Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

File: 02××27LoAWGexcerpt

Transcribed Date: Immediate

Speakers: RH, FS, N

RH: All right. So, we got, the Bennets, right. Fucking, new people. Got money, but not enough. Five daughters, all gotta be married, gotta find good matches, or they're fucking, doomed.

FS: Victorian.

RH: Georgian, you philistine. Regency specifically. But similar vibe, I guess, least in regards to this.

FS: [hum]

RH: So, five fucking daughters, right? Jane's oldest. She's pretty, and good, and kind, and basically perfect in every way. Then Lizzie. She's our heroine. She's a catty bitch, but in, like, a good way. And then three more with B plots we'll let you be a little less fuckin' concussed for, yeah?

FS: B plots?

RH: Jesus, Marcus. Focus.

FS: 'M focusing! Jane, Lizzie. Three sisters, not important.

RH: I'll let you have that because you're visibly dizzy. B plots are still important, you dumb jock.

FS: That's fair.

RH: [loud , crackling sigh] So the Bennet girls gotta get husbands, and conveniently a super wildly rich single dude decides to rent the fancy manor down the road. Bingley.

FS: 'S a really unfor- unf- bad name.

RH: [snort] You're not wrong, Marcus. You're a hypocritical fuck, but you're not wrong. So Bingley rents the house and immediately throws a big ole party to get to know the neighborhood.

FS: Get to know the Bennets.

RH: Good job, Marcus, you get a sticker. The Bennets go to the party, and they meet Bingley, his sisters who are also B Plot material, and his best friend in the whole wide world, Mr. Darcy.

FS: Oh that's me!

RH: Another win for cultural osmosis. That's two stickers for Marcus. [louder] Make a note, Birdbrain, stickers for the Fed.

N: Noted!

RH: Now, Bingley is basically what happens if you give a golden retriever human form and a fuckton of money. Darcy, on the other hand, is the worst combo of social anxiety and being the smartest person in the room.

FS: [long pause] He's a jackass.

RH: He comes off as a jackass, exactly.

FS: [quietly] He is me.

RH: You're adorable. Sit down.

FS: I am sitting?

RH: It's an expression. You remember where we were?

FS: Party. Golden retriever, Bennets.

RH: I'll take it. So Bingley meets Jane and immediately thinks she's the best thing since the 1911.

FS: 's a nice gun.

RH: I'm gonna ignore that. Bingley and Jane hit it off right away, almost enough to make you believe in love at first sight, and Darcy lurks awkwardly in the corner glaring at everyone. When Bingley tries to get him to join the festivities, suggesting he dance with Lizzie, Darcy, right in front of Lizzie and loud enough for her to hear him, says she's too ugly, and he's not interested in other men's leavings.

FS: [hissing] Rude.

RH: Yeah, thankfully, Lizzie gives no fucks about what some rando says about her, and spreads the story as a great joke to make Darcy look bad.

FS: Seems he did that on his own.

RH: Everyone agrees. And rude Mr. Darcy is put from everyone's minds, and they begin to focus on getting Bingley to marry Jane. To which end, Mrs. Bennet sends Jane to Bingley's house in a rainstorm, hoping she'll get sick.

FS: That seems mean.

RH: All's fair in marriage and warfare, Marcus. It works, anyway, and Jane gets sick, and has to stay at Bingley's house. Lizzie goes immediately to help care for Jane, meaning she's trapped in the house with Darcy till Jane gets well.

FS: Ohhhh.

RH: Yeah, now you're gettin' it. Bingley's sisters are catty bitches, and Lizzie is gracefully catty right back. Lizzie thinks Darcy continues to be a giant asshole, but Darcy, privately and silently, begins to get more and more interested in her. Her brains, her beauty, her care for her family all impress him.

FS: Oh, he realizes he was a dick.

RH: I wouldn't go that far, Marcus, but he's getting there. Lizzie on the other hand, continues to think exactly the same of him.

FS: Enemies to lovers!

RH: Marcus, get off the internet.

FS: What?

RH: Never mind. You ready for a little bit of B plot? It's nominally relevant to Lizzie's sitch.

FS: Uhm. Hit me.

RH: Nah, you're concussed enough. Okay, so Lizzie's dad has a cousin, Collins. You with me?

FS: Collins.

RH: He's inheriting all the Bennet's money, because the daughters can't. He needs a wife. He thinks it would be perfect to marry one of the Bennets. Full circle, right?

FS: Rich people.

RH: [huff] Truer words, Marcus. But Collins is annoying as shit. Full of himself, stuck up, stupid.

FS: ew.

RH: He wants to marry Jane, but they convince him she's very nearly engaged, so he sets his sight on Lizzie.

FS: She can't.

RH: She won't. She wants to marry someone she loves. Or at least respects, right? Her parents' marriage is terrible, because her dad thinks her mom is stupid, and she wants more than that. She says no, which is very nearly unheard of.

FS: is he mad?

RH: Oh you're into it now, huh. He's upset about it, reasonably so, a girl shot him down for no good reason, as far as he can see, but he makes an offer for Lizzie's best friend Charlotte, and she says yes.

FS: Oh good.

RH: Why do you say so?

FS: No hard feelings.

RH: Fair enough. There's also an young army officer, Wickham.

FS: With the voice!

RH: Oh you remember that, huh? He's handsome and dashing and flirts with everyone. You're making a face, Marcus, what's the matter?

FS: I don't like him.

RH: Good instincts. He's an ass.

FS: Flirts.

RH: He does, flirts with everyone, means it with no one, and targets girls with money. His B plot is mostly about Lizzie's sister, and he's a predatory asshole.

FS: shoot his kneecaps.

RH: I would, yes, good call. But first, he convinces Lizzie he's got a sob story about Darcy fucking him over.

FS: ass.

RH: Yep. So Lizzie is confirmed that Darcy is a giant dickhead, and Wickham gets an in with the family. Bingley fucks off to London without word, and his sister sends a letter that they're never coming back.

FS: No!

RH: Jane is crushed, Lizzie is furious, because she's convinced Darcy convinced Bingley to drop Jane. Jane goes to London with their aunt and uncle to try to get her mind off it, and Lizzie goes to visit Charlotte and Collins.

FS: Oh nice.

RH: Turns out, Collins is the parson on the estate of Lady Catherine, who happens to super rich, super snobby, and also Darcy's aunt.

FS: Runs in the family.

RH: Like money, I assume.

FS: [snort of laughter]

RH: Charlotte is doing well with her very annoying husband and lots of things to do and take care of as the parson's wife. Lady Catherine thinks she's almost good enough to be in her presence, which is frankly a fine compliment from her, and Lizzie is judgy about Charlotte being willing to marry someone annoying for security, but Lizzie is wrong.

FS: You- you said they gotta, for society. Girls gotta marry, or, like die.

RH: I did say that, yes.

FS: So, like, she shoulda said yes. It's good.

RH: You're correct, and Lizzie's being a catty bitch, but she's watched her mom drive her dad crazy her entire life, and she's sworn that's not happening to her, so she can't understand Charlotte letting it.

FS: But she's. Got a good life.

RH: Some people want love, Marcus.

FS: Why?

RH: You're fucking adorable. Wingpop, can we keep him?

N: Put that fed back, or so help me!

RH: You never let me have any fun.

N: I let you keep the dog. We're not keeping the fed.

RH: Let, hell. You kept the dog. I should get to have a fed.

N: He's his own person, you have to ask permission.

RH: That's no fun, he won't say yes.

N: There you are then. Tell him about the proposal.

RH: You in there, Marcus?

FS: Proposal?

RH: Yeah, Marcus, Darcy turns up to visit his aunt, and discovers Lizzie's there too.

FS: And proposes?

RH: With the worst proposal in the history of literature. He tells her that he tried hard not to love her, because her family sucks, her situation is terrible, and she's clearly inferior to him, but he's failed at all attempts, and he does love her, and she should marry him.

FS: oof.

RH: Oof is right. She tells him where to stuff his proposal, and if there are so many reasons not to love her, he should have no trouble getting himself under control, after how he treated Jane and Wickham. Darcy, boiling in mortified disappointment, makes himself scarce.

FS: oof.

RH: It gets better. He sends her a letter, saying he's taken her words to heart and will leave her alone, but he doesn't want her to think him heartless, and explains what really went down with Wickham, who took the money he was owed, tried to force Darcy's sister to elope with him, and then went into the army after gambling away all his money. He explains he split Jane and Bingley up because he thought Jane didn't love him.

FS: Because he's dumb.

RH: Because he has never paid attention to other human's emotions, yes. Mortally embarrassed, Lizzie returns home to some B plot with Wickham and her sister, and then goes on vacation with her aunt and uncle, who promptly take her to Darcy's house.

FS: why?

RH: rich people's houses are tourist destinations, Marcus, surely you know this.

FS: I. Guess?

RH: He's not home, it's fine.

FS: Oh good. That would be embarrassing.

RH: Surprise, he is home.

FS: Oh no!

N: This is better than TV.

RH: Shut it, Wingularity, the grownups are talking. So, Darcy is home, and he is gracious and charming, and kind to Lizzie's aunt and uncle, and introduces Lizzie to his sister, who is lovely and so thrilled to meet her!

FS: Mort- mor-

RH: Mortifying. Yes, Lizzie is dying inside. Bingley turns up to admit he still loves Jane, and everything seems to be falling into place.

FS: I don't like seems.

RH: You have good instincts for a jock, Marcus. Wickham's b-plot comes back to bite us all in the ass. Lizzie's sister has run off with him, and she is likely to be ruined unless Wickham can be found and forced to marry her. Distressed by the letter, Lizzie blurts it all out to Darcy, and then hurries back to her family, all of whom are desperately searching for Lydia.

FS: That's what he nearly did to Darcy's sister!

RH: Good job, Marcus, Wickham has a track record!

FS: Kneecaps.

RH: I would if I could. But Gardner finds Wickham, and Wickham demands his debts paid to marry Lydia. And then Lydia and Wickham turn up, married, and the Bennets believe Uncle Gardner has paid him off.

FS: [gasping] Darcy!

RH: Got it in one. Bingley and Darcy return to the neighborhood, and Bingley asks Jane to marry him, and she says yes.

FS: yay!

RH: And Darcy's aunt turns up and demands Lizzie promise not to marry Darcy.

FS: wait, what?

RH: Exactly what Lizzie thinks. She hadn't realized marrying Darcy was still on the table. She figured he had to hate her, for turning him down, even though she's completely done a one-eighty on him, ever since Lydia let slip it was him and not their uncle who paid Wickham off. She refuses to promise, and Lady Catherine storms off in a huff.

FS: Meddling ol' bat.

RH: Bats are notorious meddlers, you're correct. Darcy, emboldened by Lizzie's refusal, comes to see her. He says if she says no again, he'll fuck right off, but her answer to his aunt gave him hope. He asks her again to marry him, and she says yes.

FS: yay!

RH: Pretty much exactly what Lizzie's mom and sisters say. Her dad is worried she's only saying yes for the money, because last he heard she hated his guts, so she has to spill the whole drama to convince him she's in earnest accepting Darcy's suit.

FS: good dad.

RH: Mid dad. He loves Lizzie, but he hasn't exactly raised the girls well, and he hasn't exactly been a stellar husband or role model. But this bit he does right, and tells Darcy yes.

FS: An' they live happily?

RH: Ever after, Marcus, the end.

[end excerpt]