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Y: Sae-san, do you ever feel guilty?
It all has started with that question. That fucking question, which rooted its toxic branches deep of his decayed heart. (Now this is a topic for another fic for sure. But his heart is, obviously, rotten without his dearest person.) The roots have no intention to leave there, and honestly, let them be. Sae would rip his heart off of his chest, doesn't even matter anymore. Was it Isagi's fault- No, Yoichi and Sae were simply talking on Rin's bed. With owl plushies cuddling them. Simple, right.
Y: Whatever I do to distract myself... I always end up thinking about the signs he had. And the ways I could have helped him. Sae-san... There are too many.
Then his voice would be interrupted with soft sobs. Such a crybaby, how cute. Rin isn't that much of a cryer, is he? Wait- he should be using past tense- Was he?...Was he crying here, when Sae was far away and unreachable? Oh- wait...
Y: I just- I just... Can not stand to the fact that... He could be with us... If I was- y'know... If I was more... persistent? If I had succeeded... To reach out and open him up...
S: You know, what ifs are useless.
Was he harsh? Giving that the tune of his voice was just like the one from that night- Oh, God. He did it again.
Sae exhaled loudly as popped up two painkillers, which surely won't work. The ache will kick their asses, because it was currently what it was doing to Sae. Just currently? He doesn't even remember when he last didn't have any aches. Because honestly, the one which has conquered his disgusting heart was messing with his memory enough. More than enough, actually.
Come to think of Yoichi's question...
Does he?
No wait-
Was he?
No, again wait-!!!!!
Wasn't he?
Yoichi said all of these things not knowing Sae was the reason to all of them. Surely Rin was all closed up, because, be honest... Why was he closed off in the first place? Why was he stubborn? Why wasn't he smiling? Why was he non-friendly, relatively rude... It was Sae. Wasn't it? He hold that boy's tiny hands. He looked at those shiny yet rotting eyes. He talked with the timid voice. He teached him so many things, and none of them were good. Apparently, they weren't enough to keep him alive.
It was totally, definitely, utterly Sae's fault that his baby brother killed himself.
Because it was Sae who he was following. Rin always had him, in his world. Beside him. In front of him. Behind him. Sae tried to end that, to make Rin himself. A person- But it was backfired, apparently...
It shouldn't have-
It wasn't his intention-
He would never hurt Rin-
He always wanted him to be happy-
To be loved. To love. Not like Sae.
Though, now... Sae wished Rin would have ended up like him, at least alive-
What a fucking selfish thing to even consider, Itoshi Sae.
You are used to being selfish, though. Should be easy for you.
For example leaving Rin... For soccer.
For something you are not even happy about.
And obviously not good at it.
Not enough.
You have abandoned your dearest for something like soccer.
And he killed himself for that too-
Did he?
What was Rin's why?
Rin didn't even talk about them.
Sure, he yapped a lot in his letters.
Yet, even a single tear from Itoshi Rin was not there.
He didn't let himself be open and vulnerable. Even while dying. Even while pouring himself to the sea.
They always loved the sea, didn't they... Even Sae himself used to look at the sea and dream about his hometown. Kamakura. But it wasn't actually Kamakura. It was Rin.
He was a kid back then. Lonely, homesick and isolated. And had his dreams crushed, bled in front of his scared eyes. No one to hold onto- nothing to lean back... All he had was sea. Rin. Honestly, it won't be any different after this. Because Rin Itoshi's dead, lifeless, soulless- body was found in the sea. Just beside the shore.
They used to share a fucking ice cream there- It wasn't fucking okay that Sae saw his brother's dead body there- HE SHOULD BE ALIVE. HE SHOULD BE ACTING ALL GRUMPY- NOT FUCKING DEAD.
And most importantly- not because of Sae...
So he kept doing.
Itoshi Sae kept wandering around his neighbourhood. Just besides the sea, which furiously abuses the shore. Were the waves the punishment of the shore because they held Rin's dead and vulnerable body?
He didn't care about the weird looks he was receiving, and they were getting lesser and lesser each day- It was a normal behaviour to do now. Apparently, 'weirdos' were always like this anyways.
Where did he go?
The Sea... The memorial hold such importance that its presence was even more intense than Sae's grief. So surely it would have his dear, craddling him between those waves... Right? They were mad, crazy, and abusing. But Rin said they were his true self- That would mean he wasn't hurting himself- Oh. That was what Itoshi Rin literally had been.
NO- No...!
Where's my Rin?
Where's my Rin?
Fuck it! The sea could be everything it wants! Hell, it could even take the shape of Rin... It wouldn't be his Rin. It never could.
His Rin has such a pure heart- that would be polluted by his so-gentle words.
His Rin has a weird mind- that match with his corrupted one.
His Rin has a sweet smile- that mirrors his rare one.
His Rin has his own intense emotions- that was overlooked by everyone including himself.
To the point he had drowned in them.
His emotions have wholely consumed him- and that was his end. Itoshi Rin's death was surely by his such intense emotions.
Where'd I go?
Where'd I go?
And perhaps that was why how Sae always end up beside the sea-
It reminds me of Rin.
No one would love to see the way he runs down the streets in his episodes- in his attacks. Which he can not even feel his body cooperate with him.
His feet could be broken, that's for sure. But he wouldn't even care if that means it would fuck his brains out when he fell.
A woman always on the street called me a ditch
"A ditch on my block, " she said
He wouldn't even care about the others. He couldn't care less. They weren't Rin. Rin wasn't here. He won't be-
That was how Sae's brain had evolved after that. The way his arm had wrapped themselves around the cold, cold and cruelly cold, wet body belongs to brother of his... The way his suffering eyes had searched for the sweet ones... The way his maniacally pumping heart tried to feel the other- tried to synce like they used to do back then... When they would sleep together and his little night owl would cuddle him to yap... The way his tears had fallen on the tired but not-frowning face... They were all vivid in his fucking damaged brain. That was Sae's why. He carved the scene on his brain- No. They had carved themselves. So Sae could remember and relive the moment like it was a film- on a fucking giant cinema screen. With special effects to amplify his hearings... His smell... His blurry eyesight... Even his touching, hell... The cold body's memory would burn his fingers and set fire to his icy heart- Weren't the Sae fiery one and Rin the icy one back then? Why does it feel like he was the dying one...
I just want my mind to be a clear glass
Clear glass with nothing in my head
Honestly, he was lost. He doesn't remember the last time he used his voice. All he remembers was that... It was hitched- cracked. The last memory of Sae with his voice was about... How it resembled Rin. And how Sae didn't want to use it more after that. He wasn't much of a talker, never. However, after losing his brother, it became a burden for him. A life-time burden. Just like how he said Rin was one. Though, a voice wasn't a must... Right? Can't he cut his fucking tongue off? Can't he pierce his fucking vocald cords? Can't he?
He thinks he can. He would find a sharp knife- to make it less painful? Fuck it- maybe a rusty scissor? God, wouldn't it be fun to suffer even more?
He would slice his tongue while looking at the shattered, bloody mirror with these nasty gazes-
GOD- Don't even start about his eyes! His fucking same eyes... Just the lashes- which were always the sign of his lack of luck- were the different features. Apart from that- he can even see the rotten souls of them. They've shared a soul too- Wait... The eyes!
He cried- Of course he did. Yet, it was never enough. He didn't have his eyes bled from tears- or dry. Not from tears. He kept rubbing his slim fingers over them... He used the sleeve of his sweaters... Only to deform the skin- the irritated skin would protest with whines and screams only to Sae ignore them. Only to Sae keep fantasizing about carving them... He never tried that one, though- Why?-
Wait- the souls! The eyes were windows to the souls... Which they shared both. Their decayed and miserable souls were visible through their pretty and bewitching eyes. Only a fool could be trapped, though. And that fool was grieving Sae.
The only think is left from Rin was simply himself. Which was the Sea and Sae. Rin was never about any other things, anyways. He never had a self, right?
Sae couldn't- Sae wasn't able to handle it. He was fucking drowning in his grief and no one was able to see... Well, except for Rin.
Since they shared a soul and its window, surely Rin would be able to see Sae... Which Sae never did for Rin...
Was it really fair? WAS IT? IT FUCKING WASN'T.
I keep thinking, "Surely, somebody will save me"
At every turn, I learn that no one will
It was grief of the dearest soul of Sae's current life. The soul he was sharing a piece of, the soul of he was attached to, the soul that was attached to him, the soul which always snuggled to his chest, which their synced up hearts pumped together, the soul of the memories they have shared, the soul of the eyes they are known for. No one would and could see past through those pretty teals and witness their agony, though. It was simply how grief works. Sae had to swallow that truth by now... With the thorns ripping the tissue of his throat- and having him pitifully wish to get his vocal cords destroyed... Then he had to digest it with terrible stomach aches. Not classic ones would justify nor save the grief process, though! Do not be fucking naive. The retch would mix with your blood- and who knows... Your blood may be flowing down your wobbly lips in the form of sorrow as the retch would poison your veins. And then you would bite these veins only to make them bled- Not with knife since you have teeth. What a tepid thing to use a knife! Being savage and wild requires using teeth to destroy, to hunt down.
And grief is a mission to hunt yourfuckingself down.
Then Sae's favourite side of the grief, here is!
The vomitting hell.
Your whole organs would bled and hide it inside your weak, pathetic body. Veins wouldn't care about your blood anymore, because they would be tired of being bitten.
How funny, everything but you get the chance to rest? Sae was tired from being fucking bitten by grief, however, there wasn't even a single cloud him to turn his sorrow to rain on it...
The blood, which has made itself comfortable inside, would rebel when you want to pour it outside. Would make its way to the heart- only to attack it with the disgusting pressure of grief... Was it even possible for a heart to be fucking drowned in its blood?
...
At the end, Sae does feel guilty.
Where's my Rin?
Where's my Rin?