Archive of Our Own

“Shit-” Atsushi groaned, leaning over to the left as his legs started to give up on him. His knee buckled for a moment, thrusting his weight onto a nearby wall for the time being as he desperately pawed at his pockets for his phone.

Atsushi wrinkled his nose, taking in the smell of iron that surrounded the scene. Annoyingly enough, it was raining. Fat drops of water pelted him from up in the sky, sticking his clothes to his body in a way that was less than pleasant. Thunder boomed somewhere around him and he jumped, biting down on his lip hard enough to taste metal.

“Hey asshole! Don’t–Don’t fucking run…from me!” A man slurred, his words blurring together as a result of alcohol.

Atsushi slammed his head onto the brick wall, cursing out Dazai before transforming both of his hands.

“I’m not even meant to be here! I just wanted my tea and to go to bed–stupid agency sending me on random missions with zero information.” He grumbled, preparing for the man to turn the corner of the building.

This was a regular case, he supposed. Dazai told him that a drunk ability user was terrorizing some small neighbourhood and requested that he go and stop it, an easy job in retrospect. What Atsushi didn’t expect was the man being well enough prepared and hitting Atsushi over the head with a pole before he even got a good look at the situation.

Grumbling to himself, Atsushi braced as the man appeared around the corner. He was stumbling a bit, favouring his left leg. His hands were all bloody from throwing punches and his one eye was swollen shut, it looked like Atsushi had a good chance at winning.

“There you are bastard!” he laughed, a hysterical and painful noise, “I’ll teach you to come after me–I swear-swear by it!”

So he had said at least ten times in their past hour-long fight.

Atsushi was trying to figure out what his ability was, most likely something to do with weapons since random ones kept appearing in his hands. He currently had possession of a knife, a small one but Atsushi could see the sharpness of the blade in the way he tilted it.

“Let’s do this again.” he huffed, charging forward to try and restrain the man. He materialized his tail, using it to wrap around the man's leg and yank it out from under him as he sprinted behind him. He could feel the other person stagger, letting out a sloppy yelp as he rolled to the ground in a fit of pained rage.

Atsushi flipped around, diving to his knees and fighting against the trashing pile of limbs to pin the man down. He coughed when a foot clipped him in the stomach, knocking the air out of his lungs for a short moment. Another hand pushed at his face which he quickly grabbed, twisting his wrist to stop the movement. Atsushi shifted his body weight, dropping both knees onto the man's legs and pinning his arm over his head, reaching for the next one and–

Atsushi yelped, heat blooming across his arm as the man reached up and dug his knife blade into his flesh. He grit his teeth, tears pricking at the edges of his eyes as the blade ate at his forearm. He could feel warmth travel down his skin, iron staining the air once again as the man laughed out underneath him.

Atsushi grit his teeth, biting down on his tongue as he twisted his arm against the blade and got a hold of the man's wrist. Almost against his will, he let out a short cry of pain as the weapon twisted, slicing up what was left of his bruised forearm.

The weapon went slack as Atsushi dug his claw into the man's wrist, forcing his hand to open and pinning it to the wet ground. The man cried out, thrashing as Atsushi brought the two hands together so he could hold them with one of his own hands. With his free hand, Atsushi reached down, delivering a hard hit to the side of the man's head. It wasn’t enough to severely injure him, but it was enough to daze and confuse.

Atsushi released the man's legs, forcing him up and searching for where the local police had gone. He swayed on his feet, the world tilting slightly as the blue vests finally came into view.

He could barely register the voice around him anymore.

He knew someone was thanking him–he could catch fragments of the words travelling through his ears. There were a few red and blue lights flashing around him that he didn’t notice during the fight. Atsushi turned to the person–who was more of a blur at this point–and nodded.

“It’s not a problem,” he replied, every note of his exhaustion strung out in his voice, “I’m just doing my job.”

The man he was holding was carefully drawn from his arms by two officers, they secured the man's wrists before exchanging a few words and pulling him over to their car. The drunk protested for a few fleeting seconds before he was shoved into the backseat, his words cut off with a slam of the door. Atsushi watched them go, but he wasn’t sure if he was really seeing them.

He briefly registered the adrenaline that was coursing through his veins was wearing off, leaving a heavy ache that settled into every muscle of his body.

He was just tired. He really should’ve eaten something between tasks today.

A lap tap landed on his shoulder, causing him to instinctively flinch before turning to look at whoever was behind him. Another officer stood there, concern written across her tanned face.

“Hey,” she said lightly, “are you alright? Do you need us to call a doctor? Is there someone we can call for you?”

There was a second where Atsushi simply stared at her, the question fighting its way through his brain fog before he registered what she had asked.

He blinked a few times, forcing himself to open his mouth and answer.

“I’ll..be fine.” He grinned, lifting a bloody arm to point in the direction that he parked. He thinks. “My car is just over there, I have people waiting up for me.”

He hesitated for a moment, adding almost too quietly, “I think.”

He furrowed his brow, surely someone at the agency stayed up to wait for him. If not Dazai–definitely not Dazai–then Kyoka.

The officer followed his gesture to the street behind him, her mouth opening and closing like she couldn’t find the right words, and hesitantly nodded.

“If you say so, you are the ability user…” she paused, pulling a lip in between her teeth, “and seriously, thank you…that would’ve taken so much longer if you weren’t here.”

Atsushi offered a small, tired smile that felt way too rehearsed and nodded, “as I said, just doing my job.”

She regarded him one more time before nodding and jogging away to join the rest of the scene, her walkie buzzing out words that Atsushi couldn’t make out even if he tried.

(well he probably could, given the tiger and all that. But he was too tired to try.)

Once the cops had made their swift exit, Atsushi was left in a prompt silence that stretched out all around him. He couldn’t distinguish if it really was that quiet, or if the world had just become too muffled for him to hear.

He let out a slow breath, one that tugged on his lungs as much as it clawed up his throat, and forced himself to start walking to his car.

He took one aching step, then another, and another…

His torn sleeve was dangling pathetically from his arm, which was still throbbing in time with his heartbeat and smeared in his own blood. Thankfully, he could feel the regeneration getting to work, knitting his flesh back together one vein at a time.

He wanted to pretend it was comforting, but every injury being healed needed some sort of energy–and unfortunately he did not have much left to give.

Still, he felt steadier than he did a few minutes ago.

He just had to get to his car and back to the agency.

He’d be fine.

Right.

He had managed to successfully make it down half the block before something felt wrong…wrong in a way that he couldn’t put his finger on it.

He winced, heat starting to spread through his body to the point it was unbearable. He lurched forward, his stomach turning with undisguised nausea. The wave of dizziness that followed hit him so hard he stopped walking altogether, hands coming to rest on his stomach.

“What…?”

His vision started to swim, black dots flooding his gaze as the streetlamps turned to bright lines above him. His heartbeat began to thunder in his ears, each beat sending heat through his already exhausted body.

He fell to his knees, gagging slightly and trying to push himself up but his arms refused to cooperate. He shoved, his limbs falling limp at his side.

The sidewalk began to tilt underneath him, his gaze flooding black as he tilted forward and hit the pavement, barely registering the sting as the concrete scraped his cheek.

And finally, everything went dark.

—

It was bright, Atsushi knew that much. It was coming from his right side, a little dim but he could see it through his closed eyes. A lamp maybe? That would explain it only being on one side of his face.

But wasn’t he outside?

There was a brief humming, like a buzz that wouldn’t go away. His body jerked every so often, tilting to the left or right. He winced as the light faded before switching to the other side, blinding him once more.

Atsushi groaned, trying to make sense of his surroundings as each limb slowly regained feeling. His head felt the heaviest, like someone had filled it with wet sand while he was fighting that man.

He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could before forcing himself to open them, the sheer need to know where he was spurring him on. He blinked, staring at the ceiling as objects started to gain their forms.

Where the hell was he?

Atsushi let out another low groan, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears, and lifted a hand to rub at his temple. Maybe that would kill the splitting headache he was currently sporting.

“He’s awake.” mumbled a soft voice, although it was so quiet that Atsushi briefly wondered if he had started hearing things as well.

He froze, heart skipping a beat as he finally realized he wasn’t alone.

He opened his eyes wider by a fraction, willing his brain to finally catch up with the rest of his body. Instinct and years of fear were screaming at him to move, to get out of the way and hide.

Instead, he attempted to shift over and force himself upright, ignoring the wave of dizziness that overwhelmed his senses. Before he could get very far, he felt a warm hand come and rest on the top of his head.

A sharp breath caught painfully in his throat as panic took over. He jerked away from the touch, throwing himself upright much quicker than his weakened body wanted, and tried to desperately put distance between him and whoever had dared to touch him.

The sudden movement made his vision spin, body lurching to the side for a terrifying moment. He refused to pass out again, not when he was so vulnerable.

“Calm down Waretiger,” said a dry voice, a hint of amusement thrown into his tone, “you act like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Atsushi could feel his breath hitch, brain lagging behind as he tried to piece together whose voice that was. He slowly turned his head–taking the moment to briefly note that he was in a car–and was met with the unfamiliar sight of Gin Akutagawa.

She looked eerily calm, calmer than the last time they had met. Her hands were wrapped together neatly on her lap, hidden away after she had grabbed his head. Atsushi noted the odd warmth in her eyes–he honestly didn’t know the Akutagawa siblings were capable of that.

“Gin..?”

He tilted his head in confusion, squinting at her like he was trying to study her face.

If Gin was here then…

Shit.

“Does that mean..?” he mumbled through his scared shock, poking his head over to see none other than Akutagawa in the front seat, hands gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white.

A moment of panic shifted through Atsushi, forcing him to react on instinct. He shoved himself back, pushing his body into the corner of the car door and planting himself there. Who knows what they could do to him! God knows Akutagawa didn’t like him, so what threat was he under?

Atsushi swallowed, clearing his throat and blinking a few times to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

“...Akutagawa?!”

The black haired man sparred him a short glance through the rearview mirror before turning his attention back to the road–which was probably for the better. He coughed a few times, jerking the car to the left a few times before deciding to speak. Atsushi dug his nails into the leather seats, fearing for his life that the car would veer off the road.

“Waretiger, you’re awake.” He commented, sparing him another glance.

Atsushi nodded, pulling his lip between his teeth. “....why am I in your car?”

Akutagawa coughed, clearing his throat, “You were passed out on the side of the road. Gin saw you while we were grabbing a few food items for the week.”

Atsushi slowly nodded, the memory coming back in fragments. “So you picked me up, put me in your car, and decided to take me…where?”

The man huffed, clearly annoyed by the questions, and sighed, “to our apartment. I–Gin didn’t want to leave you there, and besides, only I get to kill you, not the weather or your own stupidity, Jinko.”

“Cool cool cool.” Atsushi replied, trying to ignore how his muscles were cramping from hiding in the corner. “So you’re not going to kill me…?”

“Not if you keep asking stupid questions.” He threatened, glaring at Atsushi through the mirror.

Atsushi froze, brow furrowing, “that would be going against your own promise. Six months, no killing. Not even me.”

“...you make a good point.”

Atsushi snorted, uncoiling from his spot a little. “I know I do.”

Akutagawa rolled his eyes, “don’t get cocky, Waretiger.”

“What are you going to do when the agency starts asking for me?” Atsushi questioned, lowering himself into his seat, “you do know they’ll be looking for me, right?”

Akutagawa was quiet for a moment, tension in the small space rising as Atsushi took a quizzical look at Gin, who just shrugged. Her calmness–for lack of a better word–was frankly unnerving to Atsushi, who just wanted to go home.

“I suppose they will look for you…” Akutagawa murmured, sounding…jealous? Maybe regretful? Atsushi couldn’t tell and he was honestly too tired to look into it. “I can call Dazai.” he added, voice firm with determination.

Atsushi laughed a little, “you do that.” he paused before adding, “why not just drive me to the agency?”

Much to Atsushi’s shock, Gin replied this time, “it’s too far. You were really sick…you still look too pale to be healthy. It’s safer to let you come to Ryuunosuke’s apartment so you can eat something, regain strength.”

Akutagawa nodded from his spot in the front seat, “regain your strength and be kicked out early tomorrow morning.”

Atsushi hummed, tilting his head. “I don’t know if I should eat anything prepared by you…poisons are real you know.”

Akutagawa snorted, turning the car into a small parking lot, “I’m well aware, Jinko.”

“So you see where my apprehension comes from.”

Akutagawa sighed through his nose, earning himself a small coughing fit before speaking again, “I wouldn’t waste my poison on you, besides, you said it yourself, I can’t break a promise.”

Atsushi nodded as they slid into a parking spot, Gin gesturing for him to get out of the car. He popped the lock on the door, slipping out into the night and watching as Akutagawa retrieved his food from the back. His head spun as he stood there, raising a hand and placing it on the roof of the car. He squinted, taking harsh shallow breaths to try and rid himself of the dizzy spell he was under.

“Gin and I have separate apartments, I do not want her staying with you so that only leaves mine. “Akutagawa explained, gesturing to the building's entrance. Atsushi nodded along, following him into the dimly lit reception area.

Atsushi followed the siblings to the end of a dark hallway, and spent a few seconds fearing that Akutagawa lied and was going to murder him here and now. The door creaked open loudly and Atsushi jumped, not missing Akutagawa’s smug grin as they started to climb the stairs.

By the fourth flight, to Atsushi’s greatest dismay, the dizziness started to return. He lurched forward, squeezing his eyes shut and blinding reaching for the railing. Once he finally grabbed it, he stopped his walking and put his full weight on it, waiting for the sensations to finally subside.

The echoing of steps through the stairwell had stopped, sending a jolt of unease through Atsushi at the sudden silence.

“Waretiger, can’t even walk a flight of stairs?”

Atsushi growled, forcing himself to look up to meet the mafia members' eyes, “I’m fine. Just dizzy is all.” he grinned, putting on a smile that he hoped hid his discomfort.

Akutagawa paused, hands coming together as he glanced between Atsushi and his sister. His face wrinkled in contemplation before he sighed with a groan, turning to mumble something to Gin. The girl nodded slowly, taking a quick glance at Atsushi and sighing. “Alright, I’ll message you.”

Akutagawa nodded as a reply. “I look forward to it.”

And to that, Gin Akutagawa started to walk up the stairs, her shoes clicking on the metal with practiced steps. Atsushi watched her go, unease clawing its way up his spine once again.

“You tell her to go?” Atsushi questioned, pulling himself up on the railing.

Akutagawa coughed, doubling over slightly while nodding. “Yes. I didn’t want her to have to wait up for us–well you.”

Atsushi scowled, pouting like a child as he forced himself to stand up once again. For one terrifying moment he rocked back on his heels, breath catching in his throat as he reached for the rail once again.

“I’ll do this once, and once alone.” Akutagawa declared, reaching over and yanking Atsushi’s hand to get him upright. He then proceeded to walk behind him and place a cold hand over the small of his back, dropping his hand and keeping it there for stability.

“Don’t want you falling because you didn’t eat…or something. Speak once we are seated.” He grumbled, starting to guide Atsushi up the stairs with a steady hand.

Atsushi opened his mouth to speak, meaning to protest, but he failed to find the right words he needed. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, taking a few more steps with Akutagawa behind him, and promptly gave up trying to speak.

He was acutely aware of how lightly Akutagawa was pressing into his back, like he was scared to accidentally hurt him. And if Atsushi smiled at the realization, that was between him and this gloomy stairwell.

—

Akutagawa’s apartment was just about what Atsushi expected. It was a simple layout, one bathroom and one bedroom. The kitchen was the farthest away, residing at the back of the room while his living room was the first thing you saw when entering. Once Atsushi had bent down to take off his shoes, Akutagawa departed into his bedroom, which was sitting to the left of the doorway.

Atsushi went to take a step, pausing once he second guessed himself. Maybe Akutagawa wanted him to wait until he came back out? Isn’t it rude to walk into someone's home with no direction?

(in other words, Atsushi had no clue as to what he was doing)

“Waretiger,” Akutagawa’s head popped back out of his room, hands full of what looked to be bedsheets. “Are you feeling better?”

Atsushi pulled his lip in between his teeth, trying not to laugh at the amount of blankets piled in the man's arms. “Slightly, I think I’m just hungry. Didn’t eat a lot, you get what I mean.”

Akutagawa nodded slowly, shuffling over to throw the pile onto the couch. “Do they not feed you at the agency?” He turned his gaze onto Atsushi, squinting slightly.

Atsushi sighed, raising his hands in surrender. “No, nothing like that. I just forgot to eat before my mission. I’m sure you’ve done the same.”

There was a short hum as a reply, Akutagawa’s face looking oddly blank. He gave a determined nod, shaking himself out of whatever thought had formed, “I’ll call Dazai. You can sit, you look weak enough that even I could knock you over.”

Atsushi snorted, blinking as he made his way to the couch on unstable legs. The floorboards creaked with unease, making their age known as Atsushi walked around. He moved around a small coffee table before slowly lowering himself down onto the couch. He could hear Akutagawa talking in the kitchen, voice just loud enough to be heard.

“...yes Dazai this is he…” there was a brief pause where Atsushi assumed Dazai was speaking, “I found your waretiger, he is sick and staying with me for the night. Do not worry, I will return him as soon as I see fit.”

Atsushi scowled, what was with Akutagawa acting like he couldn’t fend for himself? He would not be returned to the agency by the man, he would be going home on his own terms.

…even if he didn’t know what said terms were.

“Yes Dazai, thank you.” Akutagawa finished, coughing into his fist as he hung up and meandered back into the living space.

Atsushi perked up, scooting to sit on the very edge of the couch, “what did he say?”

Akutagawa coughed, tilting his head to the side like he was wondering something, and slowly took a seat on the couch. Atsushi could only guess that he was about two feet away, he could reach out and touch him if he wanted. For some reason the thought made his stomach stir with something akin to nausea.

Akutagawa cleared his throat, leaning back on the couch cushions. “Dazai agreed, said he predicted this, I mean of course he did the man's a genius.” Akutagawa paused, a small grin tugging at the corners of his lips, “You may stay, the agency can wait for you in the morning.”

Atsushi wrinkled his nose, Akutagawa’s praise of Dazai always creeped him out a bit. It felt less like praise and more like an obsession sometimes.

“Wait–what do you mean Dazai predicted this?” Atsushi flushed, sitting straight up even as his back protested, “I know he’s smart or whatever but how could he predict you would pick me up??”

Akutagawa hummed, looking away from Atsushi and considering the phone call for a moment, “he did not see that. He saw you passing out, took notice to your lack of sleep the day before. That is all.”

Atsushi nodded, let out a slow, exhausted breath and sank deeper into the soft couch cushions. He brought his trembling hands to his eyes, pressing hard enough to evoke a flurry of stars beneath his eyelids. He welcomed them, taking slow breaths as he tried to work through the rest of the pain in his body. His lungs were burning with overuse, the back of his head throbbing in time with his heartbeat, he could feel the dried, caked on blood that tangled in his hair. His arm was still steadily bleeding, his healing struggling to keep up underneath his lack of energy.

Atsushi grimaced, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. He already missed the adrenaline he gets from a battle, at least while fighting he didn’t have to think of the pain.

Groaning, Atsushi forced his arms back down, tilting his head and listening to his neck pop.

Once he opened his eyes, Akutagawa was already watching him.

Atsushi paused, hair standing on end as he watched Akutagawa’s eyes trail over his body, starting at his head before traveling down to his arm.

Akutagawa opened his mouth, “Your–Your arm, what happened?” His voice was quieter than normal, not the strained yelling Atsushi was used to, “You normally heal by now.”

Atsushi took a brief second to contemplate his answer, opening his mouth before closing it again. He turned his head to meet Akutagawa’s eyes and was shocked at how different they looked. The normal gaze of anger or disgust was replaced with pure, unbridled confusion and concern. It shocked Atsushi so badly he almost turned away, he didn’t know what to do about that look. He was used to making that face, towards his friends and parental figures, towards himself. He couldn’t recall a moment in his life where it was directed at him.

Well, until now.

“Guy–uh the guy stabbed me” Atsushi forced out a laugh that sounded fake even to his own ears. “…I’m fine though! Doesn’t even hurt!” He mumbled, grimacing as his arm gave another sharp throb.

Atsushi forced himself to pry his gaze away from Akutagawa, pulling his lip into his teeth.

Akutagawa studied him for a long moment before giving a small nod, pushing himself to his feet with a groan.

“I have bandages.”

Before Atsushi could politely decline, Akutagawa was already up and moving towards a thin closet near the dining room. Atsushi watched for a moment as he pulled it open, took some bandages out, and shut it closed with a THWAP.

Akutagawa shuffled back over to the couch, one hand full of white bandages and one pushing against the wall every so often. Once he reached the couch he lowered himself next to Atsushi with less grace than usual, his shoulders slumping forward all the slightest.

Atsushi worried at his bottom lip with his teeth, gaze immediately dropping down to the blood staining his white shirt. The red had spread to around his elbow, the blood still wet around the wound while being dry and flaky around everywhere else. He studied it for a moment longer before his eyes drifted back to Akutagawa, who was sitting there with his hand out.

Atsushi hesitated, every muscle in his body, every memory of Akutagawa telling him to pull away and handle it by himself. He could spend hours counting the amount of times that Akutagawa had chased him throughout cities, missions ending in broken bones and bleeding wounds that took forever to heal. Hell the man had even ripped his own leg off.

And yet the man sitting beside him resembles the complete opposite of that nightmare. The man was hunched over, harsh lines bleeding into soft edges, worn down by fatigue and month long missions. Even his breathing was shallow, a calm display that Atsushi had never gotten to see on the man.

Atsushi let out a breath, blinking a few times and slowly handing his arm over to Akutagawa. His fingers accepted Atsushi’s forearm without much comment, but Atsushi watched as some of the tension in his shoulders fizzled to nothing.

Akutagawa was careful as he meticulously rolled up his sleeve, lifting the fabric little by little so it wouldn’t get caught on the healing flesh. He moved with a sort of hesitance that made Atsushi want to laugh, as if the man was scared of hurting him more.

The wound itself was nearly closed, Atsushi’s ability having done the worst of the work. It had left behind angry pink skin where the blade had violently torn through his muscle just an hour and some earlier. Even though the wound was sealed, drying blood smothered the space around it, hiding the larger damage that had been done.

Akutagawa studied it for a moment, brows knit in curiosity before he reached for the pale white bandages beside him. Atsushi watched as he unrolled them carefully, moving with a disturbing practiced precision, and slowly started to wrap the cloth around the bulk of Atsushi’s arm.

Atsushi watched in bored fascination, tilting forward to watch as Akutagawa’s nimble fingers traveled along his skin, wiping blood away and tightening the bandage in certain places.

…

“Why are you doing this?” Atsushi asked, voice soft with confusion and exhaustion.

Akutagawa was quiet for a moment, soaking in the task of having to bandage the wound before speaking, “You would get blood on my carpet.”

Atsushi paused, confused for a moment as he watched a small smirk form on the corners of Akutagawa’s lips.

“Ah okay, a joke, funny funny.” Atsushi teased, leaning back on one hand. Akutagawa pulled him back, giving him a look before tightening the bandage enough to elicit a small bout of pain. Atsushi whined, starting to pull his arm away before Akutagawa fixed him with another look, “fine, you win. But seriously, why?”

Akutagawa pondered the question, sighing hard through his nose, “is ‘I just want to’ an acceptable answer?” he asked, glancing up at Atsushi for a moment, “or should I just resort to talking about my promise of not killing anyone, or letting anyone but me kill you?”

Atsushi paused, tilting his head to stare at Akutagawa with confused eyes. Heat bloomed across his face, cheeks turning an embarrassing pink as he studied Akutagawa’s features for any sign of lying.

“You–you just want to is an acceptable answer.” Atsushi replied, slightly grinning. He watched as Akutagawa nodded slightly, finally tucking the edges of the bandage into each other and forcing them to stay down. He pulled out a smaller safety pin, threading it through the cloth until they were secure enough that Atsushi could move without them getting loose.

“Thank you.” Atsushi grinned, examining his arm for any sign of issues. Once he found none, he turned back to Akutagawa to see the man staring intently at his face, once again studying his features.

“You’re welcome, Jinko.”

—----

The next hour was spent sitting on Akutagawa’s couch in complete, uncomfortable silence. Atsushi had decided about thirty minutes ago to make himself as small as possible, curling into the corner with his knees tucked to his chest. He laid his head down on his knees, staring at some random TV show that had too much background laughing.

Akutagawa was lying beside him, also high strung but less compact than Atsushi. His legs were dangling off the edge of the couch, turned slightly on his side so his bangs drifted into his eyes every so often. He had grabbed one of the millions of blankets he had brought out, throwing it over his body to stay warm in the overly air-conditioned building.

Atsushi could feel his body sinking into the cushions, his eyes drifting shut before he forced them back open due to pure instinct. He could feel his stomach growl every few minutes, reminding him yet again that he hadn’t eaten for almost 24 hours at this point.

Around the tenth time he was struck with this stomach pain, he had completely given up and forced himself to gather the courage to ask Akutagawa for food. He knew the man wouldn’t kill him over a simple question, but it felt wrong to be invading his space, wasting his bandages, AND using his food on top of everything else.

Atsushi took a breath, lifting his head slightly to look at Akutagawa, “Akutagawa…are you hungry?”

Akutagawa stirred, glancing away from the TV for a moment to look at Atsushi with bright eyes. “No, I am not. However, based on the question, am I safe to assume that you are, Waretiger?”

Atsushi flushed red, the heat of embarrassment crawling up his spine. Why did Akutagawa have to be so perspective?

…then again, he wasn’t exactly subtle about it.

Atsushi looked away again, slightly nodding into his knees and hiding his guilty eyes from the man across from him.

Akutagawa coughed a few times, doubling over onto the couch and desperately wiping at his lips with his hand. Atsushi glanced up, waiting for the coughing fit to subside so Akutagawa could talk again. He had learned that it was better to let the man ride his fits out, he didn’t like to be touched while so vulnerable even if he did have Rashomon.

Akutagawa sat up, taking deep breaths through his mouth and turning to look at Atsushi with lazy eyes. “What would you like? You did catch me and Gin while shopping for food.” He reminded Atsushi, pushing himself off the couch and wandering through the halls into the kitchen.

Atsushi decided to go with him, sluggishly shoving himself off of his comfy position and following Akutagawa around the small rooms. Akutagawa was slowly digging through a bright red bag when Atsushi joined him, pushing food items around until he found what he was looking for.

Atsushi took his place beside the bag, leaning on the counter and watching Akutagawa pull out an apple from the bag along with some pocky. He studied it for a moment, flipping the apple around in his hand before turning to Atsushi, who was caught off guard with the sudden attention and almost slipped off the counter.

“Are these satisfactory, or would you like some fish?” Akutagawa asked, followed by a short laugh at his own joke.

Atsushi scowled, lightly shoving at Akutagawa’s shoulder and feeling how the man moved under his touch, easily and without hesitation. If Atsushi had done that a few months ago he would’ve gotten his hand cut off, or worse.

“No, those are fine. Thank you very much.” Atsushi added, slightly bowing and quickly taking the apple from Akutagawa’s hands. Akutagawa looked down at his hand, mumbling something to himself and placing the pocky back into the bag. Atsushi watched him meander around the kitchen for a few more minutes, he would fill a glass of water, down the whole thing and go back for seconds. Atsushi on the other hand just stood there, taking leisurely bites out of his apple so as to not overwhelm his stomach.

Once Akutagawa was done with his remarkable ten glasses of water, the two made their way back to the livingroom, and thankfully the couch. Atsushi resumed his position, curled up in the corner with his apple while Akutagawa sat closer, keeping himself under the blanket and coughing every few minutes.

Atsushi made quick work of his apple, even through his attempts to tell himself to slow down and actually enjoy it, he was just too hungry. And now that his hunger had been satisfied, exhaustion was quick to set in. It was an ever-present ache in his bones, made apparent by the throbbing in his head and the way his limbs had started to refuse to move.

His head had hit his knees at some point, eyes drifting shut as his body melted into the soft couch cushions below him. The AC was humming white noise while Akutagawa snorted a laugh every few minutes. Through his tiredness and comfort, he barely registered when he started to dirt off to sleep.

—-----

Akutagawa didn’t know what to do.

A few minutes ago he had been engrossed in his show, watching some petty couple dish out insults because someone sat beside someone else and they weren’t happy about it, then a snort cut through the air and Akutagawa had jumped so hard he thought he threw his back out.

It took a few seconds of catching his breath, but Akutagawa eventually tilted his head over and spotted the waretiger, fast asleep on the couch with his legs yanked to his chest. Akutagawa hummed, slowly dragging his eyes over his partner. It was odd to see him so calm, an untroubled crest falling over his face. Akutagawa wasn’t used to seeing the smooth line of his brows, or how his soft lips were slightly parted in his sleep.

Akutagawa could feel a flush rising to his cheeks, eliciting a groan from his mouth as he forced himself back into the cushions. This could not be happening. He refused to believe that he had actually willingly let the Waretiger in and now he was fast asleep on Akutagawa’s couch.

At least Atsushi wasn’t an ugly, or worse, loud, sleeper.

Akutagawa took a quick glance at the ticking clock on the wall, taking a few seconds to decide what he was going to do with Atsushi. His original plan was to just have himself sleep on the couch and Atsushi could take the bed, but that option was sounding less and less appealing by the minute. He didn’t really want to move Atsushi, and his back was aching hard enough for him to not want to stay curled up on the couch.

And so Akutagawa gave himself a determined nod, pushing himself off the couch and turning his gaze to Atsushi. One quick look could tell you the position was becoming uncomfortable, his arms starting to drag down his sides while his knees were starting to grow stiff. Akutagawa winced as his eyes drifted to Atsushi’s neck, imagining the pain it would be in the morning is enough to make Akutagawa start rearranging the man on his couch.

He carefully moved his arms underneath Atsushi’s legs, tilting his body all the slightest so the deathgrip on his knees would be relieved. Akutagawa slid his arms down to under the man's knees, straightening them out and grimacing at the slick sweat that accumulated on his hand. Akutagawa stiffened as he heard Atsushi suddenly groan, watching as the man rolled himself to the side and shoved his face into the backrest.

Since Atsushi was now on his side and not curled into an uncomfortable ball, Akutagawa considered his job done, a warm blossom of pride curling through his body.

Akutagawa opened his mouth in a yawn, pausing as the familiar tightening of his lungs made itself known. Quickly turning his body, Akutagawa coughed into his hand, trying to ignore the metallic stench that followed. His chest pounded as he took steady breaths, turning back to Atsushi.

He looked him over once more, grabbing one of the blankets and tossing it delicately over Atsushi before sighing. Akutagawa turned around swiftly, determined to not look for too long before he started to make his way to his own bed. Once at his door, Akutagawa briefly glanced behind him, pausing before mumbling: “Goodnight, Jinko.”

—-----

“Nail this into your foot!” The headmaster sneered, voice harsh as glass to Atsushi’s sensitive ears. He ducks away, feeling tears brim at the edges of his sore eyes. Atsushi grimaced, doubling over as his stomach gave another violent lurch, his small body struck with a painful hunger.

Atsushi wailed, tears streaming down his face as he gasped out sobs, “I can’t…I can’t do it!”

The Headmaster growled low in his throat, forcing the nail and hammer away from Atsushi’s hands in one violent strike. Atsushi froze, taking in the erupting noise of his heartbeat in his ears, a harsh breath caught in his throat.

The Headmaster yanked his arm back, driving the nail directly through Atsushi’s foot and into the ground below. "Then I shall do it for you. You must endure it, use this meaningful pain to reflect upon your sins, for you do not belong in this world. Many of us, including your parents, believe it would be better for everyone if you just died in a ditch.”

Metal flooded Atsushi’s senses as he instinctively bit down on his lip, forcing his mouth shut along with his screams of terror. He could already feel fat drops of tears streaking down his cheeks, mouth finally open in a silent scream that he refused to let out. He couldn’t give them the satisfaction of his pain. At least not an audible one. He refused to let them revel in it for it would only lead to more punishments.

Atsushi sucked in a breath, watching with wide, horrified eyes as the Headmaster let out a snort before taking a few steps back, his shoes clicking on the floor. “Remmeber this. Remember this well.”

—-----

Atsushi didn’t remember waking up, but he did remember the feeling of rolling off the couch. He leaned to the left, brows furrowed as he got lost in dream, and let out a sharp gasp as his body awkwardly tumbled off the edge. Before he registered what was happening, his shoulder struck the ground, followed by his hip and his tailbone, sending a straight jab right up his spine. A strangled whisper managed to escape his lips as he tried to catch his breath on the floor, taking a few moments to stare at the dark roof. Eventually, Atsushi flipped over to slowly paw at his throbbing head, pulling himself to his knees with one grunt of pain.

Running a hand through his hair, Atsushi wiped at his eyes, breath hitching when his hand came back wet. He paused, staring down at his fingers as another tear splattered down onto the skin.

“What..?”

Atsushi dabbed at his cheeks, as if he was checking it was actually happening, and promptly bit down onto his lip. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried in his sleep, he thought he outgrew it.

“Shit.” Atsushi mumbled, leaning forward until his head hit the couch cushions with a satisfying thud. He let in a hard breath, shoulders shaking with the effort. “Why’s this happening now?” He begged with a trembling voice, shaking hands coming up to thread in his hair. He yanked a little, nails digging into his scalp.

“...Jinko?”

Akutagawa’s calm voice cut through the disturbing silence. Atsushi’s breath hitched, a sharp gasp getting stuck in his throat.

It was due to pure instinct that Atsushi shoved himself away from the couch cushions, scrambling on awkward legs to stand up–which he did far too quickly for his sleep deprived brain. The room spun as Atsushi stumbled, one hand coming out to brace himself against the back of the couch. His vision blurred at the edges, black dots dancing around in his peripheral as he tried to blink them away. He swayed to the left, taking a deep breath before turning around to face Akutagawa.

It took a split second to realize that Akutagawa had seen him sobbing on the floor, head pushed into the cushions like a damn child. His heart pounded behind his ribs, cheeks flushing as Akutagawa watched him with an unsettling calm.

Atsushi pushed himself up, straightening his back until it popped even though his knees felt unsteady beneath him. He hurriedly wiped at his cheeks with the heel of his palm, hoping to look at least somewhat put together.

“Akutagawa, you’re awake.” He choked out, voice embarrassingly hoarse.

Akutagawa slowly nodded, his expression unreadable in the dim light. “I heard something fall, I simply wanted to make sure there were no intruders.”

It was such a simple message, someone who didn’t constantly work with Akutagawa would assume that was it, but Atsushi smiled at the implication that Akutagawa wanted to make sure he was okay.

Atsushi cleared his throat, mumbling awkwardly, “no, no intruders. Just..me”

Akutagawa’s eyes narrowed and he nodded, pursing his lips together as he debated the answer.

Atsushi dragged his gaze away. His hands come to fiddle with the edge of his sleeve, feeling where dried blood had made home into the pearly white fabric. He’d have to really clean it when he got back to the agency.

He could feel Akutagawa staring at him, even if he couldn’t see his face he could feel his sharp gaze dragging over his body.

He hated it.

He mainly hated it because he knew what he looked like, his eyes rimmed with red, hair thrown into a messy clump on top of his head, wet cheeks showing his weakness. Atsushi looked pathetic. And to make it worse, he looked pathetic in front of a man who had once vowed to kill him.

He rubbed his hands over his thighs, trying to rid them of the sweat that had gathered there.

“Are you alright?” Akutagawa finally asked, moving ever so closer to the couch. Atsushi could hear the hesitancy in his tone, that alone almost broke him. After a brief pause he added: “I heard what sounded like crying. But I could’ve been wrong.”

Atsushi’s small smile faltered, hands coming to mess with his shirt once more. He considered lying, he didn’t want to look weak in front of a Port Mafia member. He could laugh and say he fell off the couch, hurting his arm but he was fine now. It would be easy to blame the tears on exhaustion as well.

But Akutagawa was looking at him with something Atsushi couldn't decipher. In the dim light, it almost looked like concern. How many times had he seen that face in the last few hours?

Atsushi swallowed, shuffling on his feet. “I don’t know.”

Akutagawa’s brow furrowed, confusion leaking through the cracks on his face, “You don’t know?”

Atsushi let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “I truly don’t know.” He wiped at his eyes again only to find more tears starting to spill over. “It’s stupid.”

Akutagawa straightened, tilting his head. “It doesn’t sound stupid.”

Atsushi let out another small laugh that sounded too loud in the small space. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about.”

Akutagawa shook his head, sighing. “No, no I do not.” he paused for a brief moment, eyes darting around the room, “But I know you are crying.”

Atsushi’s next breath caught in his throat as he tilted his head away from the man in front of him, blinking rapidly to get rid of the fresh tears.

“I’m fine, Akutagawa.”

Akutagawa’s gaze hardened, hand coming to rest on his hip. “You’re crying, Jinko. Do you take me as a fool?”

Atsushi flinched, "I know.”

“Then you are not fine.”

That made Atsushi pause, the bluntness of the sentence almost making him break down laughing once more.

“Fine. You win.” Atsushi mumbled, “I just…I thought they stopped. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He admitted, almost too quiet for anyone to hear.

Akutagawa stayed quiet.

“I know I was sleeping, then I woke up on the floor of all places and I was crying–this stupid dream keeps coming to haunt me when I really thought I had gotten rid of them–” Atsushi let out a bitter laugh, frowning, “isn’t that pathetic?”

“No.”

Akutagawa answered so quickly that Atsushi finally glanced up. Akutagawa had moved closer, just far enough away that he couldn’t touch him.

He was just close enough that Atsushi could see the tension in his shoulders, poorly hidden under his sleep shirt. How his hands were rolled into balls at his side, as if he was stopping himself from reaching out.

“No,” Akutagawa repeated, softer this time, “no it is not.”

“Then what's wrong with me?” Atsushi whispered, holding onto the question like an unsaid prayer.

“Nothing.’ Akutagawa answered, "absolutely nothing.”

Atsushi snorted, rolling his eyes all the slightest, “how would you of all people know that?” he paused, worrying his lip, “you can’t.”

“I know enough.” Akutagawa argued, hands on his hips.

Atsushi lifted his head to look at Akutagawa. To his utter dismay, Akutagawa was watching him with such a serious expression that it threw him for a loop.

“I know you’re exhausted,” Akutagawa started, “I know that you’ve been weirdly quiet on our missions recently and it's honestly weird. I know you’re avoiding sleep whenever possible, despite insisting to everyone that you are, in fact, fine. And I know that you have moments where you stare into nothing, eyes as blank as a white wall when you think no one is watching you.”

Atsushi’s face fell, Akutagawa had noticed things about himself that he didn’t even notice. He had pointed out all of Atsushi’s flaws one by one like it was nothing. He honestly didn’t know if it made him uncomfortable or feel seen.

“You noticed all of that?”

Akutagawa nodded, scoffing slightly “of course I noticed.”

Atsushi’s fingers curled into his sleeves, ripping at the seams. “Why?”

“Becuase you’re my partner. And I pay attention to you.”

Atsushi would be forever contemplating how Akutagawa said those words so casually. He watched as Akutagawa’s eyes widened, his lips pursing as he registered what he said, and yet he didn’t take it back.

Atsushi narrowed his eyes, taking in Akutagawa’s expression as a small smile pulled at his lips. “You’re being weird.”

Akutagawa’s mouth twitched with amusement, “And you’re being irritating.”

Atsushi let out a tiny, broken laugh that lasted barely a second. Akutagawa tilted his head to the side, a tiny grin blooming on the sides of his mouth.

Atsushi felt his face crumple, quickly tilting his head to the roof as he furiously blinked. He covered his mouth, trying to swallow the sob that escaped him anyways.

“Fuck I’m sorry.” He grit out, bringing his glossy gaze back to Akutagawa’s face. His shoulders hunched forwards, unintentionally trying to make himself as small as possible.

“For what?”

Atsushi gestured at himself, his face burning as he tried to put his thoughts into words. He was never really good at that. “For this! For coming into your home. For taking your food, for stealing your couch and now breaking down in your living room at like three in the morning!”

Akutagawa’s features softened, his eyes raking over Atsushi. It was only slightly, but Atsushi could see how his shoulders relaxed and brows smoothed over.

“You do not need to apologize for being upset, it’s a human emotion that the best of us cannot escape.”

Atsushi shook his head, biting down on his lip, “you say that like this is normal.”

Akutagawa coughed into his shoulder, mumbling under his breath for a moment, “I can’t say this is something that's happened to me before..”

Atsushi snorted, wiping at his face once more, “that makes two of us.”

Turning his body, Atsushi practically threw himself back onto the couch. He pulled his knees up to his chest, leaning back on the soft cushions as Akutagawa watched him from above. “Can I ask you something?”

Akutagawa rocked back and forth on his feet, nodding.

“Why are you still here? I mean, awake.” Atsushi paused, gathering his thoughts, “like awake, with me.”

Akutagawa just looked at him, debating his choice of words.

“You could’ve gone back to bed.” Atsushi argued.

“I could have.”

“But you didn’t.” Atsushi pointed out, sniffling.

“No.”

Atsushi swallowed, feeling small under Akutagawa’s watching gaze. “Why?”

The question sat in the air for longer than Atsushi wanted it to. He didn’t answer immediately, he almost looked uncomfortable with the idea of having to explain himself. The question thrust him into unknown territory, one he didn’t know how to deal with.

He took a quick glance at Atsushi’s hands before returning his gaze back to his face.

“Because I heard you.”

Atsushi tilted his head in confusion, “and I was too annoying, so you couldn’t go back to sleep?”

Akutagawa quickly shook his head, moving closer so Atsushi could feel the warmth coming off of his body despite the chill in the room. “I heard you, and I was concerned.”

Atsushi felt his eyes burn as he turned his head away from Akutagawa almost immediately, trying desperately to hide the now-forming tears in his eyes. “Don’t say things like that.”

Akutagawa finally bent down, taking a seat next to Atsushi. Just close enough that if he wanted, Atsushi could reach out and touch him. “Why?

“Becuse if you start saying things like that then I have to believe you. And I don’t think I can bring myself to do that.”

Silence promptly filled the room, Atsushi found himself backing up into the cushions until he could feel the hard backing press against his shirt.

Akutagawa shifted, “I do mean it, even if you can’t bring yourself to believe it.”

Atsushi sniffed again, dragging the heel of his palm over his eyes to try and stop the onslaught of tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you awake, or make you worry. These dreams–memories–just keep coming back over and over and I can’t make it stop. They’ve burned into my eyelids so deeply that even when I think I’m safe they decide to show back up and ruin everything I’ve worked for.” He choked out, mumbling over himself.

Akutagawa hummed, “do you want to talk about it?”

Atsushi shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and bringing his hands into his lap. “No–not right now.”

“When you’re ready then.” Akutagawa decided, tilting so he was closer to Atsushi.

Atsushi let out a broken sob, his hands flying to his mouth in an attempt to cover it. His shoulders shook as he dipped his head down, drowning in embarrassment at how much he was losing control of his own emotions.

Akutagawa hesitated, uncertainty flooding every bone in his body. He frankly just didn’t know what to do, they had fought beside each other, hell they had fought each other in blood and sweat. Countless insults had passed between the two accompanied with a punch or a slap.

What was he meant to do when that same person was sobbing on his couch?

Atsushi sniffed, unfurling his legs and placing his feet steadily on the floor. He glared stubbornly at the floor, watching tears drop down onto his pants.

“I hate to admit it, but I really don’t want to be alone right now.” Atsushi mumbled, rubbing at his face as more tears spilled over.

Akutagawa’s gaze softened, a smile curling on his lips, “you don’t have to be.”

Atsushi’s breath caught in his throat, something warm blooming in his stomach. Slowly, he leaned to the side until his head came to rest against Akutagawa’s shoulder. He sat rigid for a moment, waiting for the other man to shove him off, but the moment never came. Atsushi relaxed into it, tension draining from his spine.

Akutagawa hesitated, but slowly brought his hand up to thread his fingers through Atsushi’s hair. Atsushi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, feeling how awkward and careful the touch was. But it was touch, and it was warm and comforting so Atsushi welcomed it with open arms.

Atsushi’s fingers curled into Akutagawa’s sleeve, holding on with more desperation than he wanted to admit.

“Stay?”

Akutagawa’s hand tightened slightly in his hair, his fingers moving through the strands in small, repetitive motions. The touch was hesitant, like he wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, but Atsushi found himself relaxing into it anyways. “Of course, Waretiger.”

Atsushi let out a quiet laugh, the sound muffled by Akutagawa’s shoulder, “ruining the moment I see.”

Akutagawa shook his head, leaning into Atsushi’s warmth to make himself more comfortable. His chin brushed against the top of Atsushi’s head, resting there. “I never do.”

The confidence in his response left Atsushi letting out another soft laugh. It was a small sound, but it was genuine and that's all Akutagawa was looking for. Atsushi took a deep breath. For the first time since waking up, his breathing began to slow. The painful knot that had grown in his chest was starting to unwind bit by bit, the tears that had once threatened to spill over had finally slowed down.

“Go to sleep, Jinko.” Akutagawa whispered, his voice barely audible. He shifted backwards on the cushions, making an effort to ensure that Atsushi wouldn’t have to move from his position. His free hand reached blindly for the blanket that Atsushi had thrown onto the floor, his fingers skimming over the fabric more than once before he was able to yank it up onto the couch.

With a small tug, Akutagawa pulled the blanket towards their bodies and attempted to drape it over the majority of their frames. He struggled briefly to pull it around with one hand, but he eventually settled for covering most of Atsushi’s legs and some of their torsos.

Atsushi nodded into his shoulder, quietly yawning as Akutagawa’s fingers returned to the back of his head. He sank further into the warmth, relishing in the feeling of having someone beside him. “Thank you, Akutagawa.”

Akutagawa’s hand paused briefly in his hair before continuing the soft rhythm.

“Of course, Atsushi.”