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Drip... Drip... Drip...
Was it the blood?
Was it the tears?
Of Itoshis.
However it was, it belongs to Itoshis.
Though, there was a problem.
Blood was the youngest's, while tears were the oldest's. Even after, though, they will all infect the older. Because with his limp body was still bleeding to the death soul he already was, no way there was to infect Rin further. He was already infected, and was taken away.
He was infected by his own intense emotions... which were self-directed. The rage, the hatred, the coldness... And for Sae's soon-to-kill-Sae emotions, they were Rin-directed as well. No way in this life the teal owl could rest, it seems.
Even in his way to the eternal sleep. Now his moveless body was limp between none other than his brother's shaky arms.
Sae wasn't a weak man. In both ways- That was why he couldn't understand the tremor of his arms. Conquering even his bones, clattering them together as if to break themselves. No, they can not be broken. Not at the moment. He was still holding his brother- his dear. He was still trying to press their chest sticked to synce up their rotten hearts.
And with every not-so-hopeful, useless and agonizingly long silence... He lost it more and more. He was losing it, and there was nothing to do.
As the blood pools under their body, he was still pathetically trying to stop the bleeding. Hell, Rin's wrists were another messes by themselves! He just tried to pressure on the cut on his stomach, though. His blurry eyes were coding a program to make things better. They were analyzing every single information that could help him- looking through every hurtful things to damage his brother further so he can preve-
Sae, do you think he could be hurted even more?
He died, Sae.
You killed him.
Yet, you still acted like you were trying to save him.
While your shaky hands were all covered with his blood.
His still hot blood.
And I don't talk about just that day.
Sae, you always had his hot, warm blood on your hands.
Didn't you?
Sae felt a retch- he can feel the bubbling poison up his throat. But it is not like he could just throw up on his brother's dead body-
Rin's corpse.
He has Rin's bloody, bleeding corpse between his arms.
A throat-rippingly loud scream echoed inside the empty room, which delivered his amplified sorrow back to Sae as if he doesn't have any currently.
As if the metalic, disgusting smell of their shared blood wasn't conquering their childhood room. Wasn't torturing his nose, wasn't burning his eyes, wasn't messing with his brain chemistry...
As if the warm liquid wasn't luring his scared teal eyes on the open wounds. The skin was peeled- even ripped off. The blood was soaking onto the old and new scars and shining them as if showing off to Sae. Look, it is not the first time, Itoshi Sae. And the ripped tissues show him all the insides Rin was hiding. The anger was just under his skin- now being washed by the blood. And then- under the second tissue there was his loneliness. Though it wasn't being washed like the anger. The blood won't going to wash it away. The blood will pool it in, will fill it to the fullest. Rin was alone while dying too. He was alone while killing himself. And Itoshi Sae was late.
'Dont leave me, Rin. Don't leave me alone... I didn't want to leave you... Don't let me leave you alone, now.'
Sae's trembling pupils were craving the open wounds into his own fucking scarred brain. They were real. Rin did this to himself. It wasn't really different from the ones Sae had opened on Rin's heart, though. Were they, now? Sae, want to answer us?
No... No...-
Wait. Why was he even remembering these?
...
Because he was reliving it. Not like that exact moment- But the situation. Shidou. Ryuusei. His dear boyfriend. Was laying on his arms, not trying to snuggle to him.
Oh.
He has killed Shidou too.
He felt like his brain was getting squuezing with a hand of a villain from Rin's favourite show. He can just feel it, the way one of its hands were piercing his brain. While the other hand was squuezing his life and blood off of his heart. Making the liquids slip on the brain it was shattering to the pieces. Making them soaked with Sae's sorrow. The sorrow he has been carrying for a long time.
His every being could feel the liquids, none of them were safe.
None of Sae's beings were safe from grief.
His mourning times were being slowed down and it applies those clocks to keep torturing Sae.
How nice.
Do you think that's it?
Do you think I wouldn't take your other heartbeats from you?
Sae can't even open his mouth to protest, to talk. Once again, when did he talk to have a nice thing anyways...
But, please, not Ryu too. Don't... Don't make Sae... let be alone again.
He won't be able to stand it...
Who said you will and need to?
You just need to live, and you will.
The grief will be sure to torture yourself.
?: Sae... Baby, Sae... C'mon.
The familiar and soft voice has blended with his own inner voice. Which was the opposite. Always cruel. Always impatient.
But when the cold body's feeling left his skin- there was a warmth of a familiar beating heart.
...
However, the other voice didn't give up. Yet.
Do you think I wouldn't take your other heartbeats from you?
Or it did, and it was only Sae...
The feel of bigger hands craddling his face- he opened his teary eyes to a dimly-lighted room. First thing he thought was... Rin wasn't here. And won't be. Rin was dead.
Then he saw his boyfriend. Ryuusei Shidou. He wasn't dead!...... Unlike Rin.
After this, the third thing he noticed was his poor state. The way his tear, sweet, saliva have all blended together as his clothes and bangs sticked to his body... He hated this feeling. He hated... He hated...
He was pulled onto a tight hug. Tight. To let him feel secure. Feel loved. Feel not-alone. Which Rin never had any.
R: Baby, Sae-chan... Sae... Look at me, hm?
Ryuusei craddled his wet face again. Swiping the clingy locks back and letting Sae breathe easier.
R: Let me see your pretty eyes...
The soft tune made Sae slump his tensed shoulders as his half lidded, due to exhaustion, eyes finally had the courage to make eye contact.
And they were greeted with his favourite view: Ryuusei's sweet smile with all of his teeth visible. Silly, stupid, stupid man.
R: That's my Sae-chan. You look beautiful, want to exchange numbers?
Sae silently leaned to the hand whose thumb was caressing his now relaxed face. He wanted to laugh, maybe giggle... But couldn't. He was tired. Of these repetitive nightmares who haunt him so realistically he believes more each time. The way Rin's warm body and blood soak his dry heart- Shidou's closed eyes burn his icy heart at the stake every time-
Then he felt another hand on his hip, caressing his sweated-cold waist under the shirt. The warmth... It was safe. Protective. Securing.
R: I am here, pretty. I am not going. Okay?
He kissed Sae's now visible forehead as the shorter man was zoning out.
R: Feel me, I am here.
He positioned Sae on his lap, he knew this was the most comfortable position for his suffering lover. Because Sae is able to cling him all he wants like this.
Sae's thighs were squuezing the taller one's as his arms tightined around his neck. Shidou's hands were all wandering on Sae. Their warmth was relaxing as they slipped under his shirt.
R: Let me...
With Sae's small nod, Shidou took off the damp shirt to let Sae breathe even easier. He knows his boyfriend gets easily overwhelmed by them. Especially in this state. Rin was like this too, and he knows too well both of Itoshis.
Shidou was starting to feel even more tense, though. Because Sae wasn't relaxing. Ans this usually means...
R: Sae. Sae.
His soft but urgent tone didn't change anything. Sae was dissociating. It was obvious from the depth of the teals. Their shades have darkened to something lonely. Those eyes could only be belong to someone who is isolated at the moment. Isolated and trapped in the middle of their minds.
R: Hey, dear... Look at me. Just eyes are enough.
Here they are. A subtle shift, and Ryu smiled.
R: You are doing so good, sweetie. Can you blink at me three times?
And here are the blinks, however, they were messy. Maybe they weren't because of Shidou's instructions and Sae happened to be blinking... He needs to be sure. His hand patted his boyfriend's damp locks.
R: Look at me, Sae. You need to see me. Please.
A nod- little but there.
R: That's it. You are here, I am here. We are here, okay?
He tried to hold Sae's hand, yet, he had no any back moves.
R: Sae. Baby...
And that was it. He couldn't hold Sae with him. He has failed to pull him back in time. So what's left for Ryuusei was... to simply hold Sae.
As dusted pinkish hair fell on his chest and Sae's eyes were still just teal blackholes- Shidou simply hold his dearest. He pressed their chests together so Sae's uneven heart could synce up with his. Ryu knows it means so much for Sae. And currently he was all alone there, who knows where, and probably was being tortured by not anyone else but himself.
Ryusei bit his lips, he tried to ignore his own tears as snuggled to his smaller love. Yet... He could cry, right? Not like Sae would know, anyways... He still tried not to hold Sae too tight. He also was careful about not being too loose. He was here for him. Shidou Ryusei was here for Itoshi Sae. Also for Itoshi Rin.
And those tears were only an ordeal him to suffer through it for the rest of his life. Alone, hidden from the familiar two pairs of teal eyes. He silenced his whimpers by burying his face on Sae's shoulder. Then he placed Sae's head on his own shoulder, took a look at the position only to confirm Sae was able to breath... And he will be crying himself here. And won't be sleeping. In case of Sae returns.
He will wait.
Ryusei will wait for Sae to come back.
...
His unresponsive eyes have opened to a familiar scene...
Surprisingly. It had been a long time since Sae last found himself in the funeral time.
His wrinkled suit was already choking him- making him want to vomit all of his blood. Then he can be with Rin... Just a maybe, though... He was sitting just beside Ryusei as the guests were making their ways to his parents. No one approaches him because he was always the cold kid. The cold child. They just share their pitying gazes on Sae and whisper each other 'poor thing' like Sae can't hear... Screw it, he really doesn't. Still Shidou held him close and helped him through the whole ceremony.
Sae didn't talk to anyone.
Sae didn't look at anyone.
Sae never interacted with anyone.
Even with himself. He was all numb, and there were no any other emotions or thoughts. He didn't even think about Rin. Wasn't he supposed to? I mean, he was looking at the portrait they have placed beside the casket. With flowers adorning... Yeah, whatever.
He only took two sips of water Shidou gave him. No foods, though. He didn't want to throw up in the middle of the funeral. Because the way foods smell beside his nose made him question his existence...
The way his stomach burns and swirls-
R: Okay, just water. Slowly, okay? Take slow sips for me, baby.
And that was it. Sae only had two sips of water with Ryusei...
Then Shidou was gone just a little. To greet the blue lock members who were attending. That was when Sae had his senses open, all open. Like they never were. And never will. For his whole life.
'Sae was with him, I heard. How come someone can't save their little brother.'
Now, Sae was NOT the type of a person to give a single fuck about the others. Or their useless and worthless thoughts. Especially about Rin. His baby. His brother. His other half. When it is about Itoshi Rin, he does NOT play.
Maybe it was the fire of the moment... Or the situation he was in, and will be.... Maybe his numb state....
But it fucking hurts. He felt the reaper's sycte pierces his heart, ripping the veins and making a bloody mess by painting all over his insides. The way ripped veins then started to wrap themselves around his crazily pumping heart... It was unbearable. So much that he felt himself falling- only to be held.
?: Stay with me, baby-
...
The sunrise was just about the corner when Sae blinked and saw Ryuusei looking down at him. He blinked once, twice... Then there was it. The precious smile.
R: Welcome back, sweetie. How are you feeling?
Sae tapped the chest he was laying his head onto twice. That meant and pointed a positive answer for them. Thus Ryu's smile only got wider and softer as he kissed Sae's forehead.
R: I am glad, Sae-chan. Want to go to sleep? You must be tired.
Surprisingly... Sae shook his head, and Shidou tilted one eyebrow.
R: Okay, then... Whatever you want.
There was his Sae, snuggling to him... And finally...
S: Not... tired...
R: Oh? What a nice new you have for me. My lil' lover.
Sae rolled his eyes playfully as he had Shidou's countless kisses to his face.
S: Ryu.
To the low calling, Ryusei hummed.
R: Yeah?
His fingers were idly playing with the dusty pink locks. That was nice. Sae leaned into the touch as closing his eyes. His own fingers were playing with the hot pink locks also.
S: I have opened my eyes to the funeral.
Ryusei didn't stop and just kept caressing the lock while humming, encouraging Sae to keep talking.
S: I... Remember when... I fainted... It was... I heard... Somethin'...
R: What did my love hear?
S: 'Sae was with him, I heard. How come someone can't save their little brother.'
Ryusei has stopped. His fingers have stopped. His blink. Hell, Sae even felt like his heartbeat.
S: Uhm... Someone... I dunno who... Hell, maybe it was all my inner voice...
R: Oh, my baby...
Shidou craddled Sae and tightined his embrance- Ryu knows Sae is crying at the moment. So he was careful not to cover his again wet face.
R: You are a not the perfect brother, no one is. But trust me, you are the best brother for Rin. He says that himself, you know.
His heart aches as Sae tried to bury himself on Shidou's chest and lap even more as getting his head petted.
R: And, listen to me. Never, ever, nor will be, or was... His death is your fault. You hear me? You are not the one to blame. No one is...
S: I didn't want Rin to leave me... Don't leave me... I didn't want to leave him... Ryu, he sould have not let me leave him alone again...
Sae's now loud sobs made Ryusei bit his lips again. He can not cry, he can not cry...
A whisper. A broken but sweet whisper. And a soft tug of his hair on his nape.
S: Dumb Devil... Just cry with me...
Who was Shidou to deny his love?