Work Text:
Kazuma had said before that a demon lived within him. If that was true, then Barok surely was no different—at that very moment, his demon was in complete control of his body and mind.
It had started with a confrontation on the streets that night. As they left the office, they were surprised by a drunken man armed with a knife, who came to Barok with the intent to kill. Certainly a lowlife who had accepted that job for a few coins… It wouldn’t be a first.
As that man jumped at them with that blade in hand, instead of running or defending himself, Kazuma’s first action was to cover Barok like a shield. Barok could remember that moment as if part of him was frozen in time, still wondering if that man had managed to harm his apprentice—and if so, how gravely.
The wound on Kazuma’s neck turned out to be no more than a scratch, thank God. But only thinking about what could have happened if that blade had hit him with just a little more strength, or slightly inclined to the wrong side, was terrifying. Even after he and Kazuma were safe back in his home, that horrible feeling refused to fade; images of worse outcomes rushed through his mind, the cold fear growing and spreading as if trying to devour him whole.
And then the fear turned into rage.
He was the one to yell first, and Kazuma responded in the same tone. From there, things only got worse, their words sharper and angrier every time, taking the form of things Barok didn’t mean to say—and he had a feeling Kazuma felt the same way.
“Should I have let that man kill you, then?” asked Kazuma. “Is this what you really wanted?”
“I have survived all these years without your help. What makes you think I need it now?”
“I don’t think you need anything, I just can’t stand when you disguise your wish to die as concern for my safety!”
“And how are your actions in any way better than mine?” Barok retorted. “Or do you think you will find peace if you harm yourself to protect me? Did you think this was an easy way to free yourself from the guilt you feel? Your idea of how to compensate for your past mistakes?” He stopped, a bitter taste filling his mouth. “Was giving yourself new scars no longer enough?”
Kazuma flinched slightly at those words, and that was how Barok knew there was truth in his assumptions.
“I didn’t think—”
“This is the problem, Asogi,” Barok continued in a cold voice. “You never think before you act. You never take into consideration those around you. You simply act selfishly, without a care for consequences. And then, you try to push the blame on someone else.”
He wished he could take those words back. But Barok couldn’t even stop himself from saying those things, only able to watch it happen, feeling like a prisoner in his own body while that demon took control.
Kazuma inhaled sharply. “I just wanted to keep you safe! You’re right, I didn’t think about anything else, because all I cared about was stopping that man from killing you!”
I know… I understand.
“Perhaps you should have let him,” said Barok. “It would make things much easier for both of us.”
“And you still dare to tell me I am the selfish one?”
You’re not. You never were.
“I do.” Barok narrowed his eyes. “How do you think your father would feel, seeing you throw your life away without a second thought?”
“How am I supposed to know? You—”
Kazuma interrupted himself, averting his gaze.
Stop.
“Finish it.
Barok’s cold words made Kazuma look at him, his face suddenly devoid of emotion.
“You took him away from me,” he muttered.
As much as he knew it was the truth, hearing Kazuma say it stung more than any wound. But his body didn’t care, showing only the hint of a bitter smile.
“You have finally said it.”
“You made me say it,” Kazuma retorted. “All you ever do is use me as a tool to atone for your sins. Don’t you pretend to care about me, when the only thing you ever wanted was to ease your guilt and feel better about what you did to him. Because no matter what you do, you will never earn his forgiveness. Or mine.”
I know you don’t mean this. I didn’t mean any of it, either. I truly care about you, more than anything in my life. I want you to understand this… I want you to—
“Is keeping me alive your cruel idea of revenge?”
A brief but heavy silence extended between the two of them, deepening that already palpable distance. Kazuma turned his face away.
“If this is how you want to see it, then suit yourself.”
He turned around, moving toward the front door. What was left of Barok’s consciousness screamed desperately for him to stop Kazuma from leaving, knowing that, if he didn’t, things would never go back to how they were supposed to be. He tried to move, and was relieved to realize his body listened to him, approaching Kazuma, holding him by the arm.
“Asogi, wait—”
As if startled by his touch, Kazuma turned around, violently shaking his arm free.
“Don’t touch me!”
It happened way too slowly to feel real. Kazuma’s fist hit his face, making Barok stumble backward until his back slammed against the bookshelf. A few books fell around him with dry thuds, and he raised an arm to protect his head.
“Lord van Zieks…!”
In a moment, Kazuma was standing before him, though Barok’s disoriented mind needed a second to fully understand what had happened. There was a light tickle on his nose, and he instinctively raised a hand to check on it: it was blood, a thin red trail leaving a stain on his glove. He looked at Kazuma, who stared at him in silence—through Kazuma’s widened eyes, Barok could see something shattering inside him.
For a couple of seconds that felt too long, they could only stare at each other, unable to say a word. Kazuma stepped back, retreating toward the stairs until his heel touched the first step. With a sharp inhale, he rushed upstairs, and soon Barok could hear the door to his bedroom slamming shut.
Despite the aching from that blow and the collision, he wasn’t badly hurt. If anything, the argument had hurt much more than the physical pain. With his mind free from the shock, he moved upstairs, to the locked door of Kazuma’s bedroom, knocking on it.
“Asogi… Open the door.”
The response soon came, almost too low to be heard. “Don’t come in.”
Often, Barok respected his wishes when he wanted to be left alone. That time, however, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“Please, open this door,” he insisted.
“You can’t come in… If you do, I’ll just hurt you again.”
“You didn’t hurt me. Open the door.”
“You don’t understand!”
His voice was louder, but also sounded… frightened.
“It’s coming out…” Kazuma continued. “I tried… I tried to keep it locked in, but… I can’t stop it anymore.”
“What is coming out?” asked Barok. “What are you talking about?”
“I can’t stop it… I can’t…”
There was a sound like a sob, soon followed by a long silence.
“Asogi?”
His response came low, almost emotionless.
“I can’t let it win.”
Something about his words made Barok tremble. He didn’t try to reason with Kazuma any further, instead rushing to Klint’s old bedroom, a few doors down that corridor.
For years, he avoided entering that room, which caused him so much grief—a feeling now accompanied by a hint of resentment. Trying to ignore those feelings, he searched the drawers of his desk until he found the extra keys, returning to Kazuma’s bedroom. He unlocked that door, barging inside. Kazuma was on his bed, knees bent against his chest, his head low. Barok rushed to his side, hesitating for a moment before placing a hand on his back.
“Asogi…”
No response. Not a single sign that he was listening or even there at all, his body stiff and motionless like an empty puppet.
“Asogi, look at me.”
He leaned closer, bringing his hand to Kazuma’s face in an attempt to lift it. An invisible force grabbed Barok’s wrist, and he instinctively recoiled from that cold touch.
For the following seconds, he could only look at Kazuma, unsure of what to do. What had just happened? Was that…?
Barok’s heart sank as he slowly understood. Was that his way of trapping that demon? By trapping himself along with it until his body wasted away? Barok’s heart ached: he had been so scared of his own beast that he didn’t realize how much Kazuma was struggling as well. Not until it was already too late.
No, it wasn’t too late. Barok wouldn’t give up on him, no matter the cost.
Barok sat by his side on the bed, observing him. With a deep breath, he brought his hand closer again, this time not moving away when that cold grasp enveloped his wrist and arms, spreading through his entire body, pulling him in. Instead of fighting back, Barok closed his eyes, leaning into it.
“I am not afraid of you.”
And so, he sank into Kazuma, only opening his eyes again when he knew he was no longer in that bedroom. That was a completely dark place, with no sign of where to go, or any path to follow. He shivered, and it crossed his mind that Kazuma often complained about the cold.
Where was he? As Barok started to walk without a course, a familiar voice echoed around him.
This is how it always ends… Even when I think I’m doing something good, I still ruin everything.
“Kazuma?” Barok glanced around the place, searching for the origin of that voice. “Where are you?”
There was no response. Instead, his voice continued to speak in that emotionless tone that so little resembled the strong-willed man he knew.
I know I should have left a long time ago… He would be much better without someone like me around.
Those words seemed to clench his heart. “That’s not true… Where are you?”
But I thought things would be fine… This time, I hoped they would. Because…
There was a low sound, like a humorless chuckle.
Since the day we met, he made me forget about this ugly thing that I truly am.
A long pause, followed by a softer tone.
He made me feel like a human.
The warmth in his words seemed to spread into that place. Barok could feel something different around it: a low, steady sound like a heartbeat. He followed it, and as he walked, shiny dust rose from the ground, rising around him like glass walls—mirrors. An entire maze of blank mirrors, taking form as that heartbeat grew louder.
At first, there was no reflection in them. As Barok continued to run his way through that maze, however, he noticed a figure running by his side—not his own reflection, but that of a young boy just out of his childhood years, with black hair and Japanese clothes. The boy whose life he had ruined.
The boy opened his mouth, speaking in a panicked voice, seeming about to cry.
“What’s happening? Where are you? Mom, dad…”
Barok’s heart seemed about to break. He tried to reach that boy, but all he could do was touch the mirror. So, instead, he spoke to him, hoping he could hear his words on the other side.
“I am sorry, they are not here. But there is no need to be scared… I am here to help you.”
The boy didn’t seem any calmer than before, tears running down his face as he tried to control his hasty breaths. He stopped, sitting on the ground as if tired of running.
“Why did this have to happen…? I want to see you again… Mom… Dad…”
Barok crouched next to him, choosing his words carefully.
“I know no one can ever take their place… But I am here if you need me. I will always be.”
The boy’s cries faded as his reflection disappeared. Barok’s chest tightened with uncertainty as he wondered if his words had reached Kazuma’s heart or not. He kept moving forward until he saw another reflection: a frightened, bleeding, and broken image of Kazuma, speaking in a weak voice.
“It always ends like this… I should have already learned it by now. This is why I shouldn’t trust anyone ever again…”
He shut his eyes, hugging his own arms.
“But I’m… so lonely…”
A feeling Barok could understand too well.
“You can trust me,” he said gently. “I would never willingly betray you.”
Kazuma didn’t look at him, seeming hesitant.
“But what if… I am the one who…?”
His image faded before his final words came. Without a choice, Barok continued to move until he came across a different reflection: an intimidating one, with fury burning in his eyes. He brandished his sword violently, cutting everything in his path in a careless manner, as if destruction was everything that mattered to him.
“It’s all their fault… I’ll make them pay… I’ll make them hurt… I’ll kill them… I’ll kill all of them!”
For a moment, Barok wondered if that was the demon Kazuma had once mentioned, but no… That wasn’t right. Barok could try to tell him that wasn’t who he truly was, but he knew that the angry and relentless man in that reflection was also part of Kazuma. And, for this reason, he couldn’t bring himself to reject it.
“You may hate this side of yourself, but it is still a valuable part of you.” He paused, meeting the burning gaze of that reflection. “I accept your anger as well. All of these sharp sides you are so scared of letting others see… The same ones that have also kept you alive until now.”
“Shut up… Shut up! I don’t want to hear it from you!”
“It is the truth,” Barok insisted. “I just wish I could make you believe me.”
Kazuma stopped, the raging fire leaving his eyes. He lowered his sword, responding in a weaker voice.
“Shut up. Don’t… give me hope…”
He faded quietly. Not far ahead, a new reflection appeared: Kazuma in black clothes, a red headband on his forehead. He smiled brightly, in a way Barok had never seen before.
“Just smile. Just keep smiling. They love you for your lies… Your lies and nothing else.”
His smile faltered, and as he tried to reconstruct it, his face shifted through different expressions as if he couldn’t remember the right one.
“These lies… they are all I have. Without them, I am…”
His smile, his words, all of them seemed a moment away from crumbling apart.
“You don’t need to smile,” Barok said. “You may cry, you may yell, you may show me all of your deepest truths. Even the ones you deem unsightly… I accept all of them.”
That Kazuma blinked, as if the words made no sense to him. He lowered his eyes to look at himself, staying quiet for a long while.
“Is this… Really who I am?”
That mirror cracked, forming a deep spiderweb of reflections, each one similar, but also completely different from the next, their voices overlapping.
Who am I?
Who am I?
Who am I?
The reflections lost their clear shape, melding into a single figure in a black hooded cloak. He raised his head, nothing but darkness in his hollow face.
“Who… am I…?”
The sight was unsettling, but Barok didn’t turn his gaze away. He took a step forward, placing his hand on the surface of that mirror—the closest he could get to touching him.
“You are Kazuma Asogi.”
Like the pieces of a puzzle, small fragments took shape in that darkness, forming the imperfect outline of a face.
“Am I… a horrible person?”
Barok shook his head. “You are flawed and scarred. But there is good in you. Much more than you believe.”
More of those pieces fell into place, that incomplete face starting to take a familiar shape.
“Am I… a demon?”
That question stung him deeply. And still, the answer easily rolled through his lips.
“You are a man, just like me.”
The final pieces spread onto the empty spaces. Kazuma’s dark eyes looked at him, confused but intrigued.
“Who are you…?”
Barok smiled. “Someone who loves you above all else.”
Those words were true. That was a feeling Barok had tried so hard to look away from, and yet, at that moment, he wanted Kazuma to hear them—to know that, with all his flaws and past mistakes, even with that darkness living in his heart, he was still deeply loved.
Kazuma watched him silently for a moment, then closed his eyes, slowly fading away. The mirror turned into bright dust again, opening the way for him: a long, dark corridor with no end in sight. With all those voices now silenced, Barok could finally hear a small, distant plea coming from within it.
Help me.
Without hesitation, Barok stepped into that corridor, hastening his steps the further he went. A long time seemed to pass, and his legs were starting to ache, but he never stopped, not even for a moment. The only thing in his mind was finding Kazuma—nothing else mattered more than that.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know myself.
Those hushed words startled him into halting his steps, glancing around to find their source, seeing nothing but pure black.
And I’m scared of this ugly thing I am, because I don’t know what I’m capable of doing.
Was that… Kazuma? Suddenly, Barok wasn’t sure. Those words… They cut too deeply; they felt too familiar.
All I know is that I always hurt those who come too close to me. I hate it, but I can’t stop it.
It sounded like Kazuma, but not only him. Like two voices reverberating together in that empty space.
Maybe because of everything I lost in my life, but when I truly care about someone, I can’t be satisfied with a casual proximity.
Those words swirled in his chest, seeming to flow inside him like the blood within his veins.
I want to be with them all the time, hold them closely to the point of hurting, and never allow them to leave me behind.
Those were Kazuma’s feelings, but also his own—so deeply intertwined that he couldn’t even tell where one ended and the other began, if there was a threshold at all.
If it were within my power, I would crawl my way beneath their skin and inside their bodies so they would never be able to get rid of me, not even when they learned about my most despicable sides.
“Kazuma…” he called without a response.
But I can’t… So I keep a safe distance, because this desperate urge for proximity is much more bearable than the possibility of a rejection.
So, they pretended to be fine with that distance, while also hoping the other person would reach for them as desperately as they did, too terrified to do it first.
I feel so alone…
And that endless longing, along with all the pain, grief, and regrets they had been through, had turned into something neither of them was proud of. Something dark… Something they couldn’t fully control.
Help me…
They called it a demon, but it wasn’t evil. It had been there for far too long, surviving in the most inhospitable of places while rejected by its own self, desperate for something it could never have. While Barok and Kazuma slowly tried to walk toward the light, it stayed trapped in the darkness, denied the same release. And there, it could do nothing but grow, constantly struggling against the bars of its cage.
It wasn’t evil… It was in terrible pain. And, in its pain, it hurt them back; because that was the world it knew, the only thing it knew how to do. And while naming it a demon, the two of them were unable to heal because they weren’t even aware of that gaping wound. So, they lashed out, they yelled, they blamed, they pushed away. All in an attempt to make it stop hurting, while only making the pain even worse.
They were so alike… That was why it hurt to properly face each other—the living reflections of their very souls.
Help me. Reach me. Understand me. Accept this horrible thing that I am. Love me… Love me, even if it ruins you. Love me as deeply as I love you. Love me…
He was terrified. Both of them were. But even worse than facing that reflection was the thought of losing the only person who so deeply understood him as a whole. He closed his eyes, whispering his response.
“I already do.”
The voice went quiet. A faint light bled into the corridor, coming from what looked like the cracks of a door. Barok reached for it, turning the door handle and walking inside.
He was back in Kazuma’s bedroom. On the bed, Kazuma was sitting in the same way Barok had last seen him: head low, hugging his knees. Barok rushed in his direction, sitting close to him on the mattress.
“Kazuma…”
He called gently, as if his voice could be enough to shatter that man. For a long while, Kazuma didn’t respond in any way; then, his low voice reached Barok.
“You shouldn’t have come after me.”
Hearing his voice was such a relief that Barok couldn’t hold back a slight smile.
“I had to,” he said. “If I hadn’t, I would live in regret for the rest of my days.”
“Why?”
“Because I am a demon like you.”
His words made Kazuma raise his head, wide-eyed. “That’s not—”
“Listen to me,” said Barok in a calm voice. “Like you, I also have these feelings I can barely control. And at times I fail to do so, doing and saying things I deeply regret.”
He brought a hand to Kazuma’s head, gently touching his hair.
“But I don’t want this cruel man to be the one by your side. I want to change this darkness inside me into something else… I want to become a man who can make you happy, who you can trust without a single doubt.”
Barok paused, leaning in Kazuma’s direction, looking into his eyes.
“I know you are going through this same battle,” he said. “I see it every day, and I know how deeply you are suffering because of it. How much you blame yourself for this thing you call a demon.”
Kazuma lowered his eyes. “What should I do, then?”
“Stop hurting it even more. Allow its wounds to heal, instead.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“You can. Trust me.”
Kazuma pursed his lips, hesitating before speaking in a lower voice. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I never wanted to hurt you, either. But I still did. And now, all I can do is try to make things better starting today.”
“Aren’t you scared?”
“Terrified… But I’m even more scared of losing you.”
With that thought in mind, Barok allowed himself to act, gently pushing Kazuma’s hair back, kissing his forehead.
“Stop closing yourself like this,” he murmured. “Talk to me, Kazuma.”
For a moment, Kazuma didn’t respond; then, he raised his arms, placing them around Barok’s neck, pulling him close.
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I,” said Barok. “I didn’t mean any of what I said to you.”
“I know… Me neither.”
They stayed like that for a while longer, allowing that careful but tight embrace to calm their hearts. Only then did they move away, and when their eyes met, a weak laugh escaped Kazuma’s lips.
“You have blood on your nose.”
Barok had also noticed that, at some point, the small cut on Kazuma’s neck had started to bleed again. “You’re not much better yourself… We should take proper care of that wound.”
Kazuma agreed. Barok briefly left the bedroom to retrieve the medical kit, then started the process of cleaning and covering Kazuma’s wound. It wasn’t a deep cut, but Barok still treated it with care, reminding himself that it was the result of Kazuma protecting him. Even if Barok wished he wouldn’t risk himself like that, he would be a fool to deny that proof of Kazuma’s unwavering loyalty.
When he was done, Kazuma used a wet cloth to clean the blood on Barok’s face.
“Is your back fine?” Kazuma asked.
“Yes. The noise was worse than the pain.”
“That’s good…” Kazuma averted his gaze. “I’m really sorry about that.”
Barok was about to reassure him that everything was fine, but before he could speak, Kazuma leaned in his direction, embracing him once again.
“Kazuma?”
“I’ll say this now, or I might never find the courage to do it again.” He took a deep breath. “I would offer my life for you, not because of duty or guilt, or even disregard for my own life… but because living without you would be a fate worse than death.”
Barok opened his mouth, but couldn’t say a word. Kazuma tightened that embrace, lowering his voice as he continued.
“You may not want to hear this, but I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. I won’t blame you if you tell me to leave after this. Or even if you don’t want to see my face again, but…” A small, hesitant pause. “Just for today... Just for a short while, don’t let me go.”
It was rare for Kazuma to sound like that, so… vulnerable. Barok had gazed into his heart, and yet, those words were the ones that made his heart ache as if about to shatter. He was happy, but also terrified of that happiness—that frightened beast inside him cowering away from the light.
But it was fine. Barok would show it that there was nothing to be afraid of. Even if it took a long time, little by little, he would guide it out of that dark cage, so it too could experience that pure happiness.
And he would do it for Kazuma as well. Together, they would make those deep, invisible wounds finally heal.
“You are not the only one who feels this way.” Barok brought a hand to the back of his head, holding it close to his shoulder. “If you worry so much about me, then never suggest leaving me again. Through death or any other way.”
His answer made Kazuma relax. When he spoke, Barok could hear a tiny smile in his voice.
“Alright…”
It made him smile as well—an expression he believed lost until he met that man in his arms.
“Kazuma…”
Kazuma moved slightly away, looking at him. Barok leaned forward, and understanding what he meant to do, Kazuma did the same, closing his eyes. Their lips touched lightly, and while it didn’t last long, that kiss felt like an unspoken promise between them.
“I love you too,” Barok whispered against his lips.
They held each other tightly, a gesture so honest and warm that, despite knowing that a restless darkness still lived inside them, he was certain that, one day, it would find its peace as well.