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Tsukishima Kei was crying. Tsukishima Kei was crying.
Yamaguchi froze in his tracks, his nickname for Tsukishima caught in his throat, his grip on the volleyball in his hands tightening until his knuckles turned white. He dared not to breath, to make the smallest noise or movement. It felt as if the world had come crashing down.
Yamaguchi could tell there was something bothering Tsukishima that day; the blond was quieter than usual, not even bothering to respond to any of Hinata and Kageyama’s taunts, and had barely spoken more than a word to Yamaguchi. He didn’t show up for volleyball practice which prompted Yamaguchi to go looking for him.
Tsukishima, still unaware of Yamaguchi’s presence, muffled his cries with his arm. His shoulders shook and his body trembled as he tried to make himself as small as he could on the side of the gym- a hard task to do for someone as tall and lanky as himself.
Yamaguchi’s heart had stopped beating. In all their years of friendship, Yamaguchi never saw Tsukishima cry once. Not even come close to it. So what in the hell was he supposed to do? Pretend he never saw and quietly slip away? Go up to Tsukishima and possibly be strangled by said blond for uncovering that Tsukishima did indeed have a soul?
Yamaguchi’s hands become sweaty as his anxiety skyrocketed. He didn’t have the slightest clue as of what to do- what kind of best friend was he? The volleyball dropped out of his hands with a thud.
Tsukishima’s head whipped around at the noise. His glasses askew, tears still running down his face, and the most miserable expression- Yamaguchi’s heart broke in two.
Eyes widening, Tsukishima bolted to his feet, back turned to Yamaguchi, and furiously rubbed at his eyes. Fuck, someone had seen him. He took great pride in his reputation as a heartless asshole and refused to let it become tarnished. At least it was Yamaguchi who saw me, he bitterly thought. He nearly snorted at the idea of someone such as Kageyama or Tanaka coming across him crying. The thought amused him for a second before he went back to the dilemma on hand- Yamaguchi had caught him crying. Fuck.
Yamaguchi took a step forward and closed the distance between himself and Tsukishima. “Tsukki?”
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said and hiccupped. Beginning to walk away, he was stopped when Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around his waist and knocked his head against Tsukishima’s back. “What are- “
“Please let me help you,” Yamaguchi said, cutting him off. He pressed his face into Tsukishima’s back. “I’ve…I’ve never seen you cry and I don’t ever want to see you cry again.”
For once, Tsukishima had nothing to say. He opened his mouth and closed it. Adjusting his glasses, he quietly sighed and turned around to face Yamaguchi. Rubbing his eyes, he looked down at the shorter boy. Yamaguchi clung to Tsukishima, his eyes closed, and pressed his face into Tsukishima’s chest.
“Yamaguchi, I’m fine,” Tsukishima finally managed to say.
“Liar!” Yamaguchi’s eyes snapped open and he stared intently up at Tsukishima. “You’re not fine at all.”
Tsukishima’s lip twitched down for second and he tried his best to keep himself composed. “I just want to go home.”
“Then let’s go.” Yamaguchi gathered Tsukishima’s bag, the stray volleyball, and clasped onto the sleeve of Tsukishima’s uniform. He pulled Tsukishima along with him to the club room, picked up his own belongings, before walking on the path home.
Tsukishima let Yamaguchi lead him, no protest slipping past his lips. Yamaguchi’s fingers curled tightly around Tsukishima’s sleeve.
“Why didn’t you come to practice?” Yamaguchi asked after a few minutes of walking in silence. He slowed his pace so Tsukishima was walking alongside him.
Tsukishima sighed, but didn’t reply. Yamaguchi glanced over to see the taller boy staring at his feet, lips pressed together in a thin line. Tsukishima didn’t look annoyed or irritated; Yamaguchi couldn’t even begin to describe the expression the blond had.
Yamaguchi didn’t press any further. He gently let go of Tsukishima’s sleeve and grabbed his hand instead. He led them to his house and into his room. Thankfully Yamaguchi’s parents weren’t home yet. While they were like a second set of parents to Tsukishima, he didn’t want them to see him like this.
Once they were in Yamaguchi’s room, Yamaguchi gently pushed Tsukishima to sit on his bed. He settled next to the blond and fiddled with his fingers. “Tsukki...you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but…” Yamaguchi bit his lip. At times, he wished Tsukishima would be more open with him. They were best friends after all, weren’t they?
Tsukishima pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He hummed in response and rested his chin on his knees. His eyes darted around Yamaguchi’s room to focus on anything but the boy sitting next to him. “I…don’t know,” he said slowly.
“You don’t know?” Yamaguchi’s eyebrows furrowed and he tilted his head. Tsukishima remained quiet for a moment. He pulled at the sleeves of his shirt and twisted the fabric.
“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Tsukishima explained. “I don’t know why I’ve been feeling like this and…” Tsukishima huffed and closed his eyes. Yamaguchi scooted closer and reached for Tsukishima’s hand. He knew how difficult it was for the blond to open up. For crying out loud, he barely tells Yamaguchi anything let alone anyone else.
Tsukishima let Yamaguchi take one of his hands, the smaller boy rubbing circles into his palm. “Today wasn’t a good day.”
Yamaguchi stayed quiet and let Tsukishima go at his own pace. Tsukishima opened his mouth to speak before closing it. His eyes opened and they focused on his hand in Yamaguchi’s. “I felt like I was suffocating the entire day. It was all too much for me to handle. I couldn’t focus on anything and after school…”
Yamaguchi leaned his head on Tsukishima’s shoulder. He could feel Tsukishima’s body slightly tremble. “Tsukki, it’s okay. If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay.”
Tsukishima clicked his tongue. Resting his forehead on his knees, he continued, his voice somewhat muffled. “I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t breathe. I started panicking and then crying and…” Tsukishima’s voice shook and he bit his lip.
Yamaguchi began to rub Tsukishima’s back soothingly. “I’m not a doctor or anything of the sort, but it sounds like you had a panic attack.”
“But why?” Tsukishima groaned and buried his face further into his knees. “There was no logical reason for me to panic; I was just feeling off. Nothing was actually wrong.”
“I used to have them all the time in middle school. Sometimes there was something that triggered one, other times there wasn’t.” Yamaguchi’s lips twitched down and he sighed. “How long have you been feeling like this?”
Tsukishima shrugged. “A couple weeks, maybe.”
Yamaguchi ceased rubbing Tsukishima’s back to awkwardly hug the taller boy from the side. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Tsukishima dryly laughed. “How would I? I don’t talk about my feelings, Yamaguchi. You know that. It’s weird and unnecessary.”
Yamaguchi frowned. “You're taking about them now. I wish you would more often,” he mumbled. Yamaguchi pulled away to look at Tsukishima.
"Why?"
Yamaguchi squeezed Tsukishima's shoulders. "I feel like a terrible friend when I can't get you to open up. It's what friends are for, right?"
Tsukishima raised his head a little. “It’s…difficult.” Feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes once more, he angrily wiped them away with the back of his hand. Yamaguchi reached out and tugged on Tsukishima’s sleeve, pulling the taller boy towards him until Tsukishima was in his lap. Tsukishima’s shoulders slumped as his head thumped onto Yamaguchi’s shoulder. He wished he could just melt away.
“I know, but you can’t bottle it up forever.” Yamaguchi felt out of place giving Tsukishima advice. It wasn’t something he usually did. “It’s okay to cry sometimes, too.”
Tsukishima hiccupped. “I hate crying, it’s pathetic. It’s too difficult to even bother to discuss my feelings with someone.”
“But you just did it!” Yamaguchi smiled brightly at Tsukishima. Tsukishima lifted his head and stared at Yamaguchi’s blinding smile until it disappeared. “Tsukki?”
“Now what?”
“Huh?”
“I shared my feelings, now what do I do?” Tsukishima clicked his tongue and removed his arms from his legs to push up his glasses. His eyes were still red and puffy from crying. “What do I gain from doing so?”
Yamaguchi hummed. “Don’t you feel somewhat better now that you got that off your chest?”
Tsukishima shrugged. “I guess. But..."
"Hm?" Yamaguchi prompted.
"Never mind. It doesn't matter."
“It’s probably best to tell your parents about what’s going on,” Yamaguchi added after a moment.
Snorting, Tsukishima shook his head. “That’s not happening.”
“It’s your choice. I think it’s a good idea.” Yamaguchi flopped onto his back. He knew Tsukishima had a hard time communicating with his family, but he’s aware of how much Tsukishima’s family cares for him.
Tsukishima sniffed loudly. “I don’t know.” He carefully laid next to Yamaguchi and rolled onto his side to face the brown-haired boy. “I don’t know how to tell them when I don’t understand myself.”
Yamaguchi turned to face Tsukishima. “It’s okay to not know. They’ll want to help you and will probably feel hurt if you don't tell them at some point.”
Tsukishima scooted closer to Yamaguchi and didn't verbally respond. He wrung his wrists and tugged at his shirt. Yamaguchi opened his arms slightly and nudged Tsukishima’s shin with his foot. Tsukishima slowly slotted himself between Yamaguchi’s arms, his own arms resting between them. Shoving his face into the crook of Yamaguchi’s neck, Tsukishima let out a long sigh.
Yamaguchi securely wrapped his arms around Tsukishima and rested his cheek on Tsukishima’s head. One hand gently carded through blond hair, the other rubbing Tsukishima’s back slowly. Tsukishima hummed and pressed his face further into Yamaguchi’s neck. Although it might be selfish of him, Yamaguchi wished Tsukishima would open up more like this. He liked seeing this side of Tsukishima. “Do you wanna sleepover?”
“We have school tomorrow.”
“So?” Yamaguchi grinned. “I don’t see you getting up to leave.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Yamaguchi continued running his hand through Tsukishima’s hair until the blond’s breathing grew softer, indicating he was asleep. He held the taller boy closer to him, feeling the need to protect him. Yamaguchi would always protect Tsukishima whether it be from others or from Tsukishima himself.