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Today was supposed to be easy. It was just a regular day of patrolling. Finding lost dogs, getting cats out of trees, that kind of stuff.
Then this street level thug began wreaking havoc with a shiny pink gun. Not even a thug, this tiny man with large white hair and a bushy mustache. Batman chased the criminal down, yelling for him to, “Stop!” It was an awkward chase, the two shooting through random alleys.
Just as Batman was about to subdue him, the “villain” turned into the diner. The same diner that coincidentally was housing Jason, Roy, Dick, and Wally. The thug saw Batman’s line of sight and pointed the thing at the table. Then another, then the other. There wasn’t a bone of strategicism in this loon’s body.
Batman went for the gun as the thug swung it around. “Drop it!” He bellowed.
“Never! It’s my life’s work!” The mad scientist trope died out a while ago. It’s tired, tacky. He hasn’t seen one in eons.
Batman took one more step forward, trying to figure out the best route to get to him without the maniac shooting anyone else. Feeling threatened, the lunatic moved the gun back to the first table, Batman dove into the man’s chest. The gun was accidentally shot, hitting Jason with a pink ray square in the head. Jason went limp, heading falling on the table.
“No!” Batman reached up for his boy. With one hand up off him, the crazy man shot another beam. Roy, who was across from Jason, stood up to check on Jason, making him the other target.
Finally, Batman punched it out of the man’s grasp. “What is this?” He examined it, slamming the criminal into the ground. It was lazily done, the paint chipping off. You’d think if you make a gun harboring something evil that you’d put some effort into its appearance. He moved to repeat it. “What–” His second question was cut off by the sound of mouths colliding. Just a glance back showed Roy and Jason sloppily making out without a sliver of shame.
“Yes!” The scientist cackled. “Love is in the air, Batman! My weapon will send love across Gotham!”
“Not anymore it’s not.” He sighed, elbowing the villain to knock him out. He stood, looking back. Wally and Dick were both trying to get the lovebirds off of each other.
“I love you!”
“I love you!”
Batman groaned. This was gonna be a longer night than expected.
***
How he got through the first night was a mystery to even himself.
It was kinda nice. Bruce didn’t necessarily have the average teenage rebellion with Jason. Sure they fight, but this was something out of a sitcom. Roy was outside of the home, scratching at the door like a dog. Jason sat at the stairs staring at Roy with a pout, pupils overly blown. They were locked in a state of just staring at each other.
It was really weird.
“Jason, come on, I need to run tests.” Bruce tried to pull him back.
Jason planted himself. “No! No, I want to be with Roy!” He reached for the window next to the door. Roy put his hand on it with a big frown.
“You two don’t actually like each other, it’s just the spell.” Thank god it’s a spell. “Come so I can figure out what this is and get you back to normal.”
“I don’t wanna be normal without Roy!” Jason dramatically cried, putting his hand against the redhead’s separated by the glass. “You can’t squander our love!”
“Come on.” Bruce grumbled as he dragged Jason away by his collar. Jason thrashed and cried out.
***
Their best bet was just waiting it out and separating the two. Easier said than done. Roy somehow found a guitar and was singing up into Jason’s window. Side note, Bruce has locked all the windows.
“Baby, ooh, I love you.” Roy is completely tone deaf. He can’t even play the guitar correctly. But Jason was enamored. His hands on his palms, head looking out the window, feet kicking in time with the sporadic strum of the strings.
Bruce stood looking at Jason with an uncomfortable grimace. Horrible to say, but he’d rather all of his kids die than to see them disgustingly in love like this. Actually, no, backpedal, he’d rather be no contact with them all. That sounds harsh but the second hand embarrassment was soul consuming.
“Jason, get away from the window.” He tried to usher the lovesick boy over.
“But daddy I love him!” Jason yelled back. Surely it felt weird even to a spell-drunk Jason.
Bruce could’ve vomited. Maybe he was lucky he didn’t have to deal with relationships with Jason. He wouldn’t have been able to do it. What does he know about relationships? Healthy ones at that.
“I don’t know how to respond to that.” Honesty is always a start. He’d need to brush up on his Parental Advice books, he didn’t usually get to the love section. “Uh, come here.”
Instead, Jason opened the window. It was their very own balcony scene. He reached out, nearly falling out. Bruce had to force him back in.
***
“Bruce?” Tim walked in with groceries. “Why’s Roy outside? And why’s Damian filming inside Jason’s room?”
For the past half hour Bruce decided he was going to take the hands off approach. He couldn’t stand seeing Jason so morbidly infatuated with Roy. He walked out to meet Tim. “Did you leave the door open?” His speech came out stressed.
“Yeah why—“
Roy bulldozed past the teenager, throwing him to the floor. “Jason!” He acted like he was coming back from war, Jason his wife who stayed loyal throughout a treacherous time.
“Roy!”
They met in a kiss. A disgusting, wet kiss. Bruce had half a mind to pull the pair away. Surely the spell only grew in intensity as they came in contact. He was frozen covering his eyes.
Damian stood up, covering his camera instead of turning off. Shock can be detrimental to thought processes. “Ew! Oh my god, stop them!” Damian quivered in uncomfortable disbelief.
Tim sprung into action, trying (and failing) to get ahold of Roy’s arms. He then made an attempt at Roy’s hair. That, thankfully, made them disconnect. “Grab him!”
Bruce realized it was directed towards him and rushed to grab Jason. Jason held his hands out for Roy. “Roy!” He wailed. Every father hates to hear that cry of the banshee people call crying. He’s never raised a toddler nor has he ever had to deal with a child’s tantrum but this was falling close to that sound.
***
They decided to put Jason in one room and Roy in the one across from it. Bruce sat in the hallway rubbing his eyes. Though it was only 5pm he felt like he had just done the longest all nighter of his life. He laid his head against the wall connected to Jason’s door, slowly drifting off in the silence.
A bang made Bruce jump out of his sleep. The second made his back vibrate. The third was when he realized it was coming from the room Jason was in. As he opened the door Jason’s head made contact with his knee. Jason tilted his head back, giving an eardrum shattering whine. “Have you been hitting your head against the door?” Bruce all but whispered in disbelief.
“…Rooooooy?”
“My god…” Bruce slammed the door.
Dick walked up the stairs with a bucket. “I think dumping water on them will be our best bet.”
“What?”
“Think about it.” Typically that phrase is followed by an explanation but Dick just gave him a firm nod. Bruce slowly nodded along.
“I doubt it’ll be that easy.”
“Well waiting it out isn’t working and I can’t take the idea of them being close to each other.”
***
To save water Dick thought it’d be best to throw it on the two of them at the same time. Dick was hiding on the staircase, Bruce was holding Jason’s door, Tim on Roy’s, and Damian was (for some reason) camped out with his phone camera on the ledge of the stairs.
“3, 2….”
Both doors opened. Like bulls, the spell-struck boys ran out and into each other. Dick closed his eyes tightly when the lips of the two met and threw the bucket at random.
It took a moment but Jason shoved Roy off of him. “What the fuck?”
“Jason, what the fuck?” Roy agreed with a light chuckle.
***
“This is my favorite moment.” Damian rewinds to the part where Jason gets drenched in water. “I feel like you aren’t watching.”
“Wow, what an observation.” Jason lay on his phone.