Chapter Text
Dear Wifies,
By the time you’ve found this, it’s already too late. I have long since ceased to exist.
I was never real to begin with. Well, by ‘real’, I was never dead nor alive. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this properly.
But if you continue reading, then it means I will never be able to.
This whole thing—it was all a ‘ploy’ by Levi. He needed someone to believe in him, to honor him properly.
He would have found that person in you, Wifies.
If I’m correct, then it means that he’ll no longer need me; for I am nothing more than a dead man walking. And what use could a dead man be?
But you, Wifies, you’re worth so, so much more. That’s what I admired about you. Be if it were any other of those ‘hunters’, then I would’ve simply left them to be whatever pleases Levi.
I’m not sure what even came to me. All I know is that you, Wifies, you were perfect. A perfect vessel, representative—whatever—perfect.
You were the first one to truly believe in me. The others mocked me so eagerly for my madness—ironically something I never wanted—of Levi. They exploited me to all they could for clout, and left me.
Like I was nothing more. (I know I’m not. Yet I deny.)
I came to the conclusion that hunters were all embodiments of pure greed. They were selfish flavours of mortality—that they didn’t deserve to be graced with the knowledge of Levi.
And then you happened. Wifies. You, who stayed, despite me having given you countless reasons to leave. You, who noticed my lie at the start, who asked for my reasons instead of accusing me of an attention-seeking liar.
Unexpectedly, in the time we’ve spent together, I grew to admire you.
(I could look into those determined void-filled eyes forever—so empty yet so full of life. I could hold you forever, whisper all my confessions like a sin, and love you delicately yet so firmly. I could talk with you forever, never growing tired of hearing your voice—an angel’s symphony itself.)
I even grew to feel what mortals called ‘envy’—towards Arronax, whose research captivated you more than mine ever did.
(I wish I was her. I wish I was Arronax instead. Maybe then I could have told you my feelings without any fear holding me back. Maybe then you’d look at me with awe and wonder. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so disgusted with myself. Maybe.)
I couldn’t stand the thought of you, of us having to work with another scum of a person. I couldn’t stand your attention being on her instead of me.
(I couldn’t stand you feeling what I feel of you towards her.)
I never thought I could ever have these selfish feelings.
(I was once human too, did you know? I was just like you once. Maybe that’s why you were the only one to have brought back those feelings.)
And yet.
I was selfish. Not once did I ever face my true feelings.
(I yelled at you. I blamed you. I couldn’t control myself from hurting you, when it was just my own desperation. I didn’t deserve you. I know I apologized, but I still did it anyway.)
I knew this would end in two ways. Either, I had to give you up as a sacrifice for Levi and continue ‘living’, or, you prove yourself worthy to Levi and I….
I was scared it’d end up with the first option. (I don’t know if I would ever forgive myself. I’d forever hold onto the memories of us, even if they were long dead.)
So, after spending hours in the library, I kept urging you to believe. (Even if I didn’t want you to be taken to The Palace, even if I didn’t want to die yet—I’d sacrifice it all for you. I wish it was all a much different scenario.)
My fear only grew when we fully drowned to trigger a respawn again and again. Twice. (Levi knew. He must have. I couldn’t afford for him to take away what I love once more.)
Levi would have known what I was trying to achieve by now. If it didn’t work for the third and last time, then one of us would be a goner.
I didn’t want it to be you. (I wouldn’t let it be you.)
I grew desperate. I grew paranoid. I grew angry. Things I didn’t know I could feel, I felt them. (Maybe that’s why I cherished you so deeply in my heart, because you showed me how to be humane again. Even if you didn’t know.)
Not aimed at you, Wifies, but at myself. (I couldn’t fail you like I failed myself.)
But, if you do find this letter, and have already read this far, then I’m happy to guess that my plan was a success.
I’m sorry I couldn’t continue to be with you. Maybe in another universe, we would’ve been best friends. And maybe more. Even if it’s considered a sin. Even if you might end up seeing me as a vile creature for my temptations.
(I'm disgusted with myself—I still feel bile rising in my throat at the thought of two boys being together, even if it’s us and that my love for you overpowers everything else.)
(I’m not sure why I feel disgusted. Was it towards my feelings, or was it towards me feeling disgusted by you—an angel sent from heaven? You didn’t deserve it. You weren’t the one to blame.)
But not in this universe, for I’m simply a selfish dead man walking.
(If you knew yourself from my point of view, you wouldn’t blame me. If you had known what I have, you wouldn’t judge me. Well, at-least I hope you won’t, no matter how vain it may be.)
As my final words: Live with love, Wifies. Embrace the pain, the regret, the guilt so unbearable. Forgive yourself again and again, endlessly, because everything starts from here on.
Forever Yours,
Hummer. Whatever I am—or used to be. I don’t know.
(I love you, Wifies.)