Chapter Text
pidgeon has created the chat: The Gays™
pidgeon has added: gaylien, actually han solo, the incredible hunk, the kink man, step on me
pidgeon: hello my fellow Homosexuals
the kink man: change my name pidge
pidgeon: no
actually han solo: yaaaaaaaas group chat!!!
step on me: i'd ask why coran isn't in on this but we all know why
pidgeon: he'd never use it??? yeah ik
step on me: i love him but he makes himself too easy to bully
gaylien: relateable
the incredible hunk: coran is so beautiful i wish he used the internet literally at all. the whole internet would benefit from his stories
actually han solo: i know!!!!!!!!!!! a beautiful man :,)
the kink man: pls lance we all know about your weird dad crush on coran
actually han solo: says u "daddy"
the kink man: Let "Daddy" Die 2kforever
gaylien: fucking honestly i'm disgusted, i'm insulted, i dedicate my life to our lord and savior jesus christ and this is the thanks i get?
pidgeon: rip vine
actually han solo: don't fucking remind me
actually han solo: vine ruined my already tiny attention span and then what????
actually han solo: they leave me?!?!?!?!?!?!?! how dare
gaylien: just like my parents
the incredible hunk: KEITH STOP MAKING THOSE JOKES PLS IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO COME OVER AND HUG U
gaylien: the sunll come out tomorrow
the incredible hunk changed gaylien's nickname to little orphan keith
little orphan keith: ok
the incredible hunk: i can't!!!! hug u rn!!!!! my car isn't here so i can't drive to u :(
little orphan keith: u know what tastes like a hug?
little orphan keith: pizza
the incredible hunk: i don't have money :((((
step on me: done <3
little orphan keith: i was kidding! ily allura ur the Best!!!!
step on me: ikr
little orphan keith: both of u check ur snapchat
the incredible hunk sent a photo
the incredible hunk: look how cute our son is!!!!
pidgeon: bb i'll adopt u
little orphan keith: daddy
actually han solo: hot
pidgeon: oh baby girl daddy'll take good care of u
the kink man: e n d t h i s
little orphan keith: lmao
pidgeon: lmao
actaully han solo: this is why they're dating
pidgeon: ps keith can i get in on that pizza
little orphan keith: my hug pizza?
pidgeon: i'm also a sad kid :,'(
little orphan keith: what's mine is urs
pidgeon: !!!!
pidgeon: omw!!!
actually han solo: room for one more??
little orphan keith: it's pineapple
actually han solo: ALLURA!!!! DONT ENABLE HIM!!!!!!
step on me: orphans stick together
little orphan keith: <3
actually han solo: IM VOMITING RN PINEAPPLE PIZgZA VIOLATES WHATEVER ORPHAN CODE U TWO HAVE OK PINEAPPLE PIZZA IS A SIN
pidgeon: pizgza
the kink man: ur a sin
little orphan keith: December 15, 2016, Takashi Shirogane was right about something
little orphan keith: a historic moment
the kink man: stfu
step on me: tbh pineapple isn't my fav
step on me: but it's The Boy's
pidgeon: ily allura
the incredible hunk: that's such a passive view on pineapple pizza usually it's to the death
step on me: i'm not gonna fight keith and pidge on their weird pizza
step on me: i'm swole but like keith is also swole and pidge probably insane
pidgeon: i am
the incredible hunk: i found the two on them in a dumpster once
the incredible hunk: they weren't even dumpster diving
the incredible hunk: they were just chilling
the incredible hunk: in the garbage
actually han solo: where they belong
the kink man: everytime pidge leaves the netflix history is all shitty cryptid documentaries
little orphan keith: they're not well produced but they're not shitty ok
pidgeon: some are surprisingly well researched
step on me: this is where the orphan alliance doesn't extend
step on me: i can't agree with all that
step on me: the dovor demon is a myth
pidgeon: HES NOT
actually han solo: so many different loch ness monsters according to yall
little orphan keith: that makes it all the more credible!!!!! if there's more then one then ud believe there's a species!!!!
actually han solo: IF THEYRE ALL IN DIFFERENT LAKES HOW ARE THEY MATING HMMMMMMM
little orphan keith: They Find A Way
pidgeon: i love the loch ness monster ok
pidgeon: she's gorgeous
actually han solo: what???????
the incredible hunk: what??????
step on me: pidge confirmed a furry
the kink man: the loch ness monster isn't hairy tho???
pidgeon: furries aren't just "furry" but fuck u
step on me: the evidence^^^
pidgeon: fucking blocked
the kink man: i need a break
actually han solo: let shiro rest
little orphan keith: literally never
the kink man: i brought u into this family and i can take u out
little orphan keith: abandoned again
the kink man: uuuuuuuuuuugh
step on me: bitch same
pidgeon: y'all have u seen russian yeti: the killer lives?
little orphan keith: were about to put it on
actually han solo: literally no one cares about that stuff but u two
the incredible hunk: sorry guys
pidgeon: well let u know if it's good
actually han solo: pls dont
pidgeon: we will
--
step on me: lance
step on me: lance
step on me: lance
actually han solo: yes princess
step on me: guess what i got
actually han solo: what
step on me: hollywood glam glow
actually han solo: FUCK ME UP WITH THAT SHIT
the incredible hunk: aren't those like forty bucks for a one time use???
step on me: SHUT UP U DONT UNDERSTAND
step on me: ONLY LANCE UNDERSTANDS
actually han solo: WAIT UNTIL I COME OVER TO PUT IT ON OK
step on me: ofc i got u one too
actually han solo: U DIDNT
step on me: i did 0:)
actually han solo: ALLUR A UR A GOD E S S
step on me: ikr
pidgeon: russian yeti is bad
actually han solo: idc
pidgeon: they're portraying him as a totally violent creature >:(
actually han solo: it's called the killer lives
pidgeon: stfu lance
step on me: a n y w a y
step on me: come over lance
actually han solo: u know i'm on the way
actually han solo: i love our sugar mama allura
step on me: u do know that implies you guys have to have sex with me for me to buy u this stuff
actually han solo: not complaining lol
the incredible hunk: lmao allura u are the pretty friend i don't think anyone would care
little orphan keith: uh
pidgeon: keith is Too Gay
little orphan keith: allura you are indeed the prettiest but uh
step on me: lmao
pidgeon: i on the other hand
step on me: am an infant and we are not even making that joke
pidgeon: ok
the kink man: ,,
step on me: ~<3
the kink man: y'all,,
the incredible hunk: oops
little orphan keith: uh oh
actually han solo: what?
little orphan keith: shiro is lowkey jealous
the kink man: im not!!!
little orphan keith: u r
little orphan keith: i have receipts
the kink man: no
little orphan keith: yes
little orphan keith: in 2009, when takashi was 17
the kink man: nO
step on me: oooo breaking out the takashi
little orphan keith: he was on a date with this girl (samantha???????? idk i was 8) he came home with a black eye because he got in his very first fist fight when this guy was a little too forward
little orphan keith: two years later he had his first Long Term GF and they broke up because he wouldn't let her do ??? something??? i was 10 i don't remember but i do remember!!!!! the very loud fight that ensued after because shiro was too "protective"
the incredible hunk: holy shit
the kink man: keith stop
the kink man: it wasn't as bad as ur spotty memory is making it sound
the kink man: i wanted to go with her on this road trip that she was going on with two other guys one of whom was into her and she took that as i wasn't letting her go
actually han solo: omg
step on me: lmao u know i'm gonna do whatever i want right
the kink man: yeah
step on me: cool
--
the kink man>step on me
the kink man: babe,,
the kink man: i'm sorry that all sounds so bad i just worry
the kink man: i'm kinda the same way with keith (in a not creepy totally brotherly/platonic way)
step on me: ik
the kink man: i was kidding when i was acting all jealous of the others
step on me: i know!! i'm not worried about it ok?? you were a teenager and i know you've grown since then because i've seen it
the kink man: i love you
step on me: i love you
step on me: wanna come over?
the kink man: hell yeah
--
The Gays™
little orphan keith: lmao shiro just fucking booked it
pidgeon: they're gonna fuck
little orphan keith: i'm vomiting
actually han solo: woot woot
actually han solo: get it
step on me: ;)
the incredible hunk: hey!!! i just got my car!!!! lance are u still at allura's i can get u
the incredible hunk: seems like she might want u gone
step on me: oh good
step on me: i was just gonna kick him out
actually han solo: r00d
step on me: [shrug emoji]
the incredible hunk: did u just type shrug emoji
step on me: :P
actually han solo: vintage
step on me: get out of my house
actually han solo: :(
actually han solo: lmao shiro got here before hunk
actually han solo: wow i've never felt more invisible
actually han solo: wow they are ready
little orphan keith: i'm gonna go drink some bleach brb
pidgeon: that's the most "15 yr old on tumblr" thing i've ever heard u say
little orphan keith: "oh baby girl daddy'll take good care of u"
pidgeon: ur grounded
little orphan keith: give me back my hug pizza
pidgeon: it's????? gone??????
little orphan keith: vomit
pidgeon: oh ok
actually han solo: omg i leave for two seconds to get in hunks car and??????
actually han solo: u two are literally so gross
actually han solo: what do u talk about when the rest of us are gone?
pidgeon: death mostly
little orphan keith: cryptids too
actually han solo: hunk refuses to text while driving but he says you guys should lighten tf up
little orphan keith: hunk loves us
actually han solo: "i do but seriously lighten up guys we love you two and it seems like you don't have much regard for your own lives sometimes" - hunk
pidgeon: um
little orphan keith: l m a o bye
pidgeon: yeah l8r
actually han solo: fuck
--
actually han solo>little orphan keith
actually han solo: hey uh
actually han solo: you guys ok?
little orphan keith: yeah we're just doing our platonic bf thing
actually han solo: oh should i leave u alone??
little orphan keith: nah pidge is on their laptop, were really just cuddling
actually han solo: okay well like
actually han solo: u know that hunk is right, right???
little orphan keith: about what
actually han solo: everyone here cares about you and wants to see you around for a long time
little orphan keith: lance pidge and i aren't in danger
actually han solo: i know
little orphan keith: oh
--
little orphan keith>pidgeon
little orphan keith sent a screenshot
pidgeon: i'm right next to u why are u texting me
little orphan keith: just read it asswipe
pidgeon: wOW THATS RLY GAY
little orphan keith: i'm not seeing things???? that's super gay right?????
pidgeon: considering for like six months the two of you couldn't be in a room together without blowing tf up
pidgeon: it's pretty gay
little orphan keith: fuck
--
pidgeon: good morning my good homos
little orphan keith: @ me next time
pidgeon: my cutest homo
little orphan keith: [the Hunk Blush™]
the incredible hunk: what????
actually han solo: i love the hunk blush!!!!!!!!!!
pidgeon: me too!!!
little orphan keith: me three
the incredible hunk: what is the hunk blush
little orphan keith: impossible to explain
pidgeon: ud only understand if u could see it too
pidgeon: but alas
pidgeon: it's ur own face
actually han solo: btw guys
actually han solo sent a picture
actually han solo: the mud mask allura gave me did some fucking magic
the incredible hunk: u look v handsome
pidgeon: wow i can stand to look at u!
little orphan keith: what was it supposed to do??? u look the same
actually han solo: i'm offended!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the incredible hunk: triggered
pidgeon: rustled his jimmies u did
actually han solo: ok i know pidge is teasing me but fuck if u think i don't look different
actually han solo: it cleaned out my pores and brightened my skin!!
actually han solo: u could see me from space
actually han solo: i should be a beauty girl
the incredible hunk: you'd probably have to be decent at makeup to make it as a beauty boy
actually han solo: mmmmmmmmmm
actually han solo: i like being au naturale
actually han solo: but those beauty boys are pretty fucking good looking
the incredible hunk: i'm sure allura would show you some stuff if u asked
actually han solo: maybe
pidgeon: lmao anyway
the kink man: guess what just happened
pidgeon: he returns from booty
the kink man: nah lol just taking a break to run to the store
actually han solo: u ran out of condoms
the kink man: ,, maybe,,,,
the kink man: but u guys gotta hear this crazy white ppl story
little orphan keith: buckle ur seat belts kids
the kink man: literally
the kink man: ok it's not even really about race but she was acting so white, u feel?
the incredible hunk: yes
the kink man: so this white lady with a "i wanna speak to the manager" haircut is in line in front of me and her son is staring at my arm, which i'm used to, u know?
the kink man: and he pretty bluntly goes "what happened to u" and i'm wearing my civvies (obvi) so the mom claps he hand over her sons mouth and goes "i'm so sorry sir i had no idea my son was so rude"
the kink man: and i'm like "it's fine it's fine happens all the time" and i turn to the boy and say i was a soldier which of course freaks both of them out cause here i am (asian) with one arm and bigass scar across my face in a t shirt and lounge pants
the kink man: not exactly how they picture "the american heros"
the kink man: so the mom is just apologizing over and over and dragging lil timmy away and he salutes at me and i just wave back cause i fucking hate that but u know all white people fucking salute
the kink man: that's it but fuck dude i hate that
the kink man: like i get it sandra you've never met a vet before even tho u have fifty "support our troops" stickers on ur trump 2016 sign which is still in ur yard
little orphan keith: sorry dude that sucks
the kink man: lol it's fine
little orphan keith: go find comfort in ur lady's arms
the kink man: hella
the kink man: muting y'all
pidgeon: white ppl be crazy
the incredible hunk: pidge when we met u thought ketchup was spicy
pidgeon: eat my whole ass hunk
the incredible hunk: nah white ass is bland
actually han solo: cuban ass on the other hand ,':)
pidgeon: is that a dreamworks face emoji
pidgeon changed actually han solo's name to dreamworks face
dreamworks face changed pidgeon' name to wonderbread
wonderbread: touché
little orphan keith: finally pidge has a nonsensical username like the rest of us
the incredible hunk: mine makes sense
dreamworks face: we'll get there dude
dreamworks face: it has to come naturally
dreamworks face: allura named herself step on me tho is that allowed
the incredible hunk: she can do what she wants
dreamworks face: tru tru
--
step on me: i'm back ;))))
step on me: i'm not reading all that lmao
step on me: what are you guys up to?
little orphan keith: studying
little orphan keith: but suddenly i'm super invested in this chat
step on me: lmao i'm so interesting
step on me: what are you studying
little orphan keith: astrophysics
step on me: boi that's ur major
little orphan keith: i don't see ur point
step on me: ok
step on me: well if u aren't studying do u wanna get froyo
the kink man: lactose free
little orphan keith: u aren't the boss of me takashi
the kink man: i think i'll find i am
step on me: yes yes babe lactose free froyo
step on me: [[[;)]]]
little orphan keith: my bike or ur car??
step on me: keith it's so fucking cold i'm not taking ur bike i'll pick u up
little orphan keith: don't disrespect her
the kink man: don't personify ur bike keith
little orphan keith: she's the only woman i'll ever love
step on me: that's kinda cute
the kink man: u aren't texting while driving are u allura??
step on me: nah i'm in the passenger
little orphan keith: coran?!
step on me: yep!!
little orphan keith: fucking yes i'm so ready
dreamworks face: i wanna see coran :(
little orphan keith: u snooze u lose
dreamworks face: eat me keith
the kink man: Do Not Fight
little orphan keith: too late i'm already at the dennys parking lot ready 2 fite lance
dreamworks face: after we fight can we get pancakes
little orphan keith: it's a date lol
little orphan keith: they're here! l8r loser
dreamworks face: :(
--
dreamworks face>incredible hunk
dreamworks face: read the chat rn
the incredible hunk: lance
dreamworks face: hunk!!!!!! he said date!!!!!!!!
the incredible hunk: yeah he did
dreamworks face: i just
dreamworks face: i want him
the incredible hunk: tell him
dreamworks face: ik ik i spam u all the time with this
dreamworks face: i just know he still thinks about before
the incredible hunk: you guys are close now
the incredible hunk: idk how he feels, only keith knows that
dreamworks face: and pidge probably
the incredible hunk: yeah and pidge probably
--
wonderbread>little orphan keith
wonderbread: a date huh
little orphan keith: FITE ME PIDGE