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Merlin hated Tuesdays. He loathed them with a passion. This was a conclusion he quickly reached at the start of the year. Nothing good ever happened on Tuesdays. Merlin sighed as he pushed the heavy front door of his high school building. The constant whirring noise of adolescent conversations and footsteps echoing on blank walls filled the hall. It never failed to ignite a diffuse sense of dread in Merlin’s stomach. He kept his head low as he climbed the stairs towards his classroom. It seemed as if everyone’s eyes bore into him, piercing through him.
“Merls! Hey Merls, wait!” a familiar voice shouted behind him.
Merlin stilled, a tentative grin lifted his lips as he turned around. He promptly found himself tugged in a too-tight hug that stole his breath.
“Gwaine, I can’t breathe,” Merlin choked out dramatically.
He took an exaggeratedly loud gulp of air when Gwaine released him. His friend just laughed at his antics and threw him one of those roguish grins that made the girls swoon. Merlin would never admit it out loud, but he wasn’t totally indifferent to Gwaine’s charm, either. His life was complicated enough as it was already without admitting to himself, let alone to anyone else, that he might be gay and had a huge crush on his best friend. That didn’t stop him from smiling shyly every time Gwaine slung an arm over his shoulder and walked him to his classroom.
“Ready for the morning from hell?”
Merlin groaned. “Can’t wait for this day to be over.”
Gwaine ruffled his hair affectionately before turning to get to his own classroom on the other side of the corridor. “See you at lunch!” he called over his shoulder.
With a heavy sigh, Merlin walked into his classroom and quietly took his seat at the back of the room, near the window. No one greeted him or even looked at him, which was fine with him. Merlin looked out through the window, staring at nothing in particular. Like this, he could let the world fade into the background and pretend nothing existed around him. He let his thoughts wander aimlessly without attempting to hold on any one of them. It wouldn’t do him any good, anyway. They were all fleeting, half-formed reflexions that mostly came out of nowhere and had no fixed destination. Just passing through.
“Perhaps you would like to share with the class what has you so captivated, Mr. Emrys.”
Merlin recoiled so hard that his chair tipped back. He flailed desperately, catching himself on the edge of his desk. The front legs of his chair landed back on the floor with a loud clack. Around him, the whole room erupted in boisterous laughter, drowning Merlin in embarrassment. He stared mutely at Mr. Aredian’s cold grey eyes. There was something about the stern math teacher that always set Merlin on edge, as if a single wrong breath could lead to his demise.
“Sorry, Sir. I was just distracted,” Merlin mumbled. He could barely hear himself over the deafening pounding of his heart.
Pinned by the teacher’s scrutinising gaze, Merlin was petrified. He jumped when a sheet of paper was slapped onto his desk. A quiet sigh spilled from his lips when Mr. Aredian finally walked back to his desk at the front of the classroom, leaving Merlin shaken to his core. Looking down, Merlin’s shoulders slumped. Unsurprisingly, he’d failed his geometry test so bad that it wasn’t even funny anymore. The whole thing was riddled with corrections made in bold red ink. At the top of the first page, a damning 6/20 was circled and underlined three times. Merlin carelessly shoved the leaflet into his backpack. There was no point in going over his mistakes.
It wasn’t that Merlin didn’t understand the subject. In fact, he could perfectly explain what he was supposed to do in each exercise. In theory, everything was very clear. In practice, however, Merlin was hopeless. His straight lines were crooked, even with a ruler. His circles were wonky. The shapes weren’t the size they were supposed to be, or he didn’t draw them in the right direction. He’d done his best. He spent whole evening practicing until his wrists ached and his brain grew numb. All to no avail.
So, instead of listening to the test’s correction that would be of no help at all, Merlin fished his math notebook from his bag and covered entire pages with doodles. He kept his head down and his mouth shut and let Mr. Aredian’s monotonous drawl wash over him, hoping to remain unnoticed until the bell rang.
This was only the start of the most unpleasant day of the week, though. The worst was still to come. Merlin shuffled out of the classroom, doing his best to stay out of the way of his loud and rowdy classmates. He walked a good distance behind them on the way to the sport hall. As always, once they reached the locker room, Merlin chose the bench farthest from the other boys to change into his sports clothes. Sadly, that didn’t allow him to avoid the class’s resident dollophead.
Arthur Pendragon roughly slammed Merlin into the brick wall right outside of the sports room. His big blue eyes and arrogant smirk almost dared Merlin to fight back. God, how could such a handsome face also be so fucking punchable. Merlin knew better than to enter a fight against Arthur, though. Right behind him, two other boys stood with a mean glint in their eyes, ready to teach Merlin what it cost to push back against the class’s star. He just stared back unwaveringly at the boy who has relentlessly bullied him since they met in middle school.
“I can’t wait to see the new ways you’ll find to humiliate yourself this week, Emrys,” Arthur drawled mockingly. “I must commend your determination, though. If I were you, I’d be too embarrassed to ever show my face again.”
Frustration was a terrible advisor, and Merlin wasn’t the wisest boy on Earth. He knew he should just let Arthur’s piques slide and go on with his day, but he was fed up with his constant provocations. So, instead of swallowing his pride and waiting for Arthur to get bored, Merlin kicked the taller boy in the shin and took advantage of his short moment of surprise to push him away.
“At least I’m not all muscles and no brains, Pendragon,” he shot back hotly.
He instantly regretted his impulsive reaction when Arthur’s acolytes grabbed him and prepared to shower him with punches and kicks that would leave him bruised for days. Merlin clenched his eyes shut and waited for the deluge of pain. Only it never came.
“Leave it,” Arthur told his friends dismissively. “He’s not worth getting detention hours over.”
Long after they were gone, Merlin remained rooted in place. The cold brick wall against his back was the only thing keeping him upright when his legs wobbled too much to carry him on their own. He was breathing so fast that black spots invaded his field of vision. His chest hurt. It felt too tight. Merlin struggled to keep a sob trapped behind his gritted teeth.
Nobody asked him if he was alright when he stepped into the gym hall a few minutes later. Mr. Pellinor only barked at him that he was late and made the whole class wait. A few muffled chuckles accompanied Merlin to his seat on the bench. But mostly, it was the deafening, indifferent silence that cut into him. Just as every week, Merlin wondered what he’d done for the universe to despise him so much. His life would have been so much easier if he’d been placed in his friends’ class. Instead, he was the only one separated from the rest of his friend group. It felt like a cruel joke.
Sport was probably the class Merlin hated the most. It was worse than doing geometry for a whole year. At least, during math class, he was left to wallow in his ineptness on his own. As always, when Mr. Pellinor told them to form two teams, Merlin was the last student to be picked. As always, his teammates groaned and complained about it. Merlin pretended not to hear them.
They were playing basketball this week, because apparently, Merlin couldn’t catch a break. He ran along with everyone else. Pretended to be involved in the game. Pretended not to steal glances at Arthur, running and jumping and shouting orders until his skin was glistening with sweat and his shirt stuck to his chest. When the ball landed in his hands, Merlin quickly scanned the basketball court. There was no way he was trying to run with the ball. The last time he attempted that, he accidentally kicked the ball, hurt his foot and got screamed at by his teammates. He threw the ball at Cedric, somehow managing to aim rather correctly. There. It wasn’t his problem anymore, now.
The game seemed to go on for ever. It actually lasted only 25 minutes. Already too long for Merlin’s taste. He wished it had lasted longer when Mr. Pellinor announced that after a short break to drink water and catch their breath, he’d have each student run and throw the ball at the basket to evaluate them on their technique individually. Merlin seriously considered pretending he had a stomach ache or something just to escape this torture.
After the humiliation of showing everyone that he couldn’t run three steps while dribbling a ball, jump and aim accurately, Merlin was ready for the morning to finally end. The worst humiliation was perhaps having a stupid, tiny crush on his bully. It made the mockery sting ten times more. Gwaine was just as handsome, Merlin thought to himself. And much, much kinder as well.
Back in the locker room to change back into his regular clothes, Merlin did his best to ignore the ruckus his classmates made. He quickly checked his phone to see if any of his friends had texted him, disappointed when that wasn’t the case. However, after quickly changing out of his sweaty sports clothes and shoving them into his bag, Merlin went to fetch his phone from the front pocket of his backpack, where he always kept it, only to find it empty. No phone.
Merlin frantically started patting his pockets. He rifled through the main pocket of his back, thinking he might have accidentally slipped his phone there. Nothing. It was there just a few minutes earlier, how could he have possibly lost it. He had no memory of where he’d put his phone after locking it. When he tried to remember, his mind came out blank. There was nothing in his sports bag either. His search was interrupted when he realised he still had to put his towel in there too. It still lay bunched on the bench. He lifted it carelessly, ready to roll it into a messy ball of damp fabric that would take too much space in his small sports bag.
A clatter made him jump and drop the towel. His phone lay on the ground beside him, face down. How it had ended up lost within the folds of his discarded towel, Merlin had no idea. At least, the screen wasn’t broken. Merlin sighed. This time, he consciously placed his phone in its dedicated pocket and made sure to zip it close. He only noticed that he’d forgotten to tie his shoelaces when he stepped on them and stumbled, only managing not to faceplant on the wet floor by crashing into the wall.
It seemed like nothing. The kind of little inconvenience that everyone experienced. But to Merlin, it happened so frequently that it became frustrating. He wasted so much time looking for misplaced items. He climbed so many stairs after realising he forgot half his stuff at home before heading to school. He misjudged the time it took to do stuff so often that he always ended up running late. And on top of that, he was useless with his hands to the point that it became ridiculous. He couldn’t count the number of times he dropped things every day, as if his hands just forgot they were holding something. Or the number of times he tripped over his own feet or misjudged the height of a step or ran into walls. He had bruises on his hips because he kept walking into the corner of tables on his way to his seat at the back of the classroom.
Walking alone towards the main building of the school was the most peaceful moment of his day. And now that the lunchbreak had started, he’d get to see his friends. But the universe still hated Merlin and wasn’t done tormenting him.
As such, the small smile that had appeared on Merlin’s face as he thought of finally having something good to lift his mood the time of a meal was wiped off when someone grabbed his backpack and pulled him backwards.
“Did you think I’d let you off the hook so easily, Emrys?”
Merlin groaned internally and quickly turned around, although he wasn’t as steady on his feet as he’d have liked to be. He wavered, flailed and shuffled his feet until he could eventually get his balance. Arthur was eying him with mocking disdain, chin up and arms crossed over his broad chest.
“Why? What did I do?”
“What did you do?” Arthur asked, invading Merlin’s personal space menacingly. He shoved Merlin back with a hand to his chest, making Merlin trip once again. “We lost the game because of you. Are you really incapable of being at least a little bit useful?”
Merlin clenched his teeth. His cheeks flushed, from the sudden proximity of Arthur’s body, from the deep embarrassment he felt at having his clumsiness thrown at his face, and from the seething anger that had taken root since earlier that morning. Rage and shame mingled in his gut to produce an explosive mixture, ready to erupt at any moment. He balled his hands into tight fists, focusing on the sting of his nails biting into his palms.
“Why do you care so much about a stupid basketball game during gym class, Pendragon? It doesn’t matter,” he said, sounding a lot more confident than he felt.
At least, the two boys that were constantly acting as Arthur’s shadow were nowhere to be seen. He’d long since learned that they were far more vicious than their leader.
“I can’t stand that your clumsiness reflects poorly on me. I don’t like that my efforts to win were ruined by a mentally challenged klutz like you,” Arthur snarled, grabbing the front of Merlin’s t-shirt.
In all the years they’d known each other, Arthur had always stopped short of beating Merlin up. He’d bump into him, pushed him, threatened him, he’d thrown insults and degrading comments at Merlin; but he’d never crossed that line. In this exact moment, Merlin wasn’t sure he wouldn’t cross it now. If he were someone reasonable and prudent, Merlin would try to deescalate the situation. He’d give hollow apologies, grovel a bit maybe, and come out with his pride bruised and his body intact.
Merlin wasn’t a very reasonable person.
“What, scared of what Daddy will say if he learns you lost during gym class?” he taunted, throwing caution and common sense to the wind.
Both boys were so focused on their petty confrontation that neither of them noticed Leon approaching. Their classmate grasped Arthur’s shoulder firmly and lightly held him back.
“Arthur,” he said in a reproving tone that made him sound older than freshly eighteen.
The blond released Merlin, not without pushing him in the process. Surprisingly, he didn’t shake Leon’s hand away. The slightly older boy was perhaps the only person capable of keeping Arthur in check. He was also the only student in their class who, while not openly friendly, didn’t rejoice in Merlin’s every misfortune. He even offered him a subtle smile once in a while and let Merlin borrow a pen or paper when he inevitably forgot his stuff. Leon was also Arthur’s oldest friend, which was enough to make Merlin wary of him, nonetheless.
Arthur levelled Merlin with a withering glare that would have made most people shiver. Merlin had mostly grown immune to it over the years. But he still braced for whatever cruel comment Arthur would throw in his face.
“At least, my father wasn’t so ashamed of me that he left and never came back.”
Even for Arthur, that was a low blow. It also wasn’t even remotely close to what happened. Yet, it still hurt like a knife stabbed straight into Merlin’s heart. This time, no amount of pride or stubbornness could have kept Merlin’s ugly sob trapped behind his quivering lips.
“My father’s dead, arsehole!” Merlin shouted in a voice that was thick with tears and shaky with restrained sobs. “He didn’t even know I existed until last week, and now he’s dead!”
Merlin stormed off without waiting to hear Arthur’s reply. He purposefully avoided the cafeteria where his friends were certainly waiting for him and headed straight to the bathroom at the very end of the deserted corridor where no one ever went because the light only worked every other time and the neon flickered enough to give anyone a headache. He hid in the farthest stall and cried until he went numb. He had no idea how much time had passed. He didn’t hear the bell, so the lunchbreak shouldn’t be over yet.
The bathroom door creaked open and clicked shut. Hesitant footsteps approached his temporary shelter. Merlin didn’t lift his head from where it rested between his arms to see who had come in. The person didn’t enter any of the remaining stalls. Instead, they stilled, standing awkwardly in the middle of the bathroom. Merlin tensed. He didn’t want to be heard crying or sniffling. That would be too embarrassing.
“Merlin?”
It had been years since Arthur last called Merlin by his first name. And hearing him speak in such a tentative, unsure voice tugged at Merlin’s heart. He curled into a tighter ball of limbs and sadness.
“What are you doing here?” Merlin called back, clenching his eyes shut when he heard the shakiness of his voice. Pathetic.
“I… I’m sorry.”
What? Merlin blinked. That must have been the first time he heard Arthur utter an apology. To anyone. And he sounded sincere, too. Stiff and stilted like Merlin would expect from the emotionally constipated dollophead Arthur was.
That didn’t mean he had to accept Arthur’s apology, though.
“Whatever. Just leave me alone.”
Arthur shuffled for a bit. Indecisiveness wasn’t something usually associated with Arthur Pendragon. It made him uneasy. Like a tilt in their habitual hostile relationship. Instead of exiting the bathroom, Arthur went further in, until he was in front of the stall Merlin was hidden in. He slowly sat down with his back against the door.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur repeated. “I went too far.” There was a bit of tense silence broken only by the muffled sounds of students passing by outside. “I didn’t know about your father.”
Merlin huffed. He viciously wiped off the tears that started leaking from his eyes. He was certain that he had exhausted his reserve of tears for the day. Apparently not. “Well, now you know.”
“I still have that little charm you gifted me when you learned that my mother was dead, you know. On my keychain.”
That admission made Merlin’s breath hitch. He’d completely forgotten about that episode. It felt like a lifetime ago, when it still seemed like he and Arthur could maybe become friends. He never would have thought that Arthur kept the little shooting star charm through all these years. Especially given the sour turn their relationship took.
“Why are you telling me this?”
Arthur cleared his throat awkwardly. Merlin could almost picture his pinched face as he tried to find the right words to express his feelings. He smiled despite himself.
“Because you were right. About everything.”
Merlin made a questioning sound. He wasn’t sure he understood where Arthur was going with this. And people said his trains of thoughts were uncomprehensible.
“I am afraid of disappointing my father. I was always jealous of you, because your mother just loves you, without conditions. I envy you. My father doesn’t love me; he loves how my success reflects upon him. And also, I’m an idiot. You were right about that, too.”
Despite his effort to hold it in, a giggle leaked out of Merlin’s mouth. Arthur was indeed an idiot. A real turniphead.
“Yeah, glad you realised that,” Merlin said without any venom in his voice. It felt like the banter and teasing jabs they used to throw at each other before Arthur befriended Kay and Owen and became mean.
A companionable silence fell on the empty bathroom. Merlin’s legs were getting cramped from sitting still on the cold hard floor for so long. He pressed a hand into his stomach to keep it from growling when he suddenly started feeling hungry.
Out of the blue, Arthur asked, “Wanna work with me and Leon on that group project in biology?”
“Sure you wanna work with a mentally challenged klutz like me?” Merlin asked, using the same words Arthur had thrown at him earlier. He was too taken aback by the proposition to feel hurt by the insult.
Arthur groaned. His head hit the thin door of the stall with a dull thud. “I’m sorry I said that. I know you’re actually smart. Even if you get distracted or side-tracked worryingly often. And you’re terribly clumsy.”
“It’s not my fault that my brain doesn’t want to cooperate,” Merlin replied quietly.
“I know.”
“Just us three? Without Kay and Owen?”
“Just us three,” Arthur confirmed. Then, “I don’t like the person I’ve become since I became friends with them. I think Leon is getting fed up with me too.”
“You’ve been a particularly unpleasant cabbagehead recently,” Merlin said, doing his best to keep reproach out of his voice.
The bathroom door opened once again, breaking the slightly awkward conversation.
“Hey, everything alright in there? Didn’t expect you to stay so long,” Gwaine’s voice said from the entrance.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Merlin replied. He unfolded his legs with a groan. They were sore from being kept bent tightly for so long. He wavered, unsteady on his prickling feet. “Gonna open the door,” he warned Arthur.
When he came out, the blonde stood awkwardly next to the sink, as if he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. It was a sight Merlin never thought he’d get to witness. Arthur always projected an image of bold self-confidence that often bordered on arrogance. Merlin liked what lay beneath the mask much better. He cast the blonde a shy smile. Arthur smiled back, just as shyly.
“Since lunchbreak is almost over, I suggest we skip classes this afternoon. The others are all in favour,” Gwaine said with that impish grin that always made Merlin’s heart skip a beat.
That was a very tempting proposition. But Merlin had physics after lunchbreak. He was already struggling in that class; he couldn’t afford to skip if he wanted to have the slimmest chance of graduating.
He was about to refuse when Arthur jumped in. “Go with your friends. I can give you my notes tomorrow. And Leon is top of our class; he can help you with anything you don’t understand.”
“Really?” Merlin grinned brightly. If someone told him this morning that his day would take this unexpected turn, he’d have laughed in their face and called them a delusional fool.
“Yeah. And I’ll tell Mrs. Mora that you felt unwell and went home early,” Arthur added. “Have fun.”
“Now you have no excuses to refuse, Merls,” Gwaine smirked, dragging Merlin out of the bathroom. “You spend too much time with your nose buried in books anyway.”
Their friends were waiting right outside of the main building of the school. They all cheered when they saw Merlin being towed by a beaming Gwaine. Before Merlin even had the chance to greet them, they enfolded him in a suffocating group hug that had Merlin laughing breathlessly.
While Tuesday was still the worst day of Merlin’s week, maybe his Tuesdays would be tolerable from now on.