Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Everyone thought Kimi was the problem, and, to be fair, it was not an unreasonable conclusion. 

Kimi had never possessed even the slightest instinct to hide how completely, hopelessly, embarrassingly in love with his boyfriend he was. 

If Ollie walked into a room, Kimi noticed. It didn’t matter who Kimi had been talking to or what he had been doing; his eyes would find Ollie automatically, his attention shifting towards him like a compass needle finding north. If Ollie stood beside him, Kimi leaned against him. If Ollie sat down, Kimi found some excuse to sit close enough that their thighs touched. If there was enough privacy and a large enough chair, Kimi simply sat on him. If Ollie got up and walked away without an explanation, Kimi's head usually appeared around the nearest doorway approximately thirty seconds later.

“Where are you going?” Kimi asked one afternoon when Ollie pushed himself up from the couch, immediately abandoning whatever he had been watching on his phone so he could track Ollie's movement across the apartment.

Ollie stopped halfway to the kitchen and glanced back at him. “I'm getting water, Kimi.” he explained, gesturing towards the kitchen.

“Oh,” Kimi murmured, relieved that Ollie was not secretly fleeing the country as he dropped his attention back to his phone.

Ollie stared at him for another second before raising an eyebrow. “Do I have permission?” he asked, becoming increasingly entertained by the exchange.

“Yes.” Kimi answered very seriously without hesitation.

“Thank you,” Ollie shook his head as he continued into the kitchen, although the smile he was trying to suppress ruined any suggestion that he was actually annoyed.

Kimi waited ten seconds before getting up and following him anyway.

That was how most things went, and nobody had to ask which one was the clingy boyfriend.

Kimi was the one who stole Ollie's hoodies and then complained when Ollie asked for them back. He was the one who sent ‘where are you???’ texts when Ollie disappeared during an event, only for Ollie to respond that he was literally on the other side of the room. He was the one who curled himself against Ollie's chest whenever they watched television and gradually migrated farther onto him until Ollie was supporting most of his body weight.

Kimi was also physically incapable of walking past his boyfriend without touching him somehow. Sometimes it was barely anything, only fingertips brushing over Ollie's back or a hand squeezing his arm as Kimi moved by. Sometimes Kimi's knuckles grazed Ollie's hip when he passed behind him, or his palm rested briefly against Ollie's stomach or chest for no reason except that Ollie had been within reach. Other times, Kimi simply walked directly into Ollie's chest and expected to be accommodated.

Ollie always accommodated him.

That was the part everyone overlooked.

At six foot something and built perfectly for wrapping himself around another person, Ollie had decided very early on in their relationship that his boyfriend belonged inside his arms whenever physically possible. If Kimi approached him, Ollie would open an arm without even looking, letting him tuck himself against his side as naturally as breathing. His palm inevitably settled over Kimi's waist, and if nobody was around to care, his fingers would slip beneath the hem of Kimi's shirt just enough to rest against warm skin. If Kimi stood in front of him for too long, Ollie would lean down and hook his chin over his shoulder and wrap both arms around his middle from behind. If Kimi was tired, Ollie pulled him against his chest and let him stay there until he was practically asleep.

Nobody called that clingy… 

They called it Ollie being sweet.

Kimi demanded affection, and Ollie gave it to him so willingly that everyone had decided only one half of that equation was evidence of codependency. Kimi was the needy boyfriend. Ollie was simply the exceptionally patient one who happened to adore him.

The most important part was that Ollie believed this too. He genuinely thought he was the normal one.

—

“You do realize he has been gone for seven minutes, right?” Isack asked Kimi during dinner one evening when Kimi looked towards the restaurant entrance for what had to be the fifth time since Ollie had disappeared.

“He said he was going to the bathroom.” Kimi replied, uncomfortably changing positions in his chair as his gaze remained fixed on the doorway.

“He probably fell into the toilet.” Gabi suggested from across the table, earning a few laughs from everyone except Kimi.

“That is not funny.” Kimi complained, his frown deepening as he finally looked away from the entrance long enough to glare at them.

“See? This is what I am talking about. You cannot survive without him.” Isack declared.

“I can survive without Ollie.” he protested, even as his eyes betrayed him by flicking towards the entrance again.

The door opened a second later, and Ollie walked through it.

Kimi visibly relaxed and the entire table erupted.

“Oh, fuck off.” Kimi muttered, sinking lower in his chair as Ollie approached, but whatever annoyance he was attempting to project disappeared when one of Ollie's large hands settled affectionately against the back of his neck and Ollie bent to press a kiss into his curls.

“What did I miss?” Ollie asked as he slid back into the chair beside Kimi, his hand lingering at the nape of Kimi's neck for a moment before dropping.

“We've determined your boyfriend would perish if you ever left him unattended for more than ten minutes.” Arvid explained, and Kimi immediately turned towards Ollie with an offended look that demanded his boyfriend defend his honor.

“Probably.” Ollie agreed instead, laughing as he curled one arm around Kimi's shoulders and tugged him close against his side.

“Oliver!” Kimi whined, twisting around enough to stare up at him in betrayal.

“What?” Ollie asked innocently, leaning down to kiss the side of Kimi's head when he attempted to squirm away. “It's cute.”

“I hate you.” Kimi informed him, but then Ollie's arm tightened around him and Kimi immediately surrendered, settling comfortably against his side.

“No, you don’t.” Ollie squeezed him once before turning his attention back to the conversation.

Nobody noticed that Ollie kept his arm around Kimi for the rest of dinner. Nobody noticed that when Kimi stood up to go to the bathroom twenty minutes later, Ollie's eyes followed him all the way across the restaurant. And nobody noticed how many times Ollie glanced at his phone after Kimi had been gone for five minutes.

Because Ollie was the normal one.

Obviously…

—

The first real challenge to that assumption began on a Tuesday morning, when Kimi had to leave for seven days.

That was all. Just a week.

Ollie had known about Kimi’s trip back home to Italy for weeks, and for weeks he had listened to increasingly dramatic complaints about what Kimi considered an unacceptable amount of time for two people in a committed relationship to spend apart.

“You understand that it’s only a week?” Ollie whispered against Kimi's hair that morning, his arms wrapped securely around the smaller boy currently clinging to him in bed like someone was preparing to physically drag him away.

“That is seven times I have to sleep without you.” Kimi complained, tightening both arms around Ollie's middle.

Ollie glanced at the clock on the nightstand and then ignored it. They had twenty three minutes before Kimi genuinely needed to get up, which meant Ollie was perfectly happy to indulge him for at least another fifteen.

“You've slept alone before.” Ollie reminded him, rubbing one palm slowly up and down Kimi's bare back beneath his shirt.

“I do not like it.” Kimi’s voice was muffled because he had buried his face against Ollie's chest.

“I know.” Ollie said softly, continuing the soothing movement of his hand.

“You are warm.” Kimi added after a moment, assembling a formal argument for why the trip should be canceled.

“I know.” Ollie repeated.

“And you hold me.” Kimi continued, tipping his head back enough to look at him.

Ollie’s lips curved into a tiny smile as he studied the pillow crease still faintly visible across Kimi's cheek. “I'm aware of my job description.” he assured him, letting his thumb trace an absent path over Kimi's spine.

“What if I forget how to sleep without you?” Kimi asked, and his brown eyes narrowed with real consideration of this serious possibility.

“Then I suppose you'll simply stay awake for one hundred and sixty eight hours.” Ollie maintained a straight face for all of three seconds before Kimi's horrified stare broke him.

“Kimi, I'm kidding.” Ollie added through his laughter, leaning down to kiss the offended little crease forming between Kimi's eyebrows.

“That was not funny.” Kimi did nothing to stop Ollie from pressing another kiss to his cheek and then one to his forehead.

“It was a little funny.” Ollie argued, smiling when Kimi continued to look unimpressed. “We'll FaceTime before bed. You can call me whenever you want. You can text me four hundred times a day like you already do, and before you know it, you'll be right back here stealing my side of the bed.”

“I do not steal your side!”

“I woke up with your face on my pillow yesterday.”

“Because you moved.”

“I moved because you were lying diagonally.” Ollie corrected, but Kimi decided it was irrelevant and tucked his face back beneath Ollie's chin.

That was the problem with Kimi. Ollie could make fun of him all he wanted, but the second Kimi curled against him like that, every instinct Ollie possessed demanded that he keep him there. His palm spread across Kimi's back, pulling him closer.

“I'm going to miss you too.” Ollie admitted quietly, his lips brushing against the top of Kimi's curls as he spoke.

Kimi lifted his head so quickly that Ollie nearly laughed again. “Davvero? (Really?) How much?”

“Don't start.” Ollie warned affectionately, recognizing the direction this conversation was headed.

“How much are you going to miss me?” Kimi repeated, propping his chin against Ollie's chest as he waited expectantly.

“A normal amount,” Ollie attempted to sound completely reasonable.

“What is a normal amount?” Kimi asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.

“Enough.” Ollie bit back a smile.

“More than I will miss you?” Kimi pressed, unwilling to abandon the subject until he had received a satisfactory answer.

“This isn't a competition.” Ollie reminded him, and Kimi's mouth immediately curved.

“That means no.” Kimi announced triumphantly.

Ollie rolled them suddenly, and Kimi let out a startled noise as he found himself pinned beneath Ollie's larger body, his back sinking into the mattress while Ollie braced his weight carefully above him.

“That means you're impossible.” Ollie lowered his face until their noses were almost touching. Ollie kissed him, and Kimi’s arms wrapped around Ollie's neck, pulling him closer.

Twenty three minutes became fifteen, then ten, and eventually Ollie had to physically extract his boyfriend from the bed before Kimi genuinely did miss his flight.

Leaving the apartment somehow took another fifteen minutes.

Kimi checked his bag twice. Ollie checked it a third time because he knew Kimi well enough not to trust the first two checks and promptly discovered the charger Kimi had forgotten on the nightstand. Kimi put on his Adidas sneakers, adjusted his bag, made it all the way to the front door, and then turned around for another kiss.

Somehow, another kiss became both arms around Ollie's waist again.

“You're going to miss your flight…” Ollie murmured into his hair, his arms still wrapped around him despite being the one insisting he needed to leave.

“I know.” Kimi said, making no attempt to move as his fingers tightened in the fabric at the back of Ollie's shirt.

“You have to let go.” Ollie ran his hand over the back of Kimi's head and down to his neck.

“I know.” Kimi still clung to him, but his voice cracked on the second word.

Ollie felt it more than heard it. His hand stopped at the back of Kimi's neck, and he waited for Kimi to say something else, but Kimi only pushed his face farther into his chest.

Ollie frowned. “Kimi, let me see you.” he said, bringing both hands down to Kimi's upper arms.

Kimi didn't move, so Ollie gently pulled him away from his chest. Kimi's hands slipped from the back of Ollie's shirt as Ollie put enough space between them to get a proper look at him.

His bottom lip was quivering and there were already tears pooled along his lower lashes, enough that Ollie knew the next blink would send them over. Kimi immediately looked down when he realized Ollie had seen them, pressing his lips together and trying to get them under control before they could fall.

“Hey,” Ollie breathed, dropping down onto one knee in front of Kimi so he no longer had anywhere to hide.

Kimi turned his face away, embarrassed at being caught.

“Come here, baby.” Ollie coaxed, reaching for both of Kimi's hands and Kimi gave them to him willingly. He took them between his own, Kimi’s smaller hands nearly disappearing inside his palms, and rested them against his raised knee. “What's wrong, hm?” He rubbed his thumbs back and forth over Kimi's knuckles while he tried to catch his eye.

Kimi just shook his head.

“No?” Ollie asked, leaning a little to the side when Kimi looked the other way. “You're just standing here with that little lip going and those big watery eyes for fun?”

That earned him the smallest glare.

“Don’t.” Kimi muttered, looking down at him through wet lashes.

Ollie smirked. “Don't what, baby?” he squeezed Kimi's hands when his lip trembled again.

“Talk to me like that. You are making fun of me.” Kimi complained, sniffling halfway through the sentence.

“I'm not making fun of you, sweetheart.” Ollie rubbed one thumb over the back of Kimi's hand. “I'm just talking to my poor baby who has to survive one whole week without me.”

Well, that did it.

Kimi's face pinched as Ollie mentioned how long they would spend apart. The first tear spilled over.

Ollie let go of his hands. “Oh, come here.” he reached up to cup Kimi's face.

His palms covered most of Kimi's cheeks. He caught the tear with his thumb before it reached Kimi's jaw, then wiped beneath his other eye when another one followed. Kimi closed his eyes and leaned into his hands.

“None of that,” Ollie said, brushing his thumbs beneath Kimi's eyes again. “You're going to make me keep you here, and then what am I supposed to tell your family? Sorry, Kimi can't come. I know he hasn't seen you guys in months but your future son in law said no?”

A tiny noise escaped Kimi that was a sniff and a laugh at the same time.

Ollie smiled. “There we go,” he said, wiping another tear from the corner of Kimi's eye. “That's better.”

“It is not funny.” Kimi told him, but his mouth was already fighting a smile.

“No, you're right. Very serious situation,” Ollie nodded. “One week. Possibly the longest separation any couple has ever survived.”

Kimi finally laughed for real this time, quiet and watery, and reached up to wrap both hands around Ollie's wrists. His fingers didn't meet around them, due to Ollie's size, but he held on anyway while Ollie's palms stayed against his cheeks.

“Basta. (Stop.)” Kimi ducked his head but Ollie's hands followed him.

“I haven't done anything,” Ollie looked far too pleased with himself now that Kimi was laughing.

“You are making fun of me!” Kimi narrowed his eyes at him, but the corners of his mouth betrayed him as they went upward. He gave Ollie's wrists a small, warning squeeze, trying to convince him to behave.

“Never.” Ollie said, and when Kimi gave him an unimpressed look, he used both hands to gently squish his cheeks together.

Kimi's lips puckered, and Ollie lost it. He laughed, and Kimi stared down at him with his face still trapped between Ollie's palms.

Kimi tightened his fingers around Ollie's wrists and tried unsuccessfully to pull his hands away. “Stop doing that.”

“Can't understand you.” Ollie teased, gently squeezing his cheeks again. “You'll have to speak up.”

“Oliver…” Kimi complained, the name distorted by his squished cheeks.

“Sorry,” Ollie was very clearly not sorry. He released the pressure but kept his hands where they were. “You're cute when you're mad at me.”

“I am crying because I have to leave you and you think I am cute.” Kimi stared at him in watery disbelief.

“For the record, I think you're cute all the time,” Ollie used his thumb to wipe away the wet line beneath Kimi's eye. “The crying isn't required.”

Kimi's laugh came out again before he could stop it. He lowered his head, still holding Ollie's wrists.

The smile didn't last long.

“I miss them,” Kimi admitted, “My mamma and papà. My sister. I know I have been complaining and saying I want to see them, but…” He looked back up at Ollie, his expression crumpling all over again. “I really do not want to leave you.”

“I know,” Ollie said, and the teasing left his face. He turned one of his hands enough to press a kiss against the inside of Kimi's wrist before settling his palm back against his cheek. “I don't particularly want you to go and leave me either.”

Kimi watched him for a second. “Then tell me to stay.” he said, and there was just enough hope in it that Ollie's chest hurt.

Ollie tilted his head, something pained passing over his face. He kept looking up at Kimi for another second before his hand slipped from Kimi’s cheek to his waist. His fingers spread against his side, and he gave a small tug, drawing Kimi closer.

Kimi went easily, his hands settling on Ollie’s shoulders when Ollie pulled him in again. This time, Ollie guided him down until Kimi was sitting sideways across his raised knee. One of Ollie’s arms stayed wrapped around his waist to keep him there while his other hand came back up to Kimi’s face.

“You know I can't do that,” Ollie said, rubbing his thumb along Kimi's cheekbone. “You have to go.”

Kimi frowned, wrapping his arms around Ollie's shoulders for balance.

“You’ve been homesick for weeks,” Ollie reminded him gently. “Ever since you moved all your things into my apartment and Monaco actually became home instead of somewhere you were staying between races.” His thumb brushed beneath Kimi’s eye again, catching the last bit of dampness there. “You left your mom and dad and your little sister back in Italy, and I know you miss them. You should go home and see them.”

“But you are my home too...” Kimi mumbled, thoroughly unimpressed by Ollie’s perfectly reasonable argument.

Ollie’s expression softened. “I know I am,” he said, leaning forward until their foreheads touched. “And that's exactly why it's okay for you to go.”

Kimi’s frown deepened. That made absolutely no sense to him.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ollie explained, reaching up to unwrap Kimi’s arms from around his shoulders. He caught both of Kimi’s hands as they came down and held them between them. “You don’t have to choose between missing your family and missing me. You can go spend a few days with them, let your dad fuss over you, annoy your sister, eat all the pasta your mom puts in front of you, and then you come back here.”

“To you.” Kimi corrected, his fingers threading through Ollie’s.

“To me,” Ollie agreed, squeezing his hands. “You’ll call me too much, I’ll call you too much, and before either of us has enough time to become properly miserable, you’ll be back in Monaco stealing my clothes and leaving your things all over our apartment again.”

A tiny smile tugged at Kimi’s mouth.

“And going away for a few days doesn’t make this any less your home,” Ollie continued, brushing his thumb across Kimi’s knuckles. “It’ll still be here when you get back. I’ll still be here when you get back. You’re allowed to have both, Kimi. Them and me.”

Kimi was quiet for a moment, staring down at their joined hands before his eyes lifted to Ollie’s again. “I would still rather put all of you in the same house.”

Ollie let out a soft laugh. “Yeah, I gathered that.”

“It would solve the problem.” Kimi insisted, his usual stubbornness returning now that the tears had stopped.

“It would create about fifteen new ones,” Ollie told him. “Your parents have their own home, their own lives, your dad has his motorsport teams to run, and your sister has school and friends in Italy. You can't just relocate the entire Antonelli family to Monaco because you don't like missing people.”

“I could ask.” Kimi argued, already considering exactly how to present the proposal.

“You absolutely could not,” Ollie said, laughing when Kimi gave him an offended look. “And even if they somehow agreed, your mom would take one look at the way we live and decide neither of us is capable of surviving without supervision.”

“She already thinks that.” Kimi pointed out.

“I love your family,” Ollie assured him, reaching up to push one of Kimi’s curls away from his forehead. “Which is why I would quite like to continue loving them from a reasonable distance. And besides,” Ollie added, letting his hand settle against the side of Kimi’s neck, “I like this. You and me here. Our apartment. Our life. And I like that you still have somewhere in Italy that feels like home too. You don't need to cram everyone you love under one roof to keep them close.”

Kimi leaned forward until his forehead rested against Ollie’s shoulder. “It would be easier.”

“Maybe,” Ollie murmured, “But missing somebody sometimes isn’t a bad thing. It just means you've got people worth going back to.”

“Look,” Ollie continued, cupping Kimi’s chin and guiding it towards him, “you go, you spend some time with your family, and then you come straight back to me. That’s it.”

“One week.” Kimi muttered the number quietly, his thumb dragging back and forth over Ollie’s knuckle.

“One week,” Ollie confirmed, turning Kimi’s hand over in his. “And we’ll call before you go to sleep.”

“Every night?” Kimi searched Ollie’s face, making sure there wasn’t going to be a catch.

“Every night.” Ollie gave his hand a firm squeeze.

“And in the morning?” Kimi shifted a little closer on Ollie’s knee.

Ollie raised his eyebrows. “Am I getting scheduled now?” He leaned back enough to get a proper look at Kimi’s very serious face.

“Yes.” Kimi gave him one decisive nod.

“Right. Morning phone call too, then.” Ollie nodded along with him, treating the negotiation with the gravity Kimi deserved.

“And you have to answer if I call.” Kimi curled both hands around Ollie’s, locking their fingers together.

“I always answer when you call.” Ollie freed one hand long enough to pinch Kimi's cheek.

“What if you are sleeping?” Kimi caught Ollie’s hand before he could lower it and brought it back between them.

“Then you wake me up,” Ollie folded his fingers around Kimi’s. “I don't care.”

Kimi stared at him for a few seconds. “You will not be annoyed?”

Ollie gave him a look. “When have I ever been annoyed because you wanted me?”

Kimi had nothing for that. He dropped his eyes and began tracing the side of Ollie’s thumb with one finger.

“Call me whenever you want, okay?” Ollie ducked his head until Kimi finally met his eyes. “I don’t care what time it is. If you miss me, call me. Even if it's stupid o'clock in the morning.”

Kimi nodded once and immediately looked back down at their hands.

“Use your words.” Ollie bumped one of their joined hands lightly against Kimi’s knee.

“Yes.” Kimi gave him a look from beneath his lashes.

“Yes, what?” Ollie lifted their hands between them, refusing to let him get away with the bare minimum.

“I will call you if I miss you.” Kimi drew the words out, his eyes narrowing more with each one.

Ollie broke into a laugh, and Kimi held onto his glare for another second before losing it too.

“There he is.” Ollie turned one of Kimi’s hands over and ran his thumb across the center of his palm.

“You are annoying.” Kimi shook his head, but he kept his hand right where it was.

“Yeah, but you’re not crying anymore.” Ollie tipped his head towards Kimi’s dry cheeks.

Kimi’s fingers curled around Ollie’s thumb.

Ollie watched him for another moment. “One week, baby. Then you’re back here bothering me.”

“I do not bother you.”

Ollie pushed himself up from the floor, and Kimi barely gave him enough room to stand before stepping straight into him.

Kimi wrapped both arms around Ollie’s middle and pressed his face into his chest. Ollie’s arms closed around him on instinct, one hand traveling up his back while the other settled over his curls.

They stayed like that until Ollie glanced over Kimi’s head at the time. Then he checked it again, hoping he had somehow read it wrong the first time.

“Okay. You actually have to go now.” Ollie ran his palm slowly down Kimi’s back and left it resting at his waist.

Kimi groaned into his shirt and tightened both arms around him.

“I know.” Ollie squeezed him once more before taking hold of his upper arms and drawing him back. “No more crying.”

“I cannot promise that.” Kimi tipped his face down, already looking guilty about a crime he hadn’t committed yet.

“Fine. No crying until I’m not here to see it.” Ollie brushed his thumb under one of Kimi’s eyes and then tapped the tip of his nose.

“That is worse.” Kimi released another unhappy sigh, but this time he stepped backwards on his own.

“I’m trying my best,” Ollie defended himself, lifting one shoulder.

Kimi let out a small laugh, and Ollie leaned in to kiss his forehead.

Ollie bent down and picked up Kimi’s bag, then held it out to him. Kimi took it and pulled the strap over his shoulder before turning towards the door.

He made it three steps. Then he looked back at Ollie.

Ollie knew exactly what he wanted.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Come here,” Ollie said, reaching for him before Kimi could open his mouth.

Kimi dropped the bag from his shoulder and went straight back into his arms. Ollie caught him around the waist, slid one hand behind his neck, and kissed him.

It wasn't the quick goodbye kiss either of them had probably intended. It lasted longer than either of them had planned. Kimi grabbed the front of Ollie's shirt and pulled him closer, and Ollie kept kissing him until Kimi slipped his tongue into Ollie's mouth. When Ollie met Kimi's tongue with his own, Kimi made a desperate, needy whimper that went straight through Ollie's chest. He couldn't help himself; he pulled Kimi back in, deepening the kiss, his hand sliding up to cradle the back of Kimi's head.

That sound had done something to him. Ollie shifted his hands, sliding them down Kimi's sides and beneath his thighs. "Jump," he said against Kimi's mouth, and Kimi did, pushing up without hesitation, wrapping his legs around Ollie's waist and locking his ankles. 

They kept kissing, Kimi's tongue finding Ollie's again, Ollie tasting the inside of Kimi's mouth. Ollie held him securely, one hand across Kimi's back, the other gripping his thigh, and they continued kissing passionately, like they could make up for the days ahead in this moment.

But the thought of Kimi's flight finally forced its way back into Ollie's head. He pulled away from the kiss to tuck his face into the curve of Kimi's neck, breathing him in. He pressed a series of soft kisses along the side of Kimi's neck, each one a small reassurance before reality pulled them apart.

"Okay," he mumbled, and pressed a kiss to Kimi's cheek. "Okay." Another kiss, one last one to his lips, lingering there for just a second longer than necessary before he slowly lowered him back down.

Kimi kept his eyes closed for another second before opening them. “You are worse than me.” He smiled wide up at the taller boy, looking much happier than he had minutes earlier.

“Absolutely not,” Ollie argued, ruffling Kimi’s hair before making himself take his hand away. He picked Kimi’s bag back up and maneuvered it onto his shoulder. “Go before I change my mind.” Ollie said, putting his palm against Kimi’s lower back and guiding him through the doorway.

Kimi stepped into the hallway, then turned around immediately.

Ollie stayed in the doorway with one hand braced against the frame so Kimi couldn't come back in.

Neither of them moved.

“Go.” Ollie said, pointing down the hall towards the elevator.

“I am going!” Kimi replied, still standing directly in front of him.

“You’re standing still…” Ollie pointed out, keeping his finger aimed towards the elevator.

“So are you.” Kimi shot back, finally starting to walk backwards.

Ollie shook his head, laughing quietly while Kimi turned and headed towards the elevator. “Text me when you’re in the car.” he called after the boy, folding his arms across his chest.

Kimi stopped with his finger halfway towards the button before he turned his head and looked back at Ollie.

Ollie realized what he had just done.

“I thought I was the codependent one?” Kimi asked, a grin spreading across his face.

Ollie pointed sharply at the elevator. “Get out of here before I come over there and carry you back inside.” he warned.

“You would like that.” Kimi rocked back slightly on his heels.

“Very much, actually, so stop testing me.” Ollie admitted, keeping his finger pointed at him.

Kimi laughed and finally pressed the button. The doors opened a few seconds later, and he stepped inside before turning around to face Ollie. His smile faded a little when the doors began to close.

“I love you.” Kimi brought his fingertips to his lips. He kissed them and blew the kiss across the hallway to Ollie.

Ollie caught it the way he always did, closing his fist around it before pressing his knuckles against his chest. “I love you more.” 

Kimi’s eyebrows pulled together immediately. “No, you do not.”

“I absolutely do.” Ollie argued, lifting his voice as the gap between them got smaller.

“I love you most.” Kimi said quickly.

“Kimi—”

The doors slid shut before Ollie could finish. He stood there staring at the closed elevator doors for a second before shaking his head. “Cheater.” he muttered, still smiling.

—

The apartment was wonderfully quiet for all of three minutes before Ollie’s phone buzzed. He smiled before he even opened the notification.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

in the car | 9:14 AM

Ollie leaned his hip against the counter as he typed back.

ollie bear🐻

Good boy. Have everything? | 9:14 AM

The little typing bubble appeared almost immediately.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

yes | 9:14 AM

i miss you | 9:15 AM

Ollie shook his head affectionately.

ollie bear🐻

You left four minutes ago. | 9:15 AM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

do you miss me | 9:16 AM

Ollie looked towards the front door, still half expecting Kimi to come walking back through it. The apartment suddenly seemed noticeably still. He frowned at himself before looking back down and typing.

ollie bear🐻

No❤️  | 9:16 AM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻 | 9:17 AM

Ollie laughed aloud in the empty room as he hearted the message.

A strange little ache tugged somewhere beneath his ribs, but he dismissed it as nothing more than the sudden quiet of the apartment feeling unfamiliar.

Everything was fine.

He cleaned the kitchen, took a shower, changed his clothes, answered a few messages and enjoyed the novelty of having an entire apartment to himself without someone trailing behind him asking where he was going every ten minutes.

—

The first sign that everything might not be entirely fine came at lunch.

Ollie ordered without really thinking about it, only half listening while the server repeated everything back to him.

“And two Cokes?” the server asked, pen hovering above the notepad.

Ollie blinked and looked across the table at the empty chair opposite him.

“One, sorry. Just one.” Ollie corrected, rubbing his thumb along the edge of the menu as the server nodded and walked away.

That was stupid of him. He stared at the empty chair for a few seconds longer than necessary before he took out his phone.

Kimi's location showed him at the airport.

He looked at the small dot for about ten seconds before locking his screen and placing the phone face down beside his plate. A minute later, he picked it back up.

Kimi had moved approximately thirty feet.

“Excellent.” Ollie mumbled under his breath, because apparently it was vital to know if his nineteen year old boyfriend had successfully navigated from one end of an airport terminal to another.

His phone buzzed.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

why are you looking at my location | 12:27 PM

Ollie froze. Of course Kimi had noticed.

ollie bear🐻

I'm not. | 12:27 PM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

liar | 12:28 PM

Ollie frowned at the screen before typing back.

ollie bear🐻

Why are YOU looking at whether I'm looking at yours? | 12:28 PM

There was a longer pause this time.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

because i miss you😕 | 12:30 PM

A huge smile graced Ollie's face so quickly it would have totally been embarrassing if anyone had been watching him.

ollie bear🐻

Get on your plane, stalker. | 12:30 PM

I love you. | 12:30 PM

Ollie set his phone down on the table and wiped his palms against the front of his pants. The room was loud enough that he could barely hear himself think, but a few seconds later he caught himself straining through the noise anyway, listening for the familiar buzz of his phone against the table.

Nothing came.

A restless little itch started beneath his skin. Ollie tried to ignore it for another few seconds before giving up and reaching for his phone again.

ollie bear🐻

Text me when you're about to take off. | 12:32 PM

And when you land. | 12:32 PM

Please. | 12:32 PM

He sent the messages before he could think about whether that technically gave Kimi another point in the imaginary competition Ollie continued insisting did not exist. He then realized how quickly he had folded.

Kimi Baby❤️

love you bear | 12:35 PM

—

Later that afternoon, Ollie discovered that Kimi had somehow inserted himself into every stupid, insignificant part of his routine.

He opened the refrigerator and automatically reached for the orange juice before remembering there was nobody there to drink it. He got a snack and realized too late that he had grabbed enough for two people. He dropped onto the couch afterward and stretched one arm along the back cushions, only to become increasingly uncomfortable without understanding why.

It took him several minutes to realize there was normally a short, curly haired Italian boy underneath that arm.

Ollie shifted to another position, but then that felt worse.

He reached for his phone, no new messages. He frowned.

Kimi had landed twenty minutes ago. Ollie knew that because, despite everything he had said earlier, he had watched the flight tracker.

Obsessively. 

He had already watched the little dot move through the airport, which should have been enough to tell him everything was fine, but twenty minutes without hearing from Kimi felt much longer than twenty minutes had any right to.

When Ollie’s phone finally buzzed, he answered so quickly that even he found it embarrassing.

Kimi Baby❤️

landed | 2:56 PM

ollie bear🐻

Everything okay? | 2:56 PM

His knee kept bouncing as he glanced down at the screen again. No typing bubble yet.

Ollie locked his phone, only to wake the screen again a few seconds later to make sure he hadn't somehow missed the text. He hadn't. His fingers resumed their impatient rhythm against his knee while he waited.

Kimi Baby❤️

sì, orso | 2:59 PM

A picture arrived immediately afterward. Kimi was sitting in the back of a car with his hood pulled over his curls, making an exaggeratedly miserable face at the camera.

Ollie saved it. Then, for no particular reason, he opened his camera roll. He stared at the unreasonable number of photographs of Kimi.

Kimi eating breakfast with one cheek puffed out because his mouth was full. Kimi asleep on Ollie's chest. Kimi wearing one of Ollie's hoodies with the sleeves pulled over his hands. Kimi brushing his teeth while glaring at Ollie through the bathroom mirror because he had not consented to being photographed. Kimi making pasta. Kimi asleep in the car. Kimi asleep on the couch. Kimi asleep with one hand still wrapped loosely around Ollie's wrist.

Ollie scrolled farther.

Apparently he had photographed Kimi sleeping on thirty four separate occasions in the previous two months.

“That’s normal.” Ollie informed the empty apartment, and well… the silence that followed did not feel particularly validating.

—

The next morning, Ollie woke and reached across the bed before he was properly conscious. His hand found cold sheets, and his eyebrows pulled together before his eyes had even opened.

“Kimi?” he sleepily swept his hand across the empty space beside him before raising his voice towards the rest of the apartment. “Come back to bed, baby.” he called, still half asleep and fully expecting to hear Kimi answer from the bathroom or shuffle back through the doorway.

The lack of response finally made him open his eyes. He stared at the empty side of the bed, his brain taking longer than it should have to catch up with reality, and then he remembered that Kimi was hundreds of miles away instead of somewhere else in the apartment.

Right.

For a while, he remained exactly where he was, one hand still resting on Kimi's side of the mattress.

He hated it. It simply felt wrong. The bed was too large, the room was too quiet, and there was no one stealing the blanket or shoving cold feet against his calves. Nobody's curls had somehow worked their way into his mouth during the night, and there was no warm body tucked into the space beneath his chin.

Ollie reached for his phone. It was 10:13 AM. Kimi would be awake by now.

ollie bear🐻

Morning baby. | 10:13 AM

Ollie let the phone rest loosely in his hand while he waited, blinking hard against the heaviness still pulling at his eyes, but the warmth of the bed was already dragging him back under. His eyelids slipped shut.

The next thing he knew, the phone vibrated in his hand. It startled him enough that the phone slipped from his fingers and landed beside him on the mattress. Ollie shot upright, suddenly wide awake, and grabbed for it before the screen could go dark.

Kimi Baby❤️

morning! | 10:21 AM

did you sleep okay | 10:21 AM

Ollie looked at the untouched pillow beside him before answering.

ollie bear🐻

Perfectly. | 10:22 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

liar | 10:22 AM

Ollie rolled his eyes.

ollie bear🐻

Why ask if you're going to accuse me

of lying? | 10:23 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

because i know you | 10:23 AM

did you reach for me | 10:24 AM

Ollie stared at the words. His hand was still resting on Kimi's side of the bed. “How the fuck—” He quickly pulled it back.

ollie bear🐻

No. | 10:24 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

LIAR | 10:24 AM

I DID TOO | 10:25 AM

Ollie buried his face in the pillow and laughed, the sound muffled into the fabric as his shoulders shook. He was still grinning when the phone started vibrating against the mattress beside his head.

Kimi's name filled the screen.

Kimi Baby❤️ — Incoming FaceTime Call

“You couldn't survive another thirty seconds without hearing my voice?” Ollie teased, pushing himself higher against the pillows as he answered before the second ring.

Kimi was still in bed, one cheek pressed into his pillow and his curls flattened messily on one side. “I wanted to see you.” he shifted the phone closer so more of his face filled the screen.

Ollie sat up against the headboard and dragged the blanket over his lap, keeping the phone close. “Yeah?”

Kimi nodded and tucked one hand beneath his pillow as he studied the shadows under Ollie's eyes. “You look tired.” he observed.

“I just woke up.” Ollie rubbed both hands over his face before pushing his hair back, blinking hard in an attempt to clear the last of the sleep from his eyes.

“You slept badly.” Kimi decided, pulling the blanket a little higher over his shoulder while he kept watching him.

Ollie's eyes drifted towards the empty side of the bed before he caught himself.

Kimi caught the movement immediately as one corner of his mouth lifted. “You did reach for me.”

“I already answered that.” Ollie scratched absently at the back of his neck as he looked back to the screen.

“You lied.” Kimi adjusted the phone against the pillow.

Ollie stared at him for a moment before letting out a long breath through his nose. “Maybe I reached over once.” he rubbed his palm over his chest and refused to acknowledge the way Kimi's face brightened at the answer.

For a few seconds, neither of them spoke. Ollie looked back at the empty pillow beside him and dragged his palm once across the cold sheet before pulling it back towards himself.

“I hate this bed without you.” Ollie admitted, sinking farther against the pillows as he looked at the untouched space beside him.

“It is the same bed.” Kimi reminded him as he tilted his head.

“It’s too big.”

“It was the same size yesterday.”

“Yeah, and yesterday you were in it.” Ollie complained, rubbing his thumb along the side of his phone as his voice softened.

“Nobody stole the covers, nobody shoved their freezing feet into me, and nobody ended up halfway across my chest at three in the morning.” Ollie continued, tugging the blanket higher over his waist.

“You complain when I steal the blanket.” Kimi defended himself as he watched Ollie closely.

“I complain because you somehow take eighty percent of it while still ending up on top of me.” A tired smile tugged at Ollie’s mouth while he rubbed his hand over the empty pillow beside him. “Doesn't mean I want you to stop.”

Kimi's face softened.

“I like waking up with you here.” Ollie added. “Even when you've kicked me twice and stolen everything.”

Kimi tucked his face a little deeper into his pillow, clearly trying not to look too affected by that.

Ollie let him sit with it for a second before glancing at the time again. “What are you doing today?”

“I am going to the karting circuit with my papà.” Kimi explained, shifting onto his back while he pushed his curls away from his forehead.

“Yeah?” Ollie sounded more awake as he sat a little straighter against the headboard.

Kimi nodded. “He wants to spend most of the day there.”

Ollie smiled at that. “That'll be good for you.”

Kimi gave a small shrug. “It will be nice.”

“Text me when you get there?” the request slipped out.

Kimi gave him a knowing look. “I will.” he promised.

“And call me later.” Ollie barely paused before tacking on the second request.

Kimi's eyebrows lifted slightly. “You are very demanding this morning.”

Ollie ignored the teasing. “I just want to know my boyfriend is having a good day.”

Kimi blinked at him for a few seconds.

“And you are going to have fun, okay?” he continued, his tone turning gently insistent as he watched Kimi through the screen.

Kimi gave him a small, amused look. “I am going karting with my father. I think I will survive.”

“That's not what I asked.” Ollie reminded him, tipping his head as he waited. “Promise me you'll actually enjoy yourself and not spend the whole day checking your phone every five minutes.”

“You are the one making me promise to text you when I get there.” Kimi pointed out, brushing a curl away from his eyes.

Ollie considered that. “Irrelevant.” he decided. “You send me one message so I know you're there, then you put the phone away and have fun with your dad.”

“You really want me to put my phone away?” Kimi was clearly enjoying how seriously Ollie was taking this.

“For a little while,” Ollie gave him a small nod. “I can survive a few hours if I know you're happy.” He leaned back into the pillows again. “Promise me, baby.” he coaxed, his voice dropping into that gentle tone he always used when he wanted Kimi to give in.

Kimi smiled. “Prometto. (I promise.)” he tucked one hand beneath his cheek.

“Good boy.” Ollie praised as he smiled back at him.

Kimi's smile turned shy, and Ollie looked very pleased with himself for getting that reaction. He traced the hand Kimi was holding against his cheek with his thumb on the screen, wishing it was his. “And you call me later when you're done.”

“I will.” Kimi promised, giving him one last little nod.

Ollie nodded back, satisfied for the moment, but his thumb still never moved towards the button to end the call.

Kimi didn't reach for it either.

—

By dinner, other people had started noticing.

Not because Ollie was behaving strangely, obviously... Why would he be behaving strangely? Ollie maintained that he was behaving perfectly normal. He simply checked his phone occasionally.

“That's the tenth time you've looked at that in five minutes…” Gabi pointed out, watching Ollie glance down at his screen again.

“No, it isn’t.” Ollie argued.

“It absolutely is.” Gabi folded his arms across his chest.

“I have messages,” Ollie explained, but a quick glance at his notifications showed that he did not, in fact, have any messages.

“From Kimi?” Gabi was already grinning.

Ollie ignored him and opened Kimi’s location.

“Are you checking his location?” Gabi demanded, leaning slightly closer before Ollie locked the phone.

“No!” Ollie denied, slipping it closer to his body.

“You literally are.” Gabi stared at him in disbelief.

“I was checking something.” Ollie insisted, but even he could hear how weak the argument sounded.

“Whether your boyfriend still exists?” 

Ollie gave him a flat look. Then his phone buzzed and his eyes dropped to it right away.

“Oh meu Deus. (Oh my God.)” Gabi groaned, dropping his head into his hands.

“Shut up.” Ollie was already unlocking the screen.

“You didn't even wait a second.” Gabi just laughed at him openly now.

“I'm expecting something.” Ollie defended, which was of course, a lie.

“From Kimi?” came the inevitable question.

Ollie opened the message.

Kimi Baby❤️

look at this dog | 6:42 PM

A photograph followed of an extremely small dachshund wearing a yellow raincoat.

Ollie smiled helplessly. “No.” he answered, already typing back to Kimi.

The fries were worse. Ollie didn’t even notice until Gabi pointed them out.

“You're not going to finish those?” Gabi nodded at his plate.

Ollie looked down at the six fries that were left. “I guess not.” he shrugged, reaching for his drink.

“You always finish your food.” 

Ollie was about to dismiss that too when it hit him.

Kimi always ate the last few. Ollie didn’t offer them. Kimi just reached across the table and stole them while insisting he had not ordered his own because he was “not very hungry,” even though this inevitably resulted in him eating a third of Ollie's meal. Ollie had apparently adapted.

He stared at the six fries as an uncomfortable feeling squeezed beneath his ribs.

“Oh, that is pathetic.” Gabi followed his gaze and immediately understood.

“What?” Ollie asked defensively, looking up.

“Those are Kimi's fries, aren't they?” Gabi pointed at the abandoned food.

“They aren't Kimi's fries!”

“You leave them for him.” Gabi realized, delighted by this discovery.

“I don't leave them for him!” Ollie protested, but he could no longer stop looking at the fries.

“When was the last time you ate all your fries?”

Ollie opened his mouth and nothing came out.

Laughter exploded across the table.

Ollie rolled his eyes and picked up one of the remaining fries and shoved it into his mouth purely out of spite.

It tasted terrible.

—

Ollie was already in bed when Kimi called that night at 10:38 PM.

Kimi's face filled the screen, his curls still damp from a shower and his cheeks slightly pink from the heat of the water. “You answered very fast.”

“I was holding my phone.”

“You were waiting for me.” Kimi corrected with a grin.

“I was holding my phone.” Ollie repeated himself with exaggerated patience.

“Because you were waiting for me.” 

Ollie refused to engage. “How was your day?” he asked instead, letting his head sink back against the headboard.

Kimi talked. Ollie listened.

That was another thing he missed more than he had expected. Kimi could talk endlessly when he was comfortable, jumping between subjects so quickly that Ollie sometimes lost track of how they had gotten from one topic to another, but Ollie liked listening anyway. He liked the way Kimi's face lit up when he got excited about something. He liked how Kimi could never seem to explain anything with words alone, his hands constantly moving along with whatever story he was telling, fingers pinching together for emphasis or both palms flying into the air when something was particularly unbelievable. Half the time, Ollie thought he could probably mute him and still follow the general direction of the story from the increasingly dramatic Italian hand gestures alone. He liked interrupting him with questions just to watch him launch into another explanation, hands immediately starting up again as he insisted Ollie needed the full context. More than anything, he liked being the person Kimi wanted to tell everything to.

Tonight, he let Kimi ramble for nearly forty minutes.

Eventually, Kimi yawned so widely that Ollie laughed.

“Tired?” Ollie asked, his expression softening as Kimi immediately tried to suppress another yawn.

“No.” Kimi insisted, even though his eyelids were already growing heavier.

“Go to sleep.” Ollie told him gently, shifting onto his side.

“I want to stay with you.” Kimi whined, his earlier smugness disappearing as he rubbed one eye with the heel of his hand.

Something in Ollie's chest squeezed painfully. “You can stay with me.” Ollie assured him. “Put your phone down.”

Kimi propped the phone against something on his nightstand, and Ollie did the same so they could both settle beneath their blankets without holding the screens.

Kimi shifted beneath the covers until only the top half of his face remained visible, and Ollie simply watched him.

“You miss me.” Kimi mumbled sleepily as his eyes drifted closed.

“Obviously I miss you.”

“How much?” Kimi asked, forcing one eye open.

“We're not doing this again.” Ollie let out an exhausted sigh that contained no real irritation.

“More than I miss you?” Kimi pressed, his eyes already closing again.

“This is not a competition.”

“That means yes.”

“It means go to sleep.” He watched Kimi's smile linger as his breathing slowly began to even out. “I love you.” he added quietly, not ready to let the call go silent yet.

“Ti amo anch’io.” Kimi slurred back.

Several minutes later, Kimi was asleep.

Ollie should have ended the call but he didn’t. Instead, he lowered the brightness of his phone and left it propped where it was, Kimi's sleeping face still visible across the darkened screen.

Sometime after two in the morning, Ollie woke.

For one disoriented second, he expected Kimi beside him, then his eyes found the phone. The call was still connected and Kimi was asleep on the screen with one cheek squished against his pillow and his curls sticking out in every direction.

Ollie stared at him for a long moment, taking in the sleepy little crease between his eyebrows and the way one hand had somehow ended up tucked beneath his cheek.

“I love you, Kimi.” Ollie whispered into the darkness, his voice low enough that there was no chance of waking him as he shifted closer to the phone.

Kimi didn’t stir.

Ollie smiled to himself and let his head sink deeper into the pillow. “You’d be very annoyed if you knew I was sitting here staring at you.”

Kimi’s face stayed peaceful.

“Actually, no, you wouldn’t.” Ollie continued quietly. “You’d probably ask me how long I’d been watching and then get all smug when I told you.”

He watched Kimi shift slightly beneath the blankets before settling again.

“Wish you were here.” Ollie admitted, his voice softening as he looked over at the empty side of his bed and then back to the screen. “It’s stupidly quiet without you. I don’t like it.”

Kimi slept on, completely unaware.

Ollie reached out and rested two fingers lightly against the screen near Kimi’s cheek. “My beautiful boy,” he whispered. “You’re my favorite thing in the whole world. You know that?” His throat tightened a little around his next breath.

Kimi’s nose scrunched faintly in his sleep.

Ollie’s smile grew. “Yeah, there you are.” he watched the tiny movement with ridiculous fondness. “My baby.”

For another few seconds, Ollie just watched him.

“Have a good sleep, okay?” he lowered his head farther into the pillow as his eyes started growing heavy again. “Don’t worry about anything. I’m right here.”

The words felt a bit ridiculous when there were hundreds of miles between them, but Ollie meant them anyway. “I’ll still be here when you wake up,” he added, barely above a whisper now. “Promise.”

Kimi never heard a single word.

Ollie smiled anyway before closing his eyes again, leaving the phone propped beside him so Kimi would still be there when morning came.

—

By the third day, the evidence against Ollie had become overwhelming.

He bought Kimi's coffee by accident, he sent Kimi eleven photographs before noon, someone said something funny and he automatically turned to his left because his first instinct was to tell Kimi…

There was nobody there. That one hurt more than Ollie expected. He stood there for a second with the words already on his tongue, staring at the empty space where Kimi normally would have been, then he took out his phone.

ollie bear🐻

You would have laughed at something that just happened. | 12:18 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

tell me | 12:20 PM

So Ollie did.

The story took four messages to explain properly, and Kimi responded with fifteen laughing emojis followed by a voice note of him laughing hard enough that he could barely speak.

Ollie smiled down at the screen and someone beside him sighed dramatically.

“Tu es dégoûtant. (You are disgusting.)” Isack watched the ridiculous smile remain on Ollie's face.

“What?” Ollie asked, looking up.

“You have been smiling at your phone for five minutes.” Isack gestured to the device in his hand.

“My boyfriend is funny.”

“Antonelli is not even here and somehow we are still dealing with the two of you.”

“Sounds difficult for you,” Ollie said sympathetically, slipping his phone into his pocket and pretending he didn’t care about it.

—

That evening, Arvid discovered the camera roll.

It happened because Ollie was trying to show him a completely unrelated photograph and made the mistake of scrolling too slowly.

One picture of Kimi went past. Then another. Then another.

“Wait.” Arvid said sharply, reaching towards the phone.

Ollie stopped scrolling.

“Go back.” 

“No.” Ollie angled the screen away.

“Mate, why are there so many pictures of Kimi sleeping?” Arvid looked genuinely disturbed by what he had just witnessed.

Ollie locked his phone. “There aren’t.” 

“I just saw at least ten.” 

“They were from different days.”

Arvid pursed his lips and Ollie frowned at him, feeling unfairly judged. “What?” 

“That's your defense?” Arvid asked slowly.

“He looks different.”

“He’s unconscious.” Arvid reminded him, now laughing.

“Sometimes he's wearing different things.”

“You photograph your sleeping boyfriend because his pajamas change?” The other Brit asked incredulously.

“No.” Ollie admitted finally.

“Then why?”

Ollie shrugged because to him, the answer should have been obvious. “He's cute.”

The silence somehow became louder.

“What?” Ollie asked.

“Nothing,” Arvid shook his head. “I'm just beginning to think we've been bullying the wrong person.”

—

Sleeping was beginning to be very difficult by the third night.

Kimi had always slept close. That had started immediately, long before either of them had fully figured out what they were doing together. Kimi possessed an uncanny ability to locate Ollie in his sleep. Ollie could fall asleep with a few feet between them and wake sometime later with Kimi pressed against him.

Now Ollie was accustomed to it.

He was accustomed to Kimi's arm across his stomach and a knee wedged between his thighs. He was used to Kimi's forehead tucked beneath his chin and the occasional sleepy complaint whenever Ollie rolled too far away. He was used to waking because Kimi had stolen half the blanket and then pulling both the blanket and Kimi back towards him.

Without him, Ollie could not get comfortable.

He rolled onto his left side and hated it. He tried lying on his back, which felt worse, then turned onto his right side and lasted less than a minute before rolling over again.

Eventually he glared at the empty pillow. Then Ollie did something he would deny until death.

He got out of bed, crossed the room and opened the drawer where Kimi kept his clothes. He found one of Kimi's hoodies and pulled it over his head. It was far too small on him. The sleeves stopped way higher on his arms than they were supposed to, and the fabric stretched across his shoulders in a way Kimi would absolutely complain about if he could see him.

Ollie climbed back into bed.

It was better, but still not enough. He stared at Kimi's pillow.

“No.” Ollie whispered to himself, already knowing exactly how pathetic his next decision was going to be. 

Five minutes later, he was asleep with Kimi's pillow tucked against his chest.

—

Kimi spent the fourth morning sending messages about wanting to come home.

Kimi Baby❤️

three more sleeps | 11:03 AM

ollie bear🐻

Yep. | 11:04 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

too many | 11:04 AM

ollie bear🐻

You'll survive. | 11:05 AM

The next message made Ollie pause.

Kimi Baby❤️

will you | 11:07 AM

Ollie stared at it.

He was wearing Kimi's hoodie. Kimi’s pillow was still beside him.

ollie bear🐻

Obviously. | 11:07 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

🤨👀

Ollie threw his phone onto the mattress.

—

It was sometime in the late afternoon when Ollie was lying across his bed with one arm tucked beneath his head, staring at nothing in particular while his phone rested against his stomach.

The screen lit up.

Kimi Baby❤️

are you okay? | 3:34 PM

Ollie's eyebrows pulled together. He unlocked the phone and read the message again before answering.

ollie bear🐻

Yes, why? | 3:35 PM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

the guys texted me | 3:35 PM

they said you keep saying no when they ask you to go out | 3:36 PM

i am starting to get a bit worried bear | 3:38 PM

Ollie stared at the last message for longer than the others.

‘Bear.’

Kimi only really pulled that one out when he was being especially soft with him.

Ollie rubbed his thumb across the edge of his phone before typing back.

ollie bear🐻

I'm fine, Kimi. I've just been tired. | 3:40 PM

I went out earlier anyway. | 3:40 PM

The second message had been unnecessary. Ollie knew that when he sent it, but apparently some stupid part of him had decided that making Kimi believe he had left the apartment today would make the rest of the lie more convincing.

Kimi Baby❤️

where did you go? | 3:40 PM

ollie bear🐻

Got coffee. Walked around for a bit. | 3:41 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

ollie | 3:41 PM

Ollie's stomach sank.

Kimi Baby❤️

isack is literally texting me right now | 3:41 PM

he asked you to get coffee today | 3:42 PM

and you told him you do not drink coffee

anymore | 3:42 PM

Ollie closed his eyes. “Fuck.”

Of all the times for their friends to become efficient communicators.

ollie bear🐻

Okay. I didn't go out. | 3:42 PM

Happy? | 3:42 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

why did you lie to me? | 3:43 PM

There was no good answer to that. At least, not one he was willing to give Kimi.

He could hardly type because I've spent most of the afternoon lying in our bed with your hoodie beside me and I knew you would worry if I told you that.

Instead, he went with the easier version.

ollie bear🐻

Because I knew you'd make a big deal out of me staying home again. | 3:44 PM

I have a headache. I didn't feel like going anywhere. | 3:44 PM

It was close enough to the truth. He had been tired. He did have a headache. He hadn't wanted to go anywhere. Kimi didn't need to know about the rest.

Kimi Baby❤️

i would not make a big deal out of it | 3:45 PM

i am just worried about you | 3:45 PM

ollie bear🐻

You don't need to be. | 3:46 PM

I'm fine. Honestly. | 3:46 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

are you sure? | 3:47 PM

Ollie looked around the bedroom. The curtains were still half closed even though it was well into the afternoon, one of Kimi's hoodies was lying beside him on the bed, and he had ignored three separate invitations from Gabi, Isack and Arvid as well as two opportunities to hang out as a group because every excuse had felt easier than going somewhere and pretending he was having fun.

He looked back at the message.

ollie bear🐻

Yes. I'm sure. Don't worry about me. Go have fun today.❤️ | 3:48 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

okay | 3:48 PM

but i love you | 3:48 PM

please do not lie to me again | 3:49 PM

ollie bear🐻

I love you too. | 3:49 PM

He put the phone down beside him and stared at the ceiling.

He had lied again.

Not about everything. He was functioning, for the most part. He was eating, mostly. Sleeping, eventually. Answering messages when he felt like it.

That had to count for something... right?

Still, night time had come and began to pass, Ollie remained exactly where he had been for most of the day. He had changed positions at some point, rolling onto his stomach with his face turned into Kimi's pillow while something mindless played quietly on the television across the room. He was not asleep, he wasn't even particularly tired. He simply did not feel like moving.

That was why the mattress suddenly dipping beneath the weight of three other people nearly sent him into cardiac arrest.

One body landed near his legs, another crashed down beside his shoulder, the third practically bounced onto the foot of the bed.

Ollie jerked upright so fast his elbow nearly connected with someone's face. “What the?” His hair was sticking up in several directions as he stared at Gabi, Isack and Arvid sprawled across his bed.

“Nice to see you too, Bearman.” Isack stretched himself comfortably across the bottom corner of the mattress while Ollie tried to understand how three grown men had materialized inside his locked apartment.

Ollie's eyes narrowed. “How the hell did you guys get in here?” he asked, dragging the blanket higher around his waist as his attention moved between them.

Arvid pointed lazily across the bed. “Gabi has a spare key.” he explained, settling against the headboard with far too much comfort for someone who had just broken into another person's bedroom.

Ollie's head turned slowly towards Gabi, who gave him an innocent little shrug.

Ollie groaned and dropped his face straight back into the pillow. “I should've taken that fucking thing back.” he muttered into the fabric while all three of them started laughing.

“Maybe if you stopped pretending none of us existed every time we tried to drag you out of this apartment, I wouldn’t have had to use it.” Gabi reached over to smack the back of Ollie's thigh.

Ollie lifted his head just enough to glare at him. “Get out of my bed.” he ordered, making absolutely no effort to remove any of them himself.

“No.” Isack folded his hands behind his head while he settled even more comfortably.

“We've invited you out five times,” Gabi leaned over until Ollie could no longer ignore him without physically turning his head away. “You've had food poisoning, a headache, something you needed to finish, and yesterday you apparently had laundry.”

“I did have laundry!” Ollie defended, rolling onto his side and pulling Kimi's pillow against his chest.

Arvid glanced towards the chair in the corner where several clean shirts were still folded in a basket. “Tragic stuff...” he remarked, nodding towards the untouched washing.

Ollie followed his gaze and immediately looked away.

Isack sat up and planted both feet on the floor. “We are taking you out.” he announced, reaching for Ollie's ankle beneath the blanket.

Ollie yanked his leg away. “No, you're not.” he curled farther towards the middle of the mattress.

Gabi caught his other ankle.

Ollie stared at him and Gabi stared back.

“Don't.” Ollie warned, already gripping the sheets because he knew exactly what was about to happen.

Arvid grabbed one of his wrists.

“Absolutely not!” Ollie protested, his voice rising when Isack got hold of his other arm. Ollie was being physically dragged halfway across his own mattress while all three of them ignored every complaint.

Ollie yanked his legs away, inching back towards the middle of the mattress and tightening both arms around Kimi's pillow like it could somehow protect him from the three idiots surrounding his bed.

Gabi looked down at the pillow, then back at Ollie.

Ollie recognized the look on his face. “No. Please—”

Gabi ripped Kimi’s pillow straight out of his arms.

“Hey!” Ollie shot upright and reached for it, but Gabi had already tossed it across the room to Arvid. “Give me that back!”

Arvid caught it against his chest and raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so this gets you out of bed.”

“That's Kimi’s.” Ollie snapped, lunging across the mattress towards him.

“We know,” Isack said, catching Ollie around the waist before he could reach Arvid. “That is why it is working.”

“You're all fucking horrible.”

“And yet,” Gabi said cheerfully, grabbing Ollie by the ankle again, “you're finally moving.”

“I hate every single one of you!” Ollie informed them, kicking uselessly at the blanket tangled around his legs while Gabi laughed hard enough to nearly lose his grip.

“You'll survive, mate.” Arvid hauled Ollie upright by one arm once they had finally gotten him to the edge of the bed.

Ollie sat there with his hair a mess and his shirt twisted around his waist, looking deeply unimpressed.

Gabi tossed a pair of loose baggy jeans at his chest. “Get dressed.” he ordered, watching the denim slide into Ollie's lap.

Ollie looked down at them, then at his friends, then back at the jeans. “I am dressed.” he argued, gesturing towards the sweatpants he had been wearing since the night before.

Isack reached for his phone. “Fine. I will FaceTime Kimi and show him what this room and you look like.”

Ollie's head snapped towards him. “You wouldn't.”

Isack unlocked his phone and held it up. Kimi's contact was already open on the screen. He hovered his thumb over the call button.

The four boys, all at different points of the room, just stared at each other, waiting to see who was going to make the first move.

Then Isack pressed the call button.

Ollie shot off the bed.

Isack barely had time to react before Ollie lunged across the space between them and grabbed for the phone. Isack was short, shorter than Kimi, which was saying something, and Ollie had a considerable advantage in both height and reach. Isack immediately stretched his arm as high above his head as he could while twisting away, but Ollie simply followed him, one hand catching Isack’s wrist while the other reached desperately for the phone.

“Give me the fucking phone!” Ollie demanded, practically folding himself over Isack as the smaller boy stumbled backwards beneath him.

“No!” Isack yelled, laughing through the genuine struggle taking place as he switched the phone into his other hand and attempted to hold it behind his back.

Ollie followed it. “Isack, I swear to God—”

Gabi grabbed Ollie around the waist from behind and tried to pull him back, but Ollie barely moved. Arvid caught one of his shoulders a second later and added his weight, yet Ollie still kept reaching, dragging all three of them several inches across the bedroom as he fought to get the phone away from Isack.

There were very few things Ollie was willing to physically battle three Formula 1 drivers over.

Preventing his boyfriend from seeing the current state of both him and their bedroom had apparently made the list.

“Stop fucking moving!” Gabi complained, tightening both arms around Ollie’s middle as Ollie managed to wrench himself halfway free again.

“Then make him hang up!” Ollie snapped, catching Isack’s forearm and trying to force it downward.

“I am not hanging up!” Isack shouted back, twisting away just as Ollie’s fingertips brushed the edge of the phone.

The ringing stopped.

Every single one of them froze.

A tiny, distinctly Italian accented voice came cheerfully through the speaker.

“Bonjour, Isack!”

Isack’s eyes flicked slowly towards Ollie, triumph spreading across his face while Ollie stared back in absolute horror.

“Ciao, Kimi.” Isack answered, putting enough attitude into the greeting that Ollie immediately narrowed his eyes. “I am here with your boyfriend.”

Ollie remained frozen, one hand still wrapped around Isack’s wrist while Gabi’s arms were locked around his waist and Arvid had a fistful of his shirt near the shoulder.

Arvid recovered first. He abruptly shoved Gabi’s shoulder. “Grab him.”

Arvid caught Ollie’s arm and yanked it backwards at the same moment Gabi abandoned his waist, dropped lower and wrapped both arms around one of Ollie’s legs.

“What the fuck—” Ollie barely got the words out before they pulled.

Arvid hauled his upper body backwards while Gabi ripped his leg out from underneath him, and Ollie was suddenly dragged several feet away from Isack. He fought them immediately, twisting hard enough that Arvid nearly lost his grip while Gabi clung stubbornly to his leg.

“Get off me!” Ollie hissed, stretching his free arm towards Isack even with there now being no chance of reaching him.

“What is happening?” Kimi asked through the phone, amusement and confusion mixing together in his voice as the sounds of Ollie fighting for his life filled the call. “Why is everyone shouting?”

Isack looked expectantly at Ollie and Ollie glared back at him and gave one sharp shake of his head.

Absolutely fucking not.

Isack raised his eyebrows.

Ollie shook his head again with even more emphasis while Arvid tightened his grip around his arm.

There was a short silence through the speaker.

Then Kimi’s voice softened.

“Bear?”

The fight visibly went out of Ollie instantly.

His shoulders dropped first, then the tension disappeared from his arm beneath Arvid’s hands, and his leg stopped trying to kick free of Gabi’s grip. He stayed there for another second, breathing slightly harder from the struggle, before finally answering.

“Hi, Kimi.”

Arvid let go of his arm when he realized Ollie was no longer a threat and Gabi slowly released his leg, neither of them moving very far.

“Is everything okay?” Kimi asked, concern replacing the amusement in his voice. “It sounds like you are all fighting.”

“Everything’s fine!” Ollie answered quickly, shooting all three of them a warning look.

Kimi was quiet for a second. “Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Guys?” Kimi called, deciding Ollie was not a reliable enough source. “Is everything okay?”

Isack, Gabi and Arvid all turned towards Ollie and Ollie stared back at them.

Nobody spoke so Kimi waited.

Ollie rolled his eyes dramatically, bent down and snatched the baggy jeans from where they had fallen onto the floor during the struggle.

Arvid understood the surrender. “Yeah, mate,” he told Kimi, finally letting a grin spread across his face. “All good over here.”

“And Ollie is coming out with us.” Gabi added brightly, watching Ollie straighten with the jeans clutched in one hand.

There was a tiny pause before Kimi’s delighted response came through the phone. “Really?”

Ollie glared at Gabi.

“Yes.” Gabi answered for him.

“That is good!” Kimi sounded genuinely happy now, and some of the irritation drained from Ollie’s expression even though he was still angry. “You should go out, bear. Have fun with them.”

Ollie looked down at the jeans in his hand. “Apparently I don’t have a choice...” he mumbled under his breath.

Gabi cupped a hand around his ear. “What was that?” he asked loudly, leaning towards Ollie with an exaggerated look of confusion. Then, before Ollie could answer, his expression brightened. “Oh, Kimi, I think Ollie said something to you.”

Ollie’s head snapped towards him. “Don’t you fucking dare.” he gritted through his teeth, pointing the jeans at Gabi like a weapon.

Gabi only grinned wider. “What? I’m just making sure your boyfriend heard you.”

“I wasn’t talking to him.”

“You sounded like you were talking to him.”

“I was talking to myself.”

“That seems healthy…” Arvid muttered from behind him.

Through the phone, Kimi laughed. “What did he say?”

“I said nothing.” Ollie repeated firmly towards the phone, already knowing there was absolutely no chance Kimi believed him.

“Okay, Oliver.” Kimi said.

Ollie narrowed his eyes toward Isack’s phone. “Don’t ‘okay, Oliver’ me like that.”

“Then fix your attitude,” Kimi replied, calmly. “They are trying to do something nice for you.”

Ollie checked himself instantly. His shoulders eased as he glanced down and gave a small nod without even thinking about arguing with the younger boy. “I’ll behave…” he promised.

Gabi clamped a hand over his own mouth at how fast Ollie had folded, wisely deciding that laughing openly was not worth getting attacked by Ollie again.

Kimi sounded pleased. “Good.”

Isack lifted the phone a little higher. “Right well, we are going to get him out of here before he changes his mind.” he told Kimi, already starting to turn towards the bedroom door.

Ollie took that as his opportunity to escape. He turned and headed to the bathroom with the jeans still clutched in one hand.

“Wait.” Isack called after him.

Ollie stopped.

Isack looked between him and the phone with exaggerated innocence. “Don’t you want to say goodbye to your boyfriend?”

Ollie’s nostrils flared. He turned just enough to look over his shoulder. “Bye.”

Then he started walking again.

“Ollie…” Kimi called sweetly through the phone.

Ollie stopped for a second time.

There was a pause before Kimi added, much softer, “Have fun. I love you.”

Heat immediately climbed into Ollie’s cheeks. He stared at the bathroom door like it had personally betrayed him. “Yeah,” he said dryly. “You too.”

“Ollie.”

He closed his eyes.

Behind him, Gabi made a strangled sound into his hand.

He sighed and finally turned around properly, jeans still tucked beneath one arm. “Fine.”

Ollie looked at the three boys staring at him, then back at the phone. His ears were starting to burn now too. “Have a good night. I’ll call you in the morning.”

Kimi hummed, pleased but not quite finished. “And?”

Ollie’s eyebrows lifted. “And?”

“You are missing something.”

Ollie stared at Isack’s phone, already knowing what Kimi meant.

“I love you.” he whispered.

“What was that?” Kimi questioned. “Mi dispiace, orso. (I am sorry, bear.) I did not hear you.”

“I love you.” he raised his voice and tried again to please his boyfriend, who was very much enjoying bullying him from hundreds of miles away.

“How much?”  Kimi asked, far too innocently.

Arvid leaned slightly towards Isack and lowered his voice. “Mate, I would hate to be in his position right now.”

Isack bit down on the inside of his cheek, shoulders already starting to shake.

Ollie heard both of them and started reconsidering every friendship he had ever made.

He looked down at the jeans in his hand and without warning, he chucked them straight at Gabi’s face.

“Oi!” Gabi spluttered as they smacked him in the face, but Ollie was already moving.

Isack saw him coming and started backing away, one hand tightening around the phone. “Mate—”

Ollie reached him before he could get very far and ripped the phone clean out of his hand.

“Hey!”

Ollie ignored him. He grew a pair of balls and bravely decided to put an end to this public humiliation ritual. He turned away from all three of them, facing the wall instead, and brought the phone carefully against his chest. The movement was instinctive, his hand curling around the edge of it pretending he was holding Kimi instead of a screen. He closed his eyes for a second, shutting out the room behind him.

“Ti amo tantissimo. Più di ogni altra cosa al mondo. (I love you so much. More than anything else in the world.)” He held the phone a little closer before opening his eyes again. “Now stop making me say embarrassing things in front of our friends.”

Kimi’s voice was much softer when he answered. “Ti amo anch'io, amore mio. You know I am just teasing.”

A helpless little smile pulled at Ollie’s mouth at the nickname before he remembered he had an audience. His cheeks burned even hotter as he looked pointedly at the three boys.

Gabi’s eyes lit up with the unmistakable look of someone who had just thought of something terrible. “So... are you going to kiss Isack’s phone now, or should we leave the room so you can have some privacy with—”

“Kimi, I’ll text you later, bye!” Ollie shouted over him, talking fast enough that Kimi barely had time to make a startled noise before Ollie ended the call and shoved the phone back against Isack's chest hard enough that Isack had to take a step backwards to catch himself.

For one perfect second, the room was silent.

But all good things must come to an end, so all three of them lost it.

Isack doubled over laughing, Arvid turned away with one hand over his mouth, and Gabi ended up in a fetal position on the floor with tears running down his face.

Ollie’s cheeks flushed even more. Was that even possible at this point? He shook his head, muttered something deeply unkind under his breath, and marched into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

Twenty minutes later, they had him out the door.

Getting him into the bar was easier than getting him out of the apartment. Keeping him there? Well… that was another problem.

At first Ollie stood with them near the edge of the room, one hand shoved into his pocket while the other held a drink Gabi had handed him immediately after they arrived. Music rattled through the floor beneath his shoes, people packed the room around them, and every few seconds someone had to lean closer to be heard.

Normally, Ollie would have enjoyed it, because he usually had Kimi there with him, but tonight he kept checking his phone.

Isack eventually reached over and pushed it facedown against the table.

“What was that for?” Ollie tried reaching to turn it back over.

“You checked it thirty seconds ago.” Isack kept one hand on top of the phone so Ollie couldn't take it.

“I was looking at the time.” Ollie defended, trying to pry Isack's fingers away.

“There's a clock behind the bar.” Arvid pointed out, nodding towards the illuminated display less than ten feet away.

Ollie looked over at it, then back at his phone.

“Right,” Gabi said, pushing himself away from the table. “He needs a drink.”

“I don't need another drink.” Ollie complained, but Gabi had already caught Isack by the shoulder and pulled him along towards the bar.

“You absolutely need another drink,” Isack called back, “And don't touch your phone.” he pointed at Ollie in warning before disappearing into the crowd with Gabi.

Ollie waited until they were several feet away before reaching for it.

Arvid put his hand over the phone first.

Ollie stared at him. “Seriously?”

“You lasted four seconds.”

“I wasn't going to check it.”

Arvid raised an eyebrow.

“I wasn't!” Ollie insisted, drawing his hand back and folding his arms across his chest instead.

For a few seconds, neither of them said anything. Without Isack and Gabi filling every available silence, Ollie became painfully aware of the music pounding through the speakers and the conversations overlapping around them. He glanced towards the bar, then towards the entrance, then finally down at the condensation collecting beneath somebody's abandoned glass.

Arvid watched him do all three. “You really didn't want to come tonight, did you?” he asked after a moment.

Ollie shrugged without looking up. “I was tired.”

“You've been tired for days.”

“I haven't been sleeping very well.”

“I know.”

That made Ollie look at him.

Arvid leaned back in his chair, one arm resting over the back of it. There was no teasing in his expression now. “We weren't actually trying to piss you off by dragging you out.”

“You stole my boyfriend's pillow.”

“That was Gabi.”

“You caught it.”

“You were trying to tackle him over it.”

“It was Kimi's.”

Arvid's mouth twitched, but he didn't laugh. “Exactly.”

Ollie frowned at him.

“You've barely left the apartment since he went away,” Arvid continued. “You keep turning us down. You look exhausted. Gabi said you weren't eating properly, and every time somebody looks away from you for ten seconds, you're checking whether Kimi has texted.”

“I am eating.”

“Not really the important part of that sentence, mate.”

Ollie picked at the corner of a napkin. “I'm fine.”

Arvid was quiet for a second. “Are you?”

Ollie's fingers stopped.

He hated the question mostly because Arvid wasn't asking it the way everyone else had. There was no grin attached to it. No joke about Kimi being gone for less than a week. No accusation that Ollie was secretly more codependent than his boyfriend.

Just the question.

“Yeah,” Ollie said eventually, although considerably less convincingly. “I'm just...” He trailed off.

Arvid waited.

Ollie glanced towards his phone. “I miss him.”

“I gathered that.”

“No.” Ollie shook his head slightly, frustrated because that wasn't quite what he meant. “I know it's stupid. It's only a week. I know that. And he's having a good time with his family, which is what I wanted. I practically forced him onto the plane because he was ready to stay home just because he didn't want to leave me.”

Arvid listened without interrupting.

“And I'm happy he's there,” Ollie continued, dragging his thumb along the edge of the table. “I want him to be there. I want him to see his parents and his sister and do all the things he's been missing. I don't want him sitting in Italy worrying because I'm being pathetic in Monaco.”

“Which is why you keep telling him you're fine.”

Ollie nodded.

Arvid gave him a knowing look. “Why haven’t you just told him?”

Ollie's eyes flicked towards him. “Told him what?”

“That you’re having a shit time without him.”

Ollie looked away. “He knows I miss him.”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

“He worries.” 

“So do you.”

“But that's not the same.”

“Of course it isin't.” Arvid rolled his eyes.

Ollie ignored the sarcasm. He looked around the bar instead, his gaze catching on a couple standing near the far wall with their arms around each other. He looked away with a wince.

Arvid didn't question it.

Ollie picked at the corner of the napkin, refusing to look up. “He’s with his family. He doesn’t need me making him feel guilty for being there.”

“You think Kimi would feel guilty because you miss him?”

“Yes,” Ollie answered immediately. “Have you met him?”

Arvid almost smiled. “So you’d rather lie to him?”

Ollie’s jaw tightened. “I’d rather he have a good week.”

Arvid pressed his lips into a thin line and leaned back slightly in his chair. “What if it was Kimi?”

The napkin tore between Ollie’s fingers.

“What if you were back in England with your family and Kimi was here doing exactly what you’re doing now?” Arvid asked. “What if he barely left the apartment, kept turning us down, wasn’t sleeping or eating properly, and every time you asked him if he was okay, he lied because he didn’t want to ruin your week?”

His fingers tightened around the torn napkin until it crumpled in his fist.

Arvid leaned forward at the lack of eye contact. “How would you feel when you found out?”

Ollie didn’t answer. He couldn’t.

Because suddenly it was Kimi in their bed instead of him. Kimi wearing one of Ollie’s hoodies because he missed him. Kimi holding Ollie’s pillow against his chest at night, barely sleeping and forgetting to eat properly because everything felt wrong without him there. Kimi staring at his phone, wanting to call and deciding against it because Ollie was with his family and Kimi didn’t want to be a problem.

The thought made Ollie feel sick to his stomach. He would have wanted Kimi to call. Immediately. At any hour. For any reason. He would have hated knowing Kimi had needed him and chosen to sit there alone instead because he thought protecting Ollie’s good week was more important than his mental health and wellbeing.

Arvid watched him quietly from across the table, seeing the effect of every word on Ollie’s face.

Ollie let out a shaky sigh, the thought of his Kimi hurting like that because of him finally becoming too much. His eyes filled before he could blink the tears away, and he quickly dropped his eyes towards the table.

Arvid tilted his head, looking a little guilty. “Look, mate… I’m sorry, dude.”

Ollie shook his head and dragged a hand over his face, trying to pull himself back together. “No, you’re right. I just…” He exhaled unevenly and looked away. “If he knew how bad it actually was…” Ollie rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “he'd probably try to come home.”

Arvid didn’t argue.

“And I don’t want that,” Ollie continued with the shake of his head. “I wanted him to go. I want him to be with his family." He sagged back into his chair, looking more tired than defensive.

“It’s made me feel sick watching how much he’s missed them all season. Every time he talks about home, or his parents, or his sister, he tries to act like it doesn’t bother him that much. But I know him. I can tell." Ollie pressed his tongue briefly to the inside of his cheek, searching for the right words.

Arvid stayed quiet, letting him talk.

“I want him to have that time with them,” Ollie said after a moment. “He deserves this. He gives so much of himself to everyone all the time, and he never asks for much back.” A small, fond smile tugged at his mouth. “He’s such a sweet boy, Arvid. He worries about everybody. He tries to make everyone happy, and half the time he doesn’t even realize how much he’s doing.”

Ollie swallowed, blinking down at the table again. “If there’s anyone who deserves a week where he gets to go home and just be someone’s son and someone’s brother again, it’s him. I just…”

He dragged a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think being without him for a week was going to feel like this.” There was a beat of silence between them before Ollie looked down at his phone beneath Arvid's hand.

“I love him.”

Arvid studied him for a long moment. He thought over Ollie's behavior for the last few days and everything he had just vulnerably admitted to him.

“You seem pretty sad for a boy so in love.” he said quietly.

Ollie's eyes lifted to his.

For once, Arvid wasn't smiling.

Ollie opened his mouth, although he had absolutely no idea what he was going to say—

Two glasses slammed onto the table between them hard enough to make him jump.

“Right!” Gabi announced, sliding one towards Ollie as Isack dropped back into the chair beside him, grabbing the phone from underneath Arvid's hand and pocketing it. “We have decided alcohol will fix whatever is wrong with you.”

Ollie stared at the drink.

Then he looked back at Arvid.

Arvid had already leaned away, reaching casually for his own glass as though he hadn't said anything at all.

The alcohol helped a little. Not enough to make him feel normal, but enough to sand down the edges of everything. He stopped checking his phone every minute. He laughed more when Gabi told a story. He let Isack drag him into some stupid argument about who had the worst taste in music and actually participated instead of drifting away halfway through.

Still, there was something missing, and he knew exactly what.

Every funny thing that happened made him think about how Kimi would have reacted. Every song Kimi liked made Ollie's attention flick towards the speakers. Every time someone leaned into him to talk, some automatic part of his body expected a smaller frame to fit against his side instead.

By the time Gabi decided they needed to dance, Ollie had enough alcohol in him to let himself be pulled away from the table without much resistance.

“This is a terrible idea.” Ollie told them, stumbling half a step when Isack hooked an arm around his shoulders and started steering him towards the crowded part of the room. Arvid had decided to hang back.

“You have been saying that all night.” Isack reminded him, laughing when Ollie nearly stepped on his shoe.

Ollie let them drag him in. For a while, it worked. He moved with them, laughed when Isack attempted something that barely qualified as dancing, and let Gabi spin him once purely because everyone was drunk enough for dignity to have stopped mattering.

Then the room suddenly felt too loud and someone bumped into Ollie's shoulder and another person pushed past behind him and the lights flashed across his face, music pounding hard enough that he could feel it in his chest.

He wanted Kimi so badly that it hurt.

He didn't want to call him, or text. He wanted Kimi. Kimi's hands, Kimi's curls, Kimi's head tucked under his chin.

Kimi would look up and know something was wrong before Ollie had to explain it.

He stepped backwards.

Gabi caught the movement first. “You okay?” he asked, leaning close enough that Ollie could hear him over the music.

Ollie nodded too quickly. “Yeah, I just need some air.” he replied, already turning towards the exit before anyone could offer to come with him. As he passed behind Isack, he slipped his phone out of Isack’s back pocket, where it had been kept from him. Ollie walked a few steps away from the entrance and leaned his back against the wall, closing his eyes for a second while the muffled thump of music continued behind him.

He was already unlocking his phone before he consciously decided to.

He opened Kimi's messages. The last thing Kimi had sent him was a picture from earlier that evening.

Ollie stared at it, then he started typing.

ollie bear🐻

Hi baby | 11:31 PM

My pretty boy | 11:31 PM

Are you sleping | 11:32 PM

A few seconds passed with no response. Ollie rubbed his thumb across Kimi's picture at the top of the screen.

You better be sleeping | 11:33 PM

My baby needs his slepe | 11:33 PM

He leaned his head back against the wall, already grinning at the thought of Kimi waking up to all of this.

Wish you were here | 11:34 PM

Miss your facce | 11:34 PM

Ollie locked his phone and stared at the picture of Kimi on his lockscreen. It was one he'd taken a few weeks ago during a race weekend, Kimi curled into the corner of a hotel room couch in one of Ollie's hoodies, which meant it was huge on him. His knees were tucked against his chest under the hoodie and the sleeves were pulled over his hands and the cuffs were folded back multiple times so that only the tips of his fingers showed. His curls were falling into his eyes, his cheek squished against the back cushion as he stared sleepily at something on the television.

Ollie slid his back down the wall until his ass hit the cement.

“You’re so fucking cute,” Ollie whispered to the picture, smiling helplessly before lifting the phone and pressing a kiss right over Kimi’s face on the screen. “Look at you.”

A sudden burst of affection hit him and he gave the phone an aggressive shake. “Why are you so little?” he demanded at Kimi’s unsuspecting face. “Look at those little hands. Jesus Christ.” 

He squeezed the phone between his palms, making up for the fact that Kimi himself wasn’t there to squish. “I need to bite you,” he informed the picture seriously before kissing Kimi’s face again. “I’m never letting you leave again. I’m putting you in my pocket when you get back. That’s it.”

He kissed the picture once more for good measure, laughed quietly to himself, and unlocked his phone again.

You are so little | 11:35 PM

My tiny baby | 11:35 PM

Wanna put you in my pokcet | 11:35 PM

Annd keep you there forevr | 11:36 PM

There was movement from Kimi's side of the messages, which caught Ollie's eye. He looked down to find the typing bubble. Kimi was typing. Ollie gasped so loudly that someone nearby glanced over. He nearly dropped it in his rush to turn the screen towards himself.

“My boyfriend is texting me back!” Ollie announced to the stranger with the urgency of someone delivering breaking news.

The man blinked at him and didn’t say anything.

Ollie pressed a hand dramatically to his chest. “He left me. I haven’t seen him in months.”

The man gave him a cautious nod and turned away.

“Kimi!” Ollie announced delightedly to absolutely no one who cared, sitting up so quickly the world tilted around him. He clutched the phone in both hands, grinning down at Kimi’s name like it was the best thing he had seen all night.

Ollie stared at the typing bubble with drunken fascination.

Then it vanished.

“No, no, no. Come back!” he whispered urgently, tapping the screen to summon Kimi back through the sheer force of will.

The bubble reappeared.

Ollie made a tiny, victorious noise and immediately forgot the stranger beside him existed.

Kimi Baby❤️

ollie are you drunk | 11:36 PM

“He talked to me!” Ollie said happily, pressing the phone briefly against his chest before bringing it back down to answer.

ollie bear🐻

KIMIIIIII | 11:36 PM

You textd me back!!! | 11:36 PM

Hi baby❤️ | 11:36 PM

I missed you | 11:36 PM

Nooo | 11:36 PM

Maybe a littlel | 11:37 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

where are you | 11:37 PM

Ollie looked up at the bar behind him.

ollie bear🐻

Outside | 11:37 PM

Gabi isack and arvid kidnapped me | 11:38 PM

They made me go out | 11:38 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

i knew they were planning something | 11:38 PM

ollie bear🐻

YOU KNEW | 11:39 PM

Betrayel | 11:39 PM

From my own boyfriend | 11:39 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

you needed to leave the apartment bear | 11:40 PM

are you having fun? | 11:40 PM

Ollie's grin faded around the edges as he stared at the question.

ollie bear🐻

A little | 11:41 PM

Would be better if you were here | 11:41 PM

Everything is betetr when youre here | 11:42 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

i love you | 11:42 PM

ollie bear🐻

I love you more | 11:42 PM

So much more | 11:43 PM

My sweet boy | 11:43 PM

He leaned his head back against the wall again. The alcohol had stripped away whatever restraint he normally kept around the softer parts of himself, and now that he had started, he could not seem to stop.

You know youre my favortie person right | 11:44 PM

Favorite face | 11:44 PM

Favorite voice | 11:44 PM

Favorite eveything | 11:44 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

❤️ | 11:45 PM

ollie bear🐻

Thas not enough | 11:45 PM

Tell me somethign | 11:45 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

what do you want me to tell you? | 11:46 PM

ollie bear🐻

Tell me youre my baby | 11:46 PM

There was a pause long enough that Ollie began staring suspiciously at the typing bubble, thinking he was hallucinating it.

Kimi Baby❤️

i am your baby | 11:47 PM

ollie bear🐻

Yeah you are | 11:47 PM

My beautiful boy | 11:47 PM

I miss holding you | 11:48 PM

Ollie stared at the words after sending them and pressed his lips together.

I keep reaching for you | 11:48 PM

All the tiem | 11:48 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

i know bear | 11:49 PM

Ollie closed his eyes.

Kimi Baby❤️

i am coming back soon | 11:49 PM

He swallowed hard and opened them again.

ollie bear🐻

Promise? | 11:50 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

promise. | 11:50 PM

Ollie held the phone against his chest for a second. Then he looked down and started typing again.

ollie bear🐻

Good | 11:50 PM

Because i need cuddles | 11:51 PM

You owe me like five days wroth | 11:51 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

😂 | 11:51 PM

ollie bear🐻

This is seriosu | 11:52 PM

Mininimum five hours | 11:52 PM

Youre not allowed to move | 11:52 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

okay bear | 11:53 PM

five hours | 11:53 PM

Ollie smiled so hard his cheeks hurt.

ollie bear🐻

Drink wtaer | 11:53 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

you need water more than i do | 11:54 PM

ollie bear🐻

Bossy | 11:54 PM

You drink water anywya | 11:54 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

go drink water bear | 11:55 PM

Ollie sighed dramatically at his phone.

ollie bear🐻

Fine | 11:55 PM

Before he could put the phone away, another message came through.

Kimi Baby❤️

and go back inside with our friends | 11:55 PM

Ollie frowned.

ollie bear🐻

Do i have toooooooo | 11:56 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

yes | 11:56 PM

ollie bear🐻

Youre supposed to baby me when im sad | 11:56 PM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i am babying you | 11:57 PM

mio orsetto needs water and friends and then he can call me when he gets home |  11:57 PM

Ollie stared at the message for a second before slowly turning his head towards the plant beside him.

“Did you hear that?” he asked it, lifting the phone slightly. “He called me his mio orsetto.”

He leaned his head back against the wall with a stupidly pleased smile, eyes closing for a moment.

Then his eyes shot open and he turned back towards the plant.

“Oh, right, sorry. You don’t speak Italian.” He pursed his lips. “He called me his little bear.” His smile somehow got even wider. “Isn’t he just the bestest boy in the whole world?”

The plant, unsurprisingly, offered no opinion.

“Well, good. Don’t answer,” Ollie told it, narrowing his eyes possessively. “Because he’s mine.”

He looked back down at his phone.

ollie bear🐻

Youre very cute | 11:58 PM

I love you | 11:58 PM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i love you too ollie | 11:58 PM

Ollie finally pushed himself up off the floor and away from the wall and he made it two steps before turning back to the phone.

ollie bear🐻

Kimi | 11:59 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

yes? | 11:59 PM

ollie bear🐻

Really love you | 11:59 PM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

❤️ | 12:00 AM

Ollie headed back inside, still missing him, and still nowhere close to himself. But he was smiling now.

As he made his way back to the group, he sent one last text to Kimi before tucking the phone back into his pocket for good.

ollie bear🐻

Aand dont talk to any plants‼️‼️❌ | 12:03 AM

—

The fifth day began with Ollie deciding that Gabi, Isack and Arvid were never allowed to buy him alcohol again.

His head was pounding before he even opened his eyes, a deep constant throb behind his forehead that seemed to pulse in time with his heartbeat. He groaned and rolled onto his stomach, then immediately regretted the movement when his stomach gave an unpleasant little turn. For several seconds, he simply lay there with his face pressed into the pillow, trying to determine whether the desperate need for water was worth the physical effort of actually getting out of bed.

His mouth was dry, his neck hurt from sleeping at a strange angle, and one of his legs was hanging halfway off the mattress. At some point during the night, he had apparently kicked most of the blanket onto the floor, and the television was still glowing silently across the room because he had clearly lacked the coordination to turn it off before passing out.

Ollie shifted again and felt fabric pull tightly across his shoulders.

His eyes opened.

He was still wearing Kimi's hoodie. And he was stretching it out.

“Great.” Ollie muttered hoarsely, dragging one hand over his face before wincing at how much even that movement seemed to aggravate his headache.

His phone was lying beside his pillow. He must have fallen asleep with it in his hand before it eventually slipped free. Ollie stared at it suspiciously.

Then memories began returning. They came in pieces.

The bar, Gabi handing him drinks, Isack stealing his phone, Arvid sitting across from him with that strangely serious expression and saying those stupid words.

You seem pretty sad for a boy so in love.

Then the shots, the dancing, going outside because everything had suddenly become too loud.

Kimi.

Ollie's eyes closed again. “Oh, fuck.”

Another memory surfaced. And another. All the embarrassing texts he had sent to Kimi last night.

He pressed his face farther into the pillow. His brain was committed to making his morning as painful as possible.

You're so little. My tiny baby. Wanna put you in my pocket. And keep you there forever

Ollie dragged the pillow over the back of his head when he remembered the plant. “Jesus Christ.”

He remembered enough now to know that checking the messages would only make things worse, which was exactly why he reached for his phone anyway. The brightness stabbed directly through his skull when the screen lit up, and Ollie squinted until his eyes adjusted. Several notifications were waiting for him, but Kimi's name sat at the top.

Kimi Baby❤️

good morning drunk boy | 9:47 AM

you alive? | 10:02 AM

Ollie looked at the time. 10:16 AM.

ollie bear🐻

Unfortunately. | 10:16 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

😂😂😂😂 | 10:16 AM

Ollie frowned at the screen.

ollie bear🐻

Don't. | 10:17 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

wanna put you in my pocket??? 😂 | 10:17 AM

Ollie dropped the phone directly onto his face and the corner clipped his cheekbone. “Ow. Fuck.”

Against every instinct telling him not to, Ollie picked it up again and stared at the message with the wounded dignity of someone being forced to confront crimes committed by a much drunker version of himself.

ollie bear🐻

I hate you. | 10:18 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

no you REALLY love me apparently | 10:18 AM

Ollie's thumb stopped over the keyboard and he stared at the words for a little longer than he meant to. Even through the headache and the embarrassment crawling up the back of his neck, his mouth betrayed him by beginning to curve. Unfortunately, Kimi knew him far too well.

ollie bear🐻

Shut up. | 10:19 AM

Kimi Baby❤️

i love you too ollieee | 10:19 AM

drink water please | 10:19 AM

and what was that about plants?? | 10:21 AM

Ollie let out a long sigh and dropped his head back into the pillow. "What have I done to deserve this?"

It still took another ten minutes before Ollie finally forced himself upright. The room tilted unpleasantly for a few seconds, and he sat very still on the edge of the bed until everything settled again. Kimi's hoodie stretched awkwardly across his shoulders as he reached down and retrieved the blanket from the floor, then abandoned any attempt to straighten the bed once he remembered there was nobody there to complain about it.

Kimi would have taken one look at him and laughed first, obviously. He would have made some deeply unhelpful comment about Ollie's inability to handle alcohol, probably reminded him of every embarrassing message one by one just to watch him suffer, and then he would have softened the second Ollie looked miserable enough.

There would have been water waiting beside him, something bland to eat. Kimi would have climbed onto the bed anyway despite Ollie complaining that he felt sick and put his cold hand against Ollie's forehead like he had somehow acquired a medical degree overnight.

Ollie stood and immediately stopped thinking about that.

By early afternoon, three glasses of water, several painkillers, some toast and an unreasonable amount of time spent standing beneath cool water had returned him to something resembling a functioning human being. His headache had faded into a dull ache, his stomach had stopped threatening rebellion every time he moved, and he had changed out of Kimi's hoodie before he stretched it beyond repair and had to explain why.

He was sitting on the couch scrolling mindlessly through his phone when Kimi's name appeared again.

Kimi Baby❤️

going out with some friends today | 1:06 PM

from home | 1:06 PM

i have not seen some of them in forever | 1:07 PM

Ollie smiled. He knew exactly the sort of friends Kimi meant. People from before Formula 1 had rearranged his entire life. Kids he had gone to school with, raced karts with, grown up around. People who had known Kimi before the rest of the world had learned to recognize Antonelli. Kimi rarely got enough time with them anymore.

ollie bear🐻

Good. | 1:07 PM

Have fun baby. | 1:08 PM

And actually have fun. | 1:08 PM

Put your phone away for a while. | 1:08 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

you always tell me to put my phone away and then complain when i do not answer you | 1:09 PM

Ollie's mouth fell open slightly. The accusation was unfair. Mostly.

ollie bear🐻

That is extremely different. | 1:09 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

how | 1:09 PM

Ollie stared at the question. He had absolutely no answer that would survive even five seconds of scrutiny.

ollie bear🐻

It just is. | 1:10 PM

Kimi Baby❤️

😂😂 | 1:10 PM

Ollie rolled his eyes.

ollie bear🐻

Go see your friends, brat. | 1:10 PM

Kimi actually listened to him.

The next few hours passed without another message. Which was fine. It was good, actually.

Ollie had spent the entire week telling Kimi that he wanted him to enjoy being home. Kimi barely got enough time in Bologna anymore, and even when he did, something was always competing for his attention. His family wanted him. Friends wanted him. Mercedes wanted him. Sponsors wanted him.

Ollie wanted him.

Probably more than all of them combined, if the past four days were any indication.

So Kimi deserved a few uninterrupted hours where nobody expected anything from him.

Ollie didn't text.

At 2:47 PM, he opened their conversation and closed it again.

At 3:16 PM, he checked his notifications even though he knew perfectly well his phone had not buzzed.

At 3:52 PM, he opened the conversation again, then he locked his phone and set it beside him.

This was ridiculous. He was the one who had told Kimi to put his phone away.

Twenty minutes later, the phone was back in his hand.

Ollie opened their conversation again, stared at the empty message bar, then pressed his thumb against the little microphone.

“Hi, baby.” he began quietly, leaning his head back against the couch. “I just wanted to—”

He stopped. The recording continued counting up.

Ollie furrowed his eyebrows. He just wanted to what? Tell Kimi something? Nothing had happened. There was no funny story he needed to share, no question he wanted answered and nothing remotely urgent enough to justify interrupting one of the few afternoons Kimi had gotten to spend with people he barely saw anymore.

Ollie looked at the waveform on the screen. “Fuck.” he whispered under his breath. He released the button. The unfinished voice note sat there waiting to be sent.

Hi, baby. I just wanted to—

Ollie deleted it.

He didn't want anything from Kimi. He just wanted him.

Ollie wanted Kimi sitting on the opposite end of the couch with his feet shoved underneath Ollie's thigh because they were cold. He wanted Kimi talking about something Ollie only half understood while scrolling through his phone. He wanted him walking through the room and touching Ollie's shoulder for absolutely no reason on the way past. He wanted to hear him opening cupboards in the kitchen and calling Ollie's name from three rooms away because walking ten steps to ask a question was unreasonable. He wanted Kimi's presence. Nothing more complicated than that.

Ollie rubbed his thumb slowly across Kimi's name at the top of the screen before locking the phone again.

“Leave him alone.” he muttered to himself, shoving it beneath his thigh so he would stop reaching for it.

Kimi was happy and that mattered more.

So Ollie left him alone.

It was almost six when his phone finally buzzed.

Ollie grabbed it quickly enough that he refused to examine what that said about him.

Kimi had sent a photograph.

Five boys were squeezed around a table somewhere in Bologna, plates and half empty glasses scattered between them. Kimi was in the middle, shoulder pressed against one friend while another leaned in from behind him, and his grin was wide and his eyes had gone crinkled at the corners.

Ollie stared at the picture. His chest hurt. But it was a good kind of hurt this time. Mostly.

He zoomed in on Kimi's face before zooming back out when he realized what he was doing. He saved the picture anyway.

ollie bear🐻

There's my pretty boy.❤️ | 5:58 PM

Looks like you're having fun. | 5:58 PM

Kimi hearted both messages.

Ollie waited.

The typing bubble appeared, disappeared, then returned.

Kimi Baby❤️

i am | 5:59 PM

miss you though | 5:59 PM

Ollie sank farther into the couch.

ollie bear🐻

Miss you too. | 6:00 PM

Go back to your friends. | 6:00 PM

Ollie watched the screen until Kimi hearted the final message.

—

The worst moment happened on night five.

Ollie had a very difficult day.

Nothing catastrophic happened, and there was no single disaster he could point towards afterward. It was simply one of those days where every small inconvenience seemed to arrive at once until, by the end of it, his patience had been worn down into something thin and fragile.

Usually, he would come home, and Kimi would know.

That was the strange thing about him. Kimi could be spectacularly oblivious about certain things, but when it came to Ollie, he noticed everything. Ollie did not always have to explain. Sometimes Kimi would look at him for three seconds and immediately know something was wrong.

If Ollie said nothing, Kimi came closer, if Ollie insisted he was fine, Kimi climbed onto him.

Eventually Ollie would end up lying on the couch with Kimi sprawled over his chest, one hand moving absently through Kimi's curls while whatever frustration had been following him all day slowly drained away. Kimi did not always try to fix it. Most of the time he just stayed there, warm and heavy against Ollie's body, occasionally pressing a kiss against his chest or slipping his fingers beneath Ollie's shirt to rub slow circles over his side.

That night, Ollie opened the apartment door and stepped into silence. He stood there longer than necessary with one hand still wrapped around the handle, listening to absolutely nothing.

For the past five days, the emptiness had been mildly irritating and increasingly uncomfortable. He hated it. Tonight, he couldn't take it anymore.

He dropped his keys into the bowl beside the door harder than he meant to and kicked off his shoes without bothering to straighten them. His shoulders ached. His head hurt. He had barely eaten since lunch, and the idea of making dinner felt exhausting enough that he ignored the kitchen.

Usually, Kimi would already be coming towards him by now.

Ollie could picture it without trying. Kimi appearing from somewhere deeper inside the apartment in one of Ollie's shirts, immediately taking one look at his face and abandoning whatever he had been doing. 'Bad day?' He would ask.

Ollie swallowed and continued towards the bedroom.

His phone was in his pocket.

He knew Kimi was asleep.

They had spoken earlier, and Kimi had sounded exhausted enough that Ollie had practically ordered him to go to bed. Kimi had another early morning, and Ollie had made him promise not to stay awake waiting for him.

At the time, that had seemed sensible.

Now Ollie regretted it.

He changed without turning on the overhead light, tugging on sweatpants and an old shirt before dropping onto the edge of the mattress. For several minutes, he sat hunched forward with his elbows against his knees, staring at the floor between his feet.

Ollie had never realized how many sounds Kimi made simply by existing nearby. Cupboards opening in the kitchen while he cooked. Bare feet against the floor. The shower running. Kimi singing an old Italian song his mom had taught him from somewhere in the apartment, occasionally stopping halfway through a verse to call out a question to Ollie without bothering to come find him.

There was none of it now.

Ollie reached behind himself and dragged Kimi's pillow into his lap. He had stopped feeling embarrassed about doing that sometime around the third night. The pillow still carried the faintest trace of Kimi's shampoo if Ollie pressed his face close enough, and tonight he did exactly that. He bent forward, buried his nose against the pillowcase and inhaled.

Barely anything. Ollie frowned and tried again. It was fading. Something unpleasant twisted beneath his ribs, but he ignored it and dropped the pillow beside him.

He needed a shower, food, and sleep. Probably in that order. Instead, Ollie stayed sitting there until his phone lit up with a notification. For one stupid second, his heart jumped because he thought it was Kimi.

It wasn't.

Ollie locked the screen without answering and tossed the phone onto the bed.

He finally showered, standing under water much hotter than he normally used until his skin had gone pink. He ate half a piece of toast in the kitchen because it required almost no effort, drank some water directly from the glass while standing at the counter, then carried another full glass back to the bedroom.

By the time he climbed beneath the blankets, it was after midnight.

Ollie put something on the television mostly because he could not stand the silence anymore. He kept the volume low and stared at the screen without absorbing any of it, his body gradually sinking farther into the mattress.

His phone stayed beside him.

Kimi's contact remained near the top of his messages and Ollie opened it twice. Both times, he stopped himself from sending anything. Kimi needed sleep. Ollie was fine. He had been telling Kimi that for days.

Eventually, his eyes started getting heavy. Ollie rolled onto his side and reached automatically for the glass of water on the nightstand without looking. His fingers caught the rim instead and the glass tipped. Cold water spilled across the nightstand, down the side of the mattress and directly over the empty half of the bed.

“Fuck.” Ollie muttered, jerking upright as he grabbed the glass before the rest could spill. He switched on the lamp. Water had soaked straight through Kimi's pillowcase and spread across the fitted sheet beneath it.

Then irritation surged through him all at once. “Of course.” Ollie snapped, dragging both hands down his face before throwing the blankets back.

It was such a stupid thing. It was just water.

He stripped the pillowcase off first and tossed it towards the laundry basket. The fitted sheet followed, Ollie roughly yanking the corners free while muttering curses every time one caught beneath the mattress.

By the time he had everything off, his breathing was heavier from frustration. He grabbed fresh sheets, clean pillowcases and a dry blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later, the bed was remade. Ollie stood beside it and stared. Everything was clean, neat, fresh, and wrong.

His attention went to Kimi's pillow. The clean pillowcase smelled like detergent. Ollie picked it up and brought it to his face anyway. Nothing. He tried the sheet, nothing. The blanket, nothing.

Every faint trace of Kimi that had still been left in the bed was sitting in a wet pile beside the laundry basket.

Ollie sat down slowly on the edge of the mattress, his heart giving one heavy beat, then another.

He inhaled, but the breath stopped too high in his chest. Ollie frowned and tried again, but the second one was worse.

He put his hand flat against his sternum. “Come on...” he mumbled to himself, rubbing hard over the center of his chest while he tried to force in a deeper breath but it wouldn't come.

The room suddenly felt too warm.

Ollie stood again, thinking movement might help, but the moment he got to his feet, his heart started beating faster.

He walked to the window and cracked it open, a nice summer breeze touched his face but it did nothing.

Ollie gripped the windowsill with both hands and lowered his head. He knew what was happening.

There was nothing wrong... nothing had happened... Kimi was safe. Ollie had spoken to him only a few hours earlier. He would speak to him again in the morning. He would see him the next day after.

His body did not seem interested in any of those facts. He could suddenly feel every mile between them.

Kimi was not in the bathroom, he was not in the kitchen, he was not going to walk through the bedroom door, Ollie could not cross the apartment and find him asleep on the couch, he could not climb into bed and pull Kimi against him, he could not put Kimi's hand against his chest and let the familiar touch settle him.

Kimi was not there.

Ollie pushed away from the window and paced once across the bedroom. His breathing had turned shallow now, each inhale coming faster than the last. 

He reached for Kimi's hoodie from the chair and pulled it against his chest but it didn't help. Ollie pressed his face into it and realized the smell was faint there too.

His stomach dropped. “No, no, no!” Ollie squeezed his eyes shut while he clutched the hoodie harder. He hated how desperate the sound of his own voice was. His hands had started shaking.

Ollie sat down on the floor beside the bed because standing felt difficult. He pulled his knees up, still holding Kimi's hoodie against his chest, and tried to breathe the way he knew he was supposed to. Slow, in through his nose, out through his mouth, but his lungs refused to cooperate.

The harder he tried, the more aware he became that Kimi was not there to help him and then that thought sent another rush of panic through him.

Ollie's hand went automatically towards the mattress, reaching for someone who had not been there for five nights. His fingers closed around nothing.

Something inside him cracked and he grabbed his phone. The screen blurred slightly when he unlocked it, and Ollie blinked hard until Kimi's name came into focus.

2:17 AM. Kimi was asleep. Ollie knew he was asleep.

His thumb hovered over the call button while another shaky breath caught painfully beneath his ribs.

He shouldn't wake him. He could get through this himself. He had spent five days insisting he could.

So Ollie lowered the phone. His chest seized again and he brought it straight back up. For another few seconds, he only stared at Kimi's contact while his hand shook around the phone.

Then Ollie pressed call.

The ringing filled Ollie's ear. For one panicked second, he nearly hung up. His thumb moved towards the screen, guilt cutting through the pressure in his chest when he remembered how tired Kimi had sounded earlier and how firmly Ollie himself had told him to sleep.

Before he could end the call, the ringing stopped.

“Pronto?” Kimi mumbled, the Italian barely more than a sleepy breath as fabric rustled softly on the other end of the line.

Ollie's mouth opened but nothing came out.

He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the phone harder against his ear, trying to force anything through the tightness in his throat. Kimi's voice should have helped. He had called because he needed to hear it, because some irrational part of him had become convinced that hearing Kimi would make his body understand that everything was okay.

Instead, hearing him made Ollie's chest hurt so much worse. Kimi was there... his Kimi was there. And Ollie wanted him so badly that another breath caught halfway into his lungs.

A small sleepy sound came through the phone. "Hm?" Kimi shifted beneath his blankets, still not fully awake, and Ollie could hear the faint scrape of fabric against the microphone.

Ollie tried to speak again but a broken inhale escaped.

The rustling stopped and there was a pause, followed by more movement as Kimi apparently pushed himself upright. Ollie heard sheets being thrown back, something bump softly against the bedside table and then the little click of a lamp being switched on.

“Oliver?” Kimi called, sleep disappearing from his voice as concern took its place.

Ollie broke. The first sob tore out of him before he could cover it. He bent forward until his forehead nearly touched his knees, one hand clutching Kimi's hoodie against his chest while the other held the phone so tightly his fingers hurt. He tried to swallow the sound down, horrified by how quickly he had lost control, but another sob followed before he could recover from the first.

“Ollie?” Kimi called again, louder now, and Ollie heard him moving around on the other end. "Talk to me. What is wrong?” Kimi's words came quickly while Ollie struggled to pull enough air into his chest to answer.

“I—” Ollie managed before his voice collapsed underneath another sob. Ollie pressed his fist against his mouth, but he could not stop crying now. Everything he had held down for five days seemed determined to come out at the same time, every miserable morning, every empty room, every automatic reach across the bed and every moment he had opened Kimi's messages because it was the closest thing he had to touching him.

His shoulders shook hard and he had to brace himself against the side of the bed.

“I am here, bear. You do not have to talk. Just breathe for me.”

Ollie shook his head against his knees. “I can't,” he choked out, wiping at his face with the heel of his hand before another tear immediately replaced the last one. “I can't fucking breathe.”

“Yes, you can,” Kimi reassured him, speaking slowly while Ollie listened to his breathing through the phone. “Do it with me. You do not have to make it big. Just little ones first.”

Ollie tried, he really did. His inhale came in broken pieces and Kimi breathed again, very loudly for Ollie to hear and Ollie followed as best he could.

It took several attempts before his lungs stopped fighting him quite so violently, but the crying did not ease with it. If anything, being able to breathe gave his feelings more room to come out.

“I miss you.” Ollie finally got out.

Kimi inhaled softly on the other end. “I know, bear.” 

The nickname wrapped itself around Ollie so gently that another sob escaped him.

“No, you don't,” Ollie cried, shaking his head even though Kimi could not see him. “You don't know because I haven't fucking told you.”

The words just came faster after that.

“I've been lying to you,” Ollie admitted, dragging his hand roughly beneath his eyes while his breathing hitched again. “Every time you asked me if I was okay, I lied.”

Kimi did not interrupt.

“I kept telling you I was fine because I thought I would be,” Ollie continued, “I genuinely thought I'd be okay. I thought I'd miss you and it'd be shit for a couple days and then I'd get used to it because it's one week, Kimi. It's one fucking week. Normal people can do that.”

His grip tightened around the hoodie. “But I'm not okay,” Ollie confessed, bowing his head again as tears dropped onto the fabric bunched against his chest. “I'm really not okay.”

“Ollie—” Kimi began softly, but Ollie was too far gone to stop now.

“I hate it here without you!” Ollie cried, pressing the hoodie against his mouth for a second before dragging in another shaking breath. “I hate waking up without you. I hate coming back here and you're not waiting for me. I hate going to bed because you're not there, and I keep fucking reaching for you.” His words dissolved into another sob.

Kimi kept breathing through the phone for him and Ollie clung to that.

“I keep thinking you're somewhere in the apartment,” Ollie continued once he could speak again, staring through blurred eyes at the empty doorway across the bedroom. “I wake up and think you're in the bathroom. I hear something and think it's you in the kitchen. I come through the door after a bad day and for one second I expect you to come find me, and then I remember you're not here.”

His face crumpled again.

“And tonight I ruined your fucking pillow!” Ollie cried, the sentence sounding so absurd that under any other circumstances he probably would have laughed.

There was a small pause.

“My pillow?” Kimi asked carefully, confusion slipping into his voice while Ollie rubbed both hands over his face.

“I spilled water everywhere,” Ollie explained, struggling through another uneven breath. “I had to change everything, and the clean stuff doesn't smell like you.”

Ollie stared down at the hoodie in his lap. “Your pillow barely smelled like you anymore anyway,” he admitted miserably. “And your hoodie doesn't either, and I know that's fucking insane, but I just wanted something that still felt like you were here.”

“Ollie...” Kimi breathed, and his voice sounded dangerously close to tears now too.

“Ho bisogno di te, Andrea. (I need you,)” Ollie whispered. “I need you so fucking badly right now,” Ollie closed his eyes as another tear slipped down his cheek. “I just want you here. I want you in bed with me. I want to hold you. I want you to put your stupid cold feet on me and steal all the blankets and talk when I'm trying to sleep. I don't even care. I just need you.”

“I will come home,” Kimi offered shakily, movement exploding through the phone as he threw his blankets aside. “I-I can get dressed and look at flights right now! If I leave as soon as—”

“No.” Ollie cut him off, lifting his head so quickly that his back hit the side of the mattress.

Kimi stopped moving.

“No, absolutely not.” Ollie continued, wiping his face as he tried to pull himself together enough to make Kimi understand. “You're not getting on a plane at two in the morning because I'm crying.”

“If you need me, then I am coming,” Kimi tried to leave no room for an argument. As another drawer opened in the background, Ollie heard Kimi sniffle.

“No!” Ollie panicked. “Kimi, stop. Please. Please don't make me feel guilty for calling you,” he whispered, his voice falling apart again. “I didn't call because I wanted you to fix it. I just needed you.”

Kimi's next breath shook. “You never have to feel guilty for calling me. Not ever.”

“I told you not to worry about me.” Ollie swallowed against the ache in his throat.

“I was already worried about you! You have been different all week.” the words came with a frustration that sounded more frightened than angry. “Do you think I do not notice you, Oliver? I know you. I know when something is wrong, even when you are trying very hard to make me believe it is not.”

“I thought I was hiding it better than that.”

“You were not hiding it from me.” Kimi’s voice softened, and Ollie heard the faint creak of his mattress as Kimi sat back down. “I knew you were missing me. I just did not know it hurt you this much.”

“I didn't know either,” he admitted, pressing his forehead into his knees again. “I thought I could handle it.”

“You don't have to handle everything by yourself,” Kimi murmured, and Ollie heard the gentle click of something being adjusted near the phone. “You have me.”

Ollie let out a small, broken laugh.

“You're hundreds of miles away.” he whispered, wiping another tear from the corner of his eye.

“I know.” Kimi did not try to argue with him. “And I hate that I am."

Ollie squeezed his eyes shut, another tear slipping free. There was nothing Kimi could do from Bologna to make the empty side of his bed in Monaco warm again, nothing that could replace the weight of him curled against Ollie’s chest or the familiar press of cold feet against his legs. But Kimi was there in the only way he could be right now, his breathing soft through the speaker, refusing to let Ollie be alone.

Neither of them said anything else for a while.

Ollie listened to Kimi breathe, and Kimi listened to him cry. The intensity started to drain out of their bodies, leaving them both exhausted.

“Can you get into bed for me?” Kimi asked eventually.

Ollie looked towards the freshly made bed. “I don't want to.” he admitted, staring at the clean pillowcase that had started all of this.

“Why?” Kimi kept his tone gentle while Ollie picked nervously at the skin around his thumb.

“It doesn't feel like our bed anymore.” Ollie whispered.

Kimi thought about that for a few seconds. “Then make it ours again.”

Ollie looked down at the fabric he was still clutching.

“Do you remember the cologne I left there?” Kimi asked, and when Ollie gave a quiet hum of confirmation, Kimi continued. “It should still be on the dresser. Spray some on my pillow.”

Ollie glanced towards the little glass bottle sitting among his things. “Your pillow?”

“Yes, my pillow,” Kimi said softly. “And do not make it neat afterward. I never leave it neat.”

That pulled the faintest breath of laughter from Ollie.

Kimi sounded relieved to hear it. “Mess up the blankets too. You always complain that I destroy them anyway, so let me destroy them from Bologna.”

Ollie finally pushed himself away from the side of the mattress.

“And put something of mine over there,” Kimi continued as Ollie crossed the room. “A shirt. One of my hoodies. Whatever you have.”

Ollie looked down at the fabric he was still clutching and realized he had been holding Kimi’s hoodie against his chest for nearly the entire phone call.

“I have your hoodie.” he whispered.

“That is perfect.” Kimi's answer came without hesitation. “Put it on my side.”

Ollie laid the hoodie across the pillow before reaching for the cologne. He hesitated with his finger over the nozzle, then sprayed it once against the pillowcase.

The scent reached him instantly and Ollie's eyes closed. For one painful second, it was enough to trick some primitive part of his brain into expecting Kimi to be there when he turned around.

“Andrea...” Ollie kept his eyes shut because opening them meant losing him again.

“I know.” Kimi whispered. “I know, bear.”

Ollie sprayed it once more.

“And take the phone. Put me on my side.”

Ollie climbed carefully onto the mattress and set his phone against Kimi's pillow, propping it where Kimi's head would normally be. He tugged the perfectly tucked comforter loose next, ruining the sharp hotel like fold until it pooled messily between them.

“Better?” Kimi asked.

Ollie stared at the phone resting beside Kimi's hoodie, surrounded by the familiar scent of his cologne.

“A little.” he admitted.

“Bene. Now lie down next to me.”

Ollie lowered himself onto the mattress slowly, turning towards the phone until he was lying in the same position he usually slept in when Kimi was beside him. His head settled against his own pillow, but one arm immediately reached across the space between them and curled around Kimi's hoodie, gathering the soft fabric against his chest.

Kimi switched the call to FaceTime and Ollie hesitated before accepting it, not wanting Kimi to see him like this, but he clicked accept anyway purely because he desperately needed to see Kimi's face.

Kimi didn’t make a big deal out of it. He just smiled when he saw Ollie’s face, his sharp canines poking out as he watched him through the screen. “There. That is better, no?” he asked, pulling his blanket up beneath his chin as his eyes followed every small movement Ollie made.

Ollie breathed in through his nose, catching the cologne from the pillow again. It still wasn't enough to fool him now, but with Kimi's face glowing softly from the phone and his voice filling the room, the bed no longer felt quite so empty. “Yeah, baby. It's better.” he admitted, rubbing his cheek into the pillow while his fingers stayed tangled in Kimi's hoodie.

Kimi's shoulders visibly relaxed beneath his blankets. “Good. You stay there with me now.” he instructed, settling farther into his own pillow until only his face and a mess of curls remained visible above the covers.

Ollie's bottom lip quivered a bit when he noticed Kimi's wet eyes. “Wasn't planning on going anywhere.” he whispered, pulling the hoodie closer and resting part of it beneath his chin.

For a while, Kimi simply looked at him. Ollie's eyes were swollen and red, his cheeks still damp in places, and every few breaths his chest gave a small involuntary hitch left over from crying. Kimi seemed to notice each one.

“Your breathing is still funny,” Kimi mumbled, tracing one fingertip idly over the edge of his phone while he kept his eyes on Ollie. “Can you breathe with me again?”

Ollie nodded and adjusted himself closer to the phone. “Okay, baby. Show me how.” he whispered, watching Kimi take a slow breath through his nose.

Kimi exaggerated the next inhale just enough for Ollie to follow it, his chest rising beneath the blanket before he let the air out slowly. Ollie copied him, the first breath catching halfway through before he tried again. By the eighth, his lungs finally stopped fighting him.

He reached towards the phone instead, letting his fingertips rest against the edge of the screen near Kimi's face. “Sorry I woke you.” 

“Do not apologize for needing me,” Kimi told him, rubbing one sleepy eye. “Especially when you have spent five days pretending you do not.”

Ollie winced faintly and dropped his eyes to the fabric in his hand. “I really thought I was doing a convincing job.” he admitted, picking at one of the seams with his thumbnail.

“I wish you had told me.” Kimi rubbed his thumb along his own pillowcase, both of them substituting the comfort they usually gave each other through touch with whatever they could reach instead.

Ollie's fingers tightened around the hoodie. “I didn't want you thinking I couldn't handle being away from you.”

Kimi stayed quiet for a moment before tilting his head. “Why would that make me think less of you?” 

“Because it's one week, Kimi. I knew I'd miss you, obviously, but this…” He paused and looked around at the state of their bed. “This is a little pathetic.”

Kimi's eyes moved over everything Ollie had arranged around himself before coming back to his face. “I think it is very sweet,” he reached towards his own screen until one fingertip rested over the place Ollie's cheek appeared. “And maybe a little dramatic.”

Ollie let out a surprised laugh, the first one that did not hurt coming out. “Fuck you.” he mumbled, dragging the comforter higher while Kimi's quiet laughter came through the speaker.

Ollie held his gaze. “I really do need you,” he confessed again now that the words no longer scared him. “More than I thought I did.”

Kimi's hand remained near the phone. “Then need me,” he whispered, his eyelids beginning to droop again. “You are allowed.”

Ollie pulled Kimi's hoodie beneath his cheek and closed his eyes for a second, breathing in the cologne lingering across the pillow. “What if I'm unbearable when you get back?” he asked, opening his eyes again to find Kimi still watching him.

Kimi gave a sleepy little shrug beneath the blanket. “You already told me I am not allowed to move for five hours.” he reminded him, rubbing his nose against the edge of his pillow.

“Five hours was before tonight,” Ollie finally managed a faint grin. “Terms have changed.”

Kimi's eyes brightened. “How many now?” he asked, fighting a yawn that made the last word stretch.

“Mmm. Twenty four.” Ollie decided.

Kimi's mouth fell open slightly. “Dio mio. I have to eat.” 

“I'll feed you.” Ollie shrugged.

“I have to shower.” 

“I'll come with you.” Ollie countered.

“I have to use the bathroom?” Kimi tested how far Ollie intended to take this.

Ollie paused for the first time. “You can have three minutes of privacy.” he allowed, holding up three fingers beside his face.

Kimi laughed softly into his pillow and reached up to wrap his hand around the corner of his phone. “So generous." his eyes closed briefly before fluttering open again.

Ollie watched the sleep pull at him and felt guilt stir again. “You can sleep, baby,” he whispered, “I'm okay now.”

Kimi's eyes opened a little wider. “Are you sure?” he asked, studying Ollie's face carefully.

Ollie looked down at the hoodie beneath his cheek, breathed in Kimi's cologne, then looked at his boy on the screen.

“I'm not completely okay,” Ollie admitted, letting the truth sit there. “But I don't feel like I can't breathe anymore.”

Kimi nodded slowly against his pillow. "Okay." he relaxed again now that Ollie had given him an answer he believed.

“Will you stay on the phone with me tonight?” Ollie asked.

“Sempre. (Always.)” 

—

What Ollie did not know was that Kimi changed his return plans the next morning.

His original flight wouldn’t have brought him home until the following night, but after hearing Ollie break down on the phone and admit just how badly the separation had been affecting him, Kimi could not stomach the idea of making him spend another full night alone if there was any way around it.

The previous night's call had deeply unsettled him. Ollie had sounded devastated in a way Kimi had never heard before, stripped of every joke and every easy reassurance he had been using all week to convince Kimi he was fine. Hearing him admit that he had been lying, that he had been waiting for his messages, sleeping with his clothes and struggling to breathe without him there had left Kimi with a sick, helpless feeling in his chest ever since.

Ollie had always been the steady one between them. He was the one who reached for Kimi first when things became too much for the Italian, the one who knew how to pull him out of his own head, the one who could make a bad day feel smaller just by wrapping both arms around him and keeping him there. Even when Ollie was upset, there was usually something controlled about it. He joked through things. He used humor and sarcasm to cope. He reassured Kimi. He made himself sound fine long before he actually was.

Kimi had known Ollie missed him. Of course he had. They both did terribly with distance, even when Ollie tried to pretend otherwise. Maybe that was the stupidest part of all of it. They had the same job, they traveled to the same countries, showed up at the same circuits, competed against each other on the same track, lived out of the same hotels for most of the year, and spent nearly every race weekend within walking distance of each other. Formula 1 kept them together so constantly that being apart felt unnatural.

Lonely. That was the word he kept coming back to. Kimi had never really thought of Ollie as lonely before. How could he be? Kimi was always there. He was in Ollie’s bed, in his clothes, in his kitchen, in the passenger seat, on his phone, in every part of his routine. Kimi had filled so much of Ollie’s life that the idea of Ollie sitting in the apartment by himself had always seemed temporary, almost harmless.

Kimi had spent the rest of the night half asleep, half listening to Ollie breathe through the phone, waking every so often just to make sure the call was still connected. Each time Kimi surfaced from sleep, there was a brief, awful second where he forgot why his phone was tucked against his pillow and why his chest felt so tight. Then he would hear Ollie breathing softly through the speaker and remember everything at once.

Kimi checked the screen every time. He would lie there in the dark and listen for another minute, counting Ollie’s breaths without meaning to, waiting until he was certain they were slow and even before allowing his own eyes to close again. Once, Ollie let out a small whimper in his sleep and Kimi was instantly awake, pushing himself onto one elbow with his heart pounding.

“Ollie?” he whispered, afraid to speak too loudly in case he woke him unnecessarily. There was no answer, only a quiet exhale through the phone, but Kimi stayed awake anyway. Every change in his breathing had Kimi listening harder, trying to decide if Ollie was waking up, crying again, or slipping into another restless dream.

He knew Ollie was safe. He knew Ollie was asleep in their bed. He knew there was nothing he could do from hundreds of miles away except stay on the phone. But it didn’t feel like enough.

He slept in fragments, waking again and again throughout the night, whispering Ollie’s name once or twice when the silence scared him and relaxing only when Ollie shifted or sighed in response. Kimi couldn’t have said whether he had slept for twenty minutes or four hours. He only knew the call had never disconnected. And neither had he.

By morning, Kimi had already made up his mind. He checked flights before he even got properly out of bed, sitting beneath the blankets with his hair still a mess and his phone balanced in one hand. The moment he realized he could get home earlier, there had never really been a decision to make.

Kimi booked himself onto a commercial flight without telling Ollie. It was the earliest flight home he could find. He considered it for maybe thirty seconds, thumb hovering over their messages, but the idea of seeing Ollie’s face when he walked in was enough to stop him. Ollie had spent the entire week pretending he was fine so Kimi would not worry. Kimi could give him one thing back.

He could come home before Ollie expected him. More than that, he could make sure Ollie did not have to ask.

—

Kimi had been very pleased with his plan until he realized there was one fairly significant flaw in it.

Ollie was obsessed with checking his location ever since he left.

There was absolutely no chance Kimi could drive to the airport, get on a plane, and travel all the way back to Monaco without Ollie noticing. An international escape attempt was definitely going to attract his attention.

So Kimi cheated. Before leaving Bologna that morning, he set the iPad that normally lived beside his childhood bed as the device sharing his location and left it plugged into its charger on the nightstand.

It felt mildly criminal... but it also worked beautifully.

Kimi had checked twice on the way to the airport, irrationally terrified Ollie would somehow sense that he was up to something from several hundred miles away.

Kimi felt his phone buzz twice in his hand while he was boarding the plane, squeezed into the slow moving line of passengers inching their way down the aisle. He did not need to look to know who it was. The timing alone gave Ollie away.

Still, he glanced down.

ollie bear🐻

Morning:) | 9:10 AM

Another one followed before Kimi had even reached his row.

ollie bear🐻

You awake? | 9:16 AM

He had barely clicked his seatbelt into place when the phone started vibrating again, this time continuously.

Kimi looked down and immediately winced.

ollie bear🐻 — Incoming FaceTime Call

“Oh, no.” he whispered under his breath.

For one terrible second, his thumb hovered over the green button on instinct. He could already picture Ollie’s face appearing on the screen, probably still half asleep, hair everywhere, expecting their usual morning call.

Guilt twisted unpleasantly in Kimi’s stomach. He wanted to answer. More than that, he wanted to press the FaceTime button and watch Ollie's whole face change when he appeared. But Ollie knew him far too well. Ollie would hear it somehow. In Kimi’s voice, in the way he was trying too hard not to sound excited, in some stupid little pause when Ollie asked what he was doing that morning. And even if Kimi somehow managed to lie convincingly, there was absolutely no hiding the unmistakable background noise of an airplane full of people shoving bags into overhead compartments.

Before he could lose his nerve, he pressed decline and the call disappeared. Kimi stared at the screen in horror.

Missed FaceTime call from ollie bear🐻

Almost immediately, three little dots appeared beneath it and Kimi sank lower in his seat.

ollie bear🐻

Did you just decline me??? | 9:21 AM

Please don’t ignore me. :( | 9:22 AM

Kimi sent his carefully prepared excuse from his seat.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

sorry 😭 | 9:22 AM

cannot talk this morning | 9:22 AM

busy with my papà | 9:22 AM

i will call you later i promise | 9:23 AM

The second the messages went through, Kimi switched his phone to airplane mode and shoved it into the seat pocket in front of him before he could change his mind.

If the phone stayed in his hand, he knew himself well enough to know he would keep checking it despite the fact that nothing new could come through. He would reread Ollie’s messages until the guilt became unbearable, turn airplane mode off just to see if Ollie had answered, and probably ruin the entire surprise before they had even left the ground.

So he pushed the phone deeper into the pocket and sat back, folding his arms tightly across his chest hoping that might stop him from reaching for it.

He felt awful. Kimi hated lying to Ollie, even for this. Especially after what happened last night.

After listening to Ollie cry through the phone. After hearing him apologize for missing Kimi too much, like loving him and wanting him home were things he needed to be sorry for. After spending half the night listening to Ollie breathe because neither of them had wanted to be the one to hang up.

And now, less than eight hours later, Kimi had declined his call and lied directly to him.

Kimi grimaced at the seat in front of him. 

He closed his eyes and pictured Monaco. Their apartment. The elevator carrying him up. Standing outside their door knowing Ollie was on the other side with absolutely no idea that Kimi was only a few feet away.

And then Ollie opening it.

Kimi could already see his face. The way Ollie would probably just stare at him for a second, completely stunned, like his brain had stopped working. Then his eyes would go wide and his mouth would fall open, and Kimi knew he would barely get his name out before Ollie was across the doorway and pulling him into his arms. More than anything, he just wanted to be with Ollie again.

That was the thought that got Kimi through the flight.

Because tonight there would be no phone balanced against a pillow between them. No FaceTime call running until one of their batteries threatened to die. No whispered ‘I miss you’ from hundreds of miles away and no waking up reaching towards an empty side of the bed.

Tonight, Kimi would be back with l’amore della sua vita—the love of his life—exactly where he belonged.

—

The plane finally rolled to a stop at the gate, and a few minutes later, a soft chime sounded overhead as the seatbelt sign switched off.

The cabin came alive around Kimi. People stood and reached for bags before the doors had even opened, filling the aisle with the scrape of luggage and impatient shuffling, but Kimi barely noticed any of it.

His hand was already reaching for the seat pocket. He pulled out his phone and switched off airplane mode.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then his phone vibrated. And vibrated again... and again...

Kimi’s eyes widened as notifications began flooding across the screen faster than he could read them, Ollie’s name appearing over and over until his lock screen was entirely covered by messages.

Kimi swallowed against another stab of guilt and opened their conversation.

ollie bear🐻

Oh, okay :( | 9:27 AM

Have fun with your dad.❤️ | 9:27 AM

Tell him I said hi. | 9:29 AM

Are you okay though? | 9:41 AM

You seemed okay last night but I just want to make sure. | 9:42 AM

You're not upset with me about last night, are you? | 9:47 AM

I'm sorry if I put too much on you. I know I woke you up and completely lost it. | 9:55 AM

I didn't mean to make you worry or make you feel like you had to fix anything. | 9:56 AM

Kimi wanted to call him immediately. He wanted to hear his voice, tell him he had nothing to apologize for, remind him that Kimi had meant every word when he told him he could call whenever he needed him.

But Kimi was still sitting on an airplane.

The cabin around him was full of voices, seatbelts clicking open, overhead bins being pulled down and the low mechanical hum that Ollie would recognize in seconds. Even if Kimi managed to hide the noise, Ollie knew his voice too well. Kimi would never make it through a conversation without Ollie noticing something was different.

So he kept reading.

ollie bear🐻

Baby? | 10:36 AM

I know you're busy but can you just tell me you're okay when you see this? | 11:04 AM

This was much harder than he had anticipated.

And there was also the airport. Announcements would be echoing through the terminal beyond the plane, mixed with the muffled rumble of suitcase wheels rolling over the terminal floor.

Ollie would hear five seconds of it and know.

So Kimi forced himself to type instead.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i am okay bear❤️ | 11:08 AM

sorry | 11:08 AM

everything is good | 11:08 AM

Kimi hesitated, then added another few messages before Ollie could convince himself of anything worse.

and no i am not upset with you | 11:09 AM

not even a little bit | 11:09 AM

i meant what i said last night | 11:10 AM

ollie bear🐻

Okay. | 11:10 AM

Sorry. I think I just got in my head when you declined the call. | 11:10 AM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i know | 11:11 AM

you are okay | 11:11 AM

i love you very very much | 11:11 AM

Ollie's response appeared before Kimi had even unbuckled his seatbelt.

ollie bear🐻 

I love you too. | 11:11 AM

Call me when you're free? I miss you. | 11:12 AM

Kimi bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling too obviously while the passengers around him started filing towards the exit.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i might not be able to talk for a little while | 11:12 AM

dont worry okay | 11:12 AM

Kimi hated sending it almost as much as he hated what he knew it would do to Ollie, but he needed enough time to get off the plane, through the airport, and back to the apartment without having to dodge a FaceTime call somewhere along the way.

ollie bear🐻

A little while? How long? | 11:13 AM

You're still coming home tomorrow, right??? | 11:13 AM

That hasn't changed?? | 11:13 AM

Kimi winced.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

not long bear | 11:13 AM

yes bear  | 11:13 AM

you are still getting me back | 11:13 AM

i promise❤️ | 11:13 AM

Ollie's next response took longer, and Kimi could almost picture him staring at the conversation, trying very hard not to turn a few hours without contact into something bigger after everything that had happened the night before.

ollie bear🐻

Okay. | 11:14 AM

I'll leave you alone. | 11:14 AM

Just please don't disappear on me all day. | 11:14 AM

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i wont  | 11:14 AM

and i will be back before you know it | 11:15 AM

ollie bear🐻

Okay. | 11:15 AM

I love you. Have a good day. | 11:15 AM

Kimi stared at the messages while the line of passengers dwindled out the aircraft door, fighting the urge to ruin his own surprise and tell Ollie everything.

Kimi Baby❤️ 

i love you too | 11:15 AM

i will call you when i am free | 11:16 AM

Technically, it wasn't a lie. He would call Ollie when he was free.

He just simply intended to be standing outside their apartment when he did.

—

By late afternoon, Ollie had officially lost his mind.

There really was no other explanation for what he was doing.

He was sitting on the floor of their bedroom with half of Kimi's wardrobe spread around him.

Not because he was packing it... that would have been insane.

No, somehow what Ollie was doing was considerably more pathetic. He was smelling Kimi's clothes.

Not all of them!!! He had standards, of course.

Well...  he had started with standards??

It had begun with the blue hoodie Kimi wore constantly around the apartment because Ollie remembered Kimi wearing it two days before leaving for Bologna and thought it might still smell like him. Then Ollie had found one of Kimi's t-shirts tucked underneath it, and that had smelled more like laundry detergent than Kimi, so obviously he had needed to check another one. And then another.

Twenty minutes later, Ollie was sitting cross legged between little piles of clothing he had begun unconsciously sorting into smells like Kimi, smells vaguely like Kimi, and completely fucking useless.

He held another shirt up to his face. Nothing.

“Fuck's sake.” Ollie threw it onto the useless pile.

This was humiliating. Kimi was coming home tomorrow. Less than twenty four hours. A normal person could survive less than twenty four hours without burrowing face first into his boyfriend's wardrobe like some sort of deeply unwell animal.

Then again, a normal person probably wouldn't have spent half of the previous night sobbing down the phone about a pillowcase either.

Ollie rubbed both hands over his face. He had been trying not to think about that call all day. Unfortunately, Kimi had been making that impossible.

Something was wrong with him. Not wrong wrong. Kimi had answered his messages. 

Except Kimi wasn't being normal. Not today.

His replies had been slower. He had declined Ollie's FaceTime that morning. He had said he couldn't talk for a while because he was busy with his dad, and when Ollie had panicked and asked whether he was still coming home tomorrow, Kimi had promised he was.

'I will be back before you know it.'

It should have reassured him. Instead, Ollie had spent the entire day dissecting every word until he had somehow arrived at the obvious conclusion.

Kimi was angry with him. Of course he was. Why wouldn't he be? Ollie had called him in the middle of the night and cried like a huge pathetic fucking baby because he missed him. Then, when Kimi had immediately offered to come home, Ollie had practically begged him not to because apparently Ollie's preferred method of emotional torture was demanding Kimi's comfort while simultaneously refusing to let Kimi actually give it to him.

He had dumped all of that onto him, kept him awake, made him worry. And now Kimi was acting weird.

Ollie picked up the blue hoodie again. “He hates me,” he informed it. The hoodie offered no useful insight so Ollie shoved his face into it. “He doesn't hate me.”

Maybe... Probably... Hopefully...?

His phone started ringing on the bed.

Ollie's head snapped up so fast he nearly gave himself whiplash.

Kimi Baby❤️ — Incoming Call

Everything around him was forgotten instantly. Ollie scrambled to his feet, stepped directly onto the sleeve of one of Kimi's sweatshirts, nearly went down, caught himself against the mattress, and grabbed his phone before the third ring.

“Hi.”

“Hi!” Kimi answered.

Something about his voice made Ollie feel… weird. There was a strange... breathlessness to it. Not enough that Ollie could identify anything actually wrong, but enough that his brain immediately grabbed onto it.

“You okay?”

“Yes.” Kimi answered quickly. “Why?”

“You sound weird.”

“I do not sound weird.”

“You do.”

There was a pause and then a faint rustling sound on Kimi's end. “I am walking.”

“Where?”

Another pause. “Just... walking.”

Ollie's eyebrows pulled together. “Where are you walking?”

“Around.”

“Kimi.”

“What?” Kimi asked, and there was something suspiciously close to laughter buried underneath the word.

Ollie stared at the opposite wall. “You are being really fucking weird today.”

“I am not.”

“You declined my call this morning.”

“I told you, I was busy.”

“And then you disappeared for hours.”

“I was with my papà.”

“You're still coming home tomorrow, right?”

The question escaped before Ollie could stop it.

Silence.

Only for a few seconds but it still made his stomach drop.

“Yes,” Kimi said softly. “I told you. I will be back before you know it.”

Ollie looked down at Kimi's hoodie still clenched in his other hand. “Okay.”

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“Ollie.”

“I am.”

“You do not sound fine.”

“Well, apparently neither do you.”

That earned him a small breath that just might have been a laugh. “What are you doing?” Kimi asked.

Ollie looked around himself, at the open closet, at Kimi's clothes covering approximately seventy percent of the floor, at the shirt he had apparently thrown over the bedside lamp at some point. “Nothing.”

Now it was Kimi's turn to pause.

“Why did you say it like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you are committing a crime.”

“I am not committing a crime.”

“Then what are you doing?”

Ollie nudged one of the shirts underneath the bed with his foot. “Sorting laundry.”

“You do not sort laundry.”

“I can sort laundry.”

“You put white socks in with my red shirt and turned them pink.”

“That happened once.”

“Three times.”

“Why do you keep buying red things? You aren't even affiliated with Ferrari.”

Kimi laughed properly at that.

Ollie closed his eyes at the sound. God he had missed that.

Even one day of Kimi being slightly quieter than usual had been enough to make Ollie feel like someone had removed half of the oxygen from the apartment.

A knock sounded from somewhere beyond the bedroom and Ollie glanced towards the hallway.

“What was that?” Kimi asked.

“Someone's knocking.”

“Who?”

Ollie sighed and dropped back onto the edge of the mattress. “Probably fucking Gabi.”

There had been enough concerned messages from Gabi that afternoon that Ollie was beginning to suspect somebody had put him on suicide watch over one embarrassing phone call.

Another knock and Ollie rolled his eyes. “I'm not answering it.”

There was a strange little silence on Kimi's end. Then, “Why?”

“Because I don't want to talk to him.”

Another bunch of knocks, three sharp hits this time.

“Ollie,” Kimi said carefully, “just go answer the door.”

“I'm talking to you.”

“Yes, but—”

The knocking started again.

“GABI, GO AWAY!” Ollie screamed towards the hallway and silence fell over the apartment.

Ollie settled smugly back against the mattress. “There.”

Kimi made a very strange choking sound.

Ollie's eyes narrowed. “Are you laughing?”

“No.”

“You are.”

“I am not.”

A second later, the pounding started again. Louder. Ollie's mouth fell open. “Oh, for fuck's sake.”

It didn't stop. Knock. Knock. Knock. Then several more.

“Jesus Christ, Gabi!” Ollie shouted. “I'M BUSY!”

“Ollie.”

“No, I'm not opening it.” Ollie picked up the blue hoodie again and started twisting one sleeve around his hand. “I've been dying to talk to you all fucking day, and now I finally have you, so he can stand out there until Abu Dhabi if he wants.”

The knocking stopped and Ollie relaxed. Then it started again. Even more insistent this time.

“Just—” Kimi's breath hitched strangely. “Just open it.”

“No.”

“Ollie.”

“Why do you care so much?”

“Because maybe it is important.”

“If it was important, Gabi would call me.”

“Maybe he cannot.”

“He has a phone.”

“Maybe his phone died.”

“Then he can go charge it.”

“Ollie.”

“No.” Ollie tucked Kimi's hoodie against his chest, irritation beginning to win over the anxiety that had been chewing at him all day. “You don't understand. He's been checking on me constantly since last night, and I appreciate it, I do, but I don't need Gabi right now. I need you.”

There was silence on the line. Another knock.

Ollie groaned loudly. “I swear to God.”

“Please open it.”

Ollie frowned. There it was again. That... weirdness. He slowly stood. “Why?”

“What?”

“Why are you so insistent that I open the door?”

“I am not.”

“You absolutely are.”

“I just think you should answer it.”

“You never care when I ignore the door.”

“Well, maybe I have changed my opinion about doors.”

Ollie stopped in the middle of the bedroom. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Kimi.”

“Just answer it.”

“No.”

“Ollie.”

“No! Whoever it is can fuck off. I told you, I've wanted to talk to you all day, and you've been acting weird, and I thought—”

“Oliver James Bearman, open the fucking door!”

Ollie was moving before his brain had processed the sentence. “Okay.” Ollie blinked and then he heard it.

A tiny laugh through the phone.

“Did you just—”

Another knock sounded and Ollie stared towards the apartment door. He got a weird fluttery feeling in his stomach.

“Kimi?”

“Go open the door, Oliver.”

Ollie started taking bigger steps and his heart had suddenly begun beating much too hard. “Kimi.”

No answer as he crossed the living room. “Kimi, where are you?”

“I told you.” Kimi sounded breathless again. “Walking.”

Ollie reached the entryway just as another knock sounded from directly in front of him.

And through the phone pressed against his ear, he could have sworn he heard the exact same knock echo faintly from Kimi's side of the call.

Ollie stopped breathing.

“Andrea.”

“Open the door, bear.”