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"Hey, Jax? Are you in there?" Ragatha asked after softly knocking on Jax's bedroom door.
“Go away, Rags," Jax called.
“I made cookies. I'll leave the plate out here for you, okay?"
The door cracked open before Ragatha had the chance to move. Ragatha saw Jax peer out at her through the tiny open space. She held up the plate piled high with chocolate chip cookies. Jax sighed but opened it enough to pull Ragatha inside.
Jax took the plate of cookies without a word and set it on his desk. He sat on the floor curled up into the smallest ball he could with his back against the bed. Ragatha sat down next to him.
“If you want me to leave, I will. I'm staying with you until you tell me to fuck off, okay?"
“Talk about stupid, doll," he muttered.
“Only when it comes to idiots like you."
Jax bumped his shoulder on Ragatha's. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
“Can I ask why?" Ragatha tugged at the edge of one of the patches on her dress.
“I'm not gonna rip your head off for asking, dollface. Not sure if you noticed but I don't have the energy for it right now."
“It's been a long day. Not even baking those cookies really helped me all that much."
“Since when did you bake anyway?" Jax looked at her through narrowed eyes.
“Before I was in here. It… helped calm my nerves. Didn't work so well today but at least the cookies turned out okay."
They fell into a comfortable silence. Well, about as comfortable as they could be together after everything that had happened in the last few days.
“I… I don't know what to think," Jax mumbled, hugging his knees to his chest. "Nothing makes sense anymore."
“What does make sense then?" Ragatha asked.
“What?"
“What makes sense?"
“Everything's gone to shit now that Caine got deleted and rebuilding is going on because of it. No one is blaming Kinger for deleting Caine even though it was his fault but get mad at me and for what? Actually having emotions and wanting some fucking answers? Ha! I shouldn't be surprised since that's what happens every damn time."
Jax was breathing heavily. Ragatha pulled Jax into a tight hug.
“Hey. Jax. Breathe. I'm here. I've got you."
Jax pulled back just enough to ask, “Why?"
“What do you mean?"
“I've done nothing but hurt you for years and yet you still come around. Why?"
“Even after everything, I still think you're worth trying for. Is it stupid? Probably."
“Definitely, doll. I'm not worth the effort."
“I think you are so I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
“I don't deserve you."
“Then stick around until you can confidently say that you do." Jax sinking deeper into Ragatha's embrace had her asking, "That's not the only thing on your mind is it, Jax?"
“Can we stay like this for a while?" Jax mumbled.
~Later That Night~
Jax and Ragatha lay curled up together on Jax's bed when he asked, “Hey, Rags? Can we… Can we talk?"
“Sure. What is it?"
“Have you ever… liked someone as more than a friend and then panicked because you really shouldn't?"
“Yeah. Back before the circus there was a… a girl that I had a crush on. I went to the pastor at the church my family used to go to together. And you know what he told me? That it was sinful behavior to be lusting after anyone and that it was even worse that it was a woman."
Ragatha stopped speaking with a shake of her head. Jax pulled Ragatha onto his lap.
“When I was a kid, I wished I could be a girl and I… I don't know. Kind of just gave up on being anything even remotely out of the mold of a guy, you know? Be the strong one - the provider, you know?"
“My mother was the same with pushing me to be the perfect lady. I hated it so much… I stayed out practicing my horse riding as long as I could to stay away from her. Even after all that, I still didn't turn out good enough either."
“Fuck that. You turned out perfect." Jax kissed Ragatha on the forehead.
They had fallen silent for a time when Ragatha broke it with, “Do you, I don't know, still want to be a girl?"
Jax froze. "I-I guess? Maybe? I don't know!"
"Hey." Ragatha cupped Jax's face in her hands. "I'm here. I'll still like you regardless of what gender you are. Okay?"
Jax leaned into Ragatha's palms with drooping ears. Jax nodded in response to Ragatha's question before pulling her into a grateful kiss.
“Thanks, Rags."
“Well, if it gets me more of that then all the better." Jax snorted at her comment but kissed her again all the same.
“Would it be weird if I was? A girl I mean."
“Not even a little bit. A new wardrobe couldn't hurt, though." Ragatha answered between kisses.
“You just wanna go shopping." Jax squinted at Ragatha in mock suspicion which earned Jax a soft punch in the shoulder.
“It's fun! Especially now that we get to have more freedom to choose our outfits without fear of them getting ruined or being reset at the end of the day. Think about it at least?"
"Fiiiiine. I'll think about it. No need to twist my arm about it, doll," Jax joked.
“Yay! It'll be fun. Trust me."
“Always will, doll."
“Even when I'm being stupid?"
“I doubt you can be more stupid than me, Rags."
“Oh, fuck off, you damn idiot."
"Talk dirty to me." As much as Ragatha tried not to, she laughed at Jax's comment. "Do you think the others would think differently of me? If I… really wanted to be a girl I mean."
“Nope. You'll probably get dragged to more chats that might force you to get some more emotional vulnerability more quickly than you might have before but you'll get better the more you practice so it's not something to worry about, okay? You can also just tell us to fuck off if we're too much."
“Right. 'Cause that won't end badly." Jax rolled their eyes.
“Oh, stop it, you. It'll be just fine. We get not wanting to talk about certain things but we do need you to tell us you don't wanna talk. Seem fair?" Ragatha stroked Jax's ears softly.
“I'll… try." Jax looked away.
“That's perfect." Ragatha's sincerity warmed Jax's chest.
"I think… I might still want to be a girl."
“So can I say I have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend?" Rags looked up at Jax hopefully.
“…Sure."
Ragatha jumped out of bed with a squeal and danced around the room in sheer excited happiness. Jax couldn't help but smile softly at her.
“I have a girlfriend! Best day ever!"
“Can we… maybe not tell the others yet?" Jax started at the floor nervously.
“Whatever you want to do, I'll support."
“Why?" Jax stared at Ragatha with wide eyes.
“Something in the orange tells me we're not done."