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Ryan wasn’t sure why he was doing it. He didn’t need the aggravation. He didn’t need to know what it said, what it sounded like. He didn’t need to be doing this. But, he’d be damned if he could find it in himself to stop. It was almost like a high, being able to hear all the words for himself, hear every line and thought in the quiet solitude of his own house, own room, own mind. It was addicting to hear Brendon’s voice again. To hear new words rather than the ones he had echoing on a loop in his head, the empty memories clattering around between his ears.
He was about halfway through the record, dangling on every last word, lost in the stories they were telling. The stories he had his own version of, sitting in notebooks across the room, unspoken and unforgivable. Ryan was sitting on his floor, his stereo facing him and staring him down. Before, it had merely been the conveyer of bad news, but slowly it began to lean over him, confronting him with words he’d never thought he’d hear.
Hey.
The words were directed at him, the words reaching out and grabbing on his collar.
A casual affair. Could go anywhere. If only for tonight.
All the ways to spit the words at Ryan, and he chose to mock him. Chose to echo every time they had clutched each other behind a locked door with lies burning their tongue, and twisted it into something to taunt Ryan. Made the sincerity they feigned to make those words pass their lips sound like the they never meant them at all. Like Ryan never tried to resist the urge to kiss him, muttering against his lips their last prayer that never stopped either of them. Like Brendon never did the same thing. Like they were just blind fools, fumbling for nothing, rather than two helpless boys holding onto each other like their last breath was one that would be shared together. Brendon had taken every night they begged the other to stay, took every plea for solitude and commitment, and silenced them.
Hush hush. Don’t you say a word.
Before, it was a desperate attempt to stop any and all resistance and have it die on the lips of the other, but now Ryan could hear the threat- the weakening attempt to silence every word in his own mind. Every barbed sentence Ryan must have spat at him finally winning out and speaking over his own voice.
Although their relationship being ‘casual’ was never something Ryan ever uttered; those words were completely Brendon’s. They were his own outlook. But it wasn’t true. Brendon had to know that. There was no way that the way the world came crashing down around them in a fit of hot tears, clenched fists, and blown out voices meant that the fire being put out between them was an accidental and convenient spark. It was an inferno; uncontrollable and terrifying. There was nothing casual about the way they destroyed each other. It was with a purpose; a fire too hot foolishly trying to provide warmth to the other.
Brendon had to know that. Didn’t he?
Ryan’s phone was resting beside him, the idea probably somewhere floating in Ryan’s mind when he sat down with the record. He never deleted his number; even if Ryan did it was already buried deep under his fingertips, just like his skin. He could recall it without a moment’s consideration to straighten out any confused digits or mixed pairings. It was like calling home; no matter how long it had been, you always remember how to call back.
His fingers fumbled with the code as he unlocked his phone. He didn’t bother looking at the time that flashed across the screen; it would only try to convince him to reconsider. Ryan pulled up his contacts, finding his name immediately, barely giving himself a moment to breathe before pressing the button and calling him.
Each ring was like a lifetime. Ryan’s breath shaking out as he counted the number of rings Brendon let go before eventually deciding the fate of his call. Out of his other ear, Ryan heard Brendon respond in his own way, claiming that what they had become- what Ryan was attempting to salvage in some pathetic and apologetic way- was a mess. He wasn’t wrong. But Ryan had no time to second guess himself; the ringing stopped.
“Hello?” The voice sounded quiet and slow; Ryan had woken Brendon up. “Who is this?”
“Brendon?” Ryan answered hesitantly, lowering the sound on his stereo to make sure every word Brendon said was heard loud and clear.
“Hello?” Brendon repeated, his voice becoming sharper as disbelief overtook the grogginess. “Ryan?”
“Brendon, I just wanted to-”
“What the fuck is your problem?” Brendon spat before Ryan could even explain himself. “What in the name of God do you want from me?” Ryan felt himself shrink at the accusation that he wanted something from Brendon. Why did he assume? Their minds used to be so in-sync, never needing more than a few words on the phone before the entire conversation was over and understood. What happened to them?
“I just wanted to call and-”
“And what?” Brendon was just as sharp as he used to be. Ryan hadn’t forgotten. He also hadn’t missed being on the receiving end.
“And tell you that it wasn’t like that.” Ryan finished, taking a deep breath. “And you fucking know it.”
“What are you talking about?” Brendon’s voice was low, threatening Ryan to talk himself farther into the ‘mess’ he had already made; Brendon knew what Ryan was talking about within the second the sentence was finished, he just didn’t believe Ryan.
“I loved you, Brendon.” Ryan cried, hoping to paint the pictures of every glowing moment they had together- when the fire was contained and docile.
“You know, the fact that you made it past tense just really makes me feel great, Ryan.” Brendon laughed coldly. “You call just to rub that in? Or do you have another healing wound you want to make bleed for me?”
“Brendon.” Brendon was dousing the fire, pouring water all over their already flickering flames. Ryan was drowning. “Please, just- listen to me.”
“And why should I?” Brendon had the power to cut off their communication at any moment.
“Because I never knew you thought of it that way.” Ryan said hurriedly, waiting for the click on the other line. Instead there was continuing silence; Brendon waiting for Ryan to continue. “I never knew you thought… that I thought… you were…”
“A casual fuck you carried around on your tour bus?” Brendon’s abrupt honesty spared no one’s feelings. “Yeah. Figured you didn’t.”
“And that’s how you tell me?” Ryan retorted. “That’s not fair.”
“Fair?” Brendon echoed, his voice growing distant as he began laughing. Ryan waited with baited breath as he could hear the slow and painful laughter come closer. “What would you know about fair? You just go around breaking hearts as you damn well please; say that you love someone and then take it back the next day.”
“Brendon, I-”
“You told me what I wanted to hear. You manipulated me into staying just one. more. time. and when I think we’ve started a new chapter, you and me together and in love? You slam the book in my fucking face and tell me you didn’t mean it. You pulled the whole fucking floor out from under me, Ryan! What in the fuck do you know about fair?!”
Out of all the fights and screaming matches Ryan and Brendon had gotten off their chests in the final twelve hours of their multi-leveled partnership, those words were never ones that Ryan tortuously had playing on repeat in his mind. He had heard how selfish he was, how aloof he was to everyone’s feelings other than his own, how closed off he was, how unreadable, how unwanted he was. But never had he truly heard how those words had twisted up inside Brendon, settling inside that lovely hole Ryan made when he ripped Brendon’s heart straight from his chest.
Ryan sat dumbfounded, admiring his own self-destruction. “Brendon, I-”
“Go on. Say you’re sorry. Clear your conscience.” Brendon dared. “Make it all better, Ry.”
“I didn’t know.” It was the only truthful sentence Ryan could muster up that wouldn’t end in abrupt silence on every end.
“Well, now you do.” Brendon replied. “Doesn’t it feel great, having someone you love- sorry loved- literally tear down your perfect image of faux reality and shred it to pieces before your very eyes? It’s a blessing, isn’t it?”
“Brendon… Please….”
“Just keep begging, Ryan. It’s great. Really lets me know what I’m missing.”
“I meant it.” Ryan breathed, his eyes closing and hoping to block everything- everyone- else out. “Brendon, I meant it. We both know I did… We were just fighting to make it a lie.”
Finally, it was Brendon’s line that ran silent. Ryan was very aware that he had every right to hang up. He was also very aware that he hadn’t.
“I don’t want to do this right now.” Brendon muttered, his voice muffled. “Ry, I can’t.”
“Why because you’ve spent so long lying about it, the truth can’t fit in your messed-up fucking-”
“Because I can’t hear you lie to me again.” Brendon sighed. “Ryan, I can’t just sit here and listen to you change history. It’s been four years-”
“And for four years, I haven’t changed a damn word of it.”
Ryan wished more than anything, he was sitting with Brendon, able to reach out and hold him one more time. Repeat those words he had tried to pull back from the universe, their fire having burned too hot that night, engulfing their entire hotel room and melting them down their bare bones. Brendon had been stunning, the words stumbling out of Ryan’s mouth and branding Brendon’s bare skin. He had to try and fix what he had done; Ryan placed a band-aid over the wound and denied the incident. Brendon took the lie as gospel and let it heal him, leaving a jagged scar.
“Please don’t lie to me again.” Brendon hissed, his voice cracking. “I can’t do this again. I can’t.”
“You don’t have to.” Ryan added quickly. “We don’t have to-”
“But I want to.” Brendon sighed, his words desperate and sending chills over Ryan’s skin. Already, falling into old patterns. “God, I want to, Ry… But you fucking destroyed things. You wrecked things. We can’t just go back to the way they were.”
“Why don’t we start over then?” Ryan offered, still aware of the lifespan of their conversation. It was taking its last breath slowly. “Meet all over again.”
“Ryan-” Brendon started. Ryan could feel the distance between them growing farther, Brendon already considering the idea of shutting things down.
“Brendon, baby, please.” Ryan managed, his own tone reaching desperation. He was pleading with Brendon all over again. Begging him to stay just one more moment with him.
The line ran deadly silent and Ryan thought his chance had slipped out between his trembling fingers. But then he heard Brendon clear his throat and breath in sharply through his nose- sniffling if Ryan ever heard it. “…will you mean everything this time?”
“Every damn word of it.”
“Okay. Okay… Fine.”
Ryan had never been more pleased to hear the simplest of answers. That one word meant that he could rewrite history, change time, redo everything. Maybe fuck it up in the same exact way, but at least it would be from their own inability to be restrained, their own passionate misdoings. It was a commitment, falling into the same traps and addictive patterns. There was nothing nonchalant- nothing casual- about it. It was going to be the death of them both, but Ryan had never been more excited to count his last days.