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Nausea is nothing new to Hyunjin. It used to be common enough that he didn’t bat an eye, pushing through it because he had to keep living. Luckily, medications brought his episodes down from monthly, to a couple times a year, and it’s been that way since he was fifteen. And because he’s not nauseous as often anymore, and he’s done this for so many years, it’s easier to recognize when an episode is coming on.
It starts with a couple of days of loss of appetite. He isn’t able to eat as much as normal and doesn’t feel hungry at mealtime. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but he lets Chan know anyway, so they can all be prepared if it develops into more. Luckily, they have some time off, and don’t have to figure out how to handle work when it happens.
Hyunjin is more concerned for Felix than himself. The first time Felix witnessed an episode, he had the worst panic attack any of them have ever witnessed. He couldn’t calm down until he was far away from the building and had been reassured over and over that Hyunjin wasn’t contagious.
Hyunjin didn’t know it at the time, as he was chained to the toilet. But he heard about it later and finally understood why the person he needed the most wasn’t there to help him through it. It turns out it’s not great to have cyclic vomiting syndrome when your boyfriend is emetophobic.
When Hyunjin feels it coming on this time, everyone knows what they need to do. It’s a lot easier to keep Felix away with the new dorm arrangements, but it’s not so easy to keep him oblivious. He’s pretty sure the whole group is on stand-by, ready to step in.
Seeing as how Hyunjin hasn’t felt any nausea yet, he doesn’t hesitate to eat the lunch Felix prepares. He can never know when the episode will start, and he can’t starve for days in anticipation. Besides, having something to throw up is always the better option.
“This is delicious.” Hyunjin says, although it tastes like way too much. He’d prefer something bland, although anything would turn into disgusting sludge in his mouth. It’s important that he keeps up appearances though, so he chews and swallows, and smiles when Felix looks at him.
“Really? I’m glad.” Felix says shyly, looking down. It’s cute how he still doesn’t know how to take a compliment from Hyunjin. Any of the others could say the same thing, and Felix would be just fine. But the moment Hyunjin speaks, his ears turn red and he forgets that ‘thanks’ is an option.
Hyunjin only manages half his food before it feels like he’ll gag around the next bite, so he quickly sweeps his bowl to the sink, throwing out the rest before Felix can see how little he ate. He imagines how the meal will taste coming back up and has to swallow thickly. That’s when he decides it’s time to call in reinforcements.
The nausea starts subtly, mild enough that he can ignore it while sitting on the couch with Felix, giving appropriate responses to the TikToks he shows him. All the while, waiting for Jisung to enact their plan. Twelve minutes pass from Hyunjin’s ‘it’s time’ message, until a text ticks in on Felix’s phone. Felix mindlessly swipes it away and continues watching videos.
“Wait, was that Hanie?” Hyunjin asks, not very subtly, but plenty desperate. Felix swipes down to open his notification centre, seeing the text inviting him over to watch a movie.
“But I’m having fun with you.” Felix says, and nausea tightens in Hyunjin’s stomach. He doesn’t let it show on his face, an expert at hiding it at this point. According to his mom, he was four when he had his first episode, so this is nothing new to him.
“But haven’t you been meaning to watch that movie with Hanie?” Hyunjin encourages. Knowing that an episode was coming meant they could set this up over days. Jisung first mentioned the movie a couple of days ago and has waited for Hyunjin’s signal to make it happen.
Felix looks hesitant, sinking a little deeper into the couch. His phone screen goes dark, and when Felix presses the home button, an ugly picture of Hyunjin appears. A joking selfie he took when he stole Felix’s phone, probably years ago, judging by the hair colour. He wonders how Felix dug it back up.
“I’m always hogging you, the others should get some alone time with you too.” Hyunjin says. He doesn’t want to be deceitful, but he can still see the pure panic on Felix’s face from that time they were alone when Hyunjin’s attack hit. They were in Paris, and no one else was around, so Hyunjin had to tell him to get one of the managers to their room before Felix could escape the situation. Apparently, he wandered around the city all night, trying not to be seen in the state he was in.
It was after that incident that Felix sought treatment for his emetophobia, but it’s still better for him not to know.
“Okay, fine, but I will be back.” Felix says, as if it’s a threat. Hyunjin smiles softly, ignoring the first cramp tightening in his stomach and drags Felix to the door in what he hopes is a playful way.
When Felix has left, Hyunjin goes back to the couch, curling up with a pillow hugged to his chest, pressing his face into the soft fabric. It would be preferable to cuddle with Felix, but neither of them would be able to relax. With Felix distracted and oblivious, Hyunjin can give in to the sickness.
“You good?” Changbin asks, sitting in the armchair. Hyunjin doesn’t lift his head or open his eyes, enjoying the darkness the pillow brings.
“Nauseous.” Hyunjin says. No more explanation is needed. It’s routine by now, every member knows what this means and how to be there for him. So Changbin sits in silence, lending his quiet comfort. Hyunjin hates being alone when he feels so fragile.
The waiting is the worst part. It would be much better if it came on as quickly as it used to, and it could just be over with. But with medications come a longer prodrome phase, where it builds and builds and all he can do is try to make himself comfortable.
His phone vibrates on the table, and he grabs it, smiling at Felix’s name. It’s another TikTok, and Hyunjin opens it without question. It’s funny, but he doesn’t have it in himself to laugh. Tightening his stomach muscles feels like the last thing he should be doing. Opening the comments, he screenshots a couple funny ones and sends them back to Felix.
They keep texting for a while, mindless things Hyunjin doesn’t have to think about. Clearly, Jisung is killing time, not starting the movie yet, and Felix is entertaining himself with TikTok, as always.
Hyunjin realizes how fidgety he’s gotten when he can’t lie down anymore. It feels like gravity works against him, like there will be nothing keeping his stomach in place if he stays horizontal. So he pushes himself up, leaning against the back of the couch instead. Wiping sweat off his top lip, he catches Changbin’s worried glance, and mutters something about being fine for now.
Talking to Felix is a good distraction, making the time pass a little faster. At some point, Chan arrives. He brings Hyunjin a glass of cold water, but Hyunjin only takes a sip before grimacing and handing it back.
“That bad?” Chan asks gently. He presses his hand into Hyunjin’s forehead, purely out of habit. There is no fever to be found, he doesn’t have a virus.
“Do you think it’ll just happen if I chug the whole thing?” Hyunjin asks, looking at the water. The waiting makes him tense, which does nothing for the ache setting up camp behind his eyes.
“I don’t think that’s the best option.” Chan says. Hyunjin still reaches for the glass and is disappointed when Chan pulls it away. His stomach rumbles loudly, making Chan grimace but nod like he made the right decision.
The dizziness sets in a few minutes later, only getting worse when he closes his eyes. His stomach flips when the room tilts, and he swallows it back stubbornly. As much as he wants the wait to be over, he isn’t ready for what will happen.
It feels like there’s something lodged in Hyunjin’s throat the next time he texts Felix, and he repeatedly swallows to try to clear it, knowing it’s futile. He rocks slightly in place, feeling like the thing in his throat grows every time he’s still. He shivers, and drags a hand over his forehead to wipe away the accumulating sweat.
“Are you ready to move?” Changbin asks when Hyunjin’s breathing goes shallow. He can’t fill his lungs without feeling like more than air will come back out. Hyunjin leans his head back, rubbing a hand over his lower stomach when another cramp hits.
“Don’t rush me.” Hyunjin bites back, but it comes out more like a breathless whisper. The thing in his throat gets harder to swallow around, and he can hear his stomach gurgling, Felix’s cooking threatening to come back up.
“I don’t really feel like cleaning your vomit off the furniture again.” Changbin says, and Hyunjin can’t argue with that. As much as he’d like to glare and stay where he is, he doesn’t have a great track record with knowing when to get off his ass. The nausea is so intense already, and it turns very bad very quickly.
Reluctantly getting off the couch, Hyunjin is thankful for Chan’s support walking to the bathroom. His balance feels off, mostly because the floor is moving, and his stomach follows the movements.
Hyunjin belches quietly, pressing the back of his hand against his lips. The taste of bile on his tongue doesn’t help the nausea. Sitting on the floor, he leans his head against the wall and takes measured breaths.
“Is Felix okay?” Hyunjin asks, realizing belatedly that he left his phone on the couch, in the middle of typing a message. Nothing to do about that now.
“Hanie said he’s calm.” Chan says, glancing up at the sound of water. Changbin wets a cloth, coming over to drape it around Hyunjin’s neck. The cold is soothing.
“Good.” Hyunjin nods, glad he managed to avoid suspicion. The only thing worse than going through an episode is knowing that Felix is an anxious mess elsewhere because Hyunjin is having an episode.
Felix is perceptive; a big part of emetophobia seems to be constantly looking for clues that someone is sick. So they haven’t always been able to hide Hyunjin’s illness, despite trying their best.
Hyunjin still doesn’t seem to have learned, caught off guard by the first gag. He throws himself at the toilet but leaves a small puddle of bile on the floor. Changbin doesn’t complain, just gently drapes a small towel over it. Chan rubs his back, following the movements of Hyunjin’s spine as retches curl through him. But all Hyunjin really wants is Felix.
--
Felix’s first suspicion comes when Hyunjin looks like he has to force himself to eat. He takes longer to chew and pauses before swallowing as if he has to convince himself to do it. Thinking back, he realizes that Hyunjin hasn’t been as enthusiastic about food in the last few days.
The suspicion turns to nerves when Hyunjin keeps rubbing his stomach. He seems to hold himself back from laughing the way he normally would at the videos Felix shows him. It doesn’t make him nearly as anxious as it used to, but then again, these are only the first subtle signs, there’s still time before any vomiting would happen.
When Jisung texts Felix to invite him over, Felix knows that Hyunjin is having an episode. It’s too perfectly timed. Felix doesn’t want to leave. He wants to be able to rub Hyunjin’s stomach and later, his back. But a flash of hot anxiety runs through him, and he isn’t so sure whether he’s ready for this yet.
Emetophobia treatment has done a lot for him, but there’s a big difference between watching a video of someone puking in exposure therapy, and seeing it in real life. He doesn’t know if it would matter that he’s so sure Hyunjin isn’t contagious. It’s the first time Hyunjin’s had an episode since Felix started treatment, and the anxiety sits in his body, like muscle memory. Maybe that’s why he lets himself practically be thrown out.
By the time he knocks on Jisung’s door, the anxiety has mellowed. He feels guilty for not being with Hyunjin, but his reason for staying away doesn’t scare him. The thought of Hyunjin vomiting is gross and he feels a little sick too if he thinks about the details, but it doesn’t feel like a threat.
Jisung comes to the door, looking a bit too excited, like he’s overcompensating. It would be suspicious even if Felix didn’t know what was going on. Felix barely holds back a comment about how they decided who would be the distraction this time, but Jisung seems so pleased with being able to help that he stays quiet.
While Jisung tries to make the TV work, struggling with finding the movie and logging into the correct streaming service, Felix texts Hyunjin. When Hyunjin immediately responds, Felix breathes out in relief. It can’t be that bad yet then.
They start the movie, but Felix stays on his phone, talking to Hyunjin. Sometimes responses take a little longer, Hyunjin seems to struggle more and more with what to say, but it’s only when the typing dots vanish along with the icon that shows he’s online that Felix feels something tighten in his chest. Because there’s really only one thing this could mean.
“Okay?” Jisung asks, and Felix realizes he’s scowling at his phone. Smoothing out his features, he lets it fall to the couch, face down.
“I think it started.” Felix says, his concern outweighing Jisung’s satisfaction at being useful. Jisung looks confused, pausing the movie.
“What started?” He asks. Felix wonders how stupid they think he is, as if he wouldn’t notice that his own boyfriend doesn’t feel well. He’s so tuned into Hyunjin’s body, he can’t remember many times he’s been surprised to learn that Hyunjin had an episode while he was gone.
“The puking.” Felix says, pleased when the word doesn’t make him anxious. He still remembers how even the word, or any word like it, used to clog up his throat and make his heart race.
Jisung sighs, giving in way too easily. “You know about Hyunjin.” He realizes. He looks tense, as if Felix will crumble to the floor at any moment. But Felix couldn’t panic even if he wanted to. The only thing he really wants to do is be there for Hyunjin, to be the one comforting him.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?” Felix asks, mildly hurt. He didn’t know he appeared that oblivious. He’s always perceptive, finding it easy to read the people around him, even if his phobia hadn’t taught him exactly how to spot the thing he fears the most.
“We could always hope you’d have an off-day.” Jisung shrugs lightly, but he looks guilty. Felix chuckles at the thought of an off-day from emetophobia. He could be in a coma and still know if someone around him felt sick.
“I want to be with him.” Felix voices the thought. It makes him anxious, but he can handle it. There is really nothing he desires more than to be the one to help Hyunjin through it.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Jisung shakes his head, looking more nervous than Felix feels. His lack of freak-out almost feels like there’s something wrong with him. Like this very reliable reaction he’s always had is missing, and the freedom he should feel is inaccessible.
“I know, but have you ever seen me so calm about this?” Felix argues, convincing himself more every second. Maybe he really could do this. Hyunjin isn’t contagious, and throwing up isn’t dangerous.
“No, it’s kind of freaky.” Jisung says thoughtfully. “But CVS is intense, Lix, and witnessing that is a big step up from watching videos.”
“How intense?” Felix asks, because he doesn’t really know. He never wanted to learn about the details. The times he heard or saw it happen; he was too panicked to trust that his own memories weren’t exaggerated.
“You really want to know?” Jisung must see the determination on his face, because he starts explaining. “It just started so it’s probably not that bad yet. I mean, he throws up ten times an hour, but he still has something to throw up. Eventually Chan hyung will make him drink water to make it easier on his throat, but none of it will stay down. If he’s lucky, it only lasts a few hours.”
The details make Felix regret asking, but he’s the one who wanted to know. He can only imagine how it would look or sound or even smell. And it really sucks that he is so anxious about something so irrational. It’s a good sign that he doesn’t panic at the mere thought, but the ants crawling under his skin make him want to cry. Because he can’t be there for Hyunjin, and he really wishes that he could.
“I’ll bring you there when the puking has stopped, but I’m not gonna be responsible for a setback in your recovery. Exposing yourself to that is a decision you should make with your therapist.” Jisung continues when Felix doesn’t say anything. Felix swallows the lump in his throat, telling himself that he has come far, and he will get even farther by Hyunjin’s next episode.
“But he’s going through something horrible.” Felix says quietly.
“And he’s not alone.” Jisung says. “Both Chan hyung and Changbin hyung are there, and they’ve done this enough times to make it as comfortable for him as possible.” He scoots closer, wrapping an arm around Felix’s shoulders. “I promise we can go there while he’s recovering, but you can’t sacrifice yourself for him. You’ll be able to help some other time, maybe even next time, but it can’t be a spontaneous decision.”
Felix can’t really argue with that. It’s a win that the thought of what Hyunjin is going through doesn’t cause a huge panic attack. It’s a win that he wants to be with Hyunjin rather than run away. It’s not a loss if he listens to his limits. Exposure therapy is supposed to happen slowly and over time.
“Can we restart the movie? I wasn’t paying attention.” Felix says, snuggling a little closer to Jisung.
--
Hyunjin lies on the floor, pressing his cheek against the cool tiles. In the small breaks he gets between bouts of vomiting, his stomach muscles ache, his throat burns, and his head throbs. He’s so intensely nauseous, it feels like his entire body tries to turn inside out.
Changbin carefully wipes the sweat off his face, and whatever else is smeared around his mouth. It’s absolutely disgusting, but he is beyond caring. It’s far from the first time he’s needed to be taken care of, and it won’t be the last.
His head is lifted, a glass of water pressed to his lips, and Hyunjin drinks. His stomach rolls in protest, but the water coming back up is a lot easier on his throat than pure bile. He groans in warning, feeling another round coming, and is helped back up, the world tilting with every movement.
Eventually, the bouts of vomiting spread out, giving him longer breaks in between each round until he’s just curled up on the floor, clutching his stomach and catching his breath. His throat is on fire, and he might have hurt a rib, it aches with every breath, and the lights pierce his eyes, so he keeps them closed.
The cool cloth is back on his face, cleaning him up. His shirt was lost at some point, and the cloth continues its path down his chest, gently wiping away the layer of sweat. A cold hand presses into his cheek and he hums in comfort. He doesn’t have a fever, but he’s been through one hell of a physical exertion, he’s warm.
Gentle hands cradle the back of his head, lifting it while pressing the rim of a glass against his lips. He drinks eagerly, knowing exactly what to do, but the cup is pulled away.
“Small sips.” A deep voice reminds him. Hyunjin’s eyes open in surprise, squinting at the bright light to see Felix hovering above him. Hyunjin sits up too fast, clenching his teeth against nausea and scooting away from him.
“What are you doing? You can’t be here. You have to leave.” Hyunjin rambles, panicking about what this could do to Felix. Hyunjin isn’t even sure he’s done puking yet, Felix should still be far, far away.
“It’s okay, just let me take care of you.” Felix says, hands hovering in the air like he still hasn’t processed that Hyunjin moved away. He doesn’t look comfortable, but he looks determined.
“No, you-” Hyunjin swallows thickly, humming against the feeling in his throat. Felix seems to change his mind in an instant, jumping off the floor and out of the room. Hyunjin tries to be quiet when a heave curls through him, the small amount of water and some bile reappearing on the floor. Chan is back at his side, but he doesn’t try to move Hyunjin, just rubs his back while he spits up more bile.
--
Felix paces the length of Hyunjin’s room, on the other side of the apartment than the bathroom. He takes deep breaths, forcing himself to relax and let go of the tension gathered in his body. There’s no reason to panic, it isn’t dangerous, he didn’t see anything. Thankfully, Hyunjin is very obvious about his nausea, and Felix could see the catastrophe coming.
“I’m sorry.” Jisung says, sitting on Hyunjin’s bed. Felix takes a shaky breath, trying to remember what his therapist tells him when they do exposure therapy. This is his anxiety reacting, it wants to keep him in its grip, he can’t listen to it.
“You thought he was done, that’s- that’s not your fault.” Felix stumbles over his words, the breath stuttering in his chest. He needs to get out of here, but in order to do that, he has to step closer to the bathroom, and then he might hear something, or see something, if the door isn’t closed all the way. How could he ever think he was ready for this? It’s only been five months of treatment; that’s nothing compared to how long he’s had emetophobia.
“I should’ve made sure, but it’s usually so predictable.” Jisung says, and Felix freezes in place. All he hears is that this isn’t how it usually happens. What if Hyunjin really is sick? What if it’s on him? What if it’s not stopping, and Felix is stuck in this room, or forced to witness it? Oh god, there was vomit on the floor. Under the towel, on the toilet bowl, he can still smell it. It’s on him, it’s in him, it has infected him.
“Felix, hey,” Jisung grabs Felix’s wrists. His face is blurred by Felix’s tears, and only then does he realize that his breathing has turned into short gasps that hurt his chest. “Breathe for me.” Jisung says, but Felix can’t. He makes a keening noise and falls to his knees, hands over his ears and eyes squeezed shut.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Lix. This is completely normal for him; I was just too quick when Changbin hyung said it was slowing down. I thought it had been longer.” Jisung explains, still gripping Felix’s arms. The touch is the only thing tethering Felix to reality. He can hear it through the walls, see it happening, the way Hyunjin worked so hard not to throw up when Felix was still in the room. The way he retched as soon as Felix was out of sight still rings in his ears.
“Felix!” Jisung breaks through his thoughts. “He’s fine, Hyunjin is fine, it stopped. No one’s throwing up.” Felix’s chest clenches, making a sound like a sob. Jisung holds him close, pressing Felix against his own chest. Felix does his best to copy the movements he feels of Jisung’s breath, hyperventilation bleeding into tears. His brain gets enough oxygen to start thinking rationally again, and he’s so disappointed in himself for letting the anxiety get the best of him.
Slowly, he lowers his arms, relaxing further when the only thing he hears through the walls is the shower. Jisung holds him for a long time, and Felix cries. To think that he wanted to help Hyunjin through the episode. It was a stupid idea. He’ll never be able to do that for anyone.
“Why am I not getting any better?” Felix asks weakly. He went through so much to get better, but he’s right back here, having a panic attack over something so pointless.
“You are. Don’t you remember how calm you’ve been today?” Jisung argues. Felix shakes his head, only able to remember the building tension in his body, how he only delayed the inevitable.
“But what’s the point of treatment if I can’t help him?” Felix sounds desperate, and he feels hopeless.
“You’re expecting too much of yourself.” Jisung says quietly. “It’ll keep getting easier, I promise.” He pulls back enough to look Felix in the eye without removing the physical comfort, and there’s so much hope in his eyes, maybe a little pride. “A few months ago, you had a panic attack the moment you realized Hyunjin had an episode. You didn’t even get out of the hotel before you called Chan hyung. He almost flew out there because you wouldn’t calm down, but it would’ve taken longer to get to Paris than the episode lasted.
“And look at you now. Calmly telling me that Hyunjin stopped replying because he threw up. Watching a movie with me and laughing at the funny parts. You are better, it was just a lot to expect to be this much better already.”
There’s definitely pride in Jisung’s eyes, and Felix starts to feel it too, because he’s right. Compared to Hyunjin’s other episodes, this was a tiny reaction. He didn’t panic when Hyunjin showed signs of nausea, or because Hyunjin vomited, only when he thought he’d have to witness it.
“Felix?” He’s saved from replying by a familiar voice. Turning around, he sees Hyunjin standing in the doorway, hair damp, wrapped in clean clothes. “Is this okay?” He asks, not taking a single step inside the room.
Felix is the one who moves, because the episode is over, and there’s no risk of Hyunjin throwing up now, so throwing his arms around his neck and hugging him close is completely safe. He smells of coconut shampoo and toothpaste, safe.
Felix feels himself relax when Hyunjin presses a kiss to the top of his head. He turns his head to mouth a ‘thank you’ to Jisung as he exits the room. He really needed to hear that, to be reminded that treatment works.
“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, pulling Felix toward the bed.
“I should ask you that.” Felix says. They lie on top of the covers, legs linked together, eyes meeting. Felix grabs Hyunjin’s hand, holding onto it.
“I’m okay now. Just sore and tired.” Hyunjin says, blinking slowly. He still looks a little red, but much more relaxed than he was on the bathroom floor.
“We should take a nap before we talk about this.” Felix decides, feeling how tired he is too. It’s already late in the afternoon, but he doesn’t care if it messes with his sleep tonight. Today was exhausting.
“As long as you’re comfortable with it.” Hyunjin says. He looks surprised that Felix is so close to him already, but there’s nowhere else Felix would rather be. It’s possible that Hyunjin is still a little queasy, and his stomach probably still hurts, but the danger, that was never actually dangerous, is over.
“I’m comfortable.” Felix says, leaning in for a quick kiss. “See? Comfortable.”