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People will tell you – no, Ravi, Ravi will tell you – that the worst thing in the world is being a probie in the firehouse. But for Harry it’s genuinely the happiest he felt since he was a boy.
Ever since he was a scrawny ten-year-old – who’d run from school in order to spend more time with Bobby – one of the few places that genuinely brought him joy was the engine bay. The smell of smoke still clinging to the turnouts after firefighters return from the call or the smell of food cooking up at the loft in portions so huge that it could feed an entire block.
Harry spend one of his favourite Christmases here at the station.
He was saved more times than he could count by everyone at the 118. And yes, that included the time he was abducted during the blackout.
The station was a place where he found friends while his mom and dad were getting divorced, and when everything felt a little too much for a ten-year-old kid.
The station was a place his mom met Bobby.
The station was a place where his family gained so much new members that at this point he wondered if the teachers in school knew what drawing a family tree actually meant in the real world. Because families were never as simple as mom, dad and siblings.
And if Harry ever tried to draw one the tree would be bigger than Yggdrasil. There would be branches, people, gods and different worlds where he met all the amazing people in his life – and, where he lost some of them.
The station was also a place of mourning and grief.
After Bobby died everything changed.
People grew up.
People left.
New people came into their lives and bit by bit the awful cloud of misery covering the station started clearing itself. It didn’t happen at once and in a blink of an eye, it was a slow and an excruciating process.
But change sometimes felt like that.
Because they were going towards something new and great.
So no, Harry doesn’t consider being a probie in a place he calls home the worst thing that happened to him.
And yes, Buck might’ve tried to almost poison him with a pie when he ‘’accidentally’’ put salt instead of sugar in it.
And yes, he had that little brawl with Ravi about May all those months ago.
And yes, someone from B shift left half of the toilets completely unusable after finishing the shift but no, Harry didn’t regret the fact that he chose to follow his family’s footsteps.
So, when his entire family – extended included – didn’t have anyone to take care of Theo during one of their half day shifts he immediately volunteered as probie. It wasn’t necessarily a probie thing to do but considering the chaos they had with emergencies for the past two weeks and more firefighters they could count on call but all the daycares closed and people all over the place he offered to babysit the newest member of his family.
This wasn’t the first time too because Theo loved spending time with Harry – even though those times usually included Denny and Christopher and Theo watching the three of them play games that were too uncensored for his little toddler brain.
This time though it was just the two of them in Buck’s house.
With Buck’s clipboard and Theo’s schedule on it.
With snacks and meals properly labelled in the fridge and everything.
So, Harry didn’t have the issue of taking care of Theo because Buck already handled everything. Harry just had to try and keep the boy alive and out of ovens, washing machines and far far away from Buck’s outside gym equipment until Buck and Eddie get home.
What Harry didn’t expect was the bomb that Theo decided to detonate in the middle of the afternoon, barely an hour before Buck and Eddie were scheduled to get back from work.
‘’Buck loves Eddie?’’ Harry almost yells in disbelief at the four-year-old sitting next to him, calmly peeling a Jaffa cake – first he nibbles the chocolaty biscuit edge off, licks the remaining chocolate of the Jello part then pops the remaining thing into his mouth.
Harry is amazed and disturbed at the same time.
Theo nods. ‘’Yeah.’’
‘’And how do you know that?’’ Harry takes one of the wet wipes and wipes Theo’s fingers from chocolate.
Theo shrugs his shoulders. ‘’Buck told me,’’ he says simply.
‘’Buck told you?’’ Harry asks in disbelief.
‘’Yeah.’’
‘’And you didn’t tell Eddie about it?’’
Harry is suspicious. Theo is the least reliable guy in the entire universe. Hell, Chim and Jee are better at keeping secrets than Theo. Chim waits approximately five minutes before he yaps out everything – Theo lasts barely a second.
But Theo shakes his head.
‘’Why? You hate keeping secrets,’’ Harry asks carefully giving Theo another Jaffa cake.
But Theo doesn’t eat it, just twists it in his hands looking at it.
He sighs. ‘’Because I love Eddie too. And I don’t want him to leave.’’
Harry’s heart stops. He knows Buck has said it before, few weeks ago actually. How every time he tells Theo that he loves him or talks about Connor and Kameron loving him Theo would close up and wouldn’t talk about it.
He would let Buck talk about it but won’t offer anything in response.
The therapist said that he’s probably still processing everything and that only the time will tell how they’ll proceed with it.
But the boy didn’t even say ‘I love’ in the most basic sense of the phrase – like, I love cookies or I love green beans.
Okay, nobody loves green beans but you know what I’m getting at?
Theo simply avoided the term ‘I love you’ and neither Buck nor Eddie knew what to do with it.
So, yes. Harry’s heart not just stopped by the admission but he had a sudden urge to put Theo in his pocket and never let anything bad ever happen to him again.
Because Theo was his father’s son and it all made sense.
Harry swallows a lump in his throat and continues. ‘’What?’’
Theo leaves the Jaffa cake on the coffee table and takes the wet wipe to wipe the excess chocolate off, sighing. ‘’Everybody I love leaves. I don’t want that to happen to Eddie. And Buck,’’ he adds quietly.
‘’Buddy, who has told you… You’re … Nobody is leaving because of you,’’ Harry is suddenly unable to find the right words.
‘’Mommy and daddy did. I loved them so much and they left,’’ Theo says defeated, his eyes pooling with tears.
Harry offers his palm up and Theo puts his hand in it. Harry squeezes it once. ‘’I know buddy… That was… So sad. But that’s not the rule you know? That you can’t tell the people you love them. You can tell them without being afraid of them leaving.’’
‘’And they won’t ever leave?’’ Theo sniffles and rubs one of his eyes.
‘’Sometimes they leave. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. Nor that it’s your fault,’’ Harry says carefully.
Theo looks up at Harry and he can see every inch of boy’s face that reminds him of Buck.
‘’Oh, it wasn’t my fault?’’ Theo asks filled with something that sounds a lot like hope.
‘’No, why would you think that?’’ Harry asks scandalized.
Theo shrugs his shoulders and Harry picks him up and cuddles him in his lap.
‘’Buck doesn’t want to tell Eddie he loves him?’’ Harry quietly asks into Theo’s hair.
Theo shakes his head. Harry continues. ‘’Because he’s scared that Eddie will leave him too?’’
Theo nods.
Harry takes a deep breath letting Theo play with his smart watch.
‘’You know, I have known Buck for most of my life. I was a little older than you when we first met and most of the time he’s really wrong about dealing with emotions.’’
Theo lifts his head to look at Harry and Harry playfully scoffs.
‘’Oh yeah, you don’t know the half of it. He thinks he doesn’t deserve love yet he keeps loving all of us in quiet. And we all know that. But the kind of love he has for Eddie, it’s different. Right?’’
Theo nods. ‘’Mhm, I love Eddie like my Eddie. But Buck loves Eddie like mommy loved daddy.’’
Theo looks around the room for a second then leans on Harry’s chest, sighs and continues. ‘’Buck told me that it’s okay to tell people you love them. He tells me that all the time.’’
‘’Did you tell him how you feel about people leaving?’’ Harry asks.
Theo shakes his head but doesn’t answer verbally.
‘’Because you’re afraid that Buck will leave too?’’
Theo nods again, his eyes pooling with tears. Harry hugs him closer.
‘’Oh, honey. Buck will fight everyone who dares to take you away or take him away from you. You know that, right?’’
Few tears slip past Theo’s eyes as his chin wobbles.
‘’Doesn’t he always listen to your fun facts about soccer and marine documentaries?’’
Theo nods. ‘’A-and he knows so much about it! H-he always listens to m-me!’’ He hiccups.
‘’And he makes you those awful protein cookies just because you like them even though they taste like feet,’’ Harry tickles him and Theo giggles.
‘’Eddie likes them too!’’
‘’Fork found in kitchen,’’ Harry mumbles then clears his throat when Theo scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. ‘’Anyway, he also warms up your socks before going to bed because he knows you run cold at night, right?’’
‘’Yeah, the Spiderman ones I love!’’
Harry wipes the tear streaks on Theo’s cheek and offers a small smile. ‘’Buck loves you honey. Your parents loved … love you Theo. Wherever they are they’ll always love you. They might not physically be here,’’ Harry points to the room around them. ‘’But they are always here,’’ and then puts his hand over Theo’s heart.
‘’You know, I have two dads too?’’
Theo’s face lightens up. Harry fishes his phone out of pocket and shows Theo his display – May’s graduation family photo, one of the first ones they took as a family with Bobby.
‘’Well, actually three dads if we’re being technical. You know May and my mom, but this is Michael – my dad dad,’’ Harry points at Michael in the photo.
‘’Like Buck is mine?’’ Theo asks.
‘’Something like that. He also has a husband – David,’’ Harry swipes to his gallery and finds the selfie his dad sent this morning of him and David in their backyard. ‘’They live in Florida now, they are happy.’’
‘’Is this Bobby?’’ Theo suddenly asks swiping at the group photo on the screen.
Harry is halfway through a sob when he clears his throat.
‘’Yeah, that’s Bobby. He’s my third dad.’’
Theo takes the phone out of Harry’s hand and carefully continues looking at the photo.
‘’Buck told me he died,’’ Theo almost whispers.
‘’He did.’’
‘’But, isn’t he Buck’s dad too?’’ Theo scrunches his eyebrows thinking.
Harry takes another deep breath and tells Theo the truth he learned a long time ago.
‘’You know – there are families you are born into and the families you chose.’’
Theo lifts his head from the phone back at Harry and Harry can see the puzzles fitting together in Theo’s mind.
‘’Oh, and this is the family we chose?’’
‘’Yes. My mom chose Bobby and Bobby chose us, even though we weren’t his real kids. Bobby also chose Buck and Buck chose Bobby. It doesn’t matter if we’re biologically connected or not – we love each other anyway.’’
Theo looks at the photo of Bobby again and says quietly. ‘’So, Buck chose me?’’
‘’Buck chose you, Eddie and Christopher and he keeps choosing everyone before he even considers choosing himself because the last time someone chose him…’’
Theo draws his little finger over Bobby on the screen and finishes. ‘’Got smashed?’’
Harry half giggles half sobs as he kisses Theo on the top of his head. ‘’Yeah buddy, he got smashed.’’
‘’But he still loves him even if he’s not here.’’
‘’Mhm. And Bobby loves him too.’’
Theo considers everything for a minute then takes a deep breath. ‘’I love Buck very much.’’
‘’I know honey,’’ Harry’s heart aches.
‘’He should tell Eddie that he loves him,’’ Theo states as Harry scoffs.
‘’Amen brother.’’
Theo giggles but then furrows his eyebrows. ‘’I don’t want to be afraid. Eddie always tells me that it’s okay to be afraid but that sometimes talking about it makes it less scary.’’
‘’Eddie is really smart.’’
‘’I don’t want to be afraid and not tell Buck and Eddie how much I love them. They are the family I chose,’’ Theo suddenly says with the most certainty Harry has heard from anyone in his life as Theo turns on his lap and fully hugs Harry.
Harry returns a bear hug but Theo gasps and lifts his little head to look at Harry – suddenly amazed by something.
‘’Oh, if Bobby was yours and Buck’s dad and Buck is mine. Does that mean we’re brothers?’’
Harry smiles. ‘’You know what. Yes. It does mean that.’’
Theo covers his mouth in pure joy. ‘’I have an awesome older brother!’’
Harry tickles him. ‘’Don’t let Christopher hear you say that.’’
Theo giggles. ‘’He knows he comes first on the bestest brother’s list.’’
Harry mocks offense. ‘’Oh, okay. Now you’re hurting my feelings.’
Theo pokes him in the chest. ‘’Hey, Harry?’’
‘’Yes, Theo?’’ Harry teases him.
‘’Thank you for being my best big people brother.’’
‘’I’m honoured Theo. I love you so much.’’
Theo leans into his chest again and mumbles in his t-shirt. ‘’I love you too.’’
Harry doesn’t get to respond because the front door opens and Buck and Eddie are stop mid step in the doorway looking at them.
‘’Whoa, what happened?’’ Eddie carefully asks.
‘’Harry, is he crying? Explain to me why my child is crying right now?’’ Buck threatens.
Harry opens his mouth to say something but Theo wriggles out from his hug and runs across the room jumping into Eddie’s arms. Eddie catches him mid jump and Theo glues to Eddie’s middle with his little legs around Eddie’s waist.
He smashes Eddie’s cheeks between his hands and looks him directly into his eyes.
‘’I love you my Eddie,’’ he says without stuttering.
Eddie’s eyes swell with tears. ‘’I love you too buddy.’’
Theo then turns to Buck, half way jumping out from Eddie’s arms but still staying put. Harry wonders if the boy is genuinely Spiderman because his legs are still around Eddie’s waist where Eddie is holding him but his upper body is slammed over Buck’s big arms and he’s leaning on his chest looking Buck right in the eyes.
‘’Buck, I’m not afraid! I love you too!’’ He almost screams.
‘’Oh,’’ Buck barely manages because Theo doesn’t stop.
‘’I was afraid if I tell you I love you, you will leave. Like mommy and daddy did. But I can be brave. Even if you leave I will still love you and you will love me. Like Bobby loves you.’’
Eddie takes a sharp breath and looks at Buck who seems like he stopped breathing altogether – eyes still glued to Theo.
‘’You are so, so brave my little boy,’’ Buck’s voice breaks as he kisses Theo on his forehead. ‘’And I love you very much.’’
But then Theo leans closer on his chest and whispers. ‘’I think you need to be brave too.’’
Eddie hears it.
Harry hears it.
The squirrels in the backyard hear it.
Theo is not very subtle while whispering.
Buck gulps then throws a look at Eddie who is already smiling back at him, brushing Theo’s hair from his forehead.
Buck swallows loudly. ‘’I-I think I can be brave like you b-buddy.’’
‘’Really?’’ Theo tries whispering again but is looking between Buck and Eddie like he’s waiting for the exact moment for it to happen.
Eddie giggles then winks. ‘’I think both me and Buck are going to be really brave later today when you take your nap.’’
Theo gasps as he tries to get down to the floor. ‘’Okay! I’m tired!’’
He fakes yawning and rubbing his eyes, taking a peek after a second or two while everybody laughs.
‘’I’m sooooo sleeeepyyyy,’’ he says again.
Buck snorts and lifts a fist. ‘’You’re so bad at acting. Come on, first a snack then a nap. Deal?’’
‘’Deal,’’ Theo fist bumps back.
Buck and Eddie both take a deep breath at the same time and look at each other while Theo runs to the kitchen. Their eyes are shimmering and cheeks are blushed.
Harry can see the words forming the minute it crosses their minds.
Nope. Nope – his brain yells.
He stands up abruptly from the couch breaking the moment. ‘’Okay, and that is my cue to leave,’’ he looks around himself looking for his jacket and shoes. ‘’Before, you know. You two, don’t start,’’ he moves a finger between Buck and Eddie and makes a disgusted face. ‘’Doing things I can’t unsee because I already saw May and Ravi in…’’
He finally finds his shoes and puts them on in record speed. ‘’You know… Not that I don’t support you. Like, yay finally!’’ He puts his hands in the air mimicking cheering. ‘’It was a long time coming, just,’’ he’s at the door looking at Buck and Eddie then points a finger at them before he leaves. ‘’Just behave in public places!’’
He leaves and hears Buck and Eddie laughing their asses off as he closes the door.
Now, what will the others say when they hear Buck and Eddie got together because of me? – he thinks.
Oh, it’ll be glorious. Ravi owns Harry so so much for it.