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Surgery.
The word rang through Saki's mind like a bell tolling out for a funeral.
Surgery.
Three syllables that pronounced her fate. Pain. Suffering. Everything had already been so difficult, hurt so much, and now they wanted her to hurt more. For the sake of her future, they said, but did she want a future at all if she had to go through such a thing?
Surgery.
The word was engraved into her mind, her very soul, and it spread, poisoning her with its awful promises.
Surgery.
Isolation from her family for a week because they said her immune system would need that time to recover enough to have a few visitors. Ichika wouldn't be allowed to see her for at least a week if not two or three more. Honami and Shiho might not even know that she was undergoing such a thing; Saki hadn't heard from them in a while.
Surgery.
She'd only agreed to it because her parents had encouraged it. If given the choice, she... didn't know what she would've chosen. The secret third option, her friends, most likely, but they must've been so busy if they hadn't visited in months. Exams, maybe, but it was only November and those weren't for another month or so, and they would've last taken them in July. Maybe Honami had started going to cram school? That didn't seem like her, though. Shiho- bass practice wasn't that time-consuming, so maybe they were just being overly concerned for her safety? Ichika still visited at least once a week even when she had too many things going on. But surely Honami and Shiho had their reasons. They wouldn't just abandon her like that.
Surgery.
If she'd had it earlier, would she be in class right now, passing notes to Shiho because she was bored and they were willing to indulge her silly wishes even if they'd scold her for it at first? Would she have spent even her second year of middle school with them, enjoying her youth? She cursed the doctors for their speed and varied treatment plans and at the same time she hated that they had concluded that it was necessary for such a thing to be needed at all. Maybe Shiho would call her a hypocrite and they would be right.
(She wanted everything she couldn't have and 'everything' had only three names.)
The very thought of it made her shiver though she was not cold. Falling asleep against her will, a countdown from ten that would never finish. Someone's hands cutting tears in her skin, giving her something that was not hers, donated by another who had some to spare, the nurses saying she needed it to live (but she was already alive, she was not living but her heart pounded in her chest all the same) and handing her a pill after she woke up, saying it would need to be taken lest her body reject that which it had been forced to take. Another medication, another debt owed, not by her parents though they did have to pay quite a bit but to her soul, she hated all these things they made her take and had her do, she wanted to be free of them but would she ever?
Surgery.
Saki lay down in her bed (it was not hers; it was not hers; it was not-) and looked up at the ceiling. A false star looked back at her, pink and paint and perfectly wrong.
She didn't want it.
Everyone said she needed it.
The funeral bells, tolling out the only word the doctors thought would save her, grew louder and louder in her ears until she heard a voice.
"Saki?" Oh, her saviour, dressed in flannel, jeans, and an old sweater, come with flowers and maybe candy. "Saki, is everything alright?"
She couldn't move; her body felt like lead and she hated it, she wanted to get up and cling to Ichika, her knight, her saviour, the one who could sneak her out of this place, she was trying to fight it but she couldn't, she couldn't, nothing she did worked. "No," she said. Ichika's face fell. She placed the bouquet on the side table and sat down in the chair next to the bed.
"What happened?" she asked.
Saki found the strength to sit up. She felt so small in this place even after so long. Her hands were shaking, her heart was pounding, she felt as if she was going to be ill. "Closer," she whispered. "I need you."
Ichika glanced back at the door, then slipped her backpack off her shoulders, left it on the chair, and climbed into the bed next to Saki. It was tight but they fit, holding each other so closely, pressed up against each other because the bed hadn't been designed for more than one person. Saki had to lie back down; she didn't want to spend much time not cuddling Ichika anyway. She tucked her head into the crook of Ichika's neck and wished she could stay there forever. Ichika's hands around her were the only protection she needed, the only warmth she would ever desire. "Saki, I... I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, Icchan." Saki felt her racing heart slow down. She tried to calm her breathing too, her chest rising and falling in sync with Ichika's, counting the seconds between each breath.
Ichika didn't respond to that. Instead, one of her hands moved to trace circles on Saki's back, and she began to hum a soft melody. Not one Saki was familiar with, but a beautiful one nonetheless. They stayed like that for a while, Saki clinging to Ichika with everything she had, and Ichika doing her best to comfort Saki despite how difficult that was. Saki didn't tell her everything, to let her know how much she had been hurting.
There were tears on her face; for how long had she been crying? Saki let the sobs escape her lips; they'd be muffled anyway. Ichika's humming turned to words, the lyrics to some song Saki had heard her sing before. (Perhaps Miku had sung it too?) The words were gentle, reassuring. She changed the pace of the circles she traced to match the song, and for a second Saki wished Ichika had brought her guitar (banned) because she likely knew how to play the song, too, based on how confident she sounded. Though... Ichika couldn't hold her like this if she was playing guitar. That was the only negative about it.
Saki would rather be in her own bed at home, but besides that, she would be content to stay like this for a while if not forever. Ichika's voice sounded so beautiful, her arms chased away all that could hurt, and she was warm, oh so warm, unlike everyone else in the building that Saki saw regularly. Her heart rate was normal now, she could think clearly, her breathing was slow – she was alright. Because Ichika was here, not because of the false reassurances that everything would be fine from her parents and the doctors and nurses. They could not predict the future; they wouldn't know if everything would be okay and she couldn't trust them, not now, not after everything.
(only Ichika could make her feel this safe, only Ichika and Honami and Shiho but they weren't here right now so only Ichika could)
"Better?" Ichika asked.
"... a little," Saki admitted. "I'm scared, Icchan."
Ichika tucked a stray strand of Saki's hair back behind her ear. "Scared?"
"... they want me to have surgery." Her voice shook. "And I- I don't know if I want that. It- I- Icchan, you'd- couldn't come for weeks, and..." The tears were back. Saki tried moving closer to Ichika to push them away. "I want you, Icchan."
For a second, Ichika pulled away, and Saki had the urge to plead with her to do anything but that. Then she changed their positions so they were closer and resumed her circles on Saki's back. "Saki, I promise I'll stay by your side." Had she ever said it out loud before? It had always been implied, ever since they were little, it hovered over them like some sort of guardian, but rarely did they admit it. "Forever. If that's what you want."
Was it right to ask her to promise such a thing? "Forever."
"I promise."
"Then I'll promise too, Icchan." Saki held up her pinkie finger. Ichika entwined hers with Saki's. "Staying together."
"Until the heat death of the universe."
"... that sounds like a long time. Of course."
Ichika disentangled their fingers, then brought Saki's hand to her lips. "It's perfect."
(of course it was, it was Ichika here, she was always so amazing)
Saki didn't have to say anything for Ichika to understand most of the time. Ichika pulled her closer and began to sing again, this time a little louder than the last. Halfway through the third song, Saki began to sing along with the parts she remembered, harmonizing as Ichika lead her to the final chorus and taking over the melody for an instant when Ichika stumbled over her words.
They fit together so well. Saki hated entertaining the very thought that Ichika would leave.
"I don't want to hurt anymore," Saki whispered.
"I'll be here to help you feel better."
Oh, how Saki wished the doctors would allow that. "Thank you, Icchan."
"Anything you want, Saki, I'm here."
"Cuddles."
Ichika laughed, some sound from the heavens, and moved her forehead to rest against Saki's. "As you wish."
She had to leave, she always had to leave, the hospital didn't allow her to stay overnight and Saki was left with the memory of her warmth, her lips, her hands, her hair, her voice. The tolling returned, the thoughts returned, she didn't want it she knew she should accept it but she didn't want it. The dinner she'd been able to eat with Ichika's arms around her suddenly threatened a reappearance an hour after she'd left and her own reflections didn't look familiar in the mirror. A broken girl, absent-mindedly smiling, her heart bleeding for a past she had never truly had, a present that only caused her pain, and a future that tempted her with joy only to trip her while she walked her path.
The toothbrush in her hands wasn't hers, it was Tsukasa's sister's, it didn't belong to Saki as far as 'she' was concerned, when she placed it in her mouth, she wasn't doing it, she was just standing there; her arm was moving on its own and she was the mirror the wall the sink the door her skin was not hers, it felt wrong against her pajamas like she felt a snake might.
One finger tapped the mirror but was it hers was she trapped in the mirror; would she exist if they moved it? A heartbeat relentlessly pounded in her ears, or her mirror's; she took a step and all she could see was her reflection, the toothbrush fell from her hands into the sink.
The mirror girl spat out her toothpaste and when Saki looked down she had too. A hand reached out to turn the tap off (was it hers was anything hers was she herself) and her other hand gripped the mirror, tried to rip it from the wall but she didn't think she wanted that, she just wanted the mirror to be gone, she couldn't break it, it wouldn't move, she couldn't break it-
Saki took a step backwards, brought her hands to her sides and then just up enough to see them shake with almost robotic intention (she was fine she wasn't shaking she was fine, fine, fine). The girl in the mirror matched her movements exactly so she turned around to shut her out. One step away two steps away why not run away why not run-
Control. That was what she needed. Control over her mind and her body and everything and she didn't have it. Her clothes weren't right, her hair wasn't right, she was a puppet on a string and she was the puppeteer, following her commands as the girl in the mirror did her movements. Three steps. Four steps. The doorknob broke off in her left hand and reformed in her right and the lights turned themselves off and the floor rose up and fell down up down up down up down she spun around knowing what would happen but her legs didn't move, she was stuck, stuck, stuck, since when was she breathing this fast?
The sink fell to meet her as her body finally lost to her nausea and her mouth could not act as a last defence she needed to clean up or else they'd say she was sick, sick, sick, and Ichika wouldn't be allowed to visit and that was unacceptable.
Ichika, she needed Ichika, she needed only one person (it was three she was lying it was three) and the mirror girl would take her away, she turned on the tap and the water washed her sins away it always did that was just what it did.
Saki glanced down at her shirt, it had gotten dirty, a minute later it was in her laundry basket and another was resting against her skin (it wasn't her skin she should rip it all off she should really-).
The bed wasn't where it was, someone had moved it but it was in the same place, yet Saki managed to get herself and she disappeared under them, this wasn't happening, she wasn't real, this wasn't real, she was with Ichika in her bed at home and this was a nightmare, this wasn't real, it couldn't be, nothing this awful could be real.
If she closed her eyes and fell asleep she would wake up there, in Ichika's arms, where she belonged, she had to believe that, she had to, or else how would she survive?
Surgery.
(run far, far, far away)
Surgery.
(no, leave, no, leave, no-)
Surgery.
(no one would care if she cried herself to sleep again, they wouldn't, no one ever did)
Surgery.
(so she cried, and the mirror girl cried, the world cried, and no one listened.)