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It was around 5 in the morning and he still had not gone to sleep yet. Usopp had been completely focused on fixing his current slingshot, in order to hopefully make it more powerful and improve his distance. Scribbling over his sketches he groans and slams his head onto the papers on his desk. It wasn’t going anywhere.
Head still smushed into the papers, Usopp reached outwards, hand searching his desk for his older slingshot, which he left on the side of his work as sort of an inspiration. It was a memory of where he had come from, and a reminder of the improvements he had made. He had originally hoped that the reminder would keep the self-hatred at bay, but most times it served as a reminder of his own failures.
“Huh?”
In his hand, he felt something sharp, nothing like his slingshot. Usopp lifts up his head, glancing at whatever he was holding in his hand. It was his exacto knife. It had made a small cut into his fingers causing a few small drops of blood to run down his arm. Usopp hissed at the pain, dropping the knife and blowing on the cut. Pointless? Sure, but it helped to lessen his pain mentally.
Usopp opened the drawer under his desk in order to grab the bandages. After wrapping up his finger like a mummy, Usopp turned back towards his work. “Where the heck is it?”
His slingshot was typically always on the corner of his desk where he could easily grab it. Franky wouldn’t have touched it. Usopp had freaked out a bit when Franky had picked up his precious weapon to inspect it, essentially screaming a bit at Franky to give it back. Franky had been startled by his behaviour, the shocked look on his face snapping Usopp out of his frenzied state. He had profusely apologized to him for days, despite the Cyborg forgiving him immediately.
Usopp searches the entire workshop to no avail. Was it possible that one of the others took it as a prank? No, unlikely. They knew what had happened when Franky touched it. The only plausible explanation left was that he had misplaced it somehow. Groaning, he rubs his forehead with his good hand, eyes slightly tearing up. He really is useless. He can’t fight like everyone else and he can’t even take care of his own belongings.
If he could not compare his current self, lacking, not having achieved much, to his past self who was even more pathetic, how would he ever be okay with himself? How different was he really from the Usopp of the past? A physical reminder had helped. It was physical and present evidence that he had really changed. He was different now. He wasn’t a waste of space.
His cheeks were wet.
He laid down onto the floor.
He stayed there.
Was this really something to be upset about? Was he hoarding? Was it considered hoarding to hold onto the memories of the past? It was always possible that one day something terrible would happen to him and he wouldn’t be able to be a pirate anymore. Assuming he had survived, albeit unlikely, he would at least have something that reminded him of his crew members. A keepsake even.
Although, if they had a falling out, the slingshot would serve more as a punishment. If he was kicked out for being weak, the slingshot would simply serve as a reminder of his pain. He had left the crew at Water 7 before they could leave him. He could do that again. It would be incredibly pathetic and awful of him and he’d likely regret it for the rest of his life for doing it to his crewmembers twice, but maybe he’d be doing them a favour?
His first weapon was already the embodiment of loss. Loss of his own father, loss of his mother, loss of his crew. His mother had gifted it to him, his father had taught him how to shoot. But worst of all, the greatest offence: he had turned this weapon on his own captain–on his own friend.
The knife. The knife on his desk. He could just end it now, right now, then the bad thoughts would end. It wouldn’t matter if he had his first slingshot or not if he was a corpse. His crew didn’t really need him, he didn’t contribute all that much anyway. They didn’t seem to like him that much at the moment anyway.
No one ever came to his workshop to check on him. He spent large portions of the day down here and no one had ever come to see what he was doing. Well, aside from Franky but that didn’t count as Franky was interested in inventing and building, not Usopp. Okay, maybe other crewmembers have visited him occasionally but it was probably out of pity so it also doesn’t count.
Why did no one care about him?
Usopp slowly gets off the floor, standing up to grab the knife. After grasping it in his hands, he sinks back to the floor. He stares at it. He did not flinch at the pain when he was initially cut earlier. It had taken a second to register. However, he hadn’t really enjoyed the stinging sensation afterwards. He did not like blood. He also did not like how cuts felt on his skin. He had preferred to use one of his own slingshots to strike himself with ammo that wasn’t deadly, only leaving bruises. Bruises could be easily explained to his friends, as someone who experimented with weapons frequently. A large amount of open wounds were a bit more difficult to explain away by someone who did not fight with swords nor people with swords.
What was the correct method for dying immediately? Would cutting his neck work? He wasn’t exactly an expert in dying quickly. It would have been easier to use his current slingshot had he been finished fixing it. Maybe he should simply just accept the pain as a punishment. Who cares if he suffered? He deserved it for what he had put the crew through anyway.
“Okay, I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.” Ussop reassured himself. He brings the blade to his neck, and hesitates.
The door to the workshop opens, revealing Sanji holding a tray of food. “Usopp, I brought you your break–”
He freezes.
Usopp drops the knife in a panic, putting his hands out in front of him and waving them.“It’s not what you think Sanji, I swear! I swear to you! I was only thinking about it! I didn’t like the idea of being in pain anyway so I couldn’t go through with it so it’s no big deal, haha, nothing to see here! You can put the food down and go, I promise to bring the tray up to you later!”
Usopp moves to grab the tray from Sanji, who lets him. Usopp sighs with relief and moves to his desk to sit and eat. Sanji takes a seat by his desk and lights a cigarette, a puff of smoke being released into the room.
Normally Usopp would raise a complaint about this, but he figured he could let it go this one time. Usopp is still for a minute, waiting for Sanji to tell him off, but it never comes. Usopp eats his breakfast slowly, struggling to swallow his food but he manages. Sanji just continues to smoke, watching him quietly. When Usopp finishes his food, he stands up abruptly and picks up the tray. “Thanks for the food Sanji! Delicious as always! I would know of course, did I tell you that I used to be a world famous food critic? Yes, I was in fact the most pop–”
“Sit down, Usopp.”
Usopp sits back down immediately.
“Why, Usopp?”
Usopp swallows. “Why what?”
Sanji doesn’t waver. “Answer me, Usopp.”
“I don’t really want to talk about this, Sanji.”
“Well too bad! My friend tries to, what, kill himself and now he doesn’t want to talk about it. Well tough luck!” Sanji slams his hand on the desk and continues, “Do you think I’m capable of just letting something like this go?! You’re my friend!”
Usopp crumbles. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t aware that he was being irrational. Of course he was. There was a little voice at the back of his mind screaming at him to stop, but it was truly hard to care at that moment. His hesitation was purely attributable to the human survival instinct, not to any last minute reservations. At least it was still intact and working. He knew his friends loved him, of course they did, but he didn’t feel that way. The dichotomy of logic and emotion.
“I lost my slingshot,” Usopp responds quietly.
“You lost your slingshot…Usopp it’s right on your desk.” Sanji’s nose scrunches.
“No! Not that one, my original!”
Sanji’s eyes widen slightly. “Okay, that’s unfortunate, but what does that have to do with you trying to leave us?”
Usopp huffs. Of course he doesn’t get it. Why would he? Usopp is far gone from the realm of understanding at this point. Who could understand his foolishness but himself?
“It meant a lot to me.”
Sanji tenses, and pinches himself on his arm, murmuring under his breath.
“You don’t get it! That’s fine, but don’t you dare judge me!” Usopp cries.
“No one is judging you Usopp! Make me understand! Let us be there for you! Talk to us instead of making drastic decisions!” Sanji grabs Usopp by his shoulders.
Before Usopp can get anything out, the other crew members come into the room.
“What’s going on you guys? We heard yelling.” Nami asks, eyeing the two of them. Sanji darts his eyes back and forth, unsure of what to do. Usopp speaks for him.
“I lost my slingshot and tried to kill myself, no big deal, anyways, how soon until the next island?” Usopp tries to take advantage of his shocked friends, sans Sanji, and leave, but is blocked by his captain.
“Usopp.”
Usopp refuses to look at him.
“Usopp!” Luffy grabs his hand, squeezing gently, a stark contrast to the volume of his voice. Usopp meets his eyes finally. “I’m sorry Luffy.” He whispers. He wasn’t quite sure what exactly he was apologizing for. Luffy squeezes his hand again. “Listen, I won't ask you to explain yourself right now, but you’re staying with me the rest of the day, captain’s orders.” Luffy turns to the doctor. “Chopper, is there any way you could help him?” Chopper had already jumped onto Usopp’s leg, hugging him and sobbing uncontrollably. “Y-yes,” he wipes his nose, “there are some medicines that could potentially help, I’ll get to work on them.” Luffy nods and turns back to Usopp. Before he can speak again Zoro interjects.
“Usopp, we’re going to have to talk about this whether you like it or not.” His voice was stern but he shifted uncomfortably.
Sanji sighs, and adds on.
“It’s important, we don’t want you to put yourself in harm’s way.”
Nami envelops him in a hug, tears running down her face, silently crying. She doesn’t say anything, but Usopp understands how she feels. To suffer in silence and handle it all on your own. It wasn’t pleasant and she knew that better than anyone else.
Robin touches his hair gently. Robin. “You won’t lose us, ever. We will be with you until the end and through all your tribulations.” To know of and suffer loss, a silent grief that never dims, a dull scar that doesn't fade.
Usopp rubs at his eyes and thanks the others. It was relieving to directly hear that his friends cared about him even though he did already know it rationally.
Franky pats him on the back gently. “You don’t need to be perfect, you can just exist and that’s super enough for the rest of us. We love having you around.”
Luffy speaks again, “We’ll find your slingshot later, don’t worry about it right now.”
Letting Luffy lead him up onto the deck, Usopp squeezes Luffy’s hand. Luffy squeezes back twice.