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Surviving as it turns out - is exhausting.
He knows he’s in bed, in a house (Hopeland, his fuzzy brain supplies helpfully) and it’s what helps him relax.
He feels like he’s being swallowed by the endless expanse of sand but it’s not violet or scary but calm and comforting.
He’s plunged into another dark depth of dreamless sleep.
The next time he wakes up he knows it’s barely dawn. He just knows it by the way the air shifts around him and by the stillness of the house meaning everyone is still asleep.
Nick cracks his eyes open just a little and it confirms what he suspected for a while - Vash is here too. He’s sleeping, in a half curled and half sitting position at his bed, his head buried in his folded arms and his glasses pushed askew on his face.
If he had more strength Wolfwood would probably scoff or reach out and pluck those silly shades from his face and put them on the bedside table.
His hands only itch weakly where they lay against the blanket.
He’s still exhausted and drained so he only manages to steal a few greedier looks at Vash, sleeping so peacefully like a child which honestly clashes horribly with the incredibly violent day they had, until his eyelids grow heavy and drop.
He doesn’t fight another bout of sleep. If anything, he welcomes it.
The last time he wakes he’s considerably more rested. He can even heave himself up into a more upright sitting position. He can feel how his body starts to mend itself with time. He probably won’t ever be as good as before but it’ll do for now. He only needs to survive till the end and then…whatever happens to him happens. He never thought he’d be able to get this far anyway.
It’s not the most graceful with the way he sits up so of course that means he accidentally nudges Spikey, jolting him awake.
Nick curses softly under his breath when Vash grunts sleepily, his brows furrowing for a moment and then his eyes crack open a fraction, the familiar blue peeking from his puffy eyelids.
Nick almost winces against the sharp pang of guilt in his chest. Of course, the idiot wouldn’t even ask for a cot to sleep on even though he went through five months of torture.
Wolfwood wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, maybe shake some sense into that stupid head of his and ask him what the hell is wrong with him.
He doesn’t do any of those things of course because he’s still exhausted and even that small movement costs him a lot of energy.
Vash hums sleepily and rubs at one eye with his fist, knocking his stupid glasses even more askew.
Nick watches as he fixes them, hides a yawn in his hands and then finally, finally looks at him.
There’s a moment when they just lock eyes and stare at each other. It’s so quiet Nick can hear both their breathing like it’s a million decibels loud.
And then Vash whole face crumples and his blue eyes filling with tears.
Nick feels his heart leap into his throat when he chokes on a sudden sob, the sound broken and pathetic.
Vash sobs again, hot tears sliding down his face and Wolfwood sighs.
“What the hell are you crying for now?”
At Nick’s words Vash cries harder and he has to shush him frantically. He doesn’t need to deal with concerned Miss Melanie and a gaggle of panicked kids because Spikey got all weepy for no reason.
“I'm just…I’m just so…so….” He interrupts himself to sniffle pathetically. He shakes his head as if he’s trying to clear his mind from anguish so he can form coherent sentences.
“I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Okay is a bit of a stretch but he is alive. For now, at least.
“Yeah.” Nick breathes. “I am.”
Vash nods but he can’t seem to stop his tears and the sobs which wrack his whole frame.
“Okay. Let's calm down.” Nick puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, trying to ground him and stop his trembling but to no avail.
Vash whimpers and aims his big, sad eyes at him and any pretense of nonchalance from him just evaporates.
“Okay, c’mere.” Nick grabs at Vash’s coat and hauls him up and onto the bed. Vash doesn’t have time to react and then yelps when Wolfwood crushes him in a bruising hug.
Vash is stiff and tense like a board for a second before he just restarts bawling.
“Okay. Alright, Okay. let it out, Needles,” he murmurs, rubbing his heaving back and really hoping no one will come in barging because they got alerted by the blond doofus having a meltdown.
But then Vash buries his face in Nick’s shoulder, wetting his shirt and Nick thinks to hell with it. Who even cares about stuff like this.
Gradually, Vash calms down to just occasional sniffles and soft, wet sighs and Wolfwood ends up holding him in his arms not even thinking about letting him go.
If anyone deserves something like this right now it’s him.
Nick feels a pressure against his shoulder when Vash rubs his forehead there. Nick almost snorts. What are you a cat or something?
“I'm so glad. I thought I lost you.”
Nick’s mouth opens in genuine surprise while his cheeks warm up. That’s…that’s a pretty huge admission. He never thought he’d hear something like this and not from Vash from all people.
Maybe, in hindsight he should have seen this one coming but he always dismissed the signs as something just typical Vash, lover and protector of humanity. It never went deeper than that for him, at least that’s what Nick always thought.
The intimacy of the moment is palatable. He buries his fingers in Vash’s red coat, clawing at the cloth as if he’s afraid Vash will pull away any second or be taken away and suddenly, he realizes he can’t have that. It’s unacceptable.
His revelation from just the day before flashes in his mind and he swallows the lump in his throat and tries not to fall apart himself as all the puzzle pieces fall into place.
“I'm too stubborn to go down without a fight,” he grumbles, trying to bring the moment back to their usual bickering and lighten the mood.
Vash laughs wetly and Nick unconsciously tightens his hold around him. That rumbling vibration feels good, he swears he feels it in his bones, and it stirs some kind of ache or longing in his core he didn’t even know was possible to feel.
“Thanks,” he admits, letting his own chin fall on Vash’s shoulder and dig in a little.
“I didn't do much.” The murmur is quiet and followed by a singular sniff.
“You protected them. That means a lot to me. So…thank you.”
The vulnerability makes him feel exposed and raw like a nerve. All his instincts scream at him to stop and pull away. To get away and recover his composure.
But he overrides him, hugs Vash even tighter like he wants them to mend together and become one being. Maybe then they could soothe each other's pain finally.
It’s a dumb wish, he knows it. All he accomplishes is probably a very uncomfortable embrace that goes on for way too long that is socially acceptable for two friends.
But screw whatever is acceptable in the first place. He almost died. Vash was tortured.
And there’s no one else here to judge, just them and the early morning of a new day. They can have it. Just once.
He doesn’t give a shit what is proper or what is not. He’s tired of keeping his distance.
Vash means something to him. He realized that not long ago. He doesn’t have words for it yet, something looming in the distance that he can’t fully grasp just yet. For now, he’s content to just have a vague sense of…attachment. Maybe.
He’d never thought he’d have to expand that small list of things…people he cares about at some point but here we are,
And Vash hasn’t been protesting the physical contact between them. In the contrary, he’s been burrowing closer and closer, making small content hums against him interspersed with little pathetic sniffles.
“You're going to get yourself dehydrated.” He rubs Vash’s back and does a tiny movement, trying to rock him back and forth but it’s hard in their position so it becomes just a small nudge.
Another few long minutes pass in which the sniffles cease and Vash ends up just breathing deeply, his cheek resting against Wolfwood’s shoulder.
It’s kind of…cute. Endearing even. He’d let him stay like this if his shoulder wasn’t getting numb.
“Spikey? Come on, are you asleep or something?” It makes sense if Vash stayed by his bed the whole night, only fell asleep recently and has been crying himself sick, worrying about him.
“Oi, Vash.” He nudges him a little. “At least get on the bed properly if you intend on slee-”
“I love you.”
He freezes mid-sentence because of that confession; almost shy or even scared, quietly murmured into his shoulder.
But the silence after that is louder than anything Wolfwood has ever heard in his life.
The moment stretches, he’s silent and frozen in one spot, still holding Vash until he suddenly jerks in his arms and pulls away as if burned.
“Oh!” He gasps, shocked at his own words, he blinks fast and fresh tears spill from his eyes and run down his face. “Oh no.”
Nick’s shock turns into brief irritation, the pang of hurt piercing him suddenly.
“What do you mean oh no?”
Vash shakes his head, trying to shift away from him and that one hurts even more.
“I…I wasn't supposed to... This wasn't…I shouldn't have said that. I’m sor-”
Wolfwood grabs his wrists when he tries to scramble away even further and halts his retreat.
“Shut up,” he snaps and pulls him back in so they’re almost nose to nose. “Don't you apologize to me over that.”
Vash’s blue and red rimmed eyes are wide like two saucers.
“Sor- I mean um,” He stops himself and then gnaws on his lip, clearly at a loss of words. He sniffs pathetically and Nick finally lessens his hold on Vash’s hands but doesn’t fully let go in case Vash tries to bolt on him suddenly.
With a sigh he lowers them onto his lap and gives them a small squeeze. Hopefully a reassuring one.
“Do you mean it?” His whole face feels warm and his ears prickle but he powers through his embarrassment.
Vash blinks slowly as if he’s trying to comprehend a foreign language.
“What you just said,” Nick clarifies, his shoulders rising to his ears. “Do you mean it?”
Now Vash looks stricken, as if Nick slapped him across the face. But instead of pulling away in hurt he frees one of his hands from Nick’s hold and reaches forward.
His hand is gentle when it settles across his warm cheek and that tender touch, his thumb rubbing back and forth across his skin, almost breaks something inside of him.
“Of course I do,” Vash admits and then he’s cupping his face in both of his hands, one cold and one warm and looking a bit too deeply into his eyes.
“I do.”
Now it’s his turn to stare with wide eyes. Vash’s expression is gentle but sad and there’s one tear running down his cheek.
Nick swallows hard and then exhales.
“Okay.” He takes Vash’s hands in his and pulls them away from his face. He looks down on them, gathering himself and then looking back at Vash, his brows furrowed in concentration.
He opens his mouth but nothing comes out and he only blushes scarlet.
Vash looks confused, his head cocked to the side.
“Why is this so hard?”
“Hm? What is?”
“Saying it back!”
Vash gasp in honest to God shock.
“Wolfwood!?” He squeaks and tries to tear his hands away from his hold.
“Shut up, why do you sound shocked?” Nick sputters and lets Vash go so he can hide his face in shame.
“B-because-!”
“Because what? Didn't think I would feel the same?”
Nick feels the pounding of his heart in his head. Of course, Vash figured it out before him. He was just thinking how he doesn’t have proper words for it and then comes in Vash and as always turns his world upside down and on its head.
He didn’t even give him the chance to figure it out. Then again Nick doesn’t know how long he has on this planet in the first place. The fact that they even have this short, quiet moment where everything is just too exposed and raw and uncomfortable is a miracle in the first place.
So as much as he’s annoyed…he’s also grateful.
Vash pauses, one blue eye peeking from behind his fingers.
“Maybe?” He amidst and drops his hands. “I don’t know.”
Nick glares at him.
Vash looks to the side, chewing on his bottom lip again.
“You don't have to,” he admits, flicking his gaze to him for a moment. “Say it back, I mean.”
Wolfwood feels a vein pop on his forehead from irritation.
“Shut up. I do.” He grabs Vash’s flesh hand again and pulls at him so Vash has no choice but to look at him and pay attention.
“And I want to. Need to,” He emphasizes while Vash just stares at him. He takes a couple of breaths, his heart is beating wildly and he can feel adrenaline in his veins as if he’s about to launch into a fight for life.
It makes him feel lightheaded but in a weird way he feels strength coming back to him bit by bit.
He opens his mouth again but to his frustration he can’t get the words out.
Damn it, why was this so hard? Why was this harder than fighting his genetically modified brother or literally trekking the desert for two years?
Why was it so easy for Vash? He just seemed to blurt it out just like that.
Was there something wrong with him or was Vash just an anomaly like this? Giving so much of himself to everyone like it meant nothing?
He looks at Vash and sighs. No that’s not fair to say it means nothing. He means it, it means something to him too.
Nick closes his eyes and exhales.
It’s just a couple of words yet the weight of them is bigger than twenty Punishers.
They come out clumsily, his voice wavers like he’s not sure he’s even allowed to say them in the first place. The burning need mixes with shame and guilt but he finally does it.
“I love…you too.”
His eyes are closed and face twisted in some sort of grimace, cheeks red and splotchy and so hot he can almost feel his skin pulse.
But the silence stretches a little too long to be normal. Vash says nothing, doesn’t even make a sound of acknowledgement and it forces him to finally look.
He's greeted by the sight of Vash's wet face. Fresh tears again rolling down his rosy cheeks, and lips stretched in one of the brightest, if wobbly smiles he’s ever seen.
“Nicholas.”
He jumps at the sound of his name spoken so suddenly and with so much fondness, affection, love his own heart squeezes almost painfully, leaving him breathless.
There’s a pleasant tingle he feels in his whole body.
Damn it, but he likes the sound of it a little too much.
“What,” he asks, voice rough and choked like he’s on the verge of tears himself.
Vash huffs an amused little chuckle and sniffs.
“Can I hug you some more?”
The request feels a little silly and Wolfwood can't help but let out a sudden laugh.
“Yeah. C’mere.” He opens his arms again and gladly welcomes Vash back in their protective circle.
Vash rubs his forehead against his shoulder and then tucks his face into his neck, burrowing as close as it’s possible for them in this position.
Nick laughs again. You really are a cat. He thinks and gives Vash a hard squeeze that makes him squeak in surprise.
This whole thing is very new to him but it…feels right.
Perfect even.
As it's supposed to.