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Slowly but surely, Nyamu was getting back into the rest of career.
When Ave Mujica reunited, Nyamu had planned on focusing entirely on her work as a drummer in her band. She had failed to make anything of the rest of her entertainment career, so it had seemed like the best option. Nyamu had been convinced at the time that she would never be able to make it as an actress as long as she was so caught up in her inferiority complex with Mutsumi and Mortis, so she didn’t bother to try. Since then, she had been working to try and get back to the place she had been before all of this. She wouldn’t get anything done if she was too caught up in her head to make progress, so Nyamu fought through her uncertainty as much as possible to start acting again.
Nyamu would have been lying if she said it was easy. Of course not. She had known it was going to be challenging to get back on the horse after she thought she would never have a chance of making a life for herself as an actress. Still, Nyamu couldn’t let herself wallow in her self-pity forever. If she was going to make the rest of her family proud and then make a career she could admire, then she had to ignore the way her mind constantly told her to give up and run away. She needed to stand her ground, and the best way to do that had been to continue acting after all that time away from it.
With a little bit of work, Nyamu was able to get back into Win-Wing even after Ave Mujica split away from the label. Since Uika was able to balance her career as an idol with her work in Ave Mujica, Nyamu had been able to convince the executives to give her a second chance even without such a clear business tie to her band. She had picked up a few smaller acting gigs too, and she was working on transitioning back to online content on the side. The change was stark but beautiful, and Nyamu felt on top of the damn world knowing she was making so much progress. Soon enough, it would seem like Mutsumi and Mortis had never shattered her confidence in the first place. Soon enough, the world would never know she had ever been knocked down at all.
Nyamu hadn’t spoken a word of her recent career shift to either one of them. She was confident they had noticed she was trying to pursue her dreams again despite swearing off them a few months ago. Even so, they didn’t bring it up. They didn’t say anything about Nyamu’s confession to Mortis before Ave Mujica’s reunion show either. Nyamu couldn’t decide if she preferred the silence or if she wanted them to respond to it. There was hardly an answer to this dilemma that would entirely satisfy her, and she knew it well. Even so, the lack of a response left something inside of her hollow and unsteady. It would have been kinder for Mortis to outright deny the way she felt, but Nyamu couldn’t bring herself to ask for more elaboration regarding Mortis’ reaction. It didn’t matter much anyway, did it? Something like that simply could never happen between them.
Nyamu’s feelings for Mutsumi and Mortis remained every bit as complicated as she had expected when she first told them how she felt. There was so much Nyamu wanted to say, but her words always felt insufficient. She was an actress, not a playwright… Though she supposed the division between those two roles hadn’t stopped Mortis from so effortlessly spinning together a speech in Sakiko’s style when she first appeared. Nyamu did her best to not think of it as yet another way she was obviously inferior to the other girls, but it was a challenge. Being in such close proximity to them made it hard to keep her head on straight. Even so, she wouldn’t let this be the end. She could reclaim her normal life again. She was going to make sure of it.
If there was one thing Nyamu could say for certain about this mess, it was that her feelings for Minami had changed for the worst ever since the conversation they shared that one day in Win-Wing. Minami had thought of it as a way to bond with Nyamu, finding camaraderie in someone less than half her age just because she happened to hate her daughter too. All it had done for Nyamu though was teach her that she should never meet her heroes. Nyamu hadn’t looked at Minami the same way since then. It didn’t matter how jealous Nyamu could get of Mutsumi and Mortis; she would never agree with how Minami felt about them.
Minami didn't know just how much Nyamu cared about her family. Minami had never asked about Nyamu’s past, and Nyamu hadn’t volunteered the information either. Now, Nyamu knew she wouldn’t trust Minami with the truth of her family under any circumstances. If Minami thought so poorly of her own daughter that she would talk poorly about her to anyone else who showed the slightest signs of disliking her, then Nyamu didn’t want to show any weakness around the woman. Nyamu loved her siblings to pieces, and while she may not have been a mother, she knew how parents were supposed to act. They were meant to love their children no matter what and soothe them through every hardship they endured. Parents certainly weren’t meant to talk about years of competition with their own flesh and blood and then beg to be understood when they admitted to resenting the person they helped to create.
In a way, Nyamu had been fine with leaving behind her acting career for a few months since it meant she wouldn’t have to look Minami in the eyes. Every once in a while, the two of them walked by one another in the Wakaba home since that was a common rehearsal spot for Ave Mujica. Minami had never brought up her conversation with Nyamu from that day though, knowing it was dangerous to be overheard by anyone else in the band. Nyamu almost thought Minami was more concerned about Sakiko, Uika, and Umiri knowing how she felt about her daughter than Mutsumi listening in. Nyamu doubted Minami did much to keep her feelings for Mutsumi and Mortis a secret. The distance between them was clear even from afar.
Nyamu wasn’t going to be able to avoid Minami forever though. Soon enough, they were going to cross paths, and if Nyamu’s shift of career had anything to say about it, they would find one another again soon. Even so, that didn’t stop Nyamu from trying to hold off the inevitable for as long as possible. The last thing she wanted was for Minami to approach her again and then have the audacity to say they were the same. That couldn’t have possibly been further from the truth, and Nyamu despised Minami for not seeing the truth for what it was.
It was a Saturday afternoon when Nyamu finished up her first major acting job after coming back to her old career. She had gone through the motions for a few small gigs before this to regain her flow, but this was something special. Nyamu was hoping it would finally boost her confidence enough to keep her from ever slipping because of Mortis again. There was no guarantee she would be able to keep herself held together permanently, but Nyamu was choosing to have high hopes for now. She could prove that she could do it once, and from there, she would have no choice but to keep believing in herself… Right?
“Nyamu-chan!”
Apparently, Nyamu hadn’t moved to get out of the Win-Wing building quickly enough. Minami was walking out as well, a small smile on her face as she waved after Nyamu. This was their first time being in the same space without running the risk of being overheard by the other members of Ave Mujica. Nyamu had hoped to never end up in a situation like this again, but when had the world ever cared about her hopes? If the universe gave a damn, then it would have kept her from falling apart because of a girl she envied and loved in equal measure.
“Minami-chan!” Nyamu replied, pressing a smile on her face. She had just finished a huge acting job, and yet, Nyamu thought her current performance in front of Minami deserved an award far more than her performance earlier in the day. “I didn’t realize you would be at the agency today!”
“I didn’t realize you would be here either,” Minami said, jogging a little bit to catch up with Nyamu. She started to walk away from the building, and Nyamu realized she was being expected to trail along with Minami. Nyamu prayed she would be able to get away soon, but until then, she needed to be patient. “I thought you were taking a break from acting to focus on Ave Mujica.”
“Ah… I decided to get back into acting a little while ago,” Nyamu answered. “I’ve been at the agency a few days a week, but I guess we just haven’t run into each other yet.” I wish we didn’t even run into each other today. “Are you going home now? I suppose most filming hours are up now.”
“I am,” Minami answered, though Nyamu could see a small glimmer of disappointment in her eyes. It was childish just how much Minami hated being at home. She had made the Wakaba mansion such a fundamentally unfriendly place for her daughter, and yet, Minami was more upset about it than Mutsumi. When given the chance, Minami would always position herself as the victim of her daughter’s brilliance. Just the thought made Nyamu want to punch her in the nose. “How about we talk for a while? It’s been so long since we were last able to catch up.”
“Sure,” Nyamu forced out, ignoring the screams in the back of her throat that demanded she protest harder. “How has your career been going? I thought I heard you picked up a few big jobs in the last few months.”
“Oh, I did! I booked two movies, and they’ve been going very well,” Minami smiled. When she spoke so casually with Nyamu, it was easy to forget just how much of a hateful monster she was. Minami claimed she would never be as good of an actress as her daughter, but she was better at acting than she thought if she could so easily convince the world she was a good mother. Nyamu wouldn’t fall for the sickening performance, but she knew she was an exception and not the rule. “How about you? How has Ave Mujica been going?”
Sure enough, something dark rose in Minami’s eyes when she mentioned Ave Mujica. After all, Ave Mujica brought with it the implication of Mutsumi’s presence, and even when her daughter was nowhere in the area, Minami could feel her weight around her neck. Couldn’t she lay off with the grudge for even a few minutes? Nyamu didn’t let herself say any of this though, instead giving Minami a smile that burned her cheeks at the corners. “It’s been going well!” Nyamu replied. “Maybe you should come and watch one of our concerts one day.”
Nyamu already knew Minami wasn’t going to do it. That would mean acknowledging her daughter, and there was nothing in the world Minami wanted to do less than remember Mutsumi existed. Nyamu almost wished she would come though. Nyamu wished she could put her skills on a stage where Minami would have to watch her, and she wished Minami would have no choice but to look at her daughter and see how great she had become all on her own. Minami could hate Mutsumi all she wanted, but it would never stop her daughter from thriving without her.
Minami was at least polite enough to not refuse outright, though Nyamu was certain Minami was thinking something far crueler than she said aloud. “I’ll have to see if I have the time in my schedule,” Minami replied. She never would have the time, and Nyamu thought that was probably for the best regardless of her desire to prove herself. Having Minami at an Ave Mujica concert would only make Mutsumi and Mortis miserable, and Nyamu hardly wanted to visit suffering upon them simply because she was spiteful. That was the difference between herself and Minami; at least Nyamu’s envy manifested in something like love. Nyamu knew it wasn’t pure affection, but she could say with certainty that she cared more than Minami. She thought of Mutsumi’s wellbeing as a person and not just the fact that she was an obstacle to her progress.
That was something else that had changed over the course of the last few months; Nyamu had been able to bond with the other members of Ave Mujica, and they were starting to become something like friends. Their dynamic was undoubtedly more complicated than other bands their age, but Ave Mujica was no ordinary band. It was a miracle they were able to get along with one another in this way after their past arguments. Nyamu admittedly appreciated having the chance to get to know them as friends instead of just as accomplices to her bid for fame. Her humbling experiences with the entertainment industry had taught her it was fine to rely on others every once in a while, and the rest of the band was leaning on her in return.
Getting to know Mutsumi and Mortis had been one of the strangest parts of this process though. Nyamu had come to think of them as an idol in her mind after the band broke apart. They were the shadow that haunted her every night, the goddess she could never become. Now though, Nyamu could see them as human… As human as any member of Ave Mujica could be, Nyamu supposed. Regardless of how jealous she had been, Nyamu knew they were people just like her. They were girls her age, and they went through struggles all the same. As a result, Nyamu couldn’t force Minami to come to an Ave Mujica concert. She couldn’t force others just like her to go through torment if there was something she could do to help it. How sad was it that Nyamu cared more about the girls she envied more than their own mother did?
Minami seemed like she was going to change the subject away from Ave Mujica, but she never did it. Instead, her gaze found something on the other end of the street, and her posture stiffened. Nyamu internally chastised her for letting her performance slip for even a second, but Minami didn’t stay long enough for Nyamu to say it aloud. “I just remembered there was something I needed to do on my way home. Perhaps we can speak another time, Nyamu-chan,” Minami said quickly. “I trust we’ll see eye to eye when the time comes.”
Nyamu tried to bid Minami farewell, but she struggled to get the words out before Minami turned to cross the street to the other side. Nyamu blinked after her before sighing and turning to face the street ahead of her. She didn’t know why Minami had run off like that, but she supposed the details behind it didn’t matter. If it meant Nyamu didn’t have to talk to Minami any longer than she already had, then she certainly wasn’t going to complain. She had wanted to get out of that conversation even before it started.
As soon as Nyamu kept walking though, she realized just why Minami had turned tail and fled so suddenly. Mutsumi was coming down the street from the opposite direction, her head bowed and a frown pressed across her lips. Even from this distance, Nyamu was certain Mutsumi was the one in control of their body. She had figured out how to tell Mutsumi and Mortis apart over the course of the last few months, and Nyamu’s skills of discernment had yet to fail her.
Nyamu knew as soon as she saw Mutsumi that the other girl was the reason Minami had taken off. Even now, Minami couldn’t bear to be around her daughter any longer than was absolutely necessary. Seeing Mutsumi on the street had felt like a threat to her, and being the coward she was, Minami decided it was better to run than try to fix her resentment for her child. Nyamu would never understand how Minami could be so damn petty, and she wasn’t going to bother trying either. Minami had made her choice, and Nyamu had made hers too.
Out of either friendship for Mutsumi or spite for Minami, Nyamu pressed a smile across her face and started down the street. “Muuko!” she called out, waving one hand above her head. She was certain Mutsumi had already seen her, but Nyamu couldn’t bring herself to care in a time when she was so desperately trying to get Minami off her mind. Nyamu trotted over to Mutsumi and came to a stop just in front of her. “I didn’t realize I’d find you here. What are you doing on this side of town?”
“I was running an errand,” Mutsumi replied, holding up a small bag. Nyamu looked inside and found a small group of high-end chocolates. Nyamu had bought some for herself a few times when her budget allowed for it, and she agreed with Mutsumi that they were more than worth the detour. “You came back from the agency, didn’t you?”
Nyamu bit back a wince, already knowing where this was headed. Mutsumi had seen Minami turn and flee a few moments prior even if she wanted to purge it from her mind. Nyamu’s stomach burned at the thought of bringing it up unprompted though, so she cast Mutsumi a smile and a nod. “I was finishing up a gig today,” Nyamu replied. “Things are looking up for Nyamuchi!”
Mutsumi hummed, narrowing her eyes at Nyamu. Sometimes, Nyamu could have sworn Mutsumi could see right through her, and today was no exception. “You talked to Minami-chan.” Nyamu chose to not say anything aloud about Mutsumi’s choice to refer to Minami not as her mother but by the same terms the public used for her. Everything about Mutsumi and Minami’s relationship with one another felt sickeningly parasocial, and it only made Nyamu want to rip away from Minami more.
Nyamu’s smile faltered slightly despite her best attempts to maintain her composure. “She… She was there at the same time I was,” Nyamu replied, though she wasn’t entirely sure of why she was trying to justify herself to Mutsumi. It wasn’t as if Mutsumi knew anything about the silent falling out between Nyamu and Minami. Hell, not even Minami was aware that had happened since Nyamu had never told her the way she felt. Nyamu knew snapping at Minami would only worsen her position in an already fragile industry, so she had to keep her rage close to her chest. It felt explosive against her ribcage, but if it would help her to keep her job, she saw little other choice.
Mutsumi hummed once again, and Nyamu wondered just what was going through that head of hers. To most people, Mutsumi looked absent, but Nyamu knew better than to fall for that. Mutsumi always had something on her mind, and when she expressed it, her words could feel deadly. It was no wonder Mutsumi had come to fear her own voice so much. Mutsumi chose her words carefully now for that very reason, eventually choosing to look at the space just over Nyamu’s shoulder so she didn’t have to struggle through any eye contact. “You haven’t been talking to her as much recently,” Mutsumi said. “You used to be so close with her.”
Nyamu should have known this was coming. How could Mutsumi have not noticed the deteriorating connection between Nyamu and Minami? It seemed like Minami thought of Nyamu as more of a daughter than Mutsumi, and it was only a matter of time before Mutsumi picked up on it. Back when she first met Minami, Nyamu had wanted to get as close with her as possible to capitalize on all the benefits that would bring her. Since then, Nyamu had pulled back almost entirely, determined to make it on her own. Taking anything from Minami felt like a betrayal of everything Nyamu had ever tried to build, and she wasn’t going to do that. She wasn’t going to spit on her family by working with a woman who would see hers destroyed if she thought it would benefit her.
“We just… Drifted apart,” Nyamu answered. That was far easier than saying the truth aloud: that Minami had confessed to feeling like her daughter was a monster. Minami hadn’t even spoken to Mutsumi to get confirmation that she and Nyamu were no longer friends. She simply came out and said it unprompted, and she had trusted that Nyamu wouldn’t tell Mutsumi about it. She had been right in that assumption, albeit for the wrong reason. Nyamu wasn’t going to tell Mutsumi, but it had nothing to do with loyalty to Minami. If she was staying quiet, it was because she was trying to protect someone she cared about.
Mutsumi didn’t believe Nyamu’s excuse at all, and she stared at Nyamu with a frown vaguely edged in disapproval. Everything about the expression was so nuanced that it left Nyamu nauseated. How could Mutsumi handle herself so effortlessly even in a situation that didn’t call for it in the slightest? At one point, Nyamu would have taken this as proof that she would never be able to live up to Mutsumi’s skills, but now, she knew it was the byproduct of something horrifying. Minami had neglected and abused her daughter, and Mutsumi’s effortless chameleon behavior had been her only survival mechanism. Nyamu had done the research on her own in the last few months, and she knew what Mutsumi and Mortis’ condition meant. There was only one thing it could mean, and she was certain they knew it too… Not that either one of them would ever dare to say it aloud.
“Do you want to walk back with me?” Mutsumi asked suddenly. Nyamu had to wonder if it was some sort of threat–a promise of a coming interrogation–but she couldn’t tell immediately. When Nyamu hesitated in answering, Mutsumi stuck one hand into her bag and pulled out a chocolate. She held it in Nyamu’s direction, waiting for her to accept the gift. “You can have one. Mortis is offering.”
So the chocolates were for Mortis. That made sense. Nyamu had noticed Mortis had much more of a sweet tooth than Mutsumi. Nyamu had picked up on all sorts of small things about Mutsumi and Mortis that most others wouldn’t have thought twice about, but to Nyamu, it felt like something holy. If this chocolate was an offer from Mortis, then that meant she wanted Nyamu to be with her. Nyamu had meant what she said when she admitted to loving Mortis, and that rang true even now. An invitation to spend time with the girl she liked was too much for Nyamu to refuse, so she plucked the chocolate from Mutsumi’s palm and nodded. “Thank you.”
Nyamu popped the chocolate into her mouth after unwrapping it, unable to decide if the taste was sweeter than usual since it had come from Mortis or if it was bitter because of the awful conversation inevitably waiting for her. In the end, she didn’t settle on an opinion, and Mutsumi filled the silence in her stead. “What did you talk about with Minami-chan?” Mutsumi asked. There was something like sadness in her eyes, but she didn’t acknowledge it aloud, instead staring ahead with the same glassy gaze she always did when Minami happened to come up.
“Oh, you know… Normal business. Now that I’m trying to act again, I’m around the agency more,” Nyamu replied. That was the truth, though it felt dishonest to say that. Every conversation with Minami felt dark beneath the surface nowadays. Even something as innocent as the exchange they had shared minutes prior was too much for Nyamu when she knew she was speaking to a monster who had abused her own daughter. “It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
Mutsumi let out a small puff of air through her nostrils, and Nyamu immediately recognized Mortis’ influence peeking out. If Mortis wanted to say something though, Mutsumi stopped her by pressing their lips together into a tight, firm frown. When she was this close to them, Nyamu found they both put on a wonderful performance. There was so much for Nyamu to pick apart, and it always brought her closer to understanding them… Though it never helped her to get any further from her jealousy. At least it was something.
Nyamu watched Mutsumi and Mortis for a few moments more, afraid of what their next question was going to be. It seemed like they couldn’t decide on it though, and Nyamu was confident they were bickering silently amongst themselves to find their next set of words. The suspense was too much for Nyamu to bear, and she found herself desperate to fill it. “What do you think of Minami-chan?” Nyamu suddenly asked, only realizing what she had said after it was too late to take the words back. Was there a worse question for her to pose to Mutsumi and Mortis? How low was it to bring up their mother when they were clearly upset about the fact that she had been talking to Minami?
Unsurprisingly, Mutsumi and Mortis both seemed caught off-guard by the question, and Nyamu could see a blend of both of them on their shared face. “It’s…” Mutsumi’s voice was the one that eventually broke through the unease. “It’s complicated.” She seemed to have more to say, but she forced herself into silence…
Only for Mortis to break through it again a moment later after wrestling control in her favor. “I don’t like her,” Mortis declared. “She doesn’t treat us the way she should. She seems so mean to us all the time, but everyone else thinks she’s amazing, and…” Mortis huffed, aggressively jostling the chocolate bag in her effort to find one to munch on through her tangent. “And it seems like they like her more than us.”
Nyamu probably hadn’t helped with that issue at all. She had been so eager to get to know Minami when she had the chance. One of the reasons Nyamu had joined Ave Mujica in the first place had been to take advantage of the benefits she thought being close with Mutsumi could provide. Nyamu regretted it now that she knew the truth, but she could only imagine how much it must have stung for Mutsumi the first time. Minami had found ways of ruining everything even before Nyamu knew it was happening. Of course.
“It seems like she’s so jealous of us too. I can’t even describe it. She just… Is,” Mortis went on, aggressively unwrapping her chocolate of choice like it was her only saving grace from the mere implication of her mother. “She acts like she wants to be involved with our life, and then she either doesn’t do anything or takes over! She’s always putting us down even if she’s not saying it upfront. Nothing is ever good enough for her, and… And…” Mortis huffed, shoving the chocolate into her mouth. “I don’t like her.”
Nyamu could only stand to look at Mortis for so long before she had to pry her gaze back to the path ahead. Mortis was only expressing a small percentage of the grief Minami had brought to her, and she didn’t know the half of it. Mortis didn’t realize that Minami openly spoke of her as a monster to anyone who was willing to listen and capable of keeping the secret. Minami was the only mother Mutsumi had ever gotten, and the end result was Mortis’ emergence from the back of her mind. There would be no second chances for them now; they had already been born into a world intent on traumatizing them and to a mother who despised them.
Nyamu wanted to express any of this in words, but she couldn’t find the phrases she needed no matter how hard she tried. It was too much, and she refused to let her hatred explode and burn Mutsumi and Mortis in the process. Nyamu felt that would make her no better than Minami, and if there was one thing Nyamu was determined to be, it was better than Minami. Mutsumi and Mortis deserved more than what they had been given, and if Minami was too much of a coward to say it, then Nyamu would.
But she couldn’t bring herself to be upfront about that now, so she instead allowed herself a smile she did not truly believe in. “I think you should come and meet my family one day,” Nyamu said, and Mortis turned to stare at her in vague confusion. “I bet they would really like you. I think you’d have fun with my younger siblings too.”
Mutsumi took control back from Mortis long enough to shake her head. “I’m not sure about that…” Even without more details, Nyamu could figure out what she meant. Mutsumi hadn’t had many other friends aside from Sakiko before forming Ave Mujica, and she probably hadn’t gotten to know any of their families. She had met Sakiko’s relatives, however, and from what Nyamu could tell, Sakiko’s grandfather was hardly a pleasant man. Being disliked by the adults in her life was probably seen as just another unpleasant piece of life in Mutsumi’s mind.
Nyamu wasn’t going to let that be the case forever though. She shook her head and forced her smile even wider. “I mean it,” Nyamu pressed. “My family has been nothing but supportive since I said I wanted to be an actress and follow my dreams. I call them at least once a week to talk all about what I’ve been up to. They love it when I go home to visit too. Maybe we can drop by the next time we have a few days off or when Ave Mujica has a show in the area.”
Mutsumi remained unconvinced, so Nyamu went on. “I’ve got a bunch of younger siblings, and they always get excited when I talk about Ave Mujica. They’d be over the moon to meet another member of the band,” Nyamu told her, nudging Mutsumi in the arm for emphasis. Mutsumi hummed but said nothing. “And my mother loves meeting my friends. She loves cooking too, so I bet she’d make something delicious if you came by for dinner. That’s how you’re supposed to treat a guest: as kindly as possible. You need to make a nice first impression.”
That was enough to draw a tiny smile out of Mutsumi, though it was nothing when compared to grins of the past. Mutsumi didn’t smile often, but Nyamu always paid attention when she did. It felt like catching lightning in a bottle, a luxury so few were afforded. Even given their complex dynamic, it was something Nyamu treasured. “I’ll try to make a good impression too,” Mutsumi said. Nyamu was surprised Mutsumi had agreed to it so quickly given how difficult it was to convince her to open up most of the time. Perhaps Mutsumi was becoming more comfortable in her own skin as time went by. Nyamu certainly hoped so.
Mutsumi and Nyamu walked in silence for a short while longer, though they were both considerably more relaxed than they had been when the conversation first began. Mortis hadn’t peered out to grab another chocolate to reduce her stress, and Nyamu was considering that a good sign. If Mutsumi and Mortis were feeling well enough that they didn’t feel the need to ask again about what Nyamu had discussed with Minami, then this was a victory. Nyamu wasn’t going to let what she had heard from their mother slip under any circumstances, but she certainly preferred avoiding the subject for as long as she could. It simply felt safer that way.
“Do you ever feel like you’ve failed them?”
Mutsumi’s question cut through Nyamu’s thoughts just before she could start to think there was something still on their minds. Nyamu turned to look at Mutsumi with a small frown, finding the other girl staring at the pavement ahead of them with glass over her eyes. “Your family, I mean,” Mutsumi went on. “Do you ever wonder if you’ve hurt them? Or fallen short of their expectations?”
“I…” There was something Nyamu didn’t know how to answer. Of course she had felt that way. When she faltered in her belief that she should act, Nyamu had been convinced she was failing every member of her family. In a way, she had gotten back into her other performance types because she wanted to stop feeling like she wasn’t doing enough to make them proud. The best way to do that was to push herself to even greater heights, and so, she forced herself to get back on the horse after being bucked off by her own lack of confidence.
Still, Nyamu had struggled with it mightily. She worried for a time that trying at all was only going to expose her shortcomings. Perhaps it was easier and safer for her to hide until she was confident she would be able to make something of herself… But that wasn’t going to help her make any progress, would it? Instead, she would just end up spending all her time waiting for a right moment that would never come on its own. If Nyamu wanted to improve, then she was going to have to face her fears. Her family would be proud of her no matter what, and she ignored the voice in the back of her head that implied otherwise for even a second. No matter what, she couldn’t lose sight of how much her family loved her.
Somehow, burying the truth of just how much it concerned Nyamu felt wrong. Instead, she pressed her lips into a thin line and nodded. “Yeah,” she admitted. “I do.”
Mutsumi hummed, and Nyamu could tell by the specific cadence that she was curious and wanted to know more. Nyamu wouldn’t have answered the question if most other people had asked it, and yet, she couldn’t resist Mutsumi or Mortis. “I want to make them proud, but… It’s harder than I thought it would be,” Nyamu confessed, ignoring the way the honesty of her words made her skin crawl. “It feels like everything can be a recipe for failure if I don’t handle it carefully.” Nyamu didn’t say openly that Mutsumi and Mortis had been the first ones to instill doubt like this inside of her, but she was certain they already knew. They were far more perceptive than they let on at a glance.
Mutsumi hummed once more, though this time, it sounded different. Now, Mutsumi was making an observation, albeit a very quiet one. “I understand,” she murmured. “I feel like I’ve failed my parents too. They had such high hopes for me, but I…” Mutsumi’s grip on the chocolate bag tightened. “I haven’t been able to reach any of them.”
So Mutsumi and Mortis weren’t able to shake off their thoughts about Minami so easily. Nyamu should have expected that since she was thinking about Minami so much herself. Minami’s daughters would hardly be able to shake off the shadow of her miserable presence so easily. Nyamu almost wanted to take this chance to tell them that living up to Minami’s expectations was always going to be impossible. After all, Minami had other reasons for disliking them, and it went far beyond what she would ever admit to their faces. Mutsumi could be the most brilliant girl in the world, and it would do nothing to lessen Minami’s jealousy of her. It would do nothing to change the fact that Minami thought she was falsifying every action she took.
“A lot of people have high hopes for you, huh?” Nyamu said instead, unable to bring her lips to say those treacherous words. “I guess it’d be hard to live up to it when everyone thought you were going to be a perfect actress right from the start.”
Mutsumi nodded, though she didn’t seem to be thinking much about her skills of performance. “Minami-chan said she wanted me to be an actress when I was younger, but she doesn’t think so anymore,” she murmured. “Ta-kun isn’t around much either. I have to wonder if…” She looked away before she could finish the thought, but Nyamu didn’t need her to say it aloud. She already knew exactly where Mutsumi was going with it. I have to wonder if I did something to chase them off by not being good enough.
To Mutsumi, it could have easily looked that way. If both of her parents were pulling away from her, then she must have thought the blame fell on her shoulders. Any child would wonder what they had done to make their own parents believe they were not worthy of attention or love… But Nyamu knew that was not the truth at all. Mutsumi and Mortis had been left behind because their parents were selfish and cruel. That was all there was to it. Neither Minami nor Takafumi deserved to call themselves parents, and it pained Nyamu to think there was anyone in the world who would so haphazardly hate their own flesh and blood.
“You didn’t do anything,” Nyamu assured Mutsumi with a shake of her head. She knew she was putting too much force into the words and that she was going to rouse suspicion if she pushed too much harder, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop either. “If they’re disappointed in you after everything you’ve accomplished, that’s a personal issue on their part. It has nothing to do with you.”
“That’s what I think!” Mortis exclaimed, and Nyamu jumped at the sudden explosion of noise. Now that Mutsumi and Mortis could communicate smoothly, it wasn’t uncommon for Mortis to jump out of seemingly nowhere. Nyamu still found herself caught by surprise when it came too suddenly though. “I keep telling Mutsumi-chan that too, but she just doesn’t…” Mortis sighed and shook her head. “She doesn’t know what to think of it.”
Even as Mortis spoke of Mutsumi’s insecurities on the matter, Nyamu could tell there was more to it. Mortis was talking about Mutsumi so she didn’t have to share how she felt about their parents, and if Nyamu had to guess, she would have said that Mortis ached for love the same way Mutsumi did. How could she not? It was only natural for a child to want the love of their mother, and yet, Minami twisted that desire beyond the point of recognition. Minami didn’t see that her daughters wanted to love her more than anything. All she could find was resentment in the eyes of someone she should have adored.
“Neither one of you should worry at all about what that woman thinks of you,” Nyamu told them. The heat in her chest was growing too strong for her to ignore, and Nyamu thought she was going to burst if the pressure mounted for too much longer. Perhaps she should have told Mutsumi and Mortis what she had heard from Minami. It was going to hurt them both like hell, but it couldn’t have been any worse than what Minami was already doing to them on a regular basis. “She doesn’t have a right to think poorly of you.”
Mutsumi and Mortis’ features melted together as they stared at Nyamu in shock. Out of everyone in the world, they never expected Nyamu to stand up for them so firmly. Nyamu couldn’t blame them for not seeing it coming. They knew her for the quiet jealousy and love she harbored for them, not for anything even close to defensive worry. It must have seemed so out of character, and yet, Nyamu couldn’t think of much she believed in more than the fact that they deserved better than they had been given. Minami was the monster, not them, and Nyamu would say it as many times as she had to in order to get the rest of the world to believe it.
“I… I didn’t think you would say that,” Mutsumi admitted, her voice so soft that the breeze of the afternoon seemed ready to steal it away. “You two were so close, until…” Mutsumi tried to puzzle out the timeline in her mind, though all she was able to determine was that Nyamu had fallen out of favor with Minami at some point during Ave Mujica’s disbandment. Mutsumi narrowed her eyes at Nyamu in critical investigation. “What happened?”
She was going to have to answer the question, wasn’t she? Nyamu couldn’t skirt around it forever when all of this had already done so much damage to Mutsumi and Mortis. For all she knew, it wouldn’t matter that she was going so far to keep it a secret. Mutsumi and Mortis had lived with Minami for so long. They had to have at least an inkling of an idea of what their mother thought about them. “She…” Nyamu sighed sharply, hoping that momentary distraction would buy her the time she needed to come up with a better answer to their fears. It did not. “She told me she thought of you as a monster.”
Mutsumi and Mortis didn’t seem all that shocked by Nyamu’s words. They stared at her with grief glittering in their golden eyes, but there was not so much as a trace of surprise to be found. “I see,” was all Mutsumi said in response. She had known this for a long time. She must have. Minami was an actress as part of her career, but not even she could hide the contempt she had for her daughter. Minami’s hatred for Mutsumi was so great that it could have led to all her years of work buckling beneath her, and she didn’t seem to notice it at all. If anything was going to splinter Minami’s progress, then it was going to be her jealousy. It would not be her daughters somehow surpassing her with a talent they had never shown an interest in pursuing; the burden would fall entirely on Minami’s shoulders, and she would have to sleep at night knowing she had ruined her own life.
Nyamu had come to that conclusion on her own quite some time ago. She wouldn’t be able to sit in the darkness waiting to find the confidence to confront those who she thought may have been better than her. If she wanted to make this into her career, then she had to get out there and claim it for herself. She had to take charge of her own life. If Nyamu let her fears of Mutsumi and Mortis drive her to hide, then she would be no better than Minami, and she had to be better than Minami. Her envy could wait until later. She knew what she had to do in the meantime.
“I don’t agree with that at all,” Nyamu declared before Mutsumi or Mortis had the chance to inquire on the matter. “I can’t stand the thought of a woman who would say something so horrible about her own daughter. Families are supposed to love one another, and…” Nyamu’s fingers clenched into fists, leaving behind crescent imprints in her palm. “She hasn’t done a thing to earn the title of mother.”
When Nyamu thought about Minami, her mind naturally drifted back to her younger siblings. They were all related by blood in this life, but Nyamu had to wonder what it would be like if they had not been bound in such a way. Even if her siblings had been born into some other family, then Nyamu would still want the best for them. She knew the world was cutthroat, but she wasn’t going to do something as drastic as condone abuse. If any person in the world dared to mistreat her siblings, then Nyamu was going to do everything she could to stop it. That was what family members were supposed to do. Minami’s refusal to do something so simple left Nyamu halfway tempted to punch her and scream at her. If her career wouldn’t end the second she did it, Nyamu would have considered it in more detail.
Mortis offered Nyamu a small smile, and all of a sudden, they were closer than Nyamu had thought possible. Mortis’ fingers wrapped around Nyamu’s for the first time off the stage of Ave Mujica. Sakiko had written a few intermissions about the dynamic between them in reality, but it had all been performance. Right now, Nyamu knew there was no show. There was only her and Mortis, close enough that Nyamu could see the old remnants of tears at the corners of Mortis’ eyes. Mortis was close enough to see every flaw Nyamu had ever tried to hide, and yet, Nyamu wasn’t afraid. “You’re nicer to us than she is,” Mortis remarked. “I’m glad we have you in our life, Nyamu-chan.”
Nyamu blinked down at Mortis before she ripped her gaze away from the other girl, unable to bear it for longer than a few seconds. She couldn’t say she understood why Mortis was so grateful she was there. Nyamu had ruined Mutsumi’s life by exposing her. Mortis should have hated her for that. Mortis doubly should have hated Nyamu for what she said before Ave Mujica’s reunion show. Nyamu had admitted back then to being jealous of them. She had confessed that she hated just as much as she loved, and yet, Mortis was there anyway. Nyamu had made her peace ages ago with the fact that her confession would never be reciprocated… But if it was that simple, then why was she there with Mortis now?
“I still think about what you said before that show,” Mortis admitted, and Nyamu knew what she was talking about without needing to ask. “You really said you loved Mutsumi-chan… No one ever told her that before.”
“It wasn’t just about Muuko,” Nyamu cut in. “It was about you, Mortis.” It hadn’t been Mutsumi alone who completely changed the way Nyamu looked at both herself and her career. Mortis had been a pivotal player in it, arguably an even stronger influence than Mutsumi. When Nyamu expressed her feelings that night, she had been hoping Mortis would be the one to hear the words. Nyamu hadn’t cared much for either one of them when they first met, or at the very least, she couldn’t say she felt much beyond what she thought she would be able to use them for with their celebrity status.
Oh, how quickly everything had changed. Ever since that day when Mutsumi collapsed onstage, Nyamu had been full of such deep love and hatred. She loved so much that it felt ready to ruin her… And there was no situation that made Nyamu feel closer to her own destruction than thinking about Minami. Mutsumi and Mortis had gone through so much at the hands of their mother, and Nyamu wanted to defend them from it. She could have so easily abandoned them and agreed with what their abuser thought of them. Instead, Nyamu was surer than ever before that there was love inside of her heart. There was something other than jealousy lurking within her, and Nyamu… Nyamu wished she knew what she was meant to do about it.
Mortis stared at Nyamu in surprise, blinking once and then twice in the silence. She couldn’t seem to stand looking at Nyamu anymore after that, and Nyamu couldn’t decide how she felt about that outcome. “No one has ever wanted to give me something before,” Mortis murmured. “Everything was always about Mutsumi-chan first and foremost… That was who they thought the only real one was.”
Nyamu shook her head. “I wouldn’t have said it to you if it hadn’t been primarily about you, Mortis. I can tell the difference.” Nyamu had thrown herself headfirst into research about Mutsumi and Mortis’ condition as they began to talk about it more. She couldn’t seem to hold herself back from wanting to learn more about them. The ache to understand refused to leave her be until she pursued the truth all the way to its natural end. Nyamu thought she knew the difference between Mutsumi and Mortis better than anyone else as a result, and if she had meant those words for Mutsumi, then she would have said them to Mutsumi.
“I know what people think about me,” Mortis said next, looking up at the sky like a bird with a broken wing who yearned to fly. “They think I’m just a distraction from Mutsumi-chan. No one understands that this is our life together, and that’s not going to change… But they hate me for being here anyway. I didn’t think anyone could care about me. I didn’t think it was possible for you to… To think that way about me. I thought it had to be for Mutsumi-chan.”
“No… It was about you,” Nyamu reiterated. “I care about you both, but… You were the first one who truly captivated me.” Now, Nyamu found herself fascinated by them both. There was no loving Mortis without loving Mutsumi or vice versa. Nyamu wished other people were willing to see that truth for what it was, but it seemed impossible to convince them of at times. Everyone had already decided Mutsumi was the only one worth talking to, and in doing so, they were missing out on so much beauty in the life she shared with others.
And Nyamu was certain there were others. Mutsumi and Mortis may have been the ones out the most often, but they were not the only ones. Every once in a while, Nyamu could see a few others who peered out through the mask. They all went by the name of Mutsumi since they had never been given the chance to become anyone else, but Nyamu knew they were capable of more. If they were only allowed the time, they could have thrived and grown into the people they were meant to be. Nyamu didn’t know if she would be enough to convince them to open up, and even if she had been, she knew it wasn’t something she was meant to do. Until she was able to solve her jealousy issue, she couldn’t push this too quickly. It would come in time if it was meant to happen, and Nyamu was willing to wait as needed.
“I don’t understand that,” Mortis admitted with a shake of her head. The motion was so small that Nyamu wouldn’t have even noticed it if she hadn’t been so close to the other girl. “No one has ever been kind to me like this before. They all think I’m just a bother, but you…” Mortis looked up at Nyamu with a frown. “I don’t understand you, Nyamu-chan. You exposed Mutsumi-chan, and you forced us to unmask, but… You’ve been kinder than most other people we’ve met. I don’t know how you can do it.”
Nyamu’s lips naturally pressed into a frown of their own, and all she could think to do was offer them a jerky shrug. “I’m just telling you how I feel.” Nyamu couldn’t say she entirely understood her emotions, but she was confident she wanted to be with Mutsumi and Mortis in some form or another. Whether they accepted her feelings or rejected them, Nyamu could at least go on saying she had done something with the ache of miserable love in her heart. No matter how it ended, Nyamu knew she would be by their side going forward, and she hoped it wouldn’t just be as a bandmate.
“But it doesn’t make any sense,” Mortis went on, her frown only deepening with each passing moment. “You unmasked Mutsumi-chan in front of everyone. You were friends with Minami-chan. You know she doesn’t like us. She told you that we were a monster. You can see right through us, but… But you still want to be here. You care about me. You want to know who I am, and you don’t hate me for keeping you from Mutsumi-chan. I don’t know how you can just… How you can just act like that.”
“I’m not sure either,” Nyamu admitted. It would have been so easy for her to be lured into the trap of hating Mutsumi and Mortis. Given all that had happened between them, it was a miracle Nyamu hadn’t come to resent them from the depths of her soul. Nyamu could have hated the wealth they were born into and how much it contrasted the life she had lived previously. She could have taken her jealousy of their talent and run with it until she believed every word Minami said about them. She could have continued to push away everything she learned about them and believe they were lying with each action they took. There were so many ways Nyamu could have come to hate Mutsumi and Mortis…
But she hadn’t fallen down the wrong path at all. She had pressed onward through everything, and now, Nyamu could say with certainty that she loved them. It may not have been the love she had read about in fairy tales as a child, but it was love nonetheless. There was nothing other than love that could define the outlandish choices Nyamu had made. There was no other word for what she had done to run from Minami’s shadow at the first sign of her mentor’s hatred. Nyamu’s career would have been set for the rest of her days if she had only listened to Minami back then, and yet, she had not. All Nyamu did now was love and hate, and she couldn’t say she wanted it any other way.
Mortis continued to watch Nyamu for another few moments, and Nyamu couldn’t help but find her confused frown to be helplessly adorable. Even when thinking about how complicated her emotions were, Nyamu never stopped thinking about how much she adored Mutsumi and Mortis. Minami would find her sickening, and that was just what Nyamu wanted. “I don’t know if I’ll ever understand you,” Mortis finally decided to say. “I don’t know how you can love us. I don’t know how you can love me.”
“Me neither,” Nyamu admitted, and Mortis’ eyes widened in shock and confusion. “You remember what I told you before, don’t you? It’s not just love here. I can’t consider it love alone right now. If I’m going to say that, then I have a lot of work to do.”
And Nyamu wanted to do the work. She never would have expected she wanted to on the night she first confessed her feelings, but she knew it to be the case regardless. Nyamu didn’t want to spend the rest of her days so jealous of Mutsumi and Mortis that she couldn’t stare to look at them. She wanted them to bring light to her life without any other strings attached. She had a long way to go before she would be able to fully chase away her envy, but Nyamu would try.
Hell, she was already on the way to pushing through it, wasn’t she? The fact that Nyamu was trying to act again after she had thought her fear would keep her out of the field forever was a major step in the right direction. Nyamu could have given up, but she didn’t want to surrender her future to girls who had never asked for it. Mutsumi and Mortis wouldn’t want Nyamu to give up on her dreams simply because she was afraid of them. Nyamu had to prove she was worth more than her fears had told her, and the best way to do that was to crawl out from the darkness of the shadow she had trapped herself beneath.
It had been her own insecurity that had turned down all of her opportunities. Mutsumi and Mortis hadn’t been in the running for the stage play job Nyamu had rejected. The mere thought of them had pushed Nyamu over the edge, but she wasn’t going to let that be the case forever. She could make a different life for herself, and she knew she had to. What better way was there for her to stop envying them than to prove she was worth something in her own right? Nyamu was already making progress in evolving beyond her previous doubts, and one day… One day, she knew she would think of all of this as little more than a distant memory.
One day, Nyamu would be able to love the way she wanted to. In the last few months, Nyamu had been able to spend more time with Mutsumi and Mortis, and her affection for them had grown. She no longer only watched them for the sake of studying a superior actress. She didn’t look on at all they did while wishing she could be better than them. She found something endearing in even the smallest of their actions. Nyamu learned all of their habits because it brought her joy to know them. She wanted to be able to tell the difference between Mutsumi and Mortis, and she wanted to convince the both of them that they could matter even when the world had never given them the chance to believe it.
“I don’t think you have as much work to do as you believe,” Mutsumi said, and Nyamu realized the other girl had been staring at her with those striking golden eyes again. At one point, Nyamu found Mutsumi’s gaze to be intensely uncomfortable, and she squirmed each time she was pinned beneath Mutsumi’s attention. Now though, Nyamu found something about it comforting. There was a tinge of fondness at the corners of Mutsumi’s eyes, and Nyamu wanted to chase it until it consumed her. “I don’t think you hate us as much as you say.”
“But I…” Nyamu tried to begin, but she bit her tongue again a moment later. She was hardly going to tell her crush just how ugly and horrific her thoughts could become when she let her dread consume her. On her darkest nights, Nyamu wondered what worth she brought to the world of entertainment when she was not the best. How could she ever make her family proud when she was not already perfect? Why was she there when it would never feel like enough to satisfy the bottomless abyss for more in her heart? Mutsumi and Mortis had sent Nyamu into a downward spiral whether they saw it at the time or not. Nyamu’s life had completely changed when she realized the truth of her past: she had been a large fish in a small pond back home. When she departed for the ocean, she was nothing, and she feared she would never be anything more than the speck in the blue she recognized herself as when she stood beside them.
Mutsumi shook her head, refusing to hear any of Nyamu’s excuses. Even if Nyamu had been able to explain just how deep her jealousy went, Mutsumi wouldn’t have let her say it. “You’ve been kinder to us than most others,” Mutsumi went on. “Not everyone is so nice to Mortis. There’s a reason she thought the love confession was for me and not her. Nothing… Nothing has ever truly belonged to either one of us. Mortis has had nothing ever since she was born.”
“That’s not true,” Mortis argued a moment later, though her voice was weak from the weight of her emotions. “I had you, Mutsumi-chan.”
Mutsumi’s lips creased into a frown. “You know what I mean.” For a time, Mortis hadn’t even had Mutsumi. That had been the core conflict that caused Ave Mujica to disband, hadn’t it? Mortis and Mutsumi had been at war with one another, unable to salvage their relationship in a world that made their shared existence so deeply confusing. It was only after the two of them were able to reconcile that their lives began to improve once again, and even then, it had taken time.
Beyond that, there was only so much the two of them could do to support one another. Nyamu knew the reason they existed the way they did. They had been through significant trauma before they were old enough to understand it, and so, they were split apart to console one another through it. One little girl would not be able to bear what they went through, so they had no choice but to become two and then three and then an infinite number beyond that. They supported each other as much as they could, but all of this had started because no one else had been there for them. Mutsumi was right; they truly had nothing, and Mortis had even less since the world refused to so much as acknowledge her.
Nyamu really hadn’t understood them at all when she first met them. At the time, she had been certain they had everything a person could ever want. They had fame and resources beyond what Nyamu could have ever imagined she could claim for herself. They could have done just about anything with their lives, and everyone who admired them would have applauded the choice… Or so Nyamu thought. Now though, Nyamu knew the truth for what it really was. Neither one of them had joy. There was no other explanation for their mind existing in the way they had come to understand. They could have had all the advantages in the world, but it could only go so far when they had been pushed to the depths of such horrific despair. There was a reason Mutsumi had been invited to join Ave Mujica as one of the dolls. It had not been a mere coincidence that Sakiko thought she fit in the concept of the band, and Mutsumi hadn’t been invited exclusively because she was Sakiko’s childhood friend.
“But we’re not alone anymore,” Mutsumi said, and she looked up at Nyamu. “Things are different now.” Even though Mutsumi didn’t say outright that they had others like Nyamu to support them, Nyamu could hear the words ringing in the back of her mind. Nyamu knew she didn’t deserve to be considered any kind of support for them though. She had been given the choice to help them or hurt them countless times, and she knew she had made the wrong decision. How could Mutsumi and Mortis’ standard for care be so low that they truly thought Nyamu of all people loved them?
“I don’t think…” Nyamu tried to protest. Even if she wanted to snuff out the hatred in her heart, she knew she hadn’t gotten there yet. Mutsumi and Mortis may have thought Nyamu loved them more than she was willing to give herself credit for, but in Nyamu’s mind it remained complicated. She didn’t know how it couldn’t be complicated given the circumstances. “I don’t think you entirely understand what’s going on here.”
“We know enough,” Mortis assured her with a shake of her head. “I can’t say we entirely understand how you feel, Nyamu-chan… But it would be wrong to not do something about it when we know we feel something too.” Nyamu realized Mortis was standing right in front of her and that they had somehow wound up just in front of the Wakaba mansion. Had Nyamu truly gotten so lost in Mutsumi and Mortis that she lost track of the rest of the world while walking with them? She supposed there was no one else who could steal her attention and her breath away quite like them, but Nyamu still thought she would at least be able to keep an eye on what was happening around her without being pinned in like this.
Mortis elevated herself onto her toes, and she leaned in to press a kiss to Nyamu’s cheek. A million and one thoughts raced through Nyamu’s spiraling mind, and a million and one emotions swelled in her racing heart. This must have all been some kind of dream… But if it was a dream, then it wouldn’t have felt so real. Nyamu wouldn’t have been able to reach one hand up to her cheek and feel the small damp spot that had been left behind by the kiss. She wouldn’t have been able to feel the breeze blowing against her skin. She wouldn’t have been so acutely aware of just where the kiss had happened either.
Nyamu looked past Mutsumi and Mortis as they both stared at her, waiting for some sort of reaction or reply. Nyamu didn’t offer it immediately though, instead staring at the towering silhouette of the Wakaba mansion just behind the girls she loved so deeply. Minami lived there. Minami avoided this place because her daughter was there so often. Mutsumi hid away in the darkness because she had been born into such an unfriendly world, and Minami took it as an attack that her daughter wanted to avoid her and everything that surrounded her. Mortis had been forced to stay there alone while wandering through psychosis on the heels of Mutsumi’s disappearance, and Minami hadn’t come to check on them once.
At one point, Nyamu would have found the mansion to be a sign of everything she wanted in life. She wanted to prove she was worth something, and the best way for her to do that was to get all the money she could ever imagine spending. She wanted to live out the rest of her days with her feet up and a powerful career behind her. She wanted to have the power Minami so effortlessly tossed around in order to further her position in the entertainment industry. Visiting the Wakaba manor for the first time had been a pivotal moment for Nyamu, giving her so many chances in her field and helping her to truly step into the light for the first time. She realized then that she could be more than an online persona. She could make an entire life out of this, and she could be just like Minami.
But much had changed since then, and now, Nyamu couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be like Minami again. Minami was an abuser who cared nothing for what happened to the rest of her family. Minami’s words had pushed Nyamu even deeper into her despair while also giving her newfound clarity for the future. Minami was the monster, not Mutsumi and Mortis. Nyamu could never want anything that would prove she had something in common with Minami. She could never let herself sink so low that she was willing to hurt others in the name of her own career. She could never hurt her family just to push herself a few steps ahead.
Nyamu knew the entertainment industry was brutal. She had been acutely aware of it even before she left home, and she knew she would have to be cutthroat if she wanted to prove herself worthy of what she knew she deserved. Still, Nyamu couldn’t stomach everything Minami had done to make her way to the top. Nyamu would never do what Minami had even if she thought it would give her opportunities unlike anything she could have ever accomplished on her own. Minami had become everything Nyamu ever wanted to be… But now, Nyamu wanted to become everything Minami could ever despise.
Nyamu wasn’t certain if Minami was home or not by now since she had to take a different route after fleeing at the sight of her daughter. The chances Minami was there were slim unless she knew some shortcut that Nyamu had never heard of. Even so, Nyamu hoped with everything she had that Minami was there as she leaned in, grabbing Mutsumi and Mortis’ face and pressing a second kiss to their lips. Mutsumi and Mortis gasped at first before returning the kiss, melting into Nyamu’s touch. Nyamu wrapped her arms around their shoulders and back a moment later, wanting them to be close more than anything. The fact that they were only touching lips was beyond frustrating to Nyamu, and she wouldn’t let it stand for too much longer.
Mutsumi and Mortis pulled away when their breath began to grow short. Nyamu’s chest heaved in the minimal space between them, her face flushed from both embarrassment and a lack of air. Nyamu couldn’t care how ridiculous she looked though. She had expressed what she needed to, and that was all that mattered anymore. Mutsumi and Mortis had said what they needed to as well, and Nyamu was certain she would spend the rest of her night thinking about what all of the details of that kiss could have meant.
For now though, Nyamu could say that she knew Mutsumi and Mortis really did care about her in return. Even after she had admitted to loving and hating them so much that it threatened to rip her apart, they wanted to be there by her side. They could have taken that as a cue to walk away and never come back, but there they were, so close to Nyamu that she could see every tiny shift of their gaze and every soft breath they drew in. It was intoxicating, and Nyamu doubted her love for them would somehow dissipate once she managed to power through her envy. She never would have imagined these two would be the ones who captivated her so deeply, but Nyamu didn’t want it any differently. There was no other world she would rather live in than this one.
“I hope that one day… We can both be free of the things that hold us back,” Mortis whispered. Her fingers drifted up to Nyamu’s cheeks, and she brushed one thread of purple hair away from Nyamu’s reddened face. “The truth is, Nyamu-chan… I’m a little jealous of you too. Your family seems wonderful, and they care about you so much… You’re so free. I wish that could be me.”
Hearing that Mortis felt similarly to her left Nyamu’s chest threatening to cave in on itself. The world could have crumbled on top of her then and there, and Nyamu wouldn’t have been surprised in the slightest. Nyamu never thought she had anything that would spark jealousy in anyone around her, and yet… She was all Mutsumi and Mortis had ever wanted to be. She was free.
But was she truly liberated? Nyamu was still so envious of Mutsumi and Mortis that she had to fight for months to get her strength to audition back. She didn’t know what it was going to take for her to rebuild her confidence completely again. Nyamu felt so much for them both that it made her miserable, and she was certain that sentiment would only deepen as she got closer with all of the other roles that called their stage home. Nyamu was trapped by her emotions just as much as Mutsumi and Mortis were, and she needed to find a way to escape. For the sake of her love, Nyamu had to break free, and she had to make something new out of her life.
“I guess we both have a lot of love and envy then,” Nyamu murmured. She let her own fingers drag across Mutsumi and Mortis’ cheek. They were everything she had ever wanted both for her career and in her personal life… But Nyamu couldn’t fully embrace them yet. It wouldn’t have been right when she had so much she still needed to work through. “Things will be different the next time we kiss.”
Mutsumi and Mortis’ features relaxed into a smile. “I’m glad there’s going to be a next time,” Mutsumi admitted. She seemed halfway tempted to lean in and press a kiss to Nyamu’s lips, but she knew it wouldn’t be right. They both had a long way to go before they would be able to fully consider what they had love. One day, everything would change for the better, but until then, that moment would be all the motivation they needed.
“Of course,” Nyamu assured them. She looked past Mutsumi and Mortis at the mansion piercing the heavens behind them. Nyamu could see a silhouette moving through the windows by the front door, and she recognized the swish of Minami’s hair as she turned and walked away. So Minami had gone home since she saw Mutsumi on the street. Minami must have gotten back just a few moments before Mutsumi, Mortis, and Nyamu arrived there…
Meaning she had been in a perfect position to see her daughter kiss the girl she had tried to make into her protege. Minami had no choice but to stand there and watch as Nyamu betrayed her in favor of the monster that terrified her so deeply. It was so poetic that it made Nyamu want to dissolve into empty laughter in the street, but she forced herself to remain composed. Mutsumi and Mortis were the ones who would have to face the aftermath of this, and Nyamu was hardly going to make the situation any worse for them.
“Things will be different one day,” Nyamu went on, pulling Mutsumi and Mortis in for a tight hug. “I’m sure of it.” Nyamu may have had to wait until after she got out of high school, but she was determined to get Mutsumi and Mortis out of that manor for the final time. They would be able to start over and make their lives into something they could be proud of rather than merely following what others would have asked of them. Minami would hate that her daughters had strayed so far from the vision she had in mind for them, but Nyamu would be proud in a way she hadn’t thought possible when she first started to envy Mutsumi and Mortis.
Nyamu stepped away from Mutsumi and Mortis, bringing their embrace to an end and starting back in the direction of her dorm. Mutsumi and Mortis remained still on the street, and Nyamu could feel hundreds of eyes watching her through that single pair. It was just the way she wanted it though, so Nyamu smiled to herself as she walked ever forward not just to her room but also to her future.
Nyamu knew Minami would hate her for everything she had done since they fell out of touch, but she couldn’t bring herself to give a damn. In fact, Nyamu spat on everything Minami would have ever wanted from her. Nyamu did not need to see Mutsumi and Mortis as competition. There was no one in the world Nyamu would rather share the stage with. There was no one who Nyamu would rather consider as her rival.
But they wouldn’t be rivals forever. By the time they next kissed, Nyamu would have done something about her envy, and she would be able to consider Mutsumi and Mortis the subjects of her love and nothing more. Nyamu did not need to let them ruin her life when they could enrich it instead. There was more to her world than being crushed beneath the weight of those she thought were better than her. Hard work would take her far, and she wasn’t just talking about her career. It would bring her closer to Mutsumi and Mortis as well, and that was worth just as much to Nyamu.
Perhaps Minami would think of Nyamu as a monster for betraying her to spend time with her daughter instead. Nyamu couldn’t have given less of a damn. If Minami wanted a monster, then Nyamu would live up to her expectations. What else was a performer supposed to do?
And jealousy be damned, Nyamu would always be a performer.