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Shadow Milk had not been loved his whole life.
The Virtues cared — well, at least, he thinks so. Nowadays, the Beasts didn't care. Eternal Sugar probably did. The others... eh.
Until he came.
Pure Vanilla Cookie.
The one he said he'd never love, he loved like Vanilla was his whole world.
After all, the affection Shadow Milk never received or gave as the Fount was dumped right onto Pure Vanilla himself. It's not like he didn't mind, though. Actually, the Ancient found it rather endearing. He loved that Shadow Milk trusted him so much now.
If he ever told past Shadow Milk that, he'd go crazy.
Still, Shadow Milk couldn't admit to himself it was real.
Some nights, the ex-beast awoke with a start, heavily breathing and lightly sprinkled in sweat from a nightmare where Pure Vanilla never loved him back.
His orchid was always there to reassure him, a hand rubbing up and down his back as Shadow Milk nuzzled into his warm, tanned neck.
...how could someone really love him like this?
During the beginning of their relationship, the ex-beast flinched or stiffened when Pure Vanilla laid even a single finger on him. The Silver Tree left him starved, endlessly malnourished of touch for a millenia, eons even.
So starved that barely even now, three years later, Shadow Milk only shifted away from touch when he was annoyed, severely anxious or overwhelmed. The Ancient learned of the jester's boundaries, and it was nice to know how he was letting his walls down for Vanilla.
Intimacy was another thing.
If Shadow Milk was sick, he let Pure Vanilla and Pure Vanilla alone touch him. He didn't trust the medical ward nurses and doctors just yet to cure him when he was in such a vulnerable state.
The two had showered or bathed together only a few times when the Ancient thought it would soothe Shadow Milk best, on the worst nights or when a fever ran too high. Especially after the war, Shadow Milk was sensitive due to his newer chest scar from the Holder of Silence's blade.
It was healed now, but it ran darkened against his power blue dough, reminding him of the mental scars that would never really heal.
...like his memories as the Fount.
The ever-so faint scars that ran across his wrists that no one was there to mend back then.
The seemingly endless nights of indescribable longing, loneliness and crying. Weeping for it to be over, for his hands to stop being tainted with ink, for the stabbing pain in his legs to stop.
For the questions to cease.
' Fount of Knowledge! '
' Fount of Knowledge..! '
' Oh, our noble Fount! '
...they would never shut up.
His hands, how they had ached.
His head, that pounded during daybreak.
His legs that cracked with each and every step.
His eyecings that cried out every last tear he could muster.
His hearts that begged, longed for someone to understand.
...he waited so long, he gained the one who loved him, yet it still wasn't enough.
So much so that he was scared to be loved the first time Pure Vanilla ever asked him.
"...what?" Shadow Milk had tilted his head, eyes in his hair dialating.
Pure Vanilla's face flushed, smiling softly. "I want you to be with me. I love you, Shadow Milk..."
"No. You're kidding, right? You couldn't possibly be serious. Good joke, 'Nilla. Really good joke," He scoffed, smirking as his heart began to pound just a little more faster.
"No, Shadow Milk, I'm serious. I really do, truly love you, my bluebird," Pure Vanilla gently reached out a hand to the jester, grasping a powdery blue hand that tensed under his touch. How could he not believe him...?
"Stop it with your 'bluebird' nonsense."
"Dear, please. I truly do mean it."
"..no, you don't. You.. you shouldn't..."
The eyes within his hair began to droop, tears pricking at their and the real eyecings on Shadow Milk's face.
"...s-shit.. I'm sorry, 'Nills. I-it's stupid, really.. I-I.. I shouldn't..."
Pure Vanilla's expression softened, lifting the other's hand and kissing it softly.
"I'm serious, bluebird. I want you to be my boyfriend, dear. You deserve everything, my love, the stars, the moon, the universe itself," He cooed, opening his milky eyes decorated with ivory lashes to observe Shadow Milk.
No. He was lying. Again.
Shadow Milk shook his head, sniffling as his eyes grew rather wet and tears began to seep out. "...r-really, really?"
"Why would I lie to you that I don't want to hold you, by my side?"
"I've... n-never loved before, 'Nilla. I don't... I don't even know what love really is."
Pure Vanilla touched his forehead to Shadow Milk's own, free hand cupping his left cheek and wiping the tears gently. "That's okay, dear. We have forever to figure it out."
...
...three years ago.
How had it been so long?
...
He was feeling it again.
That doubt.
He hated it.
With his entire being, he hated it.
Yet, for some reason,
it never left.
He wanted these voices to stop telling him he wasn't loved, that he would never be loved. He wanted them to stop forcing him to the edge and making him cry even after the best days ever.
Even after Pure Vanilla sat beside him and told him those precious three words that he couldn't bring himself to ever hate again.
...the three words that he never believed would be genuine.
The words that brought meaning to the love he'd seen others receive, but never himself.
Those couples that sat outside cafes, holding hands across the table and sharing meals.
The couples that held hands and leaned on each other as they walked, the warmth Shadow Milk could never bring himself to ask for.
The couples that he saw within the older students of the Academy hallways kissing within little nooks and crannies.
Back then, as the Fount, he would pass by them.
Pretend not to notice.
Glance just a little longer than intended, praying no one was looking besides him.
How he wished so badly to have that on the nights that left him restless, head pounding as he gripped at his hair and left tears staining his work on the desk. How the ache never stopped, even on the evenings that he could rest in an actual bed, hugging either plushies he hand-sewed himself in his free time or a spare pillow.
The fake hands that held his cheeks and reassured him it would all be okay. The body he never truly was pressed against or the heartbeat that never was there.
It was so hard to believe it was real.
He went starved for so long.
...he wanted it for nearly his whole life.
He had an eternity to receive that love, yet it still would never cover the scars he gained.
...
Even tonight — where Shadow Milk was sitting in the study Pure Vanilla gave him — at the desk that felt all too familiar.
Shadow Milk missed Pure Vanilla.
He needed him right now.
You...? Loved? It's not real, sweetheart. He never meant it.
Shut up.
A Beast can't be loved. It's all a dream, you're still just asleep under the Silver Tree, snoring away!~
Shut up.
You're always going to be alone, no one will be there to hold you as you weep over some pitiful bullshit. You're just weak. A weak, useless, Fountain of Knowledge. That's all you'll ever be.
SHUT UP!
Shadow Milk slammed his head against the desk, instantly feeling his dough rip and began to wet, jam streaming down his powdery blue dough.
"...shit..."
He felt his throat growing tight, forcing tears down with whatever he could, but he felt himself hiccup as one tear slipped out.
"...stupid..fucking brain..."
He hiccuped again, a small sob coming out as Shadow Milk rose from his chair and curled up on the ground by the desk.
"...why?"
He truly was pitiful.
Knock.
"...Shadow Milk?"
Great. Just great.
"What is it, 'Nilla?" Shadow Milk snapped, forcing back another choked sob as he lifted his wet eyes.
The Ancient paused behind the door, possibly contemplating something. "You don't sound well, dear. Also, it's an hour past when you usually come out. I missed you is all."
Liar.
Liar.
"May I come in, dear?"
"No, it's fine..."
"I know what that really entails, Shadow Milk."
The ex-beast sighed, nodding before the door opened.
Pristine as always. His blonde locks were damp, possibly from a shower. Milky sunlit and sky blue eyes looked back on the distressed Cookie before him.
"Oh, my bluebird," Pure Vanilla cooed, moving over to Shadow Milk curled up by the desk as his nightgown swished gently. "Why didn't you call me?"
"...I wanted to be left alone."
"Mhm," He replied. "Of course you did."
Pure Vanilla gazed softly at Shadow Milk's darkened blue fingertips, those clawed hands that were so delicate when they wanted to be.
"May I hold your hand?"
Shadow Milk's thoughts raced to a halt.
"What."
"Your hand. May I hold it?"
"No." Shadow Milk snapped, flinching away from the healer.
"You don't want to hold it?"
"...it's not that I don't want to," He replied, voice beginning to show evidence of exhaustion. "I just... I don't want to hurt you right now."
"That's okay. Do you want a hug instead, maybe?"
The blue Cookie rolled his cyan and Indigo eyes. "Why do you keep asking me if I want affection?" His cheeks began to feel dry, the trails of tears beginning to grow crusted against his dough.
Pure Vanilla smiled. "Because I know that's what would help you about now. You love affection, you just don't like Cookies you don't trust giving it to you."
"They don't deserve to."
"Mhm."
He reached out a tanned hand to the jester, who grumbled in irritation, moving his face away before crossing his arms and forcing his eyes shut as the Ancient cleaned the drying tears.
"I felt you soften up a bit just now. You're so, so cute..."
Cute.
A word used very rarely by Pure Vanilla to Shadow Milk.
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"The affection. It's..."
"It's wrong? How can it be wrong to show my partner my dearest affections?"
"No, 'Nills, just..."
Shadow Milk froze again as he felt a head lean against his shoulder, flinching slightly under the new-found weight on his body.
"..."
"You okay, love?" Pure Vanilla cooed, hand resting on Shadow Milk's leg. The jester sighed, rolling his eyes.
"That's not an answer, dearest."
This damn Cookie.
"Yes, 'Nilla. Take a hint."
The jester shivered at the hand that now rested on his opposite shoulder than where Vanilla's head was resting, scratching lightly at his chin. "..."
Pure Vanilla smiled as he felt vibrations begin to arise in the ex-Beast's neck, a comforting sound that meant that Shadow Milk was relaxing.
"See? You like it..." The Ancient teased, his other half's muscles finally relaxing under his touch.
"Mmf," Shadow Milk grumbled.
His little bluebird could be rather stressed, yet Pure Vanilla always knew how to cheer him up.
"You want to talk about it now?"
"...I guess."
Pure Vanilla stopped his scratching, easing up a little before sitting up against Shadow Milk. The latter yawned, finally slumping over back against the Ancient. "I just... everything got to me again, I guess you could say."
The Ancient turned his head up to Shadow Milk, noticing the dried jam near where he slammed his head against the desk earlier.
"Shadow Milk, what happened there?..." He queried, reaching a hand to the wound.
"Nothing. Just ignore it."
"Dear, this could get infected."
"So? And...?"
Pure Vanilla touched his fingertips to the area around the wound, healing it slowly to not startle his partner. "There. Tell me next time, okay?"
"Tell you next time about the thoughts, or..."
"Just anything, okay?"
"Mhm."
They fell into silence for a few moments, Pure Vanilla leaning into the jester's neck and into the crook of it. Shadow Milk nuzzled against Pure Vanilla's head, leaning against it.
"...I needed this."
"It's just a lot. It's been like this for a millenia, you know."
"Mhm," Vanilla replied, simply sitting there and listening. Giving him the respect and affection Shadow Milk truly needed.
"Sugar used to hug me. A lot, but.. it never helped. I still felt so desperate. She'd never get it, I thought. I mean — at least I think. She — she was the only one I could go to for that stuff.
Even back then, in the Academy, I saw people. The young couples. Happy. Actually happy. I didn't understand back then, even now, how young people could find their person so fast.
I was jealous. I'll admit it.
I used to pretend I wasn't looking. I glanced at them giving each other the affection I wanted. They never noticed. No one did. Students asked me how my day was, I lied. Like I usually do. I saw them ask each other out on those first dates, the dances, the proposals.
It hurt. It hurt to yearn for so long. Some days it was so bad that one little pair was enough to send me spiraling back into the study. I just find it so hard to believe it's real now."
Shadow Milk turned to Pure Vanilla, who was now looking up at him from his resting spot against his shoulder.
A tan hand reached to his haircing, tucking a strand behind his cheek tufts.
"Oh, my dear..."
"Don't make it harder than it has to be, 'Nills."
"I just... I just wish I was around to help back then. Maybe then you wouldn't have had to go through that pain."
Shadow Milk sighed, shaking his head. "No, no, it's not your fault, I just didn't bother to reach out, y'know?"
The Ancient nodded. "I suppose. But, I'm here now. If you need just even me to hold your hand, to brush your haircing, I'm here."
Pure Vanilla rose, holding a hand out to Shadow Milk.
"Maybe we can start now," the healer continued. "I'd like a hug, if you don't mind."
Shadow Milk owlishly blinked, taking Pure Vanilla's hand and embracing his partner.
"What would I do if you weren't around?"
"Let's just enjoy this, honey."
"Sounds good enough."