Work Text:
Ryland Grace sat on his porch overlooking the biodome. The painkillers were working that day- keeping his joints from protesting too much as he sat in a xenonite-wood rocking chair with thin cushions attached.
The chair did not creak like real wood, but Grace didn’t mind. It was nice enough to rock back and forth, looking out at the simulated waves and the simulated sunset. He didn’t like calling it artificial- because it wasn’t, not really. He could go down and feel the waves crash into him; he could feel the heat of the ‘sun’ on his face were he not sitting in the shade.
He had a lot more wrinkles than he used to. He had a lot more pain than he used to. He needed more help then he used to need.
“Will you tell me about it again?” He asked, glancing down at Rocky where they sat on a little stool. They hummed in their little Eridian way.
“Grace know and remember this,” Rocky said, “Grace understand time now. Can hear it again.”
“Rocky, please?” said Grace, not above using his puppy-dog eyes. Even though Rocky couldn’t really see his expression very well, with how squishy his face was.
“Fine. I will say it again, and perhaps you will listen this time,” Rocky teased.
Grace watched as one of the many pieces of what would eventually become the Hail Mary launched into the sky, rocket fuel a plume of burning white-red-orange hot fire. Next to him, Eva Stratt sipped on one of her seemingly endless supply of coffee.
“Was that section number four or five?” Grace asked, though he knew the answer. It was number four. The silence was just too stifling, too charged, for him to stay silent.
“Four,” Stratt answered simply. She side-eyed him, knowing exactly what he was doing.
“Uh, DuBois and Shapiro are learning really quickly. It’s going well,” Grace said.
“You told me that already,” She said.
“Right.” Grace shoved his hands into his pockets, searching for words he knew he would never find, as was common with Eva Stratt. It was a beautiful day, if you ignored the rising plume of smoke from the launch site. Maybe that made it even more beautiful.
Even in this desperate race against time, Grace rarely sensed urgency among his companions. The tension in the air came not from desperation, but a quiet despair, that all of this would be for nothing. But what more could they do than try?
Grace checked the navigation system for the millionth time. They were steadily approaching Eridani, with (thankfully) plenty of fuel to spare. Thanks to the backup oxygen system, he wasn’t even super vitamin deficient! Technically, most of the plants in there were not really edible, but he’d been able to isolate various compounds via hours of work and careful chemistry.
It was enough to keep scurvy at bay. Not that choking down squishy taumoeba combined with chalky vitamin powder was pleasant in any way.
“Grace?” Rocky asked. They didn’t bother with the translator, Grace having become (mostly) fluent in Eridian by the time they were nearing Erid.
“Yeah, pal?” Grace asked, starting to climb down the cockpit ladder so he could talk to his friend.
“Have more to tell about Eridian culture, now that we are so close to Erid,” Rocky said, their voice slightly unsure.
Grace sat on top of a storage crate, giving them his full attention. “What’s going on? We already talked about a lot of Eridian culture.”
“This is… the biggest part of Eridian culture. Did not tell before because was not proper time,” Rocky explained, “Please try to not freak out.”
Grace raised an eyebrow. “I will try not to freak out,” He promised. Rocky seemed very, very nervous about this. Maybe one of the prey animals that Eridians hunted were shaped similarly to humans and everyone would be trying to kill him? He couldn’t understand what got Rocky so nervous.
“Eridians have… philosophy. Different to humans, very much,” They began, choosing their words carefully, “Eridians experience all of time at once. Can see future, past, present, all of it. Eridian philosophy is that everything that has ever happened and will ever happened is destined to happen, and cannot change that. We have tried and failed many times. Please do not be upset.”
Eridians could see the past, present, and future as if they were all happening at once? As if everything was predetermined? So… that meant that Rocky knew everything that was going to happen from the moment they met. They knew about the disaster that would occur over the skies of Adrian, they knew about the Taumoeba leak, they knew that this wasn’t exactly a voluntary mission for him?!
“What!?” Grace shrieked, “You knew? All this time, everything that I’ve done, you knew what I was going to do before I did it?! Why didn’t you tell me, why didn’t you- We didn’t have to get hurt over Adrian! You could have gone home safely! Why- why wouldn’t you tell me?”
Rocky hummed. Had they seen this reaction coming? That somehow made Grace even angrier. “Could not have changed. Could not have said, because never said and would not say until this moment. Confusing, that humans only experience in a straight line, when Eridians see the entire time at once. But Rocky is sorry that it had to be this way. Understand that humans believe in changing fate. Eridians cannot change fate.”
“You should have told me,” Grace said, “You should have.”
“Cannot change anything,” Rocky repeated, “Not about past, present, or future. All of time is determined. Is unfortunate for human, but true. We have saying- is like ‘so it goes.’ Means that it will be no matter what.”
Grace leapt to his feet, mind steaming. Surely he had agency. Surely he could have somehow stayed on Earth if DuBois and Shapiro had survived. Surely his entire life wasn’t… preordained by some mystical imaginary timeline.
“You should have told me!” Grace shouted. Rocky did not cringe or shy away. Guess they saw that coming too.
“Adrian met Rocky while apprenticing to join the Erid Biology Scholar Coalition. Rocky was apprenticing with the Engineering Scholar Coalition. Adrian had few friends, Rocky had none,” They said. Grace smiled, leaning his head back against the plush chair back and listening closely. Yes, he’d heard this story many times, but it never hurt to hear it again.
“We did not talk much. But see each other often, even in such large city. Ovbiously, Rocky thought they were very very pretty, but had no idea what Adrian thought.” Now, Grace knew that wasn’t necessarily true due to the nature of Eridian’s movement through time, but he elected to ignore that. “Eventually, Adrian friends encourage them to talk to me. And… we never stop talking. Eventually, after we both are accepted into our Coalitions, Rocky ask to become mate and Adrian says yes. Is beautiful ceremony because could never be anything other than.”
Grace nodded in agreement. “I wish I could have seen it. I’m sure it was amazing. How soon after you got married did everyone start asking about pebbles? It’s a huge thing on Earth.”
Rocky laughed, the sound wildly different to a human’s laugh but still somehow recognizable. “Nobody asks about pebbles. Humans rude, rude, rude, statement.”
It had been so long since Rocky had needed to use ‘statement,’ ‘command,’ or ‘question’ in their speaking that it sent Grace into a laughing fit. It sounded so odd, now that Grace could pick out the individual octaves of each word and hear what each tone meant.
With his ‘inferior’ human mouth, he said one of the few words in Eridian that was both simple enough and in an octave he could easily whistle. “Accountant.”
Rocky laughed and poked him on the leg. Grace nudged him back, his face turned towards the sun.
“You know when I’m going to die,” Grace accused, laying on his cot and looking up at Rocky. They hummed.
“Yes,” Rocky said, “Telling you will not change anything.”
“I just don’t understand how you can be so… nonchalant about it,” said Grace, frustration all throughout his tone.
“Cannot change it, why worry? Know when Rocky will die, when Adrian will die, when all will die. No action can change outcome. Is predetermined,” Rocky explained.
“What, so I was destined to be shot into space against my will!? There was nothing I could have done to stop it?!” Grace cried, covering his face with his hands. Rocky made a few comforting noises, clearly remorseful but unsure how to fix it. “I just… doesn’t that mean that everything is pointless? If everything is already going to happen and already has happened?”
“Not pointless. Meaningful. Every emotion we have already felt, every memory we have already lived. Grace save lives, not meaningless, even if already were going to do so. Understand, question?”
Grace shook his head, turning on his side so he didn’t have to look at Rocky anymore. His thoughts roiled like a tempest. Part of him wanted to never talk to Rocky again. Another part was afraid of the future, so desperately afraid that he considered grabbing Yao’s gun and using it right then and there.
The loudest part of him thought that it was a little comforting. There was no choice he could have made to stop what he got. If life was preordained, it meant that all the pain and suffering was for something. Or at least, there was a guaranteed end. Grace wondered if humans had free will while Eridians did not, or if humans simply could not perceive how time actually moved.
He rubbed his eyes. Stratt was always going to betray him. DuBois, Shapiro, Yao, and Ilyukhina were always going to die. He was always going to run from the overwhelming responsibility placed on his shoulders. The deaths weren’t his fault. He did everything he could.
Grace drifted in and out of sleep for a while, the sounds of Rocky tinkering a soothing background noise to his slowly-calming heartbeat.
Maybe it was okay that nothing he could ever do would change anything. He was pretty satisfied with what he’d done. Even with his cowardice and fear, he’d saved the stars.
“Would you go up there? If you were a pilot or a biologist or an engineer?” Grace asked, the thought suddenly coming to him as he watched the smoke from the launch slowly get swept away by the wind.
Stratt glanced at him for a moment before her gaze returned to where the fourth section of the Hail Mary had been. She took a sip of her coffee.
“I don’t know,” She admitted, “I think I would. I would have volunteered, at least. But I do not have the coma gene either, you forget, so I would have been rejected.”
Grace nodded, swallowing thickly. “It’s just… terrifying.”
“No more than starving to death on a dying planet, I would think,” Stratt commented. Her hair blew in the wind, the black baseball cap she wore doing nothing to prevent it from whipping around. “And we have had this conversation before, Doctor Grace.”
“I know,” Grace said, “I just keep thinking about it.” Eva made a small sound of acknowledgment as she pushed her hair back somewhat ineffectually. It was almost funny, how the most powerful woman on Earth could be inconvenienced by a light breeze.
“You think too much about things that do not matter,” Eva said. Grace rubbed the back of his neck, a little embarrassed.
“I guess so,” He muttered.
“Do not worry so much. And come on, we have work to do.” She turned on her heel and marched towards one of the many buildings that Project Hail Mary had completely overtaken, her head held high.
For a moment, Grace wished he could have had her confidence. But he was afraid, deeply, and he would never be like her.
Grace laid on his mattress, calm and peaceful. He was old, very old, but not weak enough to die quite yet. Though, Rocky was becoming more and more diligent about watching him sleep with every passing day.
“I think I understand now, Rocky,” Grace said, “The philosophy that Eridians have.”
“Yes,” Rocky said, their weight against his side comforting even through the xenonite suit.
“I wouldn’t have done it any different,” he said, “Will you watch me sleep?”
“Do not even have to ask. Anything for friend Grace,” Rocky trilled quietly. Grace nodded, reaching over to pat Rocky’s carapace. He smiled.
“See you in the morning,” Grace said.
“Yes. Sleep now,” Rocky replied.
Grace closed his eyes and fell asleep.