Chapter Text
Soft steps resonated through the hall as Pomni made her way past the numerous bedrooms, heading to her destination: a door adorned with the picture of a smiling purple rabbit.
Her hand reached up, knocking on the wooden door. "Jax?"
No response.
She waited a moment before once again knocking on the door, this time harder. "Jax? Caine wanted me to get you for the adventure. We need even teams!"
Still no response.
Her gloved hand grasped the doorknob, twisting it and pushing the door open. "Jax?"
The room was dark, but she could make out the rabbit lying on his bed in the pink room, arms crossed over his chest. "Uh, Jax? We kind of need you right now," the jester quietly spoke, keeping her voice low, as if she was afraid of waking him, though it did not seem as if he was asleep.
Finally, he replied. "I don't remember saying you could come in." He let out an annoyed sigh.
Pomni stepped in and closed the door behind her. "Yeah, uh, sorry. You just...weren't responding. I wanted to make sure you were okay." A warm smile grew on her face.
Jax sat up in bed, pushing himself back until he could rest his head against the wall. "Pft. Pretty rich, coming from you." His response dripped with venom, as if her statement was flat-out offensive to him.
Pomni blinked in surprise, not having expected a reply like that. "I'm...I'm sorry." The words hit her like a dagger in the chest, and she didn't know how to respond to what he had said.
"I'm sure you say that every day," he said, head turning to her. His pupils were small, and his brow furrowed. He looked angry, to say the least.
Something about him felt off to Pomni. This wasn't right.
"You know it's too late, right?" the purple rabbit sighed. "You don't get a second chance on this, Pomni."
She stared at him, tears beginning to form in her eyes, though she wasn't entirely sure why. "I don't know what you mean." Her voice trembled.
The room around them began to grow darker and darker, until they no longer seemed to be standing in a room at all. It was more like they were in some black void, devoid of light or form. Just them and the bed Jax sat on.
"Yeah, you do." His gaze drifted upwards. The 'sky' was just as black as the floor was. "You know I'm not real. You know I'm gone. And no matter how much you wish you could go back, you can't. You can't undo that mistake. Take it from me." He let out another sigh.
"I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know why I didn't go after you. I should have. I should have and I didn't...And I'm so sorry for that, Jax. You really can't understand just how sorry I am that...that I failed." Tears were streaming down her face at this point, rolling down her cheeks until they dripped off her face and fell into the black void below.
"I mean, kind of the story of your life here, isn't it? Screwed up with me, screwed up with that dumb NPC. Honestly, it's almost like everyone you try to help just dies around here." His eyes dilated, and his face suddenly became emotionless as he stared at her. "I wonder who you'll fail next. Ragatha? Gangle? I mean, we both know everyone in here is going to abstract. And it's pretty clear why." His yellow-gloved finger pointed toward her accusingly. "You. You won't be there for them, just like you weren't there for me, until it was too late."
The jester shut her eyes, trying to cut off the flow of tears. She didn't even respond to his words. They hurt so much that it felt like a sledgehammer to her heart.
Jax shook his head. "And when they're all gone. All of them. Because of you. You'll abstract too. Heh, guess we'll just all be one big happy circus of glitchy eye-filled freaks, huh?" He couldn't help but chuckle.
Pomni struggled to speak, feeling her words catch in her throat as she failed to fight back the tears. "I promise...I won't make the same mistakes again, Jax. I know I [%$!#]ed up, and I'm not going to let it happen again. No one else is going to abstract. Just trust me, please..." she pleaded, voice choked with sobs.
Jax rolled his eyes and swung his legs over the bed, pushing himself off with his arms. "Oh, come on, I'm not even the first one you failed. And I sure as hell won't be the last. Not while you're around."
He took a step toward her, and then another, until he was close enough to place his gloved hand on her red and blue jester hat.
Pomni opened her eyes and looked up at Jax, her eyes widening immediately as she saw him. Half his body was black and glitchy, and would have been hard for her to even see in the dark room if not for the dozens of colorful, almost psychedelic eyes, all blaming her without a word spoken.
The hand on top of her head suddenly pressed down, hard, and Pomni found herself sinking into the void she had just been standing on. As if it were some sort of quicksand, or tar. "Jax! Jax, please, no," she begged him as she was pushed down further, until her body was engulfed by the blackness and only her head could still be seen.
Jax sneered at her with one yellow eye and numerous colorful eyes on the other side of his face. "But if you weren't around..." His voice echoed and sounded staticky, distorted, as if it was a slowed-down vocal on a vinyl record. "Then you can't fail anyone else." The black mass of a hand on her head gave one more shove, submerging her head entirely into the blackness.
She sank, suddenly feeling as if she was falling through a black void. She could no longer see Jax, or anything for that matter. All Pomni felt was the sensation of falling, until suddenly, the void around her seemed to light up, one source at a time. Endless colorful eyes surrounded her as she fell. All of them seemed to stare at her, silently accusing the woman. Pomni couldn't speak, but she could feel herself falling faster and faster, as the gaze of the eyes seemed to radiate pure malice. Eyes wide, Pomni fell and fell, until...
"AHH! Ahhh...ah..." Pomni jolted up in bed, her eyes as wide as they could be, her face covered in sweat. Her heart felt like it was going to burst from her chest, and her breath was ragged. Her entire body shook in panic and fear as she sat up in the darkness of her red and blue room. 'Another nightmare. Just a nightmare,' she thought and then took a deep breath, closing her eyes and trying to steady herself before falling back, her head coming to rest against the pillow.
Her eyes looked upward, staring at the red canopy over her bed.
'I don't even know why I try to sleep anymore,' Pomni thought. Sleep had become no better than being awake at this point. Possibly even worse than being awake. She hadn't had a peaceful rest in at least a month by now. Every time she slept, it was a new nightmare. A nightmare about Jax. A nightmare about failing one of her friends and being the reason they abstracted...because she failed them, too. Every night, jolted awake, screaming out at the darkness of her room, body wracked with a panic attack. 'Just one night. Just one damn night of peace. One night away from this.' It was all she wanted right now. A break from the guilt that ate at her every second of every day. She lay there until she had decided that it wasn't worth risking falling asleep into another horrid nightmare.
Pomni sat up in bed and glanced up to the red-and-blue umbrella-patterned clock on her wall. 4 am. 'Well, I doubt anyone is up at this hour, at least. Fuck, I need a walk.'
She hopped off the bed, passing the full-length mirror and taking a look at herself in it. 'I look like shit,' she thought as she stared at herself, noting the bags under her eyes and the overall miserable look on her face. She made her way to her door, opening it.
Her eyes squinted and she placed a gloved hand in front of her face as the light of the hallway assaulted her vision. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, but when they did, she wished she hadn't opened that door. In front of her was the thing she woke up to every day. The constant painful reminder of her failure staring directly at her. Jax's picture on his door, a red X over it. It hurt every single time she saw it. An aching pain deep in her heart that felt worse than any physical pain she could experience in this circus.
Immediately, she felt a jolt of anxiety run up her spine and begin to take over her body. She shook lightly, having to close her eyes and take deep breaths. 'You're okay. You're okay. Deep breaths, Pomni. Deep breaths.' Panic attacks hadn't been uncommon in the past few months, and they had been something the girl had learned to live with as best as she could. Pomni let out a deep sigh, eyes opening to stare forward at the door with the crossed out portrait.
Caine had offered to remove the portrait for her when it became obvious that the constant reminder across from her door was impacting her. She had refused, saying that removing it felt like knocking down someone's tombstone. It felt like trying to erase the memory of Jax to her. The AI didn't entirely understand it, but he never pressed the issue with her, and neither did anyone else. So, the crossed-out portrait stayed there, waiting to greet her every time she left that room. Painful, but she wouldn't desecrate his memory just to ease her pain ever so slightly. She owed him that much, at least. To give in and have it removed would be like failing him a second time.
Pomni walked out into the hall and closed the door behind her, beginning to move down the hallway with no destination in mind. She just needed to get out of her room.
She was alone with her thoughts again as she walked down that hall, eyes fixated on the ground. 'Why? Why do I have to feel this way?' Pomni had asked herself that countless times since Jax abstracted. Everyone said that it wasn't her fault it happened, that she couldn't have actually known that he would just...do what he did. They told her how she had done so much, gone above and beyond to try and save him. But that fact was a painful consolation prize to her. If she hadn't screwed up, she would never have needed to attempt her hopeless rescue of him when it was too late.
'It wasn't your fault. You know that. You did everything you could for him,' She reasoned. He was the one who ultimately made his choices. He decided to not open up. And that choice led to his end.
'You know you could have done more,' her mind shot back at her as she was dragged into an internal argument she had gone through a dozen times now. 'You're making an excuse, Pomni. You know you are. Jax came to you, he was finally ready to talk.' She flinched as things ran through her head.
'And now, you're just trying to make yourself feel alright for letting things happen like they did.' God, she didn't want to believe that, but deep down, she knew it was true. 'That's why you should feel this way. You deserve it.'
Pomni's train of thought was broken when she noticed that she had made her way into the main room of the circus tent. From a distance, across the checkerboard floor and at those colorful couches they would all meet at, she saw Ragatha sitting there on the green couch reading some book whose title was impossible to see from such a distance.
Pomni stared at the red-headed doll from afar and considered turning around and just going back to her room. 'Why is she even up at this hour?' she thought. She had hoped no one would be up this late, and talking just felt pointless these days. Everyone had been talking to her about things for months. Everyone knew that something was deeply wrong with her. Or at least, they had. She wasn't sure if her attempts at hiding her problems had finally thrown everyone else off her trail of despair.
The jester sighed to herself. 'She just wants to help you.'
They had all noticed exactly what was happening when she had begun spending every day in Jax's tent a month after his abstraction. A habit she eventually kicked, not because she wanted to, but because it was the only way to assuage the fears of her friends.
As much as Pomni appreciated that they tried, she wished they would just give up on it and allow her to wallow in sadness. Because now, she simply had to wear a mask every day. A fake smile, a fake demeanor. Every day, trying her best to convince everyone that all of the things they had done to 'fix' her over the past several months had worked, and she was happy.
It was exhausting. It added just another heavy burden to her back. Needing to fight off the grief and guilt she carried, and having to be just as cautious so that no one would see her actual feelings, wouldn't see the mask fall off her. Still, she wasn't as good at it as she liked. Sometimes the sadness broke through, and everyone would once again know the truth: She wasn't any better. She was getting worse and worse. Pomni stared off into space, just lost in thought, until she heard the soft steps of the rag doll making her way over.
"Hey, Pomni." Ragatha spoke, the doll's voice attempting its best to be comforting.
The moment the woman spoke up, Pomni put on a smile, her attitude immediately changing like a switch had been flipped.
"Are you...doing alright? Are you having sleeping problems again?" Ragatha said, smiling down warmly at the jester. She had expended more effort than any of the others in trying to better Pomni. She feared losing her, as she had so many friends before, and was painfully aware of the sort of cycle of despair that often led up to...to something terrible.
Sometimes she was almost convinced that the other girl was okay again, no longer suffering from sorrow. Almost convinced that everything was okay, and there wouldn't be a need to fear that she might experience another loss. That she wouldn't wake up one day to go to Pomni's room and find her just like they had found Kaufmo.
Pomni smiled brightly, doing her best to expel the doll's clear worry. 'Bright smile, Pomni,' she thought to herself.
"Hm? Oh, no, no. I'm fine, I just, you know...wanted to get up early for today's adventure," she spoke.
'The last thing I need today is another outing.'
Caine had spent a considerable amount of effort to work with them all and tailor the new adventures to what everyone had wanted, but Pomni rarely had the enthusiasm for the activity. She never wanted to go on them anymore, but she was a quick enough learner to understand that skipping adventures just made everyone more worried for her. Made them try to fix her even more. So, she went on them and did her best to make sure that happy mask never slipped off her face. The adventures became an exercise in maintaining that happy mask.
Ragatha clasped both of her hands together, smiling. "Oh, well, Caine said he had been planning something really unique for today. I think he took some of your suggestions, even." Ragatha laughed awkwardly.
Pomni wanted to sigh, but stopped herself.
'Yeah, she's definitely on to you.'
Ragatha looked down at the jester, clearly worried for her. "Hey, Pomni?" The doll rubbed her own arm. "If you want to talk about anything..." The short woman cut her off immediately.
"I told you, I'm fine. Really." Another big smile. "You all helped me, remember?" She could feel her mask slipping just slightly.
Ragatha nodded. "Right...We did. But I just wanted to, you know...remind you that I'm here if you need anything else. We're all here."
Pomni could tell how concerned the ragdoll's voice seemed. Ragatha really was the hardest one to convince. It's why Pomni found herself hanging around Ragatha less and less when no one else was around.
"I know. And I appreciate it. I'm glad to have friends like you," she said, her voice oozing with fake enthusiasm. 'I can't deal with this today.' Convincing Ragatha was just too much effort for her right now.
Ragatha went to speak up, but was cut off again.
"I think I'll head over to the kitchen. I could use some breakfast before Caine wakes everyone up." The doll took the hint, as much as she didn't want to. Pomni wasn't going to be open right now, and trying to force it wouldn't actually help anything.
"Yeah, okay. Maybe if it's another team adventure today, you and I can be on the same team?" Ragatha replied, now forcing a smile as fake as Pomni's, and no more convincing.
"Uh, yeah, sure..." Pomni replied, silently hoping that they wouldn't have to team up. She then turned around and began to walk off, headed for the kitchen.
Once more, lost in her thoughts as she headed to the kitchen that had rarely seen use in this place. Passing by colorful blocks, doors that led to nowhere, barrels of monkeys, and everything in between. She paid none of it any mind, her attention focused solely inward. 'I wish she wouldn't worry,' Pomni thought of Ragatha. She couldn't help but feel that she was hurting Ragatha, and failing her in some way. Failing to be happy for her. Failing to get better.
The girl walked like she was on autopilot, just once again lost in her own mind as intrusive thoughts assaulted her.
'I really do deserve to feel this way.'
'He suffered. I failed him. Why shouldn't I suffer?'
Pomni closed her eyes and shook her head. 'Stop thinking like that,' she told herself. 'He wouldn't want you to suffer. No one wants you to suffer.' Her sadness only made everyone else stressed, and she was sure that if they could wave a wand to make her better, they would. Another intrusive thought pierced her mind. 'You're causing them so much stress being like this. You're failing them already.'
A shiver ran down her spine. The small jester felt as if she had traveled around the entire circus grounds, not paying much of any attention to her surroundings as she made her way through the circus.
Finally, she found herself at the seldom-used kitchen. A rather pathetic place with a counter, microwave, fridge, and a table with a few chairs. No one ever used the place, which could make it a decent area to be alone. And that's what Pomni needed. To be alone. At least until she was forced to socialize. Eyes moved up to the clock in the corner of the room. 7 am. She had been walking around the circus, for hours now. She hadn't even noticed it, having been so deeply engrossed in her own mental pain.
She pulled up a chair, taking a seat and looking down at the flat-purple table she sat at. It was going to be another rough day.