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Flash Family barbecues were never boring and that was only a small reason why Bart never missed one. He mostly went for the same reason everyone did; because he wanted to see his family in ways that didn't accompany high speed and high stakes. They always began around 4 in the afternoon, and went on until everyone got too tired and decided to leave back to their own homes even if they were thousands of miles away. Because when you could move faster than the speed of light, nowhere on Earth was ever too far.
Everyone always felt close, but on a barbecue day, everyone felt closer. Today was no different under a mild late August evening.
Things were finally winding down as the sun simmered on the suburban horizon, stealing shadows. While full on hotdogs, hamburgers, pasta salad, and more fruit than anyone probably had eaten all Summer, everyone began saying their (temporary) goodbyes. Even Bart as he gave Wally a half hug and a pat on his back.
"See ya later, man," he sighed.
Wally half chuckled, a little tired from entertaining. Bart knew he was relieved that the next barbecue was supposed to hosted at Jay's. "Yep, see you on the next race tra-"
Irey suddenly blitzed in front of them. "Dad! Important question! If you were a pony, what would your cutie mark be? A yellow, white or red lightning bolt?"
Wally blinked. "Oh, uh… White, I think?" Irey nodded in understanding and then vanished in sparks. "Sorry about that, Ba-"
"Okay another question!" Irey suddenly interrupted again. "If mom was a pony, would her base color be black, light-blue, or lilac?"
"Uhhh," Wally stalled as he took a moment to decipher his daughter's rapid-fire question. "Lilac." Irey vanished again.
"Anywa-"
"Final question!!!" Irey showed up again - her hand waving theatrically - and Wally smiled patiently as Bart blinked. "Do you want wings, or no?"
"Well, why not? Who wouldn't want to fly?" Wally rationalized and Irey nodded seriously then left in a crackle of bolts. Bart and Wally waited then, anticipating that she would be back.
When it was obvious she was done with her interrogations Bart chuckled. "Man, she reminds me of me when I first showed up. Remember? You didn't have any patience for that sort of energy back then though!"
Wally laughed ironically. "Yeah, I didn't. But it's different when it's family!"
Bart's smile fell.
"Anyway, Bart, I'll see you later, okay?" Wally clapped his shoulder and began his ascent up the patio stairs into his house.
"Yeah," Bart said very softly, but the late August wind stole the word before Wally could hear it. Wally didn't pause and he slid open the glass doors and continued on inside; Bart heard a loud laugh and some sort of shriek from Irey.
Turning into photons, Bart burned back to his home with Kon in Smallville.
Kon had just finished feeding their cat, Miss Mint Chip AKA "Miss Minty". He was in the middle of drying his hands off when Bart appeared in their living room under a flicker. "Hey babe! How was the barbecue?" When Bart didn't answer him he turned the corner, finding him standing there. "Uh, babe?"
"Oh! Sorry Kon, I didn't hear you," revealed Bart and to Kon he looked… distant.
"Woah, did something happen over there?" Kon asked as he slid a hand over his shoulder.
"Huh? Oh. No. No, nothing!" Bart insisted and he raked a hand through his hair. "It was fine! Irey and Jai are growing huge. Jay still says Kansas needs to 'stay in its lane', and Avery is Cards Against Humanity supreme champion."
Kon could tell there was something bothering his boyfriend. "Anything else happen?"
Bart shook his head. "No! Anyway, I gotta shower, there's a new episode of Star Trek that came out right? We can watch it when I get out!"
Kon couldn't say a single syllable before Bart vanished into glittering embers.
Kon knew how to read Bart.
While others might struggle to notice when something was bothering Bart, or would take his claims of being "just fine" as truth, Kon knew otherwise. Bart's whole body was tense with an unknown weight and it led him into being more fidgety than he normally was. Kon could have written it off as one of his numerous brain-weird moments of being a speedster if Bart's attention wasn't somewhere in the next galaxy; he didn't even appear to register he was watching the episode of Star Trek they had looked forward to all week.
Normally, when the credits started rolling, they would be immediately swapping theories (or complaints) but tonight Bart just stared at the TV screen as he leaned on the arm of the couch, head propped up by his hand, eyes far, far away, like he was chasing something invisible.
Kon had enough and he turned the TV off.
That got Bart to snap back to reality as he looked at him. "You didn't like the episode that much?"
Kon tossed the remote on the coffee table. "I think I would have liked it better if my boyfriend wasn't clearly dealing with something that was bothering him."
Bart made a guilty face and he sighed, straightening up. "Okay, okay, sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the episode. But trust me, it's nothing big."
"Uh-huh," Kon voiced doubtfully. "Whatever it is, it distracted you from Star Trek, and me, so that's a lie."
Had Bart been younger he might have just flickered to the other side of the planet to avoid talking about it, but now older and in a very committed relationship, he kept his ass on the couch and forced himself to face what he would have rather run from. Feeling Kon's hand on his right knee solidified it, he had to speak. "It's just stupid, okay Kon? Wally probably didn't even mean for it to come out like that but-" Bart stalled, trying desperately to grip the words he wanted to say. For the first time in a long time it would have been easier to say in Interlac and he mourned that Kon wasn't fluent enough.
Under a frustrated and relenting sigh, Bart tossed his head back on the couch, staring at their ceiling. "Irey's sorta like me, y'know, or how I was. That sort of high-energy used to stress Wally out so much, and he'd always tell me to slow down or shut up! No powers! Remember?"
Oh he did. "I remember."
"Yeah. So anyway, I was talking with Wally and I told him how much Irey reminded me of me, and reminded him of how little patience he had for that kind of energy and he… Aw grife this stupid. He didn't mean anything by it!" Bart stood up and marched to their kitchen as if the little movement would propel him away from the situation.
It didn't work. "What did he say?" Kon probed as he followed Bart. "Maybe whatever Wally said is stupid and you need someone else to also agree it's stupid."
Bart leaned against the kitchen island. "When I brought it up, Wally said 'it's different when it's family'."
Kon froze and his mouth dropped open a little. "What?!"
Kon's reaction is what pushed Bart over the edge as his eyes got misty. "Grife, so it's not just me, right? It sounds, like, really bad!"
"Bart, that sounds beyond bad, that sounds like shit! He really said that?"
"I don't think Wally meant it like that," Bart said. "But he still said it, and I… Grife. I don't know what to do with that. I thought we were over all our… problems."
Kon reached for Bart and brought him into a hug. Bart accepted it eagerly as he wrapped his arms around his broad chest and sighed as he felt Kon's TTK also fold around him. It was a weighted blanket, embraced in his boyfriend's mind he couldn't possibly be safer and he could feel every drop of love through it.
After awhile, Kon eased his hold and shifted to kiss his forehead. "I don't think he meant it like how it sounded either, but it still was a shitty thing to say and he should have known better."
Bart cracked a little half-hearted grin. "Gonna beat him up for it?"
"I might tomorrow," Kon said returning a little smile for a moment before it fell. "But seriously Bart, I don't think you should just… run from this."
Bart knew he was right, even if he wished he could just ignore it like how his younger fifteen year old self might have. "I'll talk to him eventually. Don't beat him up before then, okay? I need to know what he actually meant first."
"Deal," Kon let him go. "So, how are we gonna save the evening?"
Bart suddenly smirked, his yellow eyes smoldering. "Oh, I have a few ideas…"
Bart remembered his first few months outside of Virtual Reality with a mix of bittersweet fondness, shame, and anger.
Fondness because learning how to love the real world and everyone in it was an experience he doubted he would ever have again. It was exciting.
Shame because he truly had impulse control problems that even his impulsive adult self was shocked by (even if he knew it wasn't his fault).
But it was anger that kept him awake sometimes at night.
Anger because, now older and well adjusted to life in all its nuances, Bart understood he was never the problem he was made out to be by those around him. He was just a kid that needed more patience and grace than he was ever offered.
Bart was around 20 when he began to understand that the ways Wally and Max treated him when he was younger was abuse, and it wasn't just them 'being unfair' like he felt when he was a teenager.
It was emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse, and Bart was too sheltered by VR, too unsure of how the world worked, to properly defend himself so he could only take that abuse and learn to live with frustration as an ignorant companion.
He was always an angry person, Bart knew this, his frustration led most of it - but it was also fed by sadness and grief. He had no language to describe it until fairly recently.
Why did Wally think ordering Chillblaine to shoot him in the head with a cold gun to teach him about pain was appropriate when he was less than a week out of VR? Why did Jay and Jesse not say anything? Did they even know that's what he did? Bart didn't even find out that Wally had orchestrated that until several years after it happened, and by then it felt so distant an event he wasn't sure if saying anything other "You're a jerkwad!" was appropriate. But it still bothered him at nights when he couldn't sleep.
There were so many other memories from then that kept sleep away…
Why didn't Jay stand up for him when Wally said he would never take being a Titan seriously, and that he would never fill the role of the Flash? Jay knew he was wrong then, right? Bart remembered Jay feebly defending him by saying he had potential, but after that bomb dropped the old man seemed to just shrug. Max at least might have defended him more…
But Max wasn't free from his anger either…
Why did Max think it was appropriate to grab him by his hair and yank it repetitively just to get his attention? Why didn't Max see that he didn't shave his head for no reason, it was because everyone kept pulling his hair, and no one thought to talk to him about how desperate he was to get people to stop touching him like that? It was a desperate wail for help that was shunned and laughed off as him "being impulsive".
Max may have loved him in the end, but he also ignored him in almost every way that mattered, only paying attention when he had a critique, never noticing how much he was drowning.
Bart remembered the phrase "not waving, drowning" and he felt like that was a good way to describe how he was when he was younger. Because everyone thought he was just waving…
Like his grandmother… Iris was the very first person he loved, and the first person he ever remembered loving him. She also wasn't free from his anger as his memories brought him back to the moment when she thought he was too emotional to be able to handle being with Max as he was dying in a hospital. Instead of giving him a merciful day to grieve and be with the only people he could talk to, she forced him to go to school with no powers. "There's nothing you can do here sweetie, just focus on school!" Bart remembered her saying while she doted on Jenni and planned on taking her with them to be with Max.
Bart remembered feeling how unfair it was that Jenni, who didn't even know Max at the time, would be able to be near him if he woke up… or died. Why did she get to be with his family but he couldn't? Back then Bart assumed it was because Jenni didn't have school, and his adult self could embrace that as logical, but it still stung.
What was Iris so afraid of him doing back then? Crying? Being upset that his mentor and safety was dying? Who wouldn't be upset? He cried anyway on the side of the road while howling for Max.
Punching Alvin Baker for pulling his chair out from under him was about so much more than knocking down a bully, in that moment he was an amalgamation of every last person that refused to understand him, including his grandmother, and he only wished he punched the pecker harder. He was not immature, he was not overemotional, he was not stupid, and he was not uncaring about the welfare of others!
There were countless moments like that as he fumbled through in his memories where his existence was at best tolerated rather than nurtured.
By the time he woke up, he was exhausted. The sun filtering in through the window was as soft as Kon's TTK subconsciously wrapped around his waist. The contact acted as a rope that Bart used to pull himself out of his pit of anger and he allowed himself to feel… glad.
Bart was glad he was no longer in that place anymore. Through literal blood and tears he released himself from everyone's preconceived ideas about him, and proved that Impulse was not a fuck up. Impulse was not a child anymore; he was a man in his twenties in love with another man in his twenties he hoped one day might be his husband - and his permanent family.
Just thinking about the word 'family' led Bart to an uncertain space he hadn't been in before - did Wally really not consider him family? If he did, would he have approached him with all the patience he did for Irey when he was fourteen?
Was blood that important to Wally personally?
Bart always knew he wasn't related to Wally by blood, but it never mattered! Wally was never not his cousin, family. Through every last argument and fight they had Bart never thought of him as someone not part of his family.
Wally was always his cousin.
Family.
If Wally didn't feel the same, then what was Bart to him all these years?
It didn't make sense the longer Bart thought about it, because Barry was clearly family to Wally, and if he was excluded from the status of family, then…
Bart was done having these thoughts, he decided, and he needed to do something. He needed to run, at least. If he ran long enough he would find something to take the doubts and fears away if only for a little while.
Bart didn't mean to run into Max as he burned around the American Rocky Mountains, but less than a minute after he finished feeding Miss Minty, he had the old man running next to him. They shared a knowing nod and streaked to Seattle where they spent a morning doing what speedsters did best; helping.
Bart thought it strange Max was around here at this time, usually the old man spent his mornings and afternoons bouncing between Eastern China, Korea, and Japan. That fact was also something Bart never knew until after Max came back from the Speed Force with his grandfather's help. Why couldn't he tell him that himself?
"I thought you would be enjoying a bowl of shoyu ramen bigger than your head at this hour!" Bart commented when they took a small break on top of one of the taller buildings of the distinctly gray city.
Max rolled his shoulder a little. "I don't want to step on Avery's toes," he said bluntly.
"Does she feel stepped on?" Bart asked. Last night she seemed in fine spirits and was absurdly funny in Cards Against Humanity.
"Sometimes you just know when something isn't for you anymore," Max explained in that infernally cryptic way of his that didn't tell you the full picture. At least Bart knew that was just his stupid personality and it wasn't directed at him. "So, I'm looking for a new area."
"I've got the Pacific Northwest, there's not many superheroes out this way, and it's just my vibe," Bart said. "What about the Southeast and Alabama? Y'know, Manchester?"
Max smiled. "Oh, I always make sure to stop by. Manchester sure is quiet now."
Bart wasn't sure if that was a hostile or friendly dig at him or not.
"It seems us Speedsters not being there made the place unappealing to every would-be villain or gang member. Helen is grateful for that," Max elaborated and Bart felt better.
"I miss Helen," Bart mumbled fondly. "I sort of dropped out of contact and I've felt bad about doing that but… I just wasn't sure if I was welcome and…"
"Bart, you're family. Of course you're welcome. Anytime!"
Bart felt himself shut down.
"Bart, are you alright?"
Bart wished something would explode in the distance or a giant octopus would overtake Pike Place Market. But instead the gray city cast against the gray sky just kept being gray. He was trapped and had no choice but to break free from the ice he felt lock him in place at the mere mention of 'family'. Taking a breath, he forced the words off his tongue, because if he let them stay there, they would never be said. "Wally said something last night I don't think he meant, and I've been overthinking everything ever since."
"Ah," said Max. "Wally tends to say a lot he doesn't actually mean."
"I know but, grife, Max. Listen - he sort of suggested that the reason why he was so impatient with me all those years ago was because I wasn't family, and if I was, then maybe he'd have been I dunno, gentle with me instead of aiming a sprocking cold gun at my face and shooting me with it!" Bart recalled bitterly as his voice shook. "Like, what the sprock was that?! Who does that to a kid?!"
Max was never emotionally available, but at Bart's pain he did look disturbed as he slid a papery hand over his white shoulder. "Bart, even good people make very bad decisions. I'm sorry you were caught in the crossfire of… a lot of them."
Bart had to remove his goggles to wipe his eyes and his words started flowing like water over a cliff. "It just sprocking sucks, because I thought all this shit was over with. This shit happened over twelve years ago! But now I can't stop thinking about everything. I couldn't have been that bad, so why I was I treated like I was some unwanted pest that needed to be managed? Why couldn't anyone just sprocking explain things to me? Why couldn't you just explain to me why I couldn't cheerlead? Why couldn't I even speak my birth language? I-"
"Bart, I-"
"I know!" Bart sobbed. "I know why. Good people, bad decisions. I get it!. But why did it have to be me that it happened to?"
They were quiet as they sat together on the roof, Bart sniffling and managing his tears until they ceased and his eyes were left pink and puffy. As he wept, Max thought for a long time of what to say, and everything he came up with didn't sound like it would ever be enough. He gently squeezed Bart's shoulder. "I wish I could have done it all differently," he finally put out between them. "I'm sorry that I was a stubborn old fool who thought he knew the world better than anyone else. I'm sorry none of us understood what we were doing, or what you really needed. But," he paused to take a slow breath before continuing. "I want to understand what you need now."
Bart wasn't sure if that was all he needed to hear as he snapped his goggles back on. The gray of the world suddenly was bathed in the color of sunshine and he sighed. "I dunno what I need Max. I guess I just needed to get that out."
"It's okay to not know what you need," Max explained and it brought a little smile out of Bart.
"I do remember you telling me something similar to that a long time ago."
"Well, I wasn't entirely without wisdom," Max replied with a little smile. "But I am serious, whenever you find out what you need, let me know."
"Thanks Max," said Bart, feeling better. "Now I just gotta talk to Wally and I hope we can talk about this without both of us trying to kill each other!"
"Do you want me there to make sure that doesn't happen?" offered Max, and Bart considered it for a moment before quickly shaking his head.
"No. I don't want to corner him. This is about me and him and whatever the sprock he meant."
Max touched his shoulder again. "I know he loves you."
A swift salty ocean breeze kicked up around them, ruffling Bart's auburn hair and he nodded. "I know. I love him too, so much it hurts, y'know? They always say love hurts, and sprock do they mean it."
Bart wasn't sure how to even approach the subject with Wally; he couldn't even imagine what the future impact would be either. It was also difficult to get him completely alone without Irey becoming curious where he was off to, and telling her to be still worked as well as it did for him. Bart adored that about her and he secretly hoped it frustrated Wally more than he ever showed.
Bart just hoped Wally was kinder to her when no one was looking than he was to him.
Oh, he hated he thought that at all - and Bart brushed the intrusive thought away. There was no way Wally was ever short of patience with Irey or Jai. If he was, Bart doubted Linda would tolerate it.
Besides, straight from Wally's mouth… they were family.
Irey was excited to show Bart the ponies she had drawn of her father and mother and he smiled at how she managed to capture the pure essence of both in glitter crayons. "Do you want to be next?!" she bubbled then.
Bart really wanted to be a pony. "Heck yeah!"
"Cool! I want to do everyone in the family eventually!" she chirruped excitedly then bombarded him with the same questions she asked Wally until she knew exactly what Impulse-Pony would look like.
Wally laughed when she rocketed off to her room to get started on her new creation. "She's been doing this to just about everyone she knows!"
Bart began feeling doubts about everything then, clearly Irey saw him as family, Wally did too.
"So, what did you need?" Wally asked. "You look like we need to talk… privately," he whispered just knowing that Irey might follow if she knew they were having secret discussions.
Bart decided to just take the jump into the deep end of the pool again. "Yeah, yeah. Let's go," he said then flickered into his speed, Wally following a nanosecond later. Bart knew they didn't have to go very far, but he stalled as he kept running thinking of how to talk about this.
"Bart?" Wally called to him. "We're just running around, where do you want to talk?!" That prompted Bart to finally stop, revealing an unremarkable maple forest somewhere on the North American continent. "Whew, now. What's going on?" Wally asked.
Bart found himself stalling again.
Wally smiled a little. "You want to ask Kon to marry to you, and you need advice."
"Huh?" Bart blinked.
"You've been with him for years. Everyone in the family is wondering when you're gonna get married."
"The family, huh?" Bart breathed and suddenly he felt shaky.
Wally was oblivious to Bart's sudden trembling as he continued to talk. "Yeah, we always talk about you and him, y'know? You guys are clearly in love, and have been for ages. It'd be nice to officially have him part of the family."
Part of the family…
"Bart? Are you okay?" Wally suddenly asked. "Hey, if I got it all wrong, I'm sorry!"
That snapped Bart back into the present as his trembling eased. "Wally, I always have been part of the family, right?" he finally pushed out. The question made Wally go still and Bart could tell he rose his eyebrows even under the red cowl of his suit.
Wally cracked a confused grin. "Of course! Why wouldn't you be family?" he said then his smile dropped. "Did someone say something?"
"Yeah," breathed Bart. "You did."
"What? When?" Wally puzzled in bewilderment.
Bart had no choice but to keep going forward, like water over a cliff. "Last night. Before I left you said that you tolerated Irey's… impulses… because she was family. Then I spent the whole damn night wondering why couldn't I get that patience when I was younger!"
The white lenses obscuring Wally's eyes widened. "Oh, shit! I said that? I did say that… Bart, I didn't mean it like that!"
"I know!" Bart snapped. "I sort of blew it all out of proportion, but like, not all of it is wrong. You do tolerate the things she does that I would have never gotten away with without you screaming at me!"
"Of course, I'm not going to scream at my daughter!" Wally explained then he rubbed his temples with both hands. "Look, Bart. I'm sorry I wasn't patient enough with you when we were younger. But having kids does change you!"
Bart felt like the whole conversation was going somewhere he never intended it to, and he suddenly wanted to it to end. "I know, forget about it," he mumbled halfheartedly.
Wally saw through him and didn't drop it. "I fucked up with you. I'm sorry. I don't think you understand how terrified I am of fucking up again with my kids."
Bart shook his head, thinking the very idea absurd. "You would never do wrong by them! You're one of the best dads out there."
The compliment drew a brief smile from Wally. "I'm glad you think that after every way I messed up with you, but it's true. Every day I'm scared I'm going to fuck up - I'm going to say the wrong thing, ignore them, hurt them, that I'll become… I'll become my father, or someone like him."
"You won't. You can't," Bart insisted.
Wally shook his head in shame. "I almost did with you. It wasn't the same as me with my dad, but I still was so scared of you back then I just… I have no excuse."
"You were scared of me?" Bart quaked.
Wally nodded. "You reminded me of me, and I was desperately trying to honor your grandfather's legacy. It was like looking at a mirror back then with you, and I knew I would never be what you needed me to be. Someone like Barry."
"That explains a lot of it, but it-"
"Doesn't excuse it." They said in unison. They both paused looking at each other in silent understanding of the collateral pain they both were victims of.
Wally was first to break their silence. "I know I can't undo what I did, Bart. I also can't blame it all on my dad or my insecurities, but trust me - I am sorry for what I did. I think we all are."
"We?" Bart asked.
"Everyone from back then. Jay, Max, Jesse, all of us."
"Grandma Iris too?" Bart probed.
"Even Iris," Wally confirmed softly, knowingly. "We all have our regrets."
Bart knew he couldn't get an apology from Wally for every single instance that left him hurt, but knowing was regretful was enough. Knowing that everyone could at least admit they failed him in hurtful ways that would never heal right was enough for now, and he felt so much more seen and appreciated than he had in a long time. "Thanks, Wally."
Wally touched his shoulder, and it turned into a hug as they embraced very tight. When they parted, they each noticed they were almost the same height, but today it meant something new.
"So," Wally breathed. "You're really not going to ask me for advice about how to propose to Kon?"
Bart shoved him playfully. "No. But I do think I want to borrow that Marriage for Dummies book if you still have it. It seems to have worked wonders for you."
Wally's mouth dropped open just as Bart vanished under glittering yellow embers.
Then he chased him, sending the first fallen leaves scattering.