Chapter Text
Why....why was this so difficult?! Ragatha thought with her hands gripping a bundle of red yarn hair in each, stretching them with the momentum of her frustration.
She stood in her room, looking down at her dresser that had 2 sets of earrings, one was of just 2 simple strawberries, they were more studs than earrings (believe it or not, its hard to use actual earrings when you don't have ears). And the other were more traditional ear rings that came down to 2 galloping horses mid run.
She stood, and stared. Contemplating....wondering....sweating? She more felt the sensation of sweating than she actually did. Despite Caine making them as human as he could, combining a literal plush doll with liquid was not a good combination in any fairy tale. But she did feel like she was sweating, and the red amber tone of her face in the mirror told her she was flustered.
She looked away, embarrassed that something as a choice of ear rings was something that could get under her skin. She wasn't ashamed of feeling things, she was just shy at how heavy they always felt. A smile in her direction and it would leave her in happy spirits the rest of the day, and a scowl would haunt her nightmares for nights on end. Such is the eternal double-edged sword of the people pleasing empath. Always being boosted and torn down by the ever changing emotions in people.
She shook her head, her red yarn danced across her vision before settling around her cheeks in a comforting, itchy sort of way. She was spiraling. As like her nervous nelly horses, any little complication had a fun way of descending into depths one would call ludicrous. This was nothing, it was a choice between 2 sets of ear rings. There was nothing more to it. "Why does this feel like I'm choosing the fate of my life?!" She almost yelled, before covering her mouth with her seamed gloved hands. She waited to see if any reaction from the hallway had reacted to her. After a few moments of silence, she let out a breath and stared again at the ever expanding aura that surrounded those ear rings.
After a few more minutes she threw her hands up at the ceiling and fell back onto her quilted bed in a thump of felted aggravation. Her hands fell over her face as she let out a muffled sigh, enjoying how it sounded as the air leaked out of her hands and out into the digitized world. "If I can't handle this......how can I handle what's coming...?" she asked her left hand that cupped her nose and seeing eye in almost soft aggression. She had to try something to ground her back to reality. That hole in her mind that allows her to spiral isn't at all contempt with just staring at the ceiling, it demands an offering to leave. She fed it what she normally does, memory and nostalgia. She took a deep breath, in through her nose, and out through her mouth, as she recounted the days events.
Today started no different from the others. She woke up, got dressed, and went to see all the others for breakfast. They had made it a tradition since Caine gave them all control of the circus to at least do one thing all together everyday, and if that wasn't an adventure than it was usually breakfast. The large circle of a table was at the heart of the circus, and there sat her new friends. Zooble and Gangle were officially a thing, and were never apart for more than a few seconds at most. Caine sat next to Kinger and they talked about any topics, ranging from ants, to the benefits of somehow tricking the IRL humans to install a SSD harddrive to give the circus more operating power. And then there sat Pomni, the Jester had been playing with her steak half out of hunger, half out of boredom. But when she noticed Ragatha approaching the table she visibly started to shine with joy and offered her a wide smile that wrinkled her eyes, and a cheerful wave as a side item.
Instantly Ragatha felt herself blush a hot iron red as she approached her seat by Pomni. Curse this perfect Jester and her perfect ability to make her feel perfect in every stupid perfect way. She had always felt an attraction to Pomni, but it never really manifested past that. Sure, she cared for her, maybe even would have considered it if she asked her out! But, ever since that day when Caine got deleted, ever since Pomni looked at her with those eyes of wonder, that hug that lasted a lifetime, and those hands on her shoulder as they saw what their human lives had been doing. She had been head over heels.
Everyday, she would try to steal a little smile from the Jester, or even better manage to make her laugh. Hearing that symphony of giggles made her head turn to TV static, and have her heart thump hard enough to break cement. It had become her favorite noise, one she cherished each little time it happened. As she wore that stupid grin on her face she took her seat next to Pomni and fixed her posture to be immaculate, all the while oblivious to the fact that the Jesters face was staring at her in admiration, like she just saw a tulip bloom for the first time.
As she took her seat, she began to inspect her plate: Cinnamon pancakes, with strawberries as a side in a little ramakin, her favorite. She instinctively grabbed the ramakin and set it over on Pomni's plate, she knew how much she liked them.
"A thimble of strawberries for my ever glowing sunshine!"
Ragatha turned to the Jester and saw her smiling up at her, such wonder in those deep blue and red eyes. As Pomni got snapped back onto whatever planet they were on, she shook her head, and smiled at the strawberries Ragatha had offered to her.
"You don't always have to give me your strawberries Ragatha, we can literally spawn more out of thin air!"
Pomni does so with a snap, and 2 ramakins of strawberries land beside Ragathas half eaten pancakes (she hadn't realized how hungry she was). She looked at them and then smiled at the Jester, a warm smile that isn't forced or practiced for Ragatha, but one the Jester has earned.
"Sure, but the ones you always give me taste sweeter!"
"That's corny even for you!" Pomni says with a smirk
"And yet, the blush on your face, and the smile on your lips is worth every moment" Ragatha says with a grin.
Pomni immediately freezes and pulls her hat bells down over her face to conceal what dignity she has left as she slightly squeals in either embarrassment, or joy. Ragatha could never tell, but the fun of flirting with her and her reactions makes waking up everyday no longer a chore, but a blessing. She also got a warm satisfaction knowing she was the only one that could get her to react that way.
Ragatha went back to her meal, often times when the flirting war finished, the loser would need a bit of time to recuperate. They were about a 50/50 on who would break first. Ragatha remembers the first time Pomni had called her "sweetie" at breakfast. She wasn't sure if it was on purpose, or habit, or what, but she buried herself into her own arms for over an hour, red as a fire hydrant. Pomni had been a little taken aback by how she reacted, but after a few days, their flirting war had become a daily occurrence. And today, Ragatha marveled at her victory as she ate with a smile and raised eyebrows.
As she ate and the Jester composed herself, Ragatha lowered her hand and offered it to Pomni under the table. She didn't always take it, Pomni was extremely touch adverse and Ragatha respected that always. But, she would always offer the choice to her. Ever since that day of reset (they had all come to call the day that they got control of the circus the day of reset) they had gotten close, close enough to hold hands sometimes. Close enough to flirt, close enough to talk about almost everything, but not close enough for either of them to take the leap of asking the other out.
Ragatha knew they both wanted it. She felt it in everything they did together. The way they flirted, the way they laughed, the way they stole stares from one another, she knew they wanted to be together. But, she also knew that this wasn't just her decision. That for a relationship, you had to have 2 drivers. And she always felt there was just a slight amount of hesitation from Pomni. But Ragatha knew she would ask one day, so, for now, she accepted what was and enjoyed the company she had now.
As the moment stretched a bit into the awkward zone Ragatha began to retreat her hand just slightly 'Maybe she's overstimulated today' Ragatha thought with a small hint of sadness laced into it. But before she got more than a few inches away she felt the familiar rubber glove rest its hand into her felt like one. They interlaced their fingers and Pomni traced the back of Ragatha's palm with her thumb in gentle back and forth patterns.
'This B$%/!' Ragatha thought giddily, as she went from a level 3 on the joy scale to an 8 in the span of 2 seconds. 'She let me think she was going to leave me out to dry, and then snuck up on me!' She thought through an outstretched smile as Pomni continued to ease any form of anxiety out of her through her rhythmic tracing on her hand. If she hadn't been so thrilled to feel that steady hand on her she might have even been a little angry!
They continued to eat, exchanging the color red between each smile and glance, like they were bars on a graph that kept gathering new data and couldn't quite settle. For the moment, Ragatha couldn't think of a place she would rather be, fingers laced with the person she loved, cinnamon and strawberries mixing in her mouth, and a giddy high that only could get higher.
'Wait...did i just think loved?!' Ragatha thought with her heart stopping mid beat.
Yep, that was it, her mind broke through the roof of euphoria, and she went through the stratosphere. Her mind fuzzed with the thought of love, she couldn't see straight, and concentrating on anything felt overwhelming. If she didn't frequently know what a panic attack felt like she might have mistaken this for one, but this wasn't that, it was like have your nerve endings hooked up to a battery and slowly bringing it up to power. Her fingers tickled, her jaw hurt from smiling, and she even felt a trickle of a tear begin to well in her eye.
She frantically tried to ground herself back into reality before she made a fool of herself. She knew if she looked at Pomni it might shatter any reality she had left, she needed something else. She almost considered slamming her head into the table, but knew the scene it would cause would break any connection her and Pomni were sharing. As if on cue her Sunshine gave her hand a tight little squeeze, and she was brought back to the ground. She was sure she was shaking and Pomni, probably realizing that, gave her an anchor back to the ground. That perfect little Jester.
"You ok Ragatha?" Pomni asked through a mouth of strawberries.
Ragatha didn't answer, mainly because she was afraid if she opened her mouth, every emotion she was feeling would flood out at once and Pomni would probably toss and run. Pomni was like a cat, she had a lot of love and wanted to share it, but given too much at once and she would dart. You had to tell her slowly and at her pace, but in time she would accept it all.
"You're shaking, are you having some anxiety?" Pomni was now looking at her, with that face of concern of hers, but she didn't let go of her hand. Thank Caine for that, because if she let go, she was certain she would float directly through the ceiling.
"Oh I'm more than fine my little Sunshine" Ragatha said with maybe a little too much joy behind it, as she caught a glance from Gangle across the table giving her the most :3 face she had ever seen. Ragatha gave her an eyeroll, but she didn't stop smiling.
"I was just thinking about the great day we have ahead of us" Ragatha lied sweetly.
Ragatha could tell Pomni was trying to scan her face for tells of a lie. Ragatha had, and probably always will, an issue with anxiety and Pomni was good at helping with it. Maybe because she was one of the only people she trusted to talk to. But Pomni often needed to drag out what was wrong before she could help her. Whether or not she could see the lie and decided to not pursue it, or she could see how lit up like a roman candle Ragatha was with glee and didn't want to bring her down, no one will ever know. But she seemed to take that as an acceptable answer.
They continued to munch quietly, enjoying the fingers tracing each others hands, and the company that each other provided. Then, as if the ozone itself was collapsing on top of herself, Ragatha felt the strangest feeling. She had come down from her euphoria of her hidden confession of love thanks to the anchor Pomni threw her 50 feet into the air. But this wasn't that. This was something more.....familiar? She couldn't find the word for it. She stared blankly across the table, as if caught in a trance.
She was feeling the most unusual, powerful, Deja Vu she's ever felt in her life. As if she's felt every sensation she's currently feeling one-hundred times over. It felt....unreal.
Her body must have tensed, because Pomni was squeezing her hand again, ever her anchor to reality. It helped, but this feeling didn't shake away as willfully as her love stricken head.
"Ragatha?" Pomni said with a charm that could melt Ragataha if she had been paying more than 20% attention to her.
"Yes my sunshine?" Ragatha tried to say through a smile, but just....couldn't get it through.
"You seem to be going through every emotion on the spectrum today, are you sure you're ok?"
Ragatha turned to her slowly, even with the sudden onslaught of emotions, she still felt calmer and more at peace looking at her Sunshine. Her red and blue eyes studying her face, wondering how she was, Gah! How did she end up with the perfect one for her?
"I'm not sure..." Ragatha said honestly.
"I feel like....im in an enclosed tunnel, I feel like....I've been in this position before.."
Pomni looked a bit confused, "What? Eating breakfast with your Sunshine and beating her into submission with your lovely banter" Pomni said with a tilt of her head and a flutter of her eyelashes.
That made Ragatha's heart skip about 4 beats back to back as her brain and heart had to catch up to what her ears heard. She immediately folded like a chair into herself, and iron gripped Pomni's hand from overstimulation.
"I-I-I already WON THE FLIRT WAR!" Ragatha said into the crook of her elbow. "YOU cant just fire back! That's not fair!"
If Ragatha could see it, she would see Pomni with a pointy toothed grin, but she heard her say "all is fair in love and war my Strawberry"
Ragatha looked up with a quizzical look on her face and a scrunched eyebrow to match.
"Strawberry?" Ragatha said pointedly.
Pomni flinched and looked down at her hand, immediately embarrassed by the pet name she had said.
"You know...you're like a strawberry...endlessly sweet, red carpet shine through your hair, and...." her face at this point may have been considered strawberry from the hue it was projecting.
Pomni took a quick little shudder of a breath before saying, "and it's my favorite".
Ragatha was immediately back into her elbows before she could let out the yell she had to force down for half a second. That was the cutest thing shed ever heard and it was DIRECTED at her! She never thought she would see the day that she got something so precious as a pet name with meaning. As she gave a giddy cry into her elbow, she heard Pomni giggle from her reaction, and that just made the butterflies she felt flap even harder.
As she (eventually) pulled herself together, wide eyed and bushy tailed, she had another count of strange feelings. Being called strawberry was great. Cute even! But something about it felt....heavy? Like the word itself felt like a divine prayer, something that has more weight than just the word itself. Ragatha couldn't for the love think of why though....no one had ever called her strawberry before...and she hadn't associated it with anything outside of the circus. So why did it feel almost....divine to be given this nickname?
Before she could ponder further, she felt one last squeeze of her hand as Pomni started to collect the dishes.
"Strawberry.....I like it. Thank you my sunshine" Ragatha managed to say through her elbow.
Pomni gave a slight giggle before she leaned into her hair and asked.
"Would you be ok wi....."
"Yes, I would love to go see Jax with you tonight, i think it would be very nice" Ragatha said more through intuition, rather than dissecting what Pomni was asking.
Pomni seemed slightly puzzled by this.
"Am i really that predictable?" She asked.
"Seeing as you tell him what we did everyday, I would say yes!" Ragatha chimed in, finally retreating from the cave that was her left elbow.
Pomni gave a quick smile as she started to walk away with their dirty dishes, "See you there, 8 O'clock?"
"Wouldn't miss it Sunshine!" Ragatha said with a glee she hoped wasn't too obvious.
Pomni beamed, and right before she left, she twirled around and with a curious expression on her face, "Why do you call me sunshine?"
Ragatha looked puzzled by this, "Because you're breath taking to look at?" She said with a wink, but had to be emphasized with a head nod because she only had one eye.
Pomni rolled her eyes, but the slight blush she got was enough for Ragatha to know she won that battle. Pomni did appear to ponder still though.
"Good answer, but I don't think its the whole truth....why sunshine?" Pomni paused looking down at her shoes.
Ragatha and her were intertwined in many things, but compliments were always something they struggled with. They were embarrassed by them, but man was it so nice to receive them anyways. The way she stared at her feet, with embarrassment, but a hunger to hear the compliment anyways, was one of the first things Ragatha fell in love with.
'There it is again' Ragatha thought 'love'. She had to white knuckle the table under her lap to keep herself grounded, as her sunshine was a few feet away from her, but she kept herself more or less only 15 feet off the ground this time.
Ragatha took a deep breath, and stared at her sunshine in all its glory and simply said "because you're the first thing that I wake up for, everyday"
Pomni hands immediately slacked and her jaw dropped. She almost dropped both of their plates before she felt the momentum and caught them quickly. Ragatha gave a cheerful laugh at that. And Pomni spun on her heels and jazz ran to the kitchen to wash the dishes.
Ragatha wasn't worried, she had simply scared the cat a little. She knew that she was teetering on the line with that statement, but it felt SO right to say it out loud. As she watched her sunshine practically run to the kitchen, she missed all the stares of the other circus members looking at her.
"Oh my god, would you guys just kiss already?!" Zooble said as they were standing to take their and Gangle's plates.
"Oh shut up Zooble" Ragatha tried to say with spite, but came out as a little giddy accusation, she was too high spirts to entertain this level of banter.
"I'm not saying this for MY sake" Zooble said, "this talented pile of ribbons here has so much art of you 2 together that I would hate to see it wasted" they pecked Gangle on the cheek and went to join Pomni. Ragatha glanced at Gangle who was trying (and failing) to hide her blushing face behind her sketchbook. Ragatha smiled at her and said quietly so the 2 guys couldn't hear.
"Don't worry Gangle, I think it may happen soon. I'm hopeful" she said with another attempt at a wink.
The morph of emotions Gangle went through as she heard each word was funny. She looked like a kaleidoscope trying to parse each word. But then she digested the sentence and then she gave a little chuckle and a quick little ribbon flick that they all have associated with a 'Thumbs Up'.
"I'm hopeful too! I think you 2 are adorable and plus, me and Zooble have always wanted to go on double-dates!" Gangle says with excitement.
Ragatha shot her an amused smile that read 'don't count your eggs yet' but her smile did inspire hope in the bottom of her chest. There was something in the air....like a heavy weight that told her things were going to work out.
Somehow...someway.. she knew Pomni was going to ask her out tonight.
As she breathed out one last held breath, Ragatha opened her eye as she was taken back from the past and flown into the present. Back into her room, back into her reality. She lay on her bed, that pit in her brain slowly receding as she recounted the days events, satisfied with the offering. Of course that all just happened at breakfast, but Pomni was too flustered to do anything else that day, so Ragatha hung out with Kinger and helped establish his butterfly emporium more. 'A perfect spot for a date someday' Ragatha thinks in the back of her mind as she helps build the roof of the place.
She then gets up and walks over to the earrings again. Those beautiful horses mid gallop encompass everything that she wants to be. Something free, something so un-encumbered by the world, and something so majestic that you can't ever look at it once and see it the same. The other set was just some studded strawberry earrings. Nothing special, nothing exciting, nothing memorable. But....after that breakfast....she felt a kinship to them. 'Does me being her strawberry mean I can't be my own person?' she wonders slightly, but then discards it. She doesn't care if the horses are more her, she cares that the strawberries are more Pomni. Without a second thought (more to use momentum, before her mind could catch up) she snagged the small studded strawberry earrings and threw the horse ones back into the dresser.
"I can still be me, but have her in my life" Ragatha whispers to the mirror as she puts the studs on.
It's a little difficult to get right, as she has the head shape of an old Charlie Brown comic, and no ears to help either. She finally settles with them right outside her eyes, she hopes Pomni will notice them. She then decides to put on just a tad bit of make-up. A little blush, to hopefully alleviate the already blush that is building in her. By the time she's done, it looks about the same shade as she has been all day. She laughs a little before opening her door and heading to the main circus hall, where their aquarium of sorts had the abstractions swimming in pleasant peace.
As she walks, each footstep feels a little heavier than the next. Her nerves crawl up her back, and her head begins to fuzz. She doesn't know why.....but she just KNOWS the question will be asked tonight. That's why she went through the trouble of looking just a little prettier without fully changing outfits. She wasn't sure why she wasn't giddy with excitement. She WANTS this, she knows she does, but the unknown of what comes after tonight is what terrifies her. 'what if I'm not good enough for her?' or 'What if I hurt her?' are just the surface level questions that swim in her mind. Her breath begins to pick up pace as she rounds the corner that points to the aquarium. The Hole begins to open in her mind again, and she knows she doesn't have the time to feed it this time. It starts to engulf her thoughts, spitting awful things at her like 'you won't be good enough for her' and 'who would ever put up with you let alone DATE you?!'. She tries to fight back and tell each of them she's better than this self-deprecation. But, you can't fight yourself, you'll lose every time.
She rounds one more corner as her vision starts to haze at her peripherals. A combination of nerves and the beginnings of a panic attack start to form in front of her mind. Like having something stuck in your eye, it gets hard to focus on anything but that. She rounds one last corner that takes her to the wide open observatory where she sees the abstractions, swimming and playing with one another. The panic subsides as it's replaced with wonder and awe. The steady glow of the everchanging eyes and the smooth motions of their appendages work like a weird Somatic Therapy. They look peaceful in this place. She of course would prefer them in their human forms, even Jax, but she took some respite in how peaceful they looked. With the hole slightly retreated, her vision returned, her steps stopped echoing through her ears, and she felt more than just "fuzzy" (in more ways than one). She scanned the room, and on the right sat her little Sunshine. Radiating with her smiling aura, as she had a notepad and was relaying her days events to the abstractions. Ragatha started to walk towards her, as she got closer, Pomni heard the scrapes of her feet and turned, and gave Ragatha one of those smiles that she treasures so often.
"Hey there Strawberry, glad you made it" Pomni said almost completely without breaking their gaze, but broke it at the last moment with a blush.
It was cute to see Pomni squirm a little, it was nice to know Ragatha wasn't the only one afraid in these kinds of situations.
Ragatha beamed at her with all she could muster, "Hey Sunshine, I missed you" she said with half an eyelid.
She sat by her sunshine as Pomni picked back up her notepad and continued with her story. With her hand on the bench, Pomni places one finger overlapping Ragatha's pointer. That little touch was enough to make Ragatha feel like she was soaring. She knew as Pomni continued her tale that she would eventually claim Ragatha's whole hand, but that initial touch was always such a spark that she craved. She watched the Abstractions continue to float, and wondered if they felt the tension in the room like she did being this close to sunshine.