Chapter Text
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Oh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you
Oh, I don't love you, but I always will...
-- "Poison & Wine" - The Civil Wars
---
"I hope that someday you and I can be friends..."
Friends...
Easier said than done. It didn't take Maggie long to realize that.
The first few weeks after that night were far from smooth. Maggie realized all too quickly how ignorant she had been to think that Alex would be back to herself around her. Back to the Alex that was a little snarky and occasionally over-eager and who smiled. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
Instead of their regular banter, mixed in were snide remarks and passive aggression. Maggie took it smiling, even though the words went straight to her heart like daggers. This was on her. She had wanted to still be friends, she had pushed it, she had been the one unwilling to even give Alex space. She had hurt Alex, so she should be able to take getting hurt a bit back. Somehow that reminder didn't always make her feel better, didn't soothe the ache she felt to hear those callous words come from Alex's mouth.
This night was no different.
The whole gang is here, the one Alex has let her into, gathered around a pool table. As much as Maggie wishes it was a step forward, it feels more like a way to keep her at arms length, create a buffer for them having to be alone in the same room and not talk about all that transpired. Maggie gets it, she accepts it, whatever makes this easier for Alex, but at the same time, Maggie hates that it gives an audience to witness what happens after Alex has had a few too many fingers of whiskey.
Maggie doesn't know how many drinks Alex has had, but her eyes are getting glassy and her pool shots a little unsteady.
"Is it just me or is that waitress giving us attitude?" Winn wonders, after having tried to flag Darla down for the last 20 minutes.
"It's probably cause her heart's sitting in Sawyer's trophy case," Alex remarkes snidely from across the pool table. "You must have quite the collection by now," she adds as she leans down and sinks the 8 ball, still winning easily despite her intoxication.
Maggie takes a deep breath, biting her tongue. "Well played, Danvers."
"Come on, Sawyer," Alex quips. "We all know who the real player is."
Maggie feels like her face is on fire. She knows everyone is looking from Alex to her and back, analyzing the tension and waiting for a reaction. All but Kara, who Maggie is surprised to find is flashing her a look of what is surely sympathy.
"Well! Next round is on me," Winn announces awkwardly. "...mainly because I want to excuse myself from this extremely uncomfortable... friendly banter. What's everyone having? Shots? Shots? I think we need shots."
Alex doesn't even look up to regard Maggie, simply moves to re-rack the balls for another game, like nothing is at all the matter.
"How 'bout some cheap ones?" Maggie tells Winn. "Seems to be what's going around tonight."
Maggie ignores the look that passes between Winn and James. It's not her job to explain.
"Great!" Winn exclaims overeagerly. "Shots it is."
"I'll come with you," James adds, before the two head for the bar.
"Who's my next victim?" Alex asks, finally looking up. Maggie, Kara, and Mike exchange glances, and Maggie sees Kara finally nudge Mike in the arm.
"Guess I'm up!" Mike answers, and Maggie feels relieved.
A moment later, Winn and James return with shots in hand, each carrying 3, and offer them up to the others.
Maggie takes one immediately from Winn's hand, as Winn tries to offer her a lime, and throws it back before he can get his words out.
Winn looks impressed. "Oh, okay, well then. Anyone else?"
Alex strides over and reaches out for one just as Kara interjects.
"I think Alex is good," Kara says, giving Winn a look.
"Right, these two are both for me." Winn puts one shot glass to his lips and chokes it down.
"Oh, come on, lay up," Alex replies, taking the other shot glass from Winn and throwing it back before anyone can stop her. "I don't need a chaperone, guys."
---
She's wrong about that. An hour later, Alex is slurring her words and stumbling. The boys have said their awkward goodbyes, and it's just Maggie and Kara standing just outside the bar with a very inebriated Alex Danvers.
"It's ok, I've got her," Kara insists to Maggie, but Maggie just doesn't feel good taking off with Alex in this state. Maggie's surely the one to blame for all of this, and it hurts to see Alex doing this to herself.
Maggie had assumed what Alex felt was just a simple crush, that Alex would have fallen for the first lesbian she encountered, but it became clear that day in the parking garage that it maybe wasn't so fleeting. These last few weeks had confirmed that.
"Why don't I drive you guys? I have the squad car tonight."
"Really, we'll be okay." Kara has her arm around Alex's back and she's handling her better than Maggie would have expected. Still, Maggie knows their only ride is Alex's bike, which even if Kara does know how to handle a Ducati, it's less than ideal with a drunk passenger.
Maggie pleads with her eyes to Kara to let her help, and finally, Kara relents. Kara leads Alex towards Maggie's car and opens up the backseat. Alex suddenly looks more aware.
"Did you guys call the cops on me?" Alex asks with a frown, her brow furrowed.
Kara plops Alex down in the backseat and crawls into the passenger seat up front. Maggie comes around the front and gets into the driver side.
---
It's been nearly ten minutes of impenetrable silence. Maggie doesn't have a clue what to say to Kara, who up until tonight had always looked at Maggie like she'd eviscerate her if she could, like her presence at these get togethers was merely tolerated.
Maggie glances in her rear view mirror and sees Alex slumped against the car door, eyes closed, asleep. She looks peaceful. There's a piece of auburn hair that's fallen in front of her face. Maggie feels the urge well up to brush it out of Alex's face, and she's glad that she is too far away to do something so imprudent.
"Alex tells me you're from Nebraska." Kara's voice breaks the silence and it startles Maggie out of her thoughts.
Maggie fidgets awkwardly, suddenly aware that the silence wasn't all that bad. Nebraska. That's clearly not the only thing Alex has told Kara if the conversation got all the way to Nebraska. Maggie cringes wondering if Kara knows all the details, all the things that were said, all that had occurred between them. Maggie feels disappointed that things between her and Alex aren't so sacrosanct anymore. It isn't just theirs now.
"She tells you a lot, doesn't she?" Maggie replies.
"We're sisters," Kara offers up like an apology.
Maggie nods. She doesn't know what that's like. Her little brother is five years younger, and he was still a bratty kid when she left Blue Springs. She doesn't go back often, but every time she does, she learns he's gotten himself into more and more trouble. Maggie's glad she's not a cop back there because she's sure she would have had to slap handcuffs on her little brother more than once by now.
"Nebraska's nice. All those grassy plains," Kara continues.
Maggie looks up, surprised. "You've been?"
"Just...flown over."
"Yeah, not much there. It's good people though. Solid, hard-working, good people," Maggie explains. "Just wasn't always easy for someone who's...different," she adds with a tinge of sadness. "People treated me like I was from another planet."
"I know the feeling," Kara sympathizes.
Maggie's brow furrows, confused. Kara seems like the last person to not fit in somewhere. She looks just like the girl next door, and it's pretty clear every friend of hers wishes they were more than that.
"I just...being adopted, you know," Kara tries to explain. "Alex didn't tell you?"
"She did. I just assumed it was when you were a baby."
"Nope. I was 12."
"Oh," Maggie whispers somberly, and she realizes maybe her assumptions about the younger Danvers were miscalculated.
"My mom and dad, they died...So there I was, awkward pre-teen in a new place in a new house in a new bed, going to a new school with new kids, having a new sister, who all looked at me like I was some sort of...
"Alien," Maggie finished for her.
Kara nods. "So I get it."
Maggie's eyes narrow. "What do you mean?"
"It's not always easy for those of us who always felt like outsiders to put ourselves out there. To take chances. I know I run the other way."
Maggie realizes Kara is talking about Alex now, that she just perfectly segued into this, and Maggie realizes she's probably been underestimating this Danvers too, like she once did with Alex. They might not be blood but they clearly both inherited the same brash forwardness of speaking their mind. Lesson learned again, she thinks.
Maggie glances over at Kara who is looking at her expectantly. "That's not it," she insists.
"Okay." Kara nods, even though Maggie can tell she's not buying it.
"It's the next one on the right," Kara says, pointing ahead to Alex's apartment building.
Maggie pulls the car over to the side of the road just in front of the entrance and parks. Kara gets out and moves to the backseat to start extricating Alex. Maggie comes around the back, reaching out to give Kara a hand.
"Here, let me help you."
Alex stirs as they pull her to her feet. Her eyes are still glazed over, and Maggie can see her trying to figure out where they are now. Alex takes a step and her ankle gives, and Maggie and Kara both reach for her.
Maggie finds her arms around Alex, Alex's body leaning into hers. Maggie can feel the warmth coming from her, her fingers catching a graze of the bare skin at the small of her back where her shirt has ridden up. It's the closest they've been by a long shot since that night in the bar. Maggie wishes her body wouldn't react the way it does, but she can feel the closeness send a current through her. Alex looks up at Maggie, her brown eyes a little bloodshot, her cheeks flushed, her lips...
"Thought I wasn't your type," Alex interrupts, pushing Maggie off her before stumbling forward, Kara catching her.
Maggie lets out the breath she didn't realize she had been holding and reaches her hand up to push the hair from her face. She feels her stomach knot up.
"I'd say that's my cue," Maggie announces sadly.
Kara's gaze finds Maggie and she mouths, "I'm sorry."
Alex pushes off Kara's help now, and Kara lets her continue on her own towards the front door.
"Don't be." Maggie replies. "I think I earned this."
Kara frowns. "Whatever it is, Maggie...," she starts. "Alex, she has a big heart."
Maggie nods. It's what she loves about Alex. It's why this hurts so much. Why it kills her to see her like this. "I know."
"I don't want it to get broken any more than it has," Kara says firmly.
Maggie looks away and fights off the tears welling up in her eyes. She clenches her jaw to keep them away. Finally, she turns back to Kara.
"I'm glad she has you."