Work Text:
Texts from Padme
PADME: and they had the GALL to hire THAT MAN for GM!!! How??? Sabe how could they do that to my poor Centaurs!?
SABE: dunno padme, seems like they thought he was a good fit for what they needed
PADME: GOOD FIT!? That man has ruined every team he’s been attached to for the last 10 years!!
SABE: I don’t know about that, I think he was actually doing pretty well for Nar Shadaa but the coaches were pretty set on not following his lead and they had the room.
Padme: ugh. I need people to hear these things. Maybe if we could get these discussions out in public, the teams would stop making such poor decisions
SABE: I don’t think this is the same as the Senate, Padme
PADME: [deleted message] too much like the senate mostly
SABE: and another hockey podcast probably won’t fix the MLSH
PADME: but it would make me feel better
SABE: okay, let’s do it
PADME: Palpatine said I should keep sports out of my public image. That I can’t be like Bail. You could make one though. I could give you my opinions!
SABE: LOL. Sure. I’ll need a cohost though.
PADME: I’m sure Bail will know someone!
***
Mission Report [ecrypted]
This is Knight Quinlan Vos reporting in.
Mission: Establish cover identities for future use as Jedi Shadow.
Mission Details as follow:
5 potential cover identities identified at this time. All in different stages of development.
Furthest along – Han Antilles. Midlevel Coruscanti native, college student in journalism. Attempting to make Han into a journalist for potential future journalistic integrity if the need to leak information is required or credentials are needed to dig into non-classified information. During development, Alderaan Senator Bail Organa reached out and indicated he had an ally who wished to begin a sports podcast (with the focus on hockey). This is the perfect reason for Han to begin his eventual career in journalism. Therefore, and as I’m sure is no surprise to my master, Han became a puck bunny with opinions on offensive lines.
I will attempt avoid being assaulted for hitting on hockey players, however I will not promise anything.
Other potential identities are as follows:
“Two on Five” Episode 1
[jaunty opening music plays]
QUINLAN: That draft!! Wow!
SABE: [laughter] Han, we need to do the intro first!
QUINLAN: oh shit, yeah! I’m Han Antilles and this is my lovely, and much more organized, partner Tsabin!
SABE: and this is “Two on Five” the newest and horniest hockey podcast on your feed, we’re here for the news, the drama, the fits, and the gossip!
QUINLAN: We’re aware that two on five isn’t something that happens in a standard game of Space Hockey, but it is where both Tsabin and I’d like to be with a hockey team. [leer]
SABE: [sigh] [laughter] you aren’t wrong. But now that the intro is done, that draft!!
QUINLAN: Not to jump right into objectifying barely legal hockey players but WOW that first and second pick! They could pick me any day!
SABE: [laughing] they were something weren’t they! Everyone knew Rozanov and Hollander would go 1 and 2 but Rozanov going first was a shock! It’s been 5 years since a player from outside the republic went first in the draft.
QUINLAN: yeah, and two visibly non-humans as one and two too! Amazing for the MLSH!
SABE: it was about time! We’re not going to be like every other hockey podcast out there right now and ask how Hollander’s “inherent Twi’lek gracefulness” or Rozanov’s “Zabrak aggressiveness” will affect their game because that’s gross and reductive.
QUINLAN: and because we’d much rather talk about how the top two draft picks turned out to be model-esque and gorgeous
SABE: [sigh] yeah, that’s are angle isn’t it [laughter] they really are gorgeous. That poor third pick, so far behind in every way.
***
[encrypted journal entry]
I swear Hunter was interested when I hit on him after the game today. Sabe looked appalled, it was hilarious, but I could feel the flattered arousal in the Force when I hit on him. He didn’t take me up on it though. Unfortunately. He feels like he needs someone.
He gave me the game winning puck though. No phone number on it, sadly. But holy shit. Touching a game winning puck from the playoffs was something else!
The hit. A smack of force that he could feel in his core. That reverberated up the stick as he flew. Crowds screaming in joy and despair and the ringing of the buzzer that blotted out any other noise. The feeling caught up as he hit the back of the net and realized WIN. WIIIIIIIN. WINWINWINWINWINWINWIN. A feeling eclipsed the very best sex.
Ecstasy of victory!!
***
Spumblr user ThinkOfTheSPeeeeees
I can’t believe I still see so much hockey bullshit on my dash!!! It’s irritating at the best of times and these are not the best of times!!!
Do you people not realize that there is a WAR happening!? People are LITERALLY DYING right now!!! My mom’s tooka breeder was attacked yesterday and you’re all arguing about which ugly sports boy is better and which team should lift a FAKE TROPHY!!! I can’t believe you.
Blocking every single person I see even mention a hockey player.
And you should all too.
Reblogged by user Shayden4CloneRites
Spumblr user ThinkOfTheSPeeeeees outs themselves as hating joy and being part of the problem.
It isn’t problematic to take comfort in something (in this case, Space Hockey) and use it to find joy in these trying times. Both the Republic and the Separatists want us to feel despair right now. They want us to spend all day worrying about if we are safe and if we are next and not wondering about the bigger picture.
Well, if I’m going to have the fortitude to go out and protest, I need to watch my hockey players sometimes and see them gazing lovingly at each other.
#Joy is Rebellion #Shayen forever #clones are people #clone rights
***
“Two on Five” Episode 68
QUINLAN: Hunter’s been doing better at home, now if he could only translate that to success on the road too
SABE: you been keeping an extra eye on him?
QUINLAN: sadly, I still only have the two. But yeah, of course. Coruscanti boy through and through here and I believe in Hunter. Even if some other podcasters [pointed tone] don’t.
SABE: you just want him to sleep with you
QUINLAN: and you wouldn’t? Especially after last night. I don’t know what he said to get Hollander riled like that but seeing them drop gloves made me go off.
SABE: It was a fun fight to watch but it’s just gross how the internet as a whole-
QUINLAN: [pointed tone again] and some other podcasters
SABE: seem to have decided that Hollander’s fight is either shocking to the core because he’s half Twi’lek and they are supposedly inherently passive or that it’s a sign of his Mandalorian heritage finally winning, like that’s a thing that can happen.
QUINLAN: and both sides consider it awful! When these same people have been yelling that he needs to dig deep into that perceived aggressive heritage and use it to fight more. He can’t win!
SABE: not with the hockey bros anyway. Not that I’m surprised.
QUINLAN: ugh, yeah. Hollander fighting hockey’s golden boy Scott Hunter was amazing for me personally
SABE: [laughter] of course it was. Sweaty men all over each other. Of course you liked it.
QUINLAN: [sigh] if only Rozanov had been there to lock horns with montrails and get Scott’s squishy human bits caught in the middle.
SABE: [appreciative hum]
***
Clone on the Alderaan Voyageurs
Ghoti posted in r/sports
Hey vode, does anyone else follow Space Hockey? Or is it just our General who is super into it?
Because we actually had service on our last posting and managed to catch the playoffs and. Vode. There is a vod on the Alderaan Voyageurs. He is definitely vod. We all agree. But we’ve looked him up and he’d have to be alpha class?
His name is Hayden Pike and he lifted the cup (that means he won).
And vode?
He has kids.
Reply by Cote
DO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO THIS. DO NOT POST OUTSIDE THIS THREAD.
If the Republic catches wind of this, our vod’s life will be ruined. As will our blasterproof argument for clone rights. (We need to win the war first but afterwards.)
Go Voyageurs!
Reply by Alpha
Been looking into this.
Definitely vod.
Found a lost.
Go Voyageurs!
Reply by Wolffe
KIDS!?
Pics pls!!!!
How did he get a double name?
Reply by Sturgeon
He got married to THIS lovely woman named Jackie Pike.
[official looking picture of a vod in hockey gear with a gorgeous blonde human woman (who on closer inspection has slitted pupils and skin that has very short, pale fur), and four small children who look like varying combinations of the two adults. It is attached to a birth announcement for the baby that the vod is holding.]
Go Voyageurs!!
8432 replies. Expand.
***
Mission Report: Han Antilles [ecrypted to high level shadows only]
I know Han Antilles reports are mostly jokes and casual updates on the temperature of the Naboo sector and whatever gossip I can glean from the players that sleep with me on the downlow, that I use to try and keep all our spirits up, but I was digging into the MLSH (Major League Space Hockey)’s finances for podcast reasons and I found a money laundering operation.
I know that isn’t normally a Jedi matter, especially now that we’re in the middle of the war (and I’d just use it to establish further credentials for Han) but it looks…odd.
Money laundering operations don’t normally fund the purchase of Sith holocrons. And some of this money is going to the Separatists. There are no Separatist planets with MLSH teams at this point.
Please advise on further action.
Vos
“Two on Five” Episode 104
QUINLAN: speaking of Bad Takes, do you want to hear some that I’ve seen regarding the war?
SABE: maybe, we are a hockey podcast and we do try to stay in our lane
QUINLAN: oh, they’re about hockey and the war. That’s what makes them so bad.
SABE: ugh. You go away for a few weeks and when you come back of course it’s with this. Fine. Tell me.
QUINLAN: like you aren’t dying to know
SABE: no comment
QUINLAN: [laugh] [gets more serious] so there are people catastrophizing about certain planets leaving the Republic. Which is valid.
SABE: there are days it feels like the Republic is falling apart. I really feel for all the clones fighting and the people having their homes destroyed.
QUINLAN: right? But that isn’t the bad take. These particular people are only upset because what if Their Team ends up leaving? Will the MLSH survive this? What happens to the players if their planet leaves? Are they open to being picked up? Will there be a Separatist League?
SABE: What?? Seriously, what the actual fuck?
QUINLAN: uh huh
SABE: there is a WAR going on and these people are only worried about their team leaving?? Not the lives and livelihoods of all the planets who are involved???
QUINLAN: yup. I did say it was a bad take.
SABE: that’s not just bad, it’s offensive.
QUINLAN: you willing to hear a take that’s so bad it’s kinda sad?
SABE: let me brace for it but I guess sure.
QUINLAN: there’s a different contingent of hockey fans who are convinced that if we just gave some of the Separatist planets, like maybe Geonosis, a hockey team that’s part of the MLSH, that they’d rejoin the Republic
SABE: [disbelieving laughter] what!? Really?
QUINLAN: yup! Hope springs eternal but I’m not sure that will actually help.
SABE: I think if Senator Organa thought that had even the smallest chance of working he’d try for it, he’s a big enough fan. But for real, that’s a wild take. [pause] I’m trying to figure out a good transition into our next segment, about pregame outfits and I just. I can’t figure one out. Those takes were so wild.
QUINLAN: Like Rozanov’s last outfit?
SABE: [laughter] yup. Just like that.
***
[LINK] Fluff Propaganda Piece About Clones & Jedi Watching Hockey
Cote posted in r/sports
Well some of us are getting the good propaganda.
LINK
[Video of many squads of vode relaxing in a tent on a planet while a torrential downpour happens just outside. A screen is rigged up on a tent wall and has a Hockey game projected on it. An attractive femme reporter is interviewing the vode as they watch the game. Kit Fisto is lounging in the middle of the vode.
“Even General Fisto doesn’t want to fight in that!” a vod says.
“It’s wet enough, but the pummelling isn’t what I’m into tonight!” Fisto says cheerfully. “Even if there were droids to fight. Which there aren’t. And if I’m not going out then my men aren’t either.”
So instead they stay inside and do things like watch the playoffs.
Apparently, only the Jedi is cheering for the Alderaan Voyageurs. The clones are cheering for the Nar Shadaa Jedi Knights.
“Gotta cheer for the Jedi right?” one vod says to the camera.
“The Voyageurs can’t win two in a row! That’d be unfair right?” another vod says, staring at the screen and tensing as Voyageur’s star center Shane Hollander scores a goal.
The video then shifts to focus on the vod that are mending things or knitting in a corner of the tent.]
Well done vode! I don’t think any of them suspect.
FUCK YEAH VOYAGEURS ARE CHAMPIONS FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW!!!!!!
“Two on Five” Episode 155
SABE: we’ve been talking around the big political news for a bit now, are we ready to address it?
QUINLAN: I could talk about Hollander’s abs as he lifted the cup for hours
SABE: we know. We did that last year when he won the cup.
QUINLAN: And we talked about Rozanov’s ass and sweaty horns the year he won. [wistful sigh] Okay, we’re ready to discuss it now. I’ve practically vibrating!
SABE: myself as well. Here we go, the big MLSH news.
QUINLAN: we’re gonna get political here
SABE: The High Chancellor, the man ostensibly defending the republic against collapse, has been using the MLSH as a money laundering scheme for years.
QUINLAN: we don’t actually know how long! But we do know that he’s been friends with the MLSH’s Commissioner since possibly before he was in office.
SABE: we also don’t know what the High Chancellor was doing with all this money or where he was getting it. Only that he has been moving large amounts of money through the MLSH for the entire time he has been High Chancellor.
QUINLAN: to be very clear, this is illegal. By Republic law, Coruscant law, and even by Naboo law if the Chancellor tried to claim he should be treated as a Naboo citizen first
SABE: which to be clear, he shouldn’t be. And it’s even against the Separatist financial agreements.
QUINLAN: the man is, hopefully, fucked
SABE: and not in the was that we hope Rozanov is fucked on a regular basis
***
[encrypted journal entry]
A room with large desk. The Commissioner of the MLSH sitting behind it. Intent focused on him. Speaking about being the Face of the Franchise, of the entire Sport, and how Important it was and how he seemed almost Too Good at it.
That Intent fracturing as another figure enters the room. Long robes in a deep red black. Ostentatious in the way Naboo fans are. The figure steps out from behind a pillar and the Commissioner’s entire focus is on him. The High Chancellor. What has he done to get to meet this man? Surely winning the Cup (even twice!) isn’t enough to meet the High Chancellor in the middle of a war?
The Chancellor leans forward, intent upon him. Eyes narrowing. He can feel it, a worming at the edges of the shields his father helped him build. They are strong. Both a natural inclination for them and the combined training of rudimentary sensitive father and Mandalorian mother. He lets nothing show. Just like during the draft.
The High Chancellor leans back and smiles slowly.
And says “;WHO’/GOikwh’rikghqnePOHgqep’igh-
The vision shattered at that but I could read Palpatine’s lips. He offered Shane Hollander an apprenticeship. And it was obviously NOT in politics. Fuck. I need to get back to Coruscant. No wonder all our missions for peace have been sabatoged.
This wasn’t the cover identity I ever expected to help stop the war but thank fuck for that meet and greet after the game on Nar Shadaa.
“Two on Five” Episode 200
SABW & QUINLAN: [unintelligible excited screaming]
SABE: DI D YOU SEE!?!!
QUINLAN: [at the same time] HE KISSED HIM!!!!
SABE: AM I HALLUCINATING!?
QUINLAN: WAR OVER, CLONE FREEDOM IN THE WORKS, AND MLSH GOLDEN BOY SCOTT HUNTER OPENLY GAY?????? I CAN DIE HAPPY
SABE: I AM GOING TO GO KISS MY GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW
Text from Hayd
HAYDEN: hey vod
SHANE: hi Hayd
SHANE: did you need something?
HAYDEN: you left your waterbottle here yesterday when you were watching the kids
HAYDEN: thanks for that
HAYDEN: and also
HAYDEN: fuck
SHANE: Hayden, what do you need?
HAYDEN: Senator Organa asked for a meeting the other day.
HAYDEN: and I went
HAYDEN: I can help out all the clones.
HAYDEN: My. Uh.
HAYDEN: Fuck I shouldn’t confirm anything in writing I guess, until I decide but.
SHANE: they’re moving forward with plans to get them free?
HAYDEN: the Senator said he wouldn’t include me if I didn’t want but I’m the linchpin of the argument.
HAYDEN: I’m their star center in this play
HAYDEN: and I said yes. But like.
HAYDEN: how do you handle it?
HAYDEN: being the face of a Cause
HAYDEN: because I’m freaking out vod
SHANE: I’m heading over
SHANE: do you need my mother’s management?
HAYDEN: thank fuck
HAYDEN: holy shit yeah that’d be amazing
“Two on Five” Episode 242
QUINLAN: I still don’t get why he did it. What’s on Naboo?
PADME: does it matter why? Can’t you just be happy for us
SABE: I thought you’d have a lot of thoughts on this, babe. You were the one who pushed me to make this podcast in the first place.
PADME: Normally I do have thoughts but right now I’m just excited such a big star is choosing Naboo!
QUINLAN: I know your government has been trying hard to be inclusive, maybe he thinks he’ll feel more at home in a place with more non-humans in the office?
PADME: huh, I hadn’t thought of that. I know our org has been trying really hard to get the Gungans involved and even brought in that Wookie goaltending coach. But Corellia had a pretty diverse team. Sure their staff was pretty baseline human, but they never shied away from hiring non-human players. Marlow’s full Kahleesh and their goalie is Togruta.
SABE: oh I just had a thought. A completely unvalidated one.
QUINLAN: OH?
SABE: what if he moved for love? There was that Drillers player who did that a couple years before the war right?
QUINLAN: of fuck yeah, I love this idea! He’s-
SABE: not in love with a Gungan. Probably. Not that there’s anything wrong with being in love with a Gungan. But not everyone likes genitalia so different from their own!
QUINLAN: [mock offended] if any player would, it would be Rozanov!
SABE: true
QUINLAN: besides, have you studied Zabrak genitalia?
PADME: can we go back to talking about free agency?
SABE: you know what kind of podcast we are.
***
[encrypted journal entry]
Well. That explains why Rozanov went to Naboo. It’s way easier to get to Alderaan from Naboo than from Corellia, hyperlanes being what they are. I was excited to get a photo op with Rozanov after the game tonight against the Voyageurs and I got way more than I bargained for when he put his arm around me for the photo.
A flash of Hollander’s face, mouth open and slack with pleasure. The feeling of skin on his own. The taste of sweat and skin in his mouth. The prickle of nerves just before a door opens and care and desire overwhelms them. The feeling of tired muscles bunching and releasing and working hard after an already grueling evening. Pure pleasure at feeling Shane satisfied. He’s so hot. And his. All his.
“Two on Five” Episode 387
QUINLAN: here’s our statement about The Video. You know the one. And if you don’t, it’s about Hollander and Rozanov. That one.
SABE: Our statement is that we aren’t making one until the players themselves make a statement.
QUINLAN: We know we speculate a lot about player sex lives and make up wild stories, but we are always clear that we have no insider knowledge and are just fantasising.
SABE: This is a serious situation.
QUINLAN: From the looks of it, they didn’t release this video voluntarily, so unless they say something, we won’t speculate.
“Two on Five” Episode 400
SABE: [victorious laughter]
BAIL: how could you??
SABE: you treated him like shit and we reap the rewards!!
BAIL: how did Naboo manage to sign both Rozanov AND Hollander??
SABE: We are an open and welcoming team and planet!
QUINLAN: with lots of space in the salary cap.
SABE: sorry, Bail. I didn’t mean to imply your planet isn’t welcoming. But your team is... [trails off dubiously]
BAIL: [grimaces] I would like to state, for the record, that I had no idea that the team and management were treating Hollander badly since he came out.
QUINLAN: I’m not surprised, you might be the Voyageur’s biggest fan but you aren’t part of the org.
BAIL: I’m still frustrated. As their biggest fan, I feel like I should have seen the mistreatment.
QUINLAN: you weren’t in the room.
SABE: And Hollander kept preforming, apparently he’d come out to his team, though not about Rozanov, and still got another Cup with them.
QUINLAN: there weren’t any outward signs.
SABE: not in his stats and not in his interviews either
QUINLAN: not if we, a notoriously player personality focused podcast didn’t notice.
BAIL: [frustrated sigh] it’s still frustrating
SABE: I’m sure many Alderaan fans feel the same.
BAIL: ugh. Don’t you start.
SABE: [grinning] start what?
***
[LINK] Article About Cut and Dried Case for Clone Rights Based on MLSH’s Hayden Pike
Fox posted in r/sports
WE WON.
LINK
[article transcript:
This is an historic day for freedom in the Republic. For anyone even remotely following the news, after the revelation that High Chancellor Palpatine was the Sith Lord in charge of the Separatist movement and his sudden execution by High General Mace Windu, the peace efforts made great progress and the war was brought to a close.
However, even after the war was officially over, not everyone was free. There were many groups still disenfranchised, but of those, the clones were one that many citizens of the Republic overlooked. Many people did not want to think of the many soldiers who died defending their lives and freedoms as people. Many citizens bought into the awful propaganda about them.
These citizens included Senators. The people in power who were responsible for deciding what to do with these people who were technically property of the government.
Some Senators (Alderaan’s Bail Organa and Naboo’s Amidala) were vocal in their fight for clone rights and had been even during the war. But these attempts were stifled at every turn.
Until one very brave individual came forward.
Hayden Pike, first line right wing for the Alderaan Voyageurs space hockey team has been employed by the Voyageurs organization since he was 20 years old (Human-Equivalent). He was granted refugee status at the age of 13 (H-E) when he was dropped on the doorstep of a local hockey legend. He has a marriage licence and is on the birth certificates of four beautiful, healthy children. And his name is on the Stanley Cup three times. He is a clone.
He took the stand in the Senate on Monday to argue that if he can be considered a full citizen of the Republic, vode (brothers) should also be considered citizens.
His examination took three days.
But the vote was successful.
The clones are free!]
“Two on Five” Episode 420
QUINLAN: can I just say, what is up with the MLSH?? Like, seriously, what the fuck?
SABE: Maybe we should’ve suspected, when Palpatine was outed as a Sith Lord. We knew he was using the MLSH as a money laundering system. But the Commissioner swore to everyone he met that he was a pawn and had been under Sith influence.
QUINLAN: that came out late in the process though, only after Palpatine was outed as a Sith.
SABE: which could’ve been because the influence didn’t lift until then
QUINLAN: but now we know it was probably because he didn’t want to out his master.
SABE: ugh. I can’t believe- no. I can believe it. Which is what makes it extra gross. I hate that it took two amazing players being outed for this all to come crashing down on top of him.
QUINLAN: glad it did though. Maybe we can start to move forward as a league now.
SABE: hopefully!
QUINLAN: and maybe even more players will sleep with me now
SABE: [laugh] maybe Naboo will finally win a Cup!