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They finally have the talk. The one where they sit down and Judith answers all of Debbie's questions. No lies, no omissions, just truth. It is hard and painful, but it is good; and Debbie doesn't leave. Through all of it, she sits and listens. Decades of atrocities, of horrible acts come spilling from Judith's lips in that little bubble of warmth hidden behind her wardrobe, and then they are done, nearly.
"There is one more thing." Judith says, "Compared to everything else, it shouldn't matter." she quickly wipes her cheeks, "But it does. Because out of everything, this is what scares me the most."
"Why?" The word is sharp and wary. Debbie hasn't forgiven her yet, still doesn't trust her; is still waiting for more reasons to leave, but she owes her this. She owes her the truth.
It's still a struggle not to flinch at it though. Judith makes herself look Debbie in the eyes.
"Because it's why they sent me back." she hates how small she sounds. She hates the unsurpressable tremor in her voice that gives away her pain. "Because I trusted them and I told them, and they— they sent me back."
"The people who adopted you?"
Judith shuts her eyes and nods. She realizes her hands are balled into fists when a hesitant hand covers hers. Judith tried to smile at her but withdrew her arm. "Please," she sounded pained.
Debbie looks conflicted, hand suspended between them, halfway reaching out. She swallows thickly and nods, pulling her arm back into her lap. She watches Judith and waits. Judith looks at the ceiling, doesn't want the tears to fall. They are in her house. They are in her home. They sit on the couch facing each other, surrounded by antiques and photographs of family.
"God I can't even say it," she chokes out a laugh. "It's been decades and I can't even say it."
"Judith, you don't have to—"
"I do."
"I shouldn't have—"
"You should. You have every right. I owe you this. Even if… even if it means you leave me." The tears are falling now. They slide down her cheeks and fall into her palms. She takes a shuddering breath. "I like women." It is whispered like an awful confession; like it is worse than all the people she's killed. "Men and women. I always have."
Silence.
Judith stared at her damp palms, refusing to look up. Of course. Of course. It was stupid of her to think it would be different. That Debbie would be…. How could she have been so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid fucking—
"Oh honey."
Debbie touches her shoulder and she flinches, violently, terribly. She only holds Judith closer, arms wrapping around her, holding her tightly. She drapes the blanket the was offered, over the both of them. It was the woven yellow one she had gifted Judith so many winters ago when she saw how sparse her house was; the fake house that is. It was tattered and faded now, but oh so treasured. Sometimes, when she woke up with a scream in her throat and terror in her chest, she would carry it from that room and curl it protectively around herself as remnants of the past faded to where they belonged.
The sight of it only makes Judith cry harder into Debbie's shoulder, Debbie who doesn't let go, Debbie who has heard her confession and stays. Circles rubbing into her back and the soft cadence of Debbie's voice soothing her, makes Judith's racing heart slow.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I lied." She feels Debbie shake her head but she continues. "I hid it from you. It's just another part of myself I warped to be Judith." she said with barely contained disgust.
"You know I always wondered," Debbie said it like they were talking about the weather. "if you… you know."
Judith freezes. "How—"
Debbie chuckles and gives her a look. "Girl, please. We watch Carol every Christmas."
"It is a nuanced examination of society during the fifties!"
"Uhuh." she says in a tone that clearly means she doesn't believe her, then mutters, "You were certainly examining Cate Blanchett's face a lot."
"Hey!" Judith playfully thwacks her arm before burying her face in her hands. "Am I really that obvious?"
They both laugh, then Debbie sighs, sobering for a moment. When she speaks, it's like she's finally realised something. "You can't hide who you are. No matter how hard you try to be someone different, the truth always bleeds through."
Judith watches her now, holding her breath.
"I know you Judith." she takes her hand, face firm. "At your core, I know who you are."
She swallows the thick lump in her throat. "I don't even know who I am anymore."
Debbie squeezes her hand. "You're my best friend. We can figure out all the rest. Together."