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People swirled around Jongho in the usual post concert way, hectic and rushed. For once he was grateful for the chaos. If he was quiet and stayed out of the way, just about everyone should overlook him. Which was exactly what he wanted right now. To be left alone to wallow in his emotions. This tour had already been dragging on for him, wearing him down in ways he wasn’t used to, in ways he hadn’t expected. Then that had to happen tonight.
It was a rare thing for him to make a mistake on stage and even rarer still for that mistake to be connected to singing. Yet, rare did not mean never. Logically he knew he was human, performing demanding songs and notes on an even more demanding schedule. Voice breaks were going to happen from time to time.
But logical didn’t really mean anything to the emotion driven thoughts swirling through his brain. Telling him he was a failure and an embarrassment. That Atiny would be disappointed in him for the slip up. That he wasn’t worthy of the praise that had been heaped on his vocal skills.
A tear slipped down his cheek, angrily he swiped at it. Just one more thing to be embarrassed about. The only thing he hated more than crying, was crying in public. All he wanted was to return his stage clothes and accessories and then rush back to the hotel where he could be alone. Maybe cry a little in the shower before throwing himself into bed so he could forget all about this.
A hand on his shoulder jerked him out of his little bubble of self-pity. “Jongho?” Any thought being allowed to wallow alone went out the window.
He didn’t even have to look up. He knew that voice, that soft, worried tone. He could already see the pinched expression of concern without moving his gaze from his lap. He didn’t want it. Maybe it came from a place of love and caring but he didn’t want to deal with it right now. All he wanted was to be left alone. It’s what he deserved.
Unfortunately for him, his boyfriend of just over a year was a stubborn bastard. Well, both of them were. Can’t get through this industry without the kind of tenacity they had. Sometimes though, it was frustrating when applied directly to him.
Clearly not willing to accept Jongho ignoring him, Mingi crouched down so that he could peer up into Jongho’s face. Stubbornly, Jongho refused to meet his eye. Even when his long, slender fingers reached out to wipe the silent tears that were tracking down his cheeks.
“What’s the matter, baby?” Mingi whispered just loud enough for Jongho to hear but no one else.
He was already divested of his performance clothes and accessories, dressed in an oversized black hoodie and matching sweatpants instead. His face was bare but his hair retained the remnants of styling gel and hair spray that had been used on him earlier in the day.
“I’m fine, hyung,” Formality slipped unconsciously into his protest.
Mingi frowned, a look Jongho never liked on him. “Clearly not if you’re calling me hyung. Also, the tears.”
Mingi wiggled his wet finger tips and gave Jongho a little smile. Even out of the corner of his eye, Jongho could see the concern in the edges of Mingi’s smile.
“Don’t want to talk about it,” Jongho told him honestly, throat thick.
“Okay, I won’t force you.” Mingi put a hand on his thigh. “Want to get out of here?”
Jongho nodded. He wanted that more than anything right now. To be anywhere but here, here with all these people and their prying eyes. To be free of expectations and his idol image, even if for a few hours.
“Okay, give me a couple of minutes,” Mingi told him as he straightened up. “I’ll get you to see the stylist-noonas and then the three of us can head back to the hotel. I know Yunho’s itching to get back as well.”
“Okay,” Jongho whispered so quietly he wasn’t sure Mingi could actually hear him.
It didn’t seem to matter though, the rapper strode into the thick of the chaos like a man on a mission. More to give himself something else to focus on than anything else, Jongho tracked Mingi as he wove through the people and around clothes racks. His first stop was their manager, clearly pleading with him to let them go back ahead of the others. It was hard to resist Mingi when he pouted like that, Jongho would know, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise when the man gave in with an exasperated nod. With a bright grin, Mingi gave a half bow before scurrying over to the stylist currently working on collecting Yunho’s accessories. With a fond smile the stylist agreed to whatever Mingi was asking for. Yunho caught Mingi’s wrist as the rapper turned away, giving him a confused look. Whatever Mingi said to him had Yunho glancing over at him with concern before he released Mingi.
Jongho ducked his head, trying to avoid the pitying looks of his boyfriends. He didn’t like when they worried about him. It was his mission in life to not have people worry about him. Especially the two of them. He was an adult, he could handle his problems on his own.
“Okay,” Mingi suddenly squatted down in front of him again, a pack of makeup wipes in hand. “Let’s get you cleaned off and then noona said you could skip the line on account of you not feeling well.”
“I’m fine,” Jongho insisted as Mingi pulled a wipe free.
“Well as far as manager-nim knows, you’ve got a stomachache and you need to get back to the hotel asap,” Mingi told him matter-of-factly, wiping gently at the thick layers of makeup. “And Yunho and I were ever so kind as to offer to go with you and make sure you got something easy to eat.”
“Thank you for your sacrifice,” Jongho muttered sarcastically.
“Don’t be like that, Jjongie,” Mingi admonished, not pausing his quest to get all of the makeup off. “We want to take care of you. Please let us?”
“I can take care of myself,” Jongho told him.
Mingi sighed. “I know. It’s just- sometimes it’s nice to let other people do it. Ya know?”
Jongho deflated at the look Mingi was giving him. Soft understanding, blended with love, it was almost enough to push him to tears again. Emotion tightened his throat as the telltale feeling of tears building began to prick at the corners of his eyes.
“I can take care of myself,” Jongho whispered, conviction waning.
“And you do such a good job, baby,” Mingi reassured him. “But we all need a little help sometimes. Let Yuyu and me help you.”
Jongho nodded weakly. “Okay.”
“Thank you,” Mingi whispered.
A minute later, Mingi declared his face clean and whisked him off to the stylist. Luckily, Jongho was light on accessories as usual so it didn’t take long before he was pushed into a dressing room by Yunho. Quickly he changed out of his encore clothes, hanging them neatly for the stylists, and into his street clothes. No sooner had he handed the clothes off, were Yunho and Mingi at his side.
“Car’s ready,” Yunho told him. “You got everything?”
Jongho nodded and let himself be led through the confusing maze that was the unfamiliar backstage. Somehow they managed to make it to the back entrance without getting turned around. Mingi climbed into the passenger seat of the waiting black sedan. Yunho pulled the rear door open and dramatically gestured for Jongho to enter. With a fond smile and a shake of his head, Jongho did as he was bid. As soon as Yunho had slid into the seat next to him, the driver was pulling out.
The ride to the hotel was blissfully short and quiet. Just the drone of the radio station and the sounds of the city filling the car. Though he didn’t miss Mingi checking on him through the rearview mirror or the way Yunho kept glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. No doubt itching to reach out and hold his hand. But they were all too professional, too aware of prying eyes, for that. They thanked the driver when he dropped them off in front of the hotel and quickly made their way through the lobby and into the first available elevator.
Even after the elevator door shut, they remained a friendly distance from each other. Once again, Jongho logically knew why Yunho didn’t wrap an arm around his waist or Mingi didn’t pull him tight against his chest. They were idols, idols had rules and elevators had cameras. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He was already feeling low, and now that they were alone all he wanted was to throw himself into his boyfriends’ arms in an attempt to sap any small amount of comfort he could from them. Instead he had to fight that instinct for the sake of public image. Just add it to the pile of things he was upset about tonight.
“Who’s room would you prefer?” Yunho asked as they stepped out of the elevator.
Jongho shrugged, it didn’t really matter. They were all identical, pristine yet cold hotel rooms. They lacked the warmth and character of their rooms back home. The way Yunho’s room was always tidy yet the horizontal surfaces cluttered with video game and superhero merch and the walls decorated with his favorite photos from his personal portfolio. The homey feel of Mingi’s disaster of a bed room, clean clothes scattered on every surface, remnants of his search for a perfect outfit for events long past, all illuminated in the pulsing RGB strip lighting he had painstakingly hung. Those were the rooms he was longing for, wanting to bask in their familiar comfort. For the first time in a long time, the feeling of homesick curled in his gut, circling the pit of sadness already at home there.
“Let’s use mine,” Mingi suggested. “I’ve already got my laptop hooked up to the TV. We can throw on a movie while we wait for food.”
“Showers first,” Yunho said with finality as he followed Mingi down the hall.
Mingi looked over his shoulder with a smirk. “Shower.”
“No funny business tonight mister,” Yunho admonished playfully as Mingi swiped his card. “I’m way too tired.”
Mingi held the door open for the two of them to slip past him. He made sure the door was closed, flipping the locks into place before he responded to Yunho.
“Can’t a man want some non-sexual intimacy with his gorgeous boyfriends?”
Yunho rolled his eyes. “The last time you wanted ‘non-sexual’ intimacy it ended with my dick down your throat while Jongho railed you from behind.”
Mingi blushed, expression morphing into something like embarrassment. Jongho remembered the night Yunho was referring to. It had been a good night, the kind of night where gentle touches and soft caresses had slowly started to heat the blood flowing through them. Warming slowly until it boiled red-hot below their skin, demanding an outlet. The kind of thing where you don’t even realize the arousal is blooming until it’s too much to ignore. It had been delightful at the time, and a memory Jongho cherished, but not something he wanted this evening.
All he wanted was to shower, eat something, and curl up between his boyfriends while a movie he didn’t care about filled his head enough to chase off any negative thoughts.
“We have a show tomorrow,” Mingi retorted, toeing off his sneakers. “I can’t afford to take your massive dick down my throat.”
Jongho snorted at Mingi’s weak deflection. They’d all made some questionable choices in bed the night before a show. And they were bound to make them in the future. Just maybe not in the immediate future.
Yunho glanced over at Jongho, expression soft. He snaked an arm around Jongho’s waist, tucking him close. Without thinking, Jongho let his head fall against his shoulder, arms wrapping around Yunho’s middle, curling into Yunho’s embrace.
“What do you think, Jjongie?,” Yunho asked playfully. “Can Mingi be trusted not to start anything if we all shower together?”
“If he does, I’m just watching tonight,” Jongho answered, sidestepping the question a bit.
Mingi squawked. “I’m not gonna start anything!”
Jongho smirked at Mingi over his shoulder, “I didn’t say I would mind watching.”
Mingi huffed, glaring at the two of them with no real heat. “I’m going to start the shower. You two can join me if you want.”
With a toss of his head, Mingi stalked past them into the bathroom, nose in the air. There was a smile twitching at the edges of his lips as he brushed by.
Yunho nuzzled against the top of Jongho’s head as he murmured, “What do you think, baby bear? Up for a group shower or would you rather be alone?”
Just forty-five minutes ago all he had wanted was to be left alone and now the suggestion of being alone made Jongho’s heart clench. He had been forcibly reminded of how grounding being around Yunho and Mingi could be and he would almost certainly feel more adrift now if they left his side.
“Together,” Jongho whispered in Yunho’s chest.
Yunho pet Jongho’s hair gently, his hand large enough to make Jongho feel small in the best way. There was a beat of silence, only broken by the sound of the shower turning on, where Jongho allowed himself to relish in the feeling of being cradled by Yunho like this. One arm wrapped around him, Yunho’s arm was long enough to reach completely around his back, palm firmly pressed against his ribs. The other came up to hold his head close against his shoulder. Only in private would he ever allow himself to indulge in this type of affection. The kind made him feel delicate and precious.
“Then that’s what we’ll do.” Yunho told him gently. “Come on, baby bear, let’s go before Mingi starts whining.”
Jongho giggled weakly but refused to release his grip on Yunho. With a fond chuckle of his own, Yunho nudged his toes. “Shoes off first.”
Still refusing to let go, Jongho managed to get his sneakers off. Yunho did the same and then gently guided him into the bathroom. Mingi had already managed to strip himself down to his boxers, and Jongho couldn’t help but admire him as Yunho wordlessly suggested he lean against the counter. Mingi was all long lines, his edges rounded with firm muscle. His lean torso gave way to thick thighs, but Jongho’s favorite part would always be the wide stretch of his back. Broad and strong, in stark contrast to the delicate way Mingi often preferred to be handled when they were alone.
“Come help me,” Yunho said to Mingi, tugging at Jongho’s shirt.
“I can undress myself,” Jongho pouted, pushing weakly at Yunho’s hands.
“I know, baby,” Yunho’s hands drifted back to Jongho’s waist. “But I like to. It’s like unwrapping a Christmas present.”
Jongho huffed but relented. He didn’t have it in him to put up more than a token resistance in a poor attempt to protect the remaining shreds of his pride.
“You already know what you’re getting.”
Mischief tinted Yunho’s smile as he leaned into nose at a spot right behind Jongho’s ear, fingers curling around fistfuls of Jongho’s sweatshirt.
“And yet I still get excited every time.” He whispered, the words ghosting against Jongho’s skin.
Shivers ran down Jongho’s spine as Yunho pulled back to grin at him. Before Jongho could do more than whine wordlessly at him, Mingi joined them. He pressed himself against Jongho’s side, long fingers worming their way under the hem of Jongho’s sweatshirt to flick the button of his jeans.
“We said no funny business you two,” Jongho reminded them as their hands continued to wander over his clothes.
Yunho sighed, lower lip jutting out in an exaggerated pout. “Genuinely a shame I’m too tired to do more than tease you. You looked so good on stage tonight.”
“I looked the same way I’ve looked on every other stage this tour,” Jongho complained.
“Which is so gorgeous and eye-catching I have to remind myself to look at the crowd,” Mingi murmured as he finally undid the button and zipper he’d been toying with.
“Don’t lie,” Jongho told him, words slightly muffled as Yunho tugged the sweatshirt and t-shirt over his head. “I know I’m not on the visual line.”
Insecurities and doubts were bubbling too close to the surface tonight. He couldn’t let himself fall into his boyfriends’ pretty compliments with any sort of ease. The whispers in the back of his mind and depth of his soul were too loud to ignore. Emotion was clawing at his throat and burning the backs of his eyes. It felt like he was barely holding his emotional regulation together with bits of string.
“Baby, it doesn’t matter to us what the fans think,” Yunho tried to reassure him as he tossed the bundle of clothes to the floor. “To us, you’re perfect.”
Yunho’s finger skimmed down Jongho’s chest and across his stomach as Mingi thumbs dragged along the top of his waistband. Almost certainly another piece of their long running agenda to convince Jongho they loved every inch of his body, not just select pieces. Most nights, Jongho was content to let them try. Some nights he could even let himself fall into the fantasy that he was just as physically beautiful as they were. Tonight though, the urge to shove their wandering hands away from his soft stomach was so strong his fingers twitched at his sides.
“Love everything about you,” Mingi murmured as he squeezed Jongho’s hip, fingers sinking into the layer of padding there.
The caring words couldn’t penetrate the thought that Jongho’s fingers never sank into any part of either of his boyfriends like that. Mingi’s thighs were thick with strong muscle, fat nearly nonexistent and Yunho didn’t have a single area that could be described as thick let alone soft. Only Jongho had body parts that could be described as squishy.
“God, same,” Yunho whispered reverently. His fingers continued to skim over Jongho’s torso, carefully missing erogenous zones. They slipped down his torso to trace just under the little pad of fat collected at the bottom of his stomach. “Every inch.”
It was like those words were scissors to the pieces of string he’d been clinging desperately too, snipping them with ease. Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes and a sob clawed its way out of his throat. Embarrassed, Jongho hung his head, hands coming up to cover his face. The hands that had been caressing him froze suddenly.
“What happened?” Mingi sounded confused.
“I don’t know,” Yunho didn’t sound any more sure. “Jongho? Baby bear?”
All Jongho could do was throw himself into Mingi’s chest. Without missing a beat, Mingi wrapped his arms around him. He tucked Jongho snugly against him. Big hands spread across Jongho’s back and shoulders, holding him so tightly it was almost hard to breathe. The firm pressure and warmth of his skin gave Jongho something solid to focus on. Yunho put his hand on the back of Jongho’s head, fingers lightly massaging his scalp. A soothing sensation that worked to combat the raging torrent of emotions coursing through him.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Yunho asked softly.
The concept felt too big to put into words. It was impossible to adequately explain the slippery slope Jongho had been sliding down all evening and how their well intentioned words had been too much to bear. The way they poked at insecurities that were usually better guarded. Not to mention the added embarrassment of openly sobbing for no apparent reason wasn’t helping anything either.
“I-I-I d-d-don’t know,” Jongho managed to choke out.
There was a moment of silence and Jongho could only imagine that his boyfriends were wordlessly communicating. Probably very unsure of what to do with the uncharacteristic display of emotion from him.
“I’m sorry,” Jongho whispered, voice small and hoarse.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Yunho reassured him gently. “It’s been a long tour. It gets to all of us sometimes.”
Jongho nodded, accepting Yunho’s explanation was easier than trying to explain the nebulous concept of not being good enough in any aspect of his existence. He wasn’t the prettiest, or the sexiest, or the best dancer, or even an eye-catchingly unique dancer, and after that awful performance tonight he couldn’t even let himself claim to be the best singer in their group. He was nothing and not worthy of his boyfriends’ praise and adoration. Blaming this emotional outburst on the long tour was leagues easier than trying to put all of that into words without making his boyfriends legitimately concerned for his mental health.
“Why don’t you get undressed, Yuyu?” Mingi suggested.
“But—.” Yunho’s fingers hesitated in Jongho’s hair.
“You’re the only one still fully dressed,” Mingi told him. “I’ll help Jongho finish and then we can all take a nice shower. The hot water will feel good. After that, we’ll order something tasty and snuggle up in bed. How does that sound, Jjongie?”
Wordlessly, Jongho nodded, fingers curling against Mingi’s bare skin. With reluctance, Yunho’s hand retreated.
“Okay, no funny business, I promise,” Mingi said sincerely, separating himself a little from Jongho. “Gonna take your pants off now, okay?”
Jongho nodded, hands shifting to Mingi’s shoulders. The paradox of touch being what triggered an emotional outburst but still craving physical contact swirled in his brain. In one swift, perfunctory motion, Mingi pushed Jongho’s jeans and boxers down. Mingi straightened up, a small smile playing on his lips, affection and worry in his eyes. Gently he cupped Jongho’s cheeks, thumbs wiping at the still steadily flowing tears.
“It’s gonna be okay, baby,” Mingi reassured him. “We got you. Always.”
All Jongho could do was nod as he hiccuped another sob. He so desperately wanted to believe that, wanted to let himself accept their help with ease. But it wasn’t that simple. He couldn’t be a burden to them. They didn’t deserve that.
Mingi dropped a gentle kiss on his forehead, ignorant to Jongho’s swirling thoughts. “Come on,” he said as he pulled back.
Mingi nudged Jongho towards the running shower and encouraged him to step into the warm spray. A needy whine escaped Jongho before he could stop it as Mingi’s fingers left his skin.
“One second, babe,” Mingi promised, already hurrying to shove his own boxers down his legs.
Barely a second later, Mingi was stepping into the shower, pressing close to Jongho again. Not to be outdone, Yunho was right behind him. It was a tight squeeze but Jongho wasn’t particularly fussed about that. All the easier to have constant contact with one or both of his boyfriends. The reassurance of their skin on his was more grounding than the hot water ever would be.
Slowly, between the water relaxing his muscles and the gentle but firm touches of Yunho and Mingi as they cleaned the sweat and makeup from his skin, Jongho started to collect himself. The tears stopped flowing freely. Though he could still feel them threatening, ready to spill at a moment’s notice. His breathing evened out and his thoughts started to feel less frantic.
Determined not to be the only one being pampered, Jongho tried to swipe the soapy washcloth from Yunho’s fingers. Only to have it playfully pulled out of reach.
“Let me, please?” Yunho requested gently, the expression in his eyes tugged at Jongho’s heartstrings.
It was soft, affectionate, and slightly desperate all at once. Like Yunho knew he couldn’t fix everything but he could do this for Jongho. It was enough that Jongho dropped his hand and silently requested a kiss instead. With a smile, Yunho granted his wish with a gentle, lingering kiss. As he pulled away, Mingi gently slid two fingers under Jongho’s chin, guiding Jongho so he could give him a sweet kiss of his own.
“Please let us take care of everything tonight?” Mingi asked as he pulled back.
Jongho nodded, suddenly feeling so much more drained than he had all night. “If that’s what you two want.”
“It is,” Yunho told him. “You just relax, we got you, baby.”
“Okay.” Jongho told him.
“Thank you,” Mingi murmured before dropping a kiss against Jongho’s shoulder.
With a deliberate effort, Jongho made himself surrender to his boyfriends’ whims without any of the performative protests he usually gave. Allowed them to gently maneuver him as they saw fit and followed their gentle directions without question. They quietly washed all three of their sweat-sticky bodies. Their touches lingered in a gentle reminder that they were always there.
“Close your eyes,” Yunho requested gently.
Jongho acquiesced without a second thought. Carefully, Yunho guided his head backwards into the warm shower. Once he deemed Jongho’s hair thoroughly wet, he massaged a dollop of shampoo in. His fingers worked deliciously against Jongho’s scalp. It felt so good that Jongho could help the pleased groan that escaped him.
Mingi chuckled. “Feel that good, sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” Jongho drawled as Yunho pressed his thumbs against the base of his skull.
“Guess your hands are more than just pretty, Yuyu,” Mingi teased.
“Who would have thought?” Yunho quipped. “Rinse.”
At Yunho’s command, Jongho let his head be guided back into the water. Once he was deemed thoroughly rinsed, Yunho righted Jongho before nudging him to step closer to Mingi.
“Hold him,” Yunho instructed Mingi softly. “And I’ll wash your hair for you too.”
Mingi reached out and guided Jongho so they were back to front, rotating so that Mingi was in the spray of the shower. As Yunho worked his magic, Mingi hands wandered over Jongho. Large hands slid over Jongho’s skin with a firm press, fingers caressing as they went. There was no heat in the pass of Mingi’s fingers, only comfort and affection. Jongho let himself sink into the sensation, heading tilting back to rest on Mingi’s shoulder.
“There you go, baby,” Mingi murmured. “I’ve got you. Love you so much.”
Mingi kept up a steady stream of sweet nothings as his hands made their way up Jongho’s ribs, across his chest, and down his arms, pausing only to play with his fingers momentarily before reversing their path. Combined with the steamy heat of the shower, Jongho could feel his muscles relaxing and the tangled ball of thoughts in his mind slowly unwinding. He almost felt human again.
“Okay,” Yunho’s smooth voice interrupted Mingi’s deep gravel. “Why don’t you two get out and dry off, while I finish up?”
“You sure?” Mingi asked. “I could do your hair if you want?”
“Nah, I’m hungry and the faster we’re all dry and somewhat dressed, the faster we can get food,” Yunho replied.
Mingi chuckled. “Understood.” He nudged Jongho’s hips. “Come on bear, you know how he gets when he’s hungry.”
Jongho giggled as he pushed the shower door open. “Vividly.”
He’d barely reached for one of the overly fluffy, stark white towels before Mingi was snatching it out from under his fingers. With a huff, Jongho looked over his shoulder at his grinning boyfriend. Before he could say anything, Mingi unrolled the towel with a playful flick and tossed it over Jongho’s head. Indigent sputtering quickly turned to laughter as Mingi vigorously dried him off.
“There,” Mingi said triumphantly as he wrapped the towel around Jongho’s waist. He dropped a quick kiss on his lips. “All dry.”
“Thank you, Min.” Jongho handed him a fresh towel. “For everything.”
“Of course, baby,” Mingi said as he gave himself a cursory once over with the towel before wrapping it around his waist. “Come on.”
Mingi guided Jongho out of the bathroom and nudged him to sit on the edge of the bed. Efficiently, Mingi riffled through his suitcase and extracted three pairs of sweatpants. Wordlessly he held the fistful of pants out to Jongho. Without much thought, Jongho snagged the black pair on top. Mingi selected a light grey pair for himself and tossed the dark grey on the bed for Yunho. By the time they’d both shimmied into their pants, Yunho stepped out of the bathroom, hair still dripping, one hand holding a towel around his waist and the other waving his cellphone pointedly.
“Food,” He stated looking between them.
“Yes, yes,” Mingi gestured for Yunho to hand him the phone. “I’ll find a restaurant while you put those on.” Mingi pointed at the sweatpants on the end of the bed. “What do you want?”
That one simple question devolved into a ten minute debate about their options. Quite a lot of which Yunho spent in various degrees of nakedness when he would get distracted arguing for his preferred option. Yunho’s phone was passed around as they each assessed the offerings of various restaurants. Eventually they settled on a build your own noodle bowl shop and the order was placed.
“Thirty minutes,” Yunho announced, shoving his phone into his pocket. “Come on, bear, let’s get comfy. Mingi can handle the rest.”
“Hey!” Mingi shouted indignantly, even though he was already moving towards his laptop. “Why can’t you meet the driver?”
“I paid, you can run down to the lobby and grab it!” Yunho retorted as he put a knee on the mattress next to Jongho. “You’re not gonna make Jongho go are you?”
“That’s low, Yuyu, and you know it.” Mingi shot back with no heat.
Yunho giggled as he shoved playfully at Jongho’s shoulder, urging him further onto the bed. Jongho scootched back a few inches but then stopped, tensing his muscles against Yunho’s hands. Unable to resist the temptation to mess with Yunho a little. At Yunho’s unsuccessful attempt to push him further back, Jongho smirked at him.
“Oh, is that how it’s gonna be?” Yunho asked, humor coloring his voice. “You’re gonna be a brat?”
Jongho shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Come here, you,” Yunho growled as he attempted to wrestle Jongho further up the bed.
For his part, Jongho was obstinately unhelpful with the whole process. At first Yunho attempted to shift him by pushing at his shoulders but when that quickly failed he resorted to more drastic tactics. He wrapped an arm around Jongho’s middle and tried to bodily drag him up the bed but the slippery sheets and awkward angle didn’t allow him to get enough leverage to shift Jongho.
“Mingi, come help me,” Yunho pleaded as he strained against Jongho.
For a moment, Jongho was worried Mingi actually would. With two steps, Mingi crossed the room but instead of joining Yunho’s battle, he swiftly stuck his hand into Yunho’s pocket. Yunho squeaked as Mingi extracted his phone.
“Can’t, sorry.” Mingi smirked as he brandished the phone. “Gotta keep an eye on the food.”
“Fuck you,” Yunho grumbled without heat.
Mingi just laughed and went back to his self-appointed task of selecting a movie. For his part, Yunho sat back on his haunches, surveying his options. Jongho eyed Yunho suspiciously, waiting to see what his next trick would be. For a long moment, they just watched each other and then Yunho smiled. Not his pretty prince smile, not his bright happy smile, not his soft sweet smile, but the smile that always preceded mischief.
“Yunho,” Jongho said slowly.
“What?” Yunho asked with false innocence as he leaned in. “Can’t I just give you a victory kiss? You deserve it for putting up such a good fight.”
Jongho eyed Yunho warily but titled his chin up a little anyway. Who was he to turn down a kiss from his boyfriend? Yunho accepted the invitation, sweetly capturing Jongho’s lips. What Jongho expected to be a short peck before some sort of second wave of attack, melted into a slow, languid kiss.
It was hard not to get swept up in Yunho’s kisses. Especially when he was kissing like this, soft and sweet and oh-so-careful. Like he was trying to memorize the exact shape and feel of Jongho’s lips on his. One large hand came up to cup Jongho’s cheek, thumb stroking just so. The other pressed into the small of his back, supporting him as Yunho deepened the kiss. Surrender was inevitable when Yunho was kissing like Jongho was a delicate piece of art to be appreciated leisurely.
Yunho pulled back, grinning and whispered, “I win.”
“Wha— ahhh!“ Jongho’s question turned into a surprise shout as Yunho suddenly wrapped his arms around his middle and tossed him up towards the padded headboard.
Jongho propped himself up on his elbows and pouted at Yunho from where he was now located against the pillows. “That was a dirty trick.”
“Aw, was it?” Yunho asked as he crawled up the bed towards Jongho. “I can make it up to you.”
“How?” Jongho asked, already knowing the answer.
“I think another kiss would do, don’t you?” Yunho asked with a smirk.
“Two,” Jongho replied petulantly.
“I think I can afford that,” Yunho said, leaning in to kiss Jongho again.
Jongho let himself collapse back against the pillows, and Yunho followed easily, one hand resting against Jongho’s ribs. The kiss was soft and gentle and full of warm affection. A soothing balm on the ragged edges of Jongho’s psyche. They parted for barely a moment before Yunho delivered the second promised kiss. This one just as soft and gentle as the previous two. An outpouring of sweet love and the desire to fix things that couldn’t be fixed with words.
When they finally parted, Yunho softly bumped his nose against Jongho’s. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Jongho whispered back.
The bed shifted, and then Mingi was curled along Jongho’s side. “I love you both.”
“And we love you too,” Jongho told him as he worked one arm between him and Yunho so he could reach for Mingi.
He barely managed to brush the tips of his fingers against Mingi’s cheek but it was enough. Mingi knew what he wanted. Carefully, Mingi slotted their lips together. To Jongho, Mingi always kissed like he danced, sensual without true intent. Almost like an instinct he didn’t realize was kicking in. Even when he was giving Jongho a sweet, loving kiss, he couldn’t help but swipe the tip of his tongue along Jongho’s bottom lip. He didn’t pursue the action though, simply continued to kiss Jongho breathless.
“You two look so pretty when you kiss,” Yunho told them as they parted.
Mingi chuckled as Jongho shoved weakly at Yunho’s shoulder. Despite the miniscule force applied, Yunho collapsed dramatically onto the pillow next to Jongho, effectively sandwiching Jongho between him and Mingi. For a moment, the three of them just lay there basking in each other’s presence. It was lovely and Jongho wanted the moment to stretch forever. Then Yunho’s breathing hitched and Jongho tensed.
“What happened tonight, babe?” Yunho asked softly.
Jongho kept his gaze fixed firmly on the ceiling because if he looked at either of them he was going to cry again. Twice was two times too many for one night, he didn’t want to find out what a third episode would do to him. For a long moment there was only the sound of their breathing and the steadily working AC unit. They didn’t pressure him, didn’t demand answers but Jongho could still feel the anticipation in the air. Their desire to understand and help, driven purely by their love for him. But Jongho could think of only one thing to say at this moment.
“I’m sorry,” Jongho whispered to the ceiling, unable to put voice to anything else.
“You don’t have to apologize,” Mingi reassured him.
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Yunho echoed. “We just want to understand. That’s all.”
Jongho knew that. He really truly did. But how could he put words to something he couldn’t fully understand himself. There was so much all piled on top of each other. It wasn’t one single thing, one specific moment, one poorly chosen comment he could point to. Even his voice crack today felt more like the straw that broke the camel’s back than a root cause.
“I’m not sure I can explain it,” Jongho told him honestly.
“What started it?” Yunho asked. “Can we start there?”
“It’s been a long tour,” Jongho tried, repeating the thin excuse Yunho had given him earlier.
“It has,” Mingi agreed. “But we’ve been on longer and you’ve never had a breakdown like this before. That’s my job.”
Jongho shrugged. “I don’t know. This one’s different I guess”
“Jongho, please,” Yunho pleaded. “Don’t lie.”
“It’s the truth.” Or at least a part of it.
“We just want to help,” Mingi added softly.
Jongho sighed, gaze still fixed firmly above him, “My voice cracked.”
“Ah,” Mingi breathed as Yunho made a noise of understanding.
“It happens to the best of us babe,” Yunho tried, threading his fingers through Jongho’s. “No one is even going to hold it against you.”
“I know. It’s just—,” Jongho broke off with a sigh. “I don’t know.”
“It’s just what?” Mingi encouraged him gently.
“I’ve already been a little bit of a mess recently,” Jongho explained, words tumbling out of him now. “Like emotionally, I guess. Last time we went on tour, we’d only just gotten together. Everything was all so new and we were taking things slow. It was easier, I guess. Then we were home for months. Started sleeping in the same bed, waking up together, being able to touch each other freely, be with each other easily. I—I guess I got used to that without really realizing. And now…”
Jongho trailed off and took a deep breath before continuing. “Now there are so many eyes. So many people around us all the time. Even now, staff could knock on the door without warning. I miss both of you. I know we’re together all the time, but it’s different. I don’t know, I’m a mess. I don’t think I’m explaining it very well.”
“No, no, baby,” Yunho rushed to reassure him. “I understand. It hasn’t been easy for me either. I keep having to stop myself from calling one of you a pet name or holding your hand.”
Jongho nodded. “Yeah, stuff like that.”
“You didn’t say anything,” Mingi said quietly. “Neither of you did.”
Jongho shrugged. “Well it’s not like we can change it. Complaining won’t fix it. It’s too much of a risk if a rumor gets out.”
“I— I know that,” Mingi said hesitantly. “But it’s not good to bottle things up until they explode either. You really worried me tonight.”
Jongho rolled so he could shove his face into Mingi’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Yunho pressed into his back, warm and solid. With a soft touch, Mingi stroked his hair. It was soothing, Jongho let himself bask in the sensation. Let it chase away some of the swirling guilt and anxiety coursing through him.
“It’s okay,” Mingi rumbled. “I just— I know you want to handle things on your own but you can lean on us sometimes.”
“I know,” Jongho mumbled sadly. “I do, really, but I don’t like to worry you.”
“Bit more distressing to have you break down sobbing over a compliment than occasionally tell us you're upset that we have to hide our relationship,” Yunho told him quietly.
“Sorry about that too,” Jongho muttered, trying to burrow further into Mingi.
“Can we talk about that one too?” Yunho asked gently. “Cause that one felt like something I did or said and I’d like to avoid a repeat.”
“It’s stupid,” Jongho mumbled.
This was worse than admitting he’d been struggling with the tour. He really didn’t want to do this. It was such a silly thing. A stupid insecurity he should have beaten years ago. He was an idol for goodness sake. People praised his looks all the time. Praise that always rang hollow to him.
“It’s not stupid if it bothered you,” Mingi told him.
“It doesn’t usually bother me… like that,” Jongho managed.
“What do you mean?” Yunho asked.
“Like to the level that I can’t handle it,” Jongho tried to explain without really admitting to the root cause. “Or just ignore it.”
“Ignore what?” Mingi asked. “Do we do something regularly that you’re just, like, pushing past?”
There was hurt and confusion in Mingi’s voice. Jongho hated it. Hated that he was making them doubt themselves. This is why he hadn’t addressed the subject. He knew they were being truthful, even if he disagreed with how they felt. They were entitled to their opinions and allowed to express their love for him. All of him.
“We don’t want to upset you, Jongho,” Yunho added. “Please don’t hide things.”
“It’s fine,” Jongho tried.
“Clearly it’s not,” Yunho countered. “I’ve never seen you cry like that. Not in the ten years I’ve known you.”
Yunho’s words sat heavy in the silence between them. For a moment, Jongho let himself hide in the darkness of Mingi’s embrace. Let himself consider the possibility of never coming out, never facing this issue, never putting words to it. It was the simplest option but it wasn’t really an option. Not now, not at this juncture. Yunho and Mingi would always be worried, dancing on what they thought was an unknown hair trigger if he didn’t explain. With a heavy sigh, Jongho rolled out of Mingi’s embrace a little, twisting as best he could while squished between them so he could see them both in his peripherals.
“I don’t always—love the way I look,” Jongho said slowly and then rushed to add, “I know you both don’t agree with that but sometimes it’s hard to hear it.”
“Sometimes, like tonight?” Yunho asked.
Jongho nodded. “Yeah. I was already kind of a wreck and you two touching my”— Jongho gestured vaguely at his stomach— “and praising me like that was a bit too much for me to handle.”
“But we really do mean it,” Mingi stressed, a serious look on his face.
“Logically I know that,” Jongho told him. “I know you’re not lying to me, but…”
“Brains can be mean,” Yunho filled in after Jongho trailed off. “It's not always easy to accept something like that. Especially if it’s something you’re sensitive about.”
Jongho nodded. “Yeah. Most days I can focus on the intent behind it all though. That you’re expressing your love and that’s enough to keep the negativity at bay.”
“But if you’re already emotionally rocky,” Mingi said gently. “It’s harder to hold back. I get that.”
“Exactly,” Jongho nodded.
“Do you want us to stop, ya know, touching your stomach and saying things like that?” Mingi asked softly.
It was all so twisted up, pleasure and insecurity. The desire to hear his boyfriends tell him they thought he was gorgeous, the feeling of their beautiful hands on his skin, on some level he wanted those things, even liked those things. But underneath that desire simmered ugly feelings that stole his ability to appreciate them fully.
“Not necessarily,” Jongho told him slowly. “It does feel good like when we’re having sex or whatever and you run your hands over my—my stomach. And it has gotten a little bit easier to hear you praise my looks.”
“Maybe we just need to pick our moment a little bit better,” Yunho suggested gently.
Jongho nodded. That was probably a good start. Anything to prevent a second showing of tonight’s breakdown would be appreciated.
“Thank you for sharing all of that with us, baby bear.” Mingi pressed a kiss into his hair. “It means a lot.”
“Really, baby, it does,” Yunho kissed his cheek.
For a few minutes they just lay there, curled around each other. The only sound in the room was their steady breathing and the whir of the air conditioning unit. The tension was bleeding out of him, leaving only exhaustion. Jongho was half-way asleep when Mingi shifted, trying to get to his pocket. Jongho grumbled but shifted back further into Yunho anyway. After a moment of fumbling, Mingi managed to extract the phone without separating too far from the cuddle pile. With difficulty he managed to unlock the device, squinting at the screen from too close a distance.
“Food?” Yunho asked.
“Yeah, guy’s like 2 minutes out,” Mingi replied, rolling gracelessly backwards. How he managed to twist to get his feet under him, Jongho wasn’t quite sure. “Gonna go down and meet him.”
Mingi’s warmth was sorely missed but Yunho wrapped his arm around Jongho, tugging him closer. With a wiggle, Jongho settled into Yunho’s tight embrace.
“Shirt!” Yunho called after him as Mingi stumbled around the bed. “You need a shirt!”
Mingi stopped in his tracks, groaned dramatically and then twisted towards his suitcase.
“Don’t moan,” Yunho chastised, twisting a little to attempt to see Mingi behind him. “You need a shirt to go down to the lobby. You can take it off when you get back.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Mingi waved one hand while the other flung clothing to the side. Roughly he pulled a plain t-shirt over his head, running his fingers quickly though he damp hair in an attempt to straighten it. “There.”
“Excuse me for suggesting basic decency in public.” Yunho stuck his tongue out at Mingi.
Mingi jammed his feet into a pair of slides and swiped his room key off the desk. “You’re excused.”
Yunho rolled back into Jongho. “He’s so mean to me, Jjongie.”
“Uh-huh,” Jongho mumbled in halfhearted agreement as he twisted around to face Yunho.
Mingi sighed dramatically, followed by the sound of the locks being opened. “Ridiculous. I’ll be right back.”
“Hurry back!” Yunho called after him.
“I will, I will,” Mingi replied just before the door shut.
“Come here, you,” Yunho mumbled, attempting to pull Jongho impossibly closer.
Jongho didn’t fight it, just let himself be squished into Yunho and absorbed the affection offered. In one fluid motion, Yunho rolled so he was flat on his back, taking Jongho with him. Always aware of his weight in comparison to Yunho’s thin frame, Jongho shifted so he was only half on him, one arm slung across Yunho’s stomach. Thankfully Yunho didn’t question or comment, only guided Jongho’s head to rest on his chest.
“Love you so much, Jongho,” Yunho whispered, fingers carding through his hair deliciously. “Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for putting you in my life and letting me love you like this.”
Cheeks heating, Jongho whined, “Yunho—“
“It’s the truth,” Yunho murmured. “You and Mingi are the best things that ever happened to me. Well I guess Ateez in general but that’s mainly because it brought you both into my life.”
“You’re so sappy,” Jongho mumbled into Yunho’s skin.
Yunho stopped petting his hair to squeeze Jongho firmly. “How can I not be?”
Jongho shrugged as much as he could within the confines of the awkward hug. He’d always been a little jealous of how easy it was for Yunho to love out loud. He was always so free with his expressions of love for both of them. Even before they’d all confessed and started exploring a relationship, Yunho had been so free with his compliments and praise. It had been part of what had given Jongho a flicker of hope that admitting his feelings might not be in vain.
Personally, he was always a little more reserved, found it a little harder to put emotion to words. He’d been in love with both of them for so long. Before they’d debuted if he was being honest with himself. It was harder not to love them and he would know. He’d spent years trying not to. Yet he’d never quite managed it. And somehow, by the blessing of some deity he couldn’t name, they’d both loved him back.
It had been Yunho who’d first broached the topic that night. A soft question whispered over a mug of tea late one night, just the three of them in the living room. Jongho would never forget the way that question had struck him like a gut punch, “Both of you don’t want to be just friends, right?”. Somehow, Yunho had known, had sussed out their feelings for him. Mingi, Jongho had understood how. It was obvious as the color of the sky that Mingi loved Yunho. But Jongho had never been quite sure how Yunho had figured him out.
Ignoring the question, Jongho posed one of his own. “You remember the night we all got our shit together?”
He could feel Yunho nod above him. “Of course, I think I’d have to be brain damaged to forget the best night of my life so far.”
“So far?” Jongho asked, momentarily distracted.
“I’m sure the night I ask both of you to marry me will top that,” Yunho said with confidence.
“We can’t all get married,” Jongho pointed out.
“Details, details,” Yunho said with the same air of importance as if Jongho had pointed out something was blue-green not green-blue. “Why were you asking about that night?”
“Why did—,” Jongho took a deep breath and started again. “It was easy to tell Mingi was in love with you. You’ve always been the person he goes to for comfort when it gets too loud in his head.”
“He goes to you too,” Yunho interrupted to point out.
“Now, yes,” Jongho agreed with a nod. “Back when we were younger, not so much, not for that. I was too stoic, too pragmatic to give him what he needed. Then I think it just became habit for him to seek you out when it all got too much.”
Yunho hummed. “I’m not gonna argue with you but I always knew you were special to him. Why are you bringing this up?”
“You knew Mingi had feelings for you back then,” Jongho stated.
“I suppose,” Yunho said slowly. “I had an educated guess might be a better way of putting it.”
“Enough evidence that you were willing to try confessing to him despite the risk,” Jongho countered.
“I took that same risk with you, baby bear, at the same time too,” Yunho reminded him gently.
“Why?” Jongho asked softly.
“Why what?” Yunho asked in response.
“Why did you confess to both of us? How did you take an educated guess that I returned your feelings?” Jongho asked.
“I could ask you the same thing in reverse,” Yunho pointed out.
For a moment, neither of them said anything. The twin questions hung in the air. Yunho didn’t press, just waited patiently for Jongho to gather his swirling thoughts. By the time he’d been ready to take the leap, sure that telling the two of them how he felt wouldn’t implode their intertwined careers, he had a hundred thousand pieces of evidence. It was almost hard to put a voice to them. Eventually he settled on the simplest answer.
“You told me,” Jongho replied softly. “Every day. Not spelled out but it was in everything you praised me for, every easy compliment, the way you noticed when I worked hard for a particular detail and chose to compliment that even when everyone else didn’t notice or chalked it up to talent. Eventually I noticed you did that much more frequently for Mingi and me than anyone else.”
Yunho hummed softly, hand running over Jongho’s hair. “You told me too. Every day, even. Not with words but with little things. Filling my water bottle during practice breaks, reminding me to eat when I got too focused, bringing me my sweatshirt when I forgot it, and a million other little things. The kind of things only someone who truly cared and was paying attention would do.”
“Oh,” was all Jongho could say.
How was he supposed to respond to that? The sound of the door opening announced Mingi’s return, saving Jongho from having to come up with anything else.
“Hey Mingi,” Yunho called out before Mingi was even in view. “How did you know Jongho was in love with you?”
“Like before he said it?” Mingi asked, face furrowed in confusion as stepped into the sleeping area.
“Yeah, like before the night we all confessed. I wasn’t exactly taking a shot in the dark that my feelings were returned.” Yunho elaborated. “I don’t think any of us were that rash.”
Mingi set the take-out bag down on the desk across from the bed.
“No, no I definitely had at least some sort of idea that you both felt some type of way about me,” Mingi agreed as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. “Jongho… how do I phrase it?”
Mingi riffled through the bag, laying out take out containers and utensils. Jongho waited on baited breath to hear Mingi’s answer. The only thing grounding him was the steady rhythm of Yunho’s hand in his hair. His body tense as his eyes tracked Mingi’s movements.
“I guess it was mostly the way you let me touch you,” Mingi settled on. “Like it’s not exactly a secret that you don’t like skinship but you never complained or shook me off. That was my first clue.”
“Mmm yeah,” Yunho mused fondly. “Used to make me so jealous seeing you two curled up together.”
“I snuggled you all the time,” Mingi protested.
“I know, I know,” Yunho responded. “But I wanted to join in.”
Jongho tightened his grip on Yunho a little. “Sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry for, bear,” Yunho reassured him. “Things were different then and I get all the snuggles I want now.”
Unsure of what to say, Jongho placed a kiss on Yunho's chest. Which earned him a kiss to the top of his head before Yunho turned his attention back to Mingi.
“If skinship was your first clue, what else was there?”
“A lot but I think the biggest one was your ability to anticipate, Jjongie.” Mingi said as he inspected the contents of the opaque boxes.
“Huh?” Jongho said intelligently.
“Like you always seem to know what I need before I do,” Mingi elaborated. “Even back before we got together. Handing me a water bottle in the middle of practice, bringing me food when I was hours deep into lyrics writing, or knowing when I was about to run out of battery at a fan meeting, you always seemed to be one step ahead of my own brain.”
“It’s just pattern recognition,” Jongho mumbled.
“Yeah but you cared enough to notice,” Mingi stated. “More than that, you cared enough to act.”
Jongho could feel his cheeks warming. It was an odd feeling to be so thoroughly seen. Warm and a little nerve wracking at the same time.
“How did this come up, Yuyu?” Mingi asked. “And sit up, all that complaining about being hungry but as soon as you get some cuddles from bear you’re suddenly fine?”
“Yes,” Yunho chirped, overly happy. “Obviously that’s all I need to sustain myself.”
“That might be enough for you, but I need to eat,” Jongho said as he wriggled out of Yunho’s grip so he could sit up.
“Ugh, fine,” Yunho groaned dramatically as he pushed himself to sit against the headboard. “I guess I’ll eat.”
“Chicken, right?” Mingi asked as he shoved a container into Yunho’s hands.
Yunho nodded as he grabbed the fork sticking out of the noodles. “And I was asking because Jongho asked me the same thing while you were grabbing the food.”
“And what did you say?” Mingi asked, handing Jongho a container with steak and noodles.
“Basically the same thing as you,” Yunho said around a mouthful of noodles. “His love has always been obvious in his actions.”
Jongho ducked his head, cheeks heating even more. “I just worry because I don’t say it out loud as often and I’m not prone to, like, physical affection.”
He didn’t mind when the two of them randomly hugged him, or gave him a surprise kiss on the cheek simply because they were in the same room, or absentmindedly ran their hand over his thigh when they were watching a drama together. He just never seemed to think to do those things himself.
“You don’t have to worry, baby,” Mingi reassured him as he placed his own dinner on the end table. “We know you love us.”
“You show us every day,” Yunho added.
“Okay,” Jongho mumbled before stuffing a forkfull into his mouth.
Mingi pressed a kiss to his cheek. “It’s more than okay. It’s perfect because it’s you.”
“Sap,” Jongho told him.
“Proudly!” Mingi beamed.
“What are we watching?” Jongho asked, desperate to change the topic.
“A movie San recommended,” Mingi answered, striding back over to his laptop..
Yunho raised an eyebrow “So lots of explosions?”
Mingi chuckled, “That was his main selling point, yes.”
As the opening credits rolled and Mingi climbed back into the bed to once again bracket him, Jongho could only think about how lucky he was. Lucky to have two handsome and incredibly kind boyfriends. And luckier still that they saw him for who he was and accepted him with open arms. That they loved him without hesitation or reservation.
Bad days would come and go, but maybe they wouldn’t feel quite so awful from the shelter of their arms.