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It’s the cold that wakes Hyunjin. The lack of the warm body he fell asleep next to. They don’t stay together over night very often, mostly because they are together so much during the day that they’re fine with having some alone time at night. And it’s easier to get up in the morning with the added excitement of seeing each other at work.
But there was something in Felix’s voice last night, almost like he was scared to be alone when he asked Hyunjin to stay. Hyunjin will never deny Felix when he asks so cutely, and he will never leave when Felix needs him.
Reaching out an arm, his eyes open when he only finds cold sheets, telling him that Felix got up a while ago. Hyunjin lifts up on his elbows, looking around the dark room in confusion. Felix is a heavy sleeper; it’s rare for him to get up in the night. Sometimes, he doesn’t even move in his sleep, waking up in the same position he fell asleep in. Especially after an exhausting day like they just had.
Without a second thought, Hyunjin climbs out of bed, shivering at the cold air that hits his skin. He doesn’t remember opening the window before going to sleep, but it’s wide open now. Felix must’ve opened it for some reason, so he closes it before padding out of the room.
He hears shuffling from the living room and walks the length of the hallway before spotting Felix pacing across the floor. It’s too dark to see his face, but there’s a tight set to his shoulders. Hyunjin’s chest clenches at the thought that something is wrong. He should’ve realized that something deeper was going on when Feix was so hesitant to be left alone.
“Felix?” Hyunjin asks quietly, and Felix startles. He easily startles, but he doesn’t yell this time, doesn’t laugh at his own reaction. He just drags in a sharp breath that stutters on its way back out and continues pacing. It sounds like he’s crying, but the sound doesn’t repeat.
Hyunjin fumbles in the dark, finding the nearest light source that isn’t the ceiling lights. The small lamp burns his eyes when it turns on, but it’s out of sight when he turns back to Felix, finally seeing the strange look on his face. It takes a moment for Felix to look at him, expression blank.
“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asks, stepping closer and seeing the sheen of sweat on his skin. Felix blinks rapidly and looks a little clearer when their eyes meet again.
“I don’t feel right.” Felix says quietly. Hyunjin gives his shoulders a comforting squeeze before pulling him into his chest. Felix whines and pulls back, and Hyunjin is reminded of the open window and what it might mean.
“Are you sick?” Hyunjin asks while lifting a hand to Felix’s forehead. He doesn’t feel warm, but Hyunjin always gets so warm when he sleeps, he doesn’t trust himself to accurately gauge his temperature.
“I don’t know, I just feel weird.” Felix says. He turns away from Hyunjin, walking to the end of the room before turning to come back. His eyes are wide, but not in the usual cute way. It’s a tight look, like he’s uncomfortable, scared.
“What feels weird?” Hyunjin frowns. He’s gonna need more information in order to figure out what is going on. Felix shakes his head, going too long without blinking. It’s almost a little creepy, and Hyunjin considers knocking on Seungmin’s door to ask if he knows anything.
“I’m so hot.” Felix says, explaining the open window in the bedroom. But Hyunjin doesn’t understand how that led to whatever this is. Felix suddenly stops pacing, lowering his head into his hands. “I feel so sick.” He mutters, swaying in place.
Hyunjin instinctively reaches out again, steadying him with a tight grip. There is something familiar about this, but he can’t put his finger on what it is. He still feels half-asleep, sure he could fall asleep right here if he closed his eyes.
“Let’s sit down, yeah?” Hyunjin carefully guides Felix over to the couch, finally getting a good look at him when they move into the light. He’s pale and clammy, but there is no flush of a fever, it just looks like he feels terrible. His eyes dart around the room, as if he’s looking at something Hyunjin can’t see, and he looks so focused on whatever it is.
“Do you feel nauseous?” Hyunjin asks, nerves growing when Felix nods. They are way too busy for a stomach bug to make the rounds. “Are you going to throw up?” Felix shakes his head, to Hyunjin’s relief. So he isn’t that type of sick, at least not yet.
“When did this start?” Felix looks at him like it’s the most difficult question to answer, frown deepening as a questioning look settles over him. “Did you wake up feeling like this?” Hyunjin tries again, and Felix shakes his head.
“Didn’t sleep.” Felix says, tone flat. Hyunjin smiles softly, realizing that Felix is probably just overtired. They had a very early morning yesterday, and a long, exhausting day of fancalls and press. Felix has been awake for almost twenty-four hours; anyone would feel half out of their mind.
“Alright, back to bed.” Hyunjin says, “Come on.” He pulls Felix up from the couch and immediately regrets it when Felix looks like he’ll keel over. He goes so pale, he’s almost grey and his fingers clutch tightly onto Hyunjin’s arms.
“Don’t let me fall.” Felix’s voice trembles, a look of terror on his face, and the pieces suddenly fall into place. It happens so rarely, and Hyunjin isn’t always there; he hasn’t seen this in over a year, so he didn’t recognize the aura for what it was.
“I’ve got you, you’re not falling.” Hyunjin says. They’re standing completely still, but he knows that Felix feels like he’s falling, his stomach dropping out from under him lie he’s at a roller coaster. He always gets so scared during auras and the only thing Hyunjin can do is keep him safe and hope he doesn’t have to feel this way for too long before the seizure happens.
Hyunjin thinks this is when he should wake Seungmin up for reinforcement. But Felix needs all the rest he can get in whatever time he has left. It could be hours, so he should really try to sleep. Bed first, then Seungmin, Hyunjin decides.
He scoops Felix into his arms, thankful for all the time he spent in the gym recently, and carries him back to bed. Felix clutches onto him, whimpering at the movement.
“I got you, you’re safe. I’m just getting you to bed so you can sleep, okay?” Hyunjin says. He really hopes Felix can sleep. He needs some energy for what’s going to come. He doesn’t mention the impending seizure or ask about the aura; chances are Felix is scared and confused enough already.
He lies Felix on the bed and wraps the comforter tightly around him. Felix whines about the heat, but he isn’t actually hot, his brain is just misfiring signals. He quickly gives up on fighting; it is far more uncomfortable for him if the chill sets in; the shivers are so painful on his already exhausted body.
“Do you think you can sleep?” Hyunjin asks, seeing how Felix snuggles into the bed, eyes closing with a content sigh. He doesn’t get a reply, but Felix’s exhaustion is clear enough. The aura seems to be passing for now, having delivered its warning.
Hyunjin lies beside him on top of the covers, so he hopefully won’t fall asleep, and strokes his arm until Felix’s breath evens out, features smoothing out and tension leaving his body. Hyunjin breathes out in relief. He watches Felix for a moment, just to make sure he’s really asleep, then he gets up to find Seungmin.
Seungmin’s room is just down the hall, and Hyunjin leaves both their doors open so he can hear Felix if he gets up again. He tends to pace in his confusion, feeling like he has somewhere to be without knowing where.
Seungmin is asleep on his back, half wrapped in the blanket and wearing what looks like the softest pyjamas. It is with regret that Hyunjin whispers his name and shakes his shoulder. Seungmin swats at Hyunjin’s hand, making an annoyed sound. His breathing makes it obvious that he’s awake, but he pretends to still be asleep.
“Felix had an aura.” Hyunjin says, and the younger forgets all about pretending to sleep.
“When?” Seungmin asks, abruptly sitting up. He was the one who was with Felix last time. The aura came in the car on their way home; Hyunjin was in a different car and didn’t have any battery left on his phone. He practically ran over to the other dorm when his phone turned on, and Felix’s messages appeared, and the seizure happened a couple hours after Hyunjin got there.
He hasn’t missed many seizures, thanks to Felix’s insistent need to have him there and the auras giving him enough time to get to Felix. Hyunjin drops absolutely anything to get to Felix when it happens; it’s the one thing he doesn’t compromise on. It’s a nice change to already be with Felix for once.
“I don’t know. I found him in the living room and took him back to bed; it was still going on but he’s asleep now.” Hyunjin quickly fills him in. Seungmin nods firmly, wordlessly grabbing his pillow and blanket.
“I’ll move to the couch.” Seungmin says. It is closer to Felix’s room. Hyunjin thanks him, relieved that he doesn’t have to do this alone. Not that he couldn’t, but they never know what will happen and it feels safer to have more than one set of hands.
Seungmin settles on the couch and Hyunjin leaves Felix’s door open before climbing back into bed, the two of them a little tenser as they go back to sleep. Hyunjin wishes he could stay up and just watch Felix, like he can if it’s daytime, but he really needs the sleep too. Before falling asleep, he makes sure that the comforter isn’t all the way up to Felix’s neck, and that his airway is clear, just in case he starts seizing in his sleep.
-
The next time Hyunjin wakes up, it’s the heat. He always runs hot in his sleep, but now it presses in on him as if his body knows that he needs to be awake. He throws off the comforter and startles when he sees Felix standing beside his side of the bed.
Felix’s arms are wrapped around himself, his head resting in the crook of an elbow, as if he’s desperately trying to comfort himself. In an instant, Hyunjin is out of bed and hugging him close. Felix doesn’t fight the hug this time, welcoming it instead.
“I don’t feel good.” Felix says. Hyunjin takes it as a good sign that he can still talk, but him getting out of bed speaks of a building restlessness. Switching on the lamp, Hyunjin doesn’t like what he sees.
“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asks. He can see that Felix feels worse than earlier. His pupils are blown wide, and he looks so unlike himself, like his entire face has shifted slightly, but Hyunjin can’t say what it is that has changed. He just knows that Felix isn’t entirely present.
“…Just…” Felix immediately loses his train of thought, as if he can let go now that Hyunjin is awake. Hyunjin hopes he wasn’t awake for long before Hyunjin woke up.
“Do you feel like the seizure is close?” Hyunjin asks. Felix just shrugs, and Hyunjin takes it as a confirmation, not sure if Felix even understands what’s being said anymore. “I’ll keep you safe.” Hyunjin says, just in case the words still mean something to him.
He lowers his hands to the back of Felix’s thighs, and normally Felix would jump, latching onto Hyunjin’s chest, but he doesn’t seem to register what Hyunjin is doing. Hyunjin makes Felix wrap his arms around his neck before bending down to get a good grip on him and lifting him into his arms.
“Let’s find Seungminnie, yeah? You’ll be okay.” Hyunjin says softly. He’s thankful that he didn’t wake up to Felix seizing, that he didn’t have to yell for Seungmin and scramble to get Felix into a safe position, but this anticipation doesn’t feel much better. Mostly because he’s so aware of how hard this is for Felix.
Felix is still partially conscious, aware of everything that feels wrong and strange and foreign in his mind and body, and he’s confused and scared and there isn’t really much Hyunjin can do about it. He can’t take it away or make it any easier, and he can’t explain what’s happening in a way that Felix will fully understand. But he can comfort and reassure, and perhaps that’s enough.
While Felix often repeats that he’s thankful for how rare his seizures are, he has also expressed envy for people who have their auras much later. Where there may just be minutes between aura and seizure, and they slip away fast. It may not be any less nerve-wracking, but at least it’s quicker.
Once, Felix asked Hyunjin to try to trigger the seizure so he wouldn’t have to wait, and Hyunjin had to explain that it wouldn’t be safe or helpful, if it was even possible. Felix normally handles his epilepsy pretty well, but with the heightened emotions and lowered awareness that comes with auras, he doesn’t think clearly.
When they reach the living room, Seungmin is already awake and sitting up, such a light sleeper. He jumps off the couch to free up the space and Hyunjin carefully lowers him onto the cushions. Seungmin’s bedding is removed, replaced by a small pillow to support Felix’s neck as he curls up on his side.
Hyunjin sits on the edge of the couch, keeping a firm hand on his shoulder. It’s a small thing but Felix has said how much it helps. He likes pressure, it makes him feel a little safer, so Hyunjin places his other hand on his ribs, pressing harder than an ordinary touch.
Felix moves around as if he can’t get comfortable, squirming around on the couch. He’s probably warm and nauseous, eyes wide and fixed on a spot on the floor. Seungmin takes a seat on the armrest at Felix’s feet, staying close but letting Hyunjin take the lead; Felix gets so easily overwhelmed. Right now, all his senses are in overdrive, his emotions are all over the place and he isn’t aware enough to process any of it; he needs a calm and quiet environment.
“How do you feel?” Hyunjin asks quietly, gently massaging his jaw and feeling the tension building under the skin. Hyunjin asks more to show that he’s there, just in case Felix can hear his voice. Felix hums, but it isn’t clear whether it’s completely on purpose. His lips smack together, jaw moving as if he’s chewing.
Felix moves again, laying a hand under his head, crossed over his chest, just like he did earlier when he hugged himself. His eyes close, lids fluttering in a way that doesn’t look entirely voluntary. Hyunjin pushes the long blonde strands out of his face and exchanges a look with Seungmin who gives a comforting nod.
“Just relax, we’re keeping you safe.” Hyunjin says, feeling Felix’s jaw start to move more forcefully under his palm. It starts pulling to one side, his mouth opening and closing with every movement. His eyes soon follow the movement, twitching to the side in synchrony with his mouth. Sometimes, this is all that happens, but Hyunjin barely has time to think the thought before it progresses.
Felix starts gasping, neck pulling to the side, down toward the pillow. His eyes, jaw and neck all move to the same side, gasped breaths sounding between each convulsion. It moves down to his arms, and Hyunjin glances at Seungmin again, both of them realizing that this is probably going to be a more severe seizure than they hoped.
The hand under Felix’s head pushes out, lifting him into a partial upright position. His head hangs limply and drool runs out of his mouth and onto his upper arm. Hyunjin gets off the couch then, getting out of the way so the seizure can freely play out. He only keeps a steadying hand on Felix’s shoulder, wishing so desperately that he could do more.
Felix other arm joins in, hand in a tight fist as it rhythmically contracts toward his abdomen. Hyunjin is sure that his abs are contracting too, but it’s invisible through the thick fabric of his hoodie.
Hyunjin is so tempted to wipe away the drool, knowing how gross Felix finds it when he wakes up wet, but restrains himself. It’s kind of impressive how much spit is produced when it’s allowed to just drip out of the mouth.
Felix’s arms straighten out in front of his chest and his head lowers, facedown into the pillow. Hyunjin zeroes in on it, tense despite seeing that his upper body is so tense that he hovers over the pillow, keeping his airway clear.
The next few compulsions pull Felix backwards until he’s leaning against the back of the couch. His top leg follows the movement, lifted into the air and bent at a ninety-degree angle. His entire body is locked up, only tightening further with the convulsions.
Hyunjin stops touching him, his hands only hovering nearby in case he loses his balance. The gasped breaths continue, arm and leg kicking into the back of the couch. As the seizure progresses, his head sinks down from the pillow, neck bending in a way that pushes grunts through this throat.
It would’ve been a scary sight if Hyunjin didn’t know why it was happening or that nothing is out of the normal. As it is, it’s more unsettling than anything, watching someone move in ways they would never be able to replicate while conscious. But most of all, Hyunjin just wants to take it away from Felix, to make the seizure stop and prevent it from ever happening again.
It doesn’t take long before the movements start to soften and spread out. His eyes and mouth stop moving first. His eyes stay fixed open, unblinking, and his eyes must burn, but it feels like a small thing compared to the convulsions that linger in his limbs.
“Lix, relax.” Hyunjin’s hand finds Felix’s cheek again, gently rubbing the sore muscles of his jaw. The movements continue to soften, and Hyunjin forces himself to be patient. He’s painfully aware that each convulsion brings more pain, worsening the strain on his body, and adding to how sore he’ll be, but at least he isn’t aware of it while it happens, and that’s a small comfort.
“Felix, you can relax.” He keeps his voice soothing, calm, knowing how big of a difference his tone makes. Felix makes a noise that sounds more like himself and the convulsions slow more. His arm lowers to his abdomen, his leg relaxing too as his breathing speeds up, sounding more like he’s out of breath.
“There you go.” Hyunjin encourages. Seungmin brings a tissue, and Hyunjin takes it with a grateful smile, gently wiping the drool from Felix’s face and arm. Most of what’s on his arm has soaked into the fabric, but Hyunjin presses the tissue against it, absorbing some of the dampness.
“Lix, are you okay?” There’s no response, but Felix breathes heavier, body relaxing now. It can take a while to recover, so Hyunjin gives him time, allowing him to catch his breath for a while. His face scrounges slightly, and Hyunjin knows how sick he feels. It’s always bad after such violent seizures, and he was exhausted to begin with. But it’s just nausea, he never vomits.
Hyunjin sneaks a hand under Felix’s hoodie, gently rubbing his stomach and receiving a sigh that sounds voluntary, even if it isn’t intentional.
Felix suddenly lifts his head, looking around blearily before leaning further back into the couch. He looks so dazed, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. Hyunjin has no way of knowing how conscious he is; he’s still starting straight ahead, not reacting to anything. But his eyes eventually find Hyunjin, slightly less distant.
“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks. Felix looks at him for a long moment before clumsily reaching for his hand. Hyunjin grasps it tightly, hoping it is grounding. “Are you alright?” He asks again. There’s a noise that is probably supposed to be a ‘yeah’, and Felix closes his mouth, continuing to breathe heavily through his nose. He finally blinks, eyes moving around the room. He looks so exhausted, but becomes more and more aware with each moment.
“Are you good?” Hyunjin asks again after another minute. This time the answer is clearer.
“Yeah.” Felix still slurs slightly, but Hyunjin can understand without guessing what he tried to say. Hyunjin squeezes his shoulder before rubbing his temple, knowing his head hurts. Felix’s eyes close, breathing slowing down.
“Do you want to go back to sleep?” Hyunjin asks. Seungmin is already moving down the hall to get Felix’s comforter. Neither of them wants to move him, and there isn’t really a reason to when the couch is so comfortable.
“Yeah.” Felix breathes again, almost sounding back to normal. He sinks further into the cushions, drifting off in that impressively fast postictal way. He’s asleep before Seungmin returns.
Hyunjin gently replaces the pillow, and Felix subconsciously cuddles into the softer fabric. Then the comforter is wrapped around him and Hyunjin takes a seat in the armchair, too pumped full of adrenaline to go back to sleep anyway.
-
The next time Hyunjin is roused from sleep, it’s to a weight. Even in his half-asleep state, he recognizes the feeling of Felix against him. He must’ve woken up at some point and moved to Hyunjin’s lap, chests pressed together and head resting on Hyunjin’s shoulder, the comforter wrapped around them both.
Hyunjin smells coffee from the kitchen and feels how tired he is, but it can’t be anything compared to how Felix feels. There’s a groan against his collarbone and Felix lifts his head, squirming in Hyunjin’s lap. He moves like it hurts, sitting sideways on Hyunjin instead to relieve the pressure on his legs. His face finds its way back to Hyunjin’s neck, his hair tickling Hyunjin’s skin.
“How do you feel?” Hyunjin asks. Just then, Seungmin comes from the kitchen with coffee in hand, quietly handing it over. Hyunjin takes a grateful sip while waiting for Felix to gather his thoughts. He’s mentally tired as well after seizures.
“I had a seizure?” Felix says, half-questioning. It isn’t surprising that he doesn’t remember it clearly. His memories tend to be hazy from the moment the aura hits. He probably remembers snippets but asking him about it would only cause more confusion.
“A pretty bad one.” Hyunjin confirms. It isn’t the worst he’s seen, but he won’t minimize it either. Felix nods and hums, quiet for another moment before he gathers the energy to talk.
“That explains the headache.” Felix mumbles. Suddenly it makes sense that he’s trying so hard to burrow into Hyunjin’s neck; he’s trying to escape the morning sun. Hyunjin’s hand automatically moves to his neck, massaging the overused muscles there.
“You can go back to sleep.” Hyunjin says, and Felix doesn’t need to be told twice.