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"Purple, can we talk?"
Purple scoffs as they click through the cameras. Now really wasn't the time for Red and their stupid interuptions—not when there was something wrong, because Purple can't see any crewmates. Anywhere! Nowhere! Nothing! The Skeld looks empty. Maybe it's an error with the cameras. Or maybe everyone is gathering in another room for a meeting that Purple apparently wasn't invited to. Purple doesn't know. That's why they're checking. So Purple tells Red: "I'm a little busy here."
Red lets out a wimpy little squeak. "This is—urgent."
A sigh drags out of Purple, a bit of a groan tearing through the sound. "Do you want me to say it again? Cameras don't record, they're in black and white, I—"
"WAAAAAAAAAAH!"
…
Okay, so that was NOT Red's voice.
"What was that," says Purple.
"There's," says Red. "A situation. Of course, not a, not a uh—situation that I don't have under control. But, um, it would be—appreciated! If you could. Come take a look."
"Ah. Right. A situation. Thanks for keeping it vague, Red. Real helpful, as usual."
"Purple, I'm being serious," whines Red, "you kinda need to see it to believe it…!"
Purple's already clicking over to the camera that should display the hallway outside of Security. "Yeah, I'll believe it when I see i—"
"I JUST said that!! Are you even listening?! See, I knew you were gonna say that, which is why I said—"
"Red," interrupts Purple, really feeling the sense of horror seeping into their singular bone. "I'm on your feed right now. What the fuck am I looking at."
"Just open the goddamn door," Red pleads.
As an indicator of their disbelief from their viewing of the cameras, Purple actually does what Red tells them to do.
The door opens.
There stands Red, holding a baby. TWO babies. But it doesn't stop there, actually. Not just two babies. It's multiple babies, some crawling at their legs, drooling on their crocs. One sits on atop Red, peeking out from under the Captain's hat. Another is sprawled on their shoulder, smacking a hand into Red's visor so that Red has to crane their neck away to see.
"Congratulations, you're the parent...?" Red jokes weakly. Their heart isn't in it. Purple can tell by the pained expression on Red's face. One of the baby crewmates looks like it's going to throw up on Red any moment now.
Purple closes the door.
"NO NO WAIT I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I didn't mean that that was a bad joke!! Not the right situation!! I'm sorry pleasedon'tleavemewiththemPLEASEOPENTHEDOOR Please god please PLEASE—"
"YOU PULL THAT SHIT AGAIN AND I'M LOCKING YOU OUT," threatens Purple, yelling through the door. "YOU HEAR ME, RED? I'M SERIOUS. I AM SO SERIOUS."
"I'M SORRYYYYYY…" cries Red. "Can we try that again… please…. that was inappropriate, I get it, I take it back…"
"FINE! But—" Purple warns. "Don't you dare. Don't you DARE. Do that again."
"Okay… can you please open the door now?"
"No," Purple says as they open the door.
"That wasn't so hard, was it?" asks Red, standing before them again, their voice no longer muffled. Also with all the, the uh, you know. The babies.
Red shoots Purple a brilliant smile. It's almost nice, but Red proceeds to shove a baby in Purple's direction. "Now, say hello to my little friend!"
Purple steps back and closes the door.
"…Purple, I was just joking. Purple. Come on. It was just a—it was just a joke."
"…"
"PURPLE!!"
Red bangs on the door. "I WAS JUST JOKING!! IT WAS JUST A—IT WAS JUST A JOKE!!"
"…"
"PURPLEEEEEEEEEEEEE—!!!!!!!!"
"So is this you trying to baby-trap me?"
"No."
"If you say so…"
"It's NOT," says Red. "Not only would I not do that—"
"Uh huh…"
"—but, this isn't even my fault!"
"Because it's neeeeever your fault…"
"Purple, can you stop making sarcastic remarks for ONE SECOND, and just listen to what I'm trying to say?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I stopped trying to take you seriously when you, gee, um, I don't know—dropped the most unfunny in-context one-liners ever?"
"That was wrong of me. I admit that, and I apologize. Even if my comedic timing was totally great. But that's not the point—"
"I—"
"THE POINT IS," says Red. "The point is. Our crewmates have magically turned into babies. All of them. How. Why. What do we do."
Purple takes a deep breath before burying their face in their hands. Baby Cyan coos, reaching for Purple's security badge, while Baby Brown tugs on Purple's tie. Red just gave up, fully relinquishing their hat and badge to Baby Orange. Baby Yellow and Black have taken a croc each, sitting in them and pretending to drive. They're so small, and there's so many to keep track of and Purple is already tired.
"I should've known better," groans Purple. "Why do I feel like, like—with you as Captain, there's always be some weird shit going on. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Captain Red's Law."
"You're being mean. First of all, god, I'm no Murphy. Second of all, I literally didn't DO anything. This just happened."
"Do I need to remind you of our internship? You're a walking disaster, Red. The flaming beaker incident. The wild goose incident. The green egg incident. The—"
"Okay, again! None of those were MY fault! I just happened to be at—at… the wrong place…"
"…at the wrong time," Purple finishes. "Um."
"You don't think, uh," suggests Red. "I don't know. I don't even know."
"I can't believe I'm saying this," exhales Purple with a little shake of their head. Green gurgles in delight as they try to hold onto Purple's shaking knee. "But did your little manual have anything to say about this?"
"Why would the manual have anything on this?!"
"I-I don't know! I just thought you would've went to check that first!"
"—I didn't consult the manual, I went to YOU!! There, there were babies all over the place, and—I didn't know what to do—so—"
"Okay, okay, I get it—and I'm here, and there are definitely—babies everywhere. But we can wrangle that after you check whatever information is available—"
"Right!" Red nods desperately, flicking out the manual and flicking through the pages. "Right, right, right."
"—even though I HIGHLY doubt they'll know anything about—"
"HERE!!" exclaims Red, holding up the manual like they've just found a treasure map. Baby Orange coos as they make grabby hands at the thing. Red swats the hands away. "Hey, quit that. No MIRA Official Captaining handbook for you."
"You're fucking shitting me," utters Purple.
"Language."
"You're… uh…" Purple shoots a wary glance at Baby Orange. Uh, baby HR reps can't reprimand you, right…? "…sillying my goose."
"You're gosh darn right I'm sillying your goose!" Red drops the book on the table, opened to a page where an infographic of a silly looking goose is illustrated with a speech bubble that says I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. The rule listed says RULE 34: DON'T FEED THE GEESE.
"Literally what does this have to do with anything," says Purple.
Red rolls their visor. "The next page."
The page in question is RULE 35: AVOID PASSING THE BABYTRAPPING ASTEROID BELT AT ANY COST ESPECIALLY DURING THIS SPECIFIC TIME OF DAY AND YEAR.
"Something something misplaced time warp something something blah blah blah fountain of youth functions… okay, that doesn't answer why we weren't affected, but whatever. How do we undo it?"
Red points to a piece of text underneath that passage. DW LOL IT WEARS OFF.
"Then how long until it wears off??"
Underneath that text is: IDK.
"What???"
"That's enough questions!" Red reads aloud. Purple sends them a sharp glare. Red raises their hands in defense. "—Hey, that's what the handbook said, not me."
"Great. So, what, we're just stuck with—" Purple waves a hand across the room. "—the cafeteria turned playground."
"Like a daycare," grumbles Red.
"Yeah," Purple mutters, still picking up the remnants of their shock. "A daycare among us."
"An Among Us Daycare."
"A whole jungle gym."
"What is this, some sort of fun jungle?"
"A… Fungle."
Baby Green flops over before adorably clutching onto Purple's ankle. "Pipi!"
"…I want a raise."