Archive of Our Own

MP3

Okay. So, I was just about to say, I think the title of the podcast is Two of Five, or... I can't remember now, but I just looked at the title as a spoiler for the intro, and now I know. So, Two on Five, written by Opalsong, and read from memory by God of Laundry Baskets. So, this one's going to be a little bit different than my usual pensive mode. I'm not going to try and rewrite the story as I remember it. We're going to go a little bit more informal, just because I haven't had time this year to really get into it.

But I'm still going to try and reorder things from my notes, so it's like sort of internal chronology.

So, it starts off about with a introduction of Quinlan contemplating what his cover identity options are for Jedi shadow kind of missions. There's a lot of different options. He goes into a couple, but then he gets into Antilles, Han Antilles, in depth. A Corellian journalism major, Pack Bu- Puck Bunny. Sorry, Puck Bunny. Pack Bunny would be a different, different podcast, but Puck Bunny. And he talks about how at some point Bale approached him saying someone else wants to do a podcast. Major League Space Hockey podcast.

So, he thinks this kind of, extracurricular will help sell his identity. Probably also enjoys Major League Space Hockey, we have to assume. Then there's also a bit between Padme and Sabe being like Padme just talking about all of her sports feelings. She's a huge Major League Space Hockey fan. But Sidious says she can't be the sporty senator. She's like the fashion smart senator. Or no, he says she can't be a sporty senator like Bale.

Padme: Sabe, you should do this so that I can live through you and feed you all my space hockey feelings.
Sabe: I don't have anyone to do it with.
Padme. I'm sure Bale knows someone.

They go into at least one of Padme's sports feelings, because one of them is she is upset that they signed Harshada or something as the general manager. I have "GM," so I assume general manager. Padme hates him. Sabe is like, well, I needed someone, I guess. But yes, so Sabe and Han Antilles create a podcast together. Then we get multiple of the episodes of the sports podcast. And let's see if I can figure out the order on the fly.

[Intro music]
Quinlan: How about those draft picks? Not to be weird about league picks, but they could pick me up any time.
Sabe: you forgot about the intro, Han.
Quinlan: Well, yeah, this is two on five.
Sabe: the galaxy's horniest hockey podcast.
Quinlan: With Han Antilles.
Sabe: And Tisbin.

They talk a little bit about how there's some unusual picks this year with a Zabrick and a Twillick. Unusual, not many non-humans are in the Major League Space Hockey. So this kind of is a little bit notable about them. And Quinlan, Quinlan, Quin- fuck. And Quinlan is horny about both of them.

Then we, let's see here. So then we're going to get a, like, fluff news article about r/space hockey. There's a news article on r/hockey by Kote. Kit lounging sexily and watching the hockey game. Clones talking about rooting for the Jedi hockey team, Voyager Knights. One of the clones is kitting up and more repairing armor. It's super raining. Kit is like, "even I don't want to fight this."
The Jedi team wins and they're losing their mind about it. They're going to the cup.

And let's see here.

And then they also have an interview with Padme.

Padme: Oh my god, I can't believe we got him.
Quinlan: but why did he pick Naboo?
Padme: who knows? Can't you just be happy for me?
Sabe: maybe he felt like it'd be more inclusive.
Padme: we have been making efforts to rectify things with the Gungans. We have the Gungan goalkeeper and the Wookiee.
(Uh, I, I'm not going to look this up, but I have in my notes, hockey help person. So I don't remember what that was supposed to be.)
Quinlan: sure, but it's not more diverse than Corellia.
Sabe: may I posit another theory?
Quinlan: you may.
Sabe: maybe it was for love.
Padme: oh my god, can we not?
Quinlan: you knew what kind of podcast we were before you showed up.
Sabe: I mean, there was this Drills player slash rival that's now on Naboo.
Quinlan: but what about that goalkeeper?
Sabe: not everyone likes genitalia significantly different than their own.
Quinlan: excuse me? But also, how do you know what Zabrak genitalia looks like?

So then we're back to the two-on-five. Bail's guesting on it, and he is upset about the draft.

Sabe is victoriously laughing.
Quinlan: feeling a bit down, Bail?
Bail: don't you start too. I can't believe we lost Hollander.
Sabe: suck it.
Bail: and those awful allegations.
Quinlan: you couldn't have known.
Sabe: yeah, if we, a hockey personality podcast, didn't know, there was no way for you to know.
Bail: I should have. He didn't let it affect him, though.
Sabe: he's still the top of his game. His stats are crazy. The only reason we were able to steal him, because we have a budget for it. You guys have too many good players.

And then we're back to Space Reddit.
r/clones
So, I don't know if anyone else's general is as space hockey-obsessed as ours, but we were on Alderon, and we saw this article.
[Link to Hayden Pike-Lift's World Cup.]
And this is a brother, right? Like, am I crazy?
Go, Voyagers.

u/Kote.
Do not post this or similar speculation elsewhere. You could ruin our chance for clone rights. Well, after we win the war, obviously.
Go, Voyagers.

u/Alpha.
Yeah, it super is a brother.
Looked into it. Attached.

u/Wolfe.
How did this even happen? Where did Pike come from?

u/Kote.
He married a woman named Jessica Pike.
They've had two kids. [Pictures.]
This is it. This is our chance.

We get a report from Quinlan as the Shadow. So, I know Han's reports are usually fluff and funny, but I found some evidence of money laundering, which I know, A, isn't usually a Jedi thing, and B, even if it was, there's a war on. But money laundering doesn't usually feed to the Separatists to go buy Sith holocrons.
I need some advice on how to proceed. From Vos.

Then, let's see, where do I want to go next? So, then we also go to a text between Shane and Hayden, I think, about Bail Organa for a bill to free the clones. All hinges on Pike. They're both clones. Hockey meta about making an- oh, right, sorry. My note is, hockey meta metaphor about making an important play. So, I thought about coming up with my own, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to remember it, and I didn't. But I know it was an extended metaphor of, like, you got the puck and you have to make the play and stay in the game.Keep your head in the game, focus, like, pass or something. I don't know hockey. So, I'm sure- I believe it was a good metaphor in the actual book. Well, fic, but it is not making it into mine.

Then we get to a- so, this is one of the bits that's more kind of prosy from Quinlan. Um, talking about having this opportunity to go meet with the hockey folks.

God, I can't- so, I think this is part of the- it might be part of that other report, but it is from Quinlan and Sabe get to go interview folks, because Sabe, I guess, is still known as a Alderaan enthusiast, so they're invited to go to one of the games. And Quinlan is so horny, as expected for Pike or Hunter, and Quinlan's like, I could tell that he was attracted to me. The force doesn't lie, but he didn't take me up on it.

And he did give me the winning puck. And then there's some, like, the touch telepathy feelings of, like, playing in the game, being in and winning. And while they're kind of in this meet and greet, he does manage to shake the hand of Pike, and he gets this flash from Pike of when he was waiting for the commissioner of the Major League Space Hockey.

He was congratulating on the second World Cup win, and he wants to introduce me to a friend of his. And I smile and agree, of course, because this is the guy who's in charge of my entire career. I feel a probe at my shields. I center myself and picture a field of beskar and thorns, the way my mothers, Azabrak and Amando, have taught me. Not that that was more just my note to myself. I was not expecting the chancellor to walk in.

He's in a dark cloak, his face shadowed, but he's unmistakable. He reaches out a hand and says, "f͔̬̹̩͍̌̅̉͛j̶̞l̡̖ͩ̀̑ͯ̄̋̑͘͢s̴̵̴̻͖̠̠̗ͪ̌̋ͬ͡͝͡ļ̷̷̙̗̣͛̓̀̽͜_̷̡̩͍̮̀ͣ́ḑ̯̞́̈͡͡"

I jerk back. Of all the things I was expecting to learn under cover, this wasn't it. No wonder the war has been going so poorly. The chancellor is a Sith, and he just offered Shane an apprenticeship.

Then we get a Tumblr user who's so annoyed that everyone's talking about Major League Space Hockey and not, you know, the war.
And Tumblr reply, OP hates joy. GFY.

Then we get another two on five episode.
Quinlan: should we talk about the news?
Sabe:Oh man, there's some news today, and I know you expect us to have opinions.
Quinlan: And our reaction is, we have no reaction.
Sabe: A lot of the details are still coming out.
Quinlan: As for the video, we will not be discussing it.
Sabe: They haven't commented on it, but it does not look like it was released voluntarily.
Quinlan: Then for the chancellor, he is in for a world of hurt.
Sabe: Strong evidence he's been embezzling for years Major League Space Hockey funds.
Quinlan: He's been working with his good friend the commissioner of Major League Space Hockey to do it.
Sabe: He's also been trying to he should be tried as a Naboo citizen.
Quinlan: Well, it's also illegal there and in separatist space. It's illegal everywhere.
Sabe. Will he actually face consequences for it? We'll just have to see how it goes.

This is from another Fox post on r/clones.
Then we start jumping into a news article about the clone rights bill passing. We won with a link to this news article about clone rights bill passing. Mace killing Sidious, who was revealed as a Sith. Clones are still not granted rights, but other people, Naboo and Alderaan support them. Hayden Pike, married four kids, has won the cup three times and spoke at the Senate. Clone bill has passed.

The end. And that's basically what I remember. Um, yeah.

So I hope you enjoyed listening to what I remembered of this. We'll see how much of it actually I remember correctly. I tried to keep the heated rivalry people straight, but, uh, well, you know, not straight, but, um, I tried to keep them correct in my head who was doing what, and it was a little bit of a struggle.

I made notes for, like, okay, I know one of them's a Zabrak. I know one of them is a Twi'lek, and I think that's the, like, main pair from heated rivalry. That's, like, the the two.

And then from what I understand of the Wikipedia entry I read on the show, um, Hunter and, is it Hunter Pike or something like that? I don't remember. But the guy who wins three time is the one who kisses publicly, and that's also a thing that happens in the show. But I don't, I, I struggled with that a little bit because that's always a little bit more of a struggle when you're not as familiar with the characters in this little kind of project.

But I had a good time. It was a fun story. The reveal when I did such a disservice because the reveal of, uh, Quinlan getting that flash of them with the commissioner was so intense.

I know I read that and I immediately was, like, messaging in the group chat being, like, holy shit, that ending. It packed such a punch. I really enjoyed that bit a lot.

But I also always love a social media kind of story, so there were lots of little bits that were a lot of fun to kind of play around with. But anyways, that's, I think, gonna be it for me. Anyways, uh, I hope you enjoyed listening to me ramble, uh, and, uh, yeah, that's it from me.

Thank you for listening, and thanks, as always, to Opal for putting on a fun little project thing.