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Felix perks up at the scent emanating form a bakery nearby. Looking over, he can see the pastries in the window display from here. Knowing how much Hyunjin loves éclairs, he drags him toward the smell. This must be the best part of being in Paris. Hyunjin stumbles along behind him, not seeming to catch onto what Felix is seeing.
“Look at that!” Felix exclaims, like a child in a candy store. The window displays an array of options, including multiple different éclairs. He looks expectantly at Hyunjin, only to be met with a neutral look.
“We just ate.” Hyunjin points out with a slight grimace.
“An hour ago. And we are in Paris, with authentic Parisian pastries.” Felix points out. He’s sure the store-bought éclairs back home have nothing on these. “Besides, everyone knows there’s a separate stomach for desserts.”
“Maybe later. I’m sure we can find them elsewhere too.” Hyunjin says dismissively. He looks at the pastries like they will hurt him, and suddenly Felix has a harder time regulating his breathing, and his smile drops. Hyunjin didn’t want to eat earlier either, Felix had to coax him into ordering something for lunch.
“Yeah, sure.” Felix says flatly, all the excitement gone. He tells himself that there’s no reason to be anxious. He’s overreacting; he always does, but he watches Hyunjin a little closer after that.
They walk through the streets of Paris, taking pictures of the buildings and each other. They even have their manager take some pictures of them together, preserving the memories of this evening. And the whole time, a lump sits in the back of Felix’s throat, body pulling him away from Hyunjin, as if he’s a ticking timebomb.
Hyunjin looks fine from what Felix can tell, but he doesn’t act like it. His smiles are more preserved, the laughter more hesitant. Felix tries so hard to tell himself that it’s nothing, but then he happens to look over right when Hyunjin’s hand is at his stomach, and he can’t make himself look away.
People touch their stomachs all the time. Felix does it too. Casually resting his hand there without thinking about it. It doesn’t have to mean that Hyunjin doesn’t feel well, but it would be easier to talk himself out of it if Hyunjin hadn’t refused the éclairs. And if he didn’t have cyclic vomiting syndrome.
When was Hyunjin’s last episode? Felix can pinpoint it down to the date, making it easy to calculate that almost seven months have passed. Why on earth would Felix agree to this trip when Hyunjin is overdue to have another episode? He should know better than that. The whole group should. He’s suddenly mad at Chan for not preventing this.
Felix goes quiet after that, far too preoccupied with internalizing his anxiety to think of anything to say. It doesn’t seem like Hyunjin notices, and that is even more worrying because it means he’s distracted too. And it’s so easy to believe that he’s distracted by his stomach.
This evening started out so good. They went to an event earlier in the day, and had the whole afternoon to explore the city and enjoy being together. And somehow, Felix’s emetophobia decided that Hyunjin is sick, without Hyunjin saying a single word to imply that he doesn’t feel well. And Felix doesn’t know how to dig himself out of this pit of dread.
He should ask Hyunjin if he’s okay, but he can’t. It would be reassuring to get a harmless explanation for his silence, but the possibility that he’s right is too terrifying. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if Hyunjin confirmed that he feels bad. Felix can’t even think about it with the proper words, convinced that he’ll make it happen if he acknowledges that it’s about Hyunjin’s stomach.
Because it isn’t Hyunjin’s stomach. It can’t be. CVS episodes happen at home, in Korea. They don’t happen in Paris when the only available member is Felix. And Felix refuses to give it any more thought than that.
Dinner time comes around. It’s their manager that suggests it, probably the only one who’s hungry among them. Felix is too anxious to feel hunger, and Hyunjin is… Probably completely fine. He has to be. He always is when they travel, and Felix holds onto that like it’s a law of the universe.
The moment they sit down in the restaurant, Felix feels trapped. The overwhelming urge to escape makes him restless and tense, clenching his entire body so he won’t run out of there. Escape is always the safest option, but he doesn’t actually have reason to think that Hyunjin is sick yet. His anxiety doesn’t care about that though. His anxiety has decided already.
Felix orders something random, not sure he can eat it anyway. His chest clenches when Hyunjin orders something that’s lighter on the stomach. Could be a coincidence, but why wouldn’t he go for his favourite foreign foods while they’re here?
There are attempts at conversation while they wait for the food, but neither of them are clearheaded enough for it to feel natural. Felix keeps asking Hyunjin to repeat himself because he was focused on the way Hyunjin’s hand lies on his stomach, or how his face changes when a waft of food smell comes to the table. But there is no way Hyunjin would sit in a public restaurant if he felt sick, right?
They must look like the most awkward people when the food arrives. Felix pushes the food around his own plate while he watches Hyunjin eat, observing how big his bites are, the way he swallows, his facial expressions, his mood, and his reactions to what goes on around them. And the conclusion he draws makes it impossible to eat any of his own food.
Hyunjin takes small bites, chews it for too long, pauses before swallowing, like he has to convince himself to do it. He keeps holding the back of his hand against his lips while chewing, subtly pressing the length of a finger against his nose, as if he’s trying to shut out the smell of the place.
It feels next to impossible for Felix to stay here, but he’ll never live it down if he is recognized while storming out in a panic.
---
Hyunjin can see Felix’s anxiety like it’s a physical thing. It’s such a strange sight because Felix is normally so confident. Hyunjin knows it’s his own fault that he hasn’t hidden how he feels well enough, and he hates himself for turning Felix into this unrecognizable shadow of himself.
“Yongbok,” Hyunjin grabs his attention, meeting a pair of wide eyes. Felix looks so intense and so far away at the same time. “Are you okay?” He speaks carefully; not even sure Felix can hear him over the noise in his own head.
“Are you?” Felix asks, and Hyunjin can see him pale at his own words. Hyunjin tries not to show his guilt, knowing that Felix will interpret it as something else. Just because he knows that Felix is watching, he takes a bite of his food, chewing confidently even when it feels like wet chalk in his mouth.
“I’m so jetlagged I’m barely awake.” Hyunjin says. It isn’t untrue, but it isn’t the whole truth either. Hyunjin is weary of lying to him, understanding that a false sense of security will make Felix more paranoid next time. He really doesn’t see a way around telling Felix that he feels an episode coming on, but he should at least wait until they get back to the hotel. Felix’s reaction shouldn’t happen anywhere near other people or the cameras on their phones.
Felix looks like he wants to believe it, but he still doesn’t eat. The heavy cloud of anxiety stays over him and Hyunjin can’t tell if he feels more sick out of guilt or real nausea. He never wanted Felix to be trapped in a situation like this, where none of the other members can take care of either of them.
Felix keeps glancing at the exit, his features tightening in a way that makes him look like he’s fighting tears. With how anxious he looks, he must only hold himself together with the knowledge that they’re in public.
“Are you okay, though?” Hyunjin pries. He follows Felix’s gaze and realizes that he’s locked in on Hyunjin’s arm. Damn it, he’s not doing a good job of hiding this. He lifts his arm onto the table, reminding himself that he doesn’t feel any better when he cradles his stomach anyway.
“I don’t know,” Felix looks at his plate, pushing the food around some more. “Just anxious,” He admits. He rarely admits it, so Hyunjin wouldn’t be surprised if it’s gotten severe enough that he’s having an anxiety attack. He probably looks calm to any outsider, so good at hiding it, but Hyunjin sees the truth.
“Maybe we should just head back, get you out of this crowd.” Hyunjin suggests, as if he isn’t the one who needs to leave. Felix nods quietly, pushing away his plate. He looks at Hyunjin’s plate too, which is half empty, but it doesn’t seem to reassure him.
Hyunjin flags down a waiter, and they pay for the mostly uneaten meal. At least their manager enjoyed his food. Even if he could also tell that Hyunjin doesn’t feel well, he doesn’t have emetophobia, like Felix.
Stepping out of the building, Hyunjin is relieved to be away from the smell of food. He feels slightly better in the fresh air, and wonders if maybe he really is just jetlagged.
The walk back to the hotel is quiet. Hyunjin tries to keep some space between them, seeing how Felix tenses up every time they get a bit too close. At a loss of what to do, he texts Chan, just in case he’s awake.
Feel like an episode is coming
Yongbok is onto me
Don’t know what to tell him
He glances at Felix while typing, making sure that he doesn’t see his screen. His phone is barely back in his pocket when it vibrates with a reply. Chan really shouldn’t be awake, Korea is seven hours ahead, but Hyunjin is so relieved.
Don’t say anything until you’re certain
Reassure him that you’re fine and wait it out but warn him if it’s really an episode
Give him a chance to escape before it gets bad
Hyunjin isn’t sure if it’s the right thing to do. How is Felix supposed to believe them the next time he panics over nothing if the reassurances were a lie this time? But maybe that doesn’t matter right now. If felix is trapped here with him anyway, it might be better for him to get to relax for a while before anything happens. Hyunjin will tell him if the nausea doesn’t improve, give him plenty of time to get out before the vomiting starts.
He glances at Felix and does a double take when he sees something shiny on Felix’s face. Looking closer, he sees that the streetlights reflect off his cheek, where a tear is slowly trailing along his skin.
Bristling at the sight, Hyunjin makes his way over to him, gently wiping the tear away. Felix flinches, moving away from him. “What’s got you so anxious?” Hyunjin asks, giving Felix a chance to be the first to bring it up. Felix’s jaw clenches, eyes dropping to the ground.
“Yongbok,” Hyunjin makes him stop walking, pulling him into his chest. He feels Felix both resist the touch and melt into him at the same time. It’s clear he needs the comfort, but he’s scared of Hyunjin. “You don’t have to worry about me. I can practically hear your worries, but I’m just jetlagged. I feel fine, my stomach is fine.” It feels horrible to lie, but he can’t let Felix drown in this anxiety when it could be hours before anything happens.
“But you-” Felix’s voice breaks, his breathing strained, clearly working hard to keep it steady. Hyunjin knows he’s given him all the reasons to believe otherwise, but it wouldn’t be the first time Felix misinterprets the situation and panics over nothing.
“Lix, it’s like 4am in Korea, my body isn’t used to eating at this time. I just want to sleep.” Hyunjin says softly, almost convincing himself. Felix searches his face and Hyunjin is thankful for the warm glow of the streetlight they stand under, sure he’d look a lot worse without it.
“Okay,” Felix breathes a little deeper, his shoulders dropping. Hyunjin really hopes he isn’t lying straight to Felix’s face. Trust issues are the last thing he wants to come out of this.
“How long have you worried about this?” He asks, relieved when he feels Felix relax in his arms. Felix only shrugs, and Hyunjin can’t begin to guess when Felix first suspected. He’s so good at hiding the anxiety, keeping it to himself until it grows too big to downplay. “Please don’t worry. I would tell you if something was wrong.” Felix nods, and they keep walking.
At the hotel, Hyunjin almost asks to take the stairs, but that would be a dead giveaway. They aren’t that high up, so he steps on the elevator and clamps his jaw shut, swallowing back the nausea when it surges into his throat. It calms down as soon as the movement stops, and he can walk to their room more comfortably.
He curses their choice to share a room. It’s only natural, but this would be so much easier if they were separated for the night. Felix wouldn’t even have to know that anything happened overnight. But now he has a front row seat, and Hyunjin has to be careful not to wait too long before throwing him out of here.
Felix takes a seat on the couch, melting into the pillows and pulling out his phone. Since Hyunjin told Felix he was jetlagged and sleepy, he crawls into bed and hopes he’ll sleep this off. He knows he won’t but he’s so desperate for this not to happen.
Felix watches something on his phone, the soft audio filling the room. Hyunjin always slept better with background noise, and there was some truth to the jetlag cover. His body thinks it’s the middle of the night; it has begged for sleep for hours. So before he knows it, he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a cold sweat, wishing he never had to move again. It takes a moment to place why his body feels so wrong, but when he does, dread washes over him. There’s no doubt that it’s an episode anymore.
Nausea washes over him in strong waves. He must’ve been really tired because he usually wakes up long before he feels this sick, so uncomfortable that it wakes him. He has often wished he could sleep away the wait, just to escape the build of symptoms, but this is completely the wrong time to actually do it.
Moving feels like the worst idea, but he sits up, grabbing Felix’s attention. He needs to move to the bathroom soon, but Felix is the priority right now. He needs to move to the bathroom soon, but he needs to talk to Felix first. Felix needs to get out of here, but Hyunjin also needs help. He can’t send Felix away without telling him what is going on so he can get their manager.
“I for sure thought you were out for the night.” Felix says, looking much calmer than earlier. It breaks Hyunjin’s heart that he has to shatter the peace.
“I need you to go get manager-nim, but don’t come back here.” Hyunjin says, trying his very hardest to word himself in a way that won’t make Felix panic, no matter how impossible he knows that it is.
“Can’t I just text him to come?” Felix asks in confusion. Apparently, Hyunjin reassured him a little too well earlier, and now he’s not jumping to conclusions. There’s a swollen feeling in Hyunjin’s throat and he wonders how Felix doesn’t hear the way his stomach whines from across the room. He moves restlessly on the bed, instinctively swallowing when his stomach clenches.
Taking a slow, shallow breath, Hyunjin forces himself to speak. “You need to leave. I don’t feel well.” He doesn’t have time not to be direct. Felix’s eyes immediately fill with panic, and Hyunjin wants nothing more than to comfort him, but Felix really needs to leave, right now.
“Are you…?” Felix seems frozen in place. Hyunjin shivers, throat working to hold the flood back. He can’t get sick until Felix is gone, but he’s not moving. Taking a careful breath, he speaks on pure willpower.
“Felix, leave. No-.” The word turns into a gag and Hyunjin presses the back of his hand into his mouth. He hears the low click of Felix’s phone being unplugged from the charger as the younger finally reacts, but it’s too late.
The feeling in Hyunjin’s throat becomes unbearable, his stomach muscles all clenching at the same time, and he barely has time to at least turn away from Felix before vomiting on the bed. His stomach twists with the knowledge that Felix is witnessing this, but all he can do is try his best to hide the mess while he coughs wetly and retches again.
It’s a relief when he hears the door slam, and he stops trying to hold himself back, not that he’s been very successful. But it’s a terrible feeling to be alone. He really hopes Felix heard him when he said to get their manager; Hyunjin can’t do this on his own.
---
Felix runs down the hallway, trying to remember their manager’s room number. His heart thuds in his chest and he can hear the loud echo of this own erratic breathing. He reaches the end of the hallway without recognizing a single number and doesn’t even think about turning back before throwing open the door to the stairs.
His feet move faster than they should be able to, only one thought in his head: get out.
He clutches the phone in his hand, looking through tears as he pulls up Chan’s number, shocked that the doesn’t trip in his rush. He presses it to his ear just as he reaches the ground floor, having half the mind to exit through the back door in case someone’s waiting for him outside the main entrance.
“Felix?” Chan’s voice comes through the phone and Felix chokes on a breath, finding it no easier to breathe once he’s outside.
“Hyunjin needs help.” Felix’s voice is surprisingly steady; the gasping only comes after the words have left his mouth. It makes what he just saw real. He should’ve listened to Hyunjin the moment he told him to leave, he knew better than to let his guard down when Hyunjin so clearly didn’t feel well.
“Is he having an episode?” Chan asks, somehow understanding what Felix’s panicked call means. Felix shudders, physically shaking his head to force the image of Hyunjin on the bed out of his mind.
“H-he-” Felix stutters, choking on a breath that makes him sound like he’s dying.
“I’ll text the manager right away, what’s your room number?” Chan doesn’t even question what happened, and Felix’s legs buckle with the realization that he knew. Hyunjin knew he would have an episode, and he told Chan and they decided to keep it from him.
Felix gives him the number, and the manger’s name just in case Chan doesn’t have full control, which is stupid, but he isn’t thinking clearly. He half-runs down the street, getting as far away from the hotel as he possibly can. The image of Hyunjin on the bed replays over and over in his mind, torturing him.
“Okay, Felix, Hyunjin isn’t alone. He’ll be okay.” Chan says a moment later, “Now I need you to calm down.” Their leader’s words would normally be enough, the steadiness in his voice grounding. But this isn’t a normal situation, and Chan is on the other side of the world. He shouldn’t even be awake, and Felix is keeping him up with his stupid panic.
“Where are you?” Chan asks when Felix doesn’t respond. Felix looks around but doesn’t recognize anything. Of course he doesn’t, this isn’t home. It’s a foreign city in a foreign country, and he’ll never be able to come back here.
“Right, stupid question. Can you find somewhere quiet to sit down?” Chan continues. Felix would love somewhere quiet, where there is no risk of being spotted, but he’s in public, in Paris. He doesn’t know where that could possibly be, if it even exists. And if he finds somewhere, is it safe? How is he supposed to avoid going down the wrong street when he doesn’t know the city? It’s safer to stay with the crowd.
There’s a sigh on the other side of the phone, and Felix’s chest squeezes, the breath stuttering in his throat. Hot tears run down his cheeks, and he pulls the hood lower around his face, thanking whichever designer decided to make it so big.
“You need to get off the street, Lix.” Chan decides. Felix feels invisible but he knows that protecting his image must be the highest priority. His breathing speeds up, imagining what will meet him back at the hotel, and suddenly he can’t stay upright anymore, leaning against the nearest wall and curling in on himself.
“I can’t go back- You can’t make me- Please-” Felix gasps for breath, trembling so hard that he loses his balance, wincing when his tailbone makes contact with the pavement. Desperate not to be spotted, he curls in on himself, making sure that he’s completely hidden by the hood.
“No, no, no,” Chan is quick to say, “I’ll get you a different hotel, okay? Somewhere far away from Hyunjin. You don’t have to go back until he’s fine, or at all, if you can’t.”
How fucked up is it that Chan knows exactly what he’s thinking? That he can’t even be with his boyfriend when he needs Felix the most. Because somewhere along the way, Felix decided that – the thing Hyunjin is doing, that he can’t even name – is the most dangerous thing in the world, and he’d rather die than experience it, even second-hand. It’s not normal, it’s not healthy. Something is so incredibly wrong with him.
“I’ll book you a room at a different hotel. I’ll even check the map to make sure it’s far away. Promise me you’ll go there?” Chan says. Felix nods but makes no move to get up. It’s still a hotel room, and bad things happen in hotel rooms.
“Felix, promise me?” Chan repeats. Felix takes a shaky breath, more tears falling when he closes his eyes. He knows he can’t stay here. If someone hasn’t recognized him already, they will soon.
“Yes,” Felix says, pushing himself off the ground. He keeps his head down, pulls the hood down low, and moves. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he is still too close to Hyunjin. His breath stutters every time he remembers the scene on the bed, and his chest aches, throat burning.
Chan is quiet for a long time; the only sound is the clicking of a keyboard as if he’s on his laptop. Felix tries to pull himself together, to at least not look like he’s crumbling in case there are pictures taken. But there is no fighting the panic. If the hood wasn’t blocking his vision, he’d probably be met with strange looks. There’s no way anyone walks past him without hearing his laboured breathing or feeling his terror.
“You can go to the hotel right away, okay, Lix? It’s ready for you. I’ll send you the details.” Chan says after a while. Felix knows that he won’t, but he thanks Chan anyway. His phone buzzes and he pulls it away from his ear to see a message from Chan.
“Promise, Lix?” Chan repeats. Felix takes a deep breath, doing his best to calm down for just a moment, just enough to be convincing. He can’t allow Chan to worry about him.
“Promise.” Felix says, steadying his voice, as if having an escape helps him feel better. But it’s not an escape because all hotels look the same and it’ll be too hard not to think about what happened if he goes there.
Chan reluctantly lets him go, but Felix doesn’t check the message when they hang up. He opens it so it’ll say ‘read’ but immediately locks his phone and slips it into his pocket.
It’s only when Chan receives the receipt for the hotel room days later that he realizes Felix didn’t check into the room until early morning.
-
Hyunjin wakes up in the middle of the day, sore and exhausted from the night. He reaches for his phone, relieved when he sees a message from Chan with the name of a hotel and a room number, letting him know where Felix is.
Today was supposed to be a free day to explore the city, so Hyunjin takes his time getting out of bed and cleaning off the previous night. He doesn’t want to bring Felix back here, even if the bedding is clean and the episode is over. It must’ve been a traumatizing sight, and Hyunjin feels so guilty for putting him through that.
He leaves the hotel with the manager, who now knows Hyunjin better than he should, but somehow, Hyunjin doesn’t mind. It would’ve been so much worse to be alone, he just feels bad that the manager had to do that. It’s not as if cleaning up vomit is in the job description.
Something that is in the job description is getting familiar with the places they go, so he has no issues taking Hyunjin back to the bakery from the previous day. The pastries Felix pointed out smell much better today, accompanied with the pang of hunger rather than nausea.
It feels awkward to be recognized when his throat is still raw from vomiting, but he does his best to act normal, not particularly interested in revealing the truth. He picks out a few pastries and heads for Felix’s hotel, following the manager who seems to have no issues finding his way through the city.
The manager finally leaves his side when they reach Felix’s room. Hyunjin knocks gently, hoping Felix is already awake. He can’t imagine what kind of night Felix had, but he hopes he went straight here and calmed down.
The door opens a moment later, revealing an exhausted Felix who is still wearing the same clothes as last night. Of course he is, Hyunjin tells himself, his stuff isn’t here. Felix’s eyes widen when he sees Hyunjin, taking a quick step back.
“I’ve been okay for eight hours.” Hyunjin says and sees Felix’s eyes soften. He steps back, allowing Hyunjin to come inside. He looks so small, Hyunjin just wants to wrap him in a hug, but he doesn’t want to set Felix off again, so he leaves it up to him. “I brought éclairs.” Hyunjin holds up the paper box, and sees Felix relax further.
“You’re really okay?” Felix asks quietly. He looks so exhausted, Hyunjin wonders if he slept at all. He’ll have to ask Chan what happened, but it can wait. Hyunjin knows he can’t just say he’s fine, he already did that last night. He has to prove to Felix why he’s fine.
“It stopped by four, and it never continues this long after. I feel completely fine, even hungry.” Hyunjin explains, sure that his eyes give away how much he wants to dig into the éclairs. Felix nods, tension seeping out of him on the next breath.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Hyunjin adds. They move over to the bed, leaving an uncharacteristic amount of space between them. Felix only looks at the box when Hyunjin digs into the pastry, moaning at how good it tastes, appearing uninterested in getting one for himself.
“You’re the one going through it.” Felix says, as if he isn’t allowed to have a reaction.
“You go through it too.” Hyunjin says. His emetophobia is nothing new to them, and Felix is always nervous for a while after an episode, weary of Hyunjin. It’s just a lot easier to handle when they can lean on the other members.
“It’s not your fault.” Felix says, meeting Hyunjin’s eyes for the first time. His eyes are bloodshot and swollen, and Hyunjin works very hard not to blame himself. He shouldn’t have listened to Chan, but to be fair, he doesn’t know if a different reaction would’ve been any better. “What éclairs did you get?” Felix peers into the box, and Hyunjin smiles.
“Chocolate,” He says, taking another bite and dramatically expressing how good it is. Felix laughs and grabs one too. With that, Hyunjin knows that they’ll be okay.