Chapter Text
Maya tried.
She truly did for days which turned into weeks, eventually evolving to months. Seven months to be exact. But witnessing Carina’s mental decline and refusal to acknowledge it pushed the blonde to her limits.
Carina had been transparent and upfront with her mental health since they started dating. Schizophrenia. Diagnosed early in her twenties and only one bad enough manic episode that landed her in a private mental health facility all the way in Verona.
Only a handful of people knew of this four month stint that nearly broke Carina.
Lucia. Andrew. Gabriella. And now Maya.
But it was Lucia who revealed so much surrounding the diagnosis and how it came to be.
Vincenzo DeLuca was at the epicenter of it all. A man who had spent his entire career refusing to acknowledge his bipolar, claiming it to be work related stress. He refused medication, screaming the heads off of Lucia and Carina for dragging him to a clinic.
He did not speak to Carina for weeks afterwards.
And when Lucia took Andrew, leaving for the United States, Vincenzo turned all his fury and abuse on his only daughter.
Carina.
She barely survived those years, running away to Rome the night of her eighteenth birthday with nothing more than a suitcase and a secret trust fund set up by Lucia.
Carina was barely two years into medical school when it started. Another six months before Gabriella caught on to what was happening to her best friend.
Sleeping less and less.
Slowly and deliberately cutting off contact with Lucia and Andrew.
More than often Carina found herself unable to focus, her once pristine grades slipping. Advisors warned the Italian her academic performance was becoming sloppy and poor.
Each time Carina alternated between anger and shame for being called out.
The worst of it all was the inherently haunting and terrifying hallucinations coupled with paranoia.
It all came to a head when Carina had not been seen or heard from in nearly two months. Professors expressing great concern for her wellbeing and safety.
Gabriella had been keeping track in a notebook that was filled to the brim of symptoms, behaviors, including dozens of absences from labs.
Lucia had grown increasingly worried in those two and a half years after hearing very little from Carina in that time. Andrew had become confused, wondering why his older sister did not want to talk to him or their mother.
That confusion turned into resentment and hatred for Carina, going as far as to accuse her of abandoning him and Lucia. It was during a rare phone call that Carina actually answered and talked at length.
It abruptly ended and since then, Carina cut off every channel of communication. Letters went unopened, tossed aside into a shoebox shoved deep into her bedroom closet.
End of year exams came and went, Gabriella noting that these were the rare moments she saw Carina. Her clothes now appeared disheveled at all times, eyes wide and wildly scanning her surroundings.
Only to retreat back to her apartment once exams were done and out of the way.
Having been stuck in limbo for months, Gabriella took the spare key she had for emergencies, finding Carina’s apartment in a complete state of disarray.
Furniture pushed against every corner, holes in walls, a home looking like a tornado had torn through leaving nothing but destruction.
None of that alarmed Gabriella. What did terrify her was finding Carina in her bedroom pacing back and forth talking to herself.
“Mettono dispositivi di ascolto ovunque,” Carina was angrily pulling on her own hair mid pacing, words barely coherent. “Vogliono uccidermi!”
Just before hurling a ceramic mug filled with coffee at the wall, shattering into thousands of pieces. What Carina did not see was Gabriella venturing further into the apartment, calling her name.
Gabriella heard more commotion coming from the bedroom, pushing aside a door barely hanging on its hinges.
Eyes wide in horror, all Gabriella could hear was Carina frantically saying voices were trying to kill her, that everyone was an agent sent to torture her.
Nothing could be done about Carina’s mental state at the hospital both were set to do rotations starting in the fall, the director stating multiple times that they were too understaffed and improperly equipped for psychiatric patients.
It was already a nightmare getting Carina there in the first place, admitted to a general ward and pumped full of sedatives.
Gabriella had made the call, filling Lucia and Andrew in. Both made the decision to temporarily relocate back to Italy until Carina stabilized again.
It was a tough pill to swallow when Carina was moved to a private mental health facility all the way in Verona, taking months to stabilize and getting Carina to accept her schizophrenia diagnosis alongside complying with a strict medication regimen.
Carina would never wish this pain on anyone, even her enemies. She had initially resisted treatment, becoming violent a handful of times in the first few weeks, eventually settling after a heartbreaking visit from Andrew.
“I hated you for so many years thinking you abandoned me and Mamma,” Andrew’s voice cracked, watching Carina pull her knees up to her chest in tears. “I’m beginning to think that coming home to help you was a mistake. That I should continue to hate my own dear sorella.”
Carina firmly clamped her hands over her ears, too pained to hear Andrew continue to speak.
“Ti voglio bene, Carina,” he tried taking her hands but was met with resistance. “Ma vederti in questo stato mi fa molto male. Sei mia sorella. E mi spezza il cuore dirlo, ma se non accetti aiuto e non inizi a prendere le medicine, non ti rivolgerò mai più la parola.”
Maybe it was hearing that threat of never talking to her again that snapped some sense into Carina.
“Okay…” she whispered through tears.
Carina knew how Andrew felt, understanding him. Both siblings having a long standing agreement never to bring up Vincenzo DeLuca or referring to each other as him.
Vincenzo had refused to acknowledge he had a problem, insisting that there was nothing wrong including becoming volatile verbally.
She did not want to become him. So when Andrew said that to Carina, if she did not get help that he would never talk to her again, it snapped something.
Those words would haunt Carina in her darkest moments over the years. And now that Maya had deep and intimate knowledge of her wife’s mental health history, the blonde was determined to help her in any way possible, even if it came at the expense of her own sanity.
Maya knew the stigma surrounding people living with schizophrenia.
That they are dangerous when unmedicated.
Violent and unstable.
That people with schizophrenia are beyond saving.
That prison, homelessness, or being institutionalized was a better option for them.
Maya loved Carina for who she is, not for her mental illness. Carina was the type of soul who was caring, patient, understanding, always going above and beyond for those around her. But when it came to herself, Carina struggled immensely.
Unworthy of love, calling herself dangerous, and an automatic threat to any future children they would have.
Not once did Maya abandon Carina. Holding her hand through every medication schedule, when her thoughts became dark and voices threatened to surface, all of it.
So it was a surprise to the blonde when she noticed the cracks.
Speaking in hushed voices to herself.
Double checking every single thing in the house.
Avoiding mirrors.
But what scared Maya the most was finding Carina’s medication stashed in a small tin box hidden behind cleaning supplies. Each morning Maya thought Carina had been swallowing the pills turned out to be a lie.
Carina must have been slipping the pills into her cheek, retreating to the supply closet and depositing each pill into the tin.
“For how long?” Maya whispered to herself when she came across the tin one day while cleaning.
She knew not to confront Carina head on, having talked to Diane and a bit in doing her own research. Never confront a schizophrenic patient head on. Confrontation would only lead to a rapid deterioration and adamant refusal that nothing is wrong.
So Maya did what she knew was best, and that was to document.
Maya kept a small leatherback journal hidden inside a shoebox tucked away in the deepest corner of the walk-in closet her and Carina shared.
Each small piece written down in neat penmanship before being tucked away. It nearly destroyed Maya every day seeing her wife deteriorate right before her eyes.
March 15th: Another medication toss. Carina pretending to be normal.
March 16th: Carina awake for twenty four hours, pacing the house while checking every single nook and cranny. Claims there are agents spying on us.
March 18th: Day off for the both of us. Carina has barely slept in seventy two hours, four unusual crying spells since morning for no apparent reason. Barely touched breakfast, refused to eat lunch. Had to sedate Carina after a minor violent outburst and get her to sleep some.
March 25th: Collapsed during a c-section. Miranda and Teddy expressed their concerns. Carina immediately became defensive.
March 30th - April 5th: Delusions have become increasingly worse. Still firmly set on the belief that agents have the house bugged and are ready to kidnap or potentially kill. Refuses to eat, now believing that the food has been poisoned, even when I prepare the meal in Carina’s presence. Revealed that voices have told her all food and drink are poisoned, manufactured to control her.
April 9th: I honestly do not know how much more I can take. Carina took a sabbatical out of the blue, leaving no explanation to Grey Sloan administration. Now spends day and night arguing with the voices, avoids windows. Has stated since the beginning of April that the same tall dark figure stands outside the house peering inside.
April 30th: Violent outbursts happening at least three times a day. Holes punched into walls, multiple broken dishes. Multiple self inflicted injuries. I can’t do this anymore. I love Carina but I don’t know what to do. She is going to hate me.
Each entry that Maya wrote down ripped away at her heart. Every day the blonde would cry herself to sleep, alternating from hers and Carina’s bedroom to the guest room and living room couch giving Carina time to cool down.
Something completely shattered in Maya, unsure if she would ever forgive herself for secretly researching divorce lawyers, actually going through with the initial consult, and having very real papers drawn up. Maya held the papers in trembling hands, reading each line.
Several times mentioned throughout that Carina had not been taking her medication, cites for safety concerns, not only for Carina herself, but Maya. But it was the documented journal entries that were the final straw.
Maya held out hope that she could help Carina from crashing and burning completely. Divorce would be an automatic situation in the case of a spouse who refused to acknowledge their mental illness.
No.
She would not become a statistic.
Instead of immediately filing the paperwork for divorce, Maya tucked them away in the same shoebox which contained a nearly now full journal. After much back and forth, an hour long screaming match, and yet another instance of being sedated, Maya got to work.
Maya grabbed her laptop from her nightstand, stopping to look at Carina. Deep circles under her eyes had formed, body thin and frail looking.
The blonde leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to Carina’s forehead.
“I won’t give up on you, I promise,” Maya whispered through tears, hating seeing her own wife in pain. “I know you will hate me for this but it has to be done.”
In the midst of consulting a divorce attorney, Helen Garrett, Maya had brought up what was going on with Carina. Helen immediately halted her conversation with Maya, scribbling down a name on paper and sliding it over to the blonde.
Michael Brenneman
“With the mountain of evidence you have,” Helen spoke matter of factly, voice neutral and understanding. “Michael can file for an ex parte today given that Carina poses a significant risk to herself and others. Now if you plan on filing for guardianship long term, I suggest you do it the same day as the ex parte.”
Maya sat with this information. In her marriage with Carina, not once had the Italian come remotely close to the level of severity as she was in the moment.
Helen leaned forward, hands clasped firmly in front of her. “If you do go through with the ex parte, Carina will be under your guardianship for upwards of four months.”
“She barely leaves our bedroom,” Maya tried to keep her tears at bay, unable to hold them back. “It’s a constant fight on the daily to get Carina downstairs just to eat and drink. Fuck, half the time she does not recognize me, the day, or where she is. Day in and day out all Carina does is talk to someone who is not there.”
“Go speak with Michael,” Helen picked up her desk phone, already dialing a familiar number. “His office is four doors down. There’s a possibility you can get a same day hearing or within twenty four hours.”
“Carina needs help now,” Maya hissed, running her frustrated hands through her hair. “Like now. Not tomorrow or in the next week, she hasn’t taken her medication in over a month and the violent outbursts are only getting worse.”
Helen sighed, understanding her client’s urgency for help at that moment. Maya was at her wits end but refused to give up on her wife.
“Carina’s brother is at home with her,” Maya was already sending a text to Andrew, idea formulating. “I can have him bring her into Grey Sloan for bloodwork. Tell Michael to meet me there in three hours.”
“Are you sure?”
Maya smiled sadly, knowing it had to be done no matter how fucked up her idea was by luring Carina to Grey Sloan under false pretenses. The bloodwork part was true.
Carina’s refusal to barely eat in that time had set off alarm bells. Fainting spells, constant nausea, headaches, and possible anemia.
“I’m sure.”
Andrew had brought Carina into Grey Sloan as promised. Ben having been briefed. He made the decision to bring Amelia on, knowing both were the only two people Carina trusted the most out of anyone else.
Carina found it a bit odd when Andrew led her to a private room, eyeing him suspiciously.
“Why are we here, Andrea?” Carina sat cross legged on the bed, picking at a loose thread on the folded blanket.
“Just some bloodwork to make sure you’re okay,” Andrew shrugged casually, sitting nearby while simultaneously glancing towards the door.
She raised an eyebrow, studying every small movement Andrew made. His posture seemed tense, eyes flickering towards the door every few seconds. Carina did not buy his act one bit.
A knock then Maya entered, eyes hollow yet full of immense sadness. The blonde climbed into the bed, pulling Carina close.
Carina’s entire body went still, immediately disassociating, voices completely taking over.
You know Maya and Andrew are not on your side?
Both of them are just one of many agents sent to abduct and kill you.
Maya just wants to lock you up.
“Maya non mi farebbe mai una cosa del genere,” Carina looked towards the tall ghostly looking figure standing in the corner. “Sono qui solo per delle analisi del sangue. Nient’altro. Cosa ti fa pensare che stia cercando di farmi internare?”
Maya isn’t your wife. Andrew isn’t your brother. They are agents who have been spying on you for years. Those pills you have been taking? Mind control devices designed to turn you into a robot.
That little blood test? It’s a lie.
“No, non lo è!” Carina screamed, lunging out of bed towards the figure, only to be met with resistance.
Andrew had his arms wrapped around Carina in a bear tight hug, taking every punch, kick, bites, and scratches.
“Let me go, Andrea! You’re trying to kill me! You and Maya! They sent you!” screaming incoherently, Carina swung her head back violently, landing a bone sickening blow to Andrew’s nose.
“I promise you we are not trying to kill you,” Maya held her hands up in surrender while backing towards the slightly open door. “We just want to make sure you’re healthy and not anemic or anything.”
“They said the bloodwork is a ruse!” Carina fought back, breaking free from Andrew’s grip and lunging for Maya instead. “You’re an agent just like him! Get the— Andrea!”
By then both Amelia and Ben had heard the commotion, rushing in with four other nurses.
Maya backed into a corner, sobbing openly and freely as she slid down to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest.
She watched as Carina fought with tremendous strength against every doctor and nurse.
“All of you are agents trying to kill me!” Carina screamed, yanking her hands against the restraints around her wrists. “Get that mind control device away from me!”
Carina writhed in bed, fighting against restraints until her entire body went still. Amelia had managed to jab the needle into Carina’s upper arm, injecting her with a heavy sedative.
All the while Ben was beside Maya, coaching her through a panic attack. Once the blonde was more calm, Ben helped her up on shaky legs. Maya sat in a chair beside Carina, taking her hands into hers.
“It’s not your fault, my love,” Maya’s voice was hoarse from crying. “You are battling a monster that is scary as hell.”
Amelia managed to get two blood vials after having sedated Carina, passing them off to a nearby nurse who nodded before disappearing.
“I can have the results fast tracked,” she offered which Maya nodded gratefully. “But you need to tell me what the hell is going on?”
Maya closed her eyes, centering her breathing to calm herself even more.
“Carina stopped taking her meds six months ago and it’s all just been one fallen domino after another,” she finally admitted. “The delusions and paranoia have been exceptionally horrible. But only within the last two months has she been having more violent episodes.”
Amelia bit her lip, immediately looking anywhere but at Maya, almost as if the neurosurgeon was hiding something.
“Violent?” Ben asked, intrigued.
Maya wouldn’t be lying if she said she could list off every violent incident involving Carina. She had to tell them or risk being investigated by SPD. And Maya already knew their track record with how mentally ill individuals are treated by police.
“Mostly self harm,” Maya gently pulled up Carina’s shirt, displaying deep scars, some recently healed while others appeared weeks old. “Carina would scratch herself with her nails until she was raw and bleeding. Others—“
“What do you mean by that?”
Maya shook her head, pulling the shirt down before motioning to Carina’s arms.
“Holes in walls, broken vases, you name it,” the blonde choked on the last part, her body shaking slightly at each memory. “She’d cut herself with shards of glass while screaming there were microchips inside of her recording everything.”
A man who appeared in his late forties with sleek black hair and brown eyes had slipped in, shocking Ben and Amelia.
That effectively halted Maya’s conversation, turning towards the man who was carrying a briefcase.
“Michael Brenneman?” Maya shook his hand, motioning for him to join. “Maya DeLuca-Bishop. Another lawyer, Helen, gave me your card. Said you could help me file for an ex parte to get emergency guardianship of my wife, Carina.”
Michael nodded, already taking down notes. He had sat down, getting to work while going through the provided documents Maya had given Helen.
“I have to commend you for your well kept documentation, Maya,” the lawyer praised, looking at the blonde with a polite nod. “Just by looking at everything here you have given me and Helen, I can draft the emergency guardianship papers and have you in front of a judge by the end of business day.”
“T— today?” Maya stuttered in absolute shock. “I expected to get a hearing in like two months, but as soon as today? Thank you.”
Michael nodded.
Meanwhile the entire conversation, Amelia had been in the corner staring intently at Maya, immense guilt having settled in since being paged to sedate her own friend and colleague.
“This is her third psychotic episode,” Amelia blurted out, body trembling in fear. “Carina had only been in Seattle for eight and a half months by then. Symptoms began surfacing around month four and only got worse from there. Her auditory and visual delusions were the worst.”
That seemed to poke at the lawyer’s attention who physically turned around to face Amelia
“Can you elaborate further on that?”
“She always spoke about how a shadowy like figure with no face followed her from room to room, mirroring every single movement,” Amelia realized as she continued to speak that these details sounded haunting. “That this figure was sent by the government to watch her every move and report back to its commander. Day by day Carina fell further into psychosis until—“
Clearly rattled by the memory, Amelia reaches a hand out, both Maya and Ben rushing to her side in comfort.
“I found Carina in her office one afternoon stabbing herself in the chest with a scalpel while crying and screaming that mind control agents put an explosive tracking device in her heart,” Amelia broke down, having kept this bottled up for the last eight years. “I will never forget those cries, let alone seeing the fear in her eyes.”
“Oh fuck,” Maya took Amelia’s hands into hers, eyes stinging from all the tears. “I am so sorry you had to go through that. I— I had no idea.”
Amelia allowed herself to fall apart in Maya’s arms with Ben hovering close by. Maya held the neurosurgeon through heartbroken tears as all feelings came pouring out at once.
“Carina begged me over and over to make them stop,” Amelia rested her head on Maya’s shoulder, heart heavy and sniffling, the attorney raising a questioning eyebrow. “The voices and agents. She asked me to stop them.”
By the time Michael was done, he had all he needed, having filled four pages full of additional information.
“One last question before I go and draft up the guardianship petition, Doctor Shepherd,” Michael stood by the room entrance, leaning against the frame. “Were there any complications or medical issues from Mrs. DeLuca-Bishop’s suicide attempt?”
Maya herself turned a sickly shade of green the moment her lawyer mentioned the word suicide. How would it even be classified? Suicide attempt? A psychosis fueled episode where a faceless figure told Carina the only way to make it all stop was by carving out a ‘tracking device’ embedded in her chest?
“From what was relayed to me by Doctor Altman, a good amount of blood leaked into the heart valve causing moderate damage,” Amelia admitted, that day clear in her mind. “Carina ended up needing a complete valve replacement three months after the incident.”
Maya threw up into a bin Ben had thrust into her lap, Amelia holding her hair back.
How had she not known this?
Amelia and Ben thanked Michael, bidding the man farewell.
Carina was still sedated thankfully. Ben helped Maya to the restroom, one arm wrapped around the blonde’s waist to keep her from toppling over.
Maya splashed some water into her face before grabbing the small travel sized bottle of mouthwash, swishing the liquid around in her mouth before spitting it out.
“I will stay with Carina while you go to the hearing,” Ben already took up his position in a chair by Carina’s bedside, watching the steady rise and fall of her chest. “Keep you updated on when she is moved to psych.”
“Thank you.”
Maya was able to go home, get some proper rest before having to ready herself and drive over to the courthouse to meet Michael. It was not as packed, most hearings this late in the day being for last minute restraining orders or fighting traffic tickets.
During proceedings Maya had silenced her phone but got periodic text messages from Ben about how Carina was doing, including Amelia.
Something told Maya she would need to check in on Amelia once she got back to Grey Sloan.
Maya came out of that hearing unscathed though her heart felt heavy. She was granted emergency guardianship of Carina with a judge scheduling a follow up hearing in a week to determine how long the guardianship should last.
Only at that follow up hearing would determine if Carina would need it long term.
Once she was back in her car, Maya pulled her phone from her pocket, scrolling through the few text messages.
Ben Warren: Carina is still sedated. Andrew gave psych her history.
Ben Warren: Psych agreed not to move Carina until you get back.
Andrew DeLuca: Mamma is flying in from Wisconsin. Gabriella is coming from San Francisco, almost here.
Amelia Shepherd: I’m still with Carina. Can we talk when you get back?
Maya had not thought of it at the time but Carina’s support system had also become hers by extension. Each person having personal history and knowledge of Carina’s struggles living with schizophrenia.
And she was happy with that.
Upon returning to Grey Sloan, instead of going back to Carina, Maya found herself heading towards Amelia’s office. The blonde knocked once before pushing in.
Amelia was curled up on a futon with a throw blanket wrapped around her. Maya could tell the brunette had been crying a lot.
Maya just held up a manila folder with a solemn expression. “The judge granted me guardianship for seventy five days. Got a follow up hearing in a week to determine whether or not to extend it long term. How are you holding up?”
Amelia sat up, shrugging her shoulders while keeping the throw wrapped tightly.
“I could be better,” she admitted sheepishly. “All I can picture is that day even when I close my eyes. But seeing Carina drive that scalpel into her chest over and over? I’m not sure I will ever be able to get that out of my head.”
“It’s not easy but being patient and taking things slow with someone who is schizophrenic is the best possible thing for them,” Maya joins Amelia on the futon, taking part of the blanket and wrapping it around herself. “Carina told me on our first date. She was absolutely terrified I would run away the moment she mentioned schizophrenia. But I didn’t. Having a family member living with mental illness is something that makes you develop compassion, love, and patience.”
“Mason?”
Maya nodded.
“Lane never gave a fuck about either of us so my mom was left to do virtually everything for us growing up,” Maya snorted. “We both dealt with Mason’s manic episodes, took every insult, every beating, but eventually Mom burned out. Then me. Mason just became increasingly strong and violent on top of refusing to take his meds. He threatened to kill me dozens of times.”
Amelia listened, hand gripping onto Maya’s in support and solidarity. Though she would never be able to understand what Maya and her mother Katherine went through, Amelia remained the same understanding and compassionate soul.
“Carina admitted to me that after she had settled into life here in Seattle, me and Ben were her only friends she felt safest and happiest with,” Amelia smiled at the memory. “And slowly Carina opened up about living with schizophrenia, sharing how scared she would get at times.”
“You’re a good friend you know?” Maya chucked, playfully shoving at Amelia’s shoulder.
Amelia laughed at that. “Damn right. But it’s also made me more humble and extremely protective of Carina.”
Maya and Amelia could go on for hours talking about their love for Carina when there was a knock at the door. Gabriella emerged a moment later, Ben right behind her.
“Carina is waking up and psych is waiting,” Gabriella trailed off, eyes landing on the folder beside Maya. “I assume you were granted emergency guardianship?”
Maya smiled solemnly. “Yes. With a follow up hearing nine days out to determine if it will be long term. It all depends on how Carina responds to treatment.”
Gabriella could see it in Maya’s eyes. The blonde was doing everything to fight back the tsunami of tears.
Months of pain and agony.
Months of love, patience, and delicate feelings.
But underneath all that pain was a woman who would never give up on her wife. Determined to get Carina the help she needs before an even worse incident happens.
Maya and Doctor Friedman went in first, folder with the guardianship paperwork clutched close to Maya’s chest.
The first thing Maya noticed was that Carina no longer had restraints on, much more calm with a mild sedative that allowed her to remain awake.
“What are you doing here?” voice a bit slurred and soft, Carina directed this question towards Gabriella.
“Andrea called me yesterday and said you were not doing too well,” Gabriella sat on the edge of Carina’s bed, resting a hand on her knee. “I did not find out about you being admitted until he called me.”
Maya and Gabriella shared a knowing look, nodding for the blonde to take over. Doctor Friedman was already on standby, ready with another sedative in case Carina became agitated.
“My love,” Maya choked on tears, gently cupping Carina’s face. “I love you for who you are. Kind, funny, your adorable laugh, including the soft snoring. But I— I had to.”
She then opens the manila folder, showing Carina the guardianship paperwork.
Carina slowly read through the first few pages before flipping to the last one, eyes going wide like saucers. And then tears. Frustration, anger, betrayal and sadness all rolled into one.
“Non può essere vero…” Carina deflated, tossing the folder aside which sent papers flying all over. “Perché mi faresti una cosa del genere?”
Maya could not hold it in any longer. Her forehead now resting against Carina’s, tears rolling down her cheeks in rapid torrents. They just kept coming and coming.
“Because I love and care about you so goddamn much and I don’t want to lose you,” Maya’s entire body shook violently, terrified her wife was slipping away. “I can’t stand the thought. But seeing you not take your meds and losing a godawful amount of weight really scared the hell out of me. I had to do something before you seriously hurt yourself again.”
Carina’s tears were replaced by something else completely. Cold, void, full of anger.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“We know about the psychotic break you had eight months after settling down here in Seattle,” Gabriella jumped in, Doctor Friedman inching closer towards Carina. “You need help, tesoro. This might all sound cruel but Maya did it out of love.”
See? Now Maya got more people turned against you.
Carina shook her head angrily, shoving Maya away from her.
“Please—“ Carina spoke through venomous tears, fists clenched tight. “I am fine. I don’t need help.”
Friedman could see that the Italian was beginning to spiral. She brought the needle closer to Carina’s shoulder who immediately caught on.
“No!”
Gabriella and Maya were swift, both getting the soft restraints back around Carina’s wrists just as Doctor Friedman injected her with the sedative.
“You—“ her words slurred together, eyes growing heavier by the second. “Bitch— betrayedme.”
Silence fell.
The fight had completely left Carina.
Ben held up a tablet, displaying blood results. He handed the device over to Maya, brow furrowed, then sighing deeply.
“Carina does have anemia,” Maya shook her head, then looked towards Ben. “You let Doctor Altman know given the heart valve issue?”
He nodded. “Already paged Teddy. Friedman wants to wait until she is here to determine if it’s best to admit Carina directly to cardio or up to psych.”
Gabriella held her hand up, hearing all this for the first time. “Heart valve? Can someone please explain to me what the fuck does Carina’s heart have to do with her mental health?”
“Long story short, Carina had a violent psychotic break in which she took a scalpel and stabbed herself multiple times in the chest,” Maya frowned at the memory. “Amelia was the one to find Carina in a state of psychosis.”
“Jesus Christ—“ Gabriella bit down hard on the inside of her cheek, feeling the bile rise in her throat.
“Someone paged for a cardio consult?” Teddy peeked her head inside the room, finding a crowd already gathered.
“That would be me,” Ben held up the tablet, Teddy took it to study the results. “Positive for anemia due to malnutrition.”
“I can see why you needed my opinion,” Teddy looked to Doctor Friedman. “Although it has been several years since Carina had the replacement done, I think it would be best to keep her admitted to the cardio wing under a psych hold.”
Teddy studied the bloodwork more closely, sighing deeply.
“Definitely not until she is stable from a medical standpoint,” she then turned to Maya with a serious expression. “Blood results show that Carina hasn’t been taking either blood thinner and beta blocker for at least a month.”
“W—what?”
“You didn’t know?”
“No,” Maya shook her head in shock. “I didn’t even have a clue until Amelia told me about Carina stabbing herself in the chest. Blood thinner? Beta blocker?”
“She has a mechanical heart valve and I’m worried that if Carina hasn’t been taking both medications, that there is an inherent risk for blood clots,” Teddy confirmed. “I’m not taking any risks but I can do what’s called a cardiac ultrasound, see if there’s any damage.”
“Do it,” Maya did not have to think or process, she knew what needed to happen. “Please. Find out if Carina has a clot or other complications.”
Friedman saw the hope and desperation in Maya’s eyes; he too agreed with Teddy that it would be in Carina’s best interest to remain in the cardiology unit to monitor her health.
“We could keep Carina in cardiology through the psych hold given her heart is compromised,” the psychiatrist agreed, nodding her head. “I will be checking in twice a day if that’s alright with you, Doctor Altman?”
Teddy nodded.
It took nearly two hours after being settled into intensive care up in the cardiology wing for Teddy to do the ultrasound. Carina remained sedated thankfully. But it was not the outcome Maya was expecting.
Teddy pulled Maya out of the room, Andrew and Gabriella following right behind. Maya wondered where Amelia had gone off too given what had transpired.
The blonde immediately shot Amelia a quick text.
Maya: Call me? Teddy ran a cardiac ultrasound and it’s concerning.
Instead of an immediate callback, Amelia replied within seconds.
Amelia: In my office, I’ll be there fast.
“Amelia wants to be here.” Maya spoke softly, Teddy nodded.
She knew how much Amelia had been affected by finding Carina in her office with a scary and traumatic injury. Finding her friend covered in blood, scalpel still embedded in her chest while begging for the voices to stop.
Amelia being the one holding Carina’s hand everyday for weeks while she lay comatose. Amelia was there when Carina woke up, temporarily moving in with the Italian while she recovered.
Carina felt immense guilt for what she had put Amelia through, both ending up with a post traumatic stress disorder diagnosis as a result of that fateful day.
The neurosurgeon arrived minutes later, and finally it was time.
Teddy looked over Carina’s lab work again, making sure to focus on the anemia that had now affected the heart.
“Carina has a mild heart arrhythmia caused by lack of medication,” she kept her voice low and steady, remaining optimistic. “Thankfully it’s not as bad as anticipated. She’s not at that stage where surgical intervention is needed. We do however need to act fast and get her back on her medications.”
Maya’s thoughts swirled around to the guardianship she had only been granted just a few hours ago. All of it was foreign territory to her, but something vital in keeping Carina alive and safe.
“How long will she need to stay admitted to the hospital besides the seventy two hour hold?” Amelia asked, though she had a hunch.
Eyes flickering between Carina’s medical chart pulled up on the tablet and the group, Teddy was earnest in her reply.
“I worked it out with Doctor Friedman and she agreed that it would be best for Carina to remain at Grey Sloan for a week,” sensing a flock of questions, Teddy powered on. “Carina will be discharged after seven days, placed on outpatient treatment on the condition she is compliant with taking her medications.”
Maya was mentally taking notes, her anxiety unknowingly building up. Andrew seemed to have caught on, placing a gentle hand on the blonde’s shoulder as if to let her know that she was not alone in this fight.
She wouldn’t have to fight these monsters alone.
“God,” Maya shook her head, hands on her hips. “I feel like a fucking idiot sometimes. I should have seen the signs sooner, maybe Carina—“
“Basta—“ Gabriella pulled Maya into a tight hug. “None of what happened to Carina is your fault. Carina will be fine. All that matters is you got her here on time.”
“Sometimes it feels like I didn’t,” Maya mumbled sheepishly, eyes clamped shut knowing the tears were coming. “I wanted to— I almost left Carina. What the fuck was I thinking!”
Maya immediately ripped herself away from Gabriella, staring wide eyed at those around her. She didn’t mean to say it out loud, yet it happened.
The blonde was expecting to be hit with an onslaught of fury and anger from the three people who meant everything to Carina.
No.
Maya was only met with kindness and understanding. Each one having lived through a brief period of frustration that they wanted to give up but remained strong for Carina.
Gabriella would never turn her back on Carina.
Andrew had long ago forgiven his sister, their bond as siblings having become much stronger.
Amelia had become Carina’s safe haven before Maya came along, and still is to this day. Making sure the Italian took her meds on time, offering a shoulder to cry on when days seemed to blur together or became hard.
Maya refused to leave Carina even when visiting hours had ended.
“You should go home and rest,” Andrew gently tapped Maya’s shoulder, whose head was resting on the bed. “Carina will be here in the morning.”
Maya just shot him a warning look. “I’m not leaving her.”
Gabriella tried but immediately backed off, noticing how Maya took on a protective stance.
“At least spend the night in Carina’s office,” it was just a suggestion but Maya shook her head.
“I want to be close, please.”
They understood. Andrew and Gabriella. Understood the need for Maya to be close.
Maya was afraid that Carina would disappear, vanishing into the belly of schizophrenia.
Teddy checked on Carina one last time for the night, smiling sadly when she found Maya curled up close to Carina on the bed.
“She’s stable,” Teddy whispered. “Carina is responding well to being back on her heart medications so far. I will monitor for adverse reactions given she’s been off them for a little over a month.”
Maya nodded, no words forming from how spot on Teddy was regarding Carina.
She could see the bags and dark circles under Maya’s eyes.
“You can stay here tonight but I need you to get proper rest for Carina’s sake,” Teddy fixed Maya with a concerned look. “Andrew and Gabriella already worked it out. They are taking morning shift and you can stay in the afternoon and at night.”
Maya knew Teddy was right. She needed rest. Real sleep in a bed. Not in an uncomfortable chair. Actual rest.
“A— are you sure?” Maya sounded hesitant, almost as if she were unsure of Teddy and her sincerity.
“I’m more than positive,” Teddy smiled softly, bringing immense relief to Maya.
“Thank you.”
Friedman had come by one last time for the night, briefly outlining a treatment plan with Maya going forward. A detailed schedule of when Carina would need to take each medication, group therapy, and one on one sessions with Doctor Friedman to carefully detangle Carina’s delusions from reality.
Maya added in a stipulation that if Carina were to have another psychotic break in the seventy five days, to avoid police presence as much as possible. Both knew Seattle PD had a bad reputation when it came to mental health calls.
It was something Maya wished to avoid at all costs, opting to go straight to Station 19.
With the plan in place and a promise from Friedman to have it drawn up, Maya allowed herself to rest for the first time since having Carina involuntarily committed. She felt her body go lax with sleep, finally at peace.
Maya was trying to sleep but somewhere around two in the morning is when she shot awake, Carina staring at the blonde with confused tears in her eyes.
There was something else underneath the confusion.
Fear.
“The voices—“ Carina spoke in a hushed voice, fear etched in as she held onto Maya for dear life. “I don’t want to be sedated again, Maya. But they keep saying you’re not real, that everyone is trying to kill me.”
Maya immediately moved Carina so her head was resting on top of the blonde’s chest.
“I promise you that I am real,” she stated matter of factly, kissing the top of Carina’s head. “Want to know how, my love?”
Carina nodded weakly.
“Just listen to the sound of my heart.”
The voices in Carina’s head, once loud and steady, began to fade into whispers that eventually disappeared. Maya’s steady heartbeat doing its magic in lowering her wife’s slightly higher heart rate and heavy breathing.
It took five minutes of gentle reassurances and promise but eventually Carina calmed down, head remaining on top of Maya’s chest, finding it comforting to hear the steady beat of her heart.
“Am I imagining earlier but were you really granted temporary guardianship?”
Maya did not mince her words, choosing to be honest but gentle.
“Seventy five days,” she replied, earning a tiny gasp. “You know what that means, right?”
Carina surprisingly remained calm. Understanding the damage her psychotic break had caused, she nodded.
“It means you have legal authority to make decisions regarding my medical care and safety,” Carina came off a little defensive, clear minded for the first time in days. “C— can I be honest with you, amore?”
“Of course you can,” Maya smiled warmly, gently squeezing Carina’s shoulders. “Don’t ever be afraid that you can’t come to me about what is on your mind.”
Carina silently counted to ten in her mind to ground herself, to steady her voice.
“I am scared,” it was the cold, hard, honest truth. Carina silently wiped away the tears that came. “I am scared of the delusions, of the voices. They wanted me to hurt everyone around me. I am terrified that I will lose myself again.”
Maya knew what Carina was talking about. The first psychotic break in her twenties. Amelia finding Carina in her office, bloodied and begging for the voices to stop.
And now.
“Please,” Carina whimpered, holding onto Maya tightly. “Don’t let me fall into my schizophrenia and become lost.”
Something in Maya’s heart broke completely at seeing her wife so open and vulnerable.
Months of seeing Carina skip life saving medications.
Months of voices and delusions telling Carina that everyone she loved were replaced by highly trained agents.
Months of believing that all food and drink were poisoned designed to control her.
Maya grabbed one of Carina’s hands, linking their pinky fingers together. This small action made Carina smile, even eliciting a small laughter.
A sound that Maya had long ago thought to have been lost. It made the blonde smile in turn.
“Let’s make a new promise, my love.”
“I promise to always come to you first if I hear so much as one tiny voice,” Carina pulled hers and Maya’s hand close to her chest.
“And I promise to never leave your side even when you push me away.”
After making their promise known to each other, Maya pulled Carina closer to her, not wanting to let go. Both were beginning to drift back to sleep when suddenly Carina spoke up.
“Maya?”
“Hm?”
“You made the right decision,” Carina yawned sleepily, eyes growing heavier by the moment. “I want to go back on my meds but I’m also scared the voices will deter me.”
An idea suddenly popped into Maya’s mind. Carina had admitted at one point in their relationship that penguins were her favorite animal since childhood.
Maya would go to Build a Bear, create a penguin, and place a recording of her own heartbeat inside so that whenever Carina would become overwhelmed or the voices threatened to pull her back under, just one simple push of the penguin's belly would fill the space with the sound of Maya’s heart.
“They won’t,” Maya emphasized by pointing to her heart. “Just remember the sound of my heart.”
Carina mumbled something incoherent with a genuine smile etched into her. And suddenly she was asleep, soft snoring filling the cold sterile hospital room.
Maya held Carina close long after she had fallen asleep, perfectly content on watching Carina sleep. But something about Teddy’s words from earlier resonated strongly with the blonde.
She was right.
Only then did Maya truly allow herself to sleep.
Because if there was one thing that Maya DeLuca-Bishop was sure about, it was that her and Carina would come out of this stronger and healthier.
One step at a time even if there were setbacks.
Maya would always be there.