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"I know it will take time to adjust. I'm also aware that right now everyone is waiting for the first person to take this step." There was shoving in the crowd. John raised his voice. "This is a private matter and a private decision. I will not tolerate anyone who thinks he or she should take it upon themselves to out others or influence them to do so. And to make it easier for those who want to be honest with their friends and fellow soldiers but do not wish to be the first, let me take this pressure off you. I'm gay. Dismissed."
~~
It had been three days since what began as a boring formal announcement had pulled the rug cleanly out from under Rodney's feet, and he hadn't quite regained his footing yet.
Never in a million years had he suspected that Sheppard wasn't straight. And it just... Rodney didn't know what exactly it did to him, but it did something and Sheppard had noticed.
He hadn't said anything to Rodney, but in that first moment when Rodney had stared open-mouthed he'd looked at him with a strange smile, full of recognition and resignation.
Since then every meeting between them had been awkward. Rodney didn't know why he couldn't stop thinking about it. He wasn't homophobic. He couldn't care less about what other people did in their free time as long as it involved consenting adults. It just... Sheppard was gay. And Rodney still couldn't quite wrap his mind around it.
That morning they'd had a senior staff meeting and Sheppard had said "McKay" in a strangely formal way, nodding in greeting and when he left. Rodney had wanted to say something, but the only thing he had been able to think of was, "It's okay, really," which was the gist of what he wanted to say, but the truth was somehow it wasn't okay and he needed to fix this, preferably before their next mission.
When Sheppard saw him, he gave Rodney a measuring look, then stepped aside to let him in.
Rodney looked around as if he'd never been in Sheppard's room. He hadn't prepared a speech, because everything just sounded weird. So he'd come with one goal in mind: To make things right between them again, even if he didn't know what exactly was wrong.
Sheppard crossed his arms in front of him and looked at Rodney expectantly.
"I'm not homophobic," Rodney blurted out, because it was part of what he feared Sheppard thought and what he was sure of about his own reaction.
"That's good to hear," Sheppard said evenly.
"I just... I was surprised."
"Well, now you know." Sheppard didn't move at all and his voice was cold.
"Yes. I..." Rodney trailed off, unable to finish. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" he eventually demanded.
This at least made Sheppard move. He uncrossed his arms and gave Rodney a look.
"Oh, come on. You could have told me. What would I have done? Do you think I have nothing better to do than waste my time doing paperwork to remove you from a job you're perfectly qualified for, for something that has absolutely nothing to do with the way you perform it?"
Sheppard seemed to consider it and then relaxed and actually smiled a bit. "Then what...?" he asked, genuinely puzzled now.
Rodney hesitated. He still didn't have a good answer for that. They'd resolved the most pressing issue now though, so he went with the time honored strategy of denial. "What do you mean?"
He should have known this would only give him as much time as it took Sheppard to raise one eyebrow.
"Yes, all right. I don't know. It's just..." He gestured helplessly towards Sheppard.
Sheppard watched him thoughtfully. Then he straightened and took a step towards Rodney.
Rodney didn't move, but leaned back minutely.
Sheppard sighed. "I'm not gonna jump you in the field, if that's what you're worried about."
"Ha. Ha." Rodney glared at Sheppard. "It's not that." Except maybe it was a little. He lifted his hand and reached out towards Sheppard, not touching though. Maybe that was the thing that had changed. Sheppard wasn't as touchable now. Not that they were touching a whole lot.
Sheppard took Rodney's outstretched hand and put it on his chest. Then he left it there and lifted his own up in the air. "No jumping."
"Yes, I know," Rodney said, moving his hand away. "It's just that...say we hugged, not that we do that except for...ever. But if we did, it would be...different somehow." Sheppard didn't seem convinced. "I mean, it's different to hug women for me," Rodney continued trying to explain, "so I suppose it's different for you."
Sheppard took a deep breath. Rodney didn't think he bought his explanation. "Don't you know any gays at all?" Sheppard asked.
"Of course I do. Peterson is gay. But he's a biologist and an idiot and his being gay doesn't influence it either way, so I couldn't care less. And yes, I've known others, but they didn't...well...mean anything to me."
Now both of Sheppard's eyebrows shot up.
"Yeah, yeah." Rodney rolled his eyes. "'I care about you.' Let's dispense with the jokes."
Sheppard only smirked quickly before sobering. "You're afraid of hugging me?"
"I'm not afraid," Rodney said huffily.
"Okay, but... Why don't we hug, just to get it out of the way. No jumping. I promise."
Rodney felt ridiculous, but this sounded like something that might actually help him get over this thing, so he nodded.
Sheppard stepped closer and then pulled Rodney into his arms. Rodney moved his arms around Sheppard's waist and waited for the moment where his mind would finally settle down.
Only it didn't happen.
This wasn't like hugging Elizabeth or Teyla. It was worse. He was just incredibly...aware of Sheppard's body against him. It was as if every part of his body was singing "I'm touching John". His chest, his hands, his thighs, his groin. Oh God. Was gayness contagious now?!
"Rodney. Relax."
The words were whispered into his ear and the heat of Sheppard's breath seemed to run right into his core and spread everywhere from there. Rodney was fairly certain that he was quickly approaching the freak out that had been not so secretly building up for the last days. That or he was going to embarrass himself any moment now. Either way, retreat seemed to be the best option.
He pulled away. "Okay, great," he said, looking anywhere but at John.
"Rodney."
"Yes, I should..." He pointed at the door and turned towards it, when he felt John's hands turn him around.
"Breathe," John said, taking a deep breath himself to illustrate.
Rodney repeated the action. Oh yes, this was the freak out. He breathed deeply for a while, and when he was somewhat calmer, he became aware of John's one hand on his shoulder, the other cupping his face and the fact that John's face was only inches from his.
In a sudden moment of clarity Rodney realized that if John hadn't promised not to jump and Rodney wasn't straight, this would be the point where they kissed.
John seemed to notice it too, suddenly and pulled his hand away. Rodney didn't want that. He didn't want that at all. And fuck it, John was gay.
Rodney put his hand on John's neck and pulled him into a kiss.
It took a moment and then John kissed back and Rodney's body was tingling again. It was as if he could hear a collective sigh and all parts of his body singing in choir, "We're kissing John." It would be disconcerting if it didn't feel so amazingly good.
And then John's lips were gone.
Rodney chased after them, but John stopped him with a finger against his mouth, smiling widely.
"Just so we're clear. I didn't jump."
Rodney only nodded, then pushed John's finger away and pulled him back into a kiss. He sighed a bit into John's mouth and then experimentally pushed his tongue out. When it touched John's, he moaned and wondered where else he could jump today.