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The pregnancy was hard from the start, it was constant morning sickness. It was constant feeling like she couldn’t get up. But she did. She pushed through because she knew she had to. But Tim was still worried.
She wasn’t herself, she was distant from not just him but everyone. She was excited about having a baby. She told him everyday that she couldn’t wait for their baby to get here but—
He still worried.
He still wanted to gather her up in his arms and tell her it would be okay. That this was just a phase, and soon they would have their baby girl in their arms.
But he didn’t want to push her, he didn’t want to make her fall even more over the edge than she already was.
“Lucy?” He calls. “Baby, I’m home.” He walks towards the bedroom, the door is closed. He opens it and finds Lucy on the edge of the bed. She has her head down and she is taking deep breaths.
“I know you are there.” She says. “I have a bad headache I can’t seem to shake. It hurts when I move.”
“Oh Luce.” Tim says quietly moving over to her and sits next to her. “What do you need?” Lucy head falls into his chest and he’s surprised she’s so close. This is the closest that she has let him be to her.
“I just want this to be over.” She mutters. “I don’t want to feel like this all the time. Like I can’t even do my job without being in pain.”
Tim presses a kiss to the top of her head and then rests his chin on top of her head. “I wish I could make this better.” He says.
“If you were a seahorse you would be the pregnant one.” Lucy mutters and she finally looks up at him. “Male seahorses are the ones who carry the baby.”
“Oh. Maybe in another life.” He says and he didn’t realize he needed that random fact. Lucy rolls her eyes but there’s a smile twitching on her lips. “Other than being a seahorse, what can I do?”
“Tylenol.” She mutters. “And water.” Tim nods and gives her another kiss.
“Coming right up.” He says. Lucy nods and he goes into the bathroom. He grabs some Tylenol and a water bottle. He brings it back to Lucy who is now laying down with a pillow over her face.
“Hey,” he says nudging her a little. She pulls the pillow off and then sits up. He hands her the pills and the water.
“Thank you.” She mutters. She swallows the pills and the turns to look at him. “This is really hard Tim. I feel awful saying this but sometimes I just want this to be over—”
“I know baby.” Tim says softly even though he doesn’t know. Not exactly. “I know it’s been hard. But it’s just a few more months.”
Lucy nods and puts a hand on his leg. She moves it up and down. “I’m so sorry for—”
“You have nothing to be sorry for Luce.” Tim says softly. “It’s going to be okay.” Lucy lays back down and rolls to her side.
He really hopes it will be okay. He really does.
***
Tim wakes up to crying, he rolls over and Lucy is on her side. Her shoulders are shaking and he can hear her. Although he’s pretty sure she’s trying to cover it up.
“Lucy,” he says. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He shakes her shoulder and she freezes and then rolls over. Her eyes are red and bloodshot, her nose is running and tears are falling down her cheeks.
“I can’t do it.” She says. Tim tilts his head at her. “I can’t keep feeling like this.”
“Like what?” He asks softly pushing some hair back. Lucy swallows, her voice still shaking.
“Miserable.” She says. “I can’t. I’m just always anxious. I can’t shake it.” Tim sighs and pulls her into a hug. She curls up in his arms and buries her head in his chest.
“It’s okay.” He whispers. “It’s going to be okay.” Lucy just starts crying again and he doesn’t know what to do.
So he just holds her, for as long as he can. He is telling himself it’s going to be okay. She will be okay.
No matter what.
***
“Why do you feel miserable Lucy?” The doctor asks standing in front of her. Tim is seated off to the side and Lucy is on the table. She runs her hand over her bump and hangs her head.
“Everything hurts. I can’t do my job. I can’t be with my husband.” She says and the doctor turns to look at Tim. “I just want the pregnancy to end. I want this baby. I can’t wait for that but also when this is done—”
“I understand Lucy.” The doctor says kindly. “It’s hard. Sometimes you have an easy pregnancy and sometimes it’s really hard.”
“Yes.” Lucy whispers. Tim shifts in his seat not taking his eyes off her. “I just want to feel normal again. I’m not myself. I don’t know what it is.”
“Well the good news is: you are healthy, your baby is healthy. You are just having severe pregnancy symptoms.” He says. “You still have morning sickness?”
“Not as bad as before but yes.” Lucy says. “It’s mostly headaches that make me want to throw up.”
“Just rest and take it easy.” He says. “You have three more months.” Lucy groans a little and she catches Tim’s eye and then looks away.
She doesn’t want to burden Tim anymore with this than she had to. She already feels bad for making him sit through this doctor’s appointment.
“I think maybe you should talk to someone.” Her doctor says gently. “You seem to have a lot of anxiety and stress so I’m going to recommend some therapy.”
Lucy sighs a little, and Tim rubs her shoulder. It wasn’t what she was looking for, maybe it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
But maybe it was exactly what she needs.
Maybe that’s exactly what she should do.
***
“Just relax Lucy,” Dr. Johnson says kindly. “This is our first session, we can go as deep as you want or not.”
“I want this baby,” Lucy says. “I can’t wait until she’s here but I am tired of feeling….”
“What?”
“Miserable.” Lucy says. “I feel anxious and depressed. I don’t ever want to do anything because I’m in pain. My husband is amazing but I can’t even—”
“Just breathe Lucy.” Dr. Johnson says. “It’s okay. We will get you through this. It’s going to take time you will get through this. Okay?”
“Okay.” Lucy says and she’s not sure if she believes it yet but—
Hopefully she will get through it.
***
Tim waits in the waiting room for Lucy. His leg is going up and down, up and down. He’s not sure what to expect when she walks out.
When the doctor suggested therapy, he was afraid she would say no. He wouldn’t force her to do anything of course but—
He’s worried about her like has been from the start. She wasn’t herself, her anxiety had gone way up. She was worried about this appointment.
The worst thing was—he usually knew what to say to her. He always had it at the tip of his tongue but this time he felt helpless. He didn’t know what to do or say.
He couldn’t wait for their baby girl to be here, one so he could finally meet her and two so Lucy could hopefully feel like herself again.
The door opens and Tim jumps up. Lucy steps out followed by the therapist. Dr. Johnson.
“Hi.” Tim says and he wants to rush over and pull her into his arms. But he doesn’t. Lucy gives him a tight smile, and then turns to the woman behind her.
“This is my husband Tim.” She says. Dr. Johnson gives him a kind smile and holds out her hand. Tim takes it.
“It’s nice to meet you Tim.” She says. “You too Lucy. I will see you next week.” Lucy nodded and she doesn’t say anything until the door closes behind her.
She turns and looks at Tim. “So,” he says. “How did it go?” She takes his hand and pulls him away from the door.
“It went okay.”
“Just okay?”
“It’s not going to be solved in one session Tim.” Lucy says.
“Of course not.” Tim replies, his heart is pounding in his chest. “How do you feel?”
“Hungry.” Lucy says. Tim gives her a look, and maybe he won’t get much out of her and that’s okay. “I hate feeling like this Tim, and I want to get help. Dr. Johnson said women experience anxiety and depression during pregnancy. And after. She said that since I’m having a difficult, complicated pregnancy—” She trails off. “The first step is getting help and I’m getting help.”
“You are.” He confirms and he wishes there was something he could do to make this go away. To make her feel less anxious and scared. “It’s one step at a time Luce. Okay? And I’ll be here every step of the way.”
Lucy nods and gives him a smile, it’s less tight and it makes him relax a little. They continue walking and he is going to make sure he’s there every step of the way.
It might not be perfect.
Everyone struggles, and everyone wants someone by their side no matter what. Tim pulls Lucy to a stop at the truck.
“What?” She asks.
“I’m proud of you.” He says. “I know asking for help isn’t easy.” He knows firsthand what that feels like.
“It’s not but it feels good.” Lucy says. Tim puts a finger under her chin and lifts it up. He can’t say it’s going to be okay, even if he knows it will be. That’s not what she needs to here.
“I love you.” He says simply. She gives him another smile, it’s more real this time and stands on her toes to kiss him.
“I love you too.”