Chapter Text
“...eo”
Her voice came from far away.
“Reo…”
A little closer now.
“Reo.”
Reo shook his head as his vision began to focus. The first thing his eyes landed on was the silver clock sitting on the therapist’s desk. Its crystal base cast the sunlight into tiny prisms across the wall. He glanced around the office. It had warm lighting with shelves filled with books and small plants. On the coffee table, there were small trinkets she had been gifted by patients over the years. Thick blankets draped over soft couches you could completely sink into. This office was the complete opposite of the ones he encountered in his childhood. Compared to those boring, sterile white offices, Dr. Okuda’s office was cozy and inviting.
“Welcome back,” she said as his eyes finally met hers.
She looked at him without any concern but with slight amusement. It’s not his first time zoning out in a session, and she was used to drawing his attention and slowly returning to the matter at hand.
“Sorry. As you were saying…,” he muttered.
“As I was saying, we’ve already dived into your own personal rebellion against your parents' wishes and how you fell in love with soccer. Now that we’re past all the beginning stages of Blue Lock, I want to talk about the stuff you’ve been ignoring.”
Reo sighed as his eyes darted to the left. He knew this conversation was coming, though he didn’t want to revisit all the humiliation he suffered in the second selection. His shoulders felt heavy, as if a boulder was resting on them.
Looking over her glasses, the therapist could see his body tense up. He didn't want to talk about it. He never did.
“Reo, how long has it been since we started together?”
“Uh. I think it’s been like six years.”
“Right, I've known you since you were eleven years old. And you’ve never held anything back in our sessions. Not when you called me in the middle of random breakdowns, or when you needed to vent about your parents, or even when admitting your experience with dark thoughts. You’ve always been so open. I remember you once told me you’ve shared things you’ve never uttered to another person.”
She continued, “You know me. You know how I work. I don’t judge. At just a glance, I can already tell you want to shut down, and I can quite literally see you holding something back. I don’t want there to be a wall between us, Reo.”
Reo breathed out slowly before nodding. “Me either. I need to get some things off my chest.”
“Good. Mmm, where to start,” she said as she reached for her notebook and began flipping through her notes from their past sessions. The front cover was filled with cute stickers that the kids she works with gave her. Reo remembered the soccer ball sticker he gave her. He felt some warmth rise in his chest when he saw it still in the corner, where he had placed it all those years ago.
“Ok, so you once told me that the second selection was the hardest stage for you. And based on your reaction, I’m assuming it had to do with your friend, Nagi.”
“Why do you say that?” he asked curiously.
Without looking up from her notes, she says, “You’re twisting your ring.”
Raising his eyebrows, Reo looks down. He didn’t even notice. “So, what does that mean–”
“You only do that when you’re thinking about him,” she replied.
Unable to deny it, Reo shrugs. After a beat of silence, she continues. “So, when Nagi chose Isagi… what was the first thought you remember having?”
“That I wasn’t good enough,” he replied.
The therapist corrected him. “No, your very first thought.”
The clock continued to tick, just barely drowning out the sound of his heart pounding in his ears.
“I thought,” he said slowly, “...that he wasn’t coming back.”
Memories flashed back as Reo remembered how his heart sank the moment Nagi pointed to Isagi and said, “Then, I’ll join Isagi’s team”. Never in a million years did he ever expect to be separated from Nagi, let alone Nagi being the one who abandoned him. When they first arrived at Blue Lock, Nagi made Reo promise they would always stay together until the end. Did that promise mean nothing?
“I’m the one who found him. That day on those stairs I… I could just tell he was special. He wasn’t just good, he was like a once in generation type of talent. And almost immediately, I could picture the two of us, together, holding up the World Cup. I wanted us to always be together. And I think a part of me thought that if we didn’t have soccer, there was nothing tying us together. I actually thought he felt the same… until he chose Isagi.”
Dr. Okuda taps her pen against her forehead as she says, “Well, I remember you telling me you first saw a change in him after you both lost your first game. That you could tell a fire alight in his eyes, and it looked like he finally began liking soccer.”
“Yeah,” said Reo, lost in thought. “I felt physically ill, you know? When I saw Nagi walk through that door without me…Without even a backwards glance…” He let out a laugh that seemed anything but genuine. “...I remember wondering why I couldn’t breathe.”
His eyes lowered slightly as he thought back. “I think Chigiri assumed I was just angry. Everyone was upset after losing to Isagi’s team. And he and Kumigami also felt like Isagi left them behind.”
He paused. “But I think eventually they realized it wasn’t just that.”
The therapist tilted her head, “What do you mean by that?
“I hated him,” said Reo quietly. “Both of them. Nagi for leaving and Isagi for stealing him. Trust me. I hated myself for hating them. I felt so humiliated.”
“I kept trying to find something wrong with Isagi,” he continued. “I just couldn’t understand what he had that I didn’t.”
He let out a bitter laugh. “What did he have that Nagi wanted?”
After a long pause, the therapist squinted her eyes. “Ok, but let’s go back to something you said. You hated Isagi because he ‘stole’ Nagi. That’s what I’ve been talking about. I know it’s not intentional, but you are still viewing Nagi as your objec– well, your treasure.”
She continues, “When you do that, you give him zero agency. And you project your own motivations unto him. For example, when he left you in the second selection did you ever consider that he just wanted to improve? That this wasn’t him saying you weren’t good enough or that Isagi was better. It could have been a personal decision to get better for your shared dream.”
“No,” Reo confessed, “At the time I didn’t. I even did it with Isagi, assuming he had ill will towards me and wanted to separate me and Nagi. Looking back, he was just as surprised that Nagi chose his team as I was.”
Reo closed his eyes. “I was jealous. I wanted to be the one who brought that fire out of him. The way he looked after we lost to team Z… he never looked at me like that before.”
“But after speaking with Isagi,” she said, “your opinion changed?”
A small smile tugged at Reo’s lips. “Yeah, he was nothing like I expected. I thought he’d be arrogant, but he isn’t. When I talked to him, I ended up saying a bunch of stuff I didn't mean to. He just listened, and afterwards he told me he understood. That he felt the same.”
The therapist places her notebook and pen back onto the side table. Since one of the legs was too short, it wobbled a little, knocking over the pen, which she ignored. Smiling, she said, “Your chameleon ability fascinates me. I watched a few of your matches.”
Reo groans, “Seriously?”
“I watched a few of your matches,” she repeated. “Do you know why you’re so good at copying other players?”
Reo shrugged. “I guess it’s because I’m good at observing people.” His focus drifts toward the window as he sees people across the street walk by. “When I played with Nagi, that was my role. I watched the field and figured out strategies while he scored the passes I sent him. Now that I play differently and have to score my own goals, it just makes sense. I’m a well-rounded player, so it’s easy for me to analyze a skill and incorporate that into my own play.”
Dr. Okuda nods. “That makes sense, but Reo…”
“What?”
Leaning forward, she says, “It's true you're good at observing people’s movements. Their strengths. Instincts. But I wonder sometimes if you’re so focused on copying others, you forget to ask yourself what you want. You see something in someone else that you admire, and learn to become that.”
Reo looked down. “Isn’t that what makes me a good player? It’s the only thing that got me through the third selection.”
“Yes. But I’m not asking if it makes you a better player. I’m asking if you know who you are when you aren’t becoming someone else.”
Seeing Reo pause to think, she continued, “Don’t get me wrong. I think your chameleon ability is amazing. I like the idea of you becoming any color you want to drive your ego. But I’m trying to get down to the root of things. You’ve never properly had a sense of self.”
She sighs. “Do you think that resonates? I guess what I’m asking is, who is Reo Mikage… when there is no Nagi…and without anyone to copy?”
***
Reo thought over everything she said as his feet quickly pounded down the stairs. The cool breeze and partially overcast sky made it the perfect time for a walk home. He had already called Gran, his personal attendant, and let her know he wouldn’t need the limo. He let out a satisfied sigh, knowing he could take his time.
In all honesty, Reo didn’t know how to answer the question. All his life, he had roles and expectations put on him. His parents, though mainly his father, constantly hounded him on what he should do and what he should be. Although his mother wasn’t as hardcore as his father, she still remained passive when the difficult conversations arose. She was the sweet, polite housewife who hated conflict. Well, the problem with that is, sometimes avoiding conflict just makes you complacent. She always knew what desires Reo had deep in his heart, but she never stood up for him, even when it came to his soccer dreams.
Neither of his parents has ever met Nagi. And so far, they haven’t attended any of his games. He got the usual excuses of ‘I’m busy with meetings’ or ‘something came up.’ But at the end of the day, he knew the truth. Soccer was never in the cards for them. And until he got back on their timeline and their expectations, Reo could expect empty bleacher seats for his entire career.
After walking for over an hour, Reo found himself back at a hill he and Nagi used to ride their bikes to after school. Well, it was actually Reo who did all the biking while Nagi lazily sat at the back with his eyes closed and the wind whipping through his hair. When they got to the highest point, they would usually sit and eat. Nagi would play games on his phone, as Reo would just talk and talk. When they were first getting to know each other, he truly believed everything he said to Nagi went into one ear and out the other. But there were times he noticed that Nagi was really listening, and he remembered the things he said.
Since Nagi’s lock off, they haven't seen or spoken to each other. Nagi’s last words, “Become the world’s best on your own,” replayed over and over in his head. Dr. Okuda told him she interpreted that Nagi was telling him to move forward and become strong and independent. But all he could feel was guilt. After Nagi left, Reo ended up blocking him. In his mind, it was his fault Nagi didn’t make it to the U20 team. He spoiled him too much and stunted his growth. Plus, maybe this separation will allow them to grow independently.
“I really hope he didn’t quit soccer, “ Reo thought.
“Sorry, Reo. In the end, wanting to be the world’s best wasn’t as strong a feeling as my fear of being separated from you.”
Nagi’s confession flashed in his head. “No way can I think about that now. I’ll start spiraling again just thinking about how I embarrassed myself on live TV.”
Reo thought back to the hot tears pouring from his eyes and snot dripping as he stuttered out a goodbye to Nagi. Most of which he can’t even remember saying. How humiliating.
Sighing, Reo reached into his pocket for his vibrating phone. Blue Lock was currently on a break, so he doubted it would be Anri or the boys. After another fun day at the arcade, everyone decided to go their separate ways and spend time with their families before returning to the facility.
As Reo clicked open his phone, his heart dropped when he saw the message.
Dad: Get home now!
Attached to the message was a link to a news article.
BLUE LOCK STAR & MIKAGE HEIR’S SECRET PSYCHIATRIC HISTORY LEAKED
Documents allegedly detail years of psychiatric treatment, repeated episodes, and emotional instability dating back to childhood. The Mikage family has yet to respond to any requests for comment.