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Seonghwa hasn't talked to him in years.
Okay, so it had only been five days since Seonghwa spoke more than a single word to him but it felt like it had been an eternity and a half to Hongjoong.
Seonghwa looked anywhere and everywhere else. Never at Hongjoong. The most Hongjoong had heard from Seonghwa was a mumbled yes three days ago when Hongjoong asked if he was ready for his turn in the recording booth.
Even earlier today, when all eight members woke up early to film a special video for Atiny, Seonghwa barely acknowledged him. He had glanced at Hongjoong at appropriate times during the conversation, but it felt entirely scripted. Like Seonghwa knew that was what should happen during the video, not because he wanted to look at Hongjoong.
Hongjoong even did his usual stunt. He acted like a complete fool and suggested ridiculous things just to try to get a smile out Seonghwa.
Nothing.
The worst part of this was Hongjoong didn't even know why.
By the second night of the near silent treatment from Seonghwa, Hongjoong stayed up half the night looking for a reason why. He had ran the last few days through his head hundreds of times by now, looking for whatever minuscule detail he missed.
He never found it.
He was confused. The third night he spent trying to fall asleep, but ultimately tossing and turning in bed until the sun rose. All he could think was 'what was it? What did he do?'
By the fourth day, yesterday, Hongjoong was just.. hurt.
Seonghwa was his best friend. Seonghwa was his shoulder to both lean and cry on, no matter how rare the latter was for Hongjoong.
But last night, when Hongjoong was alone with cold droplets trailing down his face with only three hours of sleep behind him, Seonghwa didn't offer his shoulder to cry on.
Hongjoong knew better than to look for him.
Except Seonghwa wasn't just Hongjoong's best friend.
Seonghwa occupied every free thought and every free moment Hongjoong had.
Seonghwa was often running through Hongjoong's head. Had he ate today? Did he build a new Lego set? Why was he whispering to San earlier? Did anyone tell him how beautiful he looked for his magazine photo shoot?
When Hongjoong closed his eyes at night he saw Seonghwa. Seonghwa, with his short black hair messy from a shower after dance practice. Seonghwa, with his lopsided smile. Seonghwa, with his rounded boba eyes looking at Honjoong as he waited for the next set of instructions from his leader.
When Hongjoong opened his eyes in the morning, he never saw Seonghwa.
And just like every morning before, for years, Hongjoong's heart ached for just a moment.
Because what Hongjoong wouldn't do to wake up and get to see Park Seonghwa sleeping against him. Tan skin against a soft blanket. Long, dark eyelashes kissing Seonghwa's cheeks. Hongjoong wanted to feel Seonghwa's warmth in the morning and Seonghwa's arms around his waist throughout the night.
Hongjoong wanted Seonghwa here and not just in his head.
So when Hongjoong watched Seonghwa laugh at everyone else's jokes during the filming, it hurt.
God, did it hurt him.
It was day five of Seonghwa not talking to Hongjoong.
Not that Hongjoong was counting.
The batch of solo sessions for the photo shoot were nearly over.
Wooyoung and Hongjoong stood behind the photographer as they watched Seonghwa finish his session. The rest of the members had already filtered off to the changing rooms, preparing for the group photos next.
Hongjoong had been done long ago, but decided to watch the others today to keep morale up. Even if Hongjoong could sleep at night, these last few days had been absolutely packed from sunrise to sunset with different schedules.
Exhausted wasn't a strong enough word for how he felt.
He sipped on his third coffee of the day, barely holding on as Seonghwa shifted poses.
Wooyoung blabbered on to whoever was listening at a loud volume near him. Wooyoung just finished his solo shoot, leaving Seonghwa the last to go.
Hongjoong tried not to stare at Seonghwa so obviously.
He wasn't successful.
Photo shoots were the one time Hongjoong could admire Seonghwa without someone nagging him about how long or how hard he was staring.
Hongjoong was just simply watching Seonghwa work.
He could pretend that was the case.
Seonghwa moved again.
Seonghwa stood tall in black, just barely heeled boots. His legs long in the slender black slacks that sat almost too perfectly on his waist. A crisp white shirt laid over his skin loosely. The buttons undone to the middle of his chest.
Seonghwa pretended to cuff the already rolled sleeves, the muscles in his forearms flexed as he did so.
Seonghwa's smooth hair was slicked back, a favorite hair style of Hongjoong's. On top of his head sat a pair of large black sunglasses.
It was a basic outfit compared to what they usually wore on stage and one similar to what Hongjoong saw Seonghwa in so many times before.
And yet, Hongjoong's heart still raced in his chest.
Hongjoong swallowed, holding the empty cup of coffee in one hand.
Park Seonghwa was beautiful.
Hongjoong meant it, when he fumbled the line about the moon to Seonghwa.
Looking at Park Seonghwa was like looking at the moon. Looking at the moon was done in awe, in wonder. Hongjoong felt no different when looking at Seonghwa.
No.
Hongjoong could look at the moon and have answers.
Hongjoong couldn't look at Seonghwa and explain his existence.
Park Seonghwa was closer to a shooting star to Hongjoong. Something breathtaking, rare, and so special.
Seonghwa was the light to Hongjoong's darkness.
Hongjoong blinked back tears. He was absolutely not going to cry here.
When Hongjoong looked around the room to reset, his eyes fell on Wooyoung.
Wooyoung was already watching Hongjoong.
The rambling had stopped and Wooyoung had since eyed Hongjoong from the sidelines.
Hongjoong could tell by Wooyoung's face he had something to say, but he wasn't going to be the one who moved.
Desperation overshadowed any embarrassment as Hongjoong walked over to Wooyoung.
In true black cat fashion, as soon as Hongjoong was close enough, Wooyoung put his chin up in the air and turned away from him.
"Wooyoung," Hongjoong said in greeting.
Hongjoong wasn't sure what exactly Wooyoung knew. Could he tell how badly Hongjoong was hurting? Has Seonghwa said anything to Wooyoung?
Wooyoung slowly turned his head back to Hongjoong, his chin lowered. Wooyoung watched Hongjoong openly, a tense stare that could have been capable of reading all the pain inside his captain like an open book.
For a moment, Hongjoong worried Wooyoung wouldn't actually say anything.
The clicking of the camera continued behind them.
"For someone with an IQ of 141, you're really fucking stupid, Kim Hongjoong," Wooyoung said.
"Oh," slipped out of Hongjoong's mouth. That was... not the response he had expected.
Wooyoung sighed as he turned to face Hongjoong completely. "I can't help you with this one."
"I don't know what I did wrong. How can I fix the problem if I don't know what the problem is?" Hongjoong whispered, his hands moved frantically in front of him.
Wooyoung tilted his head, observing Hongjoong in his mild state of panic.
Wooyoung's mouth opened, to say what Hongjoong didn't know, because he cut in with a, "please, Woo."
Hongjoong's voice cracked.
He was so, so tired. Physically. Mentally. His heart was near broken.
Hongjoong couldn't keep doing this.
Hongjoong snapped out of it when Wooyoung's hands wrapped around his own.
Wooyoung's eyes softened. A small, tender smile. "Just try to talk to Seonghwa."
Hongjoong was going to open his mouth in protest. Seonghwa wouldn't give him the chance. He barely gave Hongjoong any time anymore.
Wooyoung shook his head and squeezed his hands. "Talk to him, Hongjoong."
There was a faint voice in the distance that called for Wooyoung to get styled for the group photo shoot.
Hongjoong did not want Wooyoung to go. He couldn't stand being alone anymore.
"Okay. I'll try. Go change," Hongjoong said instead.
Wooyoung planted a kiss on his hands before leaving.
Hongjoong was too exhausted to care. He didn't even wipe the kiss off on his pants.
Hongjoong turned back to the final photos being taken of Seonghwa. It was just the few photographers, Seonghwa, and Hongjoong left in the room. The rest of the members officially gone to get restyled.
Seonghwa's eyes met Hongjoong's for the first time that day. It wasn't a short and calculated glance like the few Hongjoong got earlier during filming.
Seonghwa sought him out. His eyes locked on Hongjoong.
Hongjoong wanted to shove the photographer to the ground and scream at Seonghwa for ignoring him.
Hongjoong wanted to shove the photographer to the ground so he could fall to his knees before Seonghwa and beg for forgiveness, that he will get it right this time.
Even if Hongjoong didn't know what "it" is.
Seonghwa looked away first.
Seonghwa's hand curled into a fist at his side, his jaw tensed as he looked at the floor. Hongjoong even noticed the faster rise and fall of Seonghwa's chest as his breathing changed.
The empty coffee cup in Hongjoong's hand crumbled with an unconscious squeeze of his fingers.
Hongjoong was mad.
He was mad Seonghwa would react such a way toward him.
The feeling of anger quickly passed, leaving Hongjoong in a dark pit of sadness. Hongjoong was upset with himself for not knowing the why. Why Seonghwa so upset with him that he was acting like this?
Even worse than that, Hongjoong was never supposed to be someone who made Seonghwa uncomfortable. He was supposed to be a safe space, the way Seonghwa was his.
For the first time since he met Park Seonghwa, Hongjoong left the room thinking Seonghwa would be happier without him around.
This time Hongjoong couldn't stop the tears that threatened to be spilled. He skipped his dressing room where some of the members were probably waiting and headed straight for the closest bathroom instead.
He needed to get himself together.
For now.
Hongjoong was able to keep himself together through the next hour of group photos.
He didn't dare look at Seonghwa.
If Seonghwa looked away again, Hongjoong didn't know how he'd react.
Screaming, maybe.
Tears, definitely.
He did not want to have that reaction in front of the other members.
All eight members were walking towards the two cars that sat parked on the side of the street that waited to deliver them to their dorms.
Hongjoong, so exhausted that coffee wasn't saving him anymore, waddled to the first car he saw.
He hoped he would go home and actually sleep, but he knew what was waiting for him.
Instead, Hongjoong crawled into the back of the van since he was the first one in and definitely not because he was short, and plopped his body down in the seat in defeat.
The two seats next to him were open. The second row of seating in front of him had one seat at each door, the middle open for access to the third row where he sat.
Hongjoong could feel it. Seonghwa's gaze on him.
By the time he looked up, Seonghwa stood outside the car but he turned around to whoever was behind him.
Black hair blew in the wind. Wide eyes looked at the other person. A bottom lip bit in worry.
Hongjoong looked away.
He can't do this anymore.
The car rocked as a body climbed in.
Mingi was crouched over, long legs trying to maneuver through the van successfully. His large frame bounced between the two seats almost like a ping pong ball.
If Hongjoong wasn't completely deflated, he would have laughed at Mingi.
Mingi basically fell into the seat. His back hit the rest and his arm brushed against Hongjoong.
Mingi stretched his legs between the two seats comfortably before he turned to Hongjoong.
"Hi," he said softly.
"Hi," Hongjoong replied, as he watched from the corner of his eye the way Seonghwa entered the vehicle.
Seonghwa moved past the seat in front of Hongjoong. He stepped over Mingi's legs before sitting gracefully in the seat.
As Seonghwa reached for the buckle, Yunho sat in the seat in front of Hongjoong.
The car door was slid shut and the driver began the journey back to the dorm.
For a moment, the car was silent as buildings and strangers passed by in a blur.
"I am so ready for our day off. One more day of schedules like these last few days and I don't think I'd be able to move," Yunho started from his seat. "I hope I sleep in."
Mingi mumbled something in response but Hongjoong didn't quite catch it as his head started to feel heavy. Hongjoong's head fell onto Mingi's shoulder. Mingi patted Hongjoong's head twice and that was all.
In that moment, Hongjoong felt like a little baby. The subtle rock of the car with every stop at the lights, the gentle hum of engine itself. It nearly put him to sleep.
His head rested deeper into Mingi's shoulder, which wasn't comfortable in the slightest.
Mingi's familiar cologne surrounded Hongjoong, comforting him in sea salt and sage. Between that and the way Mingi shifted just a little to try and make his shoulder more comfortable for Hongjoong, it pushed Hongjoong into a deeper sense of calm. A different type of safe.
Hongjoong felt himself falling further into the darkness.
His body was heavy, unable to be moved. His lips parted slightly to let in and out every breath.
Hongjoong was nearly there.
Finally after three nights of horrid sleep if he got any, he was going to drift off.
For a moment, it felt like he did.
"You have to tell me what's wrong so I can help you." Yunho's voice.
It slipped into the cracks of Hongjoong's consciousness.
Hongjoong didn't move. He couldn't if he tried. His brain was stuck in the floaty space between being fully awake or a light sleep.
The car was silent for a moment.
A long one.
"Do you know what it is like to be in love with your best friend for years and not have those feelings reciprocated?" Seonghwa's voice.
It cracked.
Hongjoong tried to move, to reach for Seonghwa.
His body felt like a block of cement.
"Have you talked to him?" Mingi's voice was soft.
A hand ran through Hongjoong's hair, nails scratched gently against his head.
"I-"
Hongjoong didn't get to hear what Seonghwa said before he fell back into a deep sleep.
It was barely two hours later when Hongjoong was stumbling down the hallway. It was only six in the evening but his body was so beyond exhausted the thought of being anywhere besides his bed was wrong.
Even if the sleep never came.
He just wanted the warmth of his blankets, the comfort it brought.
Hongjoong had grabbed his favorite plaid pajama pants, the softest t-shirt he owned in any extra attempt to make the sleep come tonight.
The thought of brushing his hair seemed like too much energy. More than he had.
He left his black hair in the mess it was after drying it with a towel as best he could.
He saw it sticking in just about every direction possible as he passed the mirror in the bathroom, but he just didn't care.
Hongjoong's bare feet tapped against the carpet in the hallway lightly with each step. On the way through the living room to his bedroom, he saw someone.
He sat on the couch, in the same outfit as earlier. The black pants that made his legs look even slimmer, the half undone white shirt. His hair sat slicked back still.
Hongjoong blinked twice, wondering if had reached the level of sleep deprivation that brought hallucinations.
Why was Park Seonghwa here?
Seonghwa looked up from his phone.
At that moment, Hongjoong realized he stopped walking.
Under Seonghwa's soft gaze and sweet eyes that took in the state of Hongjoong, he didn't want to keep walking.
Seonghwa's gaze wondered from the pajama pants to the wild hair on top Hongjoong's head.
Hongjoong resisted the urge to try to flatten his hair.
If Hongjoong watched closely, he would see the quiver of Seonghwa's lip as he kept a smile at bay.
Hongjoong noticed.
Of course Hongjoong noticed.
And when he realized Seonghwa wasn't going to allow himself that smile, the weight of it all came crashing down on him.
When Seonghwa met his eyes, his expression had changed. The boba eyes filled with awe and wonder gone, slimmer eyes with a lack of interest in their place.
"Where are you going?" Hongjoong asked.
He didn't know why he did.
Seonghwa very clearly did not want him around right now.
Or at all anymore.
It was the first time in five days they had been alone and Hongjoong didn't want to miss it.
Even if keeping his eyes open right now was an impossible task. He blinked slowly, urging his stupid eyes back open.
"I'm going to have dinner with a friend," Seonghwa answered, as he turned to look back at his phone.
Hongjoong saw from where he stood the black screen of the phone.
"Is this friend the best friend you're in love with?" Hongjoong blurted out.
Seonghwa's eyebrows lifted, his mouth plopped open in surprise. A red tint covered the tips of his ears.
"You heard that?" Seonghwa asked quietly.
"Yes," Hongjoong answered.
Seonghwa's expression shifted into one that almost looked like he was in pain. His eyebrows pulled together, his lips formed a thin line.
"How much of it?" Seonghwa asked, his fingers tightened around his phone.
"I heard that you're in love with your best friend and he doesn't love you back," Hongjoong said, his arms dangled uselessly by his sides.
Seonghwa's eyebrows relaxed, his lips parted slightly as he takes in a soothing breath. The phone fell back into his lap.
Seonghwa didn't say anything, but he hadn't turned away from Hongjoong either.
"Uhm.. have fun I guess," were the only words Hongjoong could think of in that moment.
So, Hongjoong started walking.
He had a bed he wasn't going to sleep in, after all.
It was only a few steps until Hongjoong's body betrayed him. There were no conscious decisions to turn around, but he did. He turned around and his legs carried him back to Seonghwa.
He stopped at the coffee table, where Seonghwa sat on the couch on the other side.
Kim Hongjoong was on a new level of sleep deprivation that took away his filter. It took away the key that kept his mouth locked.
Maybe a small part of it was that after nearly a week of being avoided, having his heart ripped into smaller pieces each day, he just didn't care anymore about what came out of his mouth.
Hongjoong, with his hands at his sides in determined fists, looked down at Seonghwa who was watching him curiously, his head slightly tilted.
Hongjoong gaze shifted to the floor.
"For what it's worth, your friend is an idiot. Stupid. Like really stupid. Because how can you not only be so lucky to have the Park Seonghwa in your life, but then have him love you? Be in love with you and not love him back? To get to always look into a pair of innocent eyes filled with constellations and a smile that eases all your worries and a laugh that makes you stop for a moment and forget everything else and just feel it."
Hongjoong's brain told him to stop but his mouth kept moving.
"He could and should kiss your lips every chance he gets. Every morning and night and every time in between. He should take every hug you give. Each hug that slows the world down and reminds you how to breathe." Finally, Hongjoong stopped.
He looked up from the floor to find Seonghwa sat completely frozen, mouth agape.
Hongjoong turned to leave once more.
"Hongjoong," he heard softly behind him.
That time Hongjoong didn't stop. He made it to his bedroom where he fell into bed. He threw the blankets well over his head.
Hongjoong decided he could just live here now and never leave the room again.
There was a gentle knock against his door.
Hongjoong knew it was Seonghwa. Wooyoung would have just burst into his room and Jongho's knocks are heavier.
Hongjoong ignored it.
"Hongjoong?" Seonghwa called out.
There was a weird lump in Hongjoong's throat he couldn't quite swallow as he ignored Seonghwa again.
Hongjoong heard the familiar creek of his door as it opened.
The room was silent.
Hongjoong felt the bed dip slightly as Seonghwa sat near his hip.
"Hongjoong?" It was so soft, so gentle.
What made the pain in Hongjoong's chest ache was the tremble in it.
Hongjoong slowly lowered the blanket.
A barely lit room, but Hongjoong saw him.
His star.
Hongjoong sat up at the waist, arms planted behind him to lean on with his feet still straight ahead in the bed.
Seonghwa sat near Hongjoong's hip, his feet on the floor. Seonghwa's torso twisted, so he could look directly at Hongjoong.
"Did you mean everything you said?" Seonghwa whispered.
Hongjoong could blame it on the schedule, being overworked, and maybe being a little delusional.
But, that would mean returning to his daily routine of wishing for so many things with Seonghwa that were just out of reach. It would mean going to bed alone each night. It would mean waking up cold each morning. It would mean, apparently, hearing about a best friend that Seonghwa was in love with.
Hongjoong was tired of hurting.
"Yeah," Hongjoong whispered.
His gaze shifted to his lap, unsure if he wanted to see Seonghwa's response. Seonghwa didn't say a word. After a moment passed, Hongjoong looked back up to see why.
Seonghwa was already watching him. Once he was sure Hongjoong was looking at him again, he spoke. "These last few days... I just couldn't do it anymore. It was too hard to pretend like I didn't love you. I couldn't just be a friend. Not with you. I thought giving up and distancing myself was the answer but it wasn't."
Hongjoong doesn't move. His brain took a moment to process what Seonghwa just said. When it clicked, his eyes widen.
"Seonghwa-" Hongjoong started as a warning, that he couldn't play games like this.
Seonghwa's gaze was unwavering as he watched Hongjoong. "Years, Hongjoong. I've been in love with you for years."
Hongjoong lunged forward, knocking Seonghwa onto his back. Seonghwa's feet went flying in the air. Seonghwa laughed.
That squeaky laugh that Hongjoong would risk it all for.
They tumbled to the end of Hongjoong's bed. Seonghwa laid on his back below Hongjoong as Hongjoong hovered over him. Hongjoong's knees were planted on each side of Seonghwa's hips. His hands pushed into the bed on both sides of Seonghwa's head to hold him up.
Seonghwa's hands came up to rest on Hongjoong's cheeks. His fingers trembled lightly, uncertainty in his movements.
"Say it," Hongjoong whispered.
"I love you." Seonghwa said.
Hongjoong kissed him.
It was a simple kiss against Seonghwa's soft lips.
Hongjoong completely melted.
Hongjoong kissed Seonghwa in a way that he hoped would convey everything he had been feeling for so many years.
He pulled away just enough to be able to speak.
Hongjoong didn't open his eyes.
He wanted to experience Park Seonghwa in every sense he could.
"Say it again," Hongjoong breathed, his lips brushing against Seonghwa's ever so lightly as he did.
Hongjoong felt Seonghwa's hands leave his cheeks before he felt fingers at the base of his neck. The fingers inched upward into his hair, pulling Hongjoong even closer.
Hongjoong could still smell Seonghwa's cologne on his neck, engulfing him in the scent of rich coffee and sweet vanilla.
Seonghwa's lips were barely parted. Every small breath that escaped, Hongjoong felt against his own.
"I love you, Joongie," Seonghwa said.
Hongjoong slowly opened his eyes.
As always, Park Seonghwa was exquisite. Not enough words existed in the dictionary to describe the beauty that he held.
Seonghwa's pretty boba eyes locked on Hongjoong completely.
"I love you, Park Seonghwa," Hongjoong said.
He felt the sting of tears in his eyes.
He tried to blink them away.
"These last few days have been so lonely. I've been so lonely." Hongjoong's voice broke.
He leaned back just enough to see all of Seonghwa's face.
"I didn't know what I did. I thought I messed up so bad that you were never going to talk to me again. Seonghwa, I thought you hated me." Every word was spoke in a shaky voice.
Hongjoong closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt it then, the tear that escaped and began the track down his cheek.
A hand landed on his cheek. He felt the smooth movement of a thumb as it wiped away the tear.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Joongie. I'm so sorry. I-" Seonghwa stopped when Hongjoong shook his head.
"Don't apologize," Hongjoong said gently.
Seonghwa looked up at Hongjoong, his eyes moving as he took in all the features of Hongjoong face.
Hongjoong watched as his favorite pair of brown eyes began to well with tears.
"I don't even know when I fell for you, Hongjoong. Right after debut?" Seonghwa said. His words were quiet, almost shy.
Hongjoong felt every broken piece of his heart reforming. He felt every weight he had been carrying on his shoulders for days, lift. He felt like he could go another three days without sleep just from Seonghwa's confession alone.
Hongjoong chuckled. It cracked with emotion.
Seonghwa smiled beneath him.
"I was royally fucked the first day you walked through the doors at the training center. You were perfect even then. Perfect to me. Perfect for me."
Seonghwa's smile was so radiant that Hongjoong couldn't keep the smile from his own face.
Both of Seonghwa's hands cupped Hongjoong's cheeks before he pulled Hongjoong to him once more to kiss him.
It sent Hongjoong's heart racing. A feeling he thought he would experience with every kiss from Park Seonghwa.
Hongjoong jerked back, a sudden thought coming to mind. "Oh shit. Your dinner!"
Seonghwa beamed. "It's okay my friend will forgive me."
"Yes he will because he's the best best friend!" Wooyoung shouted, loudly, from the hallway.
Hongjoong paused, processing the voice he just heard. He cocked an eyebrow at Seonghwa.
Seonghwa giggled.
Hongjoong's heart skipped a beat.
"Was this a setup?" Hongjoong questioned.
The disembodied voice answered, "Yes it was and I'm telling everyone at the wedding it was because of me!"
That made an adorable pink flush rise on Seonghwa's cheeks.
Hongjoong admired him. If he would be so lucky, there would absolutely be a wedding one day. Seonghwa could have it any way he wanted.
Whatever Park Seonghwa wanted, Kim Hongjoong was going to make it fucking happen.
"Stay with me tonight," Hongjoong asked, bumping his nose against Seonghwa's.
"Okay," Seonghwa whispered.
Hongjoong slept through the night.
Hongjoong's arms wrapped around him completely, bringing Seonghwa's body against his. Hongjoong slept with his face buried deep into the crook of Seonghwa's neck. Their legs entangled. Seonghwa's hand rested against Hongjoong's chest, right above his heart.
Hongjoong didn't stir once.