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Ivan should have known this was going to happen. His destiny was pretty much decided when his eyes landed on the teal ones. From that moment on, every second was just him getting closer to this ending.
He had been stifling a cough for the whole day as the classes went on, and when he got back home and thought about Till like he had always done, this time his body split in two.
His hands went to his mouth, coughing into it. After the first few coughs he was pressing on his mouth to quiet the sound coming from it in order to not alert his parents.
He was afraid of their reaction more than he was afraid of his current predicament. He gagged when he felt the intruding object in his throat, trying to get out. Ivan almost put his hand in to pull the thing before another heavy cough landed the petal in his hands.
Ivan had coughed up a petal. The petal stained in his saliva looked disgusting from up above. The color underneath reminded him of a certain someone.
This was the inevitable future of him, Hanahaki Disease. A disease born from unrequited love, his lungs coughing, from petals to full-on flowers until the day he would die.
Ivan put strength to his knees to get up and found himself wobbling. One of his hands held the petal preciously while the other took help from the ground. He went to use his bathroom for both himself and to clean the saliva from the petal.
His eyes scrutinized the petal, trying to dissect which flower it would turn out to be. He had read the flowers would either end up being similar to the owner of the reason or the meaning would detail them. For now, the color gave away the answer would be the former.
Ivan smiled with a crinkle in his eyes and got a notebook to memorize the petal.
———
The petals didn't have a clear schedule. Sometimes Till would go on and on about Mizi and his lungs would be totally fine. And sometimes only catching a glimpse of Till was enough for them to try and come out.
Ivan thought he was discreet enough to not get any attention to himself for the matter. Nobody really paid him any mind when he quickly but steadily got up from his seat to go to the bathroom to choke up the pretty almost teal petals.
The truth was, he could have acted frantic and nobody would look at him twice. His hasty manners would raise some heads but that would be it. Sure, there were some girls and some of the occasional boys who paid him too much interest because of his looks, but even they wouldn't really care about the core reason.
People were interested in Ivan because of his looks and grades. Hell, his parents’ only expectations were those. Nobody cared if Ivan was coughing his lungs out because of a boy.
Because of Till.
Ivan was in love with Till. This had been a fact ever since his parents moved to Till’s neighborhood and they came to know each other. It would be hard not to love him. The boy was his light, the stars in his black night sky.
Ivan had loved him quietly for years. Thus why he had been ready for when the flowers would start to bloom. Ivan wasn't sure what the trigger had been but he concluded his time was up.
His life being given a timer only made Ivan want to appreciate the other boy even more. He would search the hallways for him, stare at him in classes and annoy him in breaks.
It wasn't a problem if the prolonged eye contacts or fleeting touches made it harder to hide a cough. So long as it meant Till would be at his side, Ivan didn't care.
Some coughs slipped from him at times. When Till would look at him and smile, rendering Ivan speechless. Or when Till didn't immediately shake off his touch. They were never enough to reveal the petals. Ivan promised himself that the petals would be a secret only to himself.
But the coughing was caught on by people near him. Till's smile would dissipate and he would frown. Mizi would ask him if he needed any water or if he was feeling sick. Even Sua commented he should go see a doctor if he was going to be coughing so much.
Ivan would laugh in response and affirm he was fine. There wasn't a need for them to know. It would only make things complicated.
———
Swallowing became a tough job after two weeks. The petals had increased in numbers and some of them were even coming in full flowers. A quick photo search from the web had pointed out they were Jade Vines.
Their color was an unusual turquoise-green color. With the right lighting, they matched his eyes. Holding them in his hands always got a smile from Ivan.
Thankfully, neither the flowers were big nor the numbered stems were sharp. Ivan thought he could've had it worse as he only struggled with the intense tickling in his throat.
“Dude, you know you don't have to come to school when you're sick, right?” Till said as he slid beside him on his desk.
Ivan had been making an effort in make-up ever since Till first made a comment about his sickly appearance because he didn't want to pointlessly stress him but it seemed today was a fail.
“But then how will I see you?” Ivan teased, knowing it would annoy the other guy.
“Ugh, you don't have to fucking see me.” Till made a disgusted face but even through his scowl, Ivan could hear the softness of his next words. “Go home and rest up.”
The almost worry crinkled Ivan's eyes in delight. “If you want me to rest up then sleep next to me.”
“Shut up, the hell I'm doing that!” Till rejected fervently. His red ears looked edible, so Ivan lifted up his fingers to play around with them. Till froze for a second before growing even redder and slapping his hand away.
“Sorry for fucking thinking about your well-being.”
Ivan watched with a smile in his eyes as Till disregarded him and directed his attention to his notebook.
Ah. There was a doodle of Mizi.
The cough left his mouth without permission and he covered it with his hands immediately, preventing any more from coming out. Ivan hastily took his gaze away from the chibi of Mizi and returned his attention to his own notebook.
He didn't see the way Till perked up at the sound with increasing worry.
———
Ivan.. didn't want to get out of the bed. He felt tired. He hadn't done anything to exert his limbs but they were feeling unimaginably heavy. His throat was a matter he didn't even want to think about.
He had coughed up a full Jade Vines last night. Numerous flowers in one stem. He didn't even know how his lungs had conjured up such a thing.
There was blood, too. The stems weren't prickly like some other flowers but the constant coughing, the full Jade Vine trying to get out of his narrow airway had resulted in his bathroom floors getting dirtied up.
His throat felt sore. Ivan wondered if he had injured his airways somehow and that was how he was going to die instead of his lungs being taken over by evil Jade Vines.
Ivan probably didn't have much long to live. He had thought he could last another week or so but the night made up his mind on the fact the time had swindled down by far more.
The fact alone made him try and stand up on his weak legs. He couldn't stay in bed no matter how much his body desired for it. He had to get out and go knock on Till's door to annoy him. If only for the last time.
He slowly went through his morning routine. His feet dodged the still messy floor and he examined the inside of his mouth as he brushed his teeth. When he went downstairs and tried to greet his mother, he found himself unable to do so.
“—” The pain flared up in his overworked throat. He tried to take deep breaths and swallow the pain but the residue of it remained even as he picked up a glass of water and downed it.
“Look at you. One would think we never feed you or let you have a sip of water. Where are your manners, Ivan?” His mother said as she noticed his presence. Ivan bowed his head down in a robotic manner and forced the words out of his mouth.
“Good morning, mother.” Every syllable was like a needle stabbing his voicebox. Ivan had to fist his hands and press his nails to the palm of his hands to subside the pain.
“Ungrateful brat.” His mother talked in a tone meant she was talking to herself but also letting him know she was unsatisfied with him. Ivan could only lower his head down more in apology and retreat out of the house quietly. There was no use reporting where he was going since there was no need for him today.
His feet followed the path engraved in his heart, letting go of the stress of his home. He hoped today would be the last day. Maybe when he knocked on the door and saw Till's face, he would cough up one last time and die.
Ivan never had long life plans. He never had imagined his life past 20. There wasn't much life to imagine under his adoptive parents. Everything was up to them and every decision was made by them. Ivan was only an observer to his own life.
Realizing this fact at an early age had made Ivan resolved in mind and heart, he would not live long. He didn't see much point to living. What was the purpose of it anyway? Why was he alive in the first place? He wished he could stop inhabiting this body so that his parents could finally be content with their son who would only follow their order.
Contrary to his belief, Ivan had feared dying. He could never go out of his way to make it happen. He had attempted once or twice in the past but all of them ended up with him staring at the walls with no thoughts in mind, only red streaks on his arms, no blood in sight.
But this opportunity allowed him to simply achieve his goals by existing. In some way, the disease was still self-inflicted. But it wasn't something he could take back or go gentler at the last second out of fear.
He would never stop loving Till.
Ivan had to admit, he had even started dreaming for a future when he met Till. It wasn't a clearly constructed one like his parents but it was a future, regardless. A one with Till in it. Only Till.
Haha, maybe he really was obsessed as Sua said.
Even the chuckle wouldn't leave travel up. It was as if his airway had put an under construction sign and was blocking any sound from producing.
His hands knocked on the door and in less than a minute it was opened by Io. The woman smiled brightly upon seeing him and beckoned him inside.
“Oh, Ivan! It's such a nice surprise to see you this early, come in. Till's in his room.” She said warmly and Ivan felt grateful for a second for she was a nice woman who wouldn't mind him not answering verbally. He smiled back at her and waved. She was content with that if a little bit confused. Unlike his own mother.
Ivan passed Io and walked to the instructed room. He didn't bother knocking, gaining whine from Till.
“Mooom! I told you to knock on the door before coming in!” Till scrambled to close his open notebook, leaning his body to hide away the contents.
Ivan didn't respond. He got on the bed and laid down next to Till without permission. Till looked up to see him coming and groaned even more.
“Oh my god! Of course, it's you.” As Till rolled his eyes, Ivan smiled wide. His hands went to the treasured notebook from both curiosity and a desire to elicit reaction from the other boy.
“Stop! Stop it!” Till swatted away at his hands. He secured the notebook in his arms and got up from the bed clumsily. The sheer determination to keep Ivan away from the notebook startled him. Was Till hiding an entry like, how to confess to Mizi step by step?
A moment of silence passed on before Till threw the notebook on his desk and sat back on the bed. His eyes were hard as he stared at Ivan. If he still could talk freely Ivan would have made a suggestive comment on it but because he couldn't Ivan felt like he had to change positions as he sat up as well.
“You didn't see a doctor, did you?” His accusatory tone made Ivan flinch slightly. “Why do you have to be so stubborn about it, Ivan? Fucking go see a doctor already, you look half dead.”
With the words, Till leaned forward, his hand going up to Ivan's forehead. The gesture purely made to see Ivan's body heat, resulted in something much worse.
Ivan heaved. His time was up. He tried to look as long as he could into the teal eyes as the coughing started. Till looked startled and his eyes creased in.. worry?
But Ivan could no longer hold the flowers within him.
Till panicked, not knowing what to do as Ivan struggled to breathe and pushed and coughed and pushed more, coughed more.
“W-what’s going on? Are you okay? Should I get you water? Wait here, I'll be fast!” Before Till could spring up, Ivan used a heavy amount of will to lock his hand to his wrist. His hold both locked Till there and took support from him.
“What's going on, Ivan? Please tell me, what can I do? What can I do?” Till's voice started becoming wobbly as the coughings went on.
From inside him, a desperate voice wanted to call out, love me. Please, love me. Care about me. It doesn't have to be the same way. Just look at me. See me. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm still alive.
Till's free hand went to his back, massaging softly, afraid of giving further pain. When Ivan coughed up the last bit of the Jade Vein, Till's hand stilled.
“This— This is…” Ivan didn't have to look up and see to know there were tears in Till's eyes.
As Ivan struggled to keep himself up, eyes shutting in a desire for rest, Till supported him. Their already close bodies ended up in an awkward hug with Ivan's head resting on Till's chest as both of them sat on Till's bed.
Only, there was a flower sitting between them. Bloody and disgusting.
“Ivan, what is this?” Till's voice couldn't hold down a steady octave. His breathing was ragged from the silent tears and the panic he just lived through. “Ivan..”
“H-” Ivan tried to answer for it was Till, but his body wasn't listening to his commands.
“Hanahaki? T-this is Hanahaki, right? So you had, what, Hanahaki all along?” Till laughed hysterically. “You've been coughing flowers, flowers that, that would result in death, a-and you didn't even go to a doctor? Didn't tell anyone?”
Ivan closed his eyes harshly, Till's hurt tone was making him upset and he leaned closer to the chest in front of him. Why was Till panicking so much about this? Ivan had been sure Till wouldn't care at all.
“You're fucking crazy.” Till's hands on him turned into a grip. “Psychopath.” Harsher. “Asshole.” And harsher. “You were dying and didn't tell anyone?” Ah, now Till was starting to cry loudly.
Ivan didn't know how to comfort others and more than often he would bully Till when the boy felt dispirited. With no voice to his name, he could only take a page from other's books as he lifted one hand to hold onto Till. He didn't understand why hugging was deemed comforting for others when it ended up being comforting to Ivan himself.
Feeling the touch, instead of backing away as usual, Till pressed himself more. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”
Now, why was Till apologizing? Ivan was seriously so bad at this.
“I knew something was up.” His tone came out accusatory but Ivan didn't feel the accusation was for him this time. “It's my fault. It's all my fault.” The tears wetted his shirt as Till went on. “I'm sorry.”
Ivan wanted to say no. He wanted to refute every claim uttered by the boy he loved so much, but his voice was too weak to say anything. Ivan shaked his head in distress.
“Who.. who is it?” Till sniffled, voice growing quieter. He didn't repeat himself or ask any more, letting there be silence between them for Ivan to respond.
Ivan dreaded that silence. He was selfish enough to wish Till would continue crying so no answer would be expected from him.
It went on before Till prompted again.
“Like it or not. I'm going to help. So, tell me who it is.” His words started determined before ending in a slightly upset tone. Ivan couldn't comprehend the meaning behind it with his muddled mind as he bit on his lip to gain courage.
“...you.”
“Huh? Sorry, I couldn't hear you.” Till gently positioned his ear next to Ivan's mouth. Ivan could sniff the shampoo Till used with the proximity, it drove him insane.
Ivan decided, fuck it. Might be the last chance to say it. And forced his throat to work out the words.
“I love you.”
The words weren't perfect. They weren't said in a crystal clear tone nor were they said in a romantic scene. Ivan had imagined many times he would say them but none of them had been in such positions as was now.
Till's body stiffened above him. Ivan could feel the other's breath getting stuck as he felt no warm air to his neck for a second or two or three.
Till gulped loudly in the quiet room before asking.
“You love me?”
Ivan resorted to nodding. He guessed his next attack would be pretty soon and that would be the end of his relatively short life. It was nice going out being hugged by Till, though.
“You have Hanahaki because you love me?”
Till almost sounded ridiculed. He hadn't seemed to be upset by the occasional boys liking Ivan but perhaps Ivan liking him was the line he drew and he was now disgusted.
Suddenly, Ivan was out of the hug. He would determine his previous thoughts were to be true if it weren't for the fact Till's hands went up to cradle his cheeks.
Till's eyes were damp from the tears but they shined with something soft now. His lips were pulled into a thin smile, as well.
See, Ivan knew Till wouldn't care. Because nobody ever did.
“You're so dumb.”
Ivan tried to smile back to match Till's. But the hurt in his heart, the ache, stopped him from it.
“Who would've thought the Ivan would get Hanahaki Disease for me?” If the stab to his heart could be made worse, Till snickered.
Now, there was a smile forming on Ivan's lips, if only to laugh at his stupidness. Yes, of course Ivan was going to fall in love with Till. The one boy he could never have.
Before he could lose himself in the pain, his vision blurred and softness met his lips. Ivan's eyes widened as Till kissed him.. Till kissed him? Was this to ridicule Ivan?
But the Till who drew back and now was looking at him seemed so,, so.. so?
“You should've talked to me sooner, idiot.” Even the name calling sounded soft from Till's mouth. His eyes were drawn in such, such, worried state, Ivan couldn't take it.
Why was Till looking at him as if he cared? What was going on? Since when did Till care?
To his bewildered reaction, Till's smile dropped and his lips pressed into a worried line. (Worried?)
“I love you, Ivan.”
H-
Huh?
Huh? What?
Till… loves me?
Suddenly, Ivan involuntarily took a large breath. His chest hurt from the expansion but his body also felt lighter with it.
Hanahaki Disease was curable by requited love. And Till had just confessed. This… this easy breathing meant it was genuine?
Ivan looked into Till's eyes to search for the answers and realized something very quickly.
Oh, he's seeing me.
“B-” His throat burned. The aftereffects seemed to be still in place even with the root of the problem gone. “Mizi?” He struggled out the word, hoping to convey his confusion, wonder, hope.
Till looked at him funny for a second before looking upset. “You thought I was still going after her?” If Ivan could dare to let himself dream, he would say Till was feeling guilty. “That's why you didn't say anything?”
Ivan took a moment to consider before nodding. Perhaps, he would have confessed if Mizi wasn't in the picture. But she had been, and his priority was ensuring Till's happiness before anything else.
“God, fuck…” Till sighed. “No, no, I.. I stopped that when she came out to me a few years back. And I can see she's happy with Sua. My interest in her has turned into one of friendship for a long time now.”
That caught Ivan off guard. All this time he had imagined Till confessing to Mizi one day. Maybe helping him through the heart break, or letting him fall for someone new. He hadn't imagined the issue had solved itself years before he knew.
Till's face started to flush looking at Ivan before he finally decided to let out the next words from his mouth.
“I-I’ve.. I've actually been—” He munched on his lip for a second before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “I've actually been crushing on you for the past year or so.”
Ivan's mouth drops.
What?
“Don't look at me like that! I even thought I was being too obvious! I mean, you always teased me so much, I thought you already knew..”
He hadn't know! Ivan really hadn't know!
“Stop looking like that!” Till tried to push Ivan's face away with one of his hands while the other covered his reddened face. But the sight only made Ivan want to inch closer and study every corner of Till who had inexplicably fallen in love with Ivan.
“What are you doing?! Ivan!”