Chapter Text
Performance Review
(Alternate Title: Erid’s Next Top Teacher)
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“Grace sounds... beau-pfft-beautiful."
“Very beautiful.”
“Shape nice and -hah- uh, clear!”
“Very nice and clear.”
I close my eyes, take a deep breath and count to ten. By the time I make it to six I have reached my limit and spin around. That is a new record, by the way.
“Thank you, Adrian,” I say sweetly with a genuine smile which I then drop immediately as I turn my head to give Rocky, who is still shaking with silent laughter, a massive stink-eye. "You are not cute, just so you know!"
He makes a scandalized noise, a cross between a bark and the whistle of a train. "What is Grace talking about? Rocky is very supportive. Great words of encouragement!"
“Great words of mockery!” I shoot back and point at my own chest with an exaggerated wounded expression on my face. “Hitting me right in the heart. Bad bad bad.”
My best friend and the greatest menace known to Erid blows a raspberry through his vents. “Are you going to leak now? I am simply participating in the human tradition of hazing. Not Rocky’s fault Grace is too sensitive.”
Oh, that little jerk! I turn to Adrian and declare: “Cluster with Rocky is over. Adrian is my only cluster mate now.”
Rocky hisses and scrambles over to bump into my legs. I stumble with a shout and he cheers in victory as he dances in a circle around me, raising two of his limbs like he’s a boxer in a ring, playfully jabbing them in my direction every few steps without ever getting close enough to actually hit me. I roll my eyes and make shooing motions with my hands.
“You take that back, right now!”
“Make me!”
Adrian expels a gust of air through their vents and without further ado steps in Rocky’s path. My buddy can’t stop in time and runs right into them. The taller Eridian barely reacts and uses the limb Rocky collided with to gently shove their mate out of the way. Rocky tries to resist for a few seconds by planting his claws against the floor but his defeat is inevitable. In the end he surrenders and lets himself get pushed into a corner where he then proceeds to mutter subvocally to himself. The sight reminds me so much of a kid in time-out that I burst out laughing.
Not one to get outmatched, I lean around Adrian’s body and pull on my lower eyelid while simultaneously sticking my tongue out. Rocky’s echolocation couldn’t miss the gesture even if he tried but I delight in personally witnessing the way he rears back with a shriek of disgust. Everything that has to deal with my eyes or the inside of my mouth freaks him out and I have been known to take advantage of that. He growls something at me that I can’t make out and then moves his claws in a way that is probably supposed to be the eridian equivalent of a middle finger.
I’m still laughing when Adrian takes me by the shoulders and forcibly turns me back around. I can practically feel their disapproval through the xenosuit so I reach up to pat at their claw in apology. Poor Adrian has their work cut out for them. I’m actually impressed that they’ve so far resisted the urge to throw Rocky and me out of an airlock.
Several airlocks.
The two of us have a bit of a reputation for driving the scientists and doctors in the biodome up a wall if they have to spend more than a few hours exposed to our special brand of love language.
I’m almost convinced Adrian gained the title ‘Honorable’ for their patience and their ability to put up with us.
Rocky is still mumbling insults at me from the other end of the room, just loud enough that I am able to pick them up, and the urge to tease right back and escalate this into a playful tussle is almost unbearable. I bite my tongue instead because Adrian was nice enough to leave work early today to be here for me and wasting more of their time would be simply disrespectful.
And anyway, this has stopped being about messing with Rocky a long time ago. By this point I’m obviously using him to avoid the elephant in the room.
Time to face the music.
I sigh and go limp and agreeable as my tall cluster mate tugs and pulls at me until I’m properly facing the full-length mirror the Eridians have set up for me in my living room.
For obvious reasons Eridians have little to no use for reflective surfaces so explaining to them the workings of a mirror and what humans use them for and why I would like a big one for myself was a real hassle. But after four years on the Hail Mary I was at a point where I didn’t care how long it would take to convince them. I was prepared to beg for one on my hands and knees if necessary.
I’m not vain in any sense of the word but beyond making sure that the astronauts wouldn’t kill each other after a few months over pungent body odors by packing lots and lots of soap, our personal grooming habits hadn’t been a big concern for anyone on the taskforce.
The scientists programmed Armando to take care of our first shave and haircut post coma and then we were expected to fulfill the mission and die long before facial hair might become an issue again. With just three astronauts, hopefully concentrating on nothing but saving all of humanity, they saw no logical reason for us to keep up with appearances the same way we would have done on earth. It makes me wonder sometimes, why they let us (or rather Yao and Ilyukhina) pack so many of our personal belongings, like favorite clothes and blankets. I kind of want to believe that that decision was made by the more humane members of the taskforce, Dr. Lamai and Dimitri and Stra-
But who knows. All I know is that it took me two weeks to find even a single handheld mirror hidden away in the back of one of the cabinets.
The thing was so small that it only afforded me a small window to a single part of my face at a time. I had to tilt it if I wanted to see anything. The eyes, the nose, the mouth, the chin. Like clockwork. While that was sufficient enough for a quick shave in the morning it also meant that I spent the entire four years aboard the Mary without seeing a single reflection of myself in my entirety.
Strictly speaking, from a scientific point of view and not the point of view of a traumatized human hurtling through space with holes in his memories, it is actually quite fascinating how the complete absence of your own reflection can make you lose your sense of self.
I am sure if there had ever been any studies done on the adverse effects of long term exposure to isolation without a full-length mirror, Stratt would have taken care of it and installed some kind of mirror-maze right next to the don’t-go-crazy room. Because then the mental health experts on the taskforce might have anticipated that I would start to feel fractured and broken and incomplete, just like my fractured, broken and incomplete reflection. They might have warned Stratt that I’d spent minutes staring into that small piece of mirror and not recognize myself. That I would look down at my own body, at the spindly arms and the sunken gut and the ribs sticking out, and then back at the tiny reflection, the eyes, the nose, the mouth the chin, only one at a time, only ever one, and not be able to reconcile the dichotomy and ask myself “Is that still me?”
But then again, why would they wonder about any of that? The mission was never supposed to last for several years. I wasn’t supposed to live long enough to develop existential dread over my own missing reflection.
Fortunately, the Eridians did not make me beg. They never do. The scientists here were more than willing to recreate a nice and tall mirror for me from the small handheld one I reluctantly handed over to them for testing.
They are always so eager to help me make my dome feel more comfortable, more like a home. I try not to take advantage of their generosity.
The surface of my new mirror is not perfect by any means. There is a bit of a color variation that constantly gives my reflection a reddish tinge as if I have a permanent sunburn, not to mention the slight distortions near my feet. Makes it look like I got crooked legs if I’m standing too close. But it's more than enough to keep any identity and body issues under lock and key and I'm certainly not complaining.
Usually I like looking at my reflection. My healthy body is a testament to how far I’ve come from the life threatening starvation I’ve suffered through just a few short years ago.
But today I find it hard to meet my own eyes. I have to fight the urge to turn away with an embarrassed blush.
It’s just too weird, seeing myself covered in gems and gold.
Adrian is standing at my back and reaches around my body to fuss and pluck at the jewelry that is draped all over me. I feel like one of those noblewomen from one of the period dramas that Adrian likes to watch where their handmaidens help them get dressed in the morning.
Adrian is so tall that the upper part of their carapace isn't visible in the mirror. Not that it matters to them. Doing this in front of the mirror is solely for my benefit.
“I feel a bit ridiculous,” I admit as an uncomfortable silence starts to stretch between us. The bickering with Rocky had been a nice distraction but even my friend has grown quiet now, hunkering down nearby to watch his mate work. Adrian hums distractedly as they gently untangle a necklace that has twisted in on itself for some reason and gotten caught in the folds of my cardigan. It falls back against my collarbone and produces a sweet melody as it brushes against the other pieces.
I am covered head to toe in Eridian jewelry and I’m not exaggerating.
I’ve honestly lost count of the number of pieces I have put on my body. There is a necklace that is more of a choker, tight against my throat, with different stones set into the chainlinks. The other ones are longer, some dangling down as far as my bellybutton, and they are made out of such delicate chainlinks that I’m scared of moving my head too fast in case I snap them apart with a thoughtless gesture. Similar chains crisscross low over my hips like loose belts, held together with brooches that are as heavy as the biggest stones in my collection. Two pairs of clip-on earrings dangle from my earlobes and there are several cuff earrings traveling up the helix of my left ear. I pressed them on too tight because I didn’t know how to do it and now they are pinching my skin but before that they kept sliding off so I just deal with it because I am not in the mood to do it all over again. There are multiple bracelets and rings and some of the rings are connected to those bracelets with more chains that tickle the backs of my hands every time I move. Anklets brush against my ankles and startle me every time I shift on my feet.
The most intricate piece is definitely the headdress. It looks like a crown nestled into my hair. There is something like a shroud affixed to the top of it that falls over my hair in waves. I have no idea what kind of material it is but it shimmers and sparkles in the light like the web of a spider after a heavy rainfall. It looks like I got a thousand tiny diamonds nestled in my hair.
It honestly looks incredibly cool.
Too bad I forgot to comb my hair before putting it on. My bird’s nest is kind of ruining the whole ethereal king of the fairy underworld vibe the jeweller was probably going for.
Adrian apparently agrees. They try to run a claw through my hair under the veil and have to stop when they snag on a knot (ow!).
They give me an irritated click.
“You only think that because you aren't wearing the matching garments.”
I snort and shake my head even before Adrian can finish. “You Eridians know your stuff when it comes to jewelry but you have no clue about human clothing and I will not be wearing what I was oh so generously provided, statement.”
While the Eridians use fabric for tool belts and other practical accessories they almost exclusively express their sense of fashion through jewelry. There are many different styles and materials for all kinds of occasions. Casual pieces for everyday use or fancy ensembles for special events like weddings, hatchings or graduations. The stuff Rocky brought to the Blip-A was just the tip of the iceberg.
I unwittingly learned a lot about this during my parent-teacher night with Roo’s parents. Apparently they are both some kind of scholars specializing in customs and folklore, especially in regards to traditional adornments. They were the ones who designed the jewelry the Blip-A crew carried into space to hopefully celebrate their success because one of their cluster mates was the captain.
They spent a significant portion of our conference grilling me about my clothes and then spent almost as much time educating me on Eridian fashion before I managed to get them back on track. I only humored them because there really wasn’t a lot to say about Roo except that they were exceptionally bright and already way ahead of their classmates when it came to their vocabulary and discipline. The two Eridians were very proud but also let me know they weren’t actually surprised with a bit of a haughty trill that Roo had definitely picked up from them.
At the end of our meeting they asked me for a sample of my human clothing. I initially declined which they fortunately accepted with a lot of grace and no further begging.
But the longer I thought about it over the coming days, the more I doubted my decision. I tried to imagine how obsessed I would be if an alien came to live on earth and brought with them a completely new variation of my own special interest and how devastated I would be if they didn’t want to share that knowledge with me. It would crush me, honestly.
The next day I gave Roo one of my shirts that was missing almost all of the buttons and one of Ilyukhina’s skirts that was starting to fray at the hemline in a way I knew I wouldn’t be able to fix with my limited sewing skills.
Hey, just because I’m a bit of a pushover doesn’t mean I don’t know that my clothes are a limited resource and that I need to take good care of them for as long as possible if I don’t want to walk around naked for the final years of my life.
I was admittedly feeling a bit guilty for giving them damaged goods but Roo reported back to me the next day that their parents had been over the moon and running around their home for hours with unrestrained glee. I felt better after that.
But the crux of the matter is that no one on Erid really understands how human clothing works and none of the Elders saw fit to actually consult me - the only human around! - before commissioning a ‘fancy’ outfit for me.
The outfit that has been presented to me could be best described as a touch of nothing. It pretty much amounts to something female models might wear on the cover of the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. When I imagine myself wearing the scraps of fabric and all this jewelry on top I immediately have to think of the scene with Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi. Except I think Leia might have been wearing more.
I laugh at the mental image and wave it off when Adrian and Rocky make a quizzical noise.
Though Adrian is right of course. The old t-shirt and repurposed astronaut pants don't really help the look. I’ll have to search my closet for something at least a little bit more fitting.
Will I really have to do a fashion show to figure out how to work this? I guess at least Rocky and Adrian will enjoy it, they have become obsessed with watching old America’s Next Topmodel seasons.
(And by the way: What the heck, Stratt? Thousands of hours of trash TV but no proper mirror? Sometimes I really wonder what went on in that woman’s head.)
I groan and rub my hands over my face. The rings I'm wearing knock against my nose.
Rocky reaches up and I automatically reach down so he can run his claw over the xenonite cuff my cluster mates have given me. I felt petty and put all of the new bracelets on the other arm so the cuff is the only jewelry on this one. It makes my other wrist heavy and particularly noisy but at least nothing can obscure or knock against the only piece of jewelry I actually care about.
“You don't have to wear all of it,” he says.
He tries to sound reassuring but I can tell that he’s worried.
“I like it,” I say and it’s not even a complete lie which is probably the only reason why he doesn’t immediately call me out on it.
It’s not like I hate it. Even though all this clinking and jingling every time I move annoys me I know, objectively speaking, that it all looks good on me. Every single piece was designed to complete a vision, it all looks harmonious and high-quality. Only the most valuable and fancy jewelry is made out of gold since that seems to have a slightly different resonance than xenonite and is considered the sign of an elevated status. Only high ranking Eridians wear gold. And the more the better.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about. On earth people would turn their heads and watch me walk down the street with their mouths hanging open. I could walk fashion shows like this and be right at home. I’m not full of myself, it's just objectively true. I’m a piece of art.
But it’s just too much. No matter how good it looks, it feels overwhelming and gaudy and just wrong on me. Like a costume. Just the idea of wearing this where anyone but my two most precious people can see me is making my head spin and my heart race with apprehension.
If I had a choice, I would never wear anything like this in public.
Problem is, I don’t have a choice.
Okay, so I’m being unfair. Erid has made it clear to me that I will always have a choice. Not once has anyone here given me the impression that I have to do something I don’t want to do, least of all because Rocky would go full dictator mode and take over the entire planet if anyone ever tried. I’m relatively sure that, if I really didn’t want to do this, I could say no and they would respect it.
I’m just not so sure being stubborn about this will be worth the fallout.
Because apparently some very important Eridians have decided that they want to sit in on one of Teacher Grace's classes and observe the alien at work. And apparently these Eridians have a lot of power and influence, enough to shut the whole experiment down with nothing but a word if they don’t like what they are seeing.
Which is great. Awesome! Totally doesn't give me any anxiety at all.
Nope.
The first time we were discussing the politics of his homeworld and Rocky told me about this group I kinda brushed it off to be honest.
A small fraction of Eridians who are rumored to be almost as old as Erid itself and who never show themselves publicly, have a lot of influence over the entire planet and pull all the strings from the shadows? Yeah, no. That sounded a little bit too much like those conspiracy theories your illuminati obsessed neighbor would sprout at you in the elevator if you were unfortunate enough to be trapped in there with him on your way to work.
Which just shows that even with a doctorate in microbiology I am still an idiot because why do I constantly compare earth standards to an alien species?
I always thought the Elders were the ones calling the shots but that’s apparently only partly true. While this mysterious group rarely gets involved with the day to day politics and leaves those to the leaders, they do occasionally insert themselves into big decisions and when they do their word is law. No one dares argue with them or go against their wishes.
Which has actually worked in my favor once or twice.
While the decision to build me my own biodome was a done deal pretty much from the start, its dimensions invited some debate. Adrian provided the counsel with the construction plans and an estimate for the needed materials for all the things Rocky more or less demanded for his human. It led to a heated argument between the majority of the members and a small but unfortunately very loud minority that demanded a significant downsizing of the project. Rocky told me that their demands would have left me with a space not much bigger than the Mary had been and while that might have technically been enough for a single human to survive, the idea of forever being confined to such a small space sent a shiver down my spine.
Just when it looked like the negotiations were going nowhere, the Entities (I almost called them Illuminati but that felt a little too silly) ordered the immediate construction of my dome just as Adrian and Rocky proposed, no reductions, no shortcuts.
The opposition fell completely silent after that.
While Rocky assured me that the dome would have been built regardless since the small fraction of naysayers was very unpopular and could have only ever hoped to delay the inevitable, I still feel like I have to thank this mysterious group for my home.
And now they want to observe me in my other natural habitat: the classroom.
What if they don’t like what they see? Can they take everything away from me again just as easily as they ordered everything I have to be given to me? Would anyone, even Rocky and Adrian, be able to stop them if that was the case?
I think the answer is no.
The first time this realization sunk in I almost threw up. A part of me is always aware of the fact that I am essentially dependent on the goodwill of the Eridians, that if they should ever decide that they don’t want me around anymore, all they would have to do is stop taking care of the dome and there would be nothing I could do about it. Sometimes I have nightmares about waking up in my house but all the lights are out and the filtration system is silent and the waves have stopped crashing against the shore and everything is dark and still and I shout and shout but no one hears me and no one comes to the airlock because they have decided to shut the operation down, to forget about me, and I’m trapped forever in this fishbowl and the oxygen is getting low and I fall to the ground and there are knees on my back and a needle in my neck and-
As one might imagine my nightmares have become more frequent ever since I learned about this impromptu performance review.
Rocky and Adrian do their best to reassure me. Adrian holds me close after a nightmare and tells me that I have nothing to be worried about and Rocky keeps reminding me that I saved their entire planet and everyone loves me and not even the big bad Eridians pulling strings in the shadows will change that or convince anyone to turn their backs on me.
It helps in the moment, in the darkness of our bedroom, but even then I can tell that the two of them are low key freaking out as well.
Adrian is much more fussy than usual, proven once again by the way they can’t keep their claws off of me right now, fiddling with the jewelry under the guise of straightening it out even though everything fits perfectly. And Rocky tries way too hard to fill the silence with banter and teasing, almost falling over himself trying to keep my mind off of the impending visit.
At least he managed to push the event back by about a week. When the Elders ambushed me with this new development the original plan had been to let the Entities observe me the very next day. I’d been too overwhelmed to protest as much as I should have but my buddy didn’t have the same problem. Rocky immediately launched into an epic argument, threatening everyone in the room and throwing his status and influence as one of the saviors of the planet around with the subtlety of a baseball bat. Just when I was convinced that he’d pick up one of the Elders and fling them across the room, all of the Eridians abruptly stopped arguing and grew eerily still. I could make out the melodic vibrations of a thrum in progress but it was too faint to have originated from anyone in the room itself. After a few seconds it stopped and everyone slumped. Some were trembling slightly.
“You heard them,” Rocky snapped but I could tell he was shaken too, the way he sounds when he’s caught off guard by something unexpected. “One week.”
(I later learned that the Entities informed everyone at that moment that I would be allowed a week to prepare. When I wondered out loud how they knew about the argument and if they’d been near the dome Rocky told me that they didn’t need to be nearby to hear or initiate a thrum, it’s just something that they can do.
I think by that point I finally understood how powerful they are.)
The downside of being granted some room to breath is that it has given the Elders time to prepare as well. In their infinite wisdom they have decided that I will need to dress the part and strongly suggested that I should wear some of their traditional jewelry which they then promptly commissioned for me without waiting for an answer. When I still tried to protest they argued that it would also help with my visibility since Eridians who don’t interact with me regularly have reported that they sometimes have trouble perceiving the squishy human. My body apparently makes all kinds of noises all the time and coupled with my soft tissue the noises bounce around so much that I must seem like nothing more than a smudge of dirt on a camera lens. Jewelry outlining my extremities and most important bits will help them focus on me.
I don’t think beings that can hear arguments over miles away and initiate long distant thrums with whomever they like will have trouble getting a good “look” at me but at that point it felt pointless to argue.
There were so many more pressing matters to take care of.
One condition I would not negotiate on was that the Entities could not be in the same room as my pebbles. I don’t care how much influence they have and whether they always get what they want, there is no way I’ll let some mysterious, secretive group of all powerful Eridians lurk in the shadows and intimidate my pebs.
I needn’t have worried because that was never the plan anyway. The visitors will be in a separate observation room next to where the actual classroom is. Their space will be shielded by a special material that the Eridians use for personalized spaces like the dining rooms but also engineered specifically to allow one-sided observations. Like the two-way mirror in an interrogation room, I suppose. It will look like normal xenonite to me so unfortunately I’ll still get the full experience of seeing my audience judge me in real time. It reminds me a little bit too much of other situations where I had to do public speeches and inevitably crashed and burned.
The pebs are to be kept ignorant about the nature of their visitors but I did veto keeping them in the dark entirely. They deserve to know when they are being watched but I do concede that it would wreak havoc on their little minds if they knew who specifically was doing the watching. As far as they know, some Elders from a distant district want to see the alien teacher at work and they will sit behind the barrier so they don’t disturb the lessons.
It’s close enough to the truth that they hopefully won’t pick up on any holes in the story.
It's three more Eridian days until the big day and today the jewelry I’m expected to wear finally arrived. This is merely a trial run but I didn't expect everything to be so… elaborate. Maybe I should have guessed. The Eridians are not going to dress their alien savior in just any ordinary trinkets, especially not for an event of this magnitude.
“It's just unfamiliar.” I run a hand over the gems and gold that could buy me a house back on earth. “But I don't want to offend anyone. Least of all your dark overlords.”
“Told you, they are not rulers. They are…” Rocky falters because in all the years we have known each other he’s never found quite the right words to describe what they are. “They just are who they are.”
I shrug it off. I’m kind of over it, to be honest. My anxiety levels have hit a point where it is just white noise at the back of my head. I’m pretty sure there is a crashout with my name waiting for me just around the corner but maybe I’m lucky and will manage to hold on to this forced apathy until everything is over and done with.
I’m never lucky, by the way. Do with that what you will.
“But would they be offended, do you think? If I don't wear this?”
Rocky hums low in his body. I appreciate that he takes the time to really think about his answer. I need an honest opinion, not a meaningless platitude. “I don't know how much importance they attach to appearances. They are very reclusive. This is the first time they will appear in public in a long long time. I don’t even know if they showed up for the launch of the Blip-A. I certainly never met them. I'm sorry, Grace.”
I suddenly feel a spike of righteous anger on my friend’s behalf. Did Rocky just tell me that none of these Entities welcomed him back after saving their butts? They didn’t even thank him for his sacrifice? Congratulate him for saving the entire planet? Rocky should have gotten medals and honors and holidays named after him. They should have fallen to their Eridian knees and thanked him for his services and maybe even made him an honorary Entity or something. They didn’t do any of that?
But now they suddenly want to watch a teacher stumble through his lesson plan? What kind of priorities are that? What the fudging fudge is wrong with them?
Adrian nudges my shoulder, sensing my mounting anger. I have a feeling they’ve had similar thoughts in the past.
“I'm sure it will be alright to leave some of it at home. We can always claim a cultural misunderstanding. Tell them mate Rocky didn't brief you well enough on etiquette. Mate is known around here, I am sure they will believe it.”
Something in my chest loosens. I laugh as Rocky jumps on Adrian’s carapace and starts poking them. “Hey! Don't pin this on me, don't make Rocky the scapegoat” He stops hitting Adrian long enough to lean towards me. “Unless it helps Grace. Rocky is not scared of big, mysterious Eridians. None of them would be here without Rocky. Without Grace!”
I smile. “You know what, buddy? You’re absolutely right!”
I start taking some of the stuff off. I leave a few of the bracelets and rings and two of the necklaces that don’t feel like they are one tug away from strangling me. I also leave the headdress because that one is actually really cool and a serious confidence boost. One pair of earrings, an anklet and one chain from around my waist are also allowed to stay.
There. That's better. And there are still plenty of noisy bits around every limb to help them perceive me.
“I'll do a little test run in class today. Right now every movement startles me but I think I can manage if I just get used to it. It’s gonna be fine.”
I try to sound confident.
Judging by the way Adrian envelopes me in a hug and Rocky runs a claw over my back I’m not so sure I succeeded.
******************
The pebbles react to my new attire a lot more subdued than I thought they would. I half expected them to be all over me, asking a million questions. Instead they stay in their seats and click uncertainly in my direction as if they are not sure what to make of this development.
When I ask them if everything is alright they shuffle subtly from side to side.
Len is the first to break the silence.
“Teacher Grace is very… loud.”
I blink and reach up to fiddle with my glasses. I’m immediately setting off an avalanche of noises and wince when I see the pebbles rear back in surprise.
“Is it that bad?” I ask. I’m tempted to take all the jewelry off immediately but I can’t do that. We all have to get used to it before the big day.
“Not bad,” Sam pipes up. “Just unfamiliar. Can hear Teacher Grace much clearer now.”
“Oh.” I sit down on my chair so I don’t move around too much. “That is kind of the idea. You remember the visitors I told you about? They are not as used to me as you are so they’ll have trouble hearing me clearly. That’s why I’m going to have to wear a lot of jewelry that day.”
A murmur travels through the crowd. I’m relieved to see them all relax at least a little at my explanation.
“So you can hear me much clearer now? Is that something you like? Do you-” I’m not sure I want to finish that sentence but I’ve started it. “Do you want me to wear jewelry more often in the future?”
They chitter and chatter excitedly.
“I like hearing Teacher Grace so clearly,” Tori says and several of the others tap their claws in agreement. “It is nice but I am used to the usual Teacher Grace. I don’t mind.”
“I mean… I could?” I say, grimacing a bit. I’m not opposed to wearing more in general but it’s going to be an adjustment to be honest. But if it helps my pebbles hear me better? Then I’m game.
I reach up again to run a hand through my hair and my fingers snag on the headdress. “Ouch.”
The pebbles laugh and I playfully scowl at them.
“Teacher Grace is uncomfortable.”
I blink and everyone stops talking at Roo’s words. The little fashionista has been unusually silent during the exchange. I’d expected them to give me fashion advice (or criticism more likely) the second they heard me but I am suddenly realizing that they’ve mostly kept to themselves all morning.
“I wouldn’t say uncomfortable,” I hedge. “I’m just unaccustomed to all of this. I think I need a bit more time to get used to the feeling, that’s all.”
Roo skitters closer to the barrier and shakes a limb at me. Their body language is agitated. “No no no! Roo can tell when someone doesn’t feel comfortable. Parents have taught me well. Parents say that jewelry is meant to feel like an extension of yourself, is meant to make you feel pretty and confident and strong. There is no getting used to it. It needs to feel right the second you put it on. Jewelry that does not fit is like going to sleep with Eridian you don’t trust watching you.”
I’m not quite sure what to say because Roo is right. None of this feels natural. It’s too fancy. Too impersonal. The jewellery is perfect in every way but it’s almost too perfect. Every cut is immaculate, every chain beautifully made. It is dazzling and amazing but it is not me.
I stand up and cross the room to crouch down in front of Roo. The chains from my hip drag through the dirt and I can almost hear the jeweller groan in despair. I don’t care.
“Your parents are very smart and so are you,” I say and Roo preens at the compliment. “It is not my first choice of attire but I will deal with it for the visit. It’s just one day. It will be fine, don’t worry.”
Roo is clearly unhappy with this. “Wrong wrong wrong,” they mutter. “Roo will fix.”
Before I can reassure them that there is nothing to fix, the other pebbles speak up.
“Teacher Grace doesn’t ever have to wear all that again after the visit,” Quinn shouts.
“Yes, Teacher Grace is perfect, just the way he is! We can hear Teacher Grace loud and clear! No need for jewelry!” Sam adds and pretty much everyone trills their agreement and shouts some kind of promise that they can hear me just fine and that I don’t have to change anything for them. It makes me quite emotional.
“Aw. You are the best!”
I mean that. I’m still unbelievably nervous about the upcoming visit and just thinking about what might happen if anything goes wrong makes my stomach knot with nerves.
But I will prevail for my pebbles. I will wear this gaudy jewelry and I will teach my butt off and let these stuck up Entities ogle me as much as they want and then we’ll all go right back to how things used to be.
Everything is going to be okay.