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On the way down (I saw you); And you saved me from myself
“You’re brooding,” Por says as he sits down next to his partner on the floor of their training room.
The coolness of the surface immediately soothes the straining muscles of his thighs and though Por just wants to let out a sigh of relief, he can’t. Not when Tee is looking like this. Not when Tee is quiet.
He’s fidgeting too, and if that isn’t a clear enough sign, the younger is also avoiding to meet his eyes. Tee never does that – he might look away first, but he didn’t avoid meeting his gaze.
Only if something is up.
Por gives a quiet hum and reaches for the other, pulling Tee’s hand into his hand and tangling their fingers.
“Tee,” he lets out, careful, soft, “Talk to me?”
They always talk to each other – one of the three first promises they had ever made to each other after becoming partners. Be honest, be genuine and always communicate.
But here he is – with a quiet Tee by his side, at a little after 1 AM. Only the two of them, breath a little short, face slightly flushed from their exercises. Dance practice that had not been scheduled, but to which Por hadn’t said no when Tee asked him to join him at this ungodly hour.
Por actually never says no to Tee, but that is something he will keep to himself.
“Is this about your trip home?” Por tries, giving a first opening. Tee had come back from his stay in Chiang Mai that afternoon. And except for a short LINE message after landing, Por hadn’t heard from his partner all day. Until shortly before midnight. Needless to say that the worry had settled in Por’s stomach like lead.
Tee isn’t like that.
“Maybe,” Tee lets out then, and Por can tell from his voice already that the younger is fighting to speak at all.
He doesn’t like this. Por doesn’t like this at all. Not when his puppy is unhappy, clearly worried about something, an inner battle going on in his mind.
So Por does the first thing that comes to his mind. He stands up, pulling Tee up with him.
“Come with me for a moment,” he says, eyes determined, clearly not accepting a no. Tee blinks, nearly stumbling over his own two feet as they start walking, but he manages to catch himself before they’d both end up tumbling back to the floor.
“Pi’por we have to change—”
“It’s fine like this,” Por said, looking ahead as he leads the way out of the dancing studio, and to the elevator that would take them down to the underground parking lots.
“Pip, what—” The doors of the elevator close, and a heartbeat later he is being crowded against one of the mirror walls, Por looking up at him with an intense gaze.
“Pip?” he manages to let out, and Por really just wants to kiss him and take all these evil thoughts away.
He knows though that a kiss is not what Tee needs now. Having his on-screen partner finally ending their perpetual situationship with a sudden kiss is also not what he needs.
What Tee needs is confidence. Inner peace.
So Por brings his hands up to cradle Tee’s face between gentle fingers and just looks at him for a while. Hopes that his gaze is enough to let the other know he is not planning anything weird. That he is trying to help.
“Just, come with me for a while, okay? I’ll drop you off at home after. Just… please?”
Por shouldn’t be the one pleading, but he doesn’t know how else to make Tee agree. How to make the other stop pulling away.
His thumb glides over a high cheekbone and he pulls his lips into a small, encouraging smile. “You wanted me here with you, didn’t you?”
Otherwise, Tee wouldn’t have texted. He’d suffer in silence. Dance and exercise till his brain shuts down.
(They had been there too, and Por never ever wants to repeat that. When Por fell into one of his own dark holes, he at least just hides in his bed and refuses to see anyone, quietly repeating all of his flaws in his head until all he wants was to disappear.)
His eyes follow Tee’s Adam’s apple as the younger swallows, and then finally nods.
Good. Yes. They are getting somewhere.
Without thinking, he leans up and presses a sniff kiss against Tee’s temple. A quiet thanks, and sign of ‘you’re safe with me’ and ‘I’ve got this. I’ve got you’.
Por loves the way Tee’s ears always go instantly red when he gets close to him, but today he decides to leave it uncommented.
There’s the ding of the elevator and Por is pulling Tee out before the doors have even opened fully. His car is parked close by and he motions for the other to take a seat.
Tee silently follows the instruction and buckles up in the passenger seat.
“Where are we going?” he asks when Por starts the car, and hearing the other’s voice with the tiniest tint of curiosity has Por’s heart soaring already.
He finishes going in Reverse, and changes to Drive before looking over at the other with a teasing smile on his face now.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Pip—” Tee whines and Por has to bite his lower lip to stop himself from grinning.
“If you’d talk to me, I wouldn’t have to tease you, puppy,” he says and gets them out of the parking lot now.
Bangkok is a city that never sleeps, and the lights are even more blinding during the night to Por. The light pollution isn’t going to make this easy, he muses, but he has a place in mind.
For now, this little drive would give Tee some time. If he is right – and Por usually is if the topic is Tee – the younger will open up to him soon.
He won’t push. Won’t prod. Por wants Tee to speak when he is ready, when he has found the right words to voice whatever is going on in his head.
Por takes them south, then west along Route 35. They are nearly at the outskirts of the city when Tee finally inhales deeply, fingers in his lap back to fidgeting after lying motionless for most of the drive.
Por steels himself. Stays quiet. Lets Tee come to him in the metaphorical sense.
“It’s nothing,” he starts and Por nearly slams the brakes at that. Tee must have realised the way he had twitched at that, because he immediately brings up his hands to wave in surrender, “I mean… what I mean is…”
Por relaxes a little and keeps his eyes on the road.
“Take your time,” he offers, “We’re still driving for a while.”
From the periphery of his vision, he can see Tee nod. The younger’s shoulders slump and he seems to mull over the words to use. The words that can explain the mess that sometimes goes on in his mind – and Por knows this struggle well.
They share this trait too – the overthinking. The doubts. The mental struggle they sometimes face on a daily basis.
So again, he lets Tee set the pace. Lets him take the time he needs.
Bangkok falls away behind them, and finally Por thinks they are coming closer to where he wants to go. He doesn’t really know exactly where he is going, but he leaves Route 35 to 375 that leads them into Samut Sakhon district. The lights of the city are finally not strong enough anymore to reach them and Por keeps his eyes open for a good spot to stop.
He leaves the main road, and soon enough the bigger vegetation falls away. They seem to be in an area used for vegetable plantations, and Por is glad that he sees no one around at this hour. There are little lakes dotted between the plantations, probably to be used for watering.
They pass a sign that points to a fishing lake too. Por takes the next left and he hears the gravel beneath the tires as he enters a narrow road with one such lake flanking it.
Maybe around here…
“It is nothing,” Tee suddenly begins again, “because nothing specific happened, Pi’por. I mean… I just…”
Por kills the engine and turns in his seat to properly look at the younger. And what he finds unsettles him – has his internal alarm bells ringing, because – fuck – Tee is shaking. Tee is fucking shaking and Por doesn’t know what to do with this, he doesn’t know what to say or do and—he feels his stomach drop at the sight and all he can do is reach out and take Tee’s hand back into his own.
“Hey,” he says, his own voice shaky now, “Tee. Look at me. Look at me, okay?” he whispers into the small space between them.
Tee looks at him.
And Por hates what he sees there.
Good gods, the doubt. The fear. The feeling of never being enough. It’s all clearly written in those brown orbs that usually hold so much warmth. So much strength.
That look at him with affection and promise and sunshine.
“I’m here, okay? I’m listening. You will be okay.”
He squeezes the younger’s hand that is nestled between his own and lets his thumb draw lazy circles over the knuckles.
Tee trembles, but he eventually finds enough strength to go on.
“Mum is so proud of me,” he whispers, “of us. She always mentions Pip too,” he quickly adds and Por lets out a small chuckle.
“I’m her bias,” he teases with another squeeze of his hands, “of course she talks about me.”
Tee simply nods. There’s no fight in him.
“She’s so proud of me and happy… what if…” Tee drops his head, seemingly unable to continue looking at him, “what if one day all I do is disappoint her?”
Por goes rigid. His whole body tenses up, every muscle locked as the words tumble out of Tee’s mouth.
His own mouth opens, ready to refute every ounce of doubt, but for Tee it’s like a dam has been opened.
“What if I can’t portray Jai well? What if I just don’t have it in me to act as someone like him? What if I look like an idiot and what if the fans hate it? They already hate him. I mean, I hate him too. Though I know… I know Jai is not like that, I know he loves Pik, I know but what if I can’t--,” he breaks off, his voice breaking on the last syllable.
“What if I ruin it? What if I ruin it for you? Us. For my mum. For the fans, for DMD for—”
“Stop.”
Por has had enough.
His own heart is pounding relentlessly against his ribcage, the drumming revibrating through his whole body. Por could hear the blood rush in his ears as he watches Tee crumble and Por unbuckles his seatbelt faster than ever.
He nearly rips the car door out of its hinges as he pushes it open, stumbling out into the cool night.
He rounds his car with fast steps, opening the passenger door and diving in.
Por’s arms come around Tee’s neck and he pulls him against his chest with a firm tug.
“You’re amazing,” he starts whispering against the other’s ear, “You’re amazing and you’ve grown so much already, and you’re gonna be the best Jai Sanit can ever have,” Por continues and nuzzles his nose against Tee’s pulse point at his jaw.
Tee relaxes a little in his hold, but Por knows they are not there yet. So, he tries what Tee would do. He tries to be funny.
“After he grovelled for ten episodes, that is.”
First, Tee goes still. His body going tense again and Por nearly thinks that he has messed that up. That it is really only Tee’s forte and not his.
But then Tee goes lax in his arms, and slowly lifts his head. There are tears clinging to his lashes, but there is the tiniest smile on his lips.
They are so close that Por can feel the breath that leaves the younger when he mock-scoffs.
“In your dreams. Jai is the actual green flag. You just love to rile up the fans…”
Before he can stop himself, Por ruffles Tee’s hair while a growl leaves his lips. “That sounds like it was taken from your dreams not mine, get your facts straight puppy!”
“Pip!!”
But Por doesn’t stop. He completely ruins Tee’s combed hair, and pokes his forehead too. There are still tears rolling down the other’s cheeks but Tee is smiling at him now, and Por’s heart is skipping a beat at the sight.
Better. Yes. Tee should be smiling.
Por leans in, and it’s only thanks to a single remaining brain cell that his kiss lands on Tee’s cheek and not on his lips.
Tee’s eyes find his own when he pulls back again and there is a mutual understanding in their gaze.
I know, they convey. Soon.
“Right. Tee,” Por blurts out when the realisation as to why they are even here comes rushing back to him. He has taken the drive out of the city with the other not just to get some distance between the busy public life of Bangkok and them, but because he wants to show him something.
He pulls back and straightens, careful not to bump his own head on the frame.
“Come out for a sec,” he asks and Tee follows suit. Por closes the car door once the younger had climbed out and turns, letting his back lean against the cool metal of the car.
He looks upwards.
“Look.”
Tee, with his body so close that their shoulders are touching, looks.
Above them, the vast night sky is dotted with a million little lights. Endless stars painted across the dark canvas and a thin crescent moon to accompany them. The very sight that had inspired them to name their fans - the sight that is the very real reminder of how far they have come.
They don’t speak. They just… watch. Take it in. Feel their hearts swell with warm thoughts of all the people they had somehow inspired, and who had somehow found their way into both Por’s and Tee’s own orbits.
And how, despite it all, they are nothing but little sparks in the vastness of this universe. It’s humbling and freeing at the same time to Por, to think about things like this. He hopes that it’s a similar feeling for Tee.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the stars like this.”
Por hums to that. It’s not easy to get a view like this in the heart of the city, where every surface, every window reflected colourful lights that blinded your vision from above.
“Is it easier in Chiang Mai?”
Tee tilts his head. Their hands find each other without them looking, and Tee’s fingers entwine with his own and squeeze.
“A little. Easier on the outskirts. Or when you’re uphill. Like at Wat Phra That Doi Kham temple.”
Por squeezes back.
“Sounds nice.”
“I’ll take you there, sometime.” And Por knows that Tee is smiling without turning his head. He can hear it in the way his voice sounds, his genuine warmth weaved in again.
“Deal,” he simply says because going for ‘it’s a date’ is cringe and something only Tee would say. Not him. Auau would probably have a field day if he ever says something like that.
“Tee?”
“Yeah?” comes the younger’s voice, closer now, but still a little vulnerable. Por knows Tee is looking at him, feels the weight of his gaze as if it has actual, physical weight. He keeps his head up, his eyes getting lost among the infinity of the starry sky above.
He ponders over what to say next, but for once in his life, he decides to just go with it. Tries to be a little more like Tee, to let his heart speak without overthinking every syllable leaving his mouth.
“You will be okay,” he starts softly, “You’re always doing your utmost best. And your best has never let you down before. I don’t think… I know your best is never going to disappoint anyone of us. Neither your mum, nor P’Aof, our VAVA, nor… me.”
Por turns to face Tee now.
“I’m gonna cheer you on, okay? You’re not alone.”
“Pip…”
“We chose to be partners,” Por continues and though that word makes the bile rise in his throat sometimes, right now it feels exactly right, “We’re a team, okay?”
Tee’s breath hitches at that, but the younger one nods then. “Yeah… I know… I’m super lucky to have someone like you, Pip—”
“I’m lucky too,” Por interrupts him and tugs him just a little closer, “it’s not just you. I’m very lucky too. I can also grow because of you. And I know…” he taps Tee’s temple with his index finger, “what’s going on here, too.”
Because they are the same. They are walking in the light, but sometimes the darkness just creeps up on them, and manages to catch them off guard.
Tee hums and before Por could say anything else, before he could make sure that his puppy is doing okay, he is being pulled into a warm, snug hug.
It’s perfect. But why does it feel like Por is suddenly the one being comforted now?
“Thank you,” Tee mumbles against his neck, and the warm breath fanning against his skin causes a shiver to run through his body. Por swallows and brings his own arms around the other’s frame now.
“No need,” Por whispers back and let his hand draw soothing circles on the taller’s back, “just talk to me. I’m here, okay? Whatever it is, whenever it is.”
Tee hums and goes still for a moment. He doesn’t move to end their embrace though, and Por is glad for that.
“Whatever it is?”
The words hang between them and the stars, and Por knows exactly what Tee means. He knows that Tee knows that he knows too.
“Yes.”
The way Tee squeezes him just a little tighter after this nearly undoes Por, but he holds himself together yet again. Then, reluctantly, Tee pulls away. His eyes are puffy and his cheeks are red, and Por can’t stop himself from brushing his fringe out of his eyes.
“You’re a big baby.” He says and Tee pouts, “Puppy.”
“You’re a big baby puppy,” Por amends and Tee starts laughing.
“Sounds weird,” he says, snickering and Por shoves him at that.
“I go along with you and you complain, next time I won’t give in so easily!”
“But Piiiip—”
“No!”
“Pip—!” the whine becomes unbearably cute and Por sighs.
“What?” he asks, arms crossed over his chest to make it clear he is not being won over so easily.
Tee looks at him, lips still pursed in the cutest pout.
“I’m hungry.”
Por blinks. Repeats that over in his head.
Then laughter bubbles out of him in a steam of constant, bubbly noise. He nearly doubles over from laughing, holding his stomach as his eyes disappear into little crescents mimicking the moon above them.
“T-teeTee,” he wheezes out, shoulder still shaking as he tries to stifle the chuckles, “are you for real right now?”
Tee grumbles and turns to face the field in front of them. He looks so absolutely, adorably cute that Por at least manages to stop his laughter in favour of looking at the younger.
Fuck his life.
When are they finally going to be kissing?
“What if I am?” Tee says and glances at him over his shoulder, arms now crossed as he sulks.
Por lets out an amused noise that is a mix between a snort and a chuckle before he nudges their shoulders together.
“I saw a KFC on the way here, I think two streets down.”
Tee is smiling now. His real smile. The one that amidst all the hard work, the furrowed brows and deep talks, is the reason why Por has lost his heart along the way.
“Come on, you big baby puppy. Late night breakdowns call for late night chicken wings.”
Tee snickers and while Por rounds his car to get back to the driver’s side he adds, “You’d prefer sushi though.”
Por gets in the car, and their gazes meet over the middle console again.
“Then you’ll know where to take me when it’s my time to succumb to late-night crying.”
Tee looks at him, serious now.
“Deal.”
But for tonight, they had stars and (chicken) wings.
(And always each other.)
Le fin.
I am on the way down; You know me better than I know myself; Take the darkness and heal me from it.
Shine a light.