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She had never fell for someone before the circus. She knew she wasn't aroace. There just wasn't anyone who knew enough about her for her to actually even want to be their friend. She wished she had friends. Or family who cared.
Being in the circus now, she wished she had stayed a loner. There was Ribbit and Kaufmo.. she fucked that up. Now Pomni too. Everybody was gone. She was utterly alone.
She had never had a long lasting friendship. Something always happened. They always pushed too far, got tired of her fakeness. And then they were gone like all the others.
She promised herself she wouldn't mess up her friendship with Pomni- that she would get out of the circus. That they would be together. That everything would be okay this time. But it wasn't.
Sometimes, with Pomni, she caught herself being less.. fake.. more true to herself. She tried to subtly be more herself. And then regretted it later. But still. She tried.
She bullied everyone for being able to express the emotions she wasn't. She hid behind that stupid smile just like her mom did.
When she first appeared in the circus, she realized it felt fake. So she could act real, at least around Ribbit. Yet, quickly, that turned into an opportunity to be fake.
The colors swirled around her head while she walked through the hall. This place is Grey and blank now that Caine is gone. Must be abstraction. She couldn't care less.
She sits against the wall. She can't tell if she's abstracted yet. So she sits and waits. She can almost feel the taunts of her mother. And the cries of her friends. Yet, she slowly realizes one of the cries is real. As real as something can be in here.
Pomni. Of course she'd be here.
"I don't wanna go"
She's back. Her glowing eyes slowly turned into regular ones. The fuzz in her brain slowly turned back into digital sentience.
For a beautiful minute, she thought she'd escaped. She thought she was back. Only to find herself back in this digital hellhole.
Everyone avoided her. They probably remembered her as she was. And she was quiet too. Thinking. People gave her space, but always watched from afar. No one trusted her on her own. It would be a shame to bring someone back, just to let them abstract agin
And yet, she tried. Her avatar had shoulder length, fluffy hair now. She doesn't remember if that had been conjured by her or caine, but it was there.
Oh yeah. And she came out. That happened. It felt better not having to pretend. And slowly, she came back.
And then, there was life. Everything stayed the same in the circus. Time didn't pass. And yet, she was able to find meaning in the digital world enough to enjoy it here.
And strangely, she feels at home in this place