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Evan's mind was unusually quiet as he watched the setting sun dance on the swirling smoke in the room. His best and dearest friend Connor's head rested comfortably on his leg, on the floor of his bedroom. A tightly rolled blunt between the boy's fingers. The window was open to let the smoke out, a breeze coming through to ruffle the curtains.
Evan didn't particularly like weed, he thought the smell was harsh and being near it made his throat burn. Though, watching Connor's relaxed state he couldn't help but contradict himself. Maybe the second hand smoke was catching up to him, or maybe it was the undeniable crush he had on this boy, but he couldn't help but admire him.
"You're staring," his friend's usually stern look replaced with something softer, "Do I have something on my face?"
Evan was zoned out, thinking, he had so many things he wanted to say. His fingers Absent-mindedly twirled the strands of dark hair in his lap. Connor knew his mind was always full, that's why his words never came out quite right.
"You're melting," Evan said quietly, his voice calm for once, but after realizing he'd said it out loud his face turned red and he looked panicked.
There goes the quiet, stillness of his mind.
"Oh– I don't even–" he was cut off by the sound of Connor laughing.
He often laughs at Evan’s idiocy, and his horrified look was cherry on top for Connor. He looked away again in embarrassment, and Connor couldn't help but smile.
"I'm melting?" Connor sat up, but couldn't bear to break contact so he rested his head on his shoulder.
The room felt smaller all of a sudden, Evan's eyes glued to a Radiohead poster on the wall. He picked at his arm, a habit that led to scabs. Now he'd done it, what a stupid thing to say. He had to make sure these words came out right this time.
"You know… when something melts," he took a breath, his nails digging deeper absent-mindedly.
"The shape gets distorted, and it looks fuzzier, or softer," he said, his voice wobbling, unsure, finally turning to look at Connor, "Kinda like when you relax."
He felt his stomach churn looking at him, he felt more pathetic than ever. Connor was just looking up at him from his shoulder with a sort of admiration. His normally clear eyes now blood shot around the edges. Before Evan's mind grew too dark Connor let out a short laugh.
"You think too damn much," his voice lacked the irritation Evan was used to hearing that phrase with.
Evan knew he did, and it was awfully annoying. He looked away.
"But..." Connor touched his hand, attempting to redirect Evan's skin picking, "I think it's sweet."
Evan's shoulders relaxed again, a calmer blush on his face. He hated thinking about his friend like this. Knowing it'd ruin his only real friendship made it feel even heavier, but it just felt so good.
The smoke must be getting to him. He feels hot but not in the middle of summer way. He doesn't want to ruin the moment so all he can do is stare helplessly again.
Connor took a drag, blowing the smoke away from them. He liked Evan a lot, he liked how his brain worked even if it was dysfunctional. These feelings were new to him, he didn't get them and that made him frustrated. Usually he'd try to distance himself, but Evan made that so hard. It felt good to be around him, it felt right.
He looked up from his blunt, feeling how tense the boy next to him was. He thought about the constant rush of Evan's mind, and felt helpless to him. There was nothing he could do to fix how he felt, no amount of reassurance he ever gave would be enough to fight against the doubt that clouded his mind.
Evan stared at the blunt. He wished he could smoke, finally quiet down his mind for longer, but he was a wimp and couldn't handle the smoke. He sighed trying to relieve the tension in his chest.
Connor looked at Evan, and then to the blunt between his fingers.
“I know before you said–” he was cut off by a unsure voice.
“I can't do the smoke.. It makes me gag and I don't wanna throw up,” Evan's voice was quiet and a little defeated.
Connor just felt worse the more he talked to Evan. His life kinda just sucked and there was nothing to be done, and even if his life sucked too at least he could do drugs. Evan has to suck and be sober.
“I think it would do your mind good if you thought less,” he knew how Evan felt, but he still offered the blunt.
“I seriously can't do the smoke Con,” he smiled slightly, he knew he was just trying to help.
Connor just rolled his eyes and took another drag. He looked like he was thinking for a moment.
“I could handle the initial smoke for you, but you'd have to trust me,” Connor had a sly grin which only made Evan smile again.
What a dork. It made Evan laugh.
What did Evan really have to lose, if he choked on the smoke anyway at least he’d have an excuse for his feelings. He swallowed, looking him in the eye.
“Okay… I trust you,” he watched Connor’s eyes soften.
He took a long drag from the fading blunt in his hand, and leaned closer into Evan. He connected their lips together, smoke flowing from behind his lips and down Evan’s throat.
Evan’s eyes were wide at the contact and almost flinching back, but this is something he’d been wanting for a while. He felt the smoke travel, bracing for the stinging pain in his throat and nose, but it never came. It felt nice, and it stilled the world just a bit.
When they broke contact Evan was beaming, looking at Connor who couldn’t help but laugh.
“I did it! I mean WE did it!” he laughed, “I’ve never done that before.”
“I know,” Connor looked at him, relaxed, “Wanna do it again?”
With Evan’s new found confidence to do drugs he nodded. This was a win win. He got to kiss the boy of his dreams, and shut his brain up. Connor enjoyed it just as much even if Evan couldn’t tell. The feeling of Evan’s soft lips was exactly what he’d hoped.
After a few more times, Connor knew to cut Evan off when he zoned out. He smiled much more now, he looked at peace. He felt at peace, he understood the appeal more than ever now.
“Thank you,” Evan’s voice rough from a dry throat, “For doing that for me. I’m sorry you had to kiss me to do it.”
“What are you on about. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to,” Connor laid his head back into Evan’s lap.
“Oh,” his brain felt slow but the blush creeping up his neck was an undeniable feeling, “Well, I uhm.. I liked it.”
Connor looked up at him and laughed.
“Okay?” his grin wide, “I’m glad?”
Evan laughed too, he didn’t know why. Nothing was really funny, but it just felt like he needed to. He felt warm again, probably blushing, or dying from an overdose on weed. Was that even a thing? Could someone overdose on weed? He didn’t think he’d inhaled enough for that to even be possible. If he were sober it’d be a bigger deal to him, but right now he couldn’t think long enough to worry.
“I think I’d like to do it again sometime,” he said, staring at his wall.
Connor composed himself before he smiled again, softer
“Yeah Ev. Let’s do it again sometime,” he just looked up at him.