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“Yongbok?” Felix looks up at the sound of his name, worried when he sees how tense Hyunjin looks. They’re at practice, and Felix just collapsed onto the couch.
“Are you okay?” Felix is out of his seat in a moment, pulling Hyunjin close. He’s trembling slightly, only increasing Felix’s worry.
“You might want to brace yourself for this.” Hyunjin mumbles against his shoulder. Felix has a feeling what this is about. There isn’t really anything else Hyunjin would be so careful with telling him.
“You’re nauseous?” Felix asks, subconsciously stepping back. He has to remind himself that he can do this now, and reaches for Hyunjin’s hand to show him that it’s okay.
“Not yet,” Hyunjin shakes his head. It must just be his appetite then; he struggles to eat in the days before an episode. Felix noticed that too, but there are so many reasons why it might happen, he tried not to read into it. “Do you really want to do this?” Hyunjin looks hesitant, like he’s prepared for Felix to run away.
“What’s the point of treatment if I can’t do this?” Felix says. It’s been a year since he started emetophobia treatment, and he told Hyunjin two months ago that he wanted to help him next time he has an episode. It’s what he’s worked towards, and finally he feels ready for the challenge.
“I’d love you to be the one, but it’s okay if it’s too soon.” Hyunjin says. Felix almost wishes he wasn’t so understanding, because it would be so easy to choose the comfortable path and let someone else take care of it, but that isn’t how he gets better.
“If you tell me when you get nauseous, I’ll tell you when I get anxious.” Felix says. He doesn’t expect not to feel any anxiety, but he believes he has come far enough to handle it. The only way to truly beat the anxiety is to look it in the eyes and tell it that he doesn’t care.
“Deal.” Hyunjin smiles. “I never know if it’s gonna be days or hours at this point, so I don’t want you to go around anticipating it’ll happen at any moment. And it takes a while after the nausea starts too-”
“Hyunjin,” Felix cuts him off. “We got this.” He squeezes Hyunjin’s hand, comforting both of them. He can do this, definitely, and it’s a little easier to believe after a deep breath.
“Okay,” Hyunjin nods, relaxing slightly. “I need to go tell Chan hyung in case it starts at work.”
--
Of course, Felix isn’t able to forget about it. But in some ways, having the warning helps him. He goes over his notes from therapy, reminding himself how to handle exposures and how to speak to his anxiety. Separating it from himself helps him see how wrong it is.
He is observant of Hyunjin for the rest of day, keeping an eye on where his hands are, if they’re rubbing his stomach, how tired he looks, if he has a harder time eating, if he’s sweating or shaking. He doesn’t act out of the normal, hopefully because it doesn’t escalate.
They take a car home together, and Hyunjin leans into Felix’s side, a hand on his knee. He’s perhaps a bit more clingy than usual, but that’s just a bonus. Felix smiles at being able to be the person Hyunjin leans on this time. He has already handled more than ever before, sticking to Hyunjin’s side despite knowing what will happen soon.
“Will you spend the night?” Hyunjin asks quietly. Felix hesitates. He doesn’t want to be torn out of sleep by Hyunjin vomiting all over the bed, but that probably isn’t very likely to happen. “The nausea wakes me long before anything else happens.” He continues, seeing Felix’s hesitation.
“If you promise to wake me up the moment you feel something.” Felix decides. He doesn’t want to miss it if it hits during the night. “I can’t have any surprises.” He says it in a way that leaves no wiggle room.
“I wouldn’t hide it from you.” Hyunjin promises, almost looking hurt that Felix would question him. But he knows that Hyunjin is just nervous. It must be strange to let him in when it’s been so important to keep him out every other time.
They arrive at Hyunjin’s dorm, and Felix joins him with only slight hesitation. They get ready for bed together, taking turns showering and brushing their teeth. They joke around like it’s any other night, and Felix feels much calmer than he expected at this point. He genuinely laughs when Hyunjin gets shampoo in his eyes and needs help rinsing them out. It’s chaotic enough for Felix to forget what is going on.
It’s in the back of Felix’s mind again when they crawl into bed, but it must be in Hyunjin’s too. There’s no way he forgets that he will be violently sick soon. His eyes are a little red, but that’s easily explained by the shampoo. Otherwise, he shows no signs of sickness yet. He promised to say something, and Felix trusts that he will.
“Still good?” Felix asks, just to be sure. Hyunjin nods and mumbles an affirmation, appearing to almost be asleep. And because he said that the nausea keeps him awake, Felix feels safe enough to go to sleep too.
--
The next day comes and goes, which is a relief. The day is packed with work, and while Hyunjin could get out of it on account of violent illness, Felix wouldn’t be as lucky. Work comes first, and the company would rather send a manager home with Hyunjin. Most of their managers are like friends, so he would be in good hands, but Felix really wants to be the one. It would be a big letdown to have to wait another six-ish months for the next episode.
They have dinner in the car because it’s a longer drive than normal, and it’s late and they just want to get to bed. Hyunjin has almost finished his food when his hand halts halfway to his mouth. He grimaces and lowers his arm, closing the takeout container. Felix notices immediately.
“Hyunjin?” Felix asks, getting his attention. Hyunjin looks at him with wide eyes, and Felix just knows.
“It might just be the car.” Hyunjin reasons, but he doesn’t get carsick. Nerves twist in Felix’s stomach, but he breathes through it and feels it dissipate. It’s wild to experience that panic doesn’t have to take over just because Hyunjin feels sick.
“We still have time, right?” Felix was not prepared to witness this in a car. Hyunjin nods, carefully chewing on another bite. Felix wonders why he keeps eating. “Then just relax, we’ll be home in no time.” After a moment of thought, he adds, “And don’t test fate with more food in a moving car.” Hyunjin obediently places the container back in the bag.
Felix goes back to eating, he needs his energy if they’re going to be up all night. Mentally, he argues with his anxiety, allowing it to come, but not allowing it to be in control. Anxiety isn’t any more dangerous than vomiting, it’s just uncomfortable. He doesn’t have to listen to what it says, it’s usually bullshit anyway.
Hyunjin leans back in his seat and closes his eyes, only to open them and stare into the distance, shifting in his seat. Felix’s heart aches at seeing him so uncomfortable and knowing it’ll get a lot worse. It must feel so pointless to be so sick for no actual reason. He doesn’t have a virus, hasn’t eaten anything bad, his body just does this thing for reasons that no one understands.
Twenty minutes later, they pull up outside Hyunjin and Changbin’s dorm, and Felix and Chan follow them inside. Chan and Changbin are usually the ones helping Hyunjin, so they will be there the whole time too, ready to take over any moment it’s too much for Felix. He feels safer knowing that Hyunjin isn’t reliant on him keeping his shit together. But he has no plans of losing his shit.
Seeing as how no one expects to sleep anytime soon, they gather in the living room. Hyunjin lies on the couch with his head in Felix’s lap, arms wrapped around his middle.
“Want to watch a movie?” Felix suggests, hoping it can distract both of them for a while. He doesn’t know how long this stage will last, but if there’s one thing he trusts he can do, it’s recognizing the signs of worsening symptoms.
Hyunjin nods, but has no preference, so Changbin turns on something random. Felix chuckles quietly when he recognizes the movie he watched with Jisung during Hyunjin’s last episode. Apparently, it is his CVS episode movie, unintentionally.
The dark room does nothing to wake Felix up. His eyes start drooping in no time, reminding him of how late it is. Normally, on a day like this, he’d crash in bed the moment they got home, asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. It must be a good sign that he’s relaxed enough to fall asleep with a nauseous Hyunjin in his lap.
--
Felix wakes up when Hyunjin moves, sitting up beside him. He looks clammy, beads of sweat shining on his lip and forehead. Felix wishes that this didn’t have to happen at all, but is aware that voicing the thought won’t help anyone.
He wonders if they should move to the bathroom. The last thing he wants is a messy scene in the living room; he doesn’t think he could handle that. Looking to Chan and Changbin, he sees that they watch Hyunjin with relaxed gazes. This must be a normal part of the progression, and there’s no need to freak out yet.
“What do you need?” Felix asks, wishing he could do something to help. Hyunjin reaches for his hand, holding on tightly with a pleading look.
“Stay.” Hyunjin whispers, followed by clearing his throat and swallowing audibly. Felix’s heart picks up speed, and he bites the inside of his cheek. It’s getting very real that Hyunjin will get sick soon, and the anticipation is getting to Felix.
“Felix?” Chan calls, and Felix whips around as if there’s a danger. He expects Chan to look panicked, in a rush to get Hyunjin to the bathroom, but that’s not what meets him. “Come with me?” Chan starts walking out of the room. Felix gives Hyunjin’s hand one last squeeze and follows him to the kitchen.
“What?” Felix asks, out of breath. He shouldn’t be from only walking a few steps, but his heart beats out of his chest, and he can’t seem to catch his breath.
“You just look panicky.” Chan says with a frown; that protective look he reserves for the members. Felix wishes he could reassure Chan that there’s nothing to worry about this time. Felix isn’t important tonight, but bringing attention to his anxiety makes him realize how tight its grip is on him.
He closes his eyes and takes a measured breath. “It’s just a tense wait.” He says. He worries that it’s built into such a big thing that he’ll implode when the thing finally happens. What if he can’t handle it at all?
“Remember why you’re doing this.” Chan says. Felix nods, thinking of every time he’s helplessly sat somewhere else, guilty for avoiding Hyunjin when he needed him. He knows Hyunjin misses him when he’s sick, even if he understands why Felix couldn’t be there.
“For Hyunjin.” Felix says. It’s for himself too; to prove that he can; to show himself that he has made progress. But he wouldn’t care enough to seek emetophobia treatment if Hyunjin didn’t have cyclic vomiting syndrome.
“It means a lot to him that you’re here.” Chan agrees, smiling softly. He glances toward the living room. Felix follows his line of sight, seeing Hyunjin’s back. He rocks slightly in place, and Changbin is more alert, carefully watching him. Felix swallows thickly, taking another measured breath.
“Me too.” Felix says. He thinks of how proud he’ll be after, and how happy he’ll be that he stayed with Hyunjin. How happy Hyunjin will be that he stayed with him.
“It wasn’t easy for us in the beginning either.” Chan says; Felix must still look tense. “It’s a lot, and it’s scary to watch if you don’t know what’s normal, but I promise you, it gets easier.”
Felix relaxes his jaw, dropping his shoulders and relaxing his stomach. Immediately, it’s easier to breathe. “What’s normal?” He asks. Will Hyunjin be able to breathe? Will he vomit blood? Will he pass out?
“I’ll let you know if something isn’t. You don’t have to worry about it.” Chan simply says. Probably a wise choice. Felix doesn’t need to freak out about details.
“Okay. I think he needs us now.” Felix gestures to Hyunjin. He has his head in his hands, and Felix can see how shallow his breaths are.
“Not until you’re okay.” Chan grabs his upper arm, keeping him from moving. Felix knows he’s right, so he takes a moment to turn his attention inwards. He doesn’t feel as shaky, and he can breathe okay. Mostly he feels like he’s in the wrong place, because he should be right next to Hyunjin.
“I’m good. I just needed to collect myself.” Felix says. Chan nods and lets him go. Changbin glances up when Felix comes back in, and the look on his face says everything Felix needs to know.
“He won’t move.” Changbin says. He doesn’t seem particularly frustrated about it. It just seems like part of the routine. It sounds like Hyunjin to be stubborn about it, no matter how nauseous he feels. It must be daunting to go to the bathroom, knowing what will happen there.
Felix sits next to Hyunjin, seeing him shiver and swallow heavily. “Hyunjin, if you puke everywhere, I’m out of here.” Felix says, because he’s not ready for that yet. Nothing in the world can hold back the panic if that happens.
Hyunjin frowns at him, but nods. Changbin grabs Hyunjin’s arm, carefully helping him up while Felix supports his side. It’s clear how unsteady Hyunjin is on his feet, but Felix stops walking at the doorstep to the bathroom.
A big part of his treatment was exposure therapy, first looking at pictures, then videos of people vomiting. It took months to build up to the point of being ready for that, and another few months to get mildly comfortable with it. Stepping into a bathroom, knowing he’ll see it in person is different.
Chan lays a hand on Felix’s back, smiling encouragingly. Felix looks at Hyunjin, the way he’s curled in on himself, sitting on the hard tiles, leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. He can’t back out now. Felix gives Chan a look he hopes says that he’s okay.
He sits next to Hyunjin, and Hyunjin’s head drops to his shoulder. An image of vomit spraying over Felix’s clothes flashes across his mind, but he doesn’t let it grow any bigger than that. If it happens, he’ll deal with it, but he won’t entertain the thought.
“What do you need?” Felix asks quietly, suspecting that Hyunjin’s head hurts. He was told that he gets headaches during episodes, but isn’t sure when it normally starts. The way he avoids looking at the lights says enough.
“Rub my stomach?” Hyunjin mumbles against his shoulder, almost unintelligible. Felix deciphers the words after a few seconds and sneaks his hand under Hyunjin’s shirt. He’s glad that the bathroom is big enough that it doesn’t feel like Chan and Changbin breathe down their necks. The moment feels oddly intimate, and he can pretend that they’re alone.
Hyunjin’s stomach gurgles under his hand, whining audibly. Felix can almost feel how sick he feels. It’s a bit too easy to imagine, so he reminds himself that he himself isn’t sick, and there’s no way he could be when Hyunjin isn’t contagious.
Felix feels Hyunjin’s stomach tighten before his hand is roughly pushed away and Hyunjin turns toward the toilet. Felix doesn’t move for a moment, staring at the opposite wall when he hears Hyunjin retch. He lets Chan take charge, suddenly not sure that he’s doing the right thing.
Changbin is suddenly right in front of him, holding out a damp cloth. “He likes this on his neck.” He says, leaving it up to Felix who should do it. Felix looks at it for another moment, flinching when Hyunjin coughs wetly, the sound echoing.
He didn’t fight for this just to take a backseat. Grabbing the cloth with determination, he turns to Hyunjin and drapes it over his neck, adding his hand on top for some pressure. Hyunjin doesn’t react, but Felix doesn’t expect him to. He doesn’t expect to be acknowledged at all for the next few hours.
It’s as if someone else takes over Felix’s body. He doesn’t think or panic or feel much at all. His sole focus is Hyunjin; rubbing his back, refreshing the cold cloth, helping him up and down from the floor, wiping his face, holding his hair back.
“You don’t even need us.” Chan says jokily. Possibly for the first time, he gets to sit back and not take control of a situation. Felix smiles proudly, cupping Hyunjin’s cheek and rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone. The breaks aren’t long, but Felix does whatever he can to bring comfort whenever he can.
Hours must pass, but time doesn’t feel real. Felix shocks himself with how much he can handle. Sounds, visuals, smells. He even holds the cup of water to Hyunjin’s lips when visibly winces at the pain in his throat and needs something to throw up.
Felix gives Hyunjin water knowing he’ll throw it up and his only thought is that it’ll soothe his pain. When Hyunjin gags around the cup and vomits on the floor, Felix thinks that it’s just water and accepts the towel Changbin hands him.
Hyunjin is exhausted, practically dead weight in Felix’s arms when he tries to lift him up. Chan lays a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head lightly. Felix gives a confused look, holding onto Hyunjin even when his spine curls with retches.
“He’s drained, let’s just let him lie down. Put the towel under his head.” Chan suggests. Felix looks to Changbin who wordlessly agrees. They must be used to this. Felix nods, lowering Hyunjin back down to the floor. His eyes close with a sigh, as if the floor is the most comfortable thing he’s ever laid on.
“I got you,” Felix says for the umpteenth time, turning Hyunjin on his side and draping a clean part of the towel under his head. Hyunjin grabs Felix’s hand, their eyes meeting for a moment before they close in pain as he gasps, catching his breath.
Hyunjin gets a longer break that time, and Felix starts to relax. After a few minutes, his attention isn’t as intensely on Hyunjin, but he is right back on when Hyunjin whines in warning. The towel protects the floor, and Felix easily switches it out, handing the soiled one to Chan.
More time passes between each round after that, and Felix slowly starts to let his guard down. He feels how exhausted he is too from being on alert for so long. Chan hands him a glass of water and Felix’s hand shakes enough to spill some over the edge. He turns back to Hyunjin before Chan can comment on it, lifting his head and pressing the rim to his lips.
Hyunjin drinks eagerly, brows knitted and skin pale and clammy. He lies back on the floor, somehow looking both tense and limp. Felix holds Hyunjin’s shoulder and brushes the sweaty hair out of his face.
“How do you feel?” Felix asks. When Hyunjin’s eyes open, they don’t look as pained or glassed over.
“Not like I’ll hurl right at this moment.” Hyunjin mumbles. Suddenly, Felix can’t breathe. His jaw clenches and he looks pleadingly at Chan, unable to process why he can’t breathe. Panic, he realizes belatedly. He’s panicking. But he can’t panic; Hyunjin still needs him.
Hyunjin notices, giving Felix’s hip a small shove, as if trying to make him get up. Felix stubbornly stays in place, slowing down his breathing and only managing to get more out of breath. His chest burns, and his vision is oddly blurry, like his brain can’t process what he’s seeing.
“Lix, go,” Hyunjin pushes him again. He’s right. Felix can’t be here the next time he pukes. Not while he’s in this state. He just needs a moment to collect himself, same as earlier.
He jumps to his feet and hurries outside, through the apartment and slams the door to Hyunjin’s room, as far away from the bathroom as possible. Without thinking, he strips off his clothes, throwing them in the corner of the room and pressing himself into the opposite one. It must be on his clothes, in his hair, on his skin.
It’s on him, in him, on a cellular level. It has penetrated every pore of his skin, crawling into him, infecting him. Taking off his clothes won’t be enough. He needs to shower. He can’t shower. Hyunjin is in the bathroom, probably vomiting again.
Felix sinks to the floor, keeping his disgusting hands as far away from his face as possible. He’s infected, he’s contaminated, he can’t breathe, the air isn’t clean anyway. His head spins and spins, chest burning, begging for air, getting too much of it, trying not to let it in.
“Yongbok?” Changbin stands in the doorway. Felix jumps to his feet, throwing out his arms. He is aware of how crazy he must look, and how dramatic this reaction is. He was supposed to calm down, not have a complete panic attack.
“Don’t come any closer!” Felix yells, head spinning. Changbin is contaminated too. He shouldn’t be here. He can’t be. As if Felix wasn’t the one sitting right next to Hyunjin the whole time.
“I won’t. I’ll stay right here; I just need you to breathe.” Changbin says, annoyingly calmly.
“I am breathing.” Felix whines, followed by a sharp gasp. The problem is that he’s breathing too much and can’t seem to calm down. He’s so painfully aware of his own panic and what he has to do to calm down, but he can’t make himself do it. The panic is an irrational and extreme reaction to something that is nowhere near dangerous. And somehow, it feels like the only rational thing to do.
“Yongbok,” Changbin is gentle but stern. Felix looks up through his tears, embarrassed at what a mess he must look. “It’s natural for you to have this reaction.”
“It’s pathetic.” Felix counters. All he wanted was to be there for Hyunjin, and he couldn’t even do that. He should’ve listened to the anxiety when Chan pulled him aside; that was his first sign that this was too soon. But is it really rational to expect to have no reaction at all the first time he’s exposed to it?
“Maybe,” Changbin allows, knowing better than to argue with him. “But panic is how you’ve always dealt with these situations. It will take time to learn not to do that.”
Felix hopelessly looks at him, gasping for breath while hot tears slide down his cheeks. It’s bullshit. He’s been in treatment for a year; he should be okay by now. Perhaps he could allow panic if it was a stomach bug, but the reason for Hyunjin’s vomiting isn’t contagious. Felix is in no danger of having to go through the same thing; he shouldn’t be triggering.
“You just sat with Hyunjin for five hours, Yongbokkie, basically helping him through it all by yourself, you can’t say that’s not progress.” Changbin reminds him. Felix nods, trying to take in the sentiment. It’s true and Felix felt good about it until he didn’t anymore. He should be proud of himself, but he shouldn’t have panicked.
“Then why is this happening?” Felix cries, managing to breathe a little deeper. He’s so disappointed in himself, and so sick of everything emetophobia takes from him. A year ago, it was impossible to think of sitting with Hyunjin while he puked, but Felix loves him, and wants to care for him, and if he wasn’t so phobic, he would’ve never flinched. Just like Chan and Changbin who immediately stepped up and learned how to help Hyunjin, Felix wants that too.
The hyperventilating bleeds into sobs, and he covers his face with his hands as he sinks to the floor. He feels even more pathetic now, not just panicking, but sobbing over such a stupid situation. If he really sat with Hyunjin for five hours, why was it suddenly not okay?
“Can I come in?” Changbin asks quietly. Felix nods, defeated. A moment later, there’s a warm hand on his shoulder. It’s surprisingly comforting, giving him something outside of his own head to focus on.
“You have taken such huge steps today, don’t forget that. It’s incredible that you were fine for so many hours before panicking. You used to panic at the slightest hint that someone was nauseous and refused to even be in the same building as them. But it’s natural to have a reaction at 4am when you haven’t slept and have been tense for hours.”
The reminder is exactly what Felix needs to hear. He has fought the anxiety voice in his head for hours, at some point it’s natural for the emotions to come out. Logically, it was bound to happen when Hyunjin started feeling better and Felix’s adrenaline lowered. A part of him expected it, but it still took him by surprise.
Felix stops crying, slumping against the wall. He is exhausted, and can only imagine how Hyunjin feels. Glancing down, he flushes at his own nakedness, at least glad he had half the mind to keep his underwear on. The anxiety melts away like ice on a hot day now that he has access to rational thoughts again.
“How about we get you some clean clothes, and then make a plan?” Changbin suggests. He doesn’t make it a thing, or make him talk about it, and Felix is grateful. He can go into the details of what happened with his therapist some other day.
Felix gets off the floor, pulling a tissue from the nightstand to wipe his face. Catching his reflection, he sees how red his eyes and nose are, and shame burns in his stomach. Quickly dressing in clean clothes, he turns back to Changbin.
“It’s okay if you want to wait here until he’s in recovery.” Changbin says softly. It’s tempting. It was great last time to cuddle with Hyunjin after his shower and help him relax while he recovered. But Felix shakes his head.
“If I don’t go back, I’ll prove to myself that it’s dangerous.” He sounds like his therapist but has to admit that it’s true. Listening to his anxiety has never helped, within his limits of course. But he doesn’t feel on the verge of panic anymore, so avoiding Hyunjin would just be avoiding the possibility of anxiety.
Felix takes the lead, not waiting for Changbin to walk back to the bathroom. He’s determined not to let emetophobia ruin anything else for him. His heart picks up speed the closer he comes to the bathroom, but he doesn’t hesitate, opening the door and steeping inside.
Hyunjin lies on the floor, curled up on his side with one arm under his head. His eyes are closed, face relaxed with sleep. Chan sits against the cabinet under the sink, knees pulled up to his chest and head leaned back, asleep as well.
Felix carefully sits beside Hyunjin, lifting his head into his lap. Hyunjin’s eyes glide open, looking up in confusion before resting his head against Felix’s thighs. He sighs, a small smile on his lips. The colour is coming back to his face, and he’s stopped sweating. He looks much healthier.
“Proud of you.” Hyunjin mumbles, eyes sliding shut again. Felix blushes and smiles shyly. He is proud of himself too. He really couldn’t have expected this to go any better than it did. The panic attack he had was nothing compared to a year ago, especially not with how much exposure he tolerated first.
“How do you feel?” Felix asks. Hyunjin shrugs, and flinches at the movement. Felix rubs his shoulder, feeling how tense the muscles are. His neck was stiff last time too, having been overworked for hours.
“Haven’t been sick since you left.” Hyunjin mumbles. It’s a relief to hear, and Felix doesn’t allow himself to think about why. It’s much safer to decide that he’s just glad that Hyunjin feels better.
“Maybe we should get you to bed then.”