Chapter Text
The electronic diary of Dr. Captain Ryland Grace.
[ - New Entry -] That’s really formal for what this is supposed to be. I felt like I needed to add some sort of…title. I feel compelled to add the date too, but I have no idea what it is. Diaries have dates usually, right? I doubt it matters. I don’t mean for anyone to ever see this, but everything I do here on Erid is “anthropology” these days. I can’t complain about it, of course I marvel at nearly everything my gracious hosts do or say, but it still feels strange being a representative of my entire species. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a bit of a disappointment in that regard.
Not that any of that matters anyway. The video diaries were nice to have on the ship, and I really miss being able to get thoughts out of my head. But I never felt like I could be honest on those things- I was recording the early ones to send home to people I didn’t remember at the time and after Rocky showed up- forget it, there’s nothing he can’t hear. And when I write, that meddlesome crag just reads the indentions of the pencil on the paper. So now I’m typing. Rocky hasn’t really looked at my computer since I gave him his own, so it feels safe.
I guess I’m wasting time explaining this. I think I should talk about my feelings or something. Actually, I guess I can use it for whatever I want and I have infinite paper because this is a computer. God, I hope no one reads this.
Lonely.
That’s the only feeling, really. I’m so mad at myself for it too. I guess mad counts, then. Lonely and mad. It’s so awful of me. After everything this wonderful planet has done for me, my ungrateful skin still aches at night as I clutch my arms, pretending my hands belong to someone else. I’ve tried everything. Sleeping on my arm so it would be numb, wearing a glove and holding my own hand. It doesn’t matter. I’m not even sure it's about the touch. I just wish I wasn’t alone.
I don’t have to clarify this because this is my diary, but I’ll feel like crap if I don’t- I’m not alone. There are no words I can think of to describe how thankful I am to have Rocky. He is and always will be my best friend. …I wonder what it would be like to touch him. I wonder if his rough texture would make my fingertips sore like scratchy pool lining. He’s already so warm in his suit, I’m sure he’d feel like a stone in the sunlight, like those big ones they used to have at the quarry back on Earth. Maybe I do miss the sun a little. Maybe I’m going crazy. [ - Log End - ]
[ - New Entry -] Ok so I completely forgot I was going to keep up with doing this and I definitely should’ve and it's been like…3-ish? Months? I think? I still have trouble with the Earth vs. Erid calendar conversions, but that’s what Rocky said. But I’m doing it again because this is now going to be an observation log. Everything’s gone nuts here. One of the Eridian satellites picked up a ship out in space- barely even a ship. It was pretty much just a hunk of metal. And…I don’t really know what else to say besides meat. It was…hard to look at. They wouldn’t let me see it for the longest time.
The moment Rocky told me (which was already a while after they had found it because he knew I’d talk of nothing but studying it once I knew) I begged and bargained for any way to see it. They said they couldn’t bring it into the biodome and that it was in a secure location for studying, but that they were going to need my help because the thing is seriously irradiated. [ - Log End - ]
[ - New Entry -] This is the first time I’ve been back in the biodome in weeks. I kind of got…fired? Or suspended. From the lab. Rocky got pissed at me for not sleeping again and sent me back here. He says if I spend too long bent over the microscope in Erid’s gravity I’ll get stuck like that, to which I replied that he sounded like my mother. But there was a person in there. Somebody. I don’t really know if they’re human. It was just blood in there, like so much, like an inordinate, ridiculous amount of blood. I don’t think it was theirs. My best theory at the moment is that an encounter between aliens went far worse than Rocky and I’s.
The ship is gone now. We took as many samples as we could, but we had to ditch that thing before it gave us all radiation poisoning. Now there’s just…another alien. I didn’t think I was depressed, but I can’t express how much better I feel with a mind-boggling scientific mystery to occupy the vast amounts of time I find myself trying to spend. [ - Log End - ]