Chapter Text
The gods didn’t exist— and if they did, they were cruel and heartless. They had no mercy.
Pai had once been a pious and devout Buddhist. He loved to visit temples, make merit, and drag his mom out to greet the monks. He’d even considered becoming a postulate and receiving full ordination someday. He’d been a believer. That was before.
Pai’s head was lowered as he slumped through the school halls. It was weird being back in his upper secondary school now. The building hadn’t changed, but everything else had. He hardly knew anyone anymore– not that he’d been all that close to anyone before anyway. Even though he tried to avoid eye contact with everyone, he felt their eyes on him. Whispers whirled around him like smoke. He hated it so much. Always had.
After the death of his father when Pai was nine, life had been rough. Pai’s mom did everything she could to take care of Pai and his younger siblings to the best of her ability, scrimping and saving and taking extra jobs. Pai had spied her crying alone more times than he could count after she thought they’d all gone to sleep. He’d tried his best to help her, to not ask for money, and worked random jobs to earn his keep and contribute toward the bills. He took care of his siblings when his mother worked late – feeding them, bathing them and putting them to bed.
Then he’d gotten sick. And stayed sick. And no matter what they tried, he just didn’t seem to get better. Finally he’d ended up in the hospital. Then the eventual diagnosis. And Pai became a burden on his mother and his family. At least, that was how he saw it.
He’d prayed and prayed that his illness would go away. That it would get better. That it would stop making his mother sad.
But after he found out that his illness was passed down to him from his father and his father’s father, Pai realized that the gods didn’t control anything. They didn’t prevent anything. They didn’t save him. They didn’t spare his mother or his family. The doctors were the ones who did that— but only after demanding enough money to put his family in debt forever. As a result, Pai utterly and completely lost his faith.
Pai stood in the morning sun during the school-wide assembly while the national anthem was played and ignored the Buddhist chants and prayers, barely listening to the principal ramble on with announcements. He spoke to no one, even as some other students spoke around him to their friends.
Afterwards, Pai found his homeroom and threw himself down in an empty chair, not looking at or talking to anyone. Hunched over and slouched. Alone. Invisible. Around him, students squealed and exclaimed as they realized their friends shared their homeroom. The first day of Mathayom 6 was supposed to be joyous. Their last year in school.
Pai tried to recall anything about the first day of school two years ago, but nothing about it had been particularly memorable. All he really knew was that he hadn't been any happier back then. He’d been a ghost— overweight, nerdy, ignored by most. Pai still wore his prescription glasses and was just as much a nerd now as he had been then, except he’d lost over fifty pounds and his hair was no longer the shaggy mop it had once been. He still hadn’t gotten used to the super short cut and missed the thick fringe he once hid behind.
Gradually, Pai grew aware of strange whispers that started to swirl through the classroom. Risking a quick glance at the other students around him, Pai saw the girls in clumps, whispering behind their hands, looking at him before giggling. As the minutes passed, the whispers grew. It felt like everyone was staring at him and talking about him. He wished he could vanish.
At that moment, someone walked in the door that prompted loud, excited screams, drawing everyone’s attention to the front of the room. Even Pai had to look up at the commotion. Standing in the doorway—
It was Sky.
Ever since he was in Mathayom 3, Sky had been widely hailed as the most beautiful boy— not just in his own year but the entire school; as such, he was also the most popular. Boys and girls alike swooned over his fair features. He was of a slim build, beautifully proportioned with fair skin, silky hair, and the most stunning face. Everyone liked Sky. He was perfect. Beautiful, smart, kind, and talented.
Though many braver souls had tempted fate and asked Sky out, it was widely known throughout the school that Sky didn’t have a faen. However, he’d never even been rude- not once!- as he gently rejected everyone. His single status only added to the appeal! Every Valentine’s Day, Sky’s shirt was riddled with heart stickers. (Pai had never received a single sticker, though he’d found one on the back of his shirt one year… obviously transferred by accident in the halls.) Rather than letting all the confessions and affection go to his head, Sky had always looked adorably embarrassed by the attention. He never bragged. The small group of friends – that, for all Pai could tell, were the same group of friends he’d always had – would tease and rib him, but Sky never seemed bothered.
Sky quietly and confidently walked across the room to a seat against the windows and sat down. While the girls in the room squealed with the excitement of being in such close proximity to Sky, he was immediately surrounded by his buddies, asking how his break and weekend had been and chuffed that they were in the same homeroom together.
Pai’s heart rate quickened and he could almost hear his old heart monitor beeping out of control!
Pai tried to resist, but couldn’t help himself from sneaking a glance back over his shoulder. He remembered Sky— how could he not? He’d had a crush on the boy since he’d first laid eyes on him— had it really been over four years ago now?
Sky was two years younger than Pai. They’d never had a single class together, but Pai often saw the younger boy in the halls and at lunch. They’d never really spoken. Pai couldn’t claim to even be friendly with him. Sky had his small, tight crew and Pai was not lucky enough to be connected to them in any way.
He couldn’t help but notice how Sky had matured since he’d last seen him. He’d lost much of the gangly awkwardness and had filled out handsomely. His shoulders were wider, his neck was long and strong. His arms and hands looked like they were sculpted. He truly was more beautiful than Pai remembered. Pai couldn’t believe that he’d ended up in the same class as his longtime crush and couldn’t decide if this was a gift or a curse.
Pai didn’t realize that he was staring until the boy, laughing brightly at something one of his friends said while his beautiful eyes skated over the room, suddenly met Pai's gaze. The blindingly beautiful smile receded and after a moment, the bright eyes widened. They were amber-colored – stunning and dreamy. They hadn’t changed, not one bit– they were still the most beautiful eyes on the planet. It was one of the first things Pai had ever noticed about Sky.
Pai dragged his eyes away from the object of his affection to stare at the top of his desk. He wished to disappear and be invisible. He didn’t want to be here.
Suddenly, one of the girls in the class squatted down next to Pai’s desk, flashing a modest smile at him. Pai leaned away from her by instinct. What did she want?
“Hi! Are you new?”
That was a complicated question. Opting for the easiest response, Pai shook his head.
Her glittering eyes darted to the front of his uniform. “My name is Ple. Your name is Prapai?”
Pai tried to avoid looking at her.
“You’re cute! Do you have a faen?”
What kind of question was that?! Pai’s face twisted in confusion before he softly shook his head again. A few other girls in the room squealed and swarmed around him. Pai felt trapped and was starting to panic.
They craned their necks, trying to get a good look at him.
“Oh, he’s even cuter up close!”
“Why haven’t we seen you before?”
“Did you transfer here from another class?”
“Can I get your LINE?”
“Are you on social media? Can I follow you?”
“What clubs are you thinking of joining?”
“Do you play any sports?”
“Your eyelashes are so long!”
“I love your haircut.” Hands started dragging over his head and hair, grazing his ears, causing him to flinch. “Oh my god! His hair is so soft! Touch it! You have to feel this!”
Hands started to surround him when suddenly someone loudly called out, “Khun Kru Som!” Everyone scrambled back to their seats as the teacher walked in and started calling attendance.
Pai kept his head low the entire morning, not even looking up when Kru Som called out his name but merely raising a reluctant hand. He endured the uniform check, feeling like he was being ridiculed as he walked to the front of the room when a wolf whistle went up from the back row. Returning to his desk, he threw his head down once more, only rising again to claim his class schedule when called before sitting back down without looking at anyone. Holding the piece of paper in his hands, Pai felt like he’d fallen into a time loop. The classes he had to take in order to graduate were the exact same he’d needed two years ago. He even had almost all of the same teachers…
Pai had already happened to see the marching band director during morning assembly. He’d avoided making eye contact, hoping the director didn’t see or recognize him. Pai had played alto sax with them since Mathayom 1, before... But even if the director begged him to join the band again, it wasn’t possible; Pai’s instrument had been sold to pay a medical bill.
He shoved the schedule inside his desk and buried his head in his folded arms on the desktop.
After uniform checks and passing out class schedules, Kru Som began calling students up to collect their textbooks and workbooks. Pai tried not to think of everyone in the room behind him eyeing him as he walked up when his name was called. He accepted the heavy stack and went back to his seat. Pai stared blankly at the pile on his desk for a long while and then shoved them into his bag and desk. Turning his face towards the window, Pai dropped his head down on his folded arms and pretended to sleep to avoid the continued stares and whispers while the rest of his classmates collected their books. When Sky’s name was called, Pai opened one eye just in time to watch the boy walk past and a moment later, laden with his own books, heading back to his desk.
The girl behind Pai kept tapping on his shoulder to get his attention, but he continued pretending to sleep. Already Pai dreaded the idea of having to work in groups for any assignments. If they discovered that he was at all smart, they’d make him do all their work again— just like his old classmates had.
At the lunch bell, the other students rushed out of the room to head to the canteen with their friends. Pai lagged behind; his ears perked up to catch snippets of Sky with his group as they debated what they should eat.
“What’s for lunch today? I didn’t check.”
“Mmm, pad kra prow and khao man gai.”
“What are you guys gonna get?”
Multiple answers were fired off in rapid succession.
“What about you, Sky?”
There was a soft reply. “I can’t decide.”
Pai was slowly putting his things away, hoping to prolong his stay just a little longer. The five boys against the windows made lots of racket as they got up and started walking out, Sky’s friends all putting in their vote for what he should eat.
“Okay, well, it’s tied two to two! You all suck! Hey!— we need a deciding vote! Hey! Dude!”
Pai glimpsed up at the group, who were staring at him. One of the boys at the front whose name Pai didn’t know just yet was looking at him expectantly. Sky stood in the back, those perfect eyes focused on Pai. Were they asking HIM?! “Me?”
It was one of Sky’s friends addressing Pai with an easy smile. “Yeah, you man!”
Sky spoke up softly. “I can’t decide what to eat today. These two say pad kra prow and they say khao man gai. Between the two options, which would you get?”
Pai panicked internally. “Uhh, pad kra prow, I guess. For the fried egg.”
Two of the boys looked like they’d won some sort of silly bet, slapping the others, who looked humored. Sky only smiled a soft smile.
The boy who’d spoken to Pai turned back to his friends. “I forgot about the egg! That sounds good now!”
“Okay, well let’s hurry up and get to the canteen before they run out then! Come on, let’s goooo! I’m hungry!”
The main speaker looked over his shoulder as they walked out. “Thanks, dude! See ya!”
The voices continued down the hall.
“If there’s dessert, can I have yours, Paint?”
“No! You took mine last time! Take Rain’s!”
“Sky, you want me to grab a banana milk for you?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Dude! You drink those all the time! Don’t you ever get tired…”
Their voices died away, too far from the classroom to be heard aside from distorted echoes.
‘Sky spoke to me! He spoke to me. Of course he spoke to you, Pai! You’re sitting here like an idiot while everyone else goes to eat.’ Pai felt almost giddy. It had been the most trivial interaction ever— and yet! Sky had looked at him! Talked to him! Smiled at him! Maybe it meant nothing to Sky, but it filled Pai with a stupid kind of joy.
Also, Sky liked banana milk? The corner of Pai’s mouth lifted into a little grin as he added that tiny tidbit to his knowledge of “All Things Sky”. Maybe Pai would get one today, too…
Perhaps this school year wouldn’t be so bad after all.
During lunch, Pai ate alone in a quiet corner away from prying eyes. He absently chewed on a spring roll while staring at his phone, trying to find Sky's social media accounts. Pai hadn’t known if Sky had any accounts two years ago, but he overheard the boy’s friends talking about it that morning and decided to just have a look-see. He wouldn’t follow Sky. He just wanted to look. Pai had a social media account but had stopped posting after he got sick. He just didn’t see the point. And he only had a dozen followers anyway.
He searched for Sky’s name and, surprisingly, found him! For the rest of his lunch period, Pai scrolled through Sky’s posts. It looked like the entire school and then some followed Sky; he had thousands of followers and hundreds of posts. He posted a good amount of selfies, but almost every single one had something mostly obscuring or covering his face— a cat, a coffee cup, a plushie, a silly sticker or filter— or Sky was making an utterly ridiculous face! A true smile unwittingly crept its way across Pai’s face as he scrolled. When he saw a photo of a black cat in front of an annoyed-looking Sky with its tail jammed under Sky’s nose like a thick black mustache, Pai laughed for the first time that day! No matter what the boy did though, his stunning amber eyes always shone out.
Sky also posted drawings and sketches. Lots of buildings and structures and cafes and some doodles of a little boy with a giant teddy bear. Pai admired the art just as much as the photos, especially since Pai’s drawing skills peaked in primary school!
He both loved and hated when the bell called him back to class.
After returning from lunch and resuming “first day of school business”, the students elected Sky as class president without a single challenge. Pai was glad for him.
The moment class was over for the day, Pai slunk out of the room and disappeared into the crowded hallway. Even as he tried to blend in, some girls stopped in their tracks and watched him walk past, giggling, whispering, and squealing. He ignored them.
That night, when his mom finally got home from work and asked how school had been, Pai lied. It was easier to tell his Mae what she probably wanted to hear. She was the one who asked that Pai finish school. He was only doing this to make her happy. After everything she’d done for him, he could do this much…
He spent his free hours that evening sprawled on his bed, browsing Sky’s account, reading every caption and all of Sky’s replies to people’s comments. And if he saved a few photos to his phone…
The next morning, the first pastry appeared.
Pai had always been the first student to get to class, having no reason to loiter in the halls or dilly-dally, chatting with classmates. He’d sit alone at his desk while everyone else filed in. They would talk in groups while he sat and pretended to be a ghost. A non-entity. It was how he’d always been.
But there— sitting in the middle of his desktop was a pandan-flavored Euro Cake. Multiple thoughts rushed through Pai’s mind at once. A wave of nostalgia was the first— this was once his favorite snack. He ate one every day before he’d had to leave school. He loved the sweet custard filling. Then confusion eroded the pleasant memories. Who put this here? How did they know Pai used to eat them? Was it pure chance or— was someone doing this deliberately? Was it an old classmate who remembered him? It had to be, didn’t it? Were they making fun of him? Poking fun at him for once being fat? True, most of the kids he’d gone to school with before had graduated already, but not all. He’d seen several familiar faces in the halls already. Would it start all over again?
Pai slipped the pastry deep into his desk and darted a quick look around the room. Only two other people were currently present, sitting in the back, talking quietly betwixt themselves, ignoring Pai completely. Well, if anyone expected a reaction out of him, they weren’t going to get it! Pai sat stone-faced the entire morning, quietly taking notes.
When they broke for lunch, Pai put his head down to wait for everyone to leave. He’d successfully made it through half the day– ignoring Ple and her group, relearning things he’d covered two years ago, and trying to be a ghost. Four more hours and the day would be over. While Pai would have loved for Sky or one of his friends to maybe talk to him again like they had yesterday, Pai wanted to avoid questions or stares… But his worrying was pointless, Sky’s group only talked amongst themselves as they left.
Hopefully the empty room he’d eaten lunch in before would be empty again. He’d surf Sky’s social media or something…
Pai was the only person in the abandoned classroom. He finally stood up and made his way to the front. Just at the door, he stopped and looked at the unopened pastry in his hand. Pai could almost smell it through the plastic wrapper. He knew how sweet and soft these rolls were. With no emotion, he dropped it into the trash bin and walked out.
The next morning, another pastry had materialized. Pai stuffed it into the desk again and pulled out his books.
Every single morning, a new cake awaited him. It made Pai angrier and angrier. Why were they doing this to him? He never ate a single bite. Each and every one ended up in the bin.
Pai began to once again hate and dread going to school every morning. Though this was nothing like the blatant bullying he’d suffered before, the psychological warfare grated on him. He only hoped that if he continued to not give them the satisfaction that they would eventually stop— stop wasting their money and stop torturing him.
That wasn’t the only unpleasant situation he had to endure. Years ago, when Pai wasn’t being bullied, he was just flat-out ignored. He could handle that; being a ghost was no big deal when you preferred being invisible. Now, it felt like eyes followed him. Every day, Pai felt hounded by guys and girls alike. They openly flirted with him, vying for his attention. He didn’t trust it. It felt like an elaborate trap. Today it was particularly bad.
“Have you ever thought of maybe wearing a little makeup? We could give you a makeover! A little contouring!”
“And your shoulders are so broad, Paiiiiii…”
“How tall are you really? You always hunch over. You should stand up straighter, like Sky!”
“You should really switch to contacts! I’ll bet your eyes would be so pretty without those glasses!”
One of the annoying girls surrounding his desk reached up to touch his glasses, but Pai pulled his face away. He wanted to tell them to get the hell away, but his mother had raised him to be respectful. Why did these stupid girls think they could just touch him?! His mother had had to work hard to pay for his glasses and Pai wasn’t about to ask her for more money just to appease these girls’ desires! He didn’t want or ask for their attentions in the first place!
“You know, Pai! If you didn’t wear glasses, you’d be as handsome as Sky!”
Pai had no idea when people had started comparing him to Sky! Why on earth would anyone pit them against one another? Like comparing a pebble to a perfect pearl!
For reasons that even Pai didn’t understand, he looked back over his shoulder. Sky sat in his chair by the window, the sunlight making his hair glow. Sky was also staring at him with a strange expression Pai couldn’t make out. Did Sky think that his position was being threatened? Did he see Pai as an enemy? Would he bully Pai like everyone else to maintain that position? No- Pai refused to believe that Sky would do such a thing. He’d been enamored of the nong for years but had never seen any sign of the boy having a mean bone in his body. It was one of the reasons Pai liked him so much.
Before Pai could look away, a small smile graced those perfect pink lips. The smile haunted Pai; he didn’t know what it meant. Was Sky pleased that people were comparing him to Pai? That seemed unlikely! Pai never wished to be any sort of competition to Nong Sky. Who would ever even dream of comparing them?! Sky was perfect! Pai was unworthy.
When Pai got home that afternoon, after helping Phan and Plerng with their assignments and prepping dinner for when his mom would return from work, he pulled out his own homework, and, when he needed a break, commenced with his usual distraction— perusing Sky's socials.
Pai’s crush continued to post daily selfies on his account. Though he had never seen Sky wear glasses before, the boy had posted a cluster of pictures wearing some reading glasses and all Pai could think was how much they emphasized those beautiful, bright amber eyes! Did Sky also need glasses and just wear contacts at school? His thumb had automatically shot towards the “Like” button before Pai had to stop himself! He still wasn’t officially following Sky, just kind of, maybe, sort of, gently cyberstalking him in his free time… Pai slammed the phone down and tried to focus on his English worksheets.
Pai struggled with the unbelievable frustration that was the past tense, present tense, past participle, and present participle of “lay” and “lie”. Why was English so fucking complicated?! It was no wonder that his mind wandered.
He began thinking about all the likes and supportive comments on Sky’s post and found himself feeling a bit bitter at the world at large. It just went to show that a beautiful person could wear glasses, be found equally beautiful, and never be teased for it. No one was telling Sky to remove his glasses like they had Pai. It caused Pai to remember the stupid things that had been said to him that day as well as...
They’d been in gym class earlier that morning when the latest ogling had started. Not needing his glasses on the field at that moment, Pai had run to the bleachers and taken them off, intending to leave them on the benches for safety. High-pitched squeals had gone up from every girl watching him in the immediate area. Pai didn’t see what the big difference was between wearing his glasses or not— he was still the same guy— so he tried to ignore them. He wasn’t doing this to appease them! He just didn’t want to damage his frames.
Pai had been somewhat nervous leaving his glasses on the bleachers, fearful someone would step on them or pinch them. Sky had been sitting nearby and, when their eyes met, his crush had glanced at Pai’s glasses and then nodded. It made Pai think that, maybe just perhaps, if anyone did try to mess with his glasses, Sky would help him out.
As he’d walked back out onto the field, more people had started pointing, chanting Pai’s name and screaming about how attractive he was. He wished they wouldn’t. It made him feel so very self-conscious.
Pai had always been of a more stocky build. All the men in his family were just— wider and thicker. He’d never been ‘ripped’ in terms of muscle, just— average. And the love of food hadn’t really helped. Before he’d gotten sick, Pai had been a stout boy who would help the neighborhood grannies and aunties lift and carry heavy things. They’d affectionately called him a "strong ox", which he’d reveled in. It was a nice compliment. He’d never been afraid of hard work– anything that would be worth a few baht to give his mother.
The dramatic weight loss from his illness had changed his physique quite a bit. The pudgy padding that once softened his whole frame now gone, Pai had wider-looking shoulders and a slimmer waist. His jawline had become more pronounced. Even his ankles tapered down making his legs look more angular and powerful. All of his old clothes fit loosely now. He hated that his mom had wasted so much money on new clothes when his older stuff was still wearable. He actually liked the baggier clothes over the more form-fitting uniforms his mother pushed on him. Pai couldn’t remember the last time his clothes were this size. He’d been chunky even in primary school. The other boys had once teased that Pai had bigger tits than most girls in their school; as such (even before everything that came later), he had always changed in one of the bathroom stalls, away from seeing eyes. Now Pai had different reasons for not wanting to be seen.
Like persistent flies, girls and even a few boys ran up to Pai during every gym class now, offering him water and drinks, or to wipe off his sweat or massage his muscles. It all bothered Pai to no end, wondering what they were truly wanting. The amount of unwanted, unwelcome comments made about his body disturbed him, as much as, if not more so, than the comments about his previous weight had. He felt like some sort of freak on display.
The only solace from all that were the brief glimpses he got of Sky in the changing rooms and during their games. Sky’s body was lithe and perfect. Pai really liked those lean legs. The pale flesh that only got paler under Sky’s clothes. Pai tried with all his might to not stare as Sky changed in and out of his uniform, trying not to think of how soft that skin might be… To not think of what he wished he could do with Sky— TO him — if only…
But it was hopeless. People were already talking about how Sky would doubtless be the Moon of whatever faculty he enrolled in for uni. And secretly, Pai agreed. He didn’t believe anyone in the world could compare to Sky’s beauty inside and out. Even celebrities didn’t stand a chance in Pai’s heart and mind. As much as other students swooned over Sky, they also harbored biases from TV shows, pop groups and celebrities, but for Pai?— there was only Sky.
Every night, prior to throwing himself in the shower before bed, Pai would stare at himself in the mirror. He stared at the body that had been through so much in the past few years. The new hair that was slowly growing back after falling out. The dark eyes that now had more luster where they had once been dull and lifeless. The flesh, now a healthy honey color, that had once been ashen with chemical radiation. Bones and musculature that had been hidden under soft fat for his entire life that now stood out. The scars from where he’d been repeatedly poked, prodded, and injected with drugs that destroyed his body in an effort to kill the sickness within him. The massive scar down his stomach…
He missed the soft skin that had once covered his pudgy belly. Hugs were once soft and squishy, warm and happy… Now, when he pressed against his own body, it felt hard. Less comforting.
Pai's classmates could admire his body all they wanted. Pai hated it.
The school year moved at a glacial pace and simultaneously at lightspeed.
The morning pastries continued to plague him, yet Pai staunchly refused to react, still waiting for the day that the viper would reveal themself. Though it was a terrible way to start off every day, Pai’s mood would improve the moment Sky walked in the door.
They still hadn’t really talked much. One word exchanges here and there. Pai just couldn’t bring himself to chat up his crush, afraid he might embarrass himself. He had, however, become highly skilled at picking up tidbits from Sky and his group. His “All Things Sky” familiarity was growing steadily.
Even without their teacher announcing Sky as the top scorer on their quizzes and tests, Pai quickly learned that Sky was “the smart one” of his friends. The rest of them constantly turned to him for help, instantly lumping themselves into a group for any class projects. Pai himself managed to stay near the top of the class, secretly challenging himself to one day perhaps best Sky on a test. He wondered what it might be like to be openly competitive with Sky on their ranking. Not that he actually minded Sky being the top student… He silently cheered for his crush after every exam.
Once or twice, when Sky had been busy assisting one of his other friends, the boy next to Pai turned to him to ask for help. While Pai explained how to find the volume of the cylinder, he’d glanced back over the boy’s shoulder to see Sky smiling at him. His crush had mouthed the word “thanks”, sending Pai’s heart into an arrhythmia. Pai barely had time enough to nod in return before Sky’s shoulder had been tapped and his attention was pulled away to the worksheet being held in front of his face.
Between classes, Sky’s small group often played a multiplayer mobile game. The tall boy that sat directly behind Sky seemed to be the most vicious player, sniping everyone. The two boys in the row between Pai and Sky seemed to die often and complained loudly, which made the others laugh. The boy sitting in front of Sky was the most reckless, charging into fights that made the others yell and hit him. Pai couldn’t determine how Sky ranked or his playing style, but he seemed to laugh a lot. That laugh was one of Pai’s favorite sounds in the world.
When collecting equipment after gym class one day, Pai had found himself near the group. One boy was complaining loudly about how much he hated football and clumsily dropping a ball for every new one he picked up. They teased Sky for always wanting to go to all the games. Pai had had no idea that Sky liked sports.
One of his favorite things was to stealthily watch Sky draw. Pai sometimes caught glimpses of Sky at his group’s lunch table while he was in line for food. The little head tilt to the side, the boy’s focus completely dedicated to his sketchbook. A few times Pai had randomly found himself alone in the classroom with Sky between classes, his herd of friends having run off to buy snacks or drinks. Pai never chanced looking at his crush then, simply laid his head down on his desk and listened to the soft scratching of the pencil on paper; it was the most serene sound in the world.
A few weeks into the school year, it was announced one morning that a respected school alumnus was coming to speak to the students to encourage them ahead of choosing universities. The man had graduated recently and had been named the Moon of his faculty at a prestigious local university. Pai didn’t care. He didn’t really plan on going to college.
The homeroom buzzed in anticipation as they waited for the guest to arrive, wondering who the alum might be. Pai ignored it as he did everything else. He didn’t scroll on his phone because the only thing he wanted to look at was Sky’s posts, but he didn’t want to risk being caught by anyone, so he chose instead to lay his head down on his arms and try to overhear what he could of Sky’s conversation with his friends.
They casually talked about their plans after graduating. One already knew the university and faculty he planned to apply to; another planned to work immediately at his family’s business; the next said he was going to uni only because his guardian demanded it but— didn’t exactly sound upset about that fact; and another said he might like to work in a pastry shop. But the one boy Pai wanted to hear most didn’t speak up until asked directly by the others. Sky hummed for a moment before admitting that he hadn’t really decided yet. His friends immediately objected in unison, saying that of course Sky should go to university!
Pai agreed. He daydreamed of what Sky might look like in a university uniform… Walking across a campus in the sun, sitting in a lecture. Would he go to parties? Could he picture a drunk Sky? Pai wondered what it might be like to escort Sky home from a bar— with a pink tinge on those cheeks, clinging to Pai’s neck… He’d love to be Sky’s personal chauffeur, his designated driver.
He was pulled from his warm, fuzzy thoughts by the teacher announcing their special guest. Every eye in the room turned to the door.
In walked a dark figure, like a storm wind blowing through the room, unsettling everything. Every girl present screamed and squeed. Pai looked up and recognized Phayu instantly and a chill raced down his spine.
Fuck the gods and their sick fucking sense of humor!
Pai kept his face and head down, never once looking up at the person at the front of the room. Phayu had a natural ability to talk to crowds and, with his good looks, everyone listened. The girls curled their fists under their chins to stare dreamily at Phayu while the guys all seemed to sit up straighter, trying to imitate the senior’s mannerisms. Pai simply preferred that Phayu would take no notice of him.
The class burst into rapturous applause at the end of Phayu’s talk. Pai stayed hidden. Though he had tried to ignore Phayu entirely, it had been impossible not to pick up bits and pieces. It sounded like every generic “motivational speech” ever given by anyone with nothing original to say. And with an unhealthy amount of Phayu bragging about himself and how amazing he was. Pai wanted to spit in his eye.
When Phayu left the room, he was followed by most of Pai’s classmates, desperate for just one moment of the “suave, debonair” older man’s attention and begging for photos and selfies. Meanwhile, Pai waited until the classroom was completely deserted. He was just glad that he’d managed to evade detection and thanked no one in particular for that mercy, at least!
Once the last echoes died away and the halls were abandoned, Pai collected his books into his bag and walked out of the classroom, grateful that another day was over.
“Thought that was you, piggy!”
Pai froze mid-stride. He slowly turned to see Phayu leaning against the wall beside the open door. A Cheshire grin was plastered on the man’s smug face. Pai hated it instantly.
Phayu had once been the most desired boy in school. If Sky was the accepted “angel” of the campus for never dating a single soul, Phayu was the “bad boy” type that drove boys and girls alike wild! He’d dated countless people during his time there— younger, older, boy, girl; it didn’t matter. Students and teachers worshipped him as the “god of the school”. They all conveniently forgave Phayu for being a bully to those he deemed “lesser than”— Namely, Pai.
Phayu and his gang – Petch, Gun and the others – had made Pai’s life in school miserable. (Phayu’s twin brother Saifah, being a pacifist, had never participated thankfully, but he hadn’t exactly tried to stop his older twin, either!) Pai had never done anything to his knowledge to attract their attention, and yet they’d hounded him day in and day out. Making cow and pig sounds when he walked by, calling him countless names and tripping him in hallways. He’d been tossed into bathroom stalls and locked in, and had rubbish or water dumped on him. They’d trashed his desk and messed with his schoolbooks, taken his gym clothes and shoes, and poked at his lunches.
Pai had never told anyone, afraid his mother would hear about it. He’d just… quietly bottled it all up and tried to forget. As he’d been laid up in the hospital for all those months, he’d even wondered if Phayu and his gang had somehow indirectly influenced the onset of his illness.
Pai turned to walk away, determined to move on. Let Phayu go and “rule the school” and university all he wanted or whatever! Pai wanted nothing to do with him.
“Thought you’d dropped out for good. What on earth are you doing back here, Piggy? What? Couldn’t handle being a complete failure anymore? Thought you’d try again?”
He should have kept walking. Pai should have walked off and not listened to this crap, but years of being Phayu’s punching bag had him rooted to the spot. At least Pai refused to turn around and face the jerk. A small part of Pai wondered why the hell Phayu was stooping to bully him even now, but there was a funny sort of comfort in the fact that Phayu hadn’t changed one bit since they’d gone to school together.
Phayu walked closer, his steps echoing threateningly in the empty hall. Every second Pai waited for a hit or a kick. He wouldn’t put it past Phayu in the slightest…
“Hey! Water elephant, I’m talking to you! Ohhhh, are you not gonna turn around because you’ve lost a little weight?” Phayu's smug face came into view as he circled to stand in front of Pai. “You think you’re all that now that you’ve slimmed down a bit? Well, I still remember you, Chubby!” Phayu reached up and flicked Pai’s glasses on his face.
Pai stood rigid, refusing to engage. He grit his teeth. He had never seen anything of the “handsome phi” that everyone talked about. Nothing about Phayu was attractive. He was cruel and horrid.
“I’ll bet if we just feed you a little, you’ll fatten up, nice and plump again.” Phayu continued circling Pai until he stood behind Pai once again and leaned over his shoulder to whisper in his ear, “We missed you so much once you dropped out, Piggy. It just wasn’t the same without you!”
Pai wanted to turn around and sock Phayu in the face. To punch and hit him until he bled. To take out years of suppressed frustration on his ugly face!
But if Pai got into a fight, he’d get called into the disciplinary office. What if they called his mother, forcing her to leave work? She’d only just gotten this new job— and it paid well! Not to mention that Phayu would probably press charges against him. With Phayu’s wealth, he could destroy Pai’s family.
He couldn’t risk it. He’d have to endure. Pai dug his fingernails into his own palm around his bag strap.
Behind him, Pai heard a voice call out to Phayu.
“Phi! I was wondering— uhh, I wanted to talk to you— … about the Architecture Faculty. I’m thinking about applying. Could you give me some pointers?”
Pai didn't wait to hear Phayu play the Perfect Senior to another mindless sycophant. He took the opening to stomp down the hallway and out the school grounds. How he hated that asshole.
The next day, the rumors were already swirling.
“Did you hear?! Pai was in P’Phayu’s year!”
“So wait! That means he’s like two years older than us?! That’s kind of hot!”
“Does this mean we need to call him P’Pai now?”
“OoOoOo… an older man, huh? Sexy!”
“Are you crazy?! That’s gross! What’s a nineteen-year old doing with a bunch of seventeen-year olds?! Keep away from him! He’ll probably try to cop a feel first thing!”
“I always wondered why he looked so mature compared to us!”
“What? Did he get held back or something?”
“Hahaha! Probably too stupid to pass!”
The comments just got worse and worse. Pai ignored everything and tried to read.
A day later, a new wave of talk went up. Someone had found an old school yearbook. They shoved the book under Pai’s nose, asking if the overweight kid pictured was really him. The laughter filled the room. Some of the girls said that he’d had a major “glow-up”. Others didn’t look so convinced. Pai only grit his teeth and ignored them.
It was only a matter of time before the rumors took a new and darker turn. No longer content to wait for breaks, the other students now whispered and hissed loudly during class, even while the teacher was giving the lesson.
“I heard he was gone for those two years to get plastic surgery!”
“No, it was liposuction! They cut open his stomach to suck out all the fat!”
“Do you think maybe he had gastric bypass surgery, too? I mean, why not since they already had him cut open?”
“Come to think of it, he never takes his shirt off in the changing rooms! Has anyone ever seen him shirtless?”
“Who’d have thought that he could look nice on the outside, but underneath he’s probably covered in scars!”
Pai slammed his book shut and stuffed it into his desk. He grabbed his bag, stood up mid-lesson, ignoring the teacher’s call and walked out of the building. He hated all of them. What did they know?!
Pai once again stood bare in front of the mirror in his bathroom.
Pai had been perfectly happy with his body before. He didn’t mind being chunky. It was just a natural side effect of having a healthy relationship with food! The illness had nearly taken that from him as well. Foods that Pai loved more than anything became a daily battle, no longer bringing any kind of pleasure or joy. Before they’d known what it was— no matter how much his mother tried to feed him good foods, he’d kept losing weight… The continuous stomach aches that never seemed to go away.
The single thick, long, jagged scar down the middle of Pai’s stomach was a gruesome reminder of the surgery he’d had to undergo to remove the Stage III colon cancer. They still had the photos of it in a drawer somewhere— of the pieces of his own body that had been trying to kill him. The lumpy bloody masses they had cut out of him. The doctors had taken photos while he’d still been under anesthesia. “In case Pai wanted to see it”, they said.
As much as he was thankful that the scar represented the procedure that had saved his life (the same one that might have saved his father or even his grandfather if they’d taken their stomach aches seriously and seen a doctor in time), Pai also hated that damn scar. It was a daily reminder that his family was in debt because of him. Because of an illness passed down to him, that he had no control over. A reminder of the chemo he’d had to endure, losing all of his hair and so much weight. A reminder of the pain and the countless nights throwing up. A reminder of the two years of his life he’d lost to his cancer. Having to drop out of school because he was constantly too exhausted to move, too sick to study. All his peers had graduated and moved on with their lives, while Pai had laid in a hospital bed, crying, wracked with pain, alone while his mother worked three jobs to pay for his treatment, trying to save his life. His little siblings had cried on the phone, asking why Pai didn’t leave the hospital and come home to be with them.
He sometimes wondered if things would have been easier if he hadn’t agreed to let his Mae take him to get checked out. If he, like his father, had just not said anything. Or if he’d simply rejected the painful treatments. Maybe he’d have died too, but then at least his mom wouldn’t be in debt. She’d only have to take care of Phan and Plerng and wouldn’t have been so burdened with a sick child…
Pai chastised himself for thinking that way. There was nothing to be done now. He couldn’t go back and change a thing. What happened had happened. It was over and done. Now, he could only try to keep his mother happy and help her raise his siblings. He could never let the same thing happen to Phan or Plerng!
The next morning, Pai walked into the classroom later than usual. He no longer cared what everyone said. He didn’t want to be here. A few more months and he’d graduate; he’d be free of all this crap! He just had to keep his head down until then.
And there sat the pastry once again. That perfect plastic-wrapped cake that had once made him happy. The classmates already sitting at their desks were chatting loudly. Some turned to look at him and laughed.
Something in Pai snapped. He stormed to his desk, dropped his bag, and grabbed the dessert, gripping it so hard that the bag popped and his fist crushed the pastry, custard filling gushing out. Pai spun around and threw it as hard as he could across the room at the whiteboard; a resounding smack and splat as it dropped to the floor caught the attention of everyone in the room. They all turned to look at him.
Pai couldn’t control the anger that burnt him from within. He feared he might start crying, he was so frustrated. “Who did it?” He stared at the floor. “Who’s giving me these damn things? Why can’t you just leave me the fuck alone?! What did I ever do to any of you?! Why can’t you mind your own damn business and stop tormenting me like this?! So I was fat! So the fuck what?! Why do you need to make fun of someone else to feel — what? Powerful? Better than me?! Well, you win! I don’t give a damn anymore! Now just leave me the HELL ALONE!”
He looked up and around at his “classmates”. Half of them looked shocked and confused at his outburst. A couple of them looked guilty. A few looked unaffected. Turning around to look at all those behind him, Pai caught Sky’s face. The eyes that Pai thought so pretty were wide-open, those perfect pink lips parted in surprise. Pai instantly regretted this shameless display and wished Sky hadn’t been in the room to see it.
He couldn’t bring himself to look at Sky any longer. Let him think what he wanted! Pai didn’t care. He left his books, his bag, he left Sky— he left everything. He barged out of the class right past the teacher as the man walked in, asking what the commotion was about. Pai ignored him and just barely kept himself from shouldering the man. As Pai bowled down the hallway and down the stairs, he heard the voice of every student in the room start talking all at once. He didn’t care what they said anymore. He knew what they’d say. It was nothing new. And none of it was true anyway.
Pai marched to the registrar’s office and asked if he could switch classes. It wouldn’t solve the problem, but Pai wasn’t thinking logically. He just needed— away. When he was informed that switching classes wasn’t possible, he asked for a withdrawal form. He’d figure something else out. He’d take the GED. He was done!
As he made his way towards the school gate, Pai heard someone behind him calling his name. He ignored it. Footsteps pounded the pavement, running up to him and getting closer.
“P’Pai! Please stop!”
Pai spun around, ready to tear into them for referring to him as “phi”. He was met with Sky’s worried face. His heart felt squeezed in his chest.
He’d always dreamed of talking to Nong Sky alone. He’d dreamed up countless scenarios of them meeting in a hallway or empty classroom and talking— holding hands— kissing— and yes, Pai had envisioned much more! Things that had caused him to have to defog his glasses or clean up messes in the middle of the night! The fact that he was about to possibly really talk to his crush for the first time after that deplorable explosion in the classroom had him crumpling the paper in his hand! Why did it have to be Sky of all people? He honestly wanted to cry.
“P’Pai? Where are you going? Are you leaving?” Sky’s face, even scrunched into a look of concern, was still perfection.
Pai wanted to kick himself for falling for such a pretty, sweet boy. He tore his eyes away to keep from losing the last shred of dignity he had remaining. He didn’t even trust his own voice to answer.
“Phi?”
Even though Sky was younger and simply being respectful like he always was, Pai hated the word on Sky’s lips. It was just another way for him to feel separated and different and left out.
“Ph—“
Pai cut him off. “Don’t call me that!”
Sky’s mouth snapped shut audibly. His thin body seemed to shrink.
Pai realized how rude he’d been, biting the poor boy’s head off when he’d never done a thing to deserve it. The fury inside still hadn’t dissipated and he was taking it out on his one and only crush! Pai kicked himself mentally. “I’m sorry. Just— please don’t call me ‘phi’?”
“Then, should I call you Prapai?”
Pai finally let himself look at Sky. Only now did he realize that Sky was holding his school bag. In the morning sunlight, Sky was prettier than ever. The light was so soft out here in the grounds of the school, away from the other students, the indoor lighting, the taunting and teasing, away from everything. He half-wondered if it was truly safe to trust Sky. This was never how he’d envisioned this first talk going. “Sure, or… Just— just Pai is fine.”
For a moment, Sky stared at him, those gorgeous eyes searching Pai's face, and then—
“Pai.”
Pai thought for a moment that he saw the flicker of a smile on those perfect lips. It twisted his heart. How many times had he fantasized about Sky saying his name? And yet, this was more magical than any filthy dream he’d ever had. That one syllable, on those lips, spoken to him, for him alone… It felt so nice. If Sky had said this one word to him on ANY other day, Pai would have been over the moon. He nodded without knowing why.
“Oh!” Sky looked down at his own hands holding Pai’s bag. “You left this. Are you skipping class?” Sky moved a little closer to where Pai stood.
Of course! Sky was the class president. He’d be held responsible if Pai cut classes or something, right? That was why he was trying to make Pai go back?
“Yeah. I, uhh—“. Pai’s sense of self-reproach made him reluctant to meet Sky’s eyes again, except the boy was getting closer. The nearness was making Pai’s heart beat out a frantic rhythm in his chest. With the exception of the one time they’d accidentally bumped into each other in a hallway, this was perhaps the closest Pai could remember being to his crush.
Sky held out the bag towards Pai. Hesitantly, Pai reached out to that perfect pale hand. He wanted so badly to touch those hands! But he chickened out at the last second, grabbing the side of the bag. “Thanks.”
Sky’s stunning eyes looked down to the crumpled form in Pai’s other hand and seemed to go through a myriad of emotions before shooting back up to Pai’s face.
“Are you dropping out?!” Sky stepped closer. “Please don’t drop out, Pai!”
Two small hands wrapped around Pai’s clenched fist. Sky’s amber irises glistened at him.
“Please don’t go?”