Work Text:
I should have known something was wrong the second that Dana called. Because Dana never called me. But in that moment I didn’t think anything of it. I finished pulling up my scrub bottoms before answering. “Morning Dana, am I late?” I say trying to joke while Abby gets the kids ready for school.
“No, it’s Robby,” I stop.
“What happened?” He went on his sabbatical four weeks ago. Maybe he got into an accident.
“I just got a call from a hospital in Maryland. He drove his motorcycle straight into a tree. They belive it’s a suicide,” her voice cracks on the last word. Dana’s voice never breaks. I feel my legs give out from under me and I end up in the floor.
“What?”
“Yeah, I got a call this morning. If you want to take the day off kid i understand,” I can tell that’s she’s crying now. I think I am too.
“No, I’m still come in. I just. We shouldn’t have let him left Dana. We should have done more to stop him,” my voice breaks again. I’m crying now. I know that for a fact.
“We both know how stubborn he could be. He would have gone no matter what we did,”
“We could have restrained him,”
“Cause that would have worked. Don’t blame yourself for this. He wouldn’t want you to do that. I’ll see you at work, ok?”
“Yeah,” and then she hangs up and I break down. I can’t help the sob that comes out of me.
I can’t believe this happened but the more I think about it the more I see the signs. I should have known. I should have fucking known.
I’m an ER doctor for fucks sake. I’m not naive. And he’s gone. He’s gone. And I couldn’t save him. No one save him.
We save people everyday yet none of us could save our friend.
That’s when Abby’s voice calls out. “Frank I’m getting ready to leave,”
I can’t find it in myself to say anything back. “Frank?” I hear her say again. Her voice closer this time. “Frank?” Her hand is on my shoulder this time and I feel myself collapse into her. I press my face into the side of her neck.
“He’s gone Abby he’s gone,”
“Who’s gone?” She asks, placing a hand on my on my back.
“Robby,” is all I get out as I stayed curled up crying into her shoulder.
I don’t know how long I stay there with her hand running over my back as I just cry and cry and cry. He’s gone. And I’m still expected to work.
And he’s just Gone. He helped save my life. Helped me get the help I needed but I couldn’t do that for him.
Stepping into the ER was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Mateo is hugging Dana as she crys eyes red and puffy. And next thing I know Mel is wrapping her arms around me. I pat her back awkwardly and she pulls away. “Did you hear?”
I nod. “I did,”
“I don’t understand how we didn’t see it,” she says.
“Dana saw it. Abbott saw it. I jsut don’t think either of them thought he could do it,” I admit. That shift is a hard one.
Towards the end santos pulls me aside. She’s fidgiting. “I don’t want to end up like Robby,”
“You won’t,”
“But I will. I’m self destructive just like him,” she says, voice cracking.
“I think we’re all a bit self destructive. Do you want a hug,” she nods and allows me to give her a wide hug.
Robby’s funeral is a few weeks later and I think half the hospital staff shows up at least.
Why did you have to leave us? Why? You should have called. I would have answered. Dana would have answered. Abbot would have answered. We would have all answered. All you had to do was call. That’s all.