Chapter Text
“… we all still miss you, you know?” Pomni said with little emotion, lying just to the side of Jax’s abstraction.
Six months had gone by since that fateful day when Jax abstracted. And within that time, an intense survivor’s guilt would occasionally swarm her.
The circus was quiet, as everyone else was already fast asleep in bed. Yet it was once again Pomni that decided to stay up a little longer and speak to Jax in the tent. Or at the very least, she loved to believe it was still Jax. She would find herself falling asleep next to the abstraction more and more, forgoing the comfort of her own bed.
Like most nights, the moment she witnessed between Jax and Ribbit played in her head on repeat.
“I told her something I regret telling her. Something… deep and personal…”
“She… laughed at me…”
Pomni’s mind simply couldn’t help but curiously theorize just what personal struggles were plaguing her friend so intensely, and how a mother could be so cruel.
While her friends and the adventures they would freely embark on helped to distract her, Pomni would still find herself in this state of intense grieving nearly every night.
“… I wish you would have just talked to me about whatever that was.” she struggled to speak out, clenching her fists. “Maybe if I had just pried a little more when you came up to me that day, instead of just letting you walk off like I didn’t even care, I… I-…!”
Despite her curiosity over Jax’s struggles, she kept what she saw in that mindscape to herself, as it was not up to her to share this information with the others.
“Caine and Kinger have tried so hard to unabstract you, but… nothing works. Just… nothing works!!”, she yelled out in immense, built up frustration.
It was then that Pomni could tell she was about to become too emotionally lost, and attempted to calm herself.
After lying next to Jax for an extra 30 minutes, the girl simply couldn’t keep her eyes open for any longer. She inhaled, then gently exhaled.
“… I’ll try to not dwell on it so hard tonight. Goodnight, Jax…”
Pomni rolled over, and latched onto Jax’s abstraction. Something she did every night she slept in the tent, giving a warm, tight embrace.
________________________________
Meanwhile, deep in the mindscape of Jax’s abstraction
“…”
“……”
“……… how long has it been by now? Months? A year? It can’t be longer than that, right…?”, Jax said, lying flat on the ground, looking at the night sky.
Jax had completely lost track of time. With no day or night cycle, the very concept of time was thrown out in favor of infinity. It seemed only space existed.
“Who would have ever guessed that abstracting meant permanent purgatory?”, Jax said before sitting up, placing her head on her knees. “… but I did it to myself. There’s no one to blame but me… And of course it took my %$!# self until I was good and abstracted to stop denying… ugh… who I am. Well, at least who I’ve always wished I could be… Maybe I was just waiting until I no longer had the option to let everyone know I’m a-… a gir-...”
Yes, in Jax’s final moments with Pomni under that dim, pink street light, she had come to terms with her true self, accepting that she was a girl. It caused her to enter a panic attack, completely transfixed. She got exactly what she wanted, and yet she was terrified, feeling regretful. Knowing it was all too late to change her mind, that it didn’t matter she finally let go of the facade. She would be leaving all of her friends behind without ever becoming a better person, nor the girl she finally stopped repressing. Within that moment of self acceptance, she truly was less than one minute old.
However, even after these six months, she still struggled with actually saying her identity aloud, even to herself. It just felt too undeserved, and clashed with her self image that she hated. She wouldn’t have realized it just yet, but the cringe it caused her to feel was entirely brought on by a feeling of dysphoria.
“… I miss everyone.”, she confessed before wiping tears away. “But I have no right to. I took every possible option to be the worst person ever, to harass and torment them. The loneliness I feel right now… I deserve it all after making everyone else feel alone… …Tch… god, how many times have I said these exact words by now? I’m repeating myself daily like an old man. Or… uhm… ugh…… UGH… w-… wom…an…”, she continued, trying to not cringe.
Just then, a single flower sprouted to the left of her.
“… oh, another change. It’s been a while since the last one.”
In the months spent alone, Jax’s mindscape would occasionally update. She never fully realized it, but every time she let go of her self hatred and accepted herself, the area around her would change. In the first instance, the street lamp glowed just a little brighter. In the next, the seemingly empty void beneath her feet became a soft, comforting grass. In another, the blackened “sky” became a starry spectacle.
One by one, with every time she opened up to herself instead of the constant resistance before abstracting, the world around her would become a little more comforting.
“Yeah, I guess I do have a lot to be grateful for. I’d probably have gone craaazy by now if I was still in an empty void.”, she said with a slight smile. “But… I just don’t deserve it. Somebody like me deserves nothing. Literally nothing, just a void to lose my mind in and-…!!”
Jax began to feel a warm, comforting and calming sensation. One she had felt almost every 24 hours.
“… yeah, I guess it is about that time. Not sure why this keeps happening, but… it is pretty nice, I gotta admit.”, she said with closed eyes and a relaxed voice.
Even in the darkest moments she would have in this mindscape, when she felt this warmth, it took away all of her mental torment without fail.
“…*sigh*”
Jax began walking over to a small pond that had formed 3 months ago. After arriving, she looked down into the water, which gave a perfect reflection of her model. After staring for a few seconds, her only reaction was disappointment. All she could see was a person who got exactly what she deserved. She sat down, head against her knees and arms around her legs.
“Do I even have the right to forgive myself? I shouldn’t be allowed to unless everyone I’ve ever hurt forgives me.”, she said, now lying on her side. “I can never try to make things right, I can never even say I’m sorry. And… I’ll never get to tell them the truth about myself, or be accepted. The truth even I barely accept.”
“…”
“…….”
“Wow, somebody’s sure changed a lot.”
“GAH!!”, Jax screamed, jumping to her feet like a startled cat.
She heard the voice of a girl echoing from all directions. For the past six months of absolute solitude, she had never heard anybody else’s voice.
“*PANT* *WHEEZE* WHO- *PANT* WHO THE %$!# IS THAT?!”, she screamed in fear and anger.
“*sigh* Can you at least calm down first? I wouldn’t want you to double abstract.”
“I-…! I don’t even recognize your voice! Did somebody new join the circus?!”
“Mmm, not quite. At least not yet.”, the voice said with a giggle. “Buuut anyways, seems like you could use some help. Guess six months wasn’t quite enough for you to stop being a total dummy.”
The voice Jax was hearing didn’t match any voice she was familiar with until now. It was lower pitched than Pomni’s, but higher pitched than Ragatha’s.
“… okay… I get it, I fell asleep after feeling that warmth and now I’m just-”
“Still not listening to anyone else’s voice but your own and pushing away any help you might receive, guess you haven’t changed that much then.”
“…”
“Your silence tells me you do want to though. And that’s what I’m here for, to help you better yourself.”
“Okay… fine… I’ll entertain the idea that this is real. I’m guessing you want to help me forgive myself? To stop beating myself up? Is that what this is about?”
“My, intuitive girl~”
“…!!”
Jax’s face turned into a heavy blush. That felt good, very good, in fact. She’d never been called that before, and it felt far more real than she ever expected it to.
“A-AHAHAHA… U-UHM, ANYWAYS, HOW DO YOU WANNA HELP ME DO THAT?”
“Hmhm”, the voice giggled. “Well. The first thing you’re gonna need to do is let go of the idea that you can’t do it yet. Forgiveness from others and forgiveness from yourself are two entirely separate journeys, neither of which hinge on one another.”
“… okay, but… it’s just so hard, you know? It’s hard to remember my mistakes and just… act like they didn’t happen.”
“Mmm, it isn’t that you would act like they didn’t happen. But rather, you eventually… stop holding on. And you love yourself in spite of the things you have done to yourself and others.”
Jax had never considered that. She was convinced forgiveness would mean she just pretended to have never made any mistakes.
“And also, nobody said forgiveness from within would come easy.”, the sassy yet kind voice continued. “It’s a process, it takes time.”
“… so… how do I start?”, Jax asked with a sincere yet sheepish tone.
“You could actually start right now. Say aloud that you forgive yourself, and truly try to make yourself believe you mean it. Getting into a good headspace is pretty important, y’know?”
Jax did not like hearing that at all.
“That… that feels like I would just be living a lie. And I’ve done that my entire life. But if you say it’ll work, then-… I’ll at least try and not push away your advice… *sigh*… I…forgive myself…”
“… really…? I don’t even think you could hear yourself there.”, the voice said teasingly. “Louder.”
“… UGH… I… forgive myself.”, Jax whispered, barely raising her voice.
“Girl, I said LOUDER.”
There it was again, that same, joyful feeling from before that filled and overwhelmed.
“I- I- I-, YOU, I, WH- STOP-”
The voice burst into laughter, Jax’s stammering and stuttering seemed very amusing. But she collected herself enough to begin giving more advice.
“Ahhh, cute. But if you really wanna stop living a lie, start with accepting the good feeling you get from hearing that.”
“…”
“Now then. Louder.”
“I… I LOVE MYSELF!!”
“…?”
“…!”
Jax, eyes wide, realized what she had just said. That was not the sentence she was told to speak out, much less scream it.
“I-… %$!#… I don’t actually mean that… right…?”, Jax said in a nervous laughter, looking down at her reflection in the pond.
The reflection that stared back was a model she never truly loved. It was bald, it was boring, and, at least in her eyes, masculine. She came into the circus against her will, being given a body that never matched the appearance she wanted, even if she didn’t entirely know what she wanted yet.
“… seems like you might be starting to.”, the voice said positively.
”…?!”
In that moment, a silhouette briefly surrounded and covered her reflection. It had no facial features aside from a smile, and the entire thing was gone in an instant. Yet it gave a feeling of happiness and longing she couldn’t begin to express.
“… I… love my-… self…?”, Jax whispered. “I… I FORGIVE MYSELF. OR AT LEAST, I WILL. EVEN IF I DON’T MEAN IT NOW, I… I WILL ONE DAY!! I LOVE THE GIRL I AM! I DO! I’LL KEEP SAYING IT UNTIL I CONVINCE MYSELF!! I’LL SAY IT EVERY DAY IF I HAVE TO!! I’LL SAY IT EVEN IF I KEEP HATING MYSELF!! I’LL SAY IT UNTIL THE %$!# COMPUTER WE’RE ALL TRAPPED IN GETS HIT WITH A SLEDGE HAMMER!! I’M BEAUTIFUL!! I’M LOVELY!! I, I-… ???”
Out of breath and in tears, Jax noticed her mindscape was once again changing. The ground beneath had begun sprouting beautiful flowers. Not just one like before, but dozens.
“Might wanna look behind you.”, the voice called out.
When Jax turned around, she noticed that the lake was filled with so many lily pads. It was a truly gorgeous thing to see.
But before Jax could comment on what she was seeing, something else occurred.
“What- wait- WHAT’S-”
In a gorgeous, blinding white light, Jax began to glow. The wind started to blow, and the pond was rippling from one side to the other. It was a breathtaking sight.
“I knew you could do it.”, the voice said softly.
“Do what?! W-What’s happening?!”
“Something that was impossible until now. Both for you, and everyone else.”
“N-NO SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH WITH THE RIDDLES, WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
“I thiiink… I would rather you see for yourself~”
“… is this the last time we’ll ever get to speak?”, Jax said disappointedly.
“… in a way, I suppose.”
A strange sense of extreme tiredness enveloped Jax, and the world around her had slowly begun to glitch and fade from her vision.
“Wait… can you at least tell me your name?”, Jax pleaded, knowing it was the last thing she would be able to say.
“Hm? … *giggle* … you tell me~”