Chapter Text
The Courtship of Spiders
(Or Seven Steps to Win Back Your Girlfriend)
...
1. The Peacock Spider (Maratus volans)
"In the vast wilderness of the Australian bush, the male Peacock Spider engages in one of nature’s most extravagant displays. To catch the female’s eye, he elevates his abdomen and initiates a frantic, rhythmic sequence of lateral sidesteps and rapid leg-vibrations—a high-stakes dance where a single missed beat could spell disaster."
Peter sat at a table in the coffee shop, his foot tapping rhythmically against the floor in a restless cadence, sweating under his light jacket. His eyes darted to the clock on the wall every few seconds, openly keeping track of every passing beat, completely unable to quiet his rising anxiety.
This wasn't a date, his rational mind kept trying to convince his racing brain.
Michelle had simply agreed to meet him here after leaving her new job—the one she had started just that week. It was a totally casual hangout, just to catch up and blow off steam after a busy routine. It wasn't a date. Yet, with his heart hammering against his ribs and nervous adrenaline bubbling through his veins, his instincts persistently whispered that yesssssss, it was absolutely a date, and he couldn't afford to blow this opportunity.
Peter had been completely caught off guard when, shortly after he was discharged from the hospital and Ned had remembered who he was, Michelle stepped right up to him and got straight to the point:
"Do you still love me, Peter?" Wide-eyed and thoroughly disarmed, he could only nod stupidly in response. "Then meet me at the coffee shop tomorrow at seven, and don't keep me waiting. I'm giving us a chance to start over from scratch. I don't remember you, or anything we did together, so no funny business or weird stuff. I don't know you, but I'm willing to change that, so don't make me regret it."
Peter, to his endless embarrassment, almost burst into tears on the spot.
Which was precisely why he was sitting obediently at the agreed place, having arrived half an hour early just to be safe. There were only a few people in the café, and his nerves were stretched completely taut as his foot kept up its relentless rhythm against the floor.
One minute to go, and she hadn't shown up yet.
She wasn't going to stand him up again, was she? She was really coming, right? Please don't dump me again, my heart can't take it. He would wait for her even if she was late; hell, he would wait an eternity for her if he had to.
For God's sake, Parker, are you really that desperate?
At exactly seven o'clock, the door swung open with a soft chime. Michelle stepped inside, and their eyes locked.
She looked absolutely stunning.
And that made his brain shut down completely.
It started with a distinctly weird sensation—his blood suddenly warming and rushing through his body, leaving him lightheaded and buoyant. It felt disturbingly similar to the way his freakish Spider-mutations flared up to say hello at the most inconvenient times.
Please, Peter thought, standing up to greet his... official girlfriend? Could he call her his girlfriend again already? Please, not right now!
"MJ!" he squeaked out a cheerful greeting and stepped forward.
Then his body locked up.
Before he could stop himself, Peter's hands snapped high above his head, elbows locked rigid. He veered sharply to the side, and instead of walking in a straight line toward her, he launched into a series of rapid, lateral sidesteps. He bumped hard against several tables along the way, knocking over cups and plates in a sequence of agonizingly rhythmic little hops as his hips twitched side-to-side in a frantic, hypnotic shimmy.
As he stumbled past the counter, he forced his hands to grab hold and stick to the surface for dear life, bringing his bizarre movements to a screeching halt.
The coffee shop fell into a deafening silence. Every single worker and customer was openly staring at him, jaws dropped in utter shock.
Michelle blinked slowly, her eyes wide with surprise and a hint of concern, clearly unsure if he was having a localized seizure or some kind of neurological event.
"Peter... are you okay?" she asked hesitantly, eyeing her old new boyfriend up and down. "Is this... did you hit your head too hard during your... parkour activities, or did you just discover a TikTok dance trend? I'm trying to decide if I should call an ambulance or not."
Peter’s face flushed a deep, volcanic crimson. He tried to keep himself still, but his legs kept jittering sideways like a confused crab. He glued his hands harder to the counter to force his body to submit.
So much for 'no weird stuff' on their first non-date.
"I—MJ, I swear to God, I’m trying to walk normally. My legs are just—huh... just... please ignore me, I'm so sorry!"
Michelle arched an eyebrow. Slowly, dry amusement began to light up her dark brown eyes. A flash of realization passed through her gaze, and Peter recognized the exact moment she connected the dots.
After all, he just had to run his big mouth earlier and confide in an overexcited Ned about his new spider mutations.
Of course she would notice.
God, please let the floor open up and swallow me whole.
"I... I really don't know why I did that," Peter added weakly, failing to convince even himself.
The amusement on her face became even greater.
"I'd ask if you're trying to flirt," Michelle said, her tone dripping with affectionate sarcasm, "but I’ve seen a vibrating washing machine on its spin cycle with more romantic charisma than... whatever you just tried to do."
Peter choked, coughing repeatedly as he dragged himself through the seven stages of embarrassment. Michelle snorted softly, stepped forward, and looped her arm through his, casting a sharp, deadpan stare at the rest of the shop.
"What are you losers looking at?"
And dragging the Spider-Hero behind her, she swept out of the coffee shop with effortless grace.