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“Any chance you’re pregnant?” The question almost sent her tumbling headfirst back into her panic attack. The two little pink lines flashed in her mind, then the digital display reading “pregnant”, then the small blue plus sign.
“I’m not sure I feel comfortable answering that…” Samira broached slowly, trying to not let her breathing grow out of control again. She watched Joy wheel in the portable ultrasound machine into the room, in case she answered a certain way to the question lingering in the air. Robby swung his stethoscope around his neck and fixed her with a look. “No.” She lied, avoiding his eyes. She couldn’t help feeling like a admonished child.
“She was tachy but it’s resolved now.” Langdon offered, almost as if he sensed the rising tension.
“Have you eaten anything?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you been staying hydrated?” The questions shot out of his mouth quickly as if this was an interrogation, his priorly concerned tone quickly getting more sharp
“100%. I’m doing everything right. It’s everything around me that’s fucked up.” Before she could stop herself, the words just came tumbling out. While being conscious she was completely word-vomitting in front of half of the people on her shift, she couldn’t stop it. It was coming on like a freight train. “It’s just my mom moving and calling me over and over again and now I’m scrambling for a job next year.” The pregnancy’s on the tip of her tongue but she just managed to choke it back along with the bile rising in her throat. “I had it all planned out and now everything is out the window.”
Realization darkened on Robby’s face and the lines on his forehead deepened, making him looking like a cartoonish Disney villain. “Wait a minute— is this a panic attack because of your mommy issues?”
The air changed in the exam room, the weight of everyone’s gaze suddenly weighing down on her. She couldn’t bear it so she fixed her eyes on her fidgeting hands in her lap.
“What? No.” She hated how small and defensive she sounded. When she braved a look up and saw Jack slip into the exam room right behind Dana.
While he held his place between Dana and Joy, Samira could see the tightness tick in in his jaw and the way his hands twitched at his side. They had made the decision to keep their relationship private at work and they had done a good job of that, up until he got her pregnant of course. Showing up to work with a rounded belly will definitely tip some people off.
“Jesus. Do you need to go home?” The words cut through her, his tone was cruel and harsh and not one a boss should use in any professional environment. “You should go home.” Samira thought that maybe her panic attack was causing her to hallucinate because Robby had been stern with her before but this was on a whole other level.
“No, I’m fine.” She insisted, her defensiveness growing for Robby but also in an effort to assuage the protectiveness she can feel rolling off of Jack in waves.
“I don’t need the fucking liability—”
“Dr. Robby.” Jack’s voice boomed through the small room, startling everyone. Unlike Robby, Jack was perpetually calm inside the walls of PTMC. “Step outside.”
Robby’s attention turned towards his best friend and Samira felt an iota of relief by not being pinned down by his beady gaze. The two men stared at each other for a prolonged moment.
Just as Robby was about to turn back to her, his mouth open to likely continue his verbal assault, Jack cut him off. “Now.”
Everyone in the room went stock still, akin to children who parents were in a heated exchange. After a pause, Robby turned and headed out the exam room door. Jack’s eyes tracked him until he crossed the threshold and then they flickered to Samira’s for a beat.
The shame showered on her by her “mentor” weighed heavily on her shoulders. Despite their previous agreement to keep their relationship out of the workplace, she was grateful for his intervention and she told him as such with a small nod and thankful eyes.
As soon as they were out of the room, Robby leaned back against the wall of the corridor like Jack’s tense eyes pinned him there. “What’s the matter with you, talking to resident like that?” He reprimanded, crossing his bulky arms across his chest in an attempt to keep his hands to himself.
He and Robby have been friends for nearly a decade and if this conversation was happening outside the walls of the hospital, he might be a little more… hands on. A finger poked in his chest, a slap upside the head. But he wouldn’t do that here, he doesn’t let his emotions dictate the lives of the people he works with.
Robby huffed a breath, looking anywhere but Jack’s face. “She’s a liability! It’s already and insane day and the computers are down and I can’t have our residents hyperventilating because their mommies won’t stop call them.”
The distain at which he spit the word mommies out clicked something in Jacks brain. It made his head tick to the side as he let his eyes run the length of him, assessing him. “You’re textbook, Robinavich.” He said, his tone less judgmental and more observant.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Robby scoffed, clearly offended as his sharp gaze finally cut up to Jack.
“You, projecting onto Samira about anxiety attacks and mommy issues mere hours after a baby gets abandoned by her mother. You’ve barely been holding it together all morning. You forget that I know you, Robby.”
Robby looked away and rubbed the back of his neck, the way he did when his anxiety spiked. Jack knew he had hit a chord. “We’re all adults here, I can’t worry about everyone’s feelings.”
“You’re her mentor. You know how shitty those panic attacks feel. Imagine Adamson not only shaming you for one of your panic attacks but doing it in front of everybody.” At the mention of his former supervisor, Robby’s head whipped up and was met with Jack’s hard eyes. “Lay off her.”
Something clicked in Robby’s face as he recalibrated after the emotional attack, his jaw ticked. He took what he probably meant to be an intimidating step towards the shorter man, his face angled down and slightly to the side. That was one thing about Robby; he had no problem staring down someone he saw as being beneath him, especially a woman, but he cowered in the face of anyone else. But that didn’t stop him from trying.
“You should try some of that introspection and ask yourself if you would still be scolding me if this had been about some other resident. And not her.” The hair stood up on the back of Jack’s neck, a typical response to when protectiveness swells in his chest. “We all have eyes and you’re not as slick as you think. If you care about her, rein her in.”
Rage twitched in the tips of his fingers, the urge to curl into fists rushing through his veins. Rolling his thick neck with restraint, he crowded Robby until the taller man was completely backed up against the wall. “She’s not an animal, she’s a human with emotions. And if you can’t see that than your little sabbatical has come just in time.”
Taking a step back, he let his scathing eyes look him up and down before heading back into the exam room. Five pairs of eyes flew towards him, Dana and Perlah were flanking Samira’s bedside, both assessing and soothing her simultaneously, while Langdon and Joy stood to the side awkwardly.
“Okay, everyone back to work. Lets give Dr. Mohan a minute to catch her breath.” Joy and Frank did not have to be told twice, practically out of the room before he finished his sentence. While Dana gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze and Perlah offered a warm smile before making their way out.
Closing the door behind him, Jack turned off one of the two sets of fluorescent lights and pulled the curtain so she wasn’t visible through the little window. He knew she hated harsh overhead lighting, preferring a softer ambiance. The sudden dimness made Samira’s shoulders feel lighter, a calmness washing over her as she watched Jack move around the small space. He grabbed a couple of folded cloths from the cabinet and rolled the ultrasound machine closer to her.
Sitting on the edge of the gurney, he dabbed the cloths along her exposed collarbone and neck in an attempt to dry the sweat lingering there. He removed the EKG leads, careful that the adhesive doesn’t mar her smooth skin. His eyebrows were pinched with such focus, his deft hands working with practiced precision.
He almost looked like a different person within the walls of the hospital under the severe lights, his face hardened with concentration. The clinical expression a stark contrast to the warmth that he radiated at home.
Bringing his hand up, he cradling her chin in the space between his thumb and pointer finger and pressed two fingers into her pulse point. He looked down at the watch on his opposite wrist, his jaw clicking as he counted the beats of her heart. The monitor he disconnected her from could’ve told him her heart rate just fine but Jack was old school and he would never turn down the chance to feel her skin against his.
After about fifteen seconds, his eyes finally met hers and his face softened. “Eighty-eight.” He informed as his thumb passed affectionately along her jaw, he could’ve sworn he felt her pulse jump under his fingertips.
He pulled the ultrasound machine closer and she looked down at her fidgeting hands as he began pressing some buttons. “I thought you were sleeping before your shift.”
“Dana came and grabbed me when Kwon was wheeling you in.” He explained as he folded up the hem of her scrub top then carefully pulling down her pants just under her pubic bone. Grabbing the bottle of blue gel, he shook it lightly. “A little chill.” He said almost clinically, out of pure habit. She knew what to expect but that didn’t stop the small gasp when he squirted it onto her abdomen.
It warmed her heart to be on this side of his medical care. A calmness emanated from him in a way that made her feel like she was wrapped in a warm safety. She could only hope this is how he made his other patients feel. Although, she hoped that the way he held her hip with his free hand is something he reserved just for her. The lowered position her scrubs pants were in exposed the top curve of her ass and his fingers were absentmindedly pressed into the thick flesh. She had to bite back a whine when he removed his hand to start the scan.
The transponder pressed into her belly, spreading the gel as he expertly moved around her abdomen. Samira remembered when he had told her how much he loved his labor and delivery rotation. There were tears in eyes when he explained to her how it renewed his soul to witness the beginning of so much life when he was used to only seeing the end.
A deep hum thrummed in his throat as he clicked the buttons on the machine. “C’mon babygirl. Daddy just wants to take a picture of you.” He encouraged in a low voice, trying to find the best angle.
Affection swelled in her chest and for the first time all day, she felt a smile pull at the sides of her lips. “We don’t even know if they’re a girl yet.” There was a bright tilt to her voice, making her sound more like herself.
Tilting his head towards her, he looked at her playfully from under his dark brow. “The universe owes me. I think losing half a leg warrants getting a little girl who looks like her mom.”
That caused the hint of a smile to bloom into a full blown beam. Jack offered her a wink before looking back at the machine. Samira wondered if he could see the butterflies swirling in her stomach on the monitor. The urge to touch him in some capacity became overwhelming. Since his hands were occupied she reached hers out and anchored it to his thick thigh that was on the edge of the gurney.
A quick thrumming emitted from the speaker of the ultrasound machine and her heart caught in a wave of relief. “There she is”, he sighed happily, clicking some buttons to freeze the image on the screen. Their little baby, the size of a lime, in grainy black and white. “Measuring just over 11 weeks.” He stated, printing out a copy. “But we already knew that.” He smiled warmly at her as he handed over the picture.
Looking down at the glossy paper in her hands, she ran her finger gingerly along the little bean shaped outline. It was hard to believe that that little thing would become a living breathing being. The center of their universe, their favorite person in the world.
An anxiety crept along the peripheral of her subconscious. Balancing the last year of her residency with raising a newborn. Robby was already on her case, this would just be a rebrand of the “mommy issues” he thinks rules her life. But he will be right, motherhood will rule her life. She knows she will find balance and Jack will help her but the thought was more daunting than anything.
“Robby asked if I could be pregnant and I lied. Maybe if I told him, he wouldn’t have blown up at me.” She sounded liked an ashamed little kid, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact.
“You shouldn’t have to reveal a very sensitive thing about yourself, in front of several of your peers mind you, to receive compassion.” He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world, it was hard to imagine how he and Robby had been friends for so long. Jack was a walking green flag and Robby… was not.
“It’s gonna come out soon anyways.” She rationalized, watching as he grabbed the nearby cloth and wiped the gel off of her stomach.
“You don’t have to tell everyone once you’re out of your first trimester.” He offered, shifting down the makeshift bed so he could press a kiss against her tummy. “You probably have a good 6-8 weeks before you start showing.” He murmured against her stomach.
The intimate gesture caused a calm to settle over her and she buried her fingers in his hair as her head fell back against the stiff pillow. “And scrubs are pretty forgiving.” He pulled back just enough to pull her top back down. She hummed in response and when he looked up at her, she still had her head back and eyes closed. He moved towards her upper body slowly, careful so her hand would stay in his hair.
When he reached her head, he leaned over and pressed kisses along her face. “I’m glad you’re okay.” He breathed against her closed eyes, one of his hands coming up to press against her belly. “Both of you. You had me worried.”
Just as he was about to straighten, her arms came up and wrapped around his broad shoulders. He let his arms give way, knowing the feeling of his body weight was something that brought her comfort. One of his hands braced next to her side, the other brushing back her hair at the top of her head.
After a moment, he pressed a few kisses to her cheek before pulling away just enough to get a good look at her face. “You okay?”
“My brain is still going a mile a minute. Robby’s gonna freak when he finds out. He already thinks I’m too slow now. What’s he gonna do when I’m waddling around the ED?” Samira rambled, her hands gesticulating where they were at his back.
“Legally, he’s not allowed to feel any sort of way about you being pregnant. And honestly, fuck Robby.” His eyes shifted as his words settled, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Not literally though, save that for me.”
That made a little chuckle escape her, the feeling of it rumbled through where their chests were pressed together, but it wasn’t long before the far away look crept back into her big brown eyes. “What else? Tell me.” He requested softly, slipping into the chair beside the bed, leaning forward so his arms rested on the edge.
“What if I don’t get the fellowship here? Or anywhere else in this part of the state?” Anxiety crept into the corners of her voice, her eyes flicking back and forth as her mind flipped through all the worst case scenarios. “I can’t move away from you, I can’t do this on my own.”
Before she spiraled too far, he grabbed her hand away from her face and held it in his. “Hey hey hey, you will be never be on your own okay? Where ever you end up, I’ll be right there with you. Both of you.” He vowed, bringing his other hand to cover her belly.
The sincerity in his voice, and his eyes, nearly knocked the breath out of her. In a world where guys played their cards close to the vest and buried their feeling deep down, here was Jack. Showing his hand and laying it all out there, for her.
“You’d follow me?” She sniffled. Tears tickled the corners of her eyes, she would like to blame the hormones but she knew that it was all Jack. Jack with his kind eyes and his soft voice. Jack who had seen more horror in the world than any person should and still brought so much light to those around him. She knew intimately the impact a father, or lack of one, could have on a kid and she could not be more grateful that her baby would have him.
“Of course”, he laughed like it was the most ridiculous question he had ever heard. “Sweetheart, I’d follow you to Jupiter. Whatever happens, we’re in this together.”
“How do you do that?” Wonder gleaming in her big brown eyes as she pushed back the graying hair from his forehead, her fingers winding in the curls like she was testing to see if he was real.
“Do what?” He blinked slowly as if her hand twisting in his hair was lulling him asleep.
“Just believe that everything is gonna work out,” It was no secret that Jack had his share of issues when it came to mental heath. She had seen the various prescriptions bottles in his medicine cabinet and had been in his bed during a few of his awful nightmares. But when it came to certain things, notably her, there was not an ounce of anxiety, doubt in his body.
Leaning into her touch, he let his eyes drift closed as he tried to organize his thoughts into words. When her hand moved down to his cheek, he turned his head and pressed a kiss to her palm. “To say I’ve been through some rough shit is an understatement and I know there are some things that seem virtually impossible to get through. But this is not one of those things. Every outcome has an easy solution; we stick together. I will choose you every time.”
Tears were freely streaming down her cheeks by the time he was done talking. “That, Jack Abbot, is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.” She admitted through a wet laugh as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.
Standing up, he stood at close to her as the gurney would allow. He took her face between his hands and wiped away any tears that remained.
The love pouring from his soft hazel eyes was so vast she felt like she could drown in it. She hadn’t felt a love so pure since her dad passed. There were parts of her that knew some therapists would have a field day with that but she felt unconditionally safe and loved and that mattered now more than anything. “You better get used to it, sweetheart, because I’m only getting started.”