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The dysphoria was particularly bad for Suo today. She was a girl and she had the wrong anatomy entirely which fucked with her brain a little. She just wished her inside would match her outside. She sat up out of bed, feet hitting the cold floor as a chill ran up her body. She padded across the room, avoiding looking at the mirror. It was still night outside Rakta or Bacchus were probably still up. Suo was the only one to insist on getting a somewhat decent amount of sleep as she had school in the morning.
She quietly slid out of her room, hearing the sounds of the TV coming from Rakta’s room. She knocked carefully against the door hearing Rakta’s sharp “Come in.” Bacchus was there too. He was sitting on a stool in the middle of the room, hugging a pillow to his chest while Rakta was sitting on the floor on his blue carpet with the tassels. The news was on the TV, nothing too interesting but Rakta and Bacchus seemed to be quite happy watching it together in silence. Suo stood there awkwardly. They may be the closest she had to brothers but she was fully aware that despite that, there was still some…apprehensiveness. “Sun Fei? Can I help you?” Rakta said.
“Helloooo. Earth to Sun Fei.” Bacchus chimed in.
“My dysphoria is really bad right now.” Suo choked out. Her brothers weren’t the type for hugging but she could see their faces soften slightly.
Rakta and Bacchus were the first people to know about her gender-fluidity and they were fine with it. Suo had known that she wasn’t just a boy since forever but after her parents had dumped her at the Red Chanpuru she’d been masking it even more at first but Rakta and Bacchus had very quickly worked that Suo didn’t exactly like being called a boy sometimes and they watched the way she gazed at pretty dresses sometimes and then rejected anything feminine the next day.
She flopped down in Rakta's lap, burying her face in his chest. "I feel so wrong. My body…My body isn't right." Rakta slowly wrapped his arms around her. "I just wanna tear my skin off!" Bacchus looked really alarmed at that and dropped his pillow joining them on the floor as Suo started to cry. Rakta held on tighter while Bacchus rubbed circles into her back. Their little sister was hurting and neither of them knew what to do about it. "Please don't hurt yourself, Feifei." Bacchus said softly.
Try as he might, Bacchus couldn't mask the panic on his face and slipping through his voice. Rakta was handling it better but Bacchus knew enough to know that his older brother was internally panicking just as much as him. "Bacchus and I are staying right here until you want to let go, Feifei."
"My shoulders are too fucking broad. I wish I could just get a knife and slice them down."
"Okaaaay." Bacchus said, pulling Suo on to his lap, rocking slightly like he always did when Suo needed comfort from a grazed knee or a bad dream "Let's not do that. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable in your body and you're allowed to do whatever you want to make yourself feel more comfortable but you will not be lopping off parts of your shoulders because you, my dear sister, are not licensed to do that."
Suo's tears slowed as Bacchus continued his gentle movements "Whoa, she always calms down so quickly with you." Rakta said.
"I could give you the science behind it."
"On second thoughts, please focus on our little sister."
Bacchus gently threaded his fingers through her hair "We love you no matter what, Feifei. We're your brothers after all. Girl, boy, something in between, you'll always be important to us. Any time you feel like this and you need someone, we're here for you. Rakta does get a little cranky if you wake him up in the middle of they night, though."
"Hey!" Rakta exclaimed "Don't go slandering me, you personification of a natural disaster."
Suo snickered. Her brothers' arguing was amusing to her. They'd been having petty fights over nothing important or some off-hand banter for as long as Suo could remember and the sheer ridiculousness always made her feel a little better because she knew that they weren't really upset at each other, they just showed love by being massive pains in each other's asses. "Heey! There she is!" Bacchus said "You feeling better?"
Suo didn't shift from her rather comfortable position on Bacchus' lap but she did wipe away her tears "Tired but way better. Thank you."
"Anytime, Feifei." Bacchus said, not moving an inch either. Rakta reached out his hand to grasp Suo's shoulder. "You can rest if you're tired. We've got you." Suo nodded her head slowly, allowing her body to go limp "Maybe just for a few minutes…" she murmured drowsily. And less than ten minutes later, she was completely conked out.
Rakta cast a glance over at Suo nestled in his arms. Her eyes were closed, tear tracks still visible with puffy eyes and red cheeks but her breathing was deep and even and one hand had a death grip on Bacchus' shirt. "She fell asleep so quickly…" Rakta whispered
"I would guess partially from the crying and the stress and also because you and I both know the ungodly time she gets up. It's no wonder she's always so tired."
"I shouldn't be surprised really. That and the fact that you're the one holding her. You have something special that makes her relax more easily than she does around anyone else. Myself included."
"That may be the nicest thing you ever said to me. You think I can get a 'You're the best little brother ever, Bacchus'?"
"Don't push it."